Fools In Love
by oucellogal
Summary: Lilly and Scotty are together and happy, but “happily ever after” doesn’t come automatically. Will their love withstand the obstacles life throws at them? And…what the heck is going on with Kat and Vera, anyway? ***Now complete!***
1. Moonlight Serenade

**Fools In Love**

**A/N:** Well, here it is: the promised sequel to "Every Time Two Fools Collide!" More fluff, more angst, more humor, and more donut wars, hence the "general" category! This story is shaping up to be a wee bit angstier than the last one, but perhaps not in the way you might think.

**Rating:** T for now; we'll see if I have to bump it up later.

**Spoilers:** As far as the show goes, this is canon through the beginning of 4x11, "The Red And The Blue." Charlene, bless her heart, still does not exist. Snippets of later episodes will appear in this story, some in the same context as the show, some not.

* * *

**Disclaimer: Despite concerted efforts to obtain them, I still don't own these characters.**

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Collider: author, beta-reader, and idea-bouncer extraordinaire!**

* * *

**Chapter One: Moonlight Serenade**

The sounds of drunken office workers serenading their fellow bar patrons with slurred, off-key renditions of 80s music had finally ground to a halt, and Detective Lilly Rush sighed with relief as she took another sip of her amaretto sour. _Thank God_, she thought. Lilly wasn't usually much for listening to other people sing, even people who were good at it, and the parade of tipsy bar patrons somehow convinced that warbling their way through Pat Benatar songs would give their otherwise dull lives meaning and significance had dragged on far too long for her liking.

But on this unseasonably warm autumn night, Lilly wasn't about to let some karaoke caterwauling ruin what had otherwise been a nearly perfect day. She and her colleagues had closed a case that afternoon, ironically, the 2005 murder of a tone-deaf singer with delusions of grandeur, and had elected to celebrate the end of the case by grabbing a few drinks at Jones' Tavern. The fact that it was karaoke night was a surprise, at least, it was to Lilly, though she suspected that certain others of her colleagues had known about it all along.

In an unspoken decision, the detectives had begun going to Jones' together as a group to celebrate the end of cases. Lilly couldn't remember when it had started, or who had first suggested it, but, now that it had become a tradition, she couldn't imagine closing a case any other way. Although she knew Scotty Valens…quite well…outside of work, she hadn't seen much of her other colleagues in a social setting. Never much for mixing business and pleasure…well, not until Nashville, she corrected with a rueful smile, Lilly had been pleasantly surprised by the new friendships and camaraderie that had developed among the squad. Although they were still reluctant to spill their guts to one another, still keeping up carefully constructed walls around their personal lives, they had become even more close-knit than before: looking out for each other, holding each other up when the more horrifying aspects of their job became too much for one person to bear, and laughing with one another at the end of the day. Only Homicide detectives knew what it was really like in their line of work, Lilly reasoned, and the fact that they worked the cold jobs had made them difficult for even the regular Homicide detectives to understand. But, they had each other, and as Lilly looked around at her friends and colleagues, she realized that that was enough. They were a family now, this squad, in every sense of the word. And, Lilly realized, those carefully constructed walls…well, they were beginning to crack and crumble just the slightest little bit as the squad began to trust each other more. Lilly would never have admitted it before, but…she was glad to see that happening. Even within herself.

Across the room, Lilly spied Scotty, where he and Vera were playing darts with Stillman and Jeffries, and tossed him a flirtatious smile, which he immediately returned. Feeling mischievous, Lilly plucked the cherry from her drink and sucked the clinging droplets of alcohol from the plump fruit, which she then popped into her mouth. As Scotty watched her intently, his eyes smoldering and a grin playing at the corners of his lips, she slipped the cherry stem into her mouth, tied it in a knot with record speed, and deftly removed it, her eyes never leaving his. Lilly could feel the heat from his gaze even from all the way across the room…good God, the way he was looking at her, he might as well just…

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," an exasperated voice said next to her, interrupting her lusty reverie. "You two startin' this already?"

Her bubble effectively shattered, Lilly chuckled slightly and murmured an insincere apology to Kat Miller, who sat on the barstool to her right.

Kat sighed in mock disgust and shot Lilly a withering look, but she couldn't suppress her smile. Try as she might to hide it, she was pretty damn happy for her lovestruck colleagues, even though it had meant some shuffling within the squad that resulted in her being assigned Valens for a partner. At first, Kat wasn't at all sure what being Scotty's partner would be like, but she'd been pleasantly surprised at the snarky, yet sincere friendship that had developed between them. And, though Kat would never admit it to anyone, she found that she actually liked having a partner. It made her feel like she truly belonged in this squad, after a year of feeling like the new girl on the block. Her place was now secure, and she knew she was just as crucial to this team as any of the others. Of course, working with Valens did have its drawbacks, namely, his occasional tendency to provide way too much information about his extracurricular activities with Rush, but, Kat reasoned, that was a small price to pay for the knowledge that a pretty damn good fellow cop had her back.

"Guess it ain't so bad," Kat admitted with a slight shrug. "I hate to admit it, but I got a vested interest in you all keepin' this…_thing_ of yours goin'." She rolled her eyes slightly and sipped her beer.

"Yeah?" Lilly asked in reply, glancing over at her friend with raised eyebrows and an expression of surprise. "Why's that?"

Kat chuckled softly and set the beer down on the bar. "Valens is a helluva lot easier to work with when he's happy than when he's poutin' about somethin'," she declared. "And you…whatever it is you do…" she rolled her eyes again, "…you keep him from poutin' quite so much."

Lilly giggled in response and sipped her drink. "Well, I got a vested interest in keepin' him from pouting, too," she reminded Kat. "It's not any more fun off the clock than on."

"Now, that's your own damn fault," Kat retorted unsympathetically. "You just _had _to go and…do what you did in Nashville," she spat, with a disgusted shake of her head. Taking another sip of her beer, she continued. "And now _I'm _stuck with him. I'm the victim here!" she insisted. She glanced over at Lilly, hoping to impress upon her colleague the seriousness of the situation, but suddenly burst into a fit of laughter, and the effect was ruined.

"Coulda been worse, y'know," Lilly retorted between her own giggles.

"Yeah," Kat agreed, choking back more laughter as she glanced over her shoulder to where the guys were playing darts. "Coulda gotten Vera."

As if on cue, over in the dart game, Vera managed to hit a decent shot, pumped his fist in celebration, then promptly began gloating, strutting around the game area like a prize rooster.

"Nice job," they heard Scotty congratulate Vera sarcastically, "Your dart ain't stuck in the wall this time."

Stillman and Jeffries laughed appreciatively in response, and Vera shot Scotty a brief glare and snapped back with some retort they couldn't quite hear.

Rolling her eyes, Kat turned away from the dart game, sighed, and took another sip of beer.

"Well, what about you?" Lilly asked, turning to her colleague. "You ever think about gettin' back in the dating world? I'm sure there are some nice guys out there…"

Kat shook her head. "Nah," she replied, not meeting Lilly's eyes. "I gotta be careful. Can't go bouncin' guys in and outta my life. Couldn't do that to Veronica. We need more stability than that."

Lilly nodded in sympathy, briefly wishing that her own mother had been as considerate of her needs as Kat was of Veronica's. With a sigh, Lilly took another sip of her drink. The past was past. What had happened in her childhood couldn't be erased, so Lilly's solution was to just block those memories from her mind and only think about them when absolutely necessary. With few exceptions over the years, that strategy had worked. Or, at least, had seemed to work until recently. Lilly wasn't sure why, but over the past several weeks, she'd found herself thinking of her mother more and more. Little things, like Kat's offhand comment about how her dating would impact her daughter, brought unwelcome memories to Lilly's mind. She and her mother were estranged, not having spoken since Ellen's fourth marriage, to a guy named Jackie. Lilly barely knew him, but he seemed nice enough, much nicer than Ellen's previous two husbands, anyway, and Lilly couldn't help but feel just a bit sorry for the guy. Jackie was clearly smitten with her mother, and it was painfully obvious that he had absolutely no idea what he was getting into. Lilly hadn't even been able to watch.

"Look at 'em," Kat commented, turning her head to look back at the dart game. Vera had apparently just made another decent shot, because he was flexing his arms and roaring in triumph. She heard Lilly giggling beside her.

"Uncontrolled testosterone is a dangerous thing," she mused, grateful for the distraction as Scotty and Vera exchanged a few words. She wasn't close enough to hear what was said, but she noticed that, whatever it was, it was provoking a fierce glare from Vera and a few snickers from Stillman and Jeffries.

"Buncha Neanderthals," Kat declared, polishing off the last of her beer.

* * *

"Boo-yah!" Vera exclaimed, flexing his biceps in celebration of his latest shot.

"You call those biceps?" Scotty replied with a teasing grin as he took a sip of his scotch. Perhaps, in the process of lifting the glass to his lips, he may have tightened the muscles in his own arm a bit more than necessary, but, had anyone asked, he would have denied it until the day he died.

"They're bigger than yours…Man Candy…" Vera replied, his eyes fixed on Scotty's right arm as he lowered the glass to the table.

"Oh, what, you, too now?" Scotty asked, rolling his eyes. He had absolutely no idea what had inspired Kat Miller to start calling him Man Candy all those months ago, but the nickname had stuck, and, to Scotty's chagrin, it had apparently spread.

"And the only reason your …biceps…are bigger than mine," he continued, "is 'cause I ain't flexin' fat."

"Oh, bite me," Vera replied with a glare, taking another swig of his beer.

Will Jeffries laughed softly and sidled up to his longtime friend, and boss, John Stillman. "Y'know how you'll be out for a walk, and you'll see a cardboard box with 'Free Puppies' written on it, and how there's always a couple of 'em wrestlin' and carryin' on?" he remarked, then, at Stillman's nod, he glanced in his co-workers' direction.

Stillman chuckled in appreciation. "As always, Will, your observational skills never fail to astound." He then took aim, lined up his shot, and hit a bulls-eye, provoking impressed congratulations from Jeffries, but no response from the younger detectives. The two men turned around to see their colleagues still deeply engrossed in mocking one another.

"Your turn, Mr. Universe," Jeffries commented with a smile, handing Vera a dart. Vera shot his former partner a dark look, took aim, and managed to lodge his dart in the outer frame of the board, provoking snickers from the others.

"I should get extra points for that," Vera insisted, gesturing toward the board emphatically. "Any idiot can land it in the center, but puttin' it in the frame takes real skill. Not to mention strength," he concluded, casting a significant look at Scotty.

Scotty was frantically searching his brain for an appropriately witty retort when his cell phone chirped and vibrated insistently against his hip. He lifted the phone out, checked the caller ID, sighed, pressed the Silence button, and placed the slim black phone back in its holder.

"If it's that important, she'll leave a message," he muttered, mostly to himself.

"Who, Lil?" Vera asked in surprise, glancing over to where the women sat at the bar. "Why the hell would Lil call you? She can just…come over here…" he said, but, upon further inspection, realized that Rush's phone was neatly stowed, and she and Miller were…_giggling…_ like a couple of teenage girls, and Vera couldn't even begin to fathom why.

Suddenly alarmed at this development, he turned his attention back to Scotty with a sly, leering grin. If it wasn't Rush on the phone, and Valens had referred to the caller as "she," _well _then_…_

"You got yourself a side dish, Valens?" he asked softly, elbowing his friend. In response to the surprised glare Scotty shot him, he hastily corrected himself. "Oh…my bad…_informant_."

Stillman and Jeffries, who had been taking aim at the board, turned around, their arms still poised to throw their darts, the sharp, silvery points of which gleamed menacingly in the dim light of the tavern.

"What?" they asked in disbelief, glaring at Scotty, who glanced incredulously from Vera to his suddenly irate older colleagues and back again.

"Oh, for God's sake," he sighed in exasperation, rolling his eyes slightly. "Do you people know me at all?"

"Yeah…we know you," Jeffries replied, without even the slightest trace of a smile. "That's why we're askin'."

"Have I ever, in my life, two-timed anyone?" Scotty retorted, refusing to allow his boss and his girlfriend's partner to intimidate him. "_Anyone_? Do I _need _to remind you how long I was with Elisa?"

"He's got a point there, Will," Stillman realized, lowering his dart.

"Besides," Scotty replied, grinning ruefully. "Lil's the best detective I've ever seen. If I was steppin' out on her, she'd have figured it out a long time ago, and Homicide'd be workin' _my _case."

"She'd prob'ly hide your body pretty good, too," Vera contributed, around a mouthful of peanuts. "Hell, she'd hide it so good _we'd_ be the ones workin' your case twenty years down the road."

"So what's with the phone call?" Jeffries asked, finally lowering his dart, although he continued to study Scotty with a fiercely scrutinizing stare.

"Nothin'," Scotty replied, avoiding his colleagues' eyes, then took another swig of scotch and grabbed his dart. "We still playin' this game, or what?" he asked. Without waiting for a reply, he fired the dart, and it met the board with a defiant-sounding _thwack._

* * *

"That's the third time today," Kat remarked, glancing over her shoulder once more.

"Third time for what?" Lilly asked as she followed her colleague's eyes to Scotty, who was replacing his phone in its holder and casting an annoyed glance in Vera's direction.

"Third time today Man Candy's gotten some phone call and hasn't answered it. He _always_ answers his phone," Kat replied with a meaningful look toward Lilly.

"Hey…on the job, I only call him about work," Lilly retorted, raising her hands in surrender.

"Uh-huh," Kat replied, studying Lilly as she sipped a fresh beer.

Lilly was about to protest her professionalism, and innocence, when the bartender's voice piped over the loudspeaker, announcing the next round of karaoke.

"Oh, here we go again," Lilly groaned, pushing her empty glass away and cradling her head in her hands, feeling the onset of another karaoke-induced headache. "Think I'm gonna need a refill to get through this."

"Karaoke's not that bad, Lil," Kat replied, thoroughly enjoying Lilly's visceral reaction to the announcement of more singing.

Lilly raised her head and stared at Kat in disbelief. "Have you not been listening tonight? A drunk college girl butchering 'We Belong?' That sixty-year-old Chinese guy singing 'Barbie Girl?' Did you not _hear _that?"

Kat chuckled. "Course I heard it," she retorted. "That just makes it even sweeter."

"Makes _what _sweeter?" Lilly demanded with a mystified frown.

"My victory tonight," Kat replied nonchalantly as she took another sip of her beer.

"Victory? What victory? You mean…_you're _gonna…? Oh, _God_," Lilly sputtered, burying her head in her hands again.

"I'll have you know I can wipe the floor with these jackasses," Kat retorted indignantly.

"It's not that," Lilly moaned.

"You're rememberin' Fatass and Valens singin' the theme from 'Cops,' aren't you," Kat realized confidently, with a mischievous smile.

"I wish I could forget," came the muffled reply.

"Well, relax, Rush," Kat rejoined. "Tonight's gonna make you forget all about that." Turning her attention away from her traumatized colleague and toward the bar, she called to the bartender. "Hey, Joe! Lemme have a look at that song list."

The bartender, who was shaking up another customer's martini, glanced at her in amused surprise. "Homicide's gonna serenade us again?" he remarked, grinning slightly. "This should be good."

"Cut the crap and hand it over," Kat ordered with a smile. Grinning, Joe slid the notebook across the bar at her, then turned his attention back to the other customers.

Lilly, who had finally dared to look up, glanced curiously at her colleague. "So, why tonight, of all nights?" she asked, not sure she really wanted to know the answer.

Kat smiled mischievously. "'Cause damn Fatass challenged me."

"Oh, God," Lilly groaned again.

"You remember that god-awful Danny Zuko impression he did during that one case a while back?" she asked. Lilly returning her face to her hands was all the confirmation Kat needed.

"Make it stop," Lilly wailed.

"Well, he…reminded me of that today after we got the confession," Kat explained, thoroughly enjoying Lilly's discomfort. "He said he'd bet me anything I couldn't do any better singin' in front of you all."

"Anything?" Lilly asked, raising her head from her hands once more. Kat Miller could resist many things, but Lilly knew that a challenge was about the last thing on that list. "So what're you gonna win tonight?"

"I like your spirit," Kat replied with a smile. "And Vera was willin' to bet me first dibs on the last donut for the next two weeks if mine's better than his."

"Oh, he's gonna regret makin' that bet," Lilly grinned.

"You bet your ass he is," Kat confirmed. "Now help me find a song."

Lilly's eyes widened and she shook her head emphatically, so Kat smiled, shrugged, and turned a couple of pages in the thick, laminated notebook, scrolling down the list with a fingertip. "Too sappy…too girly…too Red state…too hair metal," she murmured to herself, then sighed and turned the page. Reading the next category, she turned to Lilly with a wicked grin.

"Oh, look, Lil," she began, her voice carrying a disturbing amount of perverse pleasure. "They have a Broadway section."

Lilly froze, and her eyes widened in horror. "You wouldn't…" she began.

"I _so _would," Kat retorted, eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Don't even _think _about it," Lilly ordered icily, provoking another burst of giggles from her usually no-nonsense colleague.

Suddenly, Kat spied the perfect song and slapped the notebook closed defiantly.

"_There_ it is!" she announced, and without waiting for a reply from Lilly, she rose from her seat and headed down to the end of the bar, karaoke list in tow.

Lilly chuckled to herself, then took a sip of her new drink. Almost as soon as Kat vacated her right side, Lilly was aware of a warm, strong presence on her left.

"_Hola, querida," _a familiar voice purred seductively into her ear. "This seat taken?"

Lilly felt a sudden flush of heat in her cheeks as she turned around to see Scotty leaning against the bar, smiling flirtatiously, his coffee-colored eyes twinkling with twin sparks of mischief and desire. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in that smile, those broad shoulders, the heady scent of the aftershave he always wore combined with scotch and cigar smoke...

"Go right ahead," she replied smoothly, pulling out the barstool so he could take a seat. Scotty grinned, knowing Lilly was trying desperately to hide the fact that hearing him speak Spanish never failed to provoke a reaction, but, from the adorable flush in her cheeks and the way her eyes had darkened to indigo, he knew she had failed miserably. Judging from the thousand-watt smile she flashed him as he lowered himself onto the barstool, she didn't mind, and he was glad. That smile had been one of the first things that had attracted him to her, and he never failed to feel a secret thrill whenever it was turned in his direction. Lately, that had been quite a lot. He and Lilly had settled into their relationship comfortably, and Scotty had never felt more loved, or in love, in his entire life.

"So how'd the darts turn out?" she asked, noticing the other three guys sidling up to the bar and ordering drinks, Vera grudgingly paying for Stillman's whiskey, griping to whoever would listen as he did so.

Scotty shrugged with a rueful smile. "Boss kicked our asses," he admitted, taking a sip of his scotch. "But at least I didn't come in last."

"Who did?" Lilly asked, her eyes twinkling with curiosity as she twined her fingers with Scotty's.

"That'd be Mr. Universe over there," Scotty replied, glancing up at Vera in time to catch his colleague's responding glare.

Lilly giggled, then turned a sympathetic smile toward Scotty. "Sorry Boss beat you," she said.

"'S'okay," Scotty answered, wrapping an arm around her slender shoulders. "I was kinda startin' to miss you anyway."

"Aha," Lilly exclaimed in sudden realization. "So you let him kick your ass on purpose."

Scotty paused, then fixed her with a lopsided grin. "Yeah…we'll go with that," he replied noncommittally, then changed the subject.

"You and Miller havin' fun over here?" he asked.

"You could say that," Lilly answered slowly.

"Where is she, anyway?" Scotty asked, glancing around the bar. She had been sitting right next to Lilly, but was now nowhere to be seen.

As if on cue, a very, very familiar arpeggiated piano riff pierced through the background noise of the bar, and Vera, who until now had not been paying any attention, rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Tell me this ain't what I think it is," he groaned.

"What do you think it is?" Lilly asked pointedly, arching a delicate brow at him.

"Some piss-drunk software engineer is about to make a giant jackass of himself singin' the most overdone song in the history of karaoke," Vera chortled confidently, popping another handful of peanuts into his mouth. "This oughta be good."

The first notes of the vocal part cut off whatever Lilly might have said in reply.

_First I was afraid, I was petrified_

Impressed, Scotty glanced over his left shoulder toward the stage. "Hey, this one ain't bad," he remarked.

"No," Lilly replied, equally surprised. "No, she's not."

_Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side_

"Holy shit," Scotty sputtered, nearly choking on his scotch as he turned fully around. "Is that who I think it is?"

"Yep," Lilly replied matter-of-factly, not bothering to turn around.

"Holy…" Scotty began, but he couldn't finish his thought. All he could do was stare in disbelief at the stage.

_But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong_

A few cheers and "You go, girl's" punctuated the air as Jeffries glanced up, the strong, clear voice he was hearing from the karaoke stage quite unlike anything else he'd heard that night. As he recognized who was standing onstage, clearly enjoying every second, a broad smile filled his face.

"Nick," he said, elbowing his former partner, "you…might wanna turn around."

_And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along_

"That ain't karaoke," Vera asserted, taking another swig of beer and not bothering to turn around. "Some dame just broke up with her Jackass du Jour and is feedin' quarters to the jukebox."

As the disco beat in the song began to pulsate and people in the front row started to sway in time to the music, Jeffries chuckled softly. "Just turn around," he ordered.

Vera did, sighing in disgust and rolling his eyes. "I told you, it's just the--"

And then he was silent. Rendered utterly speechless by the fact that that song, the most overdone, over-butchered song in karaoke history…was being performed to perfection, complete and total perfection…

…by Kat Miller.

As the song continued, bar patrons began to clap in time to the music, and a few even got up and danced. Kat, up onstage, looked like she was having the time of her life. From time to time, she cast meaningful glances toward her colleagues, who, for their part, were cheering her on. All, that is, except for Vera, who was still sitting on the barstool in stunned silence, his mouth and eyes open wide in total shock.

When the song finished, the other patrons cheered wildly, and Kat smiled in triumph, took a bow, and marched proudly back to the bar, where she sat down, glanced around at the others with satisfaction, then coolly sipped her beer, as if unequivocal karaoke triumph were an everyday occurrence.

It was then, and only then, that Nick Vera managed to close his mouth.


	2. Sharing the Night Together

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the posters in the shipper thread at "Look Again," be they shippers or non-shippers. You may recognize some of your arguments in a later scene in this chapter…**

**Disclaimer: The computer is mine. The desk is mine. The characters are not**.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Sharing the Night Together**

"What?" Kat demanded, glancing around the bar at her colleagues, who were all still staring at her in stunned silence. "You all act like you've never seen kickass karaoke before…oh, wait. That's right. You haven't," she finished for them, grinning proudly and taking another sip of her beer.

"So how much have you had to drink?" Scotty asked, carefully studying his partner for signs of inebriation.

"Two beers," she replied nonchalantly. "Why?"

"Only…only _two beers_, and you're up there doin'…._that_?" Scotty sputtered in disbelief. "You got any idea how much booze it'd take to get me to sing where people could hear me?"

"Oh, about half a bottle of scotch," a grinning Jeffries replied smoothly, causing Vera to chortle and nearly choke on his mouthful of peanuts. Scotty shot them both a dark glare.

"Now…wait a minute…you weren't drunk when you and Vera sang the theme from Cops that one time," Lilly pointed out, arching a brow in curiosity. "You'd only had a couple beers yourself."

"That's right…and besides…we dared you to do that," Kat realized slowly, turning to fix her partner with a scrutinizing stare. "So..if they ain't talkin' about Cops…what the hell _are_ they talkin' about?"

"Yeah, what _are _they talking about?" Lilly echoed, from the other side of Scotty, leading him to glance helplessly from one to the other. The idea of his girlfriend and his partner both giving him their own, individual Interrogating-A-Suspect look was, quite frankly, unnerving, and a quick look around at Stillman, who was sitting quietly, smoking his cigar and watching the proceedings with interest, Jeffries, whose dark eyes were still twinkling with mischief, and Vera, who Scotty could tell was cooking up his next smart-ass comment, told him that the brotherhood of the squad was about to fail him. Big-time.

"Holy kickass karaoke, Batman!" Joe the bartender interrupted jovially, leaning his elbows on the bar across from Kat. "Where the_ hell _did you learn to sing like that?" he asked, leading Scotty to sigh with relief and sip his scotch.

"Took a few voice lessons back in high school," Kat replied, with a casual shrug.

Joe winced as a perfectly coiffed blonde soccer mom who had clearly had at least two margaritas too many took the stage and began to gigglingly stumble her way through "Milkshake."

"Well…I've owned this bar for twelve years, and I've never heard _anything _as good as that. I think I'm gonna have to retire that song," he remarked, grinning widely at Kat. "You just earned yourself a drink on the house."

Without waiting for a response, he filled Kat's beer glass and set it back in front of her, then asked if he could get anything for anyone else. Jeffries ordered a refill of his brandy, but the others shook their heads.

After Joe went off to get Jeffries his drink, Kat studied her beer. "Think I've had enough for tonight," she remarked. "Anybody want this one?" Without waiting for a reply, she slid it over to Vera, who chugged about a third of it, then grinned at her.

"You're welcome, Fatass," she replied drily.

"Hey, Valens," Vera began, leaning around behind Kat to talk to Scotty. "You should order Lil a Screaming--"

"Oh, for God's sake," Kat interrupted, with a playful smack of Vera's arm. "What the hell are you, twelve?"

"Thirteen," Vera corrected, with a teasing grin. "Had a birthday last week."

"So, Miller…why didn't you become a singer?" Jeffries asked Kat as he smiled his thanks to Joe, who'd just brought his brandy.

"You kiddin' me?" Kat replied, glancing over at him incredulously. "Gettin' up onstage, havin' to be perfect in fronta thousands of people every single night?" She shuddered and shook her head. "I don't need that kinda pressure in my life."

"So…you became a cop…" Jeffries finished slowly.

Kat tossed him a grin. "Hey, I got a partner now. I don't need to be perfect all the time," she replied.

Jeffries didn't say anything, just looked over her head at Scotty, who was whispering something in Lilly's ear. Whatever he was saying was causing her to blush madly and playfully shove him away. Kat turned around just in time to see her undeterred partner return to his no-doubt lascivious whispering. She watched Lilly giggle and shove him away again, then turned back to Jeffries with a disgusted sigh.

"Dammit," she griped. "I _still _have to be perfect."

Jeffries chuckled and sipped his brandy. "So…was this for the glory? The satisfaction? The fact that you made Nick shut up for over three entire minutes?"

Kat's eyes twinkled merrily. "Well, yeah…all those were nice, but…" she glanced slyly at Vera, and realization dawned on Jeffries.

"You did it for the donuts, didn't you?" he concluded, smiling broadly.

"You bet your black ass I did it for the donuts," she replied matter-of-factly. "First dibs on the last one for two entire weeks? And all I have to do is sing somethin' better than Vera's Danny Zuko impression? You think I'm passin' up an opportunity like that?"

Halfhearted applause drowned out whatever Jeffries might have said in response, and he turned around to see a fat guy in an Eagles jersey take the stage, down a shot of tequila, and glower out at the audience for a minute.

"This song is for That Bitch Who Dumped Me," he slurred bitterly, and Jeffries took a sip of his brandy, watching the goings-on with interest. Angry, drunk former lovers always made for the most entertaining karaoke singers. Or…any kind of singers, for that matter, he realized, stealing an amused glance in Scotty's direction.

Much to Jeffries' surprise, instead of the irate hair metal song he expected to hear, a slightly familiar-sounding guitar riff filled the air. It took Jeffries a few seconds to place it, but once he did, he grinned broadly and turned once again toward Scotty. He couldn't have orchestrated this better if he'd been the DJ himself. He thought about saying something, thought about it hard, but decided it would be far more fun to wait and see how long it took Valens to figure it out on his own.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

The opening lines of the song penetrated Scotty's consciousness, and he paused in the midst of flirting with Lilly to take them in. He didn't know the song, _shouldn't_ know the song. It was _country_, for God's sake. And he hated country. It never failed to give him a pounding headache. So why the hell, _how _the hell, did he know, without even thinking, that the next line would be…

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out_

Scotty glanced around in confusion and his eyes fell on the broad, twinkling smile of Will Jeffries. Suddenly, he knew. He _knew._

"Shit," he exclaimed, before he could stop himself. This. Was. Not. Happening.

"You okay, Scotty?" Lilly asked, pausing mid-laugh to turn and see the sudden change in her boyfriend's demeanor. Where it had been jovially flirtatious moments before, it was now almost…sheepish? What the hell was _that_ about?

She glanced from Scotty to Jeffries, who, for some reason, was grinning more widely than she'd ever seen him, and back again, then met Kat's eyes. Kat, who up until this point, had been arguing with Vera about whether or not KaraoKat would be an acceptable new nickname, glanced back at Lilly in confusion.

"What the hell's goin' on? Why's everybody lookin' at everybody else weird?" she demanded.

"Ask Valens," Jeffries said softly, eliciting a fierce glare from Scotty.

Vera glanced from Scotty to Jeffries, wondering what was going on, and Scotty was momentarily relieved to see a blank look on Vera's face as he sat there, munching on a handful of peanuts and seemingly tuned out to all the commotion around him. Jeffries was far too dignified to say anything, Scotty knew, and if Vera could just remain oblivious for the next couple minutes, all would be…

Crap. Vera suddenly got a knowing twinkle in his eyes, and Scotty realized, with a sinking feeling, that the game was up. He heard the words even before they were out of Vera's mouth.

"Hey, Man Candy," Vera began with a teasing leer. "It's your song. You gonna let that drunk jackass sing your song? You better get up there and do it right. Make us proud."

Scotty shook his head, smiled sheepishly, and lifted his scotch glass in a silent toast to his own drunken stupidity. All Lilly could do was look at him, confusion swimming in her blue eyes.

"What the hell are they talkin' about?" she demanded.

Kat, who was also studying him, suddenly piped up. "Half a bottle of scotch, huh? Sounds like Will knows from personal experience." She paused thoughtfully for a moment. "_Wait _a minute…" she began, then turned to Vera with a knowing look on her face. He nodded in confirmation, and Kat choked back a giggle.

_Personal experience? _Lilly wondered. When would Jeffries have had personal experience with…?

_Oh._

A sudden memory flashed into Lilly's mind, a memory of the evidence room the day they'd gotten back together.

_Thank God, _Vera had said, upon learning that they were reunited. _'Cause I can't take any more of Scotty's singin'._

The truth hit Lilly like a ton of bricks. This song must have been what Scotty was singing the night they'd broken up. She grinned slightly and began to pay closer attention, and Scotty could tell by that grin that she, too, had finally figured it out.

_And never knowin' what could have been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

Lilly listened to the words of the song, and despite the horrible, off-key, tequila-fueled rendition she was hearing, the lyrics pierced her soul with a pang of guilt. This…_this _was how Scotty had felt the night she'd flipped out and broken his heart? This was how badly she'd hurt him?

"You okay, Lil?" he whispered into her ear, and for a moment, the song, the background noise, the banter of her colleagues, all faded into oblivion, and it was just the two of them in a frozen moment.

"Yeah," she replied, turning to look at him. "I'm just…God, Scotty, I'm sorry I…"

"That was a long time ago," Scotty reminded her gently, placing his hand over hers and looking deep into her eyes. He gazed at her intently, silently willing her to understand that what had happened between them had been forgiven entirely, totally washed away in the waves of bliss that had followed.

When they'd entered Lilly's apartment that night, they'd both sensed that this was…different somehow. Lilly had shyly excused herself upstairs to change out of her work clothes, and Scotty had busied himself downstairs making a fire, piling the sofa cushions on the floor in front of it, and corralling the cats in the kitchen, all the while breathing earnest prayers of thanks that they were together again.

When she'd come downstairs, wearing that black negligee, and he'd gently taken her hand and led her to the makeshift bed he'd created, Scotty's heart had leaped into his throat, not just with lust, but with overwhelming love, a love so powerful it had stolen his breath and pricked his eyes with tears. It had been achingly, deliciously slow that night as he laid her down in front of the fire and breathed words of love between the kisses he pressed against her delicate flesh. Gone was the urgency of that afternoon in the evidence warehouse. She'd promised him _her_, and he intended to take his time enjoying that gift.

Lilly smiled lovingly at Scotty as she remembered his lips, his hands, and, dear God, the look in his eyes as he'd brought her to a completion so exquisite that it almost made her sob in ecstasy, and as he'd entered her body shortly thereafter, she'd felt him entering her heart, too, and she'd realized that this was the first time she'd truly opened her whole self to someone. She couldn't think much beyond that, though. All she could do was breathe as best she could, grip his slick shoulders as he moved inside her, and gaze into his eyes. As she'd floated down from the stars that second time, she'd looked up at him, her vision blurred with unshed tears, and had been simply awestruck by the beauty of the moment, by the adoration she'd seen shining in his eyes, by the smile he just couldn't suppress, by the flicker of the firelight reflected in the crystal droplets of sweat that meandered down his chest, and as she sought his lips, she'd managed, in a ragged whisper, "I love you, Scotty."

That declaration had come from the very depths of her soul, and she could tell by the expression on his face that it had touched him deeply. He'd kissed her tenderly, then finished with a deep, shuddering sigh that spoke of far more than just physical release. It was the sigh of a man who'd been on an epic journey and had finally found his way home, and neither of them had been able to speak as he'd lowered himself to lie down next to her and she'd cradled him in her arms. She had no idea how long they lay there silently in front of the fireplace, completely sated and half-asleep, but the fire had smoldered down to the barest of embers when they'd finally struggled to their feet and climbed the stairs to finish out the night on a far more comfortable surface.

Lilly could tell, as she gazed into Scotty's eyes, that he was having exactly the same memories she was, and she finally managed a weak-sounding, "Yeah…I guess it was."

Scotty smiled back at her and started to reply, but whatever he might have said was interrupted by the scattering of peanut shells between them. Slightly annoyed, Scotty glanced over his shoulder to find Vera with a gleeful expression on his face, a peanut cocked and ready to go in his right hand.

"Earth to Valens," he chortled. "How the hell are we supposed to make fun of you if you ain't even payin' attention?"

"Oh, leave 'em alone, Fatass," Kat said, grabbing the peanut out of his hand, shelling it expertly, and popping it into her mouth before he could even blink. "They're havin' a _moment._"

"Well, not anymore," Scotty griped, turning away from Lilly with a reluctant sigh. He shot Vera a glare, but couldn't suppress his grin. Moment, indeed. One that he definitely wouldn't mind recreating later.

Lilly sighed shakily and took a grateful sip of her water. Truth be told, she was slightly thankful for the distraction. Even though she'd opened up slightly to her colleagues, she still wasn't entirely comfortable letting them see just how deep her feelings for Scotty ran, and she was sure that having memories of that particular night in a bar right in front of all of them was not exactly the best way to go about maintaining her comfort level. Although…that night _had _been wonderful…

"You're still thinkin' about it, aren't you?" Scotty whispered confidently into her ear. He could feel rather than see her slight blush, and he grinned at her. "Me, too," he continued softly, then casually took another sip of his scotch.

Applause marked the end of the Eagles fan's Rascal Flatts rendition, which was punctuated by a drunken-sounding, "Yeeeahhh! You show that crack ho who's boss!"

Stillman and Jeffries turned and looked at one another. "They…_did _listen to the words of the song…didn't they, John?" Jeffries asked in disbelief.

"You get that much tequila in you, anything'll make sense," Stillman replied with a slight smile, then placed some cash on the counter and rose from his barstool. "I'm gettin' too old for this," he remarked.

"With you on that," Jeffries agreed. "Karaoke night brings an entirely different element to this place." He rose from his seat, took care of his tab, and the two of them wished their younger colleagues good night and headed out.

Lilly looked longingly at the door of the bar as Stillman and Jeffries exited, enjoying the puff of fresh autumn air that reached them where they sat. She stifled a yawn and tried to ignore the fact that she was getting another karaoke-related headache. That tone-deaf Chinese guy was back, and he was trying to sing Enrique Iglesias. Had she not had more than her fill of drunken singing, she would have found it amusing, but this just…wasn't.

Scotty, who had been deeply engrossed in a conversation with Vera about the Phillies' playoff run, suddenly shuddered when the singer reached the chorus.

_I can be your hero, baby_

_I can kiss away the pain_

Scotty took one look at Lilly and found her looking a bit paler than normal.

"I didn't think anyone could do a worse version of this song than Enrique Iglesias, but…this guy can," she remarked drily.

"Aw, you ain't a fan of ol' Enrique, Lil?" Vera asked teasingly. "I thought for sure you would be, what with your Latin fetish and all," he remarked.

And with that comment, Scotty had reached his limit. "Okay, we're goin'," he said decisively, laid some cash on the bar, bade his co-workers good night, and escorted Lilly out of the tavern.

Once they were gone, Vera leaned over toward Kat.

"So," he began, the teasing gone from his voice and a hint of what sounded suspiciously, to Kat, like…uncertainty…coloring it instead, "that song you sang?"

"What about it?" she asked, arching a brow.

"That, uh…that…didn't…y'know…_mean _anything, right?" he asked, with a hopeful grin.

Kat couldn't suppress the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Course not, Fatass," she retorted matter-of-factly. "It's just a karaoke song."

"Gotcha," he answered. He paused, took a sip of his beer, and turned toward her again. "So…I'm still comin' over tonight, right?"

"What do _you _think?" she asked witheringly.

"Well," Vera replied, smiling broadly. "Okay, then." Turning his attention from Kat to the bowl of peanuts in front of him, he grabbed another handful and gleefully returned to munching.

* * *

When they got back to her apartment, Lilly sank down onto her sofa, scratched Olivia between the ears, and picked up the remote control. She'd never watched much TV in her life, but thanks to Scotty's insistence that she get DVR, she was now able to keep up with a couple of shows. She and Scotty didn't have much in common in the way of their taste in television, she'd realized; he cared much more deeply about sports than she ever would, and his ability to watch two baseball games simultaneously by flipping the channel between pitches completely astounded her. However, they'd found one show they both liked, ironically, a cop show, and she scrolled through the menu for the most recent episode.

Scotty came in from the kitchen with a couple bottles of beer and sat down on the sofa next to Lilly. She took the proffered beverage gratefully, and they clinked the bottles together.

"To another case closed," he remarked proudly, and Lilly rewarded him with a dazzling smile as they each took a sip.

The show was just about to start when Scotty's phone rang again. He glanced down at the caller ID, sighed and rolled his eyes slightly, silenced the phone, and replaced it in its holder, then looked up to find Lilly arching a brow quizzically.

"You gonna answer that?" she asked, nuzzling Olivia under the chin.

"Nah," Scotty replied quickly, glancing at her with what he hoped was a nonchalant smile. "It ain't that important." Without waiting for her response, he grabbed the remote, threw his arm around Lilly's shoulders, and pressed Play.

Within moments, Tripod was curled up in Scotty's lap, and he and Lilly were engrossed in their show, bantering back and forth, and trying to solve the case before the detectives on TV did, something they did every episode, and a game which Lilly won with alarming regularity. This night was no exception.

After the show was over, Lilly gathered up the beer bottles and headed for the kitchen. "Those two make such an adorable couple," she commented.

Scotty was dumbfounded. "Couple?" he echoed in disbelief. "Those two ain't a couple, Lil. They're friends and partners, that's it."

"Oh, not yet they're not a couple," Lilly called from the kitchen, tossing the bottles into the trash and returning to face him with a confident smile. "But they will be."

"Never gonna happen," Scotty disagreed firmly. "Just 'cause a guy and a girl are both good-lookin' and they got a lotta scenes together don't mean they're gonna hook up."

"It's…it's not shallow like that," she replied in disbelief. "Although…he's definitely easy on the eyes."

"Hey, she ain't bad, either," Scotty retorted.

"I just…I can't believe you don't see it," Lilly continued. She grabbed the remote, found the scene she was looking for, and paused the show, then turned back to face Scotty. "Can't you see how he looks at her? He's in love with her…it's so obvious! And you're a detective! I can't _believe_ you don't see it."

With a lopsided grin, Scotty rose from the sofa and studied the image on the screen carefully, looking at it from every conceivable angle, even upside-down, which caused Lilly to giggle.

"I don't," he finally concluded. "I mean… he obviously cares a lot about her, 'cause they're partners… and I don't think he'd be opposed to doin' her, 'cause she's hot…but he ain't in love with her."

Lilly tossed a pillow across the room at him. "You are so unromantic, Scotty," she accused.

"Me?" Scotty retorted in disbelief. "_I'm_ unromantic? _Me_?"

"You are if you don't see that," Lilly shot back, gesturing toward the TV. "He's crazy about her."

Scotty placed both hands on Lilly's shoulders and grinned at her. "Aw, Lil…" he began, "you're so cute when you're wrong."

Lilly's mouth opened wide in amused shock. "I'm not wrong, Valens," she insisted, around her laughter. "You'll see. Sure, it'll take awhile, but they'll get together someday."

"It'd totally ruin the show if they did," Scotty argued. "This show's about the cases, not about them. If they got all gooey over each other, it'd just screw it all up. Besides…partners hookin' up? I gotta say it's kinda cliché."

Lilly shot him a withering glare and placed her hands on her hips. "So you think partners hookin' up is a cliché, huh? I want you to think very carefully about that for a minute…"

Scotty glanced at her in alarm and hastily tried to backtrack. "Crap…I ain't sayin' it's cliché when it happens in real life…I'm sayin' that _because_ it happens in real life, doin' it on _TV_ is cliché."

"But if TV doesn't reflect real life, then how are people gonna relate to it, Valens?" she retorted, thoroughly enjoying watching him try to squirm his way out of the hole he'd just inadvertently dug for himself.

"People can use their imaginations," he protested. "TV's a helluva lot more fun when it ain't what you do day in and day out."

"Says the person who just happily spent an hour watching a cop show," Lilly scoffed.

"That's different, Lil," he argued. "They ain't a cold case squad. Hell, they're not even Homicide. Big difference."

"Whatever," Lilly replied, waving a hand dismissively. "You're missing the point. The point is, he's totally in love with her, and I can't believe you don't see it. Can't believe she doesn't see it either…is she blind?"

"Well," Scotty said with a shrug and a mischievous grin. "She is kind of a tough nut to crack."

Lilly shot him another glare, and he backtracked again. "I mean…not that I'd know anything about that. And what the hell is so damn special about the way he looks at her, anyway?" he asked, gesturing toward the TV.

"Because it's the same way you look at me, Scotty," Lilly replied softly.

Scotty felt a flood of warmth rushing through his heart, and he broke into a wide grin. "Well, when you put it that way…" he said, crossing the room in about a step. "Care to indulge in a little cliché?" His gaze switched in a flash from tender love to smoldering desire, and Lilly instantly felt her heart start to race.

"Thought you'd never ask," she replied sweetly, wrapping her arms around Scotty as he lowered his head to kiss her.

Their lips were mere millimeters apart when Lilly felt an insistent vibration from Scotty's left hip. He reluctantly paused and let out a frustrated groan.

"That your phone, Scotty, or are you just really, really happy to see me?" Lilly asked with a giggle. Scotty shot her a half-grin, half-glare as he checked the caller ID, but his smile faded when he saw the number, and he swore under his breath.

"Scotty?" Lilly asked him, frowning with concern. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," he replied with a roll of his eyes. "I just… I gotta take this one. Outside, if that's okay," he said, and Lilly, too stunned to object, merely nodded.

"As always, she's got perfect timin'," Scotty muttered as he sat down on Lilly's front step and flipped the phone open to take the call.

* * *

**A/N: I promise, the mystery of the phone calls will be solved next chapter. **


	3. Time Has Come Today

**Disclaimer: Most of these characters don't belong to me. **

**Chapter Three: Time Has Come Today**

* * *

Half an hour later, Lilly glanced out the window and saw Scotty sitting on her front steps, the phone still pressed to his ear. His back was to her, so she couldn't see his face or read his expression, and this irritated her to no end. She couldn't tell a damn thing about this mysterious phone call from looking at his back. He was still seated, though, wasn't pacing back and forth or hitting anything, so, whatever it was, it couldn't have been too bad. She pressed her ear to the door, trying to hear some of Scotty's end of the conversation, but, much to her chagrin, it was all in Spanish. She'd picked up enough over the months they'd been together to be able to pick out a few words, but, she realized, Scotty wasn't talking much. Mostly just listening. When he did speak, it was mostly a string of _lo siento'_s and _yo sé'_s. She recognized those as "I'm sorry" and "I know," but the rest of Scotty's words, when he uttered them, were in that fluent, rapid-fire Spanish that she couldn't, for the life of her, even begin to understand, and, even if she could, she found it so intoxicatingly sexy that all her power of translation would be rapidly consumed in the greedy flames of desire.

Smiling to herself, Lilly turned away from the window, went back to the sofa, and decided to spend some quality time with the cats.

* * *

Scotty flipped his phone closed, sighed, and sat there on the stoop, watching the leaves skitter by on the sidewalk and half wishing he could join them, just flutter away on the cool autumn breeze and fade into oblivion. His mother always had impeccable timing, always knew to call just when she'd be interrupting something, and tonight was no exception. Her emergency du jour had been to inform him that Rosalia had spilled the beans about his new girlfriend, and oh, by the way, he couldn't possibly have forgotten his grandmother's birthday party this weekend, could he? His mother had strongly hinted that this particular family gathering would be the perfect opportunity for them to meet this Lilly person.

Smiling ruefully, Scotty sighed again as he caught one of the tumbling leaves and twirled it back and forth between his thumb and forefinger, studying it as though it contained all the answers he needed. He'd been intending to take this step with Lilly for a while now, had been wanting to introduce her to his family ever since early that summer, but every opportunity he got, every birthday, every holiday, every family gathering of any sort, he'd chickened out and gone alone. He hadn't even told them he was seeing anyone, petrified of how Lilly would respond. She'd said baby steps, practically begged him for them the day they got back together, and Scotty hadn't mentioned word one about anything relationship-related ever since. Oh, he'd wanted to broach the subject, but he figured that anything of that nature would send Lilly running for the hills, and, knowing firsthand what that was like, he'd managed to keep his mouth shut. He loved her, she loved him, they were a couple…what more did they need? But now…now things were different, his hand was being forced…and he was absolutely terrified of Lilly's reaction.

He sat there on the porch, pondering his next move, wondering how the hell he could possibly convince Lilly to take this step without scaring her half to death. It wasn't anything huge to ask of her, really, though he was sure she'd think it was. Scotty winced as images of sleeping alone in a cold bed in his dark, lonely apartment floated through his mind, taunting him mercilessly, and he silently cursed the position he'd been put in. He hadn't introduced a girl to his family for twenty years, and it was every bit as nerve-wracking now as it had been then. Except back then, he'd just been a kid, a gangly, messy-haired kid of fourteen. He hadn't had the faintest idea what the hell he was doing. But now…now he did. Now he knew. And, Scotty realized with a start, he wouldn't be introducing Lilly to his family out of a sense of duty or obligation. No, he discovered…it was important to him, too. Really, almost terrifyingly important. Lilly was perfectly content with the way things were between them, and not a day went by that Scotty wasn't grateful for what they had, grateful that they'd made it this far… but as wonderful as that was…heart sinking, he realized that what they had…it wasn't quite enough. _Dammit._ He loved Lilly. He loved his family. And he desperately wanted his family to meet her, and for her to meet them. He wanted that next step. Wanted it so badly he could taste it.

_Only way to find out is to ask her, Valens, _his brain reminded him. _And you better do it soon, or else she's gonna come outside and wonder why the hell you're still sittin' out here lookin' at leaves. Now be a man and get your ass in there._

Scotty smiled ruefully, rose to his feet, and took a couple deep breaths. _Here goes. _

He pushed open Lilly's front door and found her lounging on the sofa, cuddling with both cats and talking to them softly. She looked up when she heard him come in.

"Everything okay, Scotty?" she asked, concern flitting across her face.

Scotty exhaled and shot her a sheepish grin. "Yeah…everything's fine."

"Then why do you look so frazzled?" she asked him, her brow creasing in confusion as she smiled up at him.

Scotty sighed again, then cleared his throat and started to pace back and forth in front of the couch. "I, uh…I got…somethin' I need to ask you," he began, sounding more nervous than she'd ever heard him.

"Okay…" she replied uncertainly, her smile beginning to fade.

He looked up, grinned slightly, then ran a hand through his hair, glanced back down at the floor, and continued to pace. "It's just that…well…we've been together awhile now…and, uh… I know you said baby steps before, and I don't wanna flip you out or nothin'…and…if this is too soon for this kinda thing, it's fine…it's up to you, Lil. I don't wanna pressure you into doin' somethin' you ain't ready for, but…well…it'd really mean a lot to me if you'd.…I mean…it's nothin' big, but it's--"

Lilly giggled as she removed Olivia from her lap, rose from the sofa, crossed the room, and interrupted him mid-pace, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "Just ask me," she ordered softly into his ear.

"You ain't gonna flip out on me?" he asked with a grin, turning slightly to meet her eyes.

"Depends on what it is," Lilly replied matter-of-factly as she shrugged slightly.

"Fair enough," Scotty agreed, then took another deep breath, extricated himself from her embrace, and turned to face her, grasping her hands in his.

"The phone calls I've been gettin' all day?" he began, looking at her expectantly.

"Yeah?" she replied. "What about 'em?"

"It was my mom," he explained simply, with a sheepish, yet hopeful, grin.

"Your mom, huh?" Lilly replied, realization dawning on her. The exasperated looks, the reluctance to answer, the sheer length of the conversation, the repeated Spanish apologies…all of that suddenly made perfect sense. She couldn't suppress her teasing smile, and her eyes began to twinkle with amusement.

"Yeah," Scotty said, smiling ruefully. "And I wouldn'ta answered that last one…believe me, but…well…me and her have this thing where if she calls five times and I don't answer, she assumes I've been shot and starts callin' the hospitals."

Lilly giggled. "Guess just now was five?"

Scotty grinned, his nerves beginning to ease somewhat. This might not be the epic disaster he'd assumed it would be. "Yeah… it was."

"So…what'd she want?" Lilly asked, suddenly very curious about what sort of woman had raised this man who stood before her.

Scotty paused, frantically searching for the right words. "She wanted to…remind me that my grandma's birthday's comin' up…she's turnin' ninety, y'know…so they're havin' a little party for her, and, well…I gotta be there," he said slowly. "You, uh…you wanna come?" _Great work, Valens. Way to be convincing._

Lilly froze and took a deep breath. Meeting…his parents? His grandmother? With him? As his _girlfriend_? Was she…were they…ready for that? The fight-or-flight reflex kicked in, and before she even had time to process his request, she heard words coming out of her mouth.

"I…I don't…the family thing…Scotty, that's…," she started to say, and she mentally kicked herself as she saw Scotty's eyes darken with disappointment. _Crap._

"Yeah, okay…I get it," he replied, trying to keep his voice light. _Dammit_. He could have figured as much. _Least she ain't runnin' scared this time…_

"But I'll—I'll come if you want me to," Lilly blurted out, desperate to get rid of that wounded, crestfallen look on Scotty's face. God, she'd do anything to avoid that. She hadn't realized how _much _it meant to him for her to meet his family. _And if it means that much to him…_

"Yeah?" Scotty replied, brightening, and Lilly felt an odd mixture of elation and panic at the way his eyes suddenly lit up when they met hers.

_It means that much._

"Yeah," she agreed cheerfully, with a bit less confidence than her voice indicated. "I mean…we've been together a while now, like you said, and…it's…it's time."

"If you're sure," Scotty agreed slowly, scrutinizing Lilly's expression, trying to determine if she was agreeing because she actually wanted to, or agreeing merely because she felt she should. They'd been down this road before, the two of them, and he'd be damned if he let himself drag her into something she didn't wasn't ready for. He'd learned that lesson the hard way. "'Cause…I don't want you to do this just to humor me."

"No…I want to," Lilly protested with a smile, and then her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Bet you got some pretty cute baby pictures." Despite her knee-jerk panic reaction, she really was sort of curious to see how Scotty had grown up.

Scotty rolled his eyes. "Don't get Ma started," he warned. "You'll be lookin' at pictures for hours."

"Oh, I can think of worse ways to spend an evening," she remarked with a smile as Scotty closed the slight gap between them.

"And I can think of better," he purred into her ear, gratefully nibbling on the tender flesh of the lobe as he did so. God, this woman…Scotty didn't think there'd ever be a day when Lilly Rush didn't completely amaze him.

Lilly sighed in delight and offered up her throat. "When's this…little party of yours?" she asked distractedly as Scotty slowly moved his lips from her earlobe to the creamy skin of her neck.

"Sunday," he murmured against her flesh, intoxicated by the softness of her skin, by its delicious scent, by the way she….

"_This_ Sunday?" Lilly asked, pulling away from him in surprise.

"Yeah," Scotty confirmed, trying to fight through the fog of desire enough to determine if she was hitting the Stop button, or merely Pause. "This Sunday."

"Well…if I'm gonna flip out about it, guess I only have two days to get it outta my system," she teased.

"Guess so," Scotty answered, frantically searching her eyes. _Stop or Pause? Stop or Pause? _

"Unless…" she began flirtatiously.

"Unless?" Scotty asked, heart racing.

"Unless I'm too distracted to flip out," Lilly finished, her voice lowering seductively and her fingers slowly tracing a path from his throat down to his belt, which she gently began to loosen.

_Play._

Scotty grinned and drew a shaky breath. "Think I can take care of that," he replied huskily, then devoured her lips before she had a chance to change her mind.

* * *

The next morning, Lilly awoke to find Olivia hopping up on her side of the bed, but instead of yowling indignantly like she usually did, the cat merely curled up next to Lilly and immediately began to purr. Lilly smiled and reached out a hand to caress her pet, grateful that Olivia had seen that she was awake and decided to let her stay in bed anyway.

Glancing over at Scotty, Lilly was surprised to find him still sleeping soundly, Tripod curled up at his feet. The blankets covered all but the top half of his chest, and she glanced at him appreciatively for a moment. He was rolled over on his side, facing her, his cheek pillowed on his hand, a day's worth of stubble shadowing his jaw line and his hair a bit disheveled from his very successful attempts to distract her.

Lilly sighed and reached out to caress the curve of his cheekbone. He stirred slightly, but didn't wake up, and Lilly smiled as she continued to gaze lovingly at her boyfriend. Scotty usually woke up before she did, so she very rarely got the opportunity to just lie there and watch him sleep.

Scotty…there wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't grateful for his persistence, for his stubbornness, for his refusal to abandon their relationship for an easier one, to seek out a woman who wouldn't fight every new step tooth and nail. _He must think I'm worth the fight, _she realized, and her heart flooded with love for him. No one had ever fought for her before. Ever. But…Lilly desperately longed for a day when he didn't have to fight for every inch of relationship progress…when the fight didn't have to be _with _her. Like the night before. God, she'd never seen him that nervous, not even when he went toe-to-toe with the worst kinds of evil…and all he was doing was asking her if she'd come meet his family.

Lilly sighed again. His family. Despite the fact that he didn't talk about them much, she'd been able to see just how deeply he loved them. Little things had told her that, even back when they'd just been partners. She'd learned that his family, his blood…was one of the most important things in the world to him. Lilly…well…she simply couldn't relate.

She'd heard the most about his grandmother, starting from the first night he'd stayed over and had made Lilly his grandmother's Cuban eggs and ham for breakfast. She didn't know many facts about the woman, but whenever Scotty mentioned his grandmother, he spoke of her with a reverent affection that, quite frankly, Lilly envied. She had never even met her own grandparents.

Scotty hadn't said much about his parents, either, just a passing anecdote here and there. She'd managed to glean, over the years, that his father had come from Cuba as a teenager, and his mother had emigrated with her family from Puerto Rico as a little girl. She knew Scotty had a brother, Mike, but most of what she knew about him had come from the Coach Fitzpatrick case. Scotty hadn't shared anything about that with her at the time, but that summer, the case had gone to trial, and Mike had testified. Scotty had gone to the trial alone, not wanting the first time she met his brother to be on one of the most difficult days of Mike's life, and had come home that night looking emotionally drained, but proud. She'd sat next to Scotty on his sofa in silence, her arms wrapped around him, for over an hour that night.

Lilly's reverie was interrupted by the trill of her cell phone, and she leaped from bed to answer it before it could awaken Scotty. As she hit the Silence button, she glanced back at him, relieved, and a bit surprised, that he was still sleeping. Lilly grinned as she flipped her phone open to answer it. She must have really worn him out last night…

"Rush," she answered softly, taking the phone with her out into the hallway, Olivia at her heels.

"Sorry to bother you so early, Lil," Stillman's voice came over the line. "We've just gotten new information on a cold job…feel like comin' in on a Saturday?"

Lilly paused. Over the past few months, the squad had gradually decreased the insane number of hours they put in on the job. They were every bit as passionate about the cases as they'd always been, but it had seemed that each team member had, on his or her own, come to the conclusion that there was perhaps more to life than work, and Stillman hadn't pushed. In fact, Lilly had noticed, Boss himself had stopped coming in looking quite so careworn. She'd heard he'd been spending more time with his grandson.

But, Lilly realized…a case…today…that just might keep her from flipping out about meeting Scotty's family. She could bury herself in someone else's problems so she didn't have to deal with her own. The more she thought about it, the better the idea sounded.

"Sure thing, Boss," she replied cheerfully.

"Okay," Stillman answered. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure," Lilly said firmly.

"If, uh…if Scotty wants to come in, we could use his help, too," Stillman added, after an awkward pause.

"You try callin' him?" Lilly asked lightly. Their relationship hadn't been much of a secret even when it _was _a secret, but now, even though it was out in the open…Lilly shuddered at the idea of her boss knowing that her former partner, current colleague, was in her bed at that very moment.

"His phone's off, Lil," Stillman replied, his tone laden with significance, and with that, Lilly knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Boss knew exactly where Scotty was. Scotty usually turned his phone off the nights he stayed over; he reasoned that anyone from work would know to call Lilly's phone, and anyone else could leave a message.

"Got it, Boss," Lilly rejoined with a sheepish smile, glad he couldn't see her blushing. "I'll see you in a few."

She flipped her phone closed and crept back into the bedroom, where Scotty's eyes were just beginning to flutter open. Lilly crawled into bed and greeted him with a kiss.

"Mornin', beautiful," Scotty replied with a smile. "You're up early."

"Got a new case this morning," she told him. "You want in?"

Scotty scrubbed the sleep from his eyes. "You goin' in?" he asked her, knowing as soon as the words left his lips that the question was entirely unnecessary.

"Thought I might," she answered lightly, her eyes twinkling with eagerness despite her best efforts to hide it.

"Then I'm in," he agreed with a grin. "What else am I gonna do all day if you ain't here?"

Within half an hour, all the detectives were assembled in the squad room, most blinking blearily, and chugging coffee, still recovering from their late night, and Stillman was briefing them on their victim, a thirty-four-year-old woman found murdered in 2004. The case had gone cold immediately, but a recently-discovered e-mail from a discarded computer had begun to shed new light on the subject.

The day flew by, and, as she'd hoped, Lilly had quickly become far too engrossed in the case to even think about Scotty's family. Dinner had been Chinese take-out eaten perched at their cluster of desks, and she and Scotty had finished the day too exhausted to think about anything but going back to her place and sinking into her bed. _Mission accomplished, _she'd congratulated herself as she'd snuggled up to Scotty that night. She'd been asleep before her head had even hit the pillow.

* * *

The next afternoon, Lilly heard the front door creak open long before she was ready. Oh, physically, she was ready, wearing her favorite skirt and an indigo blouse that made her eyes look even bluer than usual, but emotionally, she was far from prepared. She was meeting. Scotty's. Parents. Despite the fact that she knew it was time, despite how much she knew it meant to Scotty, despite her curiosity to meet the people who'd raised her boyfriend…she just couldn't shake the fear.

As she slipped in her earrings, she heard Scotty climb the stairs, then saw him in the mirror behind her, and he took her breath away. They were at work so much that she saw him in casual clothes only rarely, and the effect was never less than stunning. The jeans, the black button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up…she silently cursed his familial obligations and wished they could just spend the evening in bed.

She could tell from the look in Scotty's eyes that he was thinking the same thing. He crept up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You look amazin'," he told her.

"You're not so bad yourself," she replied lightly, then turned to him, and he could see the fear pricking the affected confidence in her sapphire eyes.

"They won't miss us at your grandma's birthday, will they?" she inquired teasingly, her fingers lightly skimming over Scotty's broad shoulders and then tracing the line of buttons down the front of his shirt.

Scotty grinned and gently grasped her wrists. "My grandma only turns ninety once, Lil," he replied, "and she'll know if I ain't there."

"Will they know if I'm not?" Lilly asked, arching a brow.

Scotty shrugged, but Lilly could tell by the look in his eyes that the nonchalance was all an act. "Some of 'em will," he replied slowly.

"Who?" Lilly pressed. "Who will?"

"Well, my mom, for starters," he replied. "And Mike's known about you for a while."

"Oh, God…your—your _mom_ knows?" Lilly asked, not sure why this particular idea was causing her to panic. _Get a grip, Rush,_ she told herself firmly. _Even if the woman didn't know before, she's about to. It's not like you've got anything to be ashamed of._

"Of course she knows," Scotty replied defensively. "But…only 'cause she ran into Rosalia the other day, and…I guess Ro kinda figured I'd already told everybody about you."

Lilly couldn't help but smile as they headed down the stairs. Rosalia, Elisa's cousin, who was the closest thing Scotty had to a sister. In the intervening months, Lilly had found herself occasionally carving out some time for coffee with Rosalia. She'd played an instrumental part in getting them back together, and Lilly would be forever grateful.

"So…Rosalia told your mom, huh?" Lilly asked as she locked the front door behind her.

"Yeah," Scotty replied, grinning sheepishly. "So, like, half of Friday night's phone call was my mom's standard 'eighteen hours of labor with an eight-and-a-half pound baby' guilt trip."

Lilly giggled. "I think…I might like your mom," she declared, ordering her nerves to take a hike and praying that they'd listen.

"Good," Scotty replied firmly, opening Lilly's car door for her. "It's gonna be great," he reassured her, before shutting her door and heading around the car to the other side.

Lilly took a deep, shaky breath. Meeting the parents. And the grandmother. And, apparently, the brother. She could do this. She'd stared down serial killers, she'd gone face-to-face with the most hideous forms of evil countless times and won. She. Could. Do. This.

Scotty's door opened, and Lilly instantly arranged her face into what she hoped was a bright, confident smile, but one look at Scotty as he slid into the driver's seat told him he'd seen right through her act. He started the car, shot her a reassuring grin, and pulled away from the curb.

"It's gonna be great, Lil," he reiterated.

"Uh-huh," Lilly nodded.

Scotty glanced at her with concern. "You've done this before, haven't you? The whole…Meet The Parents thing…?"

Lilly sighed. "No," she admitted quietly.

"You haven't?" Scotty repeated incredulously.

"I don't do families," Lilly informed him flatly. "Mine is so…well…_mine_…"

"That's _your_ family, Lil," Scotty argued. "But, y'know, meetin' guys' families…you were engaged before. How the hell did you agree to marry some guy without meetin' his family?"

Lilly sighed. "Patrick's parents died in a car wreck when he was twelve, and he was raised by a grandmother who he didn't get along with, so there really wasn't a family for me to meet," she explained matter-of-factly. "And Ray's dad took off before Ray was even born, and his mom was too busy drinking and partying to pay much attention to him."

Scotty blinked in surprise. He'd thought for sure Lilly's two serious relationships, at least, the two that he knew about, would have resulted in meeting the parents at least once. Not that he had much experience with it himself, having met Elisa's parents at such a young age that they thought of him as a son before he even had a driver's license.

"Okay," he continued, undeterred. "What about, like, prom dates or somethin'?"

Lilly looked at him with a wry smile. "Scotty, in high school, I was the girl with the pink hair and the combat boots. I beat up kids who went to the prom."

Scotty glanced at Lilly with both surprise and alarm. They'd never really talked about their lives in high school, and he hadn't given much thought to what Lilly would have been like back then.

"Pink hair, huh?" he asked, arching a brow.

"For a while," Lilly replied dismissively. She glanced over at her boyfriend. "You're trying to picture it, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Scotty admitted with a shrug. "Are we talkin', like, light girly pink, or like, so bright you'll hurt your eyes pink?"

Lilly cast him a withering glance. "What do you think?" she asked.

"Good thing I'm wearin' sunglasses," he replied.

"Definitely," Lilly confirmed, stealing a glance in his direction and taking in the way those sunglasses perfectly accentuated the contours of his face.

He studied her again, his eyes roving over her gentle curves, then higher, to her delicate features. "Y'know, pink hair might be pretty hot," he mused teasingly.

"Forget it, Valens," Lilly retorted. "Those days are over."

"Oh, well," Scotty replied in mock disappointment. "What about the combat boots? You still got those?"

Lilly couldn't help but giggle despite her nerves, then turned the tables on Scotty. "So…you must have been one of those prom kids, you and Elisa," she said matter-of-factly.

Scotty's grin faded somewhat. "Maybe," he shrugged.

Lilly studied him, and suddenly realized the truth. "You were the freakin' Prom King, weren't you," she said, more of a statement than a question.

"No," Scotty answered uncertainly.

"Liar," Lilly retorted with a grin.

Scotty turned to smile at her, almost sheepishly. "Okay, fine, I was…senior year. But that was 'cause of Elisa. It didn't have anything to do with me. I didn't even wanna go to prom," he insisted.

"Uh-huh," Lilly returned, her tone indicating her disbelief.

Scotty shot Lilly a sly glance. "So, what, are you gonna beat me up now?" he asked her teasingly.

"Maybe," she returned, flashing a dazzling smile.

"Well, it's gonna have to wait," Scotty replied easily, as the car glided to a halt outside a block of row houses, "'cause we're here."

Lilly's smile faded instantly, and she found herself suddenly short of breath. _Oh, God. Oh, God. _Her brain attempted to get a firm grip on the situation. _Don't panic, Rush. You can do this. You can DO this._

"They're gonna love you, Lil," Scotty reassured her softly, taking her hand in his, "'cause I do."

Lilly smiled at him. For Scotty, for this man who somehow had stolen her heart, she'd try. "Okay," she replied, with far more confidence than she felt. "Let's get this over with."

Scotty chuckled. "That's the spirit," he remarked, then eased his way out of the car.

* * *

They didn't say a word as they walked up the sidewalk toward the Valens' townhouse. The neighborhood was quiet, only a few people out and about, with just the faintest strains of some cheerful music floating through the air from an undetermined source. But as they walked hand in hand closer and closer to the front door, the music grew louder, and when Scotty squeezed Lilly's hand, took off his sunglasses, and reached out to ring the doorbell, she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the lively, pulsating beat was coming from inside that very house. She glanced at Scotty curiously and he grinned back at her. Lilly wasn't sure what to expect, but she'd figured that a birthday party for a ninety-year-old would be on the sedate side. She realized, from the music she heard inside, that, perhaps, she'd misjudged things a bit.

She was attempting to process this when the door flung open. Lilly didn't immediately see anyone, and then her eyes traveled downward to see an adorably dimpled little boy of about five, a boy who, Lilly imagined, would look something like Scotty when he grew up, and whose face lit up like a Christmas tree when he saw them.

"Uncle Scotty!" the boy cried in delight, and Lilly could only watch in amazement as he practically leaped into Scotty's arms, implicitly trusting that his uncle would catch him, which he did almost effortlessly.

"Hey, Em," he greeted his nephew, then grunted in mock protest as he shifted the little boy onto his hip. "You get bigger and bigger every time I see you! Your mom and dad don't stop feedin' you, I ain't gonna be able to pick you up anymore."

Lilly momentarily forgot to panic as she saw the sheer joy on Scotty's face. She'd seen him look happy many times before, but this was an entirely different kind of joy, a joy that seemed to burn brightly from within and radiate its glow over his entire countenance. She instantly sensed a special bond between these two, and a flood of warmth raced through her body as she watched them embrace.

"Where's everyone else?" Scotty asked Emilio, motioning for Lilly to step inside the house.

"They're in the living room," the boy explained, then looked over at Lilly. "Who's that?" he asked cheerfully.

Scotty put his nephew down and squatted so he would be at the boy's height. "Emilio, this is somebody very special; this is Lilly. Lil, this is my nephew Emilio."

Emilio smiled up at Lilly, his eyes sparkling with a familiar mischievous glint. "Hi, Aunt Lilly," he greeted her, extending a hand in a gesture of childish politeness.

_Aunt Lilly? _Lilly glanced over at Scotty with alarm, only to find him grinning at her with that same damn mischievous spark. She shot him a glare, then turned her attention back to Emilio.

"Hi, Emilio," she said, shaking the boy's small hand. She smiled at him nervously, and then Emilio turned around in a flash and ran into the living room.

"Uncle Scotty's here!" he announced triumphantly, and Scotty threw an arm around Lilly's shoulders and escorted her into the living room, the source of the cheerful music.

She heard them before she saw them.

"Scotty!" they all cried cheerfully, in a greeting reminiscent of the one Norm Peterson always got on Cheers. Lilly's heart instantly leaped into her throat. That was far too loud a greeting for only a few people. Far too many voices raised in a cacophony of salutation. Far too many for…

…_oh, good Lord. _

Lilly rounded the corner to see the living room packed from wall to wall with smiling, celebratory faces. Her eyes widened as she swept her gaze from one corner of the room to the other, taking in the multitudes. There had to be thirty…no…_oh, dear God…_at least forty people there, of all ages and sizes, most clutching beverages at various stages of completion, and in the center of the room, nestled in an easy chair, sat a tiny, silver-haired woman with sharp black eyes who smiled broadly as Scotty entered.

Lilly took a shaky breath. What in the hell had she gotten herself into?


	4. Stranger In A Strange Land

**Disclaimer: You know the drill. The characters you've seen on the show, I don't own. The rest…they're MINE. ALL MINE!!**

* * *

**Chapter Four: Stranger In A Strange Land**

Lilly tried to swallow her rising panic and calm her frantically beating heart as Emilio scampered off around the corner and Scotty escorted her to the center of the room, where he leaned down and warmly kissed his grandmother on the cheek. The older woman greeted him cheerfully with a rippling brook of Spanish, which he returned with equal enthusiasm, and Lilly was entirely too panicked for her usual reaction to Scotty's Spanish to take effect. She could tell by the glow on his grandmother's deeply lined face that she had a special fondness for her grandson, and although Scotty had his back to Lilly, she knew from the delighted tone of his voice, despite the fact that she couldn't understand the words, that that fondness was definitely mutual.

Scotty straightened then, and held his hand out to Lilly. She tentatively took it and stepped forward with a tremulous smile. Scotty whispered in Lilly's ear a brief warning. "Abuelita doesn't speak any English…I'll translate."

Lilly shot him a glance of alarm. "You could have _told _me that," she hissed, then, without waiting for a reply, stood before Scotty's grandmother, unsure how to properly greet her. A blush crept into her cheeks as she felt forty pairs of eyes boring holes into her, although a quick glance around the room confirmed that this was largely the result of her paranoid imagination. Most of Scotty's relatives, after their boisterous greeting, had returned to their separate, largely Spanish, conversations.

Lilly smiled nervously at Scotty's grandmother. "It's…nice to meet you," she began awkwardly, glancing helplessly at Scotty. "Happy birthday," she added, as an afterthought.

Scotty quickly translated, and his grandmother's eyes twinkled merrily and her wrinkled face broke into a wide smile. As he continued speaking, Lilly heard her name, followed by the word "_novia." _Lilly swallowed hard at that. She knew, from a candlelit dinner on a warm spring night, that that meant "girlfriend." And, if Lilly had had any previous doubt, the buzz going around the room would have confirmed it. Most of the whispered conversations were in Spanish, but Lilly caught a few exclamations of surprise in English as well.

_Girlfriend? Did I hear that right?_

_Scotty…has a girlfriend? Are you sure?_

_He brought one home for once?_

_Madre de Dios…he really is moving on._

_Such a shame about Elisa, God rest her soul._

_Ah, but they look so happy._

Lilly wished that the floor of the living room would open up and swallow her whole, but she maintained her composure and continued to smile awkwardly at Scotty's grandmother. The older woman motioned for Scotty to come closer, and when he bent down, she whispered some Spanish into his ear. Her eyes sparkled when she finished, but Scotty blinked in confusion. His grandmother shot him a glance then that clearly told him to just do it, whatever it was, and Scotty shrugged and turned to Lilly with a perplexed expression on his face.

"She wants you to turn around," he explained. Lilly shot him a glance of confusion, and he just shrugged.

"I dunno, Lil," he replied, in answer to her wordless question, "but…just do it, okay? For me? _Por favor?"_ he added, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Lilly gritted her teeth and shot him another glare. She would _murder _him if he chose this night to take advantage of her weakness for Spanish. Absolutely murder him. Turning her attention from Scotty, she looked down into the eagerly glittering ebony eyes of his grandmother, realized that she really didn't have a choice, sighed in defeat, then awkwardly turned her back. A hush fell over the room, as the whispered conversations came to a sudden halt.

The silence was broken by another rapidly flowing half-whispered Spanish conversation between Scotty and his grandmother, ending with Scotty's familiar chuckle. "You can turn back around now, Lil," he told her, his voice tender with love and amusement.

_What the hell was THAT all about, Valens? _Lilly wanted to demand, but she held her tongue and settled for glancing at him quizzically.

"Abuelita just wanted you to turn around so she could see your wings, 'cause she says that as happy as I look, you must be an angel from Heaven," Scotty explained, beaming with pride.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww," the crowd of relatives chorused, as if on cue, and Lilly blushed furiously. She hated being the center of attention. Absolutely _hated_ it. And here she was, on display, the only pale blonde face in a sea of Cubans, and Scotty's grandmother had just proclaimed her an angel. Lilly herself knew that it had been years since the man she loved had been truly happy, and the fact that his beloved Abuelita could tell that _she_ was the one who'd brought that joy to Scotty's face touched Lilly deeply…but she still wanted to just crawl into a hole somewhere until she had a chance to process Scotty's definition of "family." Or, until this whole thing just went away, whichever came first.

Lilly smiled down at Scotty's grandmother, who grinned proudly and motioned for her to come closer. Cautiously, Lilly approached until she was leaning right over the older woman, who stretched up to gently grasp Lilly's face in her hands and place a kiss on her cheek. While she was still reeling from this unexpected display of affection from a woman she'd just met, Abuelita responded with another torrent of Spanish, and as Lilly straightened, Scotty's grandmother clasped both of Lilly's hands in her crepey, work-worn ones, and said something to her that, while Lilly couldn't understand most of it, she sensed that it was of great importance.

When Abuelita finished speaking, Lilly smiled at her awkwardly, then glanced up at Scotty, who was absolutely beaming at her, his eyes shining with happiness. "Abuelita says that anyone who can bring such joy to my face will always have a special place in her heart…and she says welcome to the family."

_Welcome to the…oh, dear Lord…_Lilly panicked, feeling the room beginning to spin. Fear pricked insistently at her heart and the muscles in her legs tensed as though preparing her to run for dear life, but she took a deep breath, forced herself to stay rooted to her spot, and smiled kindly at Scotty's grandmother.

"_Gracias_," Lilly replied timidly.

Abuelita beamed, Scotty grinned more broadly than she'd ever seen him, and the crowd of relatives erupted in a cheer. "_Bienvenidos a familia!" _they shouted.

"Somebody get them a drink!" a voice called from the back, and the music became louder as the crowd began to disperse and mingle around the room as best they could.

Lilly found a glass of something being thrust into her hand, and, though she wasn't quite sure what it was, she sipped it gratefully, figuring that a little alcohol couldn't hurt. The next few minutes were a whirlwind of introductions, as Scotty and Lilly found themselves bounced from relative to relative, exchanging handshakes, hugs, and more kisses than Lilly had had in…well…ever, probably. She didn't remember many names, especially when they reached the cluster of Scotty's female cousins, who all had remarkably similar facial features, and who all seemed to talk at once.

One of the cousins, whose name Lilly couldn't quite catch, tenderly cradled a newborn. She and Scotty chattered in Spanish for a moment, and then, to Lilly's amazement, the cousin handed the baby girl to Scotty, who held her gently in one arm as he stroked her cheek with a finger of other. Lilly stood, absolutely mesmerized, as Scotty murmured softly to the newborn, his face radiant with love and amazement. To her horror, Lilly felt a strange stirring in her heart swirling around with the ever-increasing panic. Oh, Scotty could protest that he was fine with things the way they were all he wanted, but one glance at the joy on her boyfriend's face belied months' worth of protests. But that stirring…Lilly couldn't quite put her finger on it, and the more she tried, the more apprehensive she became. She was relieved when Scotty planted a gentle kiss on the infant's forehead and handed her back to her mother.

Pausing momentarily, Lilly was taking a healthy sip of whatever delicious drink they'd given her when she heard a surprised grunt from her boyfriend and lowered her glass to see Scotty suddenly enveloped in a bear hug so ferociously affectionate that he was actually lifted off the ground. Lilly chuckled despite herself at Scotty's protests, and finally, the larger man lowered Scotty back down to the floor.

"Lil, this is my cousin Eduardo," Scotty said by way of introduction as he exaggeratedly smoothed his shirt and glared at Eduardo in mock indignation. "He's kinda the jokester of the family."

Lilly found herself in the meaty arms of a burly, exuberant man with dark eyes that twinkled with even more mischief than Scotty's, and Lilly hadn't thought that was possible. He kissed her cheek, lingering a wee bit longer than Lilly would have liked, then turned to her with a serious expression on his face.

"Y'know, I didn't think Scotty'd ever bring anybody home again," he began. "We were all beginnin' to wonder if maybe he was gay."

Lilly giggled nervously, but Eduardo wasn't quite finished yet. "I mean, he brings home girl after girl after girl after girl, and we were sure that swimsuit model was the one, and then all of a sudden…nada. 'Cept for this one guy he claimed was just a friend…Nick somethin'? Fat, grouchy, white guy?" Eduardo's eyes sparkled teasingly as he took another sip of his drink.

"Oh, don't worry," he added, in response to Lilly's wide-eyed stare. "You're _much_ hotter."

"Lies….all lies," Scotty insisted, glancing in alarm at Lilly, who had turned even paler than usual. "There was never a swimsuit model. He's makin' it all up."

"So you're sayin' that Nick what's-his-name is hotter than this _unbelievable_ blonde?" Eduardo asked, arching his brows in mock amazement and gesturing toward Lilly with his drink. "Maybe you are gay after all."

The wheels in Lilly's head were beginning to turn, and she became suddenly, disturbingly sure that the Nick in question was, somehow, none other than Nick Vera.

"When the hell did _Vera _meet your family?" she hissed, turning to Scotty.

Scotty grinned, and socked Eduardo in the arm. "Me and Nicky were doin' an interview at a bar one night last year and Eduardo came in with a buncha my cousins. And…don't mind Eduardo. His…insufferable obnoxiousness comes from the fact that his dad's Italian."

"_My _insufferable obnoxiousness?" Eduardo repeated in mock disbelief, clear by both his tone and his expression that this was an ongoing inside joke. "So, what…does the Puerto Rican side of you explain yours?"

"Looks to me like it comes from the Cuban side," Lilly remarked cheerfully, then glanced down at her drink in surprise, as though that would explain where her comment had just come from. What in the world had they put in that drink, anyway?

Scotty blinked in surprise, and Eduardo burst out in a hearty belly laugh. He pointed to Lilly with his drink. "Now, you…you, I like," he declared. "Think that deserves another kiss."

He leaned down, but before Lilly could speak or respond in any way, she found herself being pulled toward another group of relatives.

"Nice to meet you," Lilly called over her shoulder, as Scotty directed her toward a cluster of guys lounging in the corner, smoking cigars, and making excellent progress on their drinks.

As Scotty introduced her to still more cousins…how many cousins was it possible for one man to have? she wondered idly…Lilly was struck by the fact that every last one of them was nearly impossibly good-looking. Every man in the group had the same dimples, the same cocky grin that Scotty had, and one of them, though his clothing was completely different than what Scotty usually wore, was nearly a spitting image of her boyfriend. This, she learned, was yet another cousin, whom everyone referred to as Armadillo, for some reason Lilly couldn't even begin to fathom. He stood up to shake her hand, then looked her up and down, unabashedly undressing her with his eyes. Smirking arrogantly, he asked, "How _you _doin'?"

Lilly was taken aback. It was like being hit on by Scotty, if he were ten years younger, a whole lot less mature, and had taken flirting lessons from Joey Tribbiani. She glanced over at Scotty, amused, yet slightly disturbed, by the attention, and found him glaring daggers at Armadillo.

"Back off, pal," Scotty warned, causing the other guys in the circle to chuckle warmly. "She's taken."

"Dammit," Armadillo said with a nearly identical glare, then sat back down and was soon deep in conversation with another cousin, Rafael, whose wavy brown hair skimmed his broad shoulders and whose dark eyes bore the same intensity Scotty's did. He smiled and lifted his glass to Lilly in greeting, and then Lilly found herself being introduced to Scotty's brother, Mike. He greeted Lilly warmly with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which Lilly was beginning to realize was standard operating procedure for this very large, very affectionate family, and as they pulled apart and made small talk, Lilly studied Mike's face, drawn instantly to his haunting hazel eyes. She knew in a flash that Mike was still dealing with the scars of his childhood abuse, as the shadows in his eyes spoke of long-ago wounds, wounds that Lilly herself knew all too well. She and Mike exchanged a glance, and even though they smiled on the surface, they shared a world of pain, and in that one glance, they both knew they shared an instant bond that few others would know.

After meeting Mike, Lilly looked around, and when she realized that she had finally, _finally _met everyone in the room, she breathed an enormous sigh of relief, took another grateful sip of whatever she was drinking, and leaned against the doorframe, almost deliriously thankful that the introductions, at least, were over. She'd have to spend the evening with these people, she knew, but introductions were always her least favorite part of any gathering. Lilly closed her eyes and held the cool glass to her forehead, sighing again with the momentary relief. The room really was suffocatingly warm, with all these people.

"Where's Dad and Ma?" she heard Scotty ask, and as she saw him glance around the room, Lilly was awash in a new flood of panic. She'd met nearly forty people, and she realized, as she frantically searched her memory, that none of them, absolutely _none _of them, had been introduced as Ma or as Dad. They were all Aunt this, or Uncle that, or Cousin whoever, and her mind whirled with the realization that, after nearly an hour of being bounced around the room like a freakin' pinball, trying desperately to connect names with faces and remember how all of them were related to Scotty, _none _of them were the people she'd thought she was coming to meet.

"Ma's in the kitchen with Allie," she heard Mike tell Scotty, "And Dad's grillin' in the back. Everyone else is out there, too."

Lilly's eyes widened in fright. Everyone else? _Everyone else? _After an hour of meeting relatives, there were still _more_ for her to meet? Dear _God. _She began to take deep breaths, trying to calm herself. _Get a grip, Rush. You've met this many, what's forty or fifty more, right? _

Scotty grinned over at Lilly and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Good thing this is just my dad's side, huh?"

Lilly's eyes widened in horror, but Scotty didn't seem to notice.

"You ready to go meet my mom?" he asked, but Lilly was mercifully saved from having to answer by a stream of shrieking children who thundered into the room and wrapped themselves around Scotty's legs. They all greeted him enthusiastically, and Lilly, grateful to finally not be the center of attention, was returned to her far more comfortable role as observer. She watched the children, saw the joy on their faces as they greeted their beloved Scotty, but even more heartwarming than this was the fact that the happiest person in that little cluster was Scotty himself. His face almost glowed with joy and love as he hugged and kissed each child, and Lilly felt her heart swell with adoration for her, apparently, extremely popular boyfriend.

Her happiness was short-lived, though, as Lilly realized, with a knot of dread in the pit of her stomach, that Scotty was being dragged up the stairs by this gang of exuberant little Valenses, Emilio leading the charge. She thought she heard one of them say something about Hide and Seek, and the next thing she knew, Scotty was calling an apology to her over his shoulder and promising to be back as soon as he possibly could. He then turned back to the kids, grinned at them mischievously, and suddenly began chasing them up the stairs, growling with mock ferocity and eliciting delighted shrieks from his smallest relatives. As they rounded the corner, Lilly realized, with a sinking heart, that her boyfriend had just abandoned her to the wolves without so much as a second thought.

Lilly rested her head against the doorframe and closed her eyes again, content that none of Scotty's relatives seemed to notice that she was alone, and sipped once more from her glass. She could do this. She _was _doing this. Only a few more hours, and then she could sink gratefully into her bed with her cats and try to forget that any of this had ever happened.

Only she knew she couldn't dupe herself, she couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened. It _was _happening. To her. She was in the midst of her boyfriend's enormous family, being welcomed with open arms…and she was absolutely terrified. Lilly sipped again from her drink, hoping desperately that Scotty, whenever he returned, wouldn't be able to read in her eyes how frightened she was. She'd seen the joy on his face the whole time they'd been here, and she knew without him even having to say anything how much it meant to him to have her here. And…she'd get used to this, she was sure of it. She just needed some time to process. Time away from here. Time alone with Scotty. Time alone…even without Scotty. Just…_time._

Suddenly, Lilly was aware that she was no longer alone, as the nearly overwhelming scent of way, way too much cologne made her eyes burn. She opened them to discover Scotty's cousin Armadillo leaning his arm next to her on the doorframe. He really did look quite a bit like Scotty, what with that cocky grin and those dimples, only something about this particular version of Scotty made her skin crawl. He wasn't looking at her with love and tender adoration, he was looking at her like…well, like a piece of meat, if she were to be honest. She knew how to handle this with suspects, but she wasn't at all sure how to handle it when it came from one of Scotty's relatives.

"Kinda warm in here, ain't it," Armadillo began, unbuttoning the top couple buttons of his shirt and looking Lilly over everywhere but into her eyes.

She didn't reply, just drank what proved to be, to her chagrin, the final available drop of her beverage, and hoped to God he'd go away.

But, of course, he didn't. "So…are you and Scotty…exclusive?" he asked flirtatiously, with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Yes," Lilly replied firmly, "very."

"Damn shame," Armadillo pouted, tracing a finger of his free hand up Lilly's arm. "Cause if he weren't my cousin, I'd totally…"

"Armadillo, for God's sake," Lilly heard a voice proclaim from behind her, and she turned to see Mike glaring fiercely at his cousin. Her knees nearly buckled with relief.

"Go find something else to do," Mike ordered, making a shooing motion with his hand.

"But…she's the only good lookin' one here that ain't related," Armadillo protested.

"I don't care," Mike retorted. "He's your _blood, _for cryin' out loud. Leave his girlfriend alone. "

Armadillo tossed Lilly one more flirtatious glance before mercifully departing, and Mike handed Lilly a fresh drink and escorted her over to the sofa. "Sorry about that," he said shyly. "Y'know all those Latino stereotypes?"

Lilly nodded, and Mike continued with a grin. "Well, Armadillo got, like, all that genetic material. The rest of us are harmless. Swear to God."

Lilly laughed with genuine relief, and she soon found herself having an actual conversation with Mike. She was surprised when he brought up the Coach Fitz case, but the fact that they were talking about that allowed Lilly to slip into cop mode, and though she knew the incident was difficult for Mike to talk about, that it still haunted him, she was eternally grateful to him for allowing her back into her comfort zone, if only briefly. Coach Fitz had been found guilty after merely an hour of deliberation, he told her, and sentencing was coming up soon. ADA Thomas was going to recommend the maximum, and Mike said that she could be very persuasive, so he was confident that Coach Fitz wouldn't see the light of day for a very, very long time.

They soon moved on to other topics, joined after a few minutes by Mike's wife, Allie, and their toddler daughter, Eva, who was too young to join the other children in their cavorting. Lilly found her panic receding slightly as she made small talk with Scotty's brother and sister-in-law, but she was still uncomfortable enough that she kept sipping her drink and glancing nervously toward the stairway, wondering what in God's name was taking Scotty so long.

As if on cue, she soon heard the thundering of what sounded like hundreds of tiny feet, but was really only fifteen or twenty pairs, and the kids were all giggling with joyous childish laughter. Lilly sighed with relief. With the return of the children, she knew Scotty couldn't be far behind, and she relished the prospect of her boyfriend coming up behind her, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and perhaps joining in the conversation with Mike and Allie. She found herself…almost…looking forward to it.

But Scotty didn't appear, and the room grew increasingly more crowded as people began streaming in from the kitchen and the backyard. It seemed that the dinner preparations were nearing completion, and Lilly suddenly found herself being bounced from relative to relative again, kissed on the cheek repeatedly, and proclaimed angelically beautiful by more than one family member, this time, without even the benefit of having Scotty beside her. She found herself explaining again and again how she knew Scotty, conveniently leaving out the drunken hook-up aspect of their relationship, and with each relative, with each introduction, with each kiss, the panic rose within her like a flood. Where there had been almost forty people, there were now, she'd guessed, close to seventy in a room that seemed smaller and more suffocating with each passing second. There was barely room to turn around, and with relatives pressing in on all sides and Scotty nowhere to be seen, Lilly found her heart racing faster and faster and felt a trickle of sweat diving down her back. She had to get out of there. She had to escape.

Lilly finally found Allie again and quietly asked her where the bathroom was. Upon being directed upstairs, Lilly hurried up, her breathing more and more rapid by the moment. She was on the verge of a full-fledged panic attack, and she hurried into the bathroom, closed the door, and leaned against the back of it, her eyes wide with fright, trying to catch her breath. It wasn't that bad, she tried to reassure herself. They were very nice, there were just a lot of them. They all loved Scotty, and she loved Scotty, so they had something very, very important in common, but there were just…so many of them. So, so many…

Lilly ran some cold water and splashed it on her burning skin gratefully, and soon her heartbeat had slowed and her breathing had returned to normal. She could do this, she reminded herself firmly. All she had to do was find Scotty, and find out why the hell he'd abandoned her to that pack of barracudas he called his family. At this realization, she found her panic replaced by the twin fires of anger and grim determination, and she hit on the perfect solution. Instead of going back downstairs and dealing with his relatives again, she'd find that smirking bastard herself and demand an explanation.

Decision made, Lilly patted her face dry, squared her jaw, and exited the bathroom. She knew Scotty hadn't come downstairs with the rest of the children, and she hadn't heard any footsteps in the hallway since she'd been upstairs, so she knew he had to still be up there _somewhere_. There were only four rooms on the second floor, and one of them was the bathroom, so that left three. She knocked tentatively on the door of one, then flung it open to find no one there. This was clearly his parents' room, as evidenced by the plethora of family pictures on the wall and the queen-sized bed covered with homey looking blankets. She supposed, had she not been so livid, that she would have been insanely curious about those family portraits, but now, she was on a mission.

She closed that door, crossed the hall, and opened another one. This one was decorated in the most brilliant colors Lilly had ever seen used in a bedroom, and the walker parked next to the bed indicated that this must be Scotty's grandmother's room. She hadn't known that his grandmother had lived with them, but, then, she hadn't known a lot about Scotty's family. Lilly was now beginning to see why.

That left one door. "Scotty?" she called when she reached it, her voice sharp and edged with irritation.

"Lil," she heard a familiar voice call on the other side of the door, and she felt a surge of fury at the sound. Flinging the door open, she stormed into the room and slammed the door behind her.

"What the hell, Valens?" she exploded, too angry to even look at him. "You get to hide out up here by yourself while I'm down there with those damn barracudas? I mean…_God_, Scotty! Your cousin Armadillo looked me up and down like I was a piece of meat, and one of your aunts told me I had good birthing hips! She thinks we'll have twins, Scotty. _Twins! _And I'm down there dealing with that while you're up here _hiding? _Really, Scotty? You have the nerve to _abandon _your girlfriend to your hundreds and hundreds of loud, kissy relatives while you get to sneak up here and have some peace and quiet? You better have a _damn_ good explanation for this, or you will never see me naked again," she threatened icily.

"You finished?" Scotty asked quietly, a trace of amusement in his voice.

"Yes," she replied after a moment's consideration, folding her arms across her chest and glaring out the window.

"Well, if you wanna turn around, you'll see how come I've been up here so long," he answered, and Lilly whirled to face him.

What she saw made her anger evaporate almost instantly. Scotty Valens, one of the toughest, strongest, most aggressive cops she'd ever met…had been tied to an armchair. Loops of what looked like--oh, dear God, were those _jump _ropes?--bound Scotty to the chair that sat in the corner, and she knew just by looking that, somehow, he'd been rendered completely helpless.

Lilly stared at him in utter disbelief for a moment, and at the subtle shrug and sheepish, lopsided grin he gave her, she burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggling. Tears of laughter began to stream down her face, and she held onto the rail of the bunk beds for support, completely unable to speak.

Scotty sat, amazed, at the change in his girlfriend's demeanor. He'd patiently waited for her to finish her rant, mentally kicking himself for letting his smaller relatives overpower him in what he'd thought was a game of Hide and Seek, but what had rapidly degenerated into a game of Let's Tie Up Uncle Scotty. He'd assumed they'd come back for him, but seconds had stretched into minutes, and when the giggling outside the door had quieted and he'd heard the thundering of footsteps down the stairs, he knew he could be sitting there for quite some time. He wasn't too worried, though. He figured someone would notice his absence eventually, and the fact that Lilly had waited until now to come looking for him told him she'd been having such a good time with his family that she hadn't really missed him, and that was fine with him. There were a lot of them, he knew, but they all loved each other fiercely, and he knew they all loved Lilly already, as he'd known they would, and once she saw that, he knew she'd take to them like a duck to water. The fact that her anger had dissolved into peals of laughter warmed his heart, and her giggles were contagious. He soon found himself laughing right along with her.

"_God_, Scotty," Lilly managed. "What the hell kinda cop lets himself get tied up by _children?"_

"The kinda cop who's got a hyperactive nephew and fourteen second cousins," he retorted, suddenly not finding the situation nearly as humorous as she did. At his answer, Lilly's laughter only increased.

"What?" Scotty demanded defensively. "I was outnumbered."

"I'm sure you were," Lilly gasped between giggles, then approached him, testing the ropes.

"They got you in here good, Valens," she observed, wiping the tears from her face as her laughter died down to only an occasional chuckle.

"Yeah, I noticed," Scotty replied drily. "You wanna untie me now, or what?"

"I dunno, Scotty," Lilly answered teasingly, walking slowly in the opposite direction. "The longer you're tied up, the longer I get to stay in here, and the longer we're in here, the less time we have to spend down there with your thousands of relatives, being told that we'll have the most adorable children the Valens family has ever seen."

"They're right about that, y'know," Scotty ventured hopefully, but Lilly ignored him and started to explore the room. She noticed the bunk beds, still neatly made up with matching plaid comforters, noticed the plethora of sports trophies and baseball posters above one desk, while the other was decorated with fewer sports trophies, but more academic certificates, astronomy posters, and a telescope, still pointed up at the western sky.

"This your old room?" she asked, glancing out the window at the brick street below. In her mind's eye, she saw a scrawny, messy-haired boy protesting that it wasn't quite dark yet, and couldn't he stay out a few more minutes, please please _please? _Her heart warmed at the thought.

"Good work, Detective," Scotty congratulated her, with just a touch of sarcasm. "Now, you wanna get me outta here?"

Lilly turned, met Scotty's eyes, and slowly sauntered back in his direction, the sway of her hips and her long, shapely legs mesmerizing him. Lil should definitely wear skirts more often, he decided, and as she approached him and lowered herself toward him, he suddenly realized that, perhaps, staying up here wouldn't be so bad…

She leaned down over him, suddenly keenly aware of his helpless position as she braced her arms on either side of him. Her hair brushed against his shoulders, and the flowery smell of her shampoo and the intoxicating scent of her skin was starting to make Scotty's head spin.

"I dunno," she said huskily, clear by her tone of voice that she was having the same ideas he was. "You, tied up? This could fun." Impulsively, she leaned down and started trailing slow, deliberate kisses up the side of his neck.

Scotty's eyes fell closed. "Oh, God, Lil," he breathed, then hissed sharply when her lips landed on that spot behind his ear, that magical spot that made the room whirl around and everything else disappear in a wave of pleasure. Her tongue began to trace slow circles, and he moaned softly and clung to the arms of the chair.

"I'm beginning to see lots of advantages to having you completely powerless," she purred seductively into his ear, and then pulled away, giggling at the glint of frustration in his eyes as he strained against the ropes to try and touch her.

"C'mon, Lil, untie me," he urged, his voice sounding strangled with desire.

"I don't think so," Lilly replied, still laughing softly as she leaned in to gently torture the same spot behind his other ear.

It was at that exact moment that the door swung open and a softly accented voice called out.

"My son, who never calls, has been avoiding me the entire night, and not only that, he doesn't even introduce me to his girlfriend! I'm in the kitchen all day, and I gotta hear how happy my baby is from Great-Aunt Isobel, and--_ay, madre de Dios!" _came the exclamation as a short, pleasantly plump woman with silver-streaked, jet-black hair opened the door all the way and saw a gorgeous blonde leaning over her younger son, who was tied to a chair.

Lilly jumped back, her heart in her throat, as Scotty glanced up and relayed the inevitable truth.

"Hi, Ma," he greeted her with a sheepish grin.

"Oh, God," Lilly croaked.


	5. The Other Side Of The World

**Disclaimer: The characters you haven't seen on the show are mine. Now if they could just convince the ones you have seen...**

**Chapter Five: The Other Side Of The World**

* * *

Lilly could only stand rooted to her spot and stare helplessly, a fiery crimson blush creeping into her cheeks, as Scotty glanced nervously from her to his mother and hastily tried to explain.

"This…ain't even close to what it looks like," he began, making as much eye contact with his mother as he could from his unenviable position.

"_De verdad?" _Mrs. Valens asked, folding her arms across her chest, shifting her weight to one hip, and studying Scotty with one of the most scrutinizing gazes Lilly had ever encountered.

"Because what it looks like…" she continued, "…is that you let the children tie you up again."

_Again? As in…this happens on some kind of a regular basis? _Lilly didn't know whether to giggle hysterically or sob with relief.

"Oh," Scotty replied uncomfortably, a faint blush beginning to color his cheeks as well. "Well…then…yeah. It's exactly what it looks like."

Mrs. Valens' gaze sharpened as she continued to inspect her son. "What, pray tell, did you _think _I would think it looks like?" she demanded.

Scotty glanced up at his mother for a moment, and then Lilly could only watch in amazement as he arranged his features into one of the most convincing innocent faces she'd ever seen.

"Have I told you you look even more beautiful than usual, tonight, Ma?" Scotty asked, deftly dodging the question. Mrs. Valens glared at Scotty for a moment longer, then relaxed her gaze, rolled her eyes, and sighed.

"My son is completely useless," she declared as she turned to Lilly, her eyes suddenly sparkling with amusement. Those warm chocolate eyes, fringed with long, dark lashes, were gentle, kind, and suddenly very, very familiar. _So that's where he gets them_, Lilly mused as Scotty's mother moved toward her.

"You must be the Lilly Rush I've heard so much about," Mrs. Valens said, grinning broadly.

Lilly smiled shyly and extended her hand, but was instead enveloped in a tight, fragrant hug from the shorter woman, who stretched up to kiss Lilly's cheeks. "I must say, this is a surprise," she began. "Scotty hasn't brought a girl home to meet his mother since Reagan was president."

_Since Reagan was…? Oh, dear God, _Lilly realized, as she did some quick mental calculations and realized that the last girl Scotty had brought home…

…had been Elisa.

At this further piece of evidence of Scotty's feelings for her, Lilly's eyes widened as she felt the twin flames of delight and panic, but Scotty and his mother seemed oblivious.

"It's…nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Valens," Lilly finally replied.

Scotty's mother waved a hand through the air and smiled kindly at Lilly. "_Por favor_…call me Anita." She rolled her eyes slightly with a self-deprecating grin. "Mrs. Valens makes me sound old."

Over his mother's shoulder, Lilly could see the mischief sparkling in Scotty's eyes, and he opened his mouth to say something, but, without even turning around, Anita shushed him with a raised index finger.

"Don't even think about it, _m'ijo,_" she ordered him softly, but firmly. "You're not exactly in a position to be giving your mother trouble_." _

With a smile, Anita placed her arm around Lilly's waist. "This boy of mine…_ay, Dios_ _mio_."

"Aw, c'mon, Ma," Scotty protested with a grin. "I was an angel, and you know it."

"Uh-huh," Lilly responded.

Anita laughed softly, then, her dark eyes glittering with that familiar mischievous twinkle, pulled on a silvery strand of hair that had escaped from its bun.

"This gray hair right here?" she began. "This one was when they caught Mike smoking in the boys' room in high school," she explained, then grinned more widely and pointed a finger at Scotty. "The rest? They come from _him."_

Lilly giggled as Scotty rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ma," he grumbled good-naturedly. "I know you worry about me."

_Worrying…so he gets that from his mother, too…_Lilly realized.

"My baby's a cop," Anita explained with a shrug. "Worrying's in my blood."

Lilly chuckled slightly, and Anita turned to her and continued. "Well, you must know…waiting up nights, praying to the saints he's safe…"

"Actually…I'm a cop, too," Lilly said softly.

"You _are?_" Anita asked in amazement, her eyes sweeping over Lilly in an evaluation that, although not unkind, was very thorough.

"Homicide, same as me," Scotty piped up proudly. "That's how we met."

"_Madre de Dios," _Anita exclaimed as she crossed herself again. "Now I have _two _names to listen for on the evening news."

Lilly chuckled slightly, while Scotty sighed and rolled his eyes once more. "Y'know, it's great that you two are…bondin'…and all…but does somebody wanna…maybe…untie me?" he asked hopefully.

Lilly and Anita exchanged a glance, and then Anita headed for the doorway. "Emilio!" she called out.

"Yeah?" they heard a childish voice reply.

"Did you tie up your uncle again?" Anita called back down the stairs, and Lilly suppressed a giggle.

"Yes_, Abuelita,_" they heard him answer, somewhat remorsefully, followed immediately by laughter from the adults gathered in the living room.

"Well, you and whoever helped you better get up here and untie him, or there'll be no guava turnovers for you tonight!" she threatened, then turned to face Scotty and Lilly. "That'll get 'em up here quick," she explained.

A wide smile lit up Scotty's face as he met his mother's eyes. "You made 'em?"

"Of course I did, _m'ijo_," she replied with a smile. "I knew you were coming home. I must have made at least ten batches," she added.

"Well, that's great, Ma," Scotty enthused, "but what's everyone else gonna eat for dessert?"

Anita rolled her eyes heavenward and tousled Scotty's hair. "This boy of mine and those guava turnovers…" she trailed off, grinned at her son, then politely excused herself and headed back down the stairs to finish dinner.

"Oh, thank God," Lilly breathed in relief as she collapsed into Scotty's rope-adorned lap.

"You okay?" Scotty asked.

"I was pretty sure your mother was gonna think I'm a whore," Lilly answered, grinning at him.

Scotty chuckled. "Well, this ain't the first time Ma's caught me in my room with a girl, y'know," he replied.

"Apparently it's not the first time she's caught you in here tied to a chair, either," Lilly retorted. "What's _that _about?"

"It's the kids," Scotty answered sheepishly. "When Emilio was three, I think, I let him play with my handcuffs, and the next thing I know, I'm cuffed to the dinin' room table, and he's run off with the key."

Lilly burst into a fit of laughter. "And you still trust this child?"

Scotty laughed along with her. "Well, I sure as hell don't let him play with my handcuffs anymore," he replied. "Guess I thought I could trust him with ropes."

Lilly's laughter only increased. "You don't trust _anybody _in the interview room…and yet that dimpled little five-year-old has you tied a chair," she giggled.

"Hey, the boy's got the makings of a great cop," Scotty retorted.

"Helluva lot better than you, Valens," Lilly confirmed, and Scotty glared at her with mock indignation. Leaning forward as far as he could, he growled a low warning into Lilly's ear.

"You...are gonna pay for that later," he threatened, his eyes suddenly smoldering.

Lilly turned toward him, the mere suggestion of whatever he planned to do to her later that night sending shivers of desire skittering through her veins. She opened her mouth to reply, but thought better of it and quickly jumped off Scotty's lap when she heard the thundering footsteps of what sounded like an obscene amount of children hurrying up the stairs. They burst into the room, chattering in both English and Spanish, and, in a matter of minutes, had Scotty untied. He thanked them, smiled mischievously in Lilly's direction, and then, with no warning at all, growled at the children again and, as they shrieked in delight, chased them down the stairs. With one last glance around Scotty's boyhood room, Lilly smiled fondly, switched off the light, and followed.

* * *

A few minutes later, they were all gathered in the backyard which, although small, was definitely larger than the kitchen would have been. Everyone expressed surprise and appreciation for the unseasonably warm weather; normally this time of year, everyone would have been crammed inside like sardines, but they all figured that the weather must have known it was a special day. Lilly, for her part, enjoyed the pleasant breeze, the fresh air, and Scotty by her side. Outside was definitely less suffocating than inside, and now that she wasn't left to deal with his family alone, things seemed to be looking up.

She finally met Scotty's father, who, though preoccupied with fussing with something over the biggest, most elaborate fire pit Lilly had ever seen , stopped what he was doing long enough to greet her with an enthusiastic hug and kiss. Scotty had his mother's eyes, Lilly observed, but the rest of his features must have come directly from his father. Ramon Valens looked like an older version of Scotty, shorter and a bit heavier, with gray liberally sprinkled throughout his hair and mustache and deep laugh lines around his mouth, but the eyes, Lilly noticed, were just like Mike's. Hazel, haunted, and very, very sad. Still, Ramon seemed jovial enough, especially when he gave Scotty a bear hug rivaled in vivacity only by the one Eduardo had given him, and the two chatted in Spanish for a few moments. Lilly hung back, smiling awkwardly, taking the opportunity to surreptitiously study Ramon's features as a sneak preview of what Scotty might look like one day.

They were interrupted by Emilio, who ran up to Ramon eagerly. "Mami says I can ask you if it's time," he chirped happily.

"Well, Emilio," Ramon replied with great importance, "let's see." He selected a long fork from his arsenal of tools, then gently slid it into the large piece of meat pressed between two wire racks. Lilly couldn't quite tell what it was, but it was definitely the biggest piece of meat she'd ever personally encountered.

"_Si_," Ramon responded with a trimphant smile, winking at his grandson. "Tell everyone…it is _time_."

"_El cerdo está listo! El cerdo está listo!_" Emilio shrieked excitedly, a childish joy lighting up his entire face, and then, before anyone could react, he scampered off around the backyard, repeating his cheerful message to anyone who would listen.

Scotty wrapped his arm around Lilly and escorted her to one of the picnic tables. "That used to be my job," he remarked, a fond wistfulness softening his features as he watched Emilio run from relative to relative.

"I bet you were adorable," Lilly said, smiling up at him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and grinned.

"Ma sure thought so," he replied. "There's tons of pictures inside."

Lilly wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Scotty rolled his eyes. "Forget I said that. No pictures. There ain't any."

Lilly giggled in reply, then turned her attention back to Emilio as Scotty slid onto the bench beside her. "So…what's Emilio saying, anyhow?" she asked.

"Most important announcement of the night," Scotty proclaimed proudly. "_El certo está listo …_the pig's done."

"The pig?" Lilly repeated blankly, frowning slightly. "What pig?"

"That pig," Scotty replied, with a jerk of his head in the direction of the fire pit. "My dad's specialty. Usually we only have it on Christmas Eve, but sometimes he'll pull one out for special occasions."

Lilly followed his excited eyes to the grill, where Ramon and three of Scotty's uncles were hoisting that incredibly large piece of meat off the flames, and when they rounded the corner and removed the wire rack, Lilly could see that…

_Oh, dear God._

It certainly was a pig, no doubt about that. A whole, entire, state-fair prize-winning hog…complete with feet, tail...and head. It had been sliced in half and mashed flat during the cooking process, so it bore an uncanny resemblance to something that had been run over by a tractor, but there was absolutely no mistaking that head. It was, quite possibly, one of the most horrifying things she'd ever seen…and she worked Homicide, for God's sake.

She glanced over at Scotty to gauge his reaction and saw him beaming with anticipation. "My dad makes the best roast pig outside of Cuba," he boasted. "Wait'll you try it."

Lilly smiled wanly as she glanced at the pig once more. "It's…it's something, all right," she agreed.

The pig was placed on a serving table which was already full to groaning with food of all sizes, shapes, and descriptions, and the rest of the relatives cheered and applauded, then began to take their seats. Ramon offered up a prayer in Spanish, none of which Lilly understood except the hearty "Amen" at the end from everyone else, and then they all began to line up at the buffet table.

"You haven't had good food 'till you've had this dinner," Scotty announced to Lilly as he helped her up from the picnic table and then twined his fingers with hers. "It's legendary."

"Legendary," Lilly repeated with less enthusiasm. "I'll bet."

"I told you my dad owns a restaurant, right?" Scotty asked her.

Restaurant? Suddenly, lots of things began to make sense. The turnovers, Scotty's incessant coffee tinkering and specific food cravings, that…pig…

"No…you didn't tell me that," she replied, grateful to have something to focus on other than that damn roast beast that took up half the buffet table.

"Started out as a busboy when he came over from Cuba," Scotty explained, "then worked his way up and eventually bought the place. Best Cuban restaurant in all of Philly."

Lilly smiled and took a deep breath. _You're doing this, Rush. The family thing. With Scotty. You're doing it. Just a little while longer._

Her mental coaching fell on deaf ears, though, as they approached the front of the line and the pig's head came into full view. It was even more disturbing up close than it had been from a distance. And with each step Lilly took toward it, the more her stomach churned, and the more her stomach churned, the more she came to the sinking, concrete realization that, best roast pig outside of Cuba or not, there was no way in hell she could bring herself to touch it.

Scotty noticed her staring at the pig and leaned in close to whisper in her ear. "Pig looks great, huh?" he asked eagerly.

"Scotty…I…" she began uncertainly.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm…Jewish," she burst out. It was the first thing that came to mind, the first reasonable excuse she could possibly think of to not touch that pig.

"You're not Jewish," Scotty replied, looking at her in utter mystification.

"Well, I'm all of a sudden thinking about converting," she rejoined drily, glancing at the pig.

"You eat pork all the time," Scotty said, still frowning. "Those hot dogs on the cart out front ain't exactly kosher, y'know."

"Those hot dogs on the cart out front also don't look like Wilbur from Charlotte's Web after a day a half in Hell," Lilly shot back in a fierce whisper.

Scotty chuckled slightly. "I guess I never thought about it that way…roast pig, hot dogs, ham sandwiches, bacon…ain't it all the same stuff?"

"None of that other stuff still has a head," Lilly retorted.

Another set of relatives started to go through the line, and Lilly felt the panic rising the closer they got to the pig. She knew if she took another step, she'd be in serious danger of losing not only her appetite, but everything else she'd had to eat that day as well. Decision made, she thrust her empty plate into the hand of a surprised Scotty.

"You okay, Lil?" he asked her, his voice soft with concern.

"Fine," she replied. "Just…dish me up some food. _Not _the pig. _Anything _but the pig. I just…I can't eat it. I can't even go near it. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's delicious, and I wish I could, but…but I _can't._ It's...I just can't eat things that look like what they looked like when they were alive. And you have to be okay with that, because I'm your girlfriend, and I'm here, and I'm trying, but that? That, I cannot do." Without waiting for a reply, she slipped out of the line and headed back to the picnic table, where she slid unobtrusively onto the bench, took a grateful sip of the drink that had mysteriously appeared at her place, and enjoyed the fact that no one seemed to have noticed.

Within moments, Scotty had reappeared, Lilly's plate piled full of food she couldn't pick out of a lineup if her life depended on it, but thank God, he'd heeded her request, and her plate was pig-free. That was far more than could be said for his, though; at least half of his plate was covered in pig, including…oh, God, was that _skin _he was eating?

"What?" Scotty asked, around his mouthful of crispy pig skin. "It's the best part."

"You're barbaric," she declared, then dug into her own plate, grateful to have something to look at, and think about, besides the pound and a half of pig carcass her boyfriend was devouring as though there were no tomorrow.

"Lil?" she heard Scotty say.

"Yeah?" she asked, turning to him, careful to not look at his plate.

"I know you're here. I know you're tryin'. You're doin' great. It means the world to me that you're here. I hope you know that," he told her softly, his voice and his eyes a soft, loving caress.

Lilly felt her heart starting to melt, and she smiled up at him. "Thanks," she replied.

More relatives then joined them at the table, plopping down paper plates that were so full of food they were almost bent double, and soon, Spanish conversation was flowing freely, peppered with hearty laughter.

"You want me to translate?" Scotty offered around another mouthful of dinner. "I will, but they're talkin' about people _I _don't even know."

Lilly smiled slightly and shook her head. "It's fine…I like just watching."

Scotty leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "_Te adoro, querida," _he murmured, and Lilly blushed slightly. Looking up from her plate, she noticed that Scotty's mother, who was sitting directly across from her, was smiling tenderly at the two of them, a proud, loving twinkle in her eyes, and that only made Lilly blush more.

As Lilly ate her dinner, which was, admittedly, delicious, she felt the unease of earlier gradually beginning to fade. It really was okay, being around these people, from this foreign culture. True, she didn't know half of what was going on, and she wasn't even sure what she was eating, but…there was peace here. Love. Security. And with that realization, she began to feel deep pangs of longing in her soul, pangs that she'd felt long ago and buried, telling herself that there was no sense hoping for such things. This…this love, this comfort, this security, this unspoken bond that all these widely varied people had with one another…she'd never had that. Ever.

And now, for the first time, she was beginning to realize just how much she'd missed.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Ramon pinging his fork on his glass and calling for everyone's attention, and when the din had quieted, shattered only by the childish laughter of a couple of the littler ones, Ramon proposed a toast to his mother on her birthday. It was in Spanish, and Scotty glanced at Lilly, but she just smiled and shook her head, so he grinned at her and turned his attention back to his grandmother, who was beaming as her health was toasted.

"_Salud!" _they all shouted heartily, and everyone was about to return to their dinner when Abuelita herself tapped on her glass, and a hush fell over the crowd once more.

Abuelita let loose a cheerful torrent of Spanish, and Scotty turned to her, his eyes bright and his smile tender and adoring. "Oh, I'm translatin' this…it's about you, Lil," he told her, his heart nearly bursting with joy.

"Me?" Lilly replied blankly, noting, with horror, that all of Scotty's relatives had turned their eyes toward her.

"Yeah," Scotty confirmed huskily. "She's proposin' a toast to you, 'cause you bring a smile to my face that's as bright as the Cuban sun."

The relatives all shouted _"Salud!" _again over the end of Scotty's translation, and Lilly smiled shyly and sipped from her glass, a sudden, almost overwhelming ache building in her heart once more. These people…people who had never met her, never seen her before, people who spoke a different language and came from a different culture…_loved_ her. They didn't even know her, and yet they loved her. Genuinely. Wholeheartedly. All because she made Scotty smile. That was reason enough. They loved her…because he did. No other reason, and no questions asked. She was good enough for Scotty, so she was good enough for them. Lilly fought a surge of bitterness rising in her heart as she thought of all the years she'd spent trying to be good enough for her mother, trying to earn her mother's love. Love that should have been automatic, instinctive, given freely…but instead was always just out of reach.

Lilly, to her horror, felt tears stinging her eyes, and she firmly stopped her train of thoughts and forced the tears away. Now was not the time. She could flip out about this later. This was a party. She was here, with Scotty, and she was going to be happy, dammit.

Once she got her emotions under control, she glanced up to see Anita Valens watching her once more, fixing her with that familiar look of tender compassion, that look she got all the time from Scotty, but which was somehow was even more poignant when coming from his mother. Lilly smiled slightly in return, then turned her attention back to her rapidly emptying plate.

A couple hours later, dinner had wound down, the families with the smallest children had begun to head for home, and everyone else had drifted back into the house, the evening chill taking the opportunity to remind them that, yes, in fact, it was still October. Most of Scotty's aunts and uncles gathered in the living room, along with his parents and his grandmother, and had begun to chatter in Spanish, the air frequently pierced by their merry laughter.

Meanwhile, the guys were gathering in the kitchen, Rafael handing out cigars, Eduardo still gnawing on an enormous hunk of the roast pig, Armadillo grabbing some beers from the fridge, and Scotty fetching a deck of cards. They all lowered themselves into chairs at the kitchen table, and then Mike arrived brandishing a slender silver case that, when opened, revealed poker chips in a dazzling array of colors.

Poker. Of course. Lilly knew Scotty was a poker aficionado, having late-night games with Vera, Jeffries, and occasionally Stillman on a fairly regular basis, and he'd ducked out of work a time or two for poker games with his brother and cousins. Lilly realized she was about to observe one of the famous Valens Family Poker Nights.

Suddenly, an idea occurred to her. Why observe…when she could participate?

"Deal me in," she instructed Mike with a smile, relishing the surprised expression that flitted across Scotty's face.

"Lil," he whispered urgently. "Can I…talk to you for a second?" Without waiting for a reply, he hurried into the kitchen, and Lilly, after tossing a mystified glance in Mike's direction, followed.

"What?" she asked him once they were alone, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. "This a guys only game?"

Scotty sighed and looked uncomfortable for a minute, then gently grasped her hands in his. "It ain't that, Lil, it's just…these guys are…well…they're pretty cutthroat," he explained.

"Well, I'd imagine so," Lilly replied smoothly. "I know how cutthroat _you _can be, I figured you come by it honestly."

Scotty blinked in surprise. She wasn't backing down. Clearly, she didn't understand the gravity of the situation. "Lil…I don't have to stay for this. I can play poker with these knuckleheads some other night. If you're ready to leave, we can jet anytime…" he trailed off uncertainly.

Lilly placed her hands on her hips and glared at him slightly. "It sounds like you don't think I know how to play poker, Valens," she challenged.

"Well…do you?" Scotty asked, suddenly realizing that he had absolutely no idea. She'd never joined them at work for poker, and he'd always figured it was because she didn't know how to play and didn't care to learn. But…did she actually play? It was sure beginning to sound like she did…

"Guess we'll find out," she replied casually, then sauntered past him, trailing her fingertips across his chest as she went, returned to the dining room, and sat down coolly as though nothing had happened.

"So your lady love's playin', huh?" Eduardo asked around his mouthful of pork as he winked at Lilly.

"Looks like it," Scotty replied uncomfortably as he came in from the kitchen. "So…go easy on her, huh?"

"Well, now, if she's playin'," Armadillo began, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, "maybe we oughta make this strip poker instead."

The other Valens cousins chuckled good-naturedly, and Rafael elbowed Armadillo as the two exchanged a glance. Lilly, blushing slightly, looked around the table and a sudden, unbidden image leaped into her mind: that of her, fully clothed, surrounded by her ridiculously attractive boyfriend and his nearly equally good-looking relatives in various states of undress. Eyes twinkling with mischief and her blush deepening, she turned to steal a glance at Scotty.

Scotty, for his part, had turned pale as he pictured his fully-dressed, sex-crazed cousins gleefully ogling a less-than-fully-dressed Lilly. Oh, no. He was having none of that.

"Hell, no," he said decisively, sitting down at the table and beginning to remove the poker chips from their silver case.

"Aw, looks like Scotty doesn't wanna share," Eduardo remarked, with a mock pout.

"Damn right," Scotty agreed, without even a trace of a grin. "Now who's dealin'?"

Lilly smiled to herself as Mike began to distribute the cards. Now...they were on her turf.


	6. Behind Blue Eyes

**Disclaimer: Not my show. Some of my characters. **

**Chapter Six: Behind Blue Eyes**

* * *

"Read 'em and weep," the winner declared coolly, but with an unmistakable note of triumph.

"Dammit!" Scotty exclaimed, as he tossed his cards to the table yet again and his relatives all began to chortle. Luck was definitely not on his side tonight. He sighed in exasperation, knowing that if he dared to look up, he'd be looking, once again, into the victoriously twinkling eyes…

…of Lilly Rush.

Because not only did she know how to play poker, he'd rapidly discovered, she kicked _ass _at poker. Scotty was instantly grateful that she'd never joined one of their games at work, because if she had, he and Vera would probably be so broke they'd be forced to share an apartment by now. Lilly was frighteningly good, and she made it look ridiculously easy. It was that damn Ice Queen look of hers, which, he realized, was just as effective at concealing her poker-related intentions as it was getting confessions from doers and getting his blood boiling during an argument.

Lilly grinned as she collected the chips from the center of the table, looking around at everyone else's rapidly dwindling piles.

"Daaamn," Armadillo commented appreciatively. "She's beautiful _and _she kicks your ass at poker? She's, like, the perfect woman."

"She's kickin' your ass, too, man," Scotty pointed out with a meaningful glance at his cousin.

"She can do anything she wants to my a--" Armadillo began suggestively.

"Armadillo!" Anita's voice pierced the din as she entered the room, carrying a tray of delicious-looking baked goods. "Behave!"

Lilly glanced up with a relieved smile as Anita placed the tray in the center of the table. Scotty's face lit up like a Christmas tree as he leaped from his seat, soundly kissed his mother's cheek, and instantly grabbed a turnover from the top of the pile.

So _these _were the famous guava turnovers, Lilly mused. She had to admit they did look and smell delectable. She couldn't recall having ever eaten guava before, but if the sweet, tangy, tropical scent that was rapidly filling the air was any indication, she could definitely grow to like them.

Scotty obviously adored them, she realized, if the ecstatically delighted moan from the other side of the table was any indication. She looked up to see Scotty devouring his turnover, his eyes closed in bliss, as his cousins elbowed each other and snickered.

"His love for these things is legendary," Mike explained, his eyes sparkling as he grinned at Lilly.

Lilly arched a brow in reply. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Yeah," Rafael responded as he reached for his own turnover. "I'm surprised he ain't pulled an American Pie with one of 'em yet."

"Who says he hasn't?" Eduardo retorted, resulting in appreciative laughter from the others around the table.

"Y'know, it's hilarious how you all think I'm listenin' to you," Scotty commented drily as he took another bite. Lilly watched him in amazement, then began to blush as she realized that the only time she saw him look this ecstatic was…well…

Eduardo noticed Lilly blushing and followed her eyes to Scotty, then grinned and elbowed her slightly.

"Y'know…they say guava's an aphrodisiac," Eduardo remarked teasingly, and she blushed more even more furiously for a brief instant, then quickly recovered, grinned mischievously and reached for a turnover herself.

"_Well,_ then," she replied, glancing in Scotty's direction with as much seductiveness as she dared.

"Ooooooh," the cousins chorused, as Scotty looked up in surprise.

"Looks like Scotty's gettin' lucky tonight!" Eduardo crowed.

"Gotta have _some_ kinda luck," Scotty retorted, tossing Lilly a brief glare belied by a slight smile.

Armadillo followed Scotty's eyes to Lilly. "Man, you get _all_ the luck," he griped bitterly.

Lilly bit into her turnover and was instantly amazed. They were absolutely delicious. Every bit as good as advertised.

"Told you they were good," Scotty remarked as he met her eyes across the table.

"But don't bother askin' for the recipe," Mike piped up around his own mouthful of pastry. "Ma won't give it to _anyone_."

"Oh, don't worry," Lilly demurred. "I don't cook."

Scotty was about to disagree when he felt his mother's hands on his shoulders, and he turned to smile at her.

"_Delicioso como siempre_," he declared gratefully, and she beamed her thanks.

"I'm glad you like them, _m'ijo,_" she replied. "And as for the recipe…I give it to whomever I choose."

"Which is no one," Mike concluded with a wry grin, to a chorus of agreement from the cousins as Anita chuckled softly and headed back into the kitchen.

"No kiddin'," Rafael agreed, suddenly beginning to study his half-eaten turnover. "It's a conundrum wrapped in an enigma wrapped in pastry wrapped in a lie!"

Scotty blinked in surprise and cast a disbelieving look in his cousin's direction. "Dude…didn't know you knew that many big words."

Rafael grinned somewhat sheepishly. "I've been watchin' some web cartoons. Lots…of web cartoons."

"You learn big words from web cartoons?" Mike asked, frowning in confusion.

"Tell 'em why," Armadillo urged, elbowing his cousin.

"You seein' someone?" Eduardo asked, glancing at Rafael curiously as he took a big bite of his turnover.

Rafael's grin broadened. "Yeah…this British chick."

"Well, how come you didn't bring her?" Scotty asked teasingly. "It's Meet The Girlfriend Night, didn't you know?"

Rafael shrugged. "We've only been seein' each other a couple weeks," he said.

Scotty smiled fondly at Lilly, remembering the early days of their relationship, as he watched her take another bite of her turnover.

Lilly, meanwhile, was still stunned by the sheer deliciousness of the half-finished pastry she held in her hand. Each mouthful was even more amazingly scrumptious than the last.

"You grew up on these?" she asked Scotty, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Sure did," Scotty replied proudly, as he reached for his third one. "Told you they were good."

"No kiddin'," Lilly agreed wholeheartedly. "How the hell are you not morbidly obese? I know I would be if I'd had these growing up."

Scotty glanced at her, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "I work out," he reminded her. "And it ain't all just for your benefit." He arched an eyebrow at her, and Lilly suddenly realized the exact memory he was conjuring up.

Almost against her will, that memory surfaced in her own mind, a memory of early one September morning when she'd awakened to a fresh mug of coffee on her nightstand and the sounds of rain lashing her windows. Above the rain, she heard rhythmic thumps from the living room, along with heavy breathing and a constant, high-pitched whirring sound. Curious, she'd plucked Scotty's dress shirt off the corner of the bed, slipped into it, and padded out of the bedroom to investigate, and what she'd seen had done far more to wake her up than any of that rocket fuel ever could: Scotty had shoved his furniture back against the wall, stripped off his favorite Eagles T-shirt and haphazardly tossed it onto the couch, and was skipping rope in his living room.

Stunned completely speechless, Lilly could only stand and stare. Scotty didn't do anything half-heartedly, she observed. She could tell from the expression of intense concentration on his face that he was in some kind of zone, and clearly wasn't even aware of her presence, so she just stood there, watching him, her heart racing and her desire skyrocketing, until he finally stopped and tossed the rope to the side. In doing so, he, at long last, noticed her and greeted her with a wide smile.

"_Hola, querida_," he panted as he picked up his discarded T-shirt from the couch and began to towel off with it. "Did I wake you up?"

"I'm more concerned about wakin' up the neighbors," Lilly purred seductively.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Scotty replied breathlessly, slinging the shirt over his shoulder. "Girl downstairs…gets up way early."

"I'm talking about a _different _kind of wakin' up the neighbors," she corrected as she set the coffee mug down on the table. She could tell by Scotty's blank stare that, somehow, he still didn't have a clue what she was talking about, so she upped the ante, slowly unbuttoning her shirt, slipping it down her shoulders, and letting it pool at her feet. Comprehension dawned as his eyes widened and began to rove greedily over her naked form, and that was all the time she'd given him before shoving him down onto his displaced sofa and kissing him senseless.

They'd been late for work that morning, enduring good-natured ribbing from their colleagues. Vera, to Lilly's horror, but not her surprise, had noticed the telltale glow emanating from both of them and had demanded details, but Kat had silenced him with a glare. She'd then looked from Lilly to Scotty, rolled her eyes, and muttered something about Man Candy at least being in a good mood that morning. Jeffries had grinned broadly, his eyes twinkling with mischief, and Stillman had cleared his throat and pointedly glanced at the clock. Though neither of them had actually said anything, their silence was far more embarrassing than the chortles of the other two…but it had been worth it. _So_ worth it.

Lilly glanced up at Scotty to find his eyes twinkling with merriment and the other cousins looking at her curiously. Horrified, she glanced at the turnover, as though it was to blame for her suddenly lascivious memories. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her. Maybe what they said about guavas was true after all.

It must be, she decided, as she took another bite and was struck by sudden inspiration as some of the warm, gooey filling dripped out of the turnover and landed on her index finger. _Two can play at this game, _she mused, and, after making sure no one but Scotty was watching, she slowly, deliberately slid her finger into her mouth, and when she saw the fire of lust begin to ignite in Scotty's eyes, she removed her finger, mission accomplished.

"You ready to get your ass kicked some more, Valens?" Lilly asked, casually popping the rest of the turnover into her mouth and grabbing the deck of cards.

"No," four men around the table chorused in unison. Lilly glanced up in surprise, while Eduardo burst out laughing.

"Guess I'm the only one here who ain't gettin' his ass kicked," he replied gleefully.

"My last name's not Valens, either, bucko," Lilly retorted with a glance in his direction as she shuffled the deck.

* * *

"I fold," Rafael announced with an exasperated sigh, tossing his cards onto the table.

"Me too, dammit," Armadillo agreed, turning his attention from his cards to Lilly once more.

Ignoring the lusty stare of Scotty's cousin, Lilly shoved a couple of chips toward the center. "I'm in with ten," she declared.

"Surprise, surprise," Eduardo remarked, adding his own chips to the pile.

Scotty said nothing, just glared in Lilly's direction and plunked down his chips. He had a pair of queens, it was the best deal he'd gotten all night, and he was determined to win this hand if it was the last thing he ever did. She was his girlfriend, for God's sake, and she'd been his partner for years before that. He knew her better than anyone else, and if any of them had a prayer of beating her, he'd long ago realized that it would have to be him.

Mike tossed his own chips into the pile, then laid down the flop. Eight of hearts, and the two and queen of clubs.

That queen gave Scotty three of a kind, he realized. He then glanced up at the others, trying to determine what was going on with them. Eduardo leaned back in his chair, gnawing on his cigar, which usually told Scotty that he didn't have that great of a hand, but didn't want anyone to know that yet. And Mike sat stone-faced, but the set of his jaw made it clear that he really didn't have anything good, either. Scotty smiled inwardly. Being a detective sure came in handy when playing poker.

As predicted, Mike folded, and Eduardo halfheartedly tossed a ten into the mound of chips. Lilly raised the bet to twenty, which Scotty defiantly met, and Eduardo wordlessly shoved ten more to the center of the table.

Mike laid down the turn card. Three of diamonds. No help.

Once again, Scotty glanced around at the others. Eduardo continued to chew on his cigar and study his cards as though they were some secret code that only he was capable of interpreting, but Lilly…dammit. Lilly was fixing him with that expressionless mask, which she'd used to her advantage the whole freakin' night. Over the course of their relationship, Scotty had developed the ability to occasionally detect a crack or two in that icy façade, especially if it was the result of a disagreement they were having. But, he realized with chagrin, when employed in poker, less emotion was involved, and he couldn't find a fissure or a weakness anywhere.

With a sigh, Scotty tossed twenty onto the pile, and Eduardo immediately folded. Lilly raised the bet to forty, eliciting arched eyebrows and a buzz of excitement from the rest of the table. Scotty studied his hand again and raised it to fifty. If he was going out, he was going out in a blaze of glory. Lilly tossed the remaining ten into the pile without a word, and Mike glanced from her to Scotty, then dealt the river.

Ten of clubs.

Scotty glanced up, studying Lilly, then studying the cards. There were three clubs out there…so she could have a flush. He became more certain of this when Lilly confidently shoved fifty to the center of the table without a word.

"Damn," Eduardo remarked appreciatively. "Girl must have a good hand."

"Or she's bluffing," Rafael pointed out.

Scotty looked up in surprise. The idea of Lilly bluffing had never occurred to him. Lil wouldn't bluff him…would she?

Lilly noticed Scotty staring at her and met his gaze, studying him carefully. His dark eyes were hard, focused with determination, looking at her the way she'd seen him look at suspects countless times. Clearly, he was sizing her up, too. Did he…think she was bluffing? The twitch of the muscle in his jaw certainly seemed to indicate that his thoughts were leaning that direction. She'd seen that muscle twitch in the interview room more times than she could count, and it always started when he began to get frustrated, when he was staring down a suspect and either couldn't figure them out or was just holding himself back from cold-cocking them.

But this one was different. It wasn't a rhythmic twitch, the way it was when he was angry. It was just the occasional one. The thoughtful twitch, she called it. Yes, he was definitely still puzzling over her.

She knew Scotty well enough to know that he wouldn't fold…not yet, anyway. She continued to stare at him, noticing out of the corner of her eyes how the assorted relatives glanced from her to Scotty and back again, like they were watching a tennis match.

Suddenly, Scotty's eyes darkened even further, and he slid fifty into the pile without comment. She glanced at her pile, and then his. His was rapidly dwindling. Would he go all in? He might.

Scotty sat there, considering going all in on this. Three queens was a pretty good hand, he had to admit…but if he went all in and he lost, that was it. The game was over. He sat there, considering his options for a moment, then put in another fifty.

He watched in silence as Lilly carefully studied him for a minute. No, wait…he realized she wasn't studying _him_…she was studying his pathetically small pile of chips. What the hell was she up to?

When she took a few seconds to very carefully count out some chips, then slid a small pile to the center, her eyes cold and calculating, he was filled with a sick sense of certainty as the answer became painfully clear. She was putting in exactly the amount of chips he had left, and in doing so, she was forcing his hand: he'd have to either go all in…or fold.

_Dammit._

Both amazed at her sheer brilliance and chagrined by the evil genius nature of her tactics, Scotty frantically studied Lilly's face once more, desperate to discover something, _anything_, that would tell him whether or not she was bluffing. He _knew _her, for God's sake, and he'd spent far more time studying those beautiful features than he cared to admit. At work, especially during the early days, it had been ridiculous. He'd found himself repeatedly ignoring paperwork in favor of tracing the contours of her face with his eyes, memorizing every detail: her porcelain skin, still carrying leftover traces of her childhood freckles…those sparkling sapphire eyes fringed with long, feathery lashes…her delicate eyebrows…the firm, yet rounded chin…those soft, infinitely kissable lips…he could stare at her forever, he'd decided one day. And he'd seen that face express a vast array of emotions; he'd seen it wide-eyed with panic; he'd seen it radiant with love; he'd seen it in the interview room, eyes blazing with righteous indignation and a thirst for justice; he'd seen it in the throes of passion, when her pale skin turned rosy and started to glisten…he'd seen it make just about every expression a face could make…but this time, he could tell absolutely nothing from the carefully studied face of the woman he loved.

Scotty sighed in defeat. She had him. Again. She'd had him all night. And no matter what his hand contained, hers was better.

Every competitive urge he had shrieked at him to reconsider as he started to lower his cards. _Dammit, Valens, she's bluffing! You've got a good hand! Stay in it! _But his rational side disagreed. Three of a kind was the best hand he'd had for a while, but it wasn't that great of a hand. Plenty of hands out there could beat it, there were three clubs on the table…and Lilly wouldn't bet like that if she was bluffing. She was far too cautious for that. She wasn't the type to take a chance unless the outcome was certain and sure. That was his Lil. Careful. Avoiding risks. Hell, he was the one who'd practically had to drag her kicking and screaming into the best relationship either of them had ever had. And with a sinking sensation, he realized that he had to do.

"I'm out," he admitted quietly.

Lilly had known it. She'd seen the determination fade slowly from his eyes as soon as she'd shoved that precisely calculated pile to the center. He probably had a decent hand. Too bad for him to waste it…

A grin crossed Lilly's face as she scooted the now-enormous mountain of chips back to her place. And in that grin, Scotty realized, with a sinking sensation…she'd been bluffing. He was suddenly almost positive. Oh, she was under no obligation to show her cards, and he knew it…but he was suddenly dying of curiosity.

Lilly glanced up and noticed that hungry inquisitiveness sparking in her boyfriend's eyes, that same look he got when he was digging into a case file for the first time. She really should take pity on him, she decided. Maybe. Perhaps it would be kinder to let him think she'd had a kick-ass hand….but, then again…

Decision made, she casually tossed her cards face-up on the table.

A four of hearts and a nine of spades.

She'd been bluffing.

All Scotty could do was stare, open-mouthed, as his relatives all issued their own shouts of amazement.

"Bloody hell," Rafael remarked, staring wide-eyed at Lilly's cards.

"She bluffed you!" Mike exclaimed in disbelief, jovially socking Scotty in the shoulder. "The great Scotty Valens. She bluffed _you._"

"_Nobody_ can bluff you," Armadillo added.

"Many have tried, none have succeeded," Rafael commented, still staring in amazement at Lilly's cards.

"Guess it takes a cop to bluff a cop," Eduardo remarked with a congratulatory grin in Lilly's direction.

Lilly shot Scotty her most dazzling smile, and he tried to glare at her, honest he did, but he just couldn't hide the rueful grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.

_"Crap!"_ he finally exclaimed, tossing his two queens to the table, and when Lilly saw them, she burst out laughing.

"She really _is _the perfect woman," Armadillo concluded, casting another lusty glance at Lilly.

"That she is," Scotty replied with a smile.

* * *

By evening's end, everyone had been completely cleaned out except Lilly, whose shockingly large heap of chips had converted into a rather sizeable stack of cash, amid good-natured grumblings from the Valens clan.

"Dude," Rafael began, shaking his head as he emptied his wallet. "Never play poker with cops."

"_I'm_ a cop," Scotty pointed out. "You play poker with me."

"Never play poker with _good _cops," Eduardo corrected.

They all gradually drifted toward the door to say their goodbyes, and when Lilly approached Anita, the shorter woman pulled her into an affectionate hug.

"Thanks," Lilly said appreciatively. "This evening was…great."

"I'm glad," Anita replied warmly, then glanced over to make sure Scotty was appropriately distracted by the conversation he was having with his father. Confirming this, she stretched up to whisper in Lilly's ear.

"I want to teach you how to make those guava turnovers," she said, and Lilly's eyes widened in surprise.

"But I don't…I don't cook," she protested.

"You love Scotty," Anita pointed out. "And that's all it takes to be a good cook. Love the one you're cooking for."

Lilly was dumbfounded. This woman, who she'd just met, was going to teach her to make that closely guarded secret recipe, merely because Lilly loved her son? There it was again. That stunning realization that these people, these Valenses, loved Lilly…simply because she brought joy back to Scotty's life. They loved him so much that they'd accept a perfect stranger into their midst, no questions asked, simply because she made him smile. And with that came the ache, the longing, the bitterness…and a nearly overwhelming sense of panic.

Anita didn't seem to notice as she continued. "But I've got one condition," she began kindly, a wide smile crossing her face. "It's gotta be a surprise for Scotty. Think you can keep a secret?"

Lilly smiled confidently. "Definitely," she replied, reeling her whirling thoughts back under control. She could flip out later. They were almost done.

After finishing their goodbyes, she and Scotty walked hand-in-hand out to the curb, slid into the car, and then Lilly leaned her head back on the headrest with a deep, relieved sigh. It was over. The whole evening was _over_. She'd done it. She'd met his family. She'd seen how he grew up. She'd survived her encounter with the Demon Pig from Hell. She'd ventured into this world of hugs and kisses and familial perfection that she'd never had growing up, and while that should have filled her with a sense of accomplishment, it instead filled her with that all-too-familiar sense of unease and terror. Hastily, she beat it back down as best she could. She was far too exhausted to deal with it now. She was going home with Scotty…back to normal. Maybe she wouldn't have to deal with it at all.

Feeling Scotty's eyes on her, she turned to look at him and gave him a tired, almost sheepish smile. She found him gazing back at her, his eyes radiating warmth and gratitude, and for the longest time, neither of them moved, neither of them spoke.

Finally, he broke the silence, clearing his throat and reaching out to take her hand. He took her left hand in both of his, grasping it lightly, caressing the back of it gently with his thumb, and then looked up into her eyes again, like she was a treasure he'd just discovered.

"Thanks," Scotty began huskily, a myriad of emotions evident in his voice. "Lil…God…I don't even know how to…." he trailed off, swallowing hard, then leaned in for a kiss. "Thanks," he said again, before his lips caressed hers reverently, tenderly, lovingly. She could feel the love pouring from his heart to his lips to hers, and her own heart swelled with love in response.

When they broke apart, she smiled at him, suddenly feeling the exhaustion beginning to slip away. "I had fun," she replied, and Scotty could tell that she meant it. He was surprised, relieved…and deeply grateful. He knew she'd love his family. He just knew it, and the evening had, frankly, gone even better than it had hoped. He was relieved that her panic from earlier seemed to have worn off.

"No kiddin'," he remarked, smirking ruefully at her. "Kickin' everybody's ass at poker'll do that."

"That was definitely a highlight," Lilly agreed, with a mischievous twinkle in her blue eyes.

"So, Lil…I gotta ask…" he began hesitantly, both insanely curious to know and completely unsure whether he actually wanted the answer, "…where the _hell_ did you learn to play poker like that?"

Lilly grinned. "Well, while you were off being crowned prom king…Ray was teaching me how to play poker."

Scotty couldn't control the jealousy that shot like lightning through his veins, and Lilly instantly noticed from the way his eyes darkened and started to spark.

"You jealous of Ray?" she asked incredulously.

Actually, yes. Yes, he was. And he had no idea why. But before he could even begin to process it, Lilly had stepped in coolly.

"I'll make it up to you," she offered, her voice lowered suggestively. "I know another version of the game."

"Yeah?" Scotty asked blankly, arching a brow as he glanced in her direction. He was definitely not sure where she was going with this. After that evening's events, he wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"Oh, your cousin Armadillo knows what I'm talking about," she remarked teasingly.

"Armadillo?" Scotty echoed, frowning in confusion.

"Y'know…the version where I get your clothes instead of your money…" Lilly suggested, a flirtatious gleam in her eyes.

A lascivious spark gleamed in Scotty's dark eyes as he looked her way again. "Who says I ain't gonna get _your_ clothes?" he retorted.

Lilly let out a disbelieving chuckle. "I wiped the floor with you tonight, and you know it."

"But when the stakes are higher…I might try harder," he replied with a shrug.

"So seein' me naked is worth more to you than takin' money from your relatives?" she laughed in disbelief.

Scotty grinned and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "_Way _more," he confirmed.

* * *

An hour later, they lay sprawled on Scotty's bed, a well-worn deck of cards between them. Scotty had been relieved of every stitch of his clothing but his T-shirt, his boxers, and his left sock. Much to his consternation, Lilly remained almost fully dressed. Her earrings had been removed and placed on the nightstand, along with her watch, and her shoes lay haphazardly on the floor.

"Still don't get how come you got to count each earring as one individual item of clothing," he griped, fanning out the cards in his hand and looking them over.

"Rules are rules, Valens," Lilly replied unsympathetically as she selected two cards from her hand and replaced them with cards from the pile. "It's not my fault you don't accessorize."

Scotty, taking four cards, shot her a dark look. "Yeah, well, if you don't stop kickin' my ass at poker, I may start," he retorted, then showed his hand. "Whaddaya got?"

Lilly dropped her cards on the bed. "Read 'em and weep," she proclaimed proudly.

"Dammit!" Scotty griped again. How the hell did she keep getting such good hands? Her three Jacks far outweighed the measly pair of nines he'd managed to cobble together, and that was one of the better hands he'd had all night.

Lilly giggled. "Lose that sock," she ordered.

Scotty glared in Lilly's direction, then stripped the sock from his foot, balled it up, and threw it at her. Laughing, she ducked, and the sock hit the headboard and bounced harmlessly to the pillows near her bare feet.

With a defeated sigh, he shuffled again and dealt the cards. He tried to read Lilly's expression, but, as he had been all night, he was completely unsuccessful. The woman had the best poker face he'd ever seen.

Looking at his hand, he realized he had absolutely nothing, so, in a bold move, he tossed all five cards back.

"Livin' dangerously," Lilly observed, as she took only one card from the deck.

Scotty shrugged. "What've I got to lose?" he asked.

"Your shirt, perhaps," she replied, displaying her hand, which contained a pair of tens and an ace. It wasn't her best hand by far, but it was better than his, she was sure…

"Yes!" Scotty shouted in triumph. "It's about damn time!"

Lilly sighed. "Can't believe you beat me with three lousy twos," she muttered.

"Had to happen sometime," he replied matter-of-factly, then turned eager eyes on Lilly. "Now…I believe somebody was talkin' about losin' a shirt earlier…"

Lilly rolled her eyes, then fixed Scotty with a lascivious glance and slowly…excruciatingly slowly, to Scotty's mind, she undid the buttons of her blouse, one by precious one. Scotty found himself suddenly unable to breathe as more and more of Lilly's porcelain skin came into view, and when she slipped her blouse from her shoulders to reveal the creamy swells of her breasts cresting over the edge of a satiny lavender bra, his mouth suddenly went dry and his heart began to race. Lilly, smiling knowingly, tossed her shirt in his direction, but he didn't even flinch.

"My deal," she purred, grabbing the deck and shuffling the cards.

"'Kay," Scotty replied absently, still staring. Oh, sure, he'd seen Lilly in various states of undress hundreds of times by now, but he was discovering that there was something special, something utterly intoxicating, about watching her lose her clothing slowly that, if he wasn't careful, would prove to be his undoing.

"You…wanna look at your cards, Scotty?" Lilly asked, arching a brow, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Nah," Scotty replied, not even bothering to glance down at the five cards she'd dealt him.

Lilly giggled, studied her hand, then took three cards from the deck. "Show 'em," she ordered, still grinning.

Scotty tossed his cards face-up, his eyes still locked on Lilly.

"I win," Lilly announced.

"Whatever," Scotty shrugged, then, his eyes gleaming with mischief, he sat up and grabbed the hem of his T-shirt. "This part's a lot more fun, anyway."

"Losing is more fun than winning?" Lilly asked incredulously. "How do you figure…" she trailed off, mid-sentence, and gasped silently as her boyfriend slowly, teasingly, tantalizingly slowly, lifted his shirt, exposing the taut, chiseled ridges of his torso inch by delicious inch.

_Oh…good…God_, Lilly thought, as Scotty raised his T-shirt higher, revealing the sculpted planes of his chest, the soft tufts of hair that Lilly suddenly ached to run her fingers through, his broad, artfully formed shoulders… and finally, the shirt was off and Scotty was sitting upright, grinning at her.

"See?" he remarked softly as he tossed the shirt over his shoulder, enjoying every last second of his girlfriend's speechless reaction. "This part really is more fun."

"Definitely," Lilly agreed, her heart hammering in her chest and the molten lava of desire shooting through her veins. Maybe those guavas really _were _an aphrodisiac…

Scotty grinned beneath her brazen perusal as he dealt the cards. Lilly at least had the presence of mind to look down at her hand, but gave it only a cursory glance before returning to study much more pleasant scenery. In doing so, she noticed Scotty wasn't paying much attention to his own hand, either.

"You takin' any cards?" he asked absently, his eyes still roving over Lilly's gentle curves.

"Nah," Lilly replied.

"Me either," Scotty agreed, tossing the cards face-up on the bed. Lilly, still unabashedly perusing the delectable expanse of his chest, did the same.

"I win," Scotty said, tearing his eyes from the visual feast that was Lilly only long enough to check the cards.

"If you say so," Lilly replied, then, her eyes twinkling lasciviously, she rose from the bed and shimmied out of her skirt, revealing long, shapely, ivory legs and a pair of lavender panties that matched the bra. Grinning, she placed her hands on her hips and reveled in her boyfriend's heated gaze.

"Whose, uh…whose deal is it?" Scotty managed, his eyes doing to her body what she knew his hands longed to be doing instead.

"No idea," Lilly replied, taking a step forward.

"Then why the hell are we still playin' this game?" he demanded, his voice strained with desire.

"Got me," Lilly answered with a smile and a shrug.

"Well, then I officially forfeit," he declared, and before Lilly could respond, he swept the cards to the floor with his left hand while grabbing her hand with his right, grinning in response to her surprised laughter as she tumbled on top of him.

"Much better," Scotty murmured against her lips before devouring them in a fiery kiss.


	7. Suddenly I See

**A/N: Buckle up, y'all.**

**Disclaimer: Despite valiant efforts by all parties, it would appear that my original characters are not as persuasive as I had hoped…ergo; these characters still don't belong to me. Back to the drawing board.**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Suddenly I See**

_Suddenly I see this is what I wanna be_

_Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me_

Lilly fell back onto the pillows in a panting heap, her heart pounding and the room spinning from the thrill ride she and Scotty had just taken. Her eyes still unable to focus, she groped blindly for him, one hand finding the damp softness of his ebony hair, the other finding the slick skin of his upper arm, and she held on for dear life as Scotty trailed gentle, loving kisses up her flat stomach, between her breasts, and finally, when he reached the curve of her neck, he lowered himself onto her, every bit as breathless as she was.

"God, Lil," he sighed happily. "I'm so in love with you I can't see straight." He buried his face in her shoulder and kissed her again, intoxicated by the salty tang of sweat and, underneath, the sweetness he knew only as Lilly.

"I know the feeling," Lilly replied with a dazzling smile, her heart swelling with love as her fingers journeyed through his hair to cup the back of his neck.

Scotty managed to raise his head long enough to gaze deep into her sapphire eyes, brush away a few clinging strands of blonde hair, then kiss her lips tenderly, achingly tenderly. He smiled down at her, gazed into her eyes for a few seconds more, then rolled off of her onto his back with a deep sigh and a broad smile. She scooted closer and pillowed her head on his chest, feathering kisses across its damp planes before snuggling into the crook of his shoulder and sighing contentedly.

"'Night, beautiful," Scotty murmured, already well on his way to a blissfully sated sleep. "Love you…"

"I love you, too, Scotty," Lilly replied earnestly, inhaling his comforting spicy scent and listening to the strong, reassuring rhythm of his heart. Within seconds, she could tell by the slow, steady rise and fall of his chest that he had fallen asleep, and her eyes fluttered closed, her body completely spent, yet fully satisfied, anticipating the deep slumber she was sure would follow.

But, exhausted though her body was, her brain was fully awake, and, to her chagrin, sleep just wouldn't come. As she tossed and turned for nearly an hour, replaying the events of the action-packed day over and over in her buzzing mind, Lilly felt the familiar chilly fingers of unease steal their way into her previously peaceful soul. The same panicked, overwhelmed feeling that had been her semi-constant companion throughout the evening was back in full force, and this time she didn't have poker or sex to distract her. Try as she might to fight it off, to think of other things, she simply couldn't escape it, and she suddenly had an overwhelming urge to get out of bed, to escape, in a way, and see if maybe sorting things out in the living room would help.

She cast a cautious glance over at Scotty. Her boyfriend was dead to the world, his arm slung possessively across her midsection. Normally, this reassured her; she was always touched that he frequently seemed to want to embrace her even in slumber, but now, after an evening spent with him, and his grandmother, and his cousins, and the pig, and the children, and the turnovers, and the crowds and crowds of relatives in a space that seemed smaller by the minute… it almost felt like the steel clamp of a trap. As quietly and gently as she could, she lifted his arm off her, but he instantly replaced it and pulled her even closer.

Lilly's eyes widened in panic and her heart began to race as she lay there, imprisoned beneath Scotty's arm. What the hell was wrong with her? Being with him, being wrapped in his strong embrace, always reassured her, always made her feel safe and secure. It never, ever made her feel trapped…being close to him like this hadn't scared her in months. Not since…

_Crap._

Not since he'd told her he loved her.

_Dammit_.

She thought she was over this. She thought she was done flipping out about things. But, here they were, months later, taking the next step in their relationship, and she was flipping out. Again.

Her breathing quickening with fright, she tried to lift Scotty's arm again, but he wouldn't budge, so she slowly wriggled out from beneath it and slid out of the bed, praying with every inch of progress that he wouldn't wake up, and, thank God, he didn't. Scotty merely mumbled something in his sleep, then rolled over and snuggled up to her pillow instead, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she started poking around his apartment for a slip of scratch paper and a pen. Heading out to the living room to think things through suddenly wasn't enough, she'd realized with certainty. She had no idea what the hell her problem was, no clue why the walls were closing in all of a sudden…but she knew instinctively what she needed.

She needed to go home.

She just wanted to get out of there, away from all this, and go home. Be alone. Sort things out. She needed a few hours to think, and then it would all be okay. She could have her little flip-out by herself, process things, and be back to her usual self by sunup. It'd be fine, and Scotty would never have to know.

Hastily, Lilly scribbled a note and left it on the nightstand, gathered up her clothes from where they lay scattered across the bedroom floor, slipped them on, and crept out of Scotty's apartment, clicking the door closed softly behind her.

* * *

As though moving in a daze, Lilly climbed the stairs to her apartment, slid the key in the lock, and slipped inside, closing the door quietly behind her and leaning against it with a sigh of relief. She'd made it. She was home.

Looking around the room, she was comforted to see the cats snoozing on the couch, seemingly awaiting her return. They'd grown accustomed to not having Lilly home every night long before Scotty entered the picture, but since then, Lilly noticed, when she was out late with Scotty, the cats didn't sleep on her bed, like they usually did, but on the couch.

Having gathered herself for the moment, Lilly set the keys down on the table next to the door as quietly as she could. Tripod didn't stir at the sound, but Olivia raised her head, sleepily opened her eye, confirmed that it was Lilly, then yawned hugely and lowered her head back down to her paws.

Lilly crossed the room, sank down on the couch between her two pets, and began to absently scratch them both between the ears. Scotty's family was wonderful, she realized with a wistful smile. Large, loud, and overwhelming…but wonderful. And despite the fact that she'd gotten along with them far better than she'd ever expected, she was still unsettled, still shaky…still overwhelmed, but now, now that she'd breathed the fresh night air and made it back to safety, back to her place, back home, she'd realized just what, exactly was bothering her.

Scotty clearly had what Lilly had never gotten, but had always longed for: a family. A whole, stable, loving family.

Oh, Lilly had known for years that Scotty's childhood had been far better than hers. She'd known that fact from the third case they worked together, the Toya Miles job, where they'd learned that their young victim's mother, Rosie, had battled alcohol abuse, even getting a DUI with Toya in the car. Lilly had grown increasingly bitter and cynical throughout that case, and Scotty, even though he barely knew her at that point, had picked up on it.

One night, as they were leaving Headquarters, after a long day of interviewing the amnesiac Rosie, they'd talked.

"Maybe Rosie's better off not knowing," Lilly remarked as they stepped out into that frigid night.

"Not knowin' what?" Scotty asked.

"How she was with Toya…how they lived," Lilly replied, her voice dark and heavy with the years of bitterness that had threatened to burst forth at the slightest provocation since the moment she'd learned the truth about Rosie.

"Well, they were doin' okay," Scotty argued, almost defensively, as though giving Rosie Miles the benefit of the doubt was suddenly his highest priority.

"What, on welfare, with a DUI?" she snapped.

"People make mistakes…they clean up," Scotty reminded her, with just the slightest hint of exasperation in his voice, almost like he couldn't believe how judgmental and unforgiving she was being.

And that had done it. That had been the last straw. Lilly realized, in that moment, that Scotty Valens had absolutely no idea what kind of case he was dealing with, what kind of mother Rosie was, even what kind of partner he had. Despite her professionalism, despite her overwhelming desire to hold it together so nobody would ever think to look past Lilly to the horrors that lay behind her, something deep within her snapped, and the long-repressed bitterness had spilled out.

"Your mom ever forget to feed you…'cause she was too drunk…or tired…or out lookin' for a man?" she demanded, thoroughly enjoying the dumbfounded expressions that flitted across her partner's face.

"No," he replied matter-of-factly, but Lilly kept going.

"Toya's a dime a dozen," she continued, glaring icily at Scotty, hoping that something she said would get through to him and put him in his place, to prove to him that he had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Unwanted kid, mom runs outta food stamps, makes an excuse why there's no dinner tonight. Oh…and no breakfast, either," she added, the pain and resentment of her childhood pouring forth in a flood that she was utterly powerless to stop. "So thank God for the free corn flakes at school, if you get there early, and maybe some kid'll give you scraps out of his lunch box later on," Lilly finished, almost laughing with the sheer ridiculousness of it all, because if she didn't laugh, she'd cry, and she'd be damned to Hell and back before she let Scotty Valens see her cry.

Scotty, for his part, had looked down at the ground most of the time she'd been talking to him, the muscles in his jaw working, and Lilly hoped, when she finally trailed off, that he'd have the good sense to keep his mouth shut, to stay in the place she'd put him, to nod, accept the truth for what it was, and just say _nothing_.

But, of course, he hadn't.

"So your moms was goin' through bad times," he replied, not unkindly, but almost dismissively, with a half-smile and a slight shrug, and Lilly knew, despite all she'd said, despite the volcano of pain that had erupted from deep within her heart where she usually kept it buried, that Scotty hadn't even heard her. On the one hand, she was grateful…if he hadn't heard her, then she could pretend that she hadn't just spilled her guts to a guy she barely knew, a guy from work, her new partner, for God's sake, …the know-it-all rookie, the overeager puppy, the guy with a hundred girls on speed-dial whom he claimed were all informants. The last guy in the world she'd ever want to see her as anything other than the consummate professional…and she'd just fallen apart, nearly broken down completely, and told him some of her darkest memories. But, on the other hand…she'd wanted him to hear her, wanted him to feel her pain and understand where she was coming from, for reasons she couldn't even begin to fathom. She'd wanted Scotty to just…_get _it, but it was clear by the way he'd just tried to explain away years of neglect as an innocent mistake or a mere run of bad luck told her clearly that he didn't.

"Scotty," she said, her voice and emotions back under her full control, at least for the moment, "there was never a good time."

He'd met her eyes then, looked directly into them, seeming to peer into her very soul, and she was startled to feel almost naked beneath his keenly perceptive gaze.

"You're tellin' me not once did you have fun with your mom? I mean, not once did you feel…some kinda love?" he continued, with just the slightest hint of disbelief, like he couldn't even begin to imagine a childhood without love, and since he couldn't imagine it, such a childhood must therefore not even exist. He tried to draw her out with his soft voice and his kind eyes, almost as though he was talking to the wounded child she had been instead of the hard-as-nails detective she was now. His eyes had been so soulful, so penetrating, that she'd been forced to turn her back to avoid them, to avoid _him_, to avoid having to talk about this anymore…and to avoid crushing the delicate flame of optimism she'd seen in him. Optimism was so rare in a cop, even rarer in Homicide, and Lilly Rush didn't want to be the one to snuff out Scotty's. Not on his third case. The job would take care of that soon enough, she knew, and if the job didn't…life would. His flame of optimism would flicker and die on its own, and she didn't have the heart to be the one to extinguish it.

Scotty was one of the lucky ones, she realized. One of the ones for whom life just seemed to fall into place, for whom everything came easily, and who couldn't even begin to imagine a childhood devoid of love, security, even the most basic necessities…and therefore he could never truly understand what she'd been through as a child.

She turned back around and took a deep breath, still avoiding those warm, coffee-colored eyes that tried their best to meet hers, to peer beneath the crumbled remnants of her carefully-built walls, and in doing so, Lilly suddenly forgot why it had been so important to make Scotty understand in the first place. What did it matter? They were co-workers. That was it. The vast, yawning canyon that split his childhood from hers had no bearing whatsoever on their ability to do their jobs.

"Maybe tomorrow we bring Rosie home, huh?" she suggested softly, then, without waiting for a reply, walked off into the night, leaving Scotty standing there on the sidewalk.

As she'd headed home, Lilly had hoped to forget about her conversation with Scotty, hoped to ignore the buried pain that had been resurfacing the whole time they'd been working on that damn case. Childhood, whatever it was for her, was over. She was an adult. She'd overcome, she'd risen above, she hadn't spoken to her mother in months and her sister in years. She was no longer the child she'd been…she was Detective Lilly Rush, Philadelphia Homicide, dammit.

So why the hell had what her partner said sent her into such a tailspin? Why had Scotty's words echoed around the chamber of her mind the entire trip home that frigid winter night?

_You're tellin' me not once did you have fun with your mom? I mean, not once did you feel…some kinda love?_

She'd tried to shove them out of her mind, tried to forget about them, tried to get back into the case. And it had been fairly easy, at least for the next couple of days. She and Scotty had been all business at work. To his credit, Valens had never once brought up their conversation, never even given so much as a glance to indicate that she'd spilled her guts to him.

But it turned out that he didn't have to say anything. Scotty had been right about Rosie all along. Rosie was one of the good ones, one who'd made mistakes, but cleaned up her act. Her daughter's death wasn't the result of maternal abuse or their bad neighborhood, but the fault of a despicable social worker. Rosie had leaped out the window with Toya in her arms to protect her from that bastard Mr. Freely. Fully intending to take her own life as well, the panicked, desperate Rosie had saved Toya the only way she knew how.

Even though Scotty hadn't said anything, however, his words from a few days earlier still echoed in Lilly's mind, still haunted her, still infuriated her as much as they would if he'd been standing there right there next to her, saying them again. Because, as she headed home after seeing Rosie off to start her new life, Lilly had been forced to admit that Scotty, damn him, had been right. There had been fun…there had been love. Not many times, but Lilly could remember one time as vividly as if it had been yesterday, and as the snow began to fall softly from the sky and nestle in her hair, Lilly had gone back to that place…

"_Look, Lilly, it's snowing!" Ellen called excitedly from the window._

"_It is?" Lilly exclaimed in childish surprise, scrambling off the couch, almost tripping over her own feet in her haste to get to the window. First snowfalls were magical, but this one…this one seemed extra-special. There was even more magic in the air this year. Her parents had stopped fighting quite so much, she'd been given a teddy bear for her birthday, and all was right with her world._

"_Look at that," Ellen had said, lifting Lilly up so she could see the snowflakes better. "It's just calling our names, inviting us out to play…wanna go build a snowman, Lilly?" she'd suggested impishly, and Lilly had agreed exuberantly._

_They'd bundled up against the cold, and her dad had been there with a camera to capture the fun. Lilly and Ellen had chased each other through the fluffy piles, thrown snowballs, built snowmen, and when they'd had more fun than they could handle, they collapsed into the snow and made snow angels. Lilly climbed on top of her mother then, and Ellen had wrapped her in a hug, kissed her cheek, and whispered endearments into Lilly's ear._

Of course, that was before. Lilly had no way of knowing that the peace between her mother and her father was temporary, that the fights would soon resume, even more vicious and terrifying than before, leaving Lilly cowering in her closet or under her bed. She had no way of knowing that, before a year was out, Lilly would have a new baby sister, and her father would be walking through that doorway without a backward glance, never to be seen again, leaving her mother to turn to the bottle, and to whichever man would have her, for comfort. The next year, when the first snow had come, Lilly had barely even noticed it. Christina was crying, and Lilly was desperately trying to wake her mother up so she could at least tell her what to do. In the end, Ellen hadn't awakened, and Lilly had come back into the kitchen to find Chris sitting in the floor, contentedly playing with her toes, grinning and drooling and acting like the entire thing had never happened. Lilly had glanced out the window, noticed the falling snow, and then with a sigh that spoke of far more age than a six-year-old should have, turned away and started opening the cabinets to see if, by some miracle, there was something to eat besides Spam and baby food. And those happy memories, over the years, instead of giving her comfort, had merely made Lilly all the more bitter. She'd tasted it…happiness…so why couldn't it ever stay with her?

Scotty had never understood her life, she knew. But, as she stroked Olivia's ears, Lilly realized, with a start, that she'd never really understood his, either. He hadn't talked much about his family, but the little he did say had spoken volumes. Lilly knew the love he had for his family, she'd known from nights when he'd begged out of interviews with her to go play poker with his brother, that his family was vastly different than hers. But, until that night…she'd never truly realized _how _different, never before been in the midst of a loving, functional family. Looking around his bedroom that night, Lilly saw Scotty's world: a world which, though certainly not wealthy, contained everything a little boy would need to grow up to be a difference-maker: love, support, warmth, food, necessities, a shoulder to cry on, a group of people who loved and cared for him just because he was their blood…_this _was why Scotty had never been able to understand what Lilly was talking about that night years ago. _This _was why, even though he'd managed to get more childhood stories out of her, she'd never sensed that he truly understood how horrible her growing-up years had been.

Not that Lilly had made it easy for him, she realized. On the one hand, she was desperate for him to understand just how bad she'd had it, how screwed up her childhood made her, how she'd all but given up on her own dreams of marriage and family long ago for fear that she'd merely perpetuate the cycle…but on the other hand, her instinct for self-preservation and keeping up appearances had made her extremely reluctant to share anything…even with Scotty. He was still, despite all that had happened with Elisa, one of the most optimistic people she'd ever met. His optimism had certainly taken a hit after Elisa's suicide, and she knew Scotty had his dark moments, his moments when he brooded silently; assuming the worst, blaming himself, refusing to hope…but she also knew that Scotty was a man of deep, intense feelings, and those dark moments were just his powerful emotions talking. In his natural state, Scotty Valens was an optimist, who believed that, if he just worked hard enough, just did the right things…then life would sort itself out as it should.

And, having met his family, seen his home, experienced the love the Valens clan had for one another, love so deep and generous that they had plenty extra to share with a blonde stranger…she understood, for the first time, why. Why Scotty could still believe that things worked out for the best, why he believed that doing the right thing always led to getting what you wanted. It was the way it had been for him. She hadn't imagined a thing. If anything, she'd underestimated how happy his family was.

Scotty wanted that for himself, she knew. That was what he and Elisa had dreamed about: a simple row house in a neighborhood full of kids; both sets of parents nearby, with aunts, uncles and cousins ready to greet the little ones they'd no doubt have had…adorable children with shimmering dark eyes and dimples, chattering in English and Spanish as they scampered down the street, shrieking with delight as their father chased them, caught them, and scooped them up in his arms, smothering them with kisses and words of affection, their mother watching lovingly from the doorway. And Scotty…he had every right to want those things…to dream them…because he could make them happen.

And, Lilly thought with a pang, Scotty deserved someone who could give him those things; who was healthy enough, who didn't carry the same kind of baggage she did, who wanted the same things he wanted. It wasn't that Lilly didn't want them, she realized; she'd just never dared to want them, because she figured that there was no way they could happen for her. Things like that just…_didn't_ happen for her.

But therein lay the problem, Lilly decided. Scotty didn't want just anyone.

He wanted her.

He wanted _her _to be the woman he spent his life with. He wanted _her _to be the mother of his children, he wanted that kind of loving, supportive, refuge from the rest of the world…with her. Oh, Scotty could insist that what they had was enough, he could pretend to be okay with her reluctance to even think about kids, knowing that her own pathetic example of a mother wouldn't serve her well when raising her own. But all she had to do was look at him when he was with his family to know how much a part of him those dreams really were. Lilly felt tears sting her eyes as she remembered the sheer joy on his face when Emilio had greeted them at the door, the tender adoration when he'd held that newborn baby girl, that mischievous gleam in his eyes when he'd chased the kids up the stairs, the peace and comfort he'd had the whole time he was home, being surrounded by the people who loved him unconditionally, just because he was _theirs._

But that love, that unconditional, generous, abundant love that characterized the Valens family, the very core of what Scotty wanted…Lilly had never had that. Though she longed for it, oh, how every fiber of her being had ached to reach out and grab it that night…she'd held back. It had to be a trick. This bunch of loud, affectionate strangers couldn't truly love her…not when her own mother had sold her up the river for a bottle of vodka. No matter what Lilly had done in life, no matter how good she was, no matter how hard she tried…her mother never loved her. Oh, she loved Christina…but never her. Lilly had never experienced the kind of love she'd been given a taste of that night. And that, she knew, was Scotty's true dream: to continue his family's tradition of warm, accepting, unconditional love. And he deserved that. Such a good man, a wonderful man, with a kind heart and the biggest capacity for love she'd ever seen in anyone…he deserved to have that dream come true.

For a brief moment, she considered setting him free. Free to find someone who could give him what he wanted, who could help give him the life he deserved. But she realized that would be ridiculous, not to mention devastatingly painful to them both. She was the love of his life, he'd told her, through words, through actions, through just the way he looked at her, for God's sake, and she knew he was the love of hers. He'd told her he couldn't take another broken heart, and Lilly knew she couldn't, either. So leaving…that definitely wasn't the answer. Not with the stabbing, heart-wrenching pain the very idea brought to her. She shivered and pulled Olivia into her lap, then felt a sense of firm resolve. She was in this. Being with Scotty…that was where she was meant to be.

But, as happy as he was just being with her, Lilly knew that Scotty wanted and needed more. If she were painfully, brutally honest with herself…she wanted more, too. And if he wanted more, with her…well…how could she deny him that?

On the other hand, Lilly wondered, with a sense of sheer bewilderment and the overwhelming, panicked frustration that came with having to meet impossibly high standards…how could _she, _of all people, whose experience with unconditional love consisted of one evening with a roomful of strangers…how could she even begin to give him that?

That gaping chasm between his childhood and hers, which had never presented a problem at work, suddenly seemed huge and impossible to bridge. She wanted to make his dreams come true, more than anything she'd ever wanted in her entire life…but she had no idea _how._

Tears threatened, yet again, but she fought them back, stretched out on the sofa, and soon fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Scotty's eyes fluttered open, and he stretched languidly and inhaled the fresh morning air filtering in through the open windows. Mornings were great, he thought. They just came too damn early.

Glancing over to check the clock, he realized he still had a few minutes before the alarm went off. Awake enough he didn't suppose he'd sleep through it, he shut off the alarm, grateful to be spared a morning of being yanked from pleasant dreams by unnaturally perky DJs insisting that it was a great day to be alive.

Cheesy though it was, Scotty realized, it _was _a great day to be alive. The air was fresh and clean, promising another unseasonably warm day, he'd gotten to spend an evening with his family, and…Lilly. Lilly had met his family. And she'd liked them. Oh, he'd known they'd love her from the moment she walked in, but he was curious as to how she'd respond to them. He knew she didn't have a large family, which was why he purposely omitted certain details about what was likely to occur at his grandmother's birthday. Scotty had figured that, had he told her there were likely to be nearly a hundred people crammed into his parents' townhouse, she'd have run for the hills. But, having been thrust into it, she'd adapted beautifully, and he couldn't have been more proud.

Sighing contently, Scotty started to roll over, deciding to let Lilly sleep for a few more minutes, then he'd awaken her with a kiss and a cup of coffee. But, while she was sleeping, there was nothing stopping him from gently taking her in his arms and just enjoying her, just...

Scotty froze as he turned fully over and realized that Lilly's half of the bed was empty. Empty…and cold. Not only had she gotten up before him, she'd gotten up _long _before him. Frowning with confusion, Scotty stumbled from the bed and peered around the corner. Maybe she'd just gotten up early and was working on the case. Maybe she'd gotten the munchies and was raiding his refrigerator.

"Lil?" he called softly, but didn't get an answer.

As he returned to the bedroom, he saw the scattered cards on the floor, along with various articles of his clothing.

_His _clothing, he realized, as he bent to retrieve his T-shirt. Not hers. Just his. Her clothes, which had also been scattered across the bedroom floor in the aftermath of their poker game, were nowhere to be found.

Scotty sighed as his suspicions were confirmed. Lilly had indeed skipped out early. He had no idea how early, and he had no idea why, but the icy fingers of dread were beginning to sneak into his soul and slowly choke out the joy he'd been feeling only a few moments before.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a note on the nightstand.

_Scotty,_

_Went in early to get a jump on the case. See you at work!_

_Love,_

_Lil_

Innocent enough, Scotty mused, as he tossed the note back where he'd found it and flipped the covers up over the bed. Lilly was known to go in to work early from time to time, when the thirst for justice made it impossible for her to stay in bed a moment longer, but she never just left a note. She'd always wake him up enough to kiss him goodbye, tell him she'd see him in a couple hours, and that the coffee was already made. She did that regardless of whether they were at his place or hers, and it was one of the thoughtful little things she did that made him adore her even more.

But this morning, he discovered upon a quick glance into the kitchen, there was no coffee. Not even a hint of it.

Which, Scotty realized, the knot in the pit of his stomach growing larger, meant that Lilly hadn't just left a few minutes ago. Far from it. If she hadn't even bothered to make coffee…that meant she'd left long before when she normally would to go in early and work on a case.

In fact…Scotty was suddenly certain that Lilly hadn't even slept at his place. She'd skipped out as soon as he'd fallen asleep, and left him that damn note to try and pull one over on him.

No, he insisted firmly, in an effort to stop himself from jumping to the worst possible conclusion. There had to be something else. There had to be some reason why she'd tell him she was going in early to work on the case when she wasn't. Had to be.

Despite the sick sense of fear rising in his chest, he forced his mind onto other topics as he finished gathering up his clothes and headed for the shower. There was a perfectly good explanation. Lilly wouldn't flat-out lie to him like that. Oh, sure, she'd pull one over on him in a game of poker, but…not in real life.

Or would she?


	8. With Or Without You

**A/N: I've got family stuff coming up, so it will likely be a week or so before the next update.**

**Disclaimer: Still not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight: With Or Without You**

Upon arriving at work, Lilly glanced furtively around the squad room and was relieved to see that Scotty had yet to come in. Oh, she'd hoped that she'd be able to think things through before daybreak, but that hadn't happened. If anything, the seemingly impossible nature of her current situation had made her even more disheartened than before, and she just wasn't ready to face him yet. Her plan was to find some interview to go on, with or without Jeffries, and get the hell out of there before Scotty showed up. Oh, she knew it wasn't exactly the most mature way to handle the situation, but, dammit, it was the best she could do after a night spent tossing and turning on the sofa, reliving her god-awful childhood.

But before she could even begin to think about work, about the case, about her getaway, she had to have some coffee, so she headed into the kitchen to fill her mug in hopes that some of that rocket fuel would wake her up enough to escape before Scotty arrived. So consumed was Lilly by the need to avoid him that she nearly ran smack into Vera, who was chortling with delight over the fact that Miller hadn't come in yet, and the donuts were ripe for the picking.

"Mornin', Lil," he greeted her cheerfully, grabbing a chocolate twirl, then glanced over in surprise when she responded with, well, more of a grunt than a greeting and a slight, cursory nod.

"What's eatin' you?" he asked as he bit into his donut, eyes bright with hope for some juicy morsel of gossip.

"Nothin'," Lilly replied, pouring coffee into her mug, hoping to avoid Vera's scrutinizing gaze. The last thing she needed was Nick Vera getting involved in…this.

Vera was suddenly deeply suspicious. "Trouble in paradise?" he asked, a bit apprehensively.

_Dammit. _"No," Lilly snapped, turning to head out of the kitchen before her colleague could interrogate her further.

"I ain't buyin' it, Rush," he retorted, forcing Lilly to grind to a halt and fix him with her fiercest glare. Surprisingly, he didn't even flinch. _Oh, crap, they're getting immune._

"Usually," Vera continued, a teasing grin spreading across his face, "you two come in here all happy, lookin' like you just--"

"Stop it," Lilly ordered, already feeling a blush creeping into her cheeks.

"But today," Vera continued, undeterred, "you come in lookin' all cranky, and Valens is nowhere to be seen. So…"

"So?" Lilly parroted.

"So…what the hell happened?" he asked, taking another large bite of donut.

"Nothin'," Lilly insisted, trying to push past him, but he used his considerable size to block the only means of exit, and she sighed in frustration.

Vera studied her intently, though she tried to avoid his eyes.

"Hmmm…" he mused, chewing thoughtfully. "You look more…scared than anything else. Not mad, really…so Valens didn't screw up and do somethin' stupid…at least, not as bad as usual…and you ain't sad, really…so…" He was silent for a minute, deep in thought, then erupted with a triumphant, "Aha!"

"What?" Lilly asked weakly, sensing that she was going to be forced to talk about this whether she wanted to or not.

"You met The Clan, didn't you," he concluded with certainty.

Despite her annoyance and her hurry to leave before she had to deal with Scotty, Lilly was forced to crack a smile.

"The Clan, huh?" she asked.

"I'm right, aren't I?" Vera replied, and Lilly paused, then reluctantly nodded. He'd only guessed part of it…and that part, she could talk about.

Vera took another bite of his donut, relieved to discover that, whatever the current drama between Valens and Rush was, it didn't seem insurmountable.

"Did his cousin Armadillo hit on you?" Vera asked knowingly.

"Yes," Lilly replied with a roll of her eyes.

"You meet Eduardo?" Vera continued. When Lilly nodded, he had to chuckle. "Next time you see him, say hello for me, will ya? That guy's somethin' else."

Lilly stared in disbelief, then the wheels in her head started turning.

"Vera…" she mused. "That's…an Italian last name, isn't it?"

Vera shrugged. "Think so," he replied, sipping his coffee. "But what the hell's that got to do with anything?"

"Nothin'," Lilly replied with a cryptic smile, then managed to squeeze by her colleague and head out to her desk. Within minutes, she'd found an address for the victim's ex-husband, who lived…oh, thank God… in a neighborhood that would take at least an hour for them to reach. She grabbed a surprised Jeffries, told him to clear his morning, and headed out.

* * *

Moments later, Scotty arrived, the knot of dread in the pit of his stomach having grown to a disturbing size over the course of the morning. Despite his efforts to avoid panicking or jumping to conclusions, he'd brooded about Lilly all through showering and dressing for work, and had developed the sneaking suspicion that her latest cut-and-run had to do with meeting his family. She hadn't run off for months, and for her to do that on the heels of taking the next step in their relationship, well…no way in hell was _that _a coincidence.

After grabbing some coffee, he took a quick look around the squad room. He could tell from the files scattered across Lilly's desk that she had, indeed, been in, but he wasn't surprised in the least to see that she was gone. Jeffries' desk looked the same, Scotty observed, so Lil must have taken him with her. With a sigh, Scotty sank heavily into his chair and started to review his notes from Saturday, hoping he was just blowing things out of proportion…because if he wasn't…

He didn't even want to think about that.

Oh, he'd been down this road before. He remembered the night it had all started, that balmy winter night in Nashville when alcohol had crumbled their carefully constructed walls and eroded professional boundaries, when he'd gotten one taste of Lilly and had been forever hooked, when he'd wanted more than anything to take advantage of the fact that they still had several hours before their flight home to explore things a bit further…

…but when he opened the bathroom door in that hotel room, he realized that, sometime in the twenty minutes or so he'd spent showering, dressing, and wondering how the hell to even approach Lilly, she'd gotten up, gotten dressed, and taken off, even going so far as to take an early flight back to Philly so she wouldn't have to talk to him. The entire week after their return, they really didn't speak at all except to fight, and that had attracted the attention of all their co-workers, especially Stillman, who'd called them into his office early one afternoon and ordered them to deal with whatever it was that had come between them. Scotty wondered bitterly whether, even now, he might still be in Lilly's deep freeze if he and Boss hadn't forced her to confront how she really felt about the whole thing.

But that hadn't been the only time Lilly had run away. A few weeks later, when she began to suspect that the others were figuring out their secret, she'd shut down and all but stopped talking to him. Once again, he'd had to chase her down and force the issue, and that had been the day when he'd told her he loved her, when he'd unintentionally poured out his heart to her on the sidewalk in front of Headquarters, and she'd taken it, glanced at it as though it were something horrifying and scary, and tossed it to the side as she turned around and practically sprinted away.

Scotty's heart sank as he realized that that whole disaster had also begun with her sneaking out of his apartment early one night, then finding reasons to be out of the office all day. He'd been caught between a rock and a hard place then; did he chase her down and risk scaring her off, or did he let her go and do nothing but sit and wait and hope to God she'd come back? He'd had mixed success with the former, but was pathologically incapable of the latter. He'd never quite figured out the best answer to this particular question, and here he was, facing it again. God_dammit._

Just then, Vera came in, donut in one hand, file in the other. He took one look at Scotty and chuckled softly.

"What the hell's so funny?" Scotty demanded.

"You," Vera replied, taking a bite of his third donut. "You're either a neon sign that you got laid, or you're sittin' around broodin' about somethin'. Ain't no middle ground with you."

Scotty glanced up then and gave Vera a withering look, a look that made him jump slightly despite himself. Only one place Valens could have picked up a look like that. This partnership-with-Miller thing was really starting to get creepy.

"Don't you have anything to do?" Scotty asked pointedly.

"Did it already," Vera replied triumphantly, slapping a file on Scotty's desk. "Found the ex-boyfriend."

"No kiddin'," Scotty remarked, suddenly welcoming the work-related reprieve. Ex-boyfriends always made for fascinating interviews. Often, the guy turned out to be the doer, and even if he didn't, he always had some light to shed. Scotty began to flip through the file, glancing at Vera's scribbled notes and learning that Dr. Josh Green, professor of archaeology, had been unceremoniously dumped by the victim not long before her death. Definitely a possible motive.

Vera turned to leave, and Scotty paused, the wheels in his head suddenly starting to turn. He wasn't at all surprised that Vera had noticed his dark mood that morning, but for him to not even _ask _about it? No way. Nick Vera wasn't content to merely observe, particularly when it came to something personal. So, either Vera had inexplicably decided to let sleeping dogs lie…or he'd talked to Lilly already that morning.

"You, uh…seen Lil today?" Scotty asked without bothering to look up from the notes, hoping his tone was casual enough to escape questions from Vera.

_There it is, _Vera mused delightedly. He knew Scotty Valens well enough to know that the questions his colleague was dying to ask would eventually come out. Oh, sure, it might take a while, but he'd always ask them. Always.

Eyes twinkling with mischief, Vera turned back to face Scotty. "As a matter of fact," he replied, far more nonchalantly than Valens had managed, "I have."

"Good," Scotty replied, stemming the tide of curiosity that threatened to rush forth and drown them all. If Vera had even an inkling of how worried he was…God, he'd never hear the end of it.

Vera chuckled, then decided to impart a tiny morsel of knowledge…dangle a carrot, see what Valens did with it.

"She even talked to me," he added casually, taking another bite of donut. "And it wasn't about the case."

Unable to feign interest in work any longer, Scotty looked up and glared at Vera. "Feel like tellin' me what she said?"

Vera smiled gleefully and choked back a laugh. "So it's come to this," he mused aloud. "_I'm_ the go-between. _I'm_ the one who communicates with the girl for _you_. What the hell is this, sixth grade?"

"Dammit, Nick!" Scotty exploded. "This is serious!"

Vera couldn't fight the laughter anymore. "Damn right it's serious," he agreed. "It's about _you_."

"Vera, I swear to God…" Scotty began, his voice low and full of warning.

"Man, all I gotta say to you is that if you're dumb enough to introduce Lil to your entire family all at once without even warnin' her about Cousin Armadillo…dude, you deserve whatever happens to you," Vera replied, then, without waiting for a response from Scotty, popped the last of donut into his mouth and chuckled as he walked away.

Scotty let out an exasperated sigh. So it _was _about his family. Goddammit. He _knew _it. He knew he should have started slowly, he knew he should have maybe had her over to dinner at Mike's one night, then introduced her to his parents, and then, gradually, everyone else. He knew he'd find a new and different way to screw this all up. In frustration, he pounded the desk softly with his fist. He _knew _it. With another sigh, he rubbed the heels of his hands against his forehead briefly, then folded them and rested his chin on top, staring off into space as he tried to figure out a way to undo this mess.

"You okay, there, Scotty?" a voice asked, and Scotty jumped slightly. How the hell had Boss managed to sneak up on him?

"Yeah…fine," he lied, trying to look busy.

"You, uh…get that file Nicky had for you?" Stillman asked as he studied Scotty carefully. His usually happy detective just…_wasn't_…today. Stillman had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with Rush, but it'd be a cold day in Hell before he got involved in that. That was definitely, _definitely _not in his job description.

"Yeah," Scotty replied, looking up at Stillman with what he hoped was professional eagerness. "Looks like she dumped this guy when he was at a low point in his life. Might be pretty good motive."

"Well, he just came in. Why don't you go have a chat with him?" Stillman suggested.

"I'm on it," Scotty replied gratefully as he rose from his seat. Anything, _anything _to distract him from the increasing likelihood that he'd taken the best goddamn thing to ever happen to him and screwed it up. Again.

* * *

"Mornin', Dr. Green," Scotty greeted the tall, lanky, melancholy-looking man sitting at the table.

"Hi," Josh Green responded glumly.

Scotty glanced up in alarm and consulted the notes. This guy…surely…couldn't still be this depressed about a woman who'd broken up with him four years ago. Could he? A look at the dejection in the man's dark eyes told him that, yes, in fact, he could.

"I think Detective Vera mighta told you we're lookin' into the death of your ex-girlfriend," Scotty began, sitting down across from Josh.

"My ex-girlfriend's not dead," Josh replied.

"This says otherwise," Scotty retorted, plopping Janet Finklestein's death certificate down in front of him.

"Oh…her," Josh mumbled in recollection.

"Yeah. Her." Scotty snapped. "You wanna tell me about her?"

"She wasn't…she wasn't anything to me, Detective," Josh protested.

"You sure about that?" Scotty pressed. "It says here she dumped you. Now, my girlfriend dumps me, I can't say I'd take it too well, especially if I didn't see it comin'." A stab of bitterness pierced his soul as he realized he may very well be in Josh Green's shoes before the day was out.

Josh sighed. "Look, I dunno what Detective Vera led you to believe about our relationship, but Janet and I were…just a fling. She meant nothing to me."

"Go on," Scotty pressed, sensing that there was far more to the story.

"She was a rebound," Josh continued. "My friends all told me to stay away from her…she wasn't good for me…they all hated her anyway…she was my friend Charlie's ex-girlfriend…lots of reasons. And…I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but…she was…kinda whiny. Annoying."

Scotty frowned. "Annoyin' how?" he asked.

"She had this…_laugh_," Josh answered, shuddering slightly.

"Okay," Scotty continued, staring at Josh quizzically.

Josh ran a hand through his hair. "Look, Detective, you gotta understand I wasn't in my right mind when I went out with Janet. I'd just…" he stopped and sighed. "I've been divorced three times. Three failed marriages. Three times, I've thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with some woman, and three times, I've had to re-adjust my dreams for the future. You got any idea what that's like?"

_Well, shit_, Scotty muttered inwardly. _So much for buryin' myself in the case._

"Some," he answered noncommittally.

"So you know, then," Josh replied earnestly. "You know what it's like to fall in love with someone and do somethin' stupid to screw it all up."

_Seriously? I'm doin' this interview? Today? Somebody's sure as hell got a warped sense of humor_.

"More than I wanna admit," Scotty replied with a rueful smile.

"Well, I met Janet right after my third divorce," Josh explained, visibly relaxing just a bit. "And that one…that one hurt the most. I got drunk and married my best friend in Vegas…my best friend, who was also my ex-girlfriend, who was also the girl I'd been in love with since high school. We finally got together a few years ago, but then we had a fight, and I slept with someone else…I thought we were on a break, she thought it was cheating…we tried to get back together, but it didn't work. And then I accidentally said her name at my wedding, and that's why my second marriage fell apart…and then _we _got married…but Rebecca wanted out of it, 'cause she wasn't in love with me anymore, but I stalled, 'cause I just couldn't handle three divorces. It's gonna be on my grave, Detective. Three divorces. So I finally signed the papers, and we went our separate ways, except now we have a baby together…I love her, but I'm not sure I've got it in me to do the roller-coaster anymore, y'know?"

Scotty was reeling, both with the onslaught of this unfortunate man's convoluted back story, and with the stabbing sensation in his soul that he always got when a case hit far too close to home. Roller-coaster. Up and down, around and around, until he was nauseous and dizzy. Not that…not again.

He forced his mind off his personal life and back to the matter at hand. "So…Janet…she was just a fling?"

Josh chuckled ruefully. "You wanna know why she dumped me? She said _I _was too whiny."

"So you're sure you didn't have any…hard feelin's about that?" Scotty pressed, knowing before Josh opened his mouth what the answer would be.

"God, no," Josh replied. "In fact, she's what got me out of my funk after the divorce."

"Yeah?" Scotty asked.

"Yeah," Josh answered eagerly. "If Janet didn't wanna be with me, then what the hell hope did I have of getting Rebecca back? So I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and went on with my life. And Rebecca…I dunno what's gonna happen with her, but she'll always have my heart."

Scotty sighed. This man was clearly not the doer. If this Rebecca person had turned up dead? Totally. But Janet Finklestein wasn't even a blip on his radar anymore.

"Can you think of anyone else who might have it out for Janet?" he asked.

"She irritated a lot of people," Josh replied slowly, "but I can't think of anyone who actually hated her enough to kill her…except…"

Scotty pounced on that last word. "Except?"

"Except…maybe Johnny Romano. Charlie's old roommate. He really, really hated her," Josh supplied reluctantly. "But I'd hate to think--"

"Maybe he snapped out," Scotty theorized with a shrug as he rose from the table, suddenly ready to be rid of this lovelorn possible future version of himself. "Been known to happen. Anyway, thanks for comin' in."

Without waiting for a reply, he left the interview room, dropped the file on his desk, and headed straight for the balcony, where he leaned against the railing and began to process his rapidly swirling thoughts.

_I love her, but I'm not sure I've got it in me to do the roller-coaster anymore._

With a sigh, Scotty remembered the day he himself had uttered those words. It had been in a conversation with his mother, shortly after Elisa had gone back to the hospital for what proved to be the final time. That had been the week following one of the worst days of his life.

Elisa had been doing well. Remarkably well, actually. They were together, they were happy…her head was quiet, she said. The good days came closer and closer together, and on the bad days, she was just moody, a little more tired than usual, a bit weepy sometimes, but nothing like what had happened before. Things, it seemed, were finally looking up. The meds were working. Maybe…just maybe…they could start talking about the future again.

But one day, she hadn't called him at the usual time, and Scotty knew something was wrong. Elisa always called at 9:00 on the dot, so when 9:07 rolled around and she still hadn't called, he'd felt the icy fingers of panic beginning to wrap themselves around his heart. Once she did call, though, he'd banished his worried thoughts. She hadn't called at 9:00 on the dot, but she'd called. She'd insisted she was fine, and he tried his best to concentrate on the case and not allow himself to assume the worst. She was fine. They were fine. Everything was fine.

And then…she called again. She never called him a second time, not unless something was wrong. And something was wrong. Very, very wrong. She sounded distant…faraway. Like she'd called him, but couldn't remember who she'd called, or why. She muttered something about normal, though he couldn't make out what, and then the line went dead, and panic like he'd never known had flooded through him in waves. He muttered half-hearted apologies to Lilly and Stillman, but they'd both told him to just go, so he went.

He made a beeline for her apartment and charged in, but pulled up short when he saw the Cheerios scattered all over the floor. Elisa wasn't the neatest person in the world, her apartment was usually on the cluttered side, but it was always warm, cheerful, and relatively clean. His first thought, when he saw those scattered Cheerios, was that perhaps she'd been abducted. She'd always been so sweet, so trusting…that was one of the things he loved most about her, and one of the things that scared him to death, even before she got sick. Scotty knew first-hand the evil that was out there, and though he tried his best, he knew he couldn't stop everyone. And Elisa would go willingly with anyone who smiled at her just right, especially on her bad days, and this, he was rapidly beginning to realize, was a very bad day.

He raced through her apartment, calling her name, his stomach knotting with fear the further in he went. The TV was still on, to some cartoon, which would have puzzled him had he stopped to think about it. Elisa hated cartoons. Something about drawn images that came to life had always given her the creeps.

It wasn't until he reached her bathroom that he realized the truth, the truth he'd been trying desperately to escape, but had always known would catch up with him eventually, no matter how fast he ran.

_THE GIANTS CAME BACK._

She'd scrawled that in blue marker on the full-length mirror she'd hung on her bathroom door, and Scotty knew then that she'd forgotten her meds, and her giants had returned. He wasn't there to comfort her, so she'd panicked and run away. Somewhere. Where? He didn't know.

Fighting fear and frustration, he jumped in the car and drove around in a nearly hysterical frenzy for the remainder of the day, until night fell and he still couldn't find her. Suddenly, it occurred to him that maybe she'd be at Headquarters. Maybe she'd called in, or maybe whoever had found her had called. He'd given her his card, so even if she hadn't had the presence of mind to call herself, perhaps some kind soul would have seen the card and taken her to the office. Maybe, he thought, with a wild surge of optimism as he turned the car back toward Headquarters…maybe she'd be sitting there in the squad room waiting for him, medicated, in her right mind, and gently chiding him for being such a worrywart.

Hope momentarily beat out the fear, and he'd bypassed the elevator, sprinting up the stairs to the squad room, but a quick glance around had dashed that hope. She wasn't there. None of the squad was there. The only person he saw was Stillman.

"Scotty, is she okay?" Stillman asked with concern.

Scotty looked the boss in the eyes, but he was so panic-stricken and out of breath that he could barely form words. "She's…gone," he finally managed.

"What?" Stillman asked in disbelief.

Scotty's desperation unleashed itself in a frantic, breathless explanation, his words wriggling their way around the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. "She--she's not anywhere, not any of the places she usually goes when she gets…y'know, like this…the library, the park, her sister's, all day I'm drivin', I can't find her, I—"

"Scotty," Stillman interrupted, gently taking him by the elbow, "call it in, get some help."

"I can't call it in," he protested, his voice wavering, "they'll make her go back, and I promised her she'd never have to go back, I promised her--I can't do that to her." He couldn't break another promise to her. To her parents. He'd seen how miserable Elisa was in that damn hospital. Being there, away from him…he saw how dull and lifeless she looked until her eyes met his, and then they lit up, like her old self, even at her most heavily medicated. Leaving her there after his visits was gut-wrenchingly painful…when he wasn't there, he couldn't take care of her, and those so-called experts didn't _know_ her. They didn't know that the best way to calm her down was to hold her tight and stroke her hair. They didn't know she needed to sleep facing a window, with a light left on. They didn't know that a mug of hot cocoa never failed to cheer her up. They didn't know anything, and they sure as hell didn't love her like he did. So he couldn't make her go back. Not again.

Stillman said something to him about how it would be all right, but Scotty wasn't even listening. He was wondering, as he often did on her bad days, on the days she felt so good she decided she didn't need the meds anymore, how the hell things managed to get so damn complicated, when they'd started out so pure and simple. Where the hell had it all gone wrong?

"Playin' stickball on my block," he reminisced. "That's the first time I seen her. Fourteen years old." He trailed off, lost in a thicket of memories. "Man," he whispered, realizing just how long ago that August night had been, when it seemed like yesterday. "Just kickin' it, on a hot summer night." He laughed then, a nervous, bitter chuckle, the sort of laugh he hoped would hide just how close to tears he really was. He took a deep breath and blew it out in an effort to pull himself together.

"That's the only place Elisa ever felt…normal, y'know?" he asked, but the question was rhetorical. Stillman wouldn't know. He couldn't know. And suddenly, that didn't matter…because Scotty now had some idea where Elisa might be.

"I gotta find her," he repeated. He stood frozen to the spot for a moment, still catching his breath, gathering his strength to renew the search, then turned abruptly and headed back out. He had to find her. He had to fix her. He had to save her.

And sure enough, he'd found her in that exact place, sitting on the porch steps on their old block. She'd insisted she'd taken her meds, and Scotty knew from the look in her eyes that she was telling him the truth. He doggedly insisted they'd just get stronger ones, but she was having none of that.

She thought she'd go stay at her sister's for a while, she said, and they both knew what that meant. Lidia had long believed that the hospital was the best place for Elisa, and she never waited more than a day or two before taking her back there. She and Scotty had gone round after round about that, him insisting he could take care of Elisa, he could watch out for her, his love was enough, and Lidia arguing that Elisa needed care that Scotty, no matter how good his intentions, simply couldn't provide.

Seeing Elisa all but give up that night, essentially tell him that the hospital was where she wanted to be…that had finally shattered his long-cherished illusions that he could fix her, that he could save her, and he spent what seemed like an eternity sobbing in Elisa's lap at this realization. Finally, his grief spent, he'd pulled himself together and taken her to her Lidia's, flatly explained what was going on, and then headed home and collapsed. Completely exhausted, he'd slept until well into the next afternoon, though thankfully, it had been a Saturday, so he hadn't had to explain yet another absence to his co-workers.

He'd been awakened that afternoon by a phone call from Lidia, who, unsurprisingly, told him she'd taken Elisa back to the hospital, and he'd been too numb, too emotionally drained, to even begin to be upset about it. It was for the best, he finally realized, it was where Elisa needed to be. He just hoped to God she didn't hate him for it.

Someone needed to clean up her apartment, Lidia had said. Pack up her things, bring her some clothes, store her belongings until she got out. Lidia didn't have room, and Rosalia was due with her second baby any day, and her house was packed to the gills as it was.

He'd take some of it, he said. He'd store what he could at his place, and take the rest to his mother's. And so Scotty, grateful that he could finally do _something_, headed back over to Elisa's apartment, cleaned up, filled a few boxes, and then, and with an almost heartbreaking sense of finality, gently wiped her message off the mirror, wishing that erasing the giants themselves would have been so effortless.

_The giants came back._

The giants…that's what she called her hallucinations. They came at the oddest times. The first time had been early one morning, when he came in from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, and as he handed it to her, she shrieked and dropped the coffee mug. He served her coffee in cardboard cups after that, and he learned not to give her anything too hot. She'd scalded herself that first morning, and he'd hated himself for weeks afterward.

Sometimes, she'd see them in her dreams. She and Scotty would be sleeping blissfully, and the next thing he'd know, she'd be sitting upright in bed screaming for him, tearfully begging him to make the giants go away, and there was no way to measure how desperately Scotty wished he could. Countless times, in his own dreams, he'd chased the giants away, driven them over the edge of a cliff to drown in the sea so they'd never, ever come back to haunt Elisa again. And he'd wake up satisfied, feeling like a million bucks…until reality set in and he looked over at the dark-haired beauty sleeping next to him and knew that the war wasn't over, not really, and that the moment she woke up, the battle would begin anew.

Each battle, each bad day, had taken more out of him than he cared to admit. He'd finally come to the realization, after a conversation with his mother, that he just didn't have it in him to fight anymore. It had been the most painful, difficult thing he'd ever had to admit in his entire life, yet it had resonated. It was true. It was horrible, but it was true.

His mother had tried to reassure him, telling him that recognizing his limitations wasn't a sign of weakness, it was a sign of maturity, of strength. You're growing up, Scotty, she'd told him, but those words had gone in one ear and out another. The only thing he knew was that he was about to break his promise to Elisa. That promise he'd made that he'd always be there for her, no matter what.

She'd made it easy for him, though. Well, not easy…but as easy as something like that could possibly be. When he broke the news that he just couldn't go round and round with her anymore, she nodded, almost as though she'd known his words were coming. And, in fact, she had. She'd been thinking about it too, she said, and he was right…they didn't have a future together. She wasn't going to get better, the meds weren't working, there was nothing they could do for her, she'd be in and out of the hospital for the rest of her life. All they could hope for was occasional good days, and Elisa told him, through tear-filled eyes, that that wasn't enough for him, and she knew it. He had his whole life ahead of him, and he deserved someone who could make him happy, she said, in a choked, tremulous voice. Someone who'd have all good days.

_I don't care what kinda days they are, _Scotty's aching heart had protested plaintively as tears had begun to sting his own eyes. _I just wanna spend 'em with you. One good day with you is better than a thousand with anyone else. _

But his head had won out. It had to, if he had any hope of getting off the roller coaster. So, fighting every urge he had to just wrap Elisa in his arms and make more promises he couldn't keep, he quietly agreed with her. Then, before he could break down completely, he kissed her on the forehead and hurried out, trying with all his might to ignore the way she'd cried softly and clung to his hand as though it were her lifeline.

Scotty sighed, suddenly almost dizzy from just thinking about that time in his life. He hadn't even thought about Elisa for quite a while, not in any depth, anyway. Lil had a way of making him forget about…well…everything. Making him forget that he'd fallen desperately in love with a woman who couldn't be saved, with a woman whose giants blocked his every move, constantly foiled his efforts, perpetually interfered with the happy life they'd planned together…

_Son of a bitch._

Scotty dropped his head into his hands as the truth slammed into him like a truck. He'd thought he was describing Elisa…but he may as well have been talking about Lilly. Oh, sure, she didn't have the same kinds of giants Elisa did…but they were giants just the same. He wasn't sure what they were, couldn't name them if his life depended on it…but they made Lilly run away just like they'd chased Elisa from her apartment. And, he realized with a bitter chuckle…he was no more equipped to fight Lilly's giants than he had been Elisa's.

So…was this how it was going to be with Lil? Fine for a while, then…not fine? Waking up in the morning never knowing whether it would be a good day or a bad one? Up and down, in and out, around and around and around?

It was a question he suddenly realized he didn't even want to begin to think about. He'd done enough painful musing for one day, and hell, it was only lunchtime. As if to illustrate this point, his stomach growled, and Scotty decided that any more thinking was useless…at least, useless until he got something to eat. Sighing heavily and squaring his shoulders, he silenced his runaway thoughts and headed back into the squad room to see if Vera wanted to go hunt down a cheesesteak.


	9. Don't Give Up

**Disclaimer: Recent time with the family was wonderful, but unfortunately, got me no closer to owning these characters.**

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Don't Give Up**

Scotty and Vera headed back into the squad room, fresh, piping-hot cheesesteaks in hand. Vera had already downed half of his before they even got back to the office, but Scotty, even though he was famished, wasn't going to take a bite. Not yet. Not until that cheesesteak was perfect. And he knew just how to make it so.

Vera plopped the remainder of his sandwich down on the table in the break room and then turned around to grab a Coke out of the fridge. In doing so, he saw Scotty stretching up to the top shelf to retrieve that can of Cheez Whiz he kept hidden there. Scotty's insistence on hiding it had always puzzled Vera, since nobody else in the squad would even go near the stuff. Oh, sure, if they were hungry enough, they'd all eat just about anything, but Cheese-In –A-Spray-Can was something only Valens would touch.

Highly amused, Vera smiled and shook his head as the pressurized hiss of Cheez Whiz permeated the air. Longer than usual, he couldn't help but notice. Valens must really be going to town on that cheesesteak of his. Vera glanced over at Scotty's sandwich and chuckled to himself. It had to still be about Rush, he decided, but he wasn't worried. There was very little a chick could do to a guy that couldn't be helped by a decent serving of junk food.

"Gettin' chilly out there," Jeffries remarked as he headed into the kitchen to refill his coffee mug, then stopped short and rolled his eyes when he discovered that the formerly beautiful cheesesteak Scotty held in his hand was practically invisible underneath a layer of artificially-produced, aerosol-propelled… _cheez_.

"You'd think after five years we'd have cured you of that," he commented drily.

"What?" Scotty challenged, noticing his colleagues both staring at his lunch as though it were radioactive.

"That's disgusting," Vera announced around a mouthful of his own sandwich.

Jeffries cast another disdainful glance at Scotty's cheesesteak. "It's a sacrilege," he declared.

"It's good," Scotty insisted, taking a huge bite just to spite them. He was in no mood to have his food preferences criticized by his co-workers. So what if his parents owned the best Cuban deli in all of Philadelphia? That didn't mean a guy couldn't indulge in a little American junk food every now and then. And besides, Cheez Whiz was God's gift to the Philly cheesesteak…even the mayor said so at one point. Wasn't his fault his idiot colleagues were unenlightened, he decided, chewing defiantly.

"You're makin' me sick just watchin' you," Jeffries continued, with a sad shake of his head. "That beautiful Philly icon drowned in a river of artificial cheese."

"Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it," Scotty insisted around his mouthful, holding out his sandwich to Jeffries.

Jeffries backed away and raised his hands in self-defense. "Good thing I already ate."

"C'mon," Scotty insisted, taking a step toward Jeffries.

"You get that thing away from me," Jeffries ordered.

"Yeah, you're almost makin' me lose _my _appetite," Vera added.

"That'd be a firsht," Kat announced as she arrived in the kitchen and shrugged out of her coat at the exact moment Vera popped the rest of the sandwich into his mouth. His colleagues stopped their cheesesteak bickering long enough to glance at him pointedly.

"I said _almost_," he reminded them, wadding up the paper wrapper and tossing it into the trash can, then turned to grin in Kat's direction.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," he proclaimed cheerfully.

"Very funny, Fatassh," Kat replied, sinking heavily into a chair across from Vera.

"You okay there?" Jeffries asked, eyeing her quizzically.

Kat shot him a glare. "I had to take my losht hours and shpend them at the goddamn dentisht. Two fillingsh. Shtill numb. God_dammit_," she griped.

"That's what happens when you eat too many donuts!" Vera chortled gleefully, ignoring the absolutely homicidal glare with which Kat was attempting to level him.

"What happens when you eat too many donuts?" Lilly asked with a curious smile as she arrived in the kitchen. When she saw Scotty, though, her smile froze and she stopped dead in her tracks. Quickly, she tried to gauge his mood, but he was deeply engrossed in his lunch, his back turned as he ate over the counter, and the only sound she could hear was the sound of meat chunks and artificial cheese plopping rapidly onto the paper wrapper, followed quickly by a half-whispered epithet, although whether it was due to her arrival or the fact that half his sandwich had just jumped ship was still a mystery.

"Fillingsh," Kat replied bitterly, too wrapped up in her own misery to notice the chill that had come over the kitchen area.

Meanwhile, Lilly's arrival had startled Scotty, making him jump just enough to cause half of his sandwich to slop out onto the wrapper. Dammit. He should have known that, since Jeffries was back, that meant Lilly was back, too, and Scotty had a sneaking suspicion that she wasn't going to be all friendly and flirty like usual. He was suddenly grateful for his messy sandwich, using the more pressing task of scooping the fillings back onto the bun to avoid looking in Lilly's direction for a few more seconds.

"How's everyone's morning?" Lilly asked casually, carefully stepping around Scotty to get to the coffee maker. Suddenly annoyed, he took an exaggerated step sideways and made a sweeping gesture with his arm before returning to his travesty of a sandwich. The others looked up and exchanged glances.

"Great," Vera replied, seemingly unaware of the silent drama unfolding behind him. "Valens got to talk to the ex-boyfriend."

"Which one?" Jeffries inquired, and everyone looked up in surprise, tension momentarily forgotten.

"There'sh more than one?" Kat asked, silently cursing the lingering anesthesia and the fact that she'd missed the entire goddamn morning.

Lilly blinked at Vera in confusion. "Apparently," she answered. "Who'd you talk to?"

"Ask Mr. Cheez Whiz over there," Vera replied without looking up. "He did the interview."

_Oh, no, _Lilly thought. _Not here…not now…I'm not ready to deal with him yet…_ She glanced around the room to see her colleagues looking quizzically at each other. Dammit. She couldn't…_they _couldn't…not now. There was no possible way she was going to drag her personal drama into this. She wasn't even close to being ready to deal with what had transpired the previous evening, much less tell anyone else about it. Composing her face into an expressionless mask, she leaned coolly against the counter and, heart pounding, turned to look at Scotty, who had finished gathering up the fallen meat and was taking another bite of his…_oh, God, not the Cheez Whiz again._

Scotty froze, mid-bite, as he felt the anger starting to flare in the center of his chest. The Ice Queen look. The fucking Ice Queen look. The one that somehow never failed to make his blood boil. Goddammit. Lilly was turning its full force on him for the first time in months, and she only did that when she was mad at him. And what the hell had he done this time? All he'd done was what any normal person in a healthy, functional relationship with someone they loved would do: introduce her to his family. God_dammit_.

But he wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of knowing that he was upset. He could play it cool, just like she could. Oh, sure, he didn't have the Ice Queen look, but he did have a pretty good poker face. He'd even stumped her a few times the night before. Calling on every acting skill he possessed, he fixed her with a similarly expressionless stare.

"Josh Green, this archaeology prof. But he ain't the doer," he informed the group as he licked the leftover Cheez Whiz from his fingers, ignoring the disgusted look Jeffries shot him. "Janet was just a fling for him to get over someone else." At that, he glanced briefly at Lilly, then casually popped the rest of his sandwich into his mouth.

"Well," Lilly began, a touch uncomfortably, "We talked to the ex-husband this morning…he suggested that we talk to…apparently another ex-boyfriend. Charlie Banks." She couldn't help the awkward glance she cast Scotty. "Supposedly they were…on-again, off-again for quite a while."

_GodDAMMIT. ANOTHER on-again off-again relationship? What the hell? _Scotty fumed, but remained outwardly professional.

"Well, my guy said to talk to Charlie's old roommate," Scotty added nonchalantly.

"Guess somebody oughta take care of that," Jeffries commented, glancing from Lilly to Scotty. Something was definitely, _definitely _going on. Again. He sighed quietly.

"I'll go talk to the roommate," Lilly said quickly, gathering up her coat.

"With you on that," Kat replied as she got up from the table. "After shpendin' all morning in that damn chair, I'm ready to kick some doer assh."

Vera sputtered with laughter, but Jeffries silenced him with a look. One couple drama per day was enough, thank you.

* * *

The car trip to Johnny Romano's place was mercifully quiet, with only the radio to distract the two women. Kat, still feeling a few of the aftereffects of her morning encounter with dental care, didn't feel much like talking. Instead, she sat in the passenger seat, silently glowering out the window and cursing to Hell and back the fact that she'd had to spend her precious lost hours in the damn dentist's chair getting drilled, filled, and then billed for the privilege.

Lilly glanced over at the sulking Kat and sighed inwardly with relief. Her colleague was so wrapped up in her own aggravation that she didn't seem to be even dimly aware of Lilly's. Lilly had to admit, she was apprehensive when Kat had volunteered to come on the interview with her. Of her colleagues, Kat was perhaps the most perceptive, and if _Vera _had been able to figure out what was wrong, well….obviously Lilly needed to do a better job of separating the personal from the professional. And she could tell from the way Jeffries had cast concerned glances toward her all morning that he, too, knew something was bothering her, but, mercifully, he hadn't asked her about it. Mercy was surrounding her that day, she decided, recalling how the interview with Janet's ex-husband had taken longer than she'd thought it would. She'd been grateful for the delay, and even more grateful for Jeffries' suggestion that they have lunch at a small barbecue joint he knew about instead of heading back to Headquarters and grabbing a hot dog off the cart like they usually did. Their conversation the entire morning had been strictly professional, as though her partner had simply known she needed some time to sort things out. Lilly simply adored that particular trait of Will Jeffries. She knew by the look in his eyes that he cared, but he never pushed her to talk when he could tell she wasn't ready.

When she was certain she could once again be casual and professional, Lilly stole a glance at Kat. "How's your mouth feelin'?" she ventured lightly.

"Startin' to hurt," Kat replied matter-of-factly, with a rueful smile, "but at least I don't sound like a twelve-year-old who just got braces."

Pulling up to the curb, Lilly chuckled despite herself. "That's good," she replied as they exited the car and headed up the sidewalk to Johnny's apartment.

The door was answered by a cheerful-looking man with sparkling dark eyes and a toothy, dimpled smile, who looked briefly surprised to see two female detectives, but quickly recovered and ushered them in with a wink and a jovially flirtatious "How _you _doin'?"

Kat rolled her eyes, but couldn't suppress her slight smile as she glanced at Lilly. However, she was surprised to see that her colleague had turned even paler than normal, and a spark of something that looked suspiciously like fear had flickered in Lilly's blue eyes before being replaced by her trademark cool professionalism.

_What the hell was that about? _Kat mused. Lilly had been hit on many, many times that Kat knew about, by people far sleazier, creepier, and lower on the food chain than this knucklehead. What Johnny had done could only barely be called flirting, and it definitely wasn't creepy or disrespectful. Not offensive in the least…instead, it was…friendly. Convivial. Even a little bit charming, albeit in an odd sort of way.

They sat down on Johnny's couch, Lilly pointedly choosing the seat furthest from their subject, and began to chat with him. He proved to be an entertaining interview, Kat decided. Certainly not the brightest crayon in the box, but nice enough. He freely admitted to hating Janet Finklestein with a fiery passion…her voice, her laugh, her taste in clothes, her tendency to be in their apartment constantly whenever she and Charlie were dating…but Johnny protested that he tried to like her. One day, he said, he even spent the entire day with Janet in an effort to figure out what Charlie liked about her. There had to be something, he reasoned, since the normally smart and selective Charlie couldn't quite seem to ever make a clean break with her. Johnny and Janet had gone to a Phillies game, taken in a carnival, even seen a movie together. But it was no use. Even after a day of trying, and trying hard…he still couldn't stomach the woman.

Johnny insisted, however, that he didn't hate Janet enough to take her life. He wanted her to go away and leave Charlie alone, sure, but Charlie was his best friend, and he'd never, ever do that to him. Besides, he pointed out, he was auditioning for a spot in a toothpaste commercial when Janet was killed, and although he didn't get the part, he explained as he fished through a drawer for the phone number, he was positive that the director would remember him.

"Would you forget this smile?" he asked Lilly, grinning toothily at her, but Lilly merely fixed him with her trademark icy stare. Kat almost found herself feeling bad for the guy, especially when a phone call to the director on the way back to the office determined that Johnny Romano definitely wasn't the doer. The alibi checked out; the director had indeed remembered Johnny: he was the idiot who could barely read the script.

Chuckling softly to herself, Kat flipped the phone closed and turned to Lilly, who stared straight ahead at the road in front of her, staring fiercely at the windshield wipers as they slowly swished back and forth to clear away the light drizzle that had begun to fall.

"Alibi checks out," she informed her colleague. "He really was gettin' turned down for a toothpaste ad."

Lilly nodded slightly, but didn't say anything, or even react, really. Not one to give up easily, Kat decided to press her.

"You realize I'm doin' you a favor, lettin' you drive," she remarked.

"Didn't have a choice," Lilly replied matter-of-factly. "You were still drugged up."

"I _told _them not to do it," Kat fumed.

"You asked for no anesthesia?" Lilly asked somewhat incredulously. "For two fillings?"

"I've been shot," Kat explained. "Sure as hell didn't have anesthesia for that, and no _way_ does a little dental work hurt that bad. But they said they couldn't do it, liability, all that crap, and so my bill's gonna be twice what it was, just because they think I'm a little sissy girl who can't handle pain," she griped.

Lilly smiled slightly, but didn't say anything in response, and, after a pause, Kat took the opportunity to steer the conversation back to where she wanted it to go in the first place.

"The damn anesthesia explains me," Kat said casually. "So…what about you?"

_Dammit. _Lilly had hoped the anesthesia and its lingering aftereffects would keep Kat distracted, but apparently, she'd have no such luck.

"I'm fine. Just tired," she replied. It was the truth, after all. Nights spent tossing and turning on a decidedly uncomfortable sofa tended to do that to a person.

"Late night?" Kat replied, with a teasing smile. She didn't want details, she really didn't, but she reluctantly decided she might put up with a few, if it meant that all was smooth sailing with Lilly and Valens. Kat shuddered inwardly as she realized what a pain in the ass Man Candy would be if everything _wasn't _all hunky-dory with Rush.

"You…could say that," Lilly answered uncomfortably, then reached for the radio dial, and her tone of voice gave her away. Whatever the reason for her late night, it certainly had nothing to do with sex. Kat wasn't sure whether to be filled with relief or dread, and so experienced the swirling sensations of both. As soon as Lilly's hand left the dial, Kat quickly recovered, instantly found the same knob, and turned it off.

"Everything okay with you and Scotty?" she asked softly, and Lilly knew, with a sinking heart, that she wasn't getting out of this.

"Fine," came the terse reply.

"Cut the crap," Kat ordered with a brief glare. "I'm in no mood to listen to you hide behind your own delusions."

Lilly glanced over at her colleague in surprise. "We don't _have_ to talk, y'know," she reminded her pointedly.

"Well, you got a little skeeved out by that lame-ass pickup line back there, which normally wouldn't bother you in the least, and you and Valens ain't exactly bein' all lovey-dovey today, so I'm just wonderin' if there's a connect," Kat replied with a shrug.

Lilly sighed in defeat. "Fine," she began. "I met Scotty's creepy cousin last night."

"Valens has a creepy cousin?" Kat replied, her eyes sparkling with eagerness. "Do tell. Maybe I can use it against him later."

Lilly shot Kat a brief glare, but if she noticed, she didn't let on. "He does," she replied. "Guy'll hit on anything that moves. And he looks just like Scotty."

Kat shuddered. "An even more disturbing version of Man Candy than the one we already got? No, thanks," she concluded.

Lilly grinned despite everything, and Kat silently congratulated herself. Anesthesia or not, she still had the touch. She'd made the Ice Queen smile.

"So that's what's botherin' you?" Kat pressed, taking advantage of the slightly dissolved tension. "Man Candy The Sequel givin' you the once-over? 'Cause there's gotta be more to it than that. I've seen you looked up and down by some seriously bad dudes, and you ain't even batted an eye. But this guy, this lame-ass crappy wannabe actor gives you the eyes, and you're shakin' in your boots," she remarked.

"I met all of them last night," Lilly said quietly.

"All of 'em?" Kat echoed.

"The whole damn Valens clan," Lilly confirmed grimly.

"How many are we talkin'?" Kat asked with interest.

"Close to a hundred, I think," Lilly answered, and Kat choked in surprise.

"There's a hundred people in this world related to Man Candy? Good God, girl, no wonder you're all skittery," she replied.

"It's not…that," Lilly said awkwardly. "I mean, yeah, there were a lot of 'em, but…that's not really it."

Kat arched a brow. "Then what is?" she asked.

"They're just so…_different_," Lilly replied with a helpless glance at Kat, hoping that and her inflection would convey her meaning.

"Oh, the culture thing," Kat immediately assumed, but a look over at Lilly told her that wasn't it, either.

"This family…they love each other," Lilly said softly, almost wistfully, and in an instant, Kat knew in her bones the exact identity of the problem.

"And yours didn't," she replied flatly, watching Lilly keep her eyes locked on the road. After a pause, she continued softly. "I don't need the details, Lil. I can guess."

Lilly glanced over at her in surprise. If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought Kat had some…experience…with this.

"You should have seen him with those kids," Lilly said softly, deftly changing the subject, and Kat could hear a deep love for Scotty enveloping Lilly's words in a velvety blanket.

"I can imagine," Kat replied. She'd seen that twinkle in his eyes the first time he'd met Veronica, and had begun at that moment to think that perhaps there was more to Scotty Valens than it might appear.

"That's what he wants," Lilly said quietly, trying hard to keep her voice from wavering. "That love…that family…how can I give someone something I've never had?"

Kat sighed. "I dunno, Lil," she replied gently. "That's somethin' you're gonna have to figure out."

"And I need time to do that," Lilly protested, feeling tears sting her eyes. "Time he won't give me."

"You gotta make him get that," Kat insisted softly, with a compassionate smile. "Valens is a smart detective, yeah, but he's dumb as shit when it comes to women."

Lilly chuckled slightly, but was inwardly shocked. How could Scotty, after all his experience with relationships, still be so dense?

"Men," Kat snorted derisively, as if that simple word would answer Lilly's unasked question.

"Yeah," Lilly agreed, a bit less cynically. "Guess so."

* * *

For Scotty, the rest of the suddenly cold and rainy afternoon had passed in a blur. He and Vera had gone out and had a lengthy interview with Charlie Banks, so lengthy, in fact, that it was dark when they got back to the squad room, and Vera had muttered some excuse and headed out before Scotty even knew what had hit him. A quick glance around the office told Scotty that Lilly had also left for the day, and as he sat at his desk trying to fill out the interview report, he realized, much to his chagrin, that he couldn't for the life of him remember a thing about the interview. Lilly's empty desk had set his emotions swirling, and his mind was once again preoccupied with the disturbing conclusion he'd reached before lunch, although, mercifully, having some food in his stomach had helped, and, even more mercifully, Vera hadn't pressed him to talk about Lilly anymore. It seemed that Vera had identified the problem and, in his mind, it was settled. Scotty had introduced Lilly to his large, loud, affectionate family, she hadn't taken too kindly to being introduced to all of them at once, particularly Cousin Armadillo, and that was that.

But Scotty knew there was more to it. He wasn't sure whether the key issue was Lilly simply being overwhelmed by the size and the loud, affectionate nature of his family, or whether his family didn't have a damn thing to do with it, and she was flipping out and running away because he had tried to move things forward. He hoped, oh, how desperately he hoped, that it was just the former. Perhaps a bit of culture shock, trying to adjust to the Spanish and the kissing and the roast pig, mixed with the fact that he hadn't told her how many people would be there, was just throwing her for a loop. He ached to believe that. But he knew Lilly, and he figured, with a sinking heart, that it was more likely the latter.

And that, he realized, as he gave up on the paperwork and tossed the pen to the desk, was making his pre-lunchtime panic fade and rapidly be replaced by fury, both with himself…and with her. It was true, he reasoned, that Lilly and Elisa had a lot in common. They both had their giants…but in Elisa's case, Scotty had to fight the entire battle for her. She _couldn't _fight. The only thing she could do was keep going to the doctor, keep taking those meds, keep doing the things she knew to do that would keep her healthy, and then hope for the best. And, Scotty knew there wasn't a hell of a lot he could do, either…but when the giants came, he could hold her, comfort her, stroke her hair and whisper words of love, tell her that the giants couldn't hurt her, that he was there, and she was safe. Gradually, she'd stop shaking, stop screaming, and would be back to her old self again. So he could do something to make it better, even though he couldn't chase them away like he so desperately wished he could. And Scotty had never let himself get truly angry with Elisa for any of what he'd been through with her. She couldn't help it. It wasn't her fault she was sick…and being angry with her would have been as pointless as being angry with his granddad for getting ALS. There wasn't a damn thing either of them could do to stop it.

But Lilly…Lilly wasn't sick. She wasn't weak. She was one of the strongest, toughest, smartest women Scotty knew. So for her to run away screaming at the drop of a hat every time he wanted to make the next move in their relationship…Scotty realized, as he grabbed his coat and headed toward the parking garage, that Lilly was making a choice. Oh, she hadn't chosen the kind of childhood she had, hadn't chosen the heartbreak that had visited her in relationship after relationship. He knew that, and would give anything to erase it all. But she was choosing to use whatever happened to her growing up as an excuse to avoid him, to avoid commitment, to avoid the happiness he knew she so richly deserved. She was choosing to succumb to her giants. Fear, doubt, whatever those giants were, Lilly could choose to fight for their relationship, but she was avoiding it. Avoiding was what she did, he realized with chagrin. Oh, he'd seen her fight on the job. He'd seen her go toe-to-toe with the likes of George Marks and never back down, he'd seen her battle tirelessly all day and night to bring justice to someone she barely knew. "I like a challenge," she'd said confidently when faced with a next-to-impossible case to solve.

So why wasn't she willing to fight for her own happiness…for him…for them? Scotty knew that, try as he might, he couldn't do this alone. He couldn't be the only one who fought for this. If the battle was him and Lilly versus her giants, he thought they stood a chance of making it. But if Lilly and her issues were on the same side and he was on the other…Scotty realized, with a sense of dread, that he'd be stuck in another no-win situation like he was with Elisa.

And thinking of Elisa made Scotty even more furious with the whole situation. He stared fiercely at the road as the windshield wipers swished rapidly back and forth to whisk away the pouring rain. He'd had love. He'd tasted the kind of bliss that comes from meeting the love of his life, from gazing into her eyes, from spending years with her, from walking hand in hand and talking excitedly of the future, with nothing standing in the way. He knew what it was to feel secure in her love. He could take on the world for Elisa, he'd decided one spring day when he was fifteen…and he'd spent the next fifteen years of his life trying. Countless times he'd tried. And countless times, he'd failed. Ultimately, the love of his life had slipped from his grasp into the Schuylkill. He'd lost her, and it had shattered his heart.

But he'd been blessed, lucky, whatever, to have found the love of his life again. Most people weren't fortunate enough to find it even once, let alone twice. Scotty knew how lucky he was…but he realized as he drove home on that rainy night, that he wasn't content to merely let fate decide his future. Not this time. Not anymore. Lilly was too special; what he had with her was too damn precious to just let her slip away, too. And he couldn't take another broken heart. Couldn't face life without her.

So whatever her giants were, whatever her issues were, Scotty decided, he would fight them with everything he had until either they were defeated or he was dead, whichever came first. He would fight for their happiness with his last breath, and even if he had to fight Lilly, too, dammit, he wasn't giving up. He was Scotty Valens, for God's sake. Giving up wasn't in his nature. He'd given up once before, and he'd seen where that had gotten him. Elisa had gotten to be too much for him, things had gotten too hard, so he'd let her go; he'd abandoned her to the hospital, to her giants, and ultimately, he'd sealed her fate. If he'd just been there…if he'd just hung on a little while longer…maybe she'd still be alive. They wouldn't have the kind of life they'd envisioned…but they'd still have one.

Scotty sure as hell wasn't going to make that mistake again. He wasn't going to give up on Lilly, no matter what. He was bound and determined not to abandon her. But she, it seemed…she was perfectly willing to give up, to throw in the towel the minute things got difficult, to abandon him at the drop of a hat.

The anger rising rapidly, his blood starting to simmer, Scotty abruptly jerked the car around and pressed the accelerator to the floor. He was going to Lilly's. He wasn't going to just let things happen as they may. Wasn't going to leave this relationship in the hands of fate. Wasn't going to abandon Lilly to her giants, and he wasn't going to let Lilly give up on him, either. He was going to convince her that she was worth it, that they were worth it, that _he _was worth it.

Dammit. He wasn't going down without a fight.


	10. How Far We've Come

**Disclaimer: Yeah, still don't own the characters. If I did, I'd be in negotiations with the IOC about getting Scotty on the Olympic beach volleyball team.**

* * *

**Chapter Ten: How Far We've Come**

_But I believe the world is burning to the ground_

_Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out_

_Let's see how far we've come_

_Let's see how far we've come_

Lilly sat on her couch, sipping tea, absently cuddling with the cats, and staring out at the sheets of rain that pattered against the windows and pooled in the streets. Perfect, she mused, as thunder rumbled overhead. A night to suit her mood.

With a sigh, she glanced at her cell phone again. No, he still hadn't called. In fact, she hadn't seen or heard from Scotty except for that one brief encounter at lunch, which was no small feat, considering how closely they worked together. Lilly supposed she could have congratulated herself. She wasn't ready to face him yet, and she'd managed to avoid him all day.

But the fact that Scotty hadn't even bothered to call had surprised her slightly. She knew him well enough to know that he either instinctively understood that she needed some space and was willing to give it to her, no questions asked…or else, he was so furious that he didn't even know how to talk to her, so he was giving her space by default. Lilly was, frankly, puzzled by his silence. Scotty Valens wasn't the type to give the silent treatment. He definitely couldn't take it very long, she knew from personal experience. She'd only been the Ice Queen for a couple of days during the Christina mess before he'd chased her down, in the lobby of Headquarters, for God's sake, and demanded that they talk, then and there. And that was before, when they were just friends and partners. Now that they were together…especially now…Scotty wasn't one to leave well enough alone, she knew that. If he was upset about something, he let her know.

So, Lilly was tempted to think that he wasn't upset. That he understood precisely what she needed, and was giving it to her. Oh, she wanted to believe that. But she also knew that rolling with the punches, going with the flow, relaxing and not reading too much into things wasn't in Scotty's nature at all. He worried. He brooded. He obsessed. So the fact that he was seemingly doing none of that was, frankly, disconcerting. Unless he'd become an entirely different person overnight, that only left one horrifying alternative.

Had he…_left _her? Was he just…giving up? Just like that?

The thought sent a chill down Lilly's spine. Surely he wouldn't. He'd promised he wouldn't. He loved her. He was in this. He wasn't the one with the commitment issues, she was. They both knew that.

So why the hell hadn't he called?

Lilly picked up her phone again, feeling suddenly foolish, like a teenager debating whether or not to call her crush, but the unforeseen terror that Scotty had given up on the relationship without a backward glance, just because she'd sneaked out in the middle of the night to have some time to think things over…that trumped any and all schoolgirl concerns. She had to talk to him. Had to know that everything was okay. Had to…

Her thoughts were interrupted by her front door, which banged open angrily, making Lilly jump and causing a few drops of tea to splash out of the cup and onto her leg. Olivia yowled indignantly at the intrusion and leaped haughtily from Lilly's lap, followed shortly thereafter by Tripod.

But Lilly paid no attention to the cats. She was more interested in knowing who the hell was barging into her place, uninvited. She'd thought she'd locked the door, but apparently she hadn't.

Her nighttime visitor was charging his way into her living room, and suddenly Lilly knew who it was before she even turned around. Despite nearly jumping out of her skin moments before, she sighed inwardly with relief. Scotty was here. He wasn't ignoring her. He wasn't abandoning her. He hadn't given up.

From her seat on the sofa, Lilly watched silently as Scotty slammed the door so hard it rattled the pictures on the wall and made her jump once more, tossed his keys and his gun on the table, shed his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and raked his hands over his face and through his hair to wipe away the rain, all the while the muscle in his jaw was twitching and his eyes were dark and flashing with fury.

Dear God, Lilly realized…he wasn't freezing her out…he was absolutely livid, and he'd come looking for a fight. That was more like it. That was the Scotty she knew. Lilly ignored the small fingers of fear, and desire, that skittered through her veins as he turned his angry gaze on her, and instead rose from the sofa, folded her arms across her chest, and fixed her boyfriend with an expressionless mask. That would only make him madder, she knew. At that point, she didn't care, as her relief that he wasn't leaving her rapidly turned to anger of her own. He was mad at her? For taking some time to figure out how the hell she was going to make this relationship work?

"Okay," Scotty began furiously, pacing back and forth. "Okay," he said again.

"Bring it, Valens," she challenged, and that brought his pacing to a halt.

He stopped a few feet away from her and finally met her eyes with a fiery glare. "What the hell's goin' on with you?" he demanded roughly.

Lilly opened her mouth to reply, but Scotty didn't give her a chance before the angry words spilled forth.

"'Cause what it looks like to me is that you're runnin' away again," he began heatedly. "Oh, I know, you're gonna think I'm paranoid, you're gonna think I'm makin' too much outta nothin', but…dammit, Lil, when I go to sleep next to you at night and then wake up in the mornin' and you ain't there, what the hell am I _supposed_ to think? Only time you did that's when you were about the pull the plug on this whole thing."

Lilly was so stunned that she couldn't have answered, even if he'd paused enough in his tirade to let her.

"You pull this stunt, Lil," he continued. "You're in it, and then you're out. You're here, then you're gone. And I _told _you…I can't take it. When Elisa got sick, I rode the roller coaster with her for six years…six goddamn years, Lil, never knowin' who she was gonna be when she woke up in the mornin', never knowin' if she was gonna be that girl I fell in love with, or if she was gonna be…somebody else. And I can't take the roller coaster, Lil," he said, his voice now softer and almost pleading, though the anger still clung to it, and Lilly found her heart beginning to melt just a bit at the raw pain she sensed in his words.

"Not anymore," Scotty finished, his eyes reflecting the anguish in his voice. "I just…can't."

He paused for a shaky breath, and Lilly started to jump in, to reassure him, but he held up a hand. "I…I gotta say this, Lil…I gotta say it, or I won't say it…and I gotta say it."

Lilly stared at him wide-eyed, a sick sense of dread coiling in the pit of her stomach. Good God…he _was _leaving her after all. And it was all because of a goddamn innocent misunderstanding.

"I know my family's big," Scotty continued, resuming his pacing and not meeting her eyes. "I know there's a lot of 'em…I know my Cousin Armadillo prob'ly hit on you, and I'm sorry about that. I shoulda warned you. But, Lil…these people…they're my blood. They're where I come from. And, no, I don't call 'em as much as I should, and I don't talk about 'em much when I'm not around 'em, but…they're my family, Lil. We're…we're kind of a package deal. They're how come I am who I am. And…and I thought you got that," he continued, his voice mystified, his brow creased with confusion.

"You…you seemed to have a pretty good time last night. You kicked our asses at poker, for God's sake. You talked to Mike, you got along with my mom…so I'm thinkin' everything's fine, and I'm so relieved that you like 'em, 'cause I knew they'd like you…I mean…how could they not?" he asked, and Lilly could have sighed with relief. He wasn't leaving her…at least…she didn't think he was.

"And then I wake up this mornin', and you're gone," he said, finally meeting her gaze, his dark eyes shimmering once again with anger and barely concealed hurt. "No kiss, no coffee…you're just…gone."

Lilly opened her mouth to reply, but Scotty cut her off, his voice rising once more. "And don't tell me you went in early to work on the case, 'cause that's total bullshit. I dunno where the hell you even went, but…you lied to me."

Again, Lilly tried to defend herself, the frustration growing, but Scotty wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise.

His voice continued to rise as the anger built even more. "Then…all of a sudden you're findin' reasons to not be at work, hell, Lil, you ain't even _talkin' _to me, you're just givin' me that damn Ice Queen look again, and I ain't dumb enough to think that's just a coincidence. And I gotta hear from Vera…_Vera, _for God's sake, that, despite all the fun you looked like you were havin' last night, my family flip you out, and now it looks like you're gonna leave me again!"

Wait. _He _was afraid she was going to leave _him?_

"So…" he concluded, meeting her gaze, and she could see the fear now shimmering in the depths of his dark eyes, just for a moment, before his gaze hardened again and he gritted his teeth.

"…Are you in or out, Lil?" he asked determinedly, with the same tone of voice he used with suspects. Lilly had never had it turned on her before, and the fact that he even had to ask her that was making the twinges of sympathy she'd felt vanish in the wake of renewed anger. _He _was asking _her _if _she _was in this? When the very reason they were fighting was because she was trying so damn hard to make this work in the first place?

"'Cause I gotta know," Scotty continued, his voice starting to waver just a bit as he raked a hand through his hair. "We're either together or apart. And it scares the hell outta me to think that it might be over, that this might be the end, but I ain't gonna ride the roller coaster anymore. Not…not even for you, Lil. So…are you in this, or are you out?"

Having poured out his heart to her, again, all he could do was stand, raise his eyes to hers, and wait.

He didn't have to wait long, as Lilly folded her arms across her chest and eyed him, and he silently cursed that inscrutable expression she had.

"That sounds suspiciously like an ultimatum," she said coolly, her voice betraying nothing.

"Maybe it is," he replied quietly, then mentally kicked himself. Issuing an ultimatum…to Lilly Rush? _You a special kinda stupid, Valens?_

Lilly fixed him with her trademark icy stare. "So you're standing here in my living room issuing me an ultimatum because I didn't immediately start speaking Spanish and kissing babies and eating that damn pig with its head still on? Because I may have needed a tiny bit of breathing room after being crammed like a sardine into a living room with every Cuban in Philly? Is that it?" she seethed, her voice quiet, but laced with almost lethal fury.

"I knew it!" Scotty exploded, the anger still raging like a wildfire. "I knew that the second I dared to rock the boat a little bit, the minute I suggested that maybe we oughta take the next step, you'd split. What…just 'cause my family's got a few more people than you're used to, or 'cause they're from another country, you're runnin' for the hills?" he asked, his brow creasing in confusion.

"You think this is because your lame-ass cousin hit on me, or because your family's from Cuba?" Lilly erupted, flinging her arms wide. "What the hell, Valens? Do you know me at all?"

Scotty stood there, just staring at her, his breathing ragged, and for the moment, his anger abated. Just for a moment. Because he all of a sudden didn't have a clue what they were fighting about. He thought he had. But…wait. _What?_

Lilly took a few seconds to appreciate the silence resulting from Scotty finally, mercifully, shutting the hell up, then gathered her thoughts, and spoke, the anger in her voice being replaced, to her chagrin, by an almost dangerously plaintive quality.

"Your family," she began, taking a deep, shaky breath, "is…_wonderful_."

"And yours wasn't," Scotty snapped in reply. "So, what, you can't be with someone who didn't have as crappy a childhood as you, is that it?"

Lilly sighed in frustration, her need for him to understand suddenly overtaking her desire to keep her past hidden. "You…you don't _get _it, Scotty. My family was just my mom and my sister. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no grandparents. Just the three of us. And most of the time," she continued, with a bitter laugh, "most of the time, it was just me and Chris, 'cause Mom was either passed out drunk or out with some guy whose name she didn't even know."

"Lil--" Scotty sputtered, taking a tentative step toward her. "I get that you had it rough growin' up. I do."

"No, you don't," she fired back, "because if you did, you wouldn't stand there wondering why someone with a family like mine is flipped out by a perfect family like yours."

"My family ain't perfect, Lil," Scotty argued, and Lilly arched a brow in disbelief.

"You know…about my brother…and Coach Fitz," he began, a bit more calmly, and Lilly nodded her encouragement.

"And my dad?" Scotty continued. "You only saw one parta him tonight. When he's surrounded by family, and music, and good Cuban food, he's the life of the party. But when he ain't…Lil, he left Cuba at fifteen, 'cause Castro was after my family, and my grandparents wanted my dad, at least, to have some hope. So he came here to start a new life, and he did, and he's damn proud of it. But…no matter how long he's been here, this ain't…home. His heart's still in Cuba. He's never been back, and he ain't goin' back, not as long as Castro's in power…and I think he dies a little bit every day he can't go home. He'd get in these moods when I was a kid…these dark moods, where he'd just sleep for days on end, and at night, he'd get up and pace the hallway, lookin' out the windows and mutterin' to himself about Cuba. And when he'd do that, it'd break my mom's heart, 'cause she couldn't do anything for him, so she'd just sit there with him, cryin' most of the time, and I was torn between comfortin' her and fendin' for myself with Mikey. So, no, Lil, we ain't perfect," he finished, staring at her once more, almost challenging her to rebut that argument.

Lilly was speechless for a moment, a lot of things about Scotty suddenly making a lot of sense, but then she snapped back into focus.

"No, yours wasn't perfect either, Scotty," she agreed softly, "but did you ever, even in your dad's darkest mood, wonder if he loved you?"

"No," Scotty was forced to admit quietly.

"Did your mom ever get so broken up about your dad that she forgot to make sure you did your homework, or take you to soccer practice?" Lilly continued.

"No," he answered again.

"Did you ever, and I mean _ever, _wonder where your next meal was coming from?" she pressed.

"No," he replied.

"Scotty," Lilly began with a sigh, "birthdays in my family…when my mom remembered, that is…was a candle stuck in the middle of a Twinkie. And Mom would always light the candle with her cigarette so she wouldn't waste a match. The love…the security…dammit, Scotty, the_ food_ you had…all those things you take for granted, all those things every child _should _take for granted…I never had those. And then I go spend an evening with your family," she continued, her eyes suddenly stinging with unshed tears, "and I realize, for the first time, how _much _I missed. I knew I'd missed a lot, but…damn, Scotty…I missed a _lot,"_ she finished, her voice almost shaking with fury for how deprived her own childhood had been.

"So you're runnin' away from this…from _us…_'cause my family's what you always wanted your family to be?" he demanded, his brow creased in utter mystification.

"Who the hell says I'm running?" Lilly retorted.

"You do!" Scotty roared. "You split last night, leave me that bullshit note that you're gonna go work on the case, and then stare daggers at me all day, and if I hadn't barged my way in here tonight, who the hell knows whether you'd ever even be speakin' to me again? Lil, If I don't make the move, is there ever gonna be a move made?"

"You're never patient enough to bother to find out!" Lilly shouted back.

"Patient enough?" Scotty repeated in disbelief. "_Patient _enough?? Goddammit, Lil, we've been together since December, and I'm _just now_ introducin' you to my family. I didn't even tell 'em about you, and we've been together almost a year! And I wouldn't have told 'em now, either, except Rosalia figured I'd already told Ma about you, since I talk about you so much to her. And the reason I talk to Ro…is 'cause I figured you'd flip out if I told anybody else!"

"I never told you not to tell your family about me!" Lilly retorted, frowning at him in confusion. "Why would you think you couldn't?"

"Because I know them," Scotty replied bitterly. "And the second I mention I'm seein' someone, they're all over it, 'cause they've been so worried about me since Elisa. And I also know you, and I knew that'd flip you out. And I'm careful, for _once _in my life, I'm careful, and it comes back and bites me in the ass anyway. _Dammit_, Lil!" he continued in frustration, expecting more words to pour forth, but he was so furious that, to his surprise, none came.

"So you were gonna keep this a secret from 'em for how long?" Lilly demanded, taking advantage of his momentary silence. A twisted smile suddenly curved her lips upward as she realized she had the perfect opportunity to fling his own words from a few months ago back at him.

Fixing Scotty with a wicked glare, she hissed, "What if we ended up getting married or something? A secret marriage? Think we were gonna pull that off?" At the shocked look on his face, she almost laughed. "Let me ask you the same question, Valens; are you in this or not?"

Scotty was dumbfounded. She was flinging his own words back in his face? _She _was asking _him _if _he _was in this? The only reason he hadn't told his family about her…was _her. He_ was the one fighting for every fucking step of their relationship. _He_ was the one who had to make the move every single time. Where the hell did she get off asking him if he was in this?

He stood there in silence, just staring at her, in utter disbelief that she'd dare to ask him a question like that, his heart racing and his blood boiling, the fire of anger growing hotter and hotter with each passing second, and as he gazed at her, her blue eyes sparking with irritation, her cheeks stained with a crimson blush, her pulse pounding at the base of her throat, he suddenly was overwhelmed with a nearly maniacal urge to prove to her just how in this he was.

He closed the gap between them almost instantly and crushed her lips with his. Lilly moaned in surprise, then returned his kiss, not melting into it like she usually did, but returning his intensity in full measure. Their tongues battled for supremacy, his hands tangled almost roughly in her hair, hers blazed frantic trails over his back, and finally he tore his mouth from hers, his chest heaving and his heart hammering wildly.

"Oh, I'm in this," he growled breathlessly, his eyes flashing fire. "I'm in this so damn deep I can't see anything _but _this."

"Well, I'm in this every bit as much as you are," Lilly panted as she glared back at him. She had never been more furious with him in her life, but…dear God, she suddenly wanted him so much it almost hurt.

"Then…_don't run_," he ordered through clenched teeth, gripping her fiercely. His voice sounded rough and strange, a mixture of fury, lust, and…was that grief she heard? Startled enough to fight through the fog of need just for a moment, Lilly could see, behind the anger still blazing from his dark eyes, the depthless pain in those bottomless pools of ebony, the tortured expression on his face…and her fury softened for just a moment. What the hell was this even _about?_ she wondered, but then the anger came roaring back. If he was in pain because of her need for some time to think, then that was his own damn problem. She _wasn't_ running, she was fighting tooth and nail for this, trying to conquer the issues that stood between them and their dreams… how the hell could he possibly think--

And then Lilly couldn't finish her thought, because suddenly, his lips were on hers again, almost branding her, and his hands were ripping off her shirt, deftly unhooking her bra, and exploring the treasures it contained, sending the molten lava of desire rapidly spiraling from her core throughout her whole body. Within seconds, his shirt, too, had fallen to the floor, and they were stumbling blindly toward the couch.

* * *

A tidal wave of relief, both physical and otherwise, washed over Scotty as he collapsed onto Lilly, his only focus at the moment to supply his starving lungs with oxygen. He was shaky, light-headed, and his throat hurt, almost as though he'd been yelling. Had he been yelling? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that gentleness had gone out the window. He'd been rougher with Lilly than he'd ever been in all their months together, but as he remembered the blue flames of anger and lust that had blazed from her eyes the whole time, he realized he wasn't sorry. Not a bit. He'd claimed her. Thoroughly. Deliberately. Desperately. Every single part of her, he'd claimed as his. And she hadn't seemed to mind. If her desirous screams, impassioned moans, and the words she'd managed to gasp out in between had been any indication, she'd loved every single minute of it.

His frantic breathing slowing, Scotty gradually became aware of movement beneath him, of Lilly's slender limbs suddenly fighting and scrabbling against his slick skin.

"Get off me," she demanded breathlessly, her voice muffled by his shoulder. "I'm sweating to death under here, and you're heavy."

"You callin' me fat?" he asked, smirking down at her.

"Just get _off_ me, dammit," she repeated, struggling harder, and he grinned, then rolled off her with a grunt. Lilly protested as Scotty slid between her and the back of the couch, forcing her to move over lest he remain on top of her.

Her still-trembling muscles complaining with each motion, she swore viciously under her breath. "How the hell do you expect me to be able to scoot over?" she griped. "I can't even _move _after that."

"Good," Scotty retorted, with an arrogant smirk. She glared at him for a minute. "'Sides…ain't my fault your couch is too damn small," he added.

"We could have gone upstairs," Lilly shot back, brushing her sodden bangs out of her eyes. "Bed's nice and big."

"Bed was too far," Scotty replied with a slight shrug.

Lilly swallowed, trying to ease the pain in her parched throat. "I need water," she rasped.

"Me too," Scotty agreed, still shaking a bit as he wiped the rivulets of sweat from his forehead.

"So get your lazy ass up and get it," Lilly ordered, glaring icily at him again.

Scotty cocked an eyebrow at her. "Oh, so now my ass is lazy, huh?" he asked with a grin. "That ain't what you were sayin' about it a few minutes ago."

"I can't be held responsible for _anything_ I said a few minutes ago," Lilly retorted.

"Too bad," Scotty replied, still grinning. "It was some pretty good stuff."

He then tested his muscles to see if he'd regained the power of movement. He had, and he was grateful. He then rolled over Lilly to slide off the couch, lingering on top of her a wee bit too long just to spite her.

"I thought I told you to get off me," she protested, swatting at him.

"Y'know, you're kinda cute when you're bitchy," Scotty remarked, grinning down at her as he pushed himself up off the couch, slipped into his boxers, and started to head for the kitchen.

"_Bitchy_?" Lilly repeated, raising herself to a sitting position. "Where the hell do you get off?"

"On your tiny little couch, apparently," he retorted with a smirk, and Lilly fired a pillow at his retreating back.

"No ice," she called after him.

"Yes, dear," he replied, grinning and rolling his eyes as he headed into the kitchen. When he switched on the light, he found both cats crouched in the corner, looking up at him strangely.

"What?" he asked them, but they just stared. Olivia was glaring fiercely at him, and Tripod looked…shell-shocked. Like she'd seen and heard things no feline should have ever witnessed. Scotty looked down at the cats in disbelief. Had it really been that loud?

"I think we traumatized your cats, Lil," Scotty called to her, but if she responded, he didn't hear her. He chuckled to himself as he rummaged in the freezer, clinking ice into his glass, and then filled both glasses at the faucet. He started to head back, then realized that, since he wasn't the one whose lazy ass was still parked on the couch, there was no reason for him to wait until he got to the living room to quench his thirst. Smiling in satisfaction, he downed his entire glass almost in a single gulp, then refilled it and returned to the living room, where he found Lilly lounging on the sofa, having slipped into his discarded dress shirt. As soon as he sat down, she grabbed her glass greedily and guzzled it almost as fast as he had his, then looked around for more.

"You can have some of mine," he offered, handing her the glass.

Lilly took the glass, glanced down, and then glared back up at him. "Yours has ice," she retorted bitterly.

"Oh, for God's sake, Lil," Scotty exclaimed in exasperation. "What the hell's your problem? We kissed and made up."

"We kissed," Lilly agreed, reluctantly sipping from Scotty's proffered glass. The ice really did help, she grudgingly admitted to herself. "But we didn't make up."

"You're in this, I'm in this, you ain't gonna run…problem solved," Scotty said with a shrug.

"I'm not running, Scotty," Lilly replied quietly, hoping beyond all hope that the earlier pain she'd seen in his eyes wouldn't return. Anger, she could handle. Pain…that was something entirely different. "But I am taking space."

"There a difference?" he retorted, his eyes beginning to spark again. "'Cause it sure as hell looks the same to me." Anger. Good. She could deal with that.

"Taking space is when I'm flipped out by something and I gotta take some time to process," she insisted. "I'm not running away."

"Then don't leave me bullshit notes that say you're goin' in to work when you ain't," Scotty flung back, his eyes betraying his hurt just for a moment.

Lilly took a deep breath. What she'd done…she would make no apology for that. But the _way _she'd done it…

"I'm…I'm sorry, Scotty," she said slowly, not meeting his eyes. "I should have been honest."

Scotty timidly put his arm around her shoulders and softly kissed her forehead as a way of accepting her apology, and was relieved when she leaned into his embrace.

"When you decide you need this….space…" he ventured, "…can you maybe…tell me somehow?"

Lilly nodded with a slight smile. "As long as you give me that space and don't come charging in here thinkin' I'm leaving you."

"Fair enough," Scotty agreed, then looked at her quizzically. "So…what're you…processin'…that you need that space for, anyway?"

Lilly sighed and glared at him briefly, then relented and began a tentative explanation. She supposed she owed him that much.

"Scotty, even though I've known you for five years, meeting your family made me realize that there's this whole other part of you that I don't know at all," she began, hoping she was choosing her words correctly. "And you didn't even warn me that there were gonna be that many, you didn't warn me about your crazy aunt or your pervert cousin, you just…threw me into the lake and hoped I'd swim. And I did," she added quickly.

"You did," he agreed, smiling proudly and pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. "I'm so prouda you, Lil."

Lilly smiled back at him, and he continued. "And I'm sorry…like I said, I shoulda warned you."

"It's fine," Lilly replied. "It's over. I met 'em, I like 'em, they like me…it's fine. That's not why I'm flipped out. Scotty, you just…you gotta give me some time to figure out…" she trailed off.

"Figure out what, Lil?" Scotty asked, the fear suddenly rising in his chest again.

Lilly sighed. "Do you have any idea how fortunate you are to come from a family like that? A family that loves each other, who can count on each other, who don't screw each other over and stab each other in the back every single chance they get?"

Scotty didn't reply, and, taking a deep breath, she continued. "And—and I gotta figure out…how the hell I'm gonna be the kind of person who can give you that kind of love, the kind of family you want, how I'm gonna give our kids that…when I _never _had that. Because I realized, for the first time, that _that's _what you want, when you say you want family, and it's not that I don't want that kinda love, too…because I do…more than anything, it's just...what?" she trailed off, her brow creasing in confusion as an almost silly grin crossed Scotty's face and his eyes shone bright with joy.

Scotty could only sit there, staring at her. He knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he simply couldn't help it. He supposed he was sort of an idiot, really, having barged into Lilly's apartment and read her the riot act, having thrown her down on the couch and run her through as if to claim her somehow, thinking she was running away because she was scared of his large, loud, affectionate family, when really…she _loved _his large, loud, affectionate family. It had nothing to do with that. It had to do with her, and her own crappy childhood, the one he hoped to God that, if he just loved her enough, he could soothe the wounds and ease the pain she still so obviously carried, but he wasn't thinking about that at the moment, because his heart had stopped beating when she'd uttered those two little words, those words that, years ago, scared the absolute crap out of him when Elisa said them, but now, now that he was older, and wiser, now that Lilly had said them…there was no way in the world he could measure the joy they had brought to his heart.

"What?" she asked again, and he realized that he was still staring at her, still grinning like a fool.

"Did you just say…" he began, his heart pounding as he studied her carefully, "_our _kids?"

Lilly froze. Did she? Surely not. Because she didn't even _want _kids. No way. She'd screw them up beyond all possible measure. Even Scotty, who she had no doubt would be the best father in the world, couldn't possibly atone for her shortcomings, the shortcomings she had because her own mother never loved her and cared for her the way she should have, her mother never wanted her the way she wanted to have kids with…

_Crap. _She did.

That deer-in-the-headlights look and the slight, tremulous smile from Lilly as she nervously shifted on the sofa was all the confirmation Scotty needed.

"You did," he realized softly, his heart soaring. "You said 'our kids.'"

"I…I guess I did," Lilly conceded, her mind whirling with the revelation that…holy crap, she _did._ How the hell did that even _happen?_ "Not…not now," she added quickly. "But someday, I think…yeah. Someday."

Scotty set the water glass down on the floor and grinned even more widely. "Well, I…guess you're in this, then," he concluded.

"Guess I am," she agreed, her own smile beginning to broaden.

Scotty chuckled ruefully. "Guess I just made a pretty big jackass of myself, huh?" he said, a bit sheepishly.

"Guess you did," Lilly confirmed, her smile now nearly blinding in its brilliance.

Scotty gently cupped her face in his hands and stroked her cheek reverently with his thumb. "Guess I…better make it up to you somehow," he continued.

"Guess you'd better," she replied.

He wordlessly rose from the couch, then grabbed her hand and lifted her to her feet. She frowned at him, and he grinned back.

"Bed's nice and big," he explained as he led her up the stairs.

* * *

The second round was much gentler than the first, Scotty seeming to apologize wordlessly with every kiss, every caress, every stroke of his fingers on her skin, and, their recent conflict totally forgotten, Lilly found herself utterly lost in their own little spinning universe.

Afterward, Scotty pulled her close, kissed her once more, and then sighed contentedly as she pillowed her head on his chest, absently tracing patterns on its broad planes with her fingertips. She thought he was asleep, but when he squeezed her tightly and kissed her forehead, she knew he wasn't quite there yet.

"Lil?" he began tentatively, and Lilly sensed that he seemed to be wrestling with something.

"Yeah, Scotty?" she replied dreamily, still in a daze.

"I know your mom loved you," Scotty declared. "She may not have always shown it real good, but…she loved you. I mean…how could she not?"

Lilly froze. He meant well. Of course he did; he always did…but he still didn't get it. He had no idea that his "all mothers automatically love their children" theory did not apply to Ellen Rush. He had no _clue _that she wasn't overreacting about how horrible her childhood was. He was still looking at the past through the rose-colored glasses of someone who had a largely happy and uneventful youth. He was looking at it through the eyes of someone for whom life had been relatively kind, at least, in the years that it mattered. Oh, sure, he'd lost Elisa, and she knew the kind of horrible pain that had caused him, pain she knew he was still dealing with…but there was a big difference between receiving those wounds as an adult and receiving them as a child. Scotty simply had no idea.

Lilly couldn't decide whether she wanted him to remain oblivious, to remain naively optimistic about her upbringing, to protect him from the awful truth and the pain it would no doubt bring him, or whether she wanted to spill that truth, whether she had the guts to tell him the one story that would, without a doubt, cement for him that she wasn't making it up, she wasn't exaggerating it, she wasn't kidding when she doubted her mother's love for her. Her own mother had sold her out…for a drink. Dare she tell him?

Scotty was oblivious to her inner wrestling, she knew, because somehow while she was musing, he'd fallen asleep and was now snoring softly. Lilly decided, with a yawn, that these were questions for another day, a day when they weren't still reeling from an impassioned argument and equally impassioned making up, a day when she wasn't completely and utterly exhausted, so she brushed aside her swirling thoughts, sighed contentedly and let her eyes drift closed in slumber.


	11. Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

**Disclaimer: I can't even control these characters, so you can bet I don't own them. But if I did, and Scotty weren't into Olympic beach volleyball, I'd see how he felt about diving.**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of**

The next morning, Lilly awoke to the insistent buzz of her alarm clock and winced at the protest of overused muscles from their…making up the night before. Scotty, who usually woke up first, still slept soundly, so she guessed he'd been as worn out as she was. A slight smile crossed her face as she leaned over him to silence the alarm. She wasn't sure exactly how she'd wound up on the wrong side of the bed, but she supposed it didn't matter.

Some combination of her alarm clock and her reaching over him to turn it off woke Scotty, and she smiled down at him as his eyes fluttered open. He responded with a broad grin of his own.

"Mornin', _querida_," he greeted her, kissing her tenderly.

"Morning," Lilly returned softly, then impulsively began to plant kisses on Scotty's neck.

"Hey, I got an idea," he suggested playfully, tangling his fingers in her hair.

"What's that?" she asked against his skin.

Scotty murmured in delight as she continued to kiss him. "How 'bout we play hooky… spend the day in bed…" he suggested, his tone indicating that he was only half-kidding.

"Mmmmmm….tempting," Lilly purred as Scotty trailed kisses down the center of her throat.

"No kiddin'," Scotty agreed, feeling renewed desire rising within. He'd thought, after last night, that he'd have been satisfied, at least for a little while, but mere moments of wakefulness and he wanted her again. God, would he ever get enough of this woman?

"Very…very tempting," Lilly managed, inhaling sharply as Scotty's kisses, and his hands, slipped lower.

"I'm callin' us in sick," Scotty announced, still kissing her as he groped blindly for his phone. Lilly's hand on his stopped him.

"We've got a case to solve, Valens," she protested, suddenly businesslike. How the hell did she _do _that, he wondered. Did she have a switch? Because he sure as hell didn't.

He wished he did, though, because in that brief pause, his conscience took the opportunity to insist that Lilly was right, but his libido remained fervently unconvinced. Dammit.

"Okay," he agreed reluctantly, letting go of his phone and returning his hand to caress Lilly's satiny skin. "But…later…we're pickin' this up…right…where we…left off," he declared, punctuating his words with more tender kisses.

Lilly paused. She knew that if they didn't get out of bed that instant, they would, in fact, spend the day there. And she couldn't do that. Not today. She still needed to take some space…think things over…and a day in bed with Scotty, slice of Heaven though that would be, wasn't exactly the best way to make progress.

Instantly, Scotty sensed the change in his girlfriend's demeanor, sensed her slipping behind her mask again, and he felt like punching the pillows. Truth be told, he'd been hoping that all the "making up" they'd done the night before would make her forget entirely about that space…thing she'd been so insistent on. Oh, intellectually, he knew it was probably for the best, but his emotions protested mightily. Giving Lilly Rush room to run, no matter how many times she swore she wouldn't, just didn't seem like a good idea to him. Sounded like a surefire way to get his heart broken.

Reading the change in Scotty's eyes, knowing he was going back to his dark place, that place where he didn't trust her and he didn't believe her and he assumed the worst, Lilly sprang into action, gently capturing his face in her hands.

"Scotty," she said almost sharply, and he was forced to look at her. "I love you. More than anything. You know that, right?"

Scotty gazed up into her eyes and saw nothing there but pure, shining love, and his fears were calmed, at least for the moment.

"Yeah. Yeah…I know," he replied, brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "And…you know I love you, don't you?"

Lilly smiled. "How could I not?" she asked in response, giving him another brief kiss. "Which is why…"

"You need space," he finished reluctantly, sliding his fingers down her arms and clasping her hands in his. "You gotta…figure out…whatever it is you gotta figure out."

Lilly sighed. She could tell Scotty still didn't understand, still didn't get it, and she hadn't the faintest idea how to _make _him get it. She just hoped to God she could get her act together and figure out how she could do this thing before he got tired of waiting for her and ran for the hills like everybody else.

Not trusting her voice, she merely nodded, then rolled to the side.

"So…this…space thing…" Scotty began uncertainly, turning toward her and propping himself up on one elbow. "How's that work, anyway?"

Lilly's eyes suddenly widened. How _did _this work? She'd never had anyone actually seem willing to give her space without up and leaving her before.

"I--I don't know," she replied honestly.

"You just…want me to leave you alone?" Scotty asked with a confused frown.

Lilly thought for a moment. "No," she answered slowly. "But…I might not spend as much time with you…I need to think. So…maybe it's best if you stay at your place for a couple days."

Scotty let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. It could have been worse. A couple days. A couple days, and it'd be back to normal. He could potentially live without Lilly for a couple days.

"You're…still speakin' to me, right?" he asked, with a tentative lopsided grin.

"Of course," Lilly replied with a mystified smile. "I just…might not be around as much."

Scotty sighed again and looked at her warily. "You're…sure this'll work?"

Lilly paused. No, actually, she wasn't sure. She'd never been here before. She and Patrick hadn't wanted kids, so that problem just didn't exist for them; she and Ray had never even talked about it, and she hadn't been with anyone else long enough for the subject to even come up.

That hesitation from her was all that was necessary to start the frenzied thoughts whirling in Scotty's mind once more. She _wasn't _sure. The outcome _wasn't _guaranteed. What the hell was he agreeing to?

"Lil," he began, trying hard to keep the panic out of his voice. "You don't have to do this. You know all I want is you. I don't need kids with you to be happy. If the kid thing is gonna be a problem, we can--"

Lilly silenced him with a look and a sad smile. "Stop it," she ordered him softly. "I saw the look in your eyes when you were with those kids at your grandma's birthday. I saw how happy they made you."

"They don't make me half as happy as you do," he protested almost bitterly, his thoughts still spinning out of control and his mood rapidly darkening. _All this, and it still might be over._

He knew Lilly was still talking, but he'd be damned if he had any idea what she said next.

"This isn't just about you, Scotty," Lilly was insisting quietly. "This isn't about me giving you what you want…it's about giving _us _what _we _want. I just…need to know that I can. So…give me a couple days to think."

Scotty nodded, then wordlessly rose from the bed and started hunting around for his clothes. "Guess I'll…see ya at work, then," he said, with a nonchalant shrug.

Lilly sighed with relief. He was giving her space. He really was okay with this.

This just might work out, after all.

* * *

They hit the ground running at work, and the day flew by before Lilly even knew what hit her. A lead came in from a regular customer at Fairmount Perk, the coffee shop where Josh, Charlie, Rebecca, and the rest of the gang met regularly, that one of the former employees might have had a few screws loose. The squad spent most of the day out of the office hunting high and low for the former barista, who, when found, was fully in possession of all his faculties and had no idea who might have killed Janet. Much to everyone's dismay, the man barely even remembered her, although when Vera mentioned Janet's laugh, a light seemed to go on. That was the only flicker of recognition across the barista's face, though, and Lilly could see it wasn't an act.

She returned to the squad room so frustrated with the case that her personal issues didn't even occur to her, and she stayed so late poring over the original interviews, hoping for an unturned stone, that she didn't even notice when Scotty slipped out of the office without even wishing her good night. When she arrived home, Lilly was so drained from her day's work that she fell asleep almost before her head hit the pillow, without giving her own problems a second thought.

The next morning, Lilly was jolted out of her sleep once again by the buzz of her alarm, reached over to switch it off, then rolled over onto her side to grab a few minutes of snuggling with Scotty before they had to get up for the day. But in her dazed, half-awake state, she was surprised when, instead of Scotty's familiar, reassuring warmth, she met cold, empty space and nothing but a pillow. Her eyes snapped open. Scotty wasn't there. Where was he?

She glanced around on the floor for the clothes that usually lay scattered there when he stayed over, and saw none. As consciousness began to spread through the lingering fog of sleep, Lilly realized, with a start, that Scotty hadn't been there at all that night.

Of course he hadn't, she reminded herself, burying her face in her hands at the sudden realization. She'd told him to stay at his place for a couple days so she could process things. Take some space. Figure out how she could be who she needed to be so they could have the life they wanted.

She'd told him a couple days, she realized suddenly, as panic began to rise. A couple days, and she'd already lost one of them on a wild goose chase at work. She only had a day left. Maybe, if Scotty was in a particularly accommodating mood, she could squeeze out a third. But she realized, as she looked over at his empty half of the bed, that unless she got her act together, she'd be looking at an empty bed for quite a long time. Because if she couldn't figure things out…then what?

Shooing the unpleasant thoughts away like flies at a picnic, she climbed out of bed, gave both cats a farewell scratch on the head, and started to get ready for work.

* * *

"Mornin', sunshine," came the cheerful greeting when Lilly headed into the office, but, to her surprise, it came not from Scotty, but from Vera, who was sitting at his desk clicking away at the computer with one hand and holding a half-eaten chocolate frosted donut in the other.

"What's with you?" she asked suspiciously, coming up behind him to see what he was working so hard on. Oh, good Lord…_Tetris?_

"I'm kickin' ass at this today," he supplied, his eyes never leaving the screen. "Plus Valens and Miller already left for an interview. Way out in the suburbs, talkin' to Charlie's wife…can't remember her name. Anyway, it's gonna take 'em all morning, at least. Donuts are ripe for the pickin'," he concluded gleefully.

Lilly sighed. She supposed she should have been relieved that she wouldn't have to deal with Scotty, that she did, in fact, have an entire morning where she could process, where she could begin to figure things out without his presence to distract her. She should have been relieved.

She wasn't.

"Mornin', Lil," the velvety voice of Will Jeffries greeted her, before she had time to finish her thought. Her partner then turned his attention to Vera.

"You playin' Tetris _again_?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm on fire today," Vera gloated. "Besides, one of this chick's other ex-husbands is comin' in to talk to me in fifteen minutes, so…back off," he instructed. "I'm gettin' my game face on."

"With Tetris…" Jeffries muttered, shaking his head slightly, then turned back to Lilly. "Feel like takin' a trip to the Badlands?"

Lilly smiled, suddenly grateful for the intrusion. "Sure," she replied, taking a sip of coffee as she turned to face him. "What do we have?"

Her partner handed her a file. "Regina Phalange, another one of this motley crew. She's a massage therapist…works where Big Ed's Gym used to be."

Big Ed's Gym…why did that sound familiar?

Lilly perused the file briefly, then grabbed her coat. "Let's hit it," she said.

As Jeffries expertly navigated the streets of the Badlands, Lilly was surprised to see how much different the neighborhood looked from the last time she'd been there. The Badlands was the site of her last Homicide case before being pulled off the line to work cold jobs, and, a year later, they finally solved the triple murder of a couple of Jeffries' friends and their young employee. After being reassured that the man responsible was in custody, the victims' daughter, Nora, had reopened her parents' chicken-and-ribs joint.

"Looks like things are getting better around here," Lilly remarked, as Jeffries negotiated a turn.

"Sure are," he replied, his voice warm with both pride and nostalgia. "Della's really livened the place up again."

Lilly smiled as she took in the once ramshackle block, which was now repaired and home to what appeared to be a bustling business district. Where there had been boarded-up storefronts, there was now a plethora of restaurants and shops, as well as a colorfully repainted, and renamed, Big Ed's Gym.

"Brings back some memories," Jeffries added reflectively, and, with a start, Lilly remembered exactly why Big Ed's Gym was ringing bells in her head. In a conversation they'd had when working the chicken-and-ribs job, Jeffries had reminisced about growing up two blocks away and often heading to Big Ed's to watch guys spar.

"You ever get in the ring?" Lilly had asked him casually.

"No," he'd replied matter-of-factly. "I got hit enough in my own house."

She'd been dumbfounded by his answer, and it had taken her a few seconds to refocus her mind back on the case. But now, as she sat in the car and stole a sidelong glance in his direction…maybe he'd be able to reassure her…somehow…

"Mind if I…ask you a personal question?" Lilly began tentatively, and Jeffries looked over at her in surprise. Never, in all his years working with her, had he heard those words come out of Lilly Rush's mouth.

"Not at all," he replied with a kind smile, his eyes searching her face.

"Your…childhood…wasn't the best," she said quietly, not meeting his gaze.

"Nope," Jeffries agreed.

"Mine…" she began, then trailed off.

"Yours wasn't either," Jeffries confirmed softly, stealing a glance at his partner. Oh, he'd long suspected it, had heard rumors over the years that her mom was a drunk and her dad disappeared…and there was some drama with her sister, too…but he'd never talked to Lilly about any of it. He wasn't sure anyone had.

"No," Lilly replied wistfully, looking out the window just in time to see a young mother walk by with her two little girls. "It wasn't."

Jeffries' thoughts started to race. Why on earth would she be talking about this with him? It wasn't unwelcome, certainly; he'd long wished Lilly would open up to someone, and he'd hoped, in an almost fatherly way, that it might even be him. But what had brought this on?

"Abuse perpetuates itself," Lilly said softly, now staring down at her hands, which she was busily folding and unfolding in her lap. "We all know that. Children who were abused tend to grow up to be abusers."

"That's why Mary and I never had kids," Jeffries replied.

Lilly glanced up at him, hoping her face didn't betray her alarm. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Didn't wanna run the risk," Jeffries explained simply.

Lilly felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. If Will Jeffries, the most sane, rational, kind-hearted person she knew, was so afraid of perpetuating the cycle with his own children that he didn't have any…what hope was there for her? Her eyes widened with the enormity of this realization.

"This got somethin' to do with Valens?" she heard Jeffries ask, but through the maelstrom of her rapidly spinning thoughts, it sounded like he was miles away.

Lilly just shook her head, trying to right things enough to go in and do the interview.

"Just…wondered," she finished lamely, then grabbed the file, composed herself, and opened the car door. "Ready?"

Jeffries nodded.

* * *

Regina Phalange welcomed them warmly into her massage studio, which was heavy with the cloying scent of aromatherapy oils and decorated with candles, fountains, and peaceful-looking artwork. Lilly and Jeffries found themselves perched awkwardly on the massage table itself.

"Sorry about the lack of space," Regina explained as she lowered herself heavily into a chair opposite them. "Kinda hard to get around these days," she added, patting her pregnant belly.

"When are you due?" Lilly asked politely.

"Couple more weeks," Regina replied. "But this _so _much easier than when I had my brother's triplets."

Lilly and Jeffries exchanged a glance, and Regina giggled.

"Your…brother's triplets…" Jeffries repeated uncertainly.

"I didn't even know I had a brother," Regina explained. "It was just me and my twin sister and our mom, at least, until my mom killed herself. Our dad was in jail, so my sister and I had to live on the streets for a while. So…if I ever mugged either one of you, I'm sorry. Crazy times," she said, dismissing her childhood trauma with a slight smile and a wave of her hand.

Lilly's mind was whirling, trying to follow the back story, but Regina just kept going. "Anyway, it turns out that my mom who killed herself wasn't my birth mom; my birth mom is still alive and kicking and living in Atlantic City; it turned out that after the threesome with her and my dad and my dead mom that got my birth mom pregnant with my sister and me, my dad hooked up with somebody else and had my brother. So then my brother married his French teacher, but they couldn't have kids, so they asked me to be a surrogate, and I was all like, sure! And it turned out to be triplets! Isn't that just _fantastic_?" she enthused.

Lilly and Jeffries exchanged a quick, half-amused glance. "Sounds like a wild ride," Lilly finally commented.

"Oh, believe me…aromatherapy helped _a lot_," Regina replied emphatically. "And then I got married, and now we're having a little girl." She patted her belly fondly, then looked back up at the detectives. "Y'know, I'm really glad I get the chance to make the family I never had," she added softly, suddenly serious.

Lilly looked up in surprise. _Make the family I never had_. She wanted to press Regina, to find out how, after her shattered youth, she ever thought she could do this, could bring a child into the world with any sense of confidence at all, but Jeffries was already looking at her curiously, and she knew she couldn't, not and maintain any semblance of professionalism.

The interview itself proved no less interesting, but ultimately, not that helpful, although Regina did mention that Janet had invited herself to Charlie and Michelle's wedding, but they'd insisted that her presence would be perceived as a threat, since apparently Michelle claimed that Charlie still had feelings for Janet.

"Aren't Miller and Valens interviewing Michelle already today?" Jeffries asked, as they walked back to the car.

"Think so," Lilly replied with a shrug.

Jeffries stopped and studied his partner carefully. "You and Scotty doin' okay?" he asked, his voice low and rich with concern.

"We're fine," she answered brusquely, and her tone indicated to Jeffries that whatever had made her open up to him earlier that morning had disappeared, and she was back to being that same old closed-off Lilly. Something had rattled her, that was for sure, but he wasn't certain exactly what. He'd have to think on it…right after he figured out what kind of drugs Regina's parents must have been on when they had her. Because, he figured with a smile, as he pressed the button to unlock the car door…it was bound to be something interesting.

* * *

That night, Lilly sank down on her couch, her thoughts racing. The case was still no closer to being solved, as Michelle had insisted that Charlie didn't have any feelings for Janet whatsoever, even going so far as to claim to have been transferred to Azerbaijan to get away from her. Janet had been so clingy that Charlie had been forced to actually fly to Azerbaijan, just to prove that he was serious. Michelle had suggested her former roommate, Rebecca, Josh's ex-wife and mother of his child, as a possible suspect. It seemed that Rebecca hadn't taken too kindly to Josh sleeping with Janet. Kat and Scotty had then gone to visit with Rebecca, but her alibi checked out, so they were back to square one.

Lilly had learned all these details from Kat, and Kat alone. Scotty, it seemed, had dropped his partner off and then left work without even checking back into the office that evening. Traffic getting back into the city had been a nightmare, Kat explained, with some late-season road construction, and it had taken them until nearly dark just to negotiate their way downtown. Scotty had claimed to be coming down with something and had split for home, saying he didn't want to share his germs with everyone else. Kat had agreed with him, saying she was immune to pretty much anything, since Veronica had brought home practically every disease known to mankind since her preschool days, but the rest of 'em…sissies, Kat scoffed. Best not risk gettin' one of 'em sick and havin' to spend the next four days listenin' to 'em whine. Lilly had noticed Vera shoot Kat a brief glare during this explanation, and Kat had replied with a smirk as she finished her story.

So it had been almost two days since Lilly had even talked to her boyfriend, and she was astonished by how deeply she missed him. As she sat on the sofa, she picked up her phone and studied it as though it would answer all her questions. She was sorely tempted to call Scotty, just to hear his voice, but if she did that, he'd ask her to come over, no way in hell would she have the power to resist, and the next thing she knew, she'd probably be wrapped in his arms as he lowered her to his bed, being smothered in kisses, and then he'd--

Her reverie was interrupted by an indignant yowl from Tripod, who was staring up at Lilly as though to say, "You can have that, as soon as you figure things out. So focus, dammit."

Lilly smiled wryly, and Tripod, point made, turned around and walked out. With a sigh, Lilly delved back into far less pleasant thoughts…thoughts she didn't want to wrestle with. In the past, she wouldn't have. She simply would have swept them under the rug and pretended that they didn't matter, but now, with Scotty, they did. They mattered more than anything. So, fighting every instinct she had to just run upstairs and hide under her covers and hope this would all go away, she willed herself to replay those two important conversations she'd had that morning.

Regina Phalange had seemed quite flaky, flighty, a bit ditzy, but genuinely kind and well-meaning. She'd had a fractured childhood, and yet she'd married a wonderful man whom she obviously adored, and this, apparently, had given her the courage to bring a baby into the world. Though this should have encouraged Lilly, and in a way it did, she realized that Regina didn't seem like the sort of person to consider the consequences. Did her husband have a good childhood? Did she truly want kids, or had he talked her into it? Was Regina confident that things would be different, or was this a naïve, misguided attempt to atone for her rotten upbringing? Lilly understood the desire…but was it worth the risk?

Jeffries had apparently decided that it wasn't. He and Mary had never had children. Lilly had no idea what Mary's youth had been like, and she wasn't sure how to ask her partner that. In the end, she supposed it didn't matter. Kind, levelheaded Will Jeffries, the last person in the world she'd think would ever be abusive, had been so afraid he'd hurt his own children that he never had any. Lilly's heart was pricked with sadness at all he'd missed out on, just because of fear. She'd never have guessed it. Will Jeffries…was afraid.

She wondered if he ever regretted his decision. Especially now, now that he'd lost Mary…did he ever wish he'd had a child with her, someone who might have had her eyes, had her voice, had her smile…someone who remembered her, who loved her as much as he had? Did he ever feel like he'd missed out on something? Had Mary wanted children? Had she sacrificed her own dreams, simply because of her husband's fear? If she had…had it been worth it? Had Will's love been enough to make up for the children they never had?

Lilly knew she wouldn't be enough for Scotty. Oh, sure, he insisted she would be, but she knew better. She hadn't been enough for her own mother, for God's sake. The woman who had brought her into this world had never thought she was good enough…so how the hell would Scotty reach a different conclusion? She, on her own, would never be enough for him. And the kid thing… that wasn't just for him. Apparently, though this had come as a surprise to her…she wanted them, too. She remembered the joy on Scotty's face when he'd looked down at his newborn niece, whispering to her in Spanish and softly kissing her forehead. How much more joy would it bring him to look down at his own child…a child they'd made together, a product of the deep, almost ridiculous love they had for one another?

And…how much joy would it bring her to see that? To watch that child grow up, to see little reflections of Scotty and little reflections of her? Maybe it'd have her blue eyes and his grin…or his dark, brooding gaze, but her wide smile. She pictured the two of them teaching that child to walk…Scotty holding his arms out proudly while the little one took five or six shaky steps, and then he'd lift their baby to the sky while they both cheered as though he or she had just become President.

Tears pricked her eyes as she realized, to her horror, how much she actually did want that. Not right away, but eventually. And not just for Scotty. For her, too.

The only thing standing in the way was her rotten childhood.

She thought, once again, of Jeffries. Wondered, once more, whether or not he regretted his decision. Regardless of how Jeffries felt about it, though, Lilly knew that if she let her fear dictate her life, if she refused to bring kids into the world simply because of that…she'd regret it. And Scotty would regret it. And she knew, that, even if he didn't leave her, he'd wind up resenting her.

Lilly sighed, feeling as though she'd made some progress. She'd reaffirmed her desire for the same things Scotty wanted. But then, almost as quickly, she realized that she'd made virtually no progress. All she'd accomplished was getting to the same point she'd been at the other night. Oh, sure, that night had been something of an accident…blurting out "our kids" when she didn't even know she wanted them. Now, she knew she wanted a family with Scotty…but she was still no closer to figuring out how.

Dammit.

She needed more time.

* * *

The next morning, Scotty awoke to an empty bed…again…and a throbbing headache…again. It was the second morning he'd woken up in pain after coming home the night before and downing a few shots of scotch in an effort to make himself be okay with what Lilly was doing. _It's for the best_, he'd tried to remind himself. _She's doin' this for us_, he told himself over and over. _She loves you. She's tryin' her best to make this work. If she needs space, then your ass better give her all the space she wants._

But his heart wasn't listening. He knew she loved him, intellectually he knew that…but it was damn hard to believe that when she hadn't called, hadn't come over…and had no way of knowing whether this would even accomplish anything. For all he knew, she could take space until they were too old to even _have _kids, and she'd still be afraid to take the leap.

And that, he realized as he reluctantly rose from bed and flung up the covers, was the most frustrating thing of all. He should have been grateful, he knew that. He should have been falling on his knees every day and thanking God that she was still with him, at least on principle, that she was telling him, on a regular basis, that she loved him, that she was even _trying _to figure out how to make things work long-term.

But he couldn't see that. Right now, as he made his way to the kitchen and fumbled through his coffee preparations, all he could see was that she was claiming she loved him, but she was still gone. She wasn't calling. She wasn't coming over. She was just…gone. It was one thing for her to say she loved him when she was there, making him coffee, whispering things in his ear at work, coming up behind him and rubbing his shoulders when no one was looking, doing those things she did in bed that drove him absolutely insane and made him feel like he'd die from the pleasure…

…but when she was saying she loved him…and _not _being there, _not _doing those thoughtful things she did… her words sounded hollow and empty. Elisa had done the same thing, he realized, though for entirely different reasons. She'd say she loved him, but then she'd forget to take her meds, and the next thing he knew, she'd be shrieking at invisible giants and throwing the dishes across the room in an effort to fight them off. If she was serious about making things work with him, he'd told her countless times, she needed to take her meds. Sometimes the meds didn't work, and that was understandable…but for her to not even _take _them…that was something else altogether.

As he leaned against the counter and watched the coffee drip through to the carafe below, listening to the strange hisses and gurgles the coffee maker always belched out in the morning, Scotty realized, with a rueful smile, that words only went so far with him. He'd never really been much of a words person. Oh, sure, he knew how to use them to talk a suspect into giving up his long-held secrets, he could always find the words to tell Lilly exactly how he felt about her…but his real strength, he realized, was in _doing_, not in _saying. You can say all you want_, his dad had often told him, _but you better back it up_. And he realized this lesson had been driven home perfectly when he found himself having trouble believing in Lilly's love, even though it had grown and blossomed brilliantly over nearly a year, when her actions weren't backing it up.

Sipping his coffee and heading for the shower, he brightened somewhat. It was Thursday. Tuesday morning, she'd said she needed a couple days. It had been a couple days. Maybe today would be different. Maybe today she'd come around.

Maybe he was worrying about absolutely nothing.

* * *

Late that morning, Lilly fumbled with her gloves as she rounded the corner in the hall outside the squad room on her way back from an interview with Vera. For how warm it had been the previous week, it was now almost wintry outside. _Fall in Philly_, she mused as she finished removing her left glove.

So wrapped up was she in her task that she almost ran smack into Scotty, who was approaching from the opposite direction. They both froze, and Lilly knew that the surprise she saw on his face mirrored her own expression.

"Hey," she greeted him softly.

"Hey," he replied, meeting her eyes. She studied him. He looked tired. Careworn. _Dammit._

"So…" she began uncertainly.

"So…" he repeated, with a wavery smile. "How's that…space thing…workin' out for ya?"

He was trying to be casual, she knew he was, but she knew him better than that. She could tell by the shadows in his eyes that the lightness in his tone, that affected nonchalance, was just a cover. Her thoughts whirled frantically. Was he really not okay with this? He'd insisted he would be…

"Scotty, I…" she began, even more unsure than before how to tell him that she'd made virtually no progress, and had absolutely no idea how to even begin to _make _progress, let alone get to the place she needed to be.

Scotty felt his heart sink to the floor. She wasn't ready. Normal wasn't possible yet. He pressed his lips together tightly to absorb the disappointment.

"I need more time," she continued. "I'm just…I'm not there yet."

Scotty gritted his teeth to keep the frustration from spilling out. He wanted to lash out, wanted to read her the riot act again, but he held himself in check. Fighting with her at work…that was the last thing either one of them needed. Besides, she was trying, dammit. She was doing this for them.

"Yeah….okay," he replied, a little more sharply than he intended.

"Scotty…" Lilly protested, her voice pleading.

He refused to meet her eyes. "It's fine. Whatever," he insisted.

"Scotty," she repeated, seeking his gaze. "I love you."

Never had those words echoed more hollow and empty in his mind. He finally raised his eyes to hers, and their wideness and innocence almost convinced him.

Almost. But not quite.

"Yeah, well…I got an interview," he replied, and brushed past her on his way in, leaving Lilly standing in the hallway, staring after him in disbelief, which rapidly turned to anger as he disappeared into the squad room.

**A/N: The line to smack one or more characters forms right behind me. **


	12. Welcome to the Jungle

**Disclaimer: Any aspects of this story on the show aren't mine. Any aspects of this story NOT on the show…those ARE mine. **

**Chapter Twelve: Welcome to the Jungle **

Her anger quickly reaching a boiling point, Lilly stared after Scotty as he went into the squad room, made a brief stop at his desk to grab his notes, and then disappeared into the interview room. The way he'd looked at her like he looked at a damn suspect and then just brushed her off confirmed what she'd suspected for the entire week: he didn't trust her. Oh, sure, he acted like he was okay with her taking some space to think things over, he acted like it was all fine and dandy, but the truth had finally come out. He _wasn't _okay with it. He was lying to her. Again.

Lilly fumed all the way to her desk, where she sat down and started to fill out the interview report, but was far too angry to even begin to concentrate. Who the hell did Scotty think he was, brushing her off like that? Why the hell didn't he trust her? She understood him getting angry with her for running away, understood completely why he'd been so furious with her the other night, especially since she hadn't been honest with him, but this time? This time was completely different. She'd told him what she needed, she'd reassured him, over and over again, of her love for him, she hadn't relied on hints or expected him to read her mind…so what the hell was wrong with him that he was still acting like she'd killed his puppy?

She tried to push the thoughts of that night out of her head, knowing what had happened in the middle of their fight and desperately hoping not to think about it, not at work, for God's sake…she felt herself blushing just _trying_ notto think about it…trying not to think about the way he'd caught her off-guard with the hungriest, most predatory kiss she'd ever had in her life, the way he'd gripped her shoulders so fiercely she was surprised she didn't have bruises the next morning, the raging wildfire blazing in his eyes…

_Stop it, Rush_, she admonished herself. Realizing that her heart was racing, her cheeks had begun to flame and she was about five seconds away from having to use the barely-started interview report as a fan, she willed her thoughts in a different direction, struggling mightily to get memories of that night out of her head. She was supposed to be mad at him, dammit.

But try as she might, Lilly just couldn't stop thinking about the look in his eyes. That look…there had certainly been lust, definitely a good dose of fury, too, but there was something else…something that looked suspiciously like pain. She'd noticed it that night, but had only had the briefest of instants to puzzle over it before their clothes were gone, they were tumbling backwards onto the couch, and Scotty was--

_Stop it, Rush._

She willed herself to go back to before. _Okay, can't think about his eyes…that takes things straight to the gutter. _So she thought instead about his impassioned order for her not to run. His voice was strange, ragged sounding, tattered by anger, of course, but also…grief? Yes…it was grief she heard. At the time, she'd thought he was just being melodramatic, making a bigger deal out of her running away than he'd needed to, but…that tortured expression on his face she'd seen for just a few seconds before everything had disappeared into a blur of need…it spoke more of despair than anger. In fact, now that she thought about it, now that she finally had her hormones under control enough to be analytical, she realized that the whole scene had been driven far more by desperation than by rage. Oh, the rage was there…it was Scotty…how could it not be? But underneath that, there was a nearly hysterical fear that he'd managed to hide, and hide reasonably well, if she was just now figuring it out.

Was he that afraid of losing her? She felt some of her anger melt away at the thought…he loved her so much that the mere idea of losing her sent him into that kind of panic? No, that couldn't be the whole reason. Oh, she was definitely part of it, but that fear was so desperate, so deep-seated…it couldn't be just about her. There was more to it than fear of losing her…something else…some_one _else…

_Oh, God._

Elisa.

And in that moment, Lilly realized, with a sense of certainty that slammed into her like a truck, that she wasn't the only one in that relationship with abandonment issues. Elisa had abandoned Scotty. Oh, she hadn't done it on purpose, she hadn't leapt off that bridge to hurt him; she was at the end of her rope and unable to bear her pain any longer. But Lilly knew how devastated Scotty had been, how guilt-ridden he still was, how desperately he wished he could have been successful in his bid to save her. And, Lilly realized, the on-again, off-again nature of his relationship with Elisa couldn't have helped matters. She remembered hearing about his panicked search for her that one day when the giants had returned. Over the time they'd known each other, he'd dropped hints that his years with Elisa hadn't always been a bed of roses. And suddenly…it all came into sharp focus. A pang of guilt stabbed Lilly's soul as she realized how much pain her running away truly was bringing Scotty.

_But I'm not running away, _her heart protested. _I'm taking space. Doesn't he understand the difference?_

In a flash, she realized that, no, actually, he didn't. Hell, _she _sure didn't, not when someone did it to her…so how could she expect him to understand?

Her anger came back with a vengeance, battling for supremacy over the sudden sympathy she was feeling for Scotty. _He doesn't have any right to punish you for something someone else did to him, _it insisted.

_No, he doesn't, _she reasoned, and then, as though out of nowhere, her conscience pricked her heart. _And neither do you._

With a sigh, Lilly dropped her head into her hands as she remembered all the times she'd pushed Scotty away because she was afraid of the same kind of pain she'd suffered at the hands of Patrick, and Joseph, and Ray, and all the rest of the men she'd loved who'd all eventually left her. Didn't she, on some level, still think Scotty was going to do the same thing, even though almost a year later, he was still there? Didn't he insist, as fervently and passionately as he could, that he was in this?

Hadn't she insisted the same thing?

Lilly's anger suddenly vaporized like a morning mist and was instantly replaced by an overwhelming sense of complete and utter helplessness. She'd told Scotty she loved him, she'd done all she could to reassure him that she wasn't running away, and he still didn't believe her. How could she convince him of her love? What more could she say, what more could she do, to make him believe, once and for all, that she was in this, that she wasn't running away, she wasn't leaving him, she _loved _him. Loved him so much it hurt.

Suddenly, out of the blue, an idea appeared. It wasn't merely frightening, hell, it was borderline insane, it was something she'd never, ever, not in a million years, even _consider_, but it was _something_. Something she could do…something so crazy it just might work. And…it was the only thing she could think of.

Quickly, before she could change her mind, Lilly crossed the room to the computer and began clicking her way through search engines. Scotty's parents owned a deli, he'd told her, and Lilly was confident that there couldn't be _that _many Cuban delis in Philly. Sure enough, a quick search confirmed that there were only eight, and a more detailed scan revealed one called Ramon's. _His dad's name is Ramon…that has to be it, _Lilly thought with certainty, clicked on the link, scrolled down through the site's lengthy Spanish menu, finally found the number, and picked up the phone.

She was halfway through dialing, her hands trembling and her heart pounding, feeling like a teenager calling her boyfriend at home for the first time, when suddenly a noise behind her made her jump and drop the receiver back into its cradle with a clatter.

"Orderin' lunch?" Vera asked with interest, peering over her shoulder at the menu.

All the color drained from Lilly's face as she prayed silently that nothing on the screen would give away the restaurant as belonging to Scotty's family. It was just called Ramon's, and as far as Lilly knew, Vera didn't know Scotty's father's name…

She turned around slowly with what she hoped was a perky, carefree smile. "Thinkin' about it," she answered lightly.

Vera gave her a brief, cursory glance, then turned back to his careful study of the menu. "Cuban food, huh? Nice."

Lilly smiled sheepishly, hoping Vera wouldn't press her, and, to her relief, he didn't. It seemed he was too preoccupied with the prospect of food to care how, or why, she had chosen this particular establishment.

"That Number Three looks good," he mused, giving Lilly a friendly pat on the back. "Order me one of those, willya?"

Lilly nodded, too overwhelmed with relief to even speak. She'd order Vera anything he wanted, anything at all, just as long as he didn't ask questions. What the hell would she even say? _Oh, I'm just using my finely-honed detective skills to stalk Scotty's family and pull some crazy stunt I can't believe I'm even considering, just so my angst-ridden, paranoid boyfriend will know I'm serious about this whole thing?_

"Just…do me a favor," Vera added, a mischievous grin crossing his face.

"What?" Lilly asked warily.

"Don't tell Valens about this," he muttered, his voice low and conspiratorial.

Lilly's eyes widened in surprise. "Why's that?" she asked.

"He'd prob'ly want one too, and then I'd have to watch him put Cheez Whiz all over the damn thing," Vera chortled as he wandered off in the direction of his desk.

Lilly waited until he was out of earshot, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly, steeling herself for the task ahead. _You better get your ass in gear and do this now, _she chided herself_, or Scotty's gonna be done with that interview and come out here and wonder why the hell you're stalking his family._

Why the hell _was _she stalking his family, anyway, she wondered, as she checked the number once more, then dialed, her fingers fluttering nervously over the keypad of the phone.

_Because this is the only way I can get it through his thick skull that I mean it when I say I'm in this_, she reminded herself firmly, squelching her nerves just in the nick of time.

The phone was answered with a string of rapid-fire Spanish, and Lilly was momentarily silent. She hadn't counted on that particular unpleasant surprise.

The voice asked a couple more brief Spanish questions, then switched to English. "Can I help you?"

Lilly sighed with relief. She could tell by the ease with which the sentence was spoken that the man on the other end was, thank God, also fluent in English.

"Yes…hi…I'm, uh…looking for…Mrs. Valens. Anita, I guess. Anita Valens?" _Smooth, Rush._

"Lilly?" the voice asked with some surprise.

_Crap! _Lilly thought, glancing hastily around the room and fighting the urge to fling the phone down and just forget this whole thing.

"Yeah," she managed weakly.

"Hey!" the voice greeted her with inordinate enthusiasm. "It's me, Eduardo!"

Lilly wasn't sure whether to be relieved or horrified as she recognized the voice of Scotty's large, obnoxious cousin. "Hi," she replied tentatively.

"So you're callin' for Anita, huh? Must be somethin' serious!" he teased.

"Just…put her on the phone," she instructed him hastily, and he dropped the act.

"Sure thing," he agreed, then shouted for Anita in another torrent of Spanish. Returning to the phone, Eduardo continued. "She's comin'…can I get you somethin' to eat, maybe? We deliver."

"Oh…right," Lilly replied. "Vera wants a Number Three."

"Vera? Nick Vera?" Eduardo asked with interest. "Oh, now I'm makin' this delivery myself. That guy's a trip and a half," he declared.

_Scotty's cousin…is coming here? Oh, God. _Lilly felt her blood turn to ice, but didn't have time to even offer a protest before she heard scuffling on the other end, which was quickly replaced by Anita's softly lilting voice.

"Lilly," she said warmly, "what a pleasant surprise!"

Lilly took a deep breath. _Now or never, Rush._

"Hi," she replied tentatively, feeling suddenly ridiculous. "I was just calling to ask you…if, uh…that offer for…teaching me to make guava turnovers is still good…"

She could almost _hear _Anita smile on the other end. "Of course, _m'ija. _What are you doing this afternoon?"

* * *

In the kitchen, Kat was refilling her coffee mug when a rather frazzled-looking Lilly hurried in.

"Hey, Lil," Kat greeted her in surprise.

"Hey," she returned quickly, then continued without preamble or explanation. "I need a favor."

"Depends on what it is," Kat answered matter-of-factly.

"I need you to get rid of Scotty," was Lilly's hasty explanation.

"Get rid of him…like…take him out?" Kat asked in half-teasing surprise.

"Yes," Lilly answered, not meeting her colleague's eyes.

Kat leaned back against the counter and studied Lilly with a smile. She'd never really seen Rush…panic before, and she had to admit she was kind of enjoying it. Maybe that made her a bad person. She didn't care.

"Well, I'm a pretty good shot, but…I figured you'd wanna do that yourself," she joked.

Lilly stared up at her blankly, and then realization dawned. "No…not…not that, just…get him out of here. For a little while. For me. Please."

Kat stopped and stared. Lilly Rush…never said "please." About anything. Ever.

"Well, he's still doin' an interview …I could stall him there, talk about the case or somethin', but…you gotta tell me what this is about," she admonished softly. "Everything okay with you two?"

Lilly sighed. "Scotty's cousin is coming to deliver lunch, and…Scotty doesn't know I called his family's place, and it's long and complicated and he'll be here any minute, so just…please?"

Kat couldn't suppress her smile. "Cousin, huh? This the creepy one that hits on you?" she asked.

"No," Lilly replied. "This is the annoying one who thinks Nick Vera walks on water."

"Oh, God," Kat exclaimed, practically spitting out the coffee she'd just sipped. "Why the hell didn't you say so? Me and Man Candy are outta here," she agreed.

"It doesn't have to be long…just long enough for Eduardo to make a delivery," Lilly said quickly.

"No problem," Kat replied, a hint of disgust in her voice, and Lilly smiled with satisfaction. She knew Kat Miller would do just about anything in her power to avoid anyone related to Scotty, and even more so once she knew that this particular relation thought highly of Vera. Satisfied, she headed back out into the squad room. She had one more item of business to take care of, and then she could leave, hopefully before Eduardo even got there, and…take the afternoon off from work, in the middle of a case…to go spend the afternoon with her boyfriend's mother. Cooking. Learning to make a dessert that, until last week, she'd never even heard of.

Dear God. She really was in this.

* * *

Stillman sat at his desk and quietly replaced the phone in its cradle, making a note on a pad of scratch paper. From the observation room a few minutes ago, he'd learned that Janet Finkelstein had, in fact, been arrested on a complaint of stalking Charlie Banks, her ex-boyfriend, and he'd called the police department in their suburb to confirm that, yes, there had been stalking complaints filed against her. Twice.

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door, and he glanced up to see his favorite blonde detective standing tentatively in the doorway.

"Got a minute, Boss?" Lilly asked him.

"Sure thing," he replied. "Come on in."

Lilly slipped inside and closed the door quietly. Stillman could tell from the look in her eyes that something was bothering her, but he knew her better than to press. Whatever it was, if she wanted to share, she would. And if she didn't…even his highly developed interrogation skills probably wouldn't drag it out of her.

"I know we're in the middle of a case," she began uncomfortably, "and if it weren't important, I wouldn't be asking for this, but…I need some lost hours," she finished, looking at him almost timidly.

Stillman chuckled. "Go ahead, Lil," he replied. "You got enough lost hours stored up to take off from now 'till Christmas."

Lilly smiled, albeit still a bit nervously. "I won't need that long," she reassured him. "I just need this afternoon. I can come back in tonight if you want me to."

"Don't think that's necessary," he said in response. "Just come in first thing tomorrow, and we'll fill you in."

"Thanks," Lilly replied, but instead of looking relieved, she looked…actually even more antsy and uncomfortable.

"Everything okay?" Stillman asked, peering at her over the rims of his glasses.

"Fine," Lilly replied brusquely. "Just…family stuff," she added, with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Family stuff, huh?" Stillman echoed, his voice suddenly filled with concern.

"Nothin' bad…just…something I gotta take care of," Lilly replied, and Stillman knew from experience that that was about all he'd get out of her.

"Okay, then," he said, and Lilly tossed him a slight smile, thanked him again, and quickly ducked out of the office.

* * *

Lilly hurried to her desk, grateful that Boss hadn't pressed her for details. That family stuff she'd used as her reason… that was the truth. It just wasn't her family.

She started to gather up her things, hoping to be out of there before Eduardo showed up. Anita had said she'd be home after the lunch rush at the deli, so Lilly would have some time to kill between leaving work and showing up at the Valens townhouse, but…Scotty and Kat were nowhere to be seen, and she assumed they were safely ensconced in the interview room. Jeffries was unaccounted for, as well, and Boss was still in his office. Vera sat at his desk, and Lilly knew without a doubt that he was deeply engrossed in another game of Tetris, so perhaps he wouldn't even notice her leave. Now was the perfect opportunity.

Retrieving her coat from the rack and shrugging into it, she sighed with relief. She was on her way out. She was home free. She was--

"Lilly!" Eduardo's booming voice greeted her, and she stopped dead in her tracks, face to face with Scotty's very tall, very loud cousin. Despite the fact that Eduardo's hands were full, he swept her into an almost bone-crushingly enthusiastic hug.

"How's my favorite hot blonde?" he asked as he released her, and Lilly realized, with a sinking heart, that making a subtle exit just wasn't in the cards for her today.

Sure enough, the commotion attracted Vera's attention. "Eduardo?" he asked in surprise.

"Nicky!" Eduardo shouted in response.

"Hey, man…what're you doin' here?" Vera asked.

"Deliverin' lunch," Eduardo replied, holding up two large paper sacks and brushing past Lilly into the squad room, where he set down the packages. Vera rose from his desk and met Eduardo in the center of the office, and the two exchanged a long, ridiculously elaborate handshake.

_Dear God_, Lilly thought. _There really are two of them._

Gathering her composure, she started to head quietly for the door, hoped perhaps Vera and Eduardo would be distracted enough for her to make a quick exit.

"Hey, where you goin'?" Eduardo asked her.

Crap.

Lilly froze, then slowly turned back around. "Takin' the afternoon off," she replied.

"Not without lunch, you're not," Eduardo retorted with that damn familiar grin. "Ramon and Anita were so thrilled that someone from this office finally called that they sent enough food for everybody. So lunch today? It's on the house," he announced proudly.

"Sweet," Vera replied as he high-fived Eduardo.

Double crap.

"Ain't nothin' out there that can't wait until you've had some of Philly's finest _medianoches,_ so just take off your coat, sit down, and eat, a'ight?" Eduardo encouraged, approaching her with a wrapped sandwich.

Damn. That sandwich smelled absolutely delicious, and Lilly realized she was starving.

"A'ight," she agreed reluctantly as she took the sandwich from Eduardo and returned to her seat.

"A'ight?" the deep voice of Will Jeffries echoed in disbelief, and Lilly's heart sank yet again. She saw her partner, who was just exiting the interview room, shake hands with Charlie, show him the door, and then glance curiously from her to Eduardo. "You two…know each other?" he asked.

"_Know _each other?" Eduardo repeated as he flung an arm around Lilly's shoulders. "We're practically family!"

Anything Jeffries might have said was cut off, to Lilly's relief, by ecstatic noises from Vera as he bit into his sandwich.

"God, Eduardo," he exclaimed around his mouthful. "It's official…I'm puttin' you in my will."

"Don't you kinda have to have money for that?" Jeffries teased.

"Well, I just wrote you out of it, so I got some left over," Vera retorted.

"Grab a sandwich," Eduardo encouraged, perching on the edge of Scotty's desk and opening up his second paper bag. "Lunch is on me today."

"Well, I've never met you before, but I like you already," Jeffries replied warmly as he shook Eduardo's hand, then grabbed a sandwich and dug in.

As she took a tentative first bite of her lunch, which really was absolutely delicious, Lilly heard another door open and whirled around in alarm, then sighed with relief. It was just Boss, who had emerged from his office and was looking around curiously.

"What smells so good out here?" he asked.

"Lunch," Eduardo answered, tossing a sandwich in his direction. Stillman caught it expertly and headed over to their little cluster of desks, where he pulled up a chair next to Vera and enthusiastically began to unwrap his sandwich.

_Perfect_, Lilly mused wryly. _The gang's all here._

* * *

Scotty sighed in frustration as he and Jeffries inished yet another interview with Charlie. They'd gotten something of a new lead, with Janet's stalking, but Scotty was sure the complaints were just because she'd been so annoying that and Charlie and Michelle had been forced to do something. Janet didn't seem unbalanced enough to be a stalker, really…just…annoying.

Scotty watched Jeffries escort Charlie out, then sank down into a chair in the observation room and smiled ruefully at his partner, who'd been watching from behind the glass.

"Helluva case, huh?" Kat asked, sitting down next to him.

"Man," Scotty replied. "No one's got a real clear motive. Only common thread is everyone thinks Janet Finkelstein was the most annoyin' person they'd ever met."

"I can relate to that," Kat replied, and Scotty chuckled.

"Well, me too," he agreed, "but…just bein' annoyed with someone…that ain't motive for murder…is it?"

"Could be, sometimes," Kat mused. "Rush was about to take your head off this mornin'."

Scotty instantly bristled, the case momentarily forgotten. "She's got a lotta nerve, bein' pissed at me," he declared.

"Well, what'd you do to piss her off?" Kat retorted. "Had to be somethin'. Always is with you."

Scotty shot his partner a dark glare. "Lil's takin' space," he explained, "which sounds to me like some fancy-ass psychobabble that means she's runnin' off and leavin' me in the dust."

Kat sighed. She didn't want to get into this, really, she didn't, but…Lil had been so adamant that Scotty not be there when his cousin showed up that Kat felt like she really didn't have a choice.

"Did Lil _say _she was leavin' you?" she asked pointedly, arching a brow.

"No," Scotty admitted, after a pause. "She said she needed a couple days to think things over and make sure she could do this relationship. She's…kinda gotta lotta issues," he added reluctantly.

"Rush? Issues? _No_," Kat replied in sarcastic disbelief, and Scotty chuckled again despite himself.

"Me and her…we're…gettin' kinda serious, looks like…or…at least, it did 'till last week, after she met my family," he continued. "We had this fight, and she said my family just reminded her of all the stuff she didn't have growin' up, and she wants to try and figure out how she can make it work if we ever have kids."

"_Kids?"_ Kat practically choked, then quickly recovered. "Are you a special kinda stupid, Valens?" she asked.

Scotty arched his eyebrows in response.

Kat rolled her eyes. "Lil's takin' some time to make sure she can have a healthy relationship…and kids…with your sorry ass, God alone knows why…and you think she's _leavin' _you?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, when you put it that way…" Scotty began, but Kat cut him off.

"Dammit, Man Candy," she exclaimed. "You can either have Rush the way she is now, issues and all, or you can be patient, give her a little time to process, and maybe you can have everything you want. But life ain't a vending machine; you don't put money in, take stuff out, and kick the machine when it doesn't work. Dumbass," she spat in exasperation.

Scotty blinked in surprise, then shrugged, wordlessly conceding her point. "Well, I'm a cute dumbass," he added teasingly. "At least…Lil thinks I am…"

Kat glanced at him in disgust. "Glad you're her type, 'cause you _so _ain't mine," she replied.

Scotty chuckled, then looked up at Miller with interest. "So what _is _your type, anyway? Do you even _have _a type?"

Kat shot him a glare. "None of your damn business. Just 'cause you wanna go paradin' your love life around for the world to see doesn't mean all of us are like that."

Scotty continued to study his partner, suddenly very, very curious. "So…you got a type…or not?" he pressed.

Kat rolled her eyes. "No wonder you and Rush are havin' problems," she remarked, and Scotty was amazed at how deftly she'd turned the conversation back to him and Lilly. That certainly wasn't like her. Usually she wanted to avoid the topic at all costs.

His partner wasn't finished, though. "People say stuff to you, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. Do you _ever _listen when someone's talkin' to you?" she demanded.

Something about what she said pricked Scotty's conscience, and he realized, to his chagrin, that Miller was right. That morning…Lilly had said she loved him, those three little words that, less than a year ago, he'd have given his right arm to hear her say, and today, she'd said them, she'd meant them, and he'd…

"Crap," he burst out softly, dropping his head into his hands. "I really am a dumbass."

"That's all I'm sayin'," Kat replied with a satisfied smile.

Scotty sighed and grinned ruefully, trying to figure out a way to apologize to Lilly and make things right, then pulled up short and sniffed the air quizzically. Something smelled delicious. Delicious…and very, very familiar.

"You smell that?" he asked Kat.

Kat glanced at her watch. They'd been in there for fifteen minutes…surely that was long enough for that annoying-ass cousin of Scotty's to drop off the food and split. Satisfied, she grinned and headed for the doorway.

"Smells like lunch," she remarked. She had to admit, it did smell good. Maybe she'd steal some of Vera's when he wasn't looking.

Scotty opened the door for her, and then stepped out behind his partner to find…

Oh. My. _God._

Was that--?

It _was_.

How the--?

Scotty's mind raced in a thousand directions at once as he took in the scene before him: Vera, Jeffries, and Stillman were all hunched over desks, surrounded by paper bags, scattered wrappers, wadded-up napkins, and cans of soda, happily chowing down on what could only be his father's famous _medianoches_, and in the middle of the fray, grinning like the cat that ate the damn canary, was...

…Cousin Eduardo.

How the _hell _did he--?

Eduardo heard the door open and glanced around to see who it might be, took one look at Scotty, and burst out laughing.

"Duuuude," he remarked, taking in both Scotty's tailored suit and the deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. This day was just getting better and better.

"What?" Scotty finally managed.

"You look like such a poser, man," Eduardo replied. "This big office, that fancy-ass suit you're wearin'…"

"What's wrong with the suit?" Scotty asked with chagrin. He wasn't sure how Eduardo had gotten here, but he was giving serious consideration to beating the crap out of whoever was responsible.

"Nothin', man," Eduardo chuckled, whipping out his cell phone camera and snapping a picture before Scotty even knew what hit him. "It's just--"

"Dude, put that thing away," Scotty ordered indignantly. "You've seen me in a suit before."

"Yeah, only when someone dies or gets married. So which is it today?" Eduardo asked, then turned his attention back to the phone. "I'm showin' this picture to your mom when I get back. She ain't gonna _believe _this."

Vera and Jeffries glanced at each other suspiciously as Stillman continued to wolf down his sandwich, completely oblivious to everything around him.

"Your mom?" Vera asked Scotty pointedly, his sandwich paused halfway between the wrapper and his mouth, but his query was ignored. Scotty was busy sighing huffily, shedding his jacket, ripping off his tie, and rolling up his shirt sleeves.

"Better?" he asked Eduardo sarcastically.

"Yeah, you look like you again," Eduardo replied. "Plus, now I can feed you this without worryin' about you gettin' those fancy duds of yours all greasy." He tossed his cousin a wrapped sandwich, which Scotty caught almost reflexively.

"Now shut up and eat," Eduardo ordered with a grin. "It's your favorite; your dad made it special for ya."

"Your _dad_?" Jeffries repeated. Another glance at Vera confirmed that the two detectives had rapidly reached the same conclusion, and they instantly turned menacing glares in Scotty's direction.

"What?" Scotty asked defensively.

"Your dad made this for you?" Vera inquired, in the same tone he used with suspects.

"Yeah, so?" Scotty retorted.

"Your family…owns this place?" Jeffries asked with elaborate casualness.

"Yeah," Scotty repeated.

"Ever…maybe think about tellin' us?" Jeffries pressed, irritation creeping into his voice. "Five years workin' together, and you never bothered to mention that your family owns a restaurant? A really, really, damn good restaurant?"

Scotty glanced incredulously from Vera to Jeffries. They weren't kidding…they actually were angry with him, it seemed. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"We coulda been eatin' like kings this whole time," Vera griped indignantly.

"As opposed to the pigs you actually are?" Kat retorted.

Vera looked up and turned his glare on her. "Have you _tried_ this stuff?" he asked pointedly.

"No," Kat replied, placing a hand on her hip.

"Then grab a sandwich, sit down, and be quiet," Vera ordered.

Kat, taken aback, fixed Vera with her own glare, but he didn't budge, and she finally rolled her eyes, grabbed a sandwich, unwrapped it, and took a bite, just to shut him up. How the hell dare he think he could just--?

"Oh, my God," she moaned around her mouthful of sandwich. "This stuff is the _shiz_-nit."

"Told you so," Vera couldn't resist gloating. Kat shot him a glare, but it was halfhearted. Lunch was far more pressing at the moment.

"So…we've been eatin' limp hot dogs and crappy sandwiches from the cart outside," Jeffries began, "for five _long _years…when we coulda been havin'…_this?"_ he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Stillman piped up, turning his piercing gaze on Scotty. "Surely you get some kind of…family discount."

Scotty finally found his voice and indicated Stillman with a hand. "Okay, that? That right there? That's why I never told you people."

It was Kat's turn to level Scotty with a homicidal glare. "You ain't tellin' us about the best food in Philly because you don't wanna share your family _discount?_" she asked incredulously.

Eduardo, from his throne in the center of the room, grinned broadly, clearly enjoying every minute.

"Yeah, Scotty, what gives?" he asked. "You never call us. Don't you love us anymore?" he finished, his voice ripe with melodrama.

Scotty glanced at Eduardo in disbelief. "_You_ of all people should be able to figure out that if I extend my… 'family discount' to these no-good moochers, Dad's place'll go broke in, like, a month!"

Eduardo rolled his eyes. "Oh, quit bein' such a whiny little sissy girl and eat your sandwich."

Scotty glowered at his cousin, then realized he couldn't ignore that delectable aroma, or his empty stomach, any longer. With a sigh, he sat down, tore off the wrapper, and bit into his sandwich. It really was damn good. His dad had pulled out all the stops.

"This sandwich sure is great," Jeffries remarked, then glanced up at Scotty. "Just needs one thing."

"What's that?" Scotty asked, around his mouthful.

Jeffries grinned devilishly. "Little dab of Cheez Whiz, and this thing'd be perfect."

Kat and Vera burst out laughing while Scotty glared, then picked up a handful of napkins and threw them half-heartedly at Jeffries. "Would you quit givin' me crap about that?" he demanded, though his smile belied the severity of his tone.

"Cheez Whiz?" Eduardo asked blankly. "Did I miss somethin'?"

Vera looked up at Eduardo conspiratorially. "Dude puts Cheez Whiz on his cheesesteak," he explained in disgust, indicating Scotty with a jerk of his head.

"What's wrong with that?" Eduardo asked in reply. "It's good." Scotty shot him a silent thankful glance, and the two bumped fists.

Jeffries sighed and rolled his eyes. "Guess they really are related…" he muttered.

"So," Scotty began, taking another bite of sandwich, then looking up at Eduardo. "Who called in this order, anyway?"

"That gorgeous blonde girlfriend of yours," Eduardo answered with a smirk.

Scotty's eyes widened in shock. _Lil_ had called his family's place? Utterly dumbfounded, he glanced around the room to see where she was. He hadn't heard a peep out of her, but he supposed, after the encounter they'd had that morning, that she wouldn't exactly be overly chatty with him. Not that he blamed her. To his surprise, however, he didn't even see her.

"Where is she, anyway?" he asked, craning his neck to see if her coat was still hanging on the rack in the hallway.

"Took off a while ago," Vera replied.

"Interview?" Scotty asked as he took another bite of his lunch.

"Takin' lost hours," Stillman added, polishing off the last of his sandwich and wadding up the paper wrapper. "Said somethin' about family stuff."

Scotty sat up straight, instantly alarmed. "Family stuff?" he repeated. "What kinda family stuff?"

"Didn't say," Stillman answered, still savoring that last bite.

"There's more food," Eduardo told him with a grin, and Stillman paused briefly, then reached across Vera for another sandwich.

Scotty, his lunch momentarily forgotten, kept peppering Stillman with questions. "Did she seem all right?"

"Seemed fine," he replied, far more interested in unwrapping his second _medianoche_ than getting involved.

Irritation began to rise in Scotty's chest. Lilly was taking off work, something she never, ever did, so it had to be something serious, and everyone else, even Boss, was too busy stuffing their faces to even care. Did it ever occur to any of these morons that maybe Lilly needed someone?

Maybe…maybe she needed _him_.

Impulsively, Scotty pulled his phone out and began to dial the familiar number. He had to talk to her. He had to see if he could help, space be damned. He was her boyfriend, for God's sake, and he had to--

He was stopped dead in his tracks by the sound of Kat clearing her throat. He lowered the phone and looked up, only to see her leveling him with her best "don't mess with me" look.

"Remember what we talked about?" she asked him pointedly. Scotty was silent, and she continued. "If she needs you, she'll call. Now…your cousin just brought us the best food this damn office has ever seen, and you're ruinin' it by worryin' like some old blue-haired fussbudget. So quit your whinin' and eat!"

Scotty sighed in defeat, flipped his phone closed, and bit once again into his sandwich, all the while Eduardo was guffawing to his right.

"I swear to God," Eduardo remarked, turning to Kat. "If I wasn't already taken…I'd marry you."

Everyone else, even Scotty, had to laugh. Everyone, that is, except Vera. He had turned his glare onto Eduardo, but everyone else was too busy laughing, and eating, to notice.


	13. You're Gonna Make It

**Disclaimer: Other than Scotty's relatives, I don't own these characters. I do own a recipe for guava turnovers. They're as good as advertised.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: You're Gonna Make It**

_You're gonna make it  
Yes you're gonna make it  
Don't you worry about a thing that's happened in your life  
You're gonna make it  
Yes you're gonna make it  
Don't you worry about a thing it's gonna be all right_

Lilly took a deep breath and knocked on the door softly, almost tentatively, hoping that Anita either wouldn't be home or wouldn't hear her knock, but knowing that she'd probably have no such luck. Anita had said she'd be home by 2:00, and it was already past 2:15.

_Get a grip, Rush_, she ordered herself, gritting her teeth with determination. _He doesn't think you're in this? You're so in this it's not even funny, and if this doesn't prove it, nothing will._

Her inner monologue was interrupted by the click of the lock and the creak of the front door, and Lilly was greeted by Anita's warm smile and sparkling brown eyes.

"Lilly," she said softly. "Come in, come in."

Lilly entered uncertainly, and Anita helped her with her coat and hung it on the rack in the corner. Glancing around the living room, she was surprised to see how large it actually looked when there weren't dozens of people crammed into it.

"Bigger than it seemed last time, no?" Anita asked with a soft chuckle, and Lilly found herself blushing and trying to come up with some sort of coherent explanation.

"It's okay, Lilly," Anita reassured her kindly. "I felt the same way the first time I met them."

Lilly glanced up in surprise, too stunned to speak, and Anita chuckled again. "It was just as much of a shock to me the first time Ramon took me to meet his family," she explained, placing a supportive hand on Lilly's arm. "I didn't come from a family like that, either," she added quietly.

While Lilly was still pondering this, curious as to how Scotty's mother knew anything about her family, and wondering what the hell else Scotty must have spilled the beans about, Anita was leading her into the kitchen. She handed Lilly an apron, and Lilly blinked at it in surprise, then put it on uncertainly, not able to recall if she'd ever, in her entire life, worn one before.

Apron on, she turned to face Anita with a sigh. "I'm warning you…I don't cook," she said flatly. "Never have."

Anita smiled. "Nonsense," she said. "You're smart, so that means you can learn, and you're here, so that means you're _willing_ to learn. You can figure this out."

"I'm not kidding," Lilly insisted. "The only thing I can make is pancakes, and that's only because Scotty taught me."

"So he _was _paying attention," Anita mused with a smile. "Sometimes I wondered if all the cooking lessons we all gave those two knuckleheaded _niños_ did any good."

"Well, Scotty was definitely paying attention," Lilly grinned, remembering the handful of times he'd made her breakfast.

"Good," Anita said proudly, as she began to bustle around the kitchen gathering ingredients. "I didn't always have high hopes for him. For either one of them, frankly."

Lilly knew the tone of voice of someone who had a story to share, so she arched a brow in silent encouragement. Anita's eyes twinkled merrily as she grinned at Lilly.

"I remember one Mother's Day when Mike and Scotty decided to cook me breakfast in bed, except I kept smelling smoke, so I came downstairs to investigate. When I got here, this whole part of the wall was on fire," she said, indicating a swath behind the stove, "and those two _tontos_ were standing there, pointing at each other, and saying 'He did it,'" she laughed.

Lilly burst into a fit of giggles, picturing a young Scotty putting on his best innocent face and trying to weasel out of the trouble he'd no doubt be in.

"How did you keep a straight face?" she managed to ask.

Anita's chuckles gradually faded as she brushed a tear from beneath her eye. "I didn't," she admitted. "But…even he learned a thing or two…and so can you," she said with a confident smile, turning her attention back to her cupboards.

"So…if Scotty learned so well, how does he not know how to make these turnovers? Didn't he ever ask you for the recipe?" Lilly asked, lapsing back into detective mode before she could stop herself.

Anita smiled again. "He asked me for it hundreds of times…but this is something special I make for Scotty because I know how much he loves it, and I want you to be able to do the same. I'm passing the torch," she added with a shrug.

"To someone who doesn't even cook?" Lilly asked helplessly as she took a seat at the counter.

"You keep saying you don't cook," Anita began, "but…if you can make pancakes, you can make these." She smiled fondly as she fished a set of measuring cups from a drawer. "Sometimes I think these turnovers are easier than pancakes. I used to burn mine all the time before Ramon showed me I had the heat turned too high," she finished with a soft, almost girlish giggle.

Lilly's head snapped up in surprise. Anita Valens? Restaurant co-owner? Professional baker? Maker of the dessert that made Scotty so deliriously happy…had struggled with…_pancakes_?

"I wasn't always a professional, Lilly," Anita explained. "For a while, I was just a waitress. I took some classes, worked my way up…like we all did. You don't need to go to some fancy school to learn to cook…you just need love. And I can tell by the way you look at my son that you're going to make these turnovers every bit as well as I do."

"Well, I don't know about that," Lilly demurred, but Anita met her eyes, and Lilly could tell by the expression in their eerily familiar, coffee-colored depths, that Scotty's mother wasn't kidding.

"It's obvious how you feel about him, Lilly," Anita told her gently.

Yes, it was obvious…apparently, to everyone but Scotty, Lilly thought bitterly, and, to her shock, and utter horror, she felt the sting of tears. _No…please…not here…not now. _She ducked her head, hoping to hide them from Anita, but that penetrating gaze, that same damn gaze that had called her on her crap for five years, was fixed on her, and suddenly Anita was out of the kitchen and standing behind Lilly with both hands on her shoulders.

"Lilly…what's wrong?" she asked.

It wasn't what she said…it was how she said it. The love, the concern…the fact that this woman, this tiny little Puerto Rican woman with whom she'd barely spent ten minutes alone was showing her more maternal compassion than her own mother ever had, suddenly caused all the stress and sadness and frustration of the past week, and probably more, to overwhelm Lilly in a flood. Being here, in the midst of the kind of love and acceptance that she'd never had, and coming face to face with the fact that her horrendous childhood might very well rob her of the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world…seeing what she'd always longed for, mere inches out of her grasp, but knowing that the best she could hope for was just brushing it with her fingertips before it was yanked away from her forever…she couldn't fight the anguish anymore and dissolved into helpless tears.

Anita didn't move, didn't say anything, just stood behind her with her hands on her shoulders, and that made the tears flow even more. All the tears Lilly had shed as a child had been in the privacy of her closet, or alone in her room while her mother was passed out on the sofa. She'd never had anyone to comfort her, and she hadn't realized how much she'd missed until it was standing right behind her.

"I'm sorry," she managed to choke out. "I really don't know what's…I'm just…"

"Cry it out," Anita urged softly as she handed her a tissue. "Whatever it is, you gotta get it out, or it'll eat you alive."

Lilly would rather have done anything else, anywhere else, but her long-buried emotions simply wouldn't take no for an answer, so she reluctantly gave them free reign and continued to sob helplessly while Anita stroked her hair and stood behind her in silence.

"I hate this," Lilly finally burst out in frustration.

"I know," Anita replied softly, and at that, Lilly dabbed at her still-flowing tears and turned around in shock. She hadn't said _what _she hated, and yet somehow…something in Anita's voice told her that…she really did know.

"I had a terrible childhood, too," Anita explained with a compassionate smile.

A sudden surge of irritation pierced through the tears as Lilly frowned at Anita in disbelief. What the hell had Scotty done, told his mother every single thing he knew about her?

"My son didn't say a word," Anita reassured her, leaving Lilly to wonder if the woman had actual psychic powers, or was just an excellent detective in her own right. "He didn't need to. I could see it in your eyes at dinner."

"See…what?" Lilly asked cautiously, wiping away the last traces of her tears. She thought she'd hidden it…thought she'd played her part well, but…

"You were overwhelmed," Anita said simply. "And I don't blame you. These Valenses…_madre de Dios_…they're loud, they're affectionate, and there are just so _many_ of them…and they love each other so much it's ridiculous."

"Yeah," Lilly agreed softly.

"And when you don't grow up with that kinda love…you wonder how in the world you're ever gonna fit in with people who did," she concluded, giving Lilly's shoulders a gentle squeeze.

Surprise, and recognition, flickered across Lilly's face, and Anita chuckled as she rounded the corner and busied herself in the kitchen once more.

"My family moved from Puerto Rico to New York when I was four, and my mother died three years later," she explained. "Scotty may have told you…my Papi, God rest his soul, was a professional boxer, and after we lost my mother, he was so devastated that he spent all his time at the gym, and left my brothers and me on our own. Days would go by and we wouldn't see him. When he was home…he'd shut himself away in his room, and if we dared to go in…there'd be hell to pay."

Anita's explanation stole Lilly's breath. She told her tale without even a trace of bitterness, almost as though it had happened to someone else. "I'm sorry…I had no idea," Lilly finally said.

"Of course you didn't, _m'ija_," Anita agreed. "Because Scotty doesn't even know."

"He--he doesn't?" Lilly was astounded. A close-knit family like that…how could he not?

Anita met her eyes. "Do you know how badly that boy would beat himself up if he _did_ know? God knows he already takes on enough of the world's problems. He didn't need mine, too. Besides…Papi finally got some grief counseling, and we got back the years the locusts had eaten. The Papi who smiled again, who laughed, who showed Scotty his famous right hook…_that_'_s_ the man Scotty knew as his granddad, and I'm not about to take that away from him. There'd be no point."

Lilly nodded slowly and swore herself to secrecy, dumbfounded that Anita Valens was sharing secrets with her that she'd never even shared with her own son.

Anita smiled and continued. "Anyway, I left home at sixteen…my brothers were all out of the house by then, and one of them had moved here to Philly to be a mechanic. He had an extra room in his apartment, so I saved my money and he sent me what he could, and one day I hopped the train and never looked back. I found a job as a waitress at a little hole-in-the-wall diner, and there was this busboy who caught my eye." A warmth began to sparkle in Anita's eyes. "It was love at first sight with him…we were crazy about each other. Always sneakin' off on our breaks, savin' our tips to go to the movies sometimes…it was heaven."

Anita smiled wistfully and went on with her story. "And then…he brought me to meet his family. And they were so huge, so loving…it overwhelmed me, and I broke it off with Ramon and didn't talk to him for two weeks. I just didn't see how I could do that, after what I'd been through as a girl…but Ramon was patient with me, and he made me see that I could. And…he was right," she finished.

"Weren't you ever afraid of having kids?" Lilly asked before she could stop herself.

Anita studied Lilly for a minute with that same unnervingly perceptive gaze. "You're afraid that if you have children, you'll treat them the same as you were treated?" she asked.

Lilly nodded, her blue eyes wide with fear.

"Ay, _m'ija," _Anita said compassionately. "The fact that you're worried? Means you already love these _niños_ far more than you were ever loved. And I know you've got it in you to love them…because I know how much you love my son."

Lilly was dumbfounded. Anita was…absolutely right.

"Whatever you and Scotty want from life, whatever the two of you decide…" Anita added lightly, "you're gonna be just fine."

The simplicity and quiet confidence in her voice, the swiftness with which that declaration stole all of Lilly's cares, silenced her swirling thoughts, and lifted a huge weight from her heart was utterly astonishing. All Lilly could do was stare, dumbfounded, as Scotty's mother looked back at her with sparkling eyes and a knowing smile.

"Now…what do you say we make some guava turnovers?" Anita suggested, and Lilly grinned as she rose from the stool and rounded the corner. Suddenly, what lay ahead didn't seem quite so daunting anymore.

* * *

Moments later, Lilly stood in the kitchen, staring helplessly at the plethora of ingredients in front of her, then gaped at her boyfriend's mother in shock. Anita was trying, and trying hard, to hide her grin, much like Scotty often did, but…much like Scotty, she was failing miserably.

"What's so funny?" Lilly asked, arching a brow.

"You look like a deer caught in headlights, _m'ija,_" Anita replied, trying to hide her laughter. "They're just ingredients."

"Ingredients?" Lilly repeated. "At my house, ingredients were ketchup packets from fast-food places and whatever was spinnin' under the lamp at the 7-11," she explained helplessly.

Anita responded with a nonchalant shrug. "Then imagine how surprised Scotty's gonna be when these little jewels pop outta your oven," she replied.

"_My_ oven?" Lilly repeated, eyes wide with surprise. "I thought…"

"Oh, this is where I show you how to make them," Anita declared gently. "But the batch you make for Scotty…that's gotta come from your kitchen. Or his. But not mine."

Though she supposed she should have been chagrined, and terrified, at the realization that she'd have to pull off magic in the kitchen not once, but twice, Lilly couldn't help but feel…relieved. She was getting a practice run. If these turnovers came out as terrible as she felt certain they would, at least she'd get a second chance before she had to inflict them on Scotty.

"Just break it down into baby steps," Anita encouraged. "The first thing we're gonna do is cut the dough." She handed Lilly a pizza cutter and a ruler and instructed her as to the precise dimensions of each square.

"Now, this, I can handle," Lilly said with a smile. "The pizza cutter and I are old friends." After watching Anita cut one square, Lilly did the rest, her confidence increasing by the minute, and Anita wrapped a flour-covered arm around Lilly's shoulders in congratulations. Lilly flinched slightly at the contact, but Anita didn't let up, and Lilly eventually allowed herself to relax.

"Time for seasoning," Anita announced after the last square was cut, and handed Lilly a shaker filled with cinnamon. "Just sprinkle it on, as much as you want. Scotty likes a lot," she added conspiratorially, so Lilly gave the dough a good dusting.

"Now, I'll share one of my secrets," Anita said softly. "You gotta use fresh nutmeg, not that artificial stuff that comes in a can," she instructed, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"Nutmeg…comes in a can?" Lilly asked blankly.

"Oh, I knew I liked you!" Anita exclaimed happily.

"No, seriously," Lilly replied. "What's nutmeg?"

If Lilly hadn't been paying attention, she would have missed the brief flicker of surprise that crossed Anita's face. _So it IS possible to catch this woman off-guard, _Lilly mused.

"You…really don't cook, do you?" Anita finally asked, reality seeming to sink in.

"Not a bit," Lilly answered with a matter-of-fact smile.

Anita was undaunted. "It's okay. I like a challenge," she declared, and Lilly was slightly startled. That was _her _line.

Without missing a beat, Anita took a grater and, the heady fragrance of nutmeg filling the air, she showed Lilly how to sprinkle it onto the dough.

"This…really isn't that hard yet," Lilly was forced to admit as she finished with the nutmeg and set it aside."

"I told you it wasn't," Anita replied with a smile, then handed Lilly a small glass jar. "Filling comes next," she announced.

"What's this?" Lilly asked, studying the jar carefully.

"My secret," Anita replied. "It's guava preserves I make myself." At the panicked look in Lilly's eyes, Anita placed a reassuring hand on her arm. "I'm sending one home with you, don't worry. I'm not gonna make you do _everything _yourself."

Lilly smiled with relief, and Anita showed her exactly how much filling to place in each square. After sealing them and crimping them with a fork, Lilly was astonished to learn that they were finished.

"That's it?" she asked in amazement.

"That's it," Anita confirmed.

"I can…I think I can do this," Lilly realized, a smile beginning to spread across her face. "I can _do _this," she said again, an almost giddy enthusiasm bubbling forth in her voice.

"I knew you could," Anita replied as she slid the turnovers into the fridge, then turned to Lilly with a mischievous grin.

"They've gotta chill for thirty minutes, and bake for thirty minutes," she announced. "So…you ready for the baby pictures?"

Lilly grinned widely in response.

* * *

A few minutes later, the two were settled on the living room couch with steaming cups of tea and a thick photo album. Lilly was astonished. All she had from childhood was a shoebox and only a couple stacks of pictures, but Anita had actually put Scotty's photos in an album…organized chronologically, even. It was truly a sight to behold.

Anita sipped her tea, smiled, and opened the album to the first page, and Lilly couldn't suppress her grin, or the girlish giggle that escaped her lips, when she caught her first glimpse of her boyfriend as a baby. He'd been surprisingly chubby, with adorable curls and that ever-present grin, but also had a mischievous spark in his huge brown eyes that warned whoever happened to be paying attention that he was mere seconds away from getting into trouble.

"When Scotty was happy, he was the happiest baby you could ever imagine," Anita reminisced. "He giggled and cooed and the whole world was happy with him…but he could turn on a dime, and when he cried…_madre de Dios_, I never knew someone so tiny could have such strong lungs. I'm surprised we didn't all go deaf," she chuckled. "And he was into _everything_. He crawled faster than any baby any of us had ever seen; we had to watch him constantly, or he'd be climbing the bookshelves or sampling the dog's dinner before we even knew what hit us."

Lilly laughed, finding none of Anita's memories the least bit difficult to picture as she continued flipping through the pages that depicted Scotty's infant and toddler years.

Anita turned another page, and Lilly burst into giggles again. A now-older Scotty, wearing a pair of blue pajamas and a red cape, grinning widely and flexing his five-year-old biceps for the world to see.

"There's gotta be a story behind this," she urged.

"Oh, there is," Anita replied with a warm smile. "We took the boys to see Superman when it came out. They both loved it, but…Scotty became almost obsessed with it. He came home and tied a blanket around his shoulders that was so long he'd trip over it, and he wore that silly thing until Abuelita took pity on him and made him that little red cape in the picture," she said, grinning fondly. "Anyway, he'd fly through the house looking for someone to save. He always did want to save the world, that son of mine. But…the Superman thing got a little out of hand."

_April 26, 1979_

_Anita stood in the kitchen, peeling potatoes for supper, and was pleasantly surprised when Ramon sneaked up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Ramon usually wasn't home for supper, needing to serve the customers at the deli before he ate his own meal, but when Anita asked him about it, he simply shrugged and said he missed his family. Anita didn't press further, just smiled warmly and continued peeling._

_They were interrupted by a shout of "It's a bird…it's a plane….it's Suuuuuupermaaaan!" from the living room, followed by a mighty crash and an "Ow! I'm okay!"_

_Anita glanced at Ramon to find his eyes twinkling with amusement. "How long has he been doing that?" he inquired._

"_Ever since you had the brilliant idea to take him to that silly movie," Anita replied with a smile._

_Another shout, another crash. "Ow! I'm okay!"_

_Anita stopped her peeling and turned to face Ramon with a no-nonsense look in her eyes, the one he'd learned, over the years, meant that his immediate agreement was required, or there'd be hell to pay._

"_We have got to get that boy into organized sports," she declared, her voice rising on the last few words to be heard over another round of triumphant shouting and thundering footsteps from her energetic younger son._

"_Por supuesto, querida," Ramon replied, kissed her cheek once more, then, upon hearing yet another, even louder crash, headed into the living room to assess the damage._

"It wasn't too bad," Anita said with a grin. "We had to get a new coffee table, but…no stitches that time, so overall, it was a pretty good day."

As Anita continued turning pages, Lilly saw pictures of gap-toothed grins, soccer teams, Christmases, and Little League games. One particular page featured Scotty grinning proudly next to an older man with a black Mustang.

"That's my brother who came to Philly…his uncle Manny," Anita explained. "Ramon…put in a lot of hours at the restaurant, and Scotty needed someone. So he and Manny spent a lot of time together for a few years; he taught Scotty everything he ever wanted to know about cars. Those two went to a _lot_ of car shows together," she said with a smile.

Lilly grinned in response. "That car knowledge has come in handy on more than one case," she replied. "He's the only one in the squad who can tell us anything about chrome bumpers and headlight styles."

"Well, that's Manny's influence," Anita said fondly.

Anita turned one more page, and Lilly gasped silently as she saw that gangly, messy-haired teenager Scotty always claimed to be, and which she now saw wasn't that far from the truth, wearing a suit that didn't quite fit, with his arm slung awkwardly around a pretty brunette with highly teased hair and a shiny dress with puffy sleeves. Scotty and Elisa. Age fourteen. She couldn't help but giggle.

"We can just skip over these," Anita murmured apologetically, but Lilly smiled and stopped her gently.

"It's okay…I know about Elisa. Even met her a couple times," she explained.

"Oh?" Anita asked with interest. "Do tell."

Lilly grinned with the memory. "It was right after we started working together; we got this case from 1969…"

_March 7, 2004_

_Lilly flipped through the case file as she and Scotty headed for the front doors of Headquarters. "1969," she began. "You weren't even born yet, right?"_

"_The world'd have to wait 'til the '70s for me," Scotty remarked cockily._

_As they neared the door, Lilly stopped and turned to face her arrogant partner with a smile. "You know how many words there are for 'narcissist'?" she asked teasingly._

_Whatever Scotty might have said was cut off by a woman's voice calling his name. Lilly and Scotty both turned to see a sweet-faced brunette hurrying toward them._

"_Hey," Scotty greeted her softly, cockiness gone in a heartbeat and replaced with…tenderness? Scotty Valens could do tenderness? Lilly would never have guessed. "You okay?" he asked._

"_Yeah," the young woman replied, then handed him a piece of paper. "You just forgot to fill this out before you left."_

_As Scotty took the form, Lilly looked awkwardly from one to the other and back again. Who was this? His sister? Another informant? His girlfriend? He'd claimed not to have one, but the vibe she was getting from the two of them seemed to indicate otherwise…_

_Despite her curiosity, Lilly decided to make a quick exit. "I'll see ya upstairs," she said to Scotty as she turned to leave, but the woman stopped her._

"_Hi," she said brightly, extending her hand. "I'm Elisa."_

"_Lilly," she replied with a smile._

_Scotty glanced at her uncomfortably, then turned his attention back to Elisa. "That's my partner," he explained quickly. Definitely a girlfriend. But…something wasn't quite right. Lilly couldn't put her finger on what, exactly, but…it seemed that perhaps their relationship wasn't a bed of roses. Maybe that's why he'd never told her…_

_Elisa looked back at Lilly with amazement in her wide brown eyes. "You're a detective?" she asked incredulously. _

"_Yeah," Lilly replied with a nod and a smile. As the department's lone female Homicide detective, she was used to getting this question, usually with underpinnings of skepticism or even outright disrespect, but the way Elisa asked, Lilly could tell she was simply curious. It was…sweet. Innocent. Endearing._

"_But you're so beautiful," Elisa exclaimed almost girlishly, leading Scotty to shoot her another tight smile, and Lilly to grin once more. _

"_Thanks," she replied simply, then, deciding to give the two of them a moment alone, she told Scotty she'd see him upstairs and headed in. _

Anita smiled. "Such a sweet girl, God rest her soul. Scotty was crazy about her, and for a while, it was all good, but then…the fights, and the tears, and the roller coaster ride; they were on, then they were off, then they were together, then they weren't even speaking, then she'd get better and she'd call him again, and he'd run back into her arms…_madre de Dios, _I got dizzy watching those two," she declared. Wordlessly, they flipped through more pages, and Lilly watched Scotty grow from gangly teenager into a younger, softer-looking version of the man she knew and loved, always with Elisa by his side.

Anita turned another page, then paused, and Lilly absorbed the enormity of what she was seeing. Scotty and Elisa, older now, but still so, so young, beaming ecstatically from a professionally taken portrait, Elisa behind Scotty with her arms wrapped around him, prominently displaying her diamond engagement ring.

"I don't know what that boy was thinking, asking her to marry him when he did," Anita explained with a chuckle. "She'd just been diagnosed, they hadn't spoken for weeks, and then the next thing I know, they're here, all smiles, and she's waving that ring around for the world to see. We were thrilled, of course, but… I knew, somehow, that it would all end in tears." She paused. "I hoped every day I'd be wrong, but…" she trailed off.

Lilly gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile, but Anita was lost in a thicket of memories.

"We all saw Elisa's sickness long before Scotty did…I honestly think he just thought there wasn't anything wrong with her…and when she was finally diagnosed, poor boy thought he could save her," Anita explained sadly. "He ran himself into the ground trying for years, but…there was no saving that girl."

Lilly's heart swelled with compassion for both Scotty and his mother as Anita went on with the story.

"I was so worried about him, after…" she continued, her eyes slowly filling with tears. "He didn't call…didn't come over…wouldn't answer the phone or the door…after her funeral, we basically didn't see him for six months."

_Six months?_ Lilly was shocked. She knew he'd withdrawn, knew he'd holed up in his apartment with booze and Christina, but she hadn't quite expected Scotty to wall himself off from his family, too. Knowing that now, though, it wasn't entirely a surprise. He'd shut himself off from everyone. Everyone, that is, except…

"Did he…did he turn to you?" Anita asked, glancing over at Lilly hopefully. "Since you were friends back then…"

Slowly, dreading the direction her thoughts were suddenly taking, Lilly shook her head. "No…he shut himself off from everyone at work, too," she replied, hoping Anita would drop it and she wouldn't have to remember...

Anita sighed. "I'm not surprised. That boy's just like his father sometimes. But I prayed every night he'd find _someone _to talk to….if not me, if not his work friends, then…_somebody_ to share his burden."

Lilly froze, and her heart leaped into her throat as memories of that part of her life, the part she and Scotty hadn't even spoken about since their fight in New York, began to surface once again.

_I ain't interested in your sister, Lil._

_Good…'cause she's a train wreck._

_I'm an adult…I don't need your permission to go out with someone._

_It's not someone, it's my sister!_

_I'm gonna see who I want, Lil. I can't help whatever happened nine years ago._

_Fine, Scotty, but whoring it out with a cocktail waitress won't bring back your dead girlfriend._

_Of all the women in Philly…of all the women you could have…why her?_

_She let me pretend I was okay._

Then, as quickly as they'd come, the memories faded away like a morning mist. Lilly sat in silence for a moment, realizing, to her amazement, that the whole sordid mess no longer bothered her. The fact that Scotty had slept with her sister to deal with his grief…it seemed so long ago. So…unimportant. They'd discussed it, they'd moved past it, she'd forgiven him, and the bitterness that had once threatened to eat her alive had disappeared. Quietly. Like a ghost. If it weren't for those memories, Lilly wouldn't have known it was ever there.

Turning to Anita, she gave Scotty's mother what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Yeah," she said softly, hoping Anita wouldn't press for further information. "He did."

Much to Lilly's relief, Anita merely closed her eyes, crossed herself, and whispered for a bit in Spanish, then turned to Lilly with a smile and flipped a page in the album, the melancholy dispelled as though it had never come.

Lilly's breath caught in her throat at the sight of Scotty in spiked hair and a scruffy goatee.

Anita smiled fondly. "This one…this one's from his undercover days…"

* * *

An hour later, the turnovers had come out of the oven and were filling the kitchen with a mouthwatering aroma. Lilly was astonished. She…had done _that_?

To her further amazement, they tasted as good as they smelled. Lilly briefly pitied the fact that Scotty wasn't there to sample them, knowing how ecstatic they'd make him, but she smiled to herself as she ate. His time would come. Now that she had the confidence that she wouldn't poison him with her kitchen incompetence, or make him gag because they tasted so awful, she couldn't wait to make them for him. Her worries about their future were gone, and she finally had the knowhow to prove to that stubborn boyfriend of hers that she really did love him. Her heart almost leaped with joy at the thought.

As the sun began to sink low in the sky, Anita sent Lilly home with a full stomach, reassurances that everything would be fine, and a bag stuffed full of everything she'd need to make the turnovers at home, both ingredients and supplies, along with a detailed recipe, atop which Anita had scrawled her cell phone number with instructions to call if Lilly had any questions, any questions at all, no matter how silly she thought they were.

Armed with the makings of turnovers and a new outlook on life, Lilly stopped off at home long enough to feed the cats, stuff the turnover-making supplies and a few other things into her overnight bag, and change out of her flour-covered work clothes into a pair of tight jeans and that blue V-neck sweater she had that hugged her curves and made her eyes pop. It was Scotty's favorite, she knew, and she wanted to stack all the odds in her favor. She then jumped in the car and drove as fast as she dared over to his apartment. She wasn't sure what kind of mood he'd be in, or whether he'd even be home at all, but she'd find that stubborn boyfriend of hers, hunt him down, make him six dozen turnovers, stand outside his window with a radio over her head, do whatever it took to convince him that she was in this, she was confident it would work, and she was going to fight for it, for him, for them until the day she died.

As it turned out, there was no hunting necessary. Scotty was home. She could see the living room light from the street as she pulled up outside his building, and had to hold herself back from sprinting up his stairs. Upon reaching his floor, she stood at the door for a moment and took a deep breath.

When she slowly pushed the door open, she saw Scotty, clad in his favorite jeans and that old gray hoodie she kept bugging him to get rid of, parked on the couch with a glass of scotch nearby, absently staring at the television and flipping through channels. He clicked off the TV and whirled around when he heard the door, but froze when he saw her. Lilly waited, heart pounding, not even daring to breathe, as she tried to gauge his reaction.

As soon as he saw her, Scotty was grateful he hadn't downed as much scotch as he had the past two evenings. Miller had really managed to talk some sense into him, made him see that Lilly's request for time and space was a good sign rather than a bad one, and he'd been intending to call her and apologize, but wasn't sure a call would be welcome at this point. Wasn't sure how strict Lilly was still being about the space thing. After their ill-fated encounter that morning, he was betting it was pretty strict, and he couldn't really blame her.

So, to see her standing there, in the flesh, her eyes shining, her hair tumbling over her shoulders like a blonde waterfall, wearing that sweater that made it damn near impossible for him to keep his hands off her, and generally looking more beautiful than he'd ever seen her…that was definitely more than he was counting on, at least, that night. An unwelcome thought occurred to him, and he tore his eyes from Lilly long enough to glance briefly at his scotch glass and perform a quick sobriety check, idly wondering if perhaps he'd had more to drink than he thought and Lilly was just a gloriously cruel figment of his alcohol-soaked imagination. Nope. He really hadn't had that much to drink. Satisfied, but still confused, he returned to staring at Lilly.

"Hey," he finally managed.

"Hey," she replied, her smile even more dazzling than he could remember. Something was different about her, he noticed. He took in her broad smile, her sparkling eyes…this was the Lilly he remembered. She was hiding nothing, and she was holding nothing back. There was some fear, sure, but it wasn't a crippling, _I don't think I can do this_ fear, it was a completely understandable, _You were a jackass this morning and I'm not sure how to approach you_ fear. He gazed at her, unable to blink or even breathe. The guarded, closed-off Lilly from earlier had disappeared entirely and standing before him, gently setting what, to his astonishment, looked like her overnight bag, on the floor, was the old Lilly again.

"You're…you're back," he stammered, eyes wide in amazement.

"I'm back," she beamed, taking a step toward him and closing the door quietly behind her.

Scotty rose from the couch in a daze, needing to be near Lilly, to touch her, to take her in his arms and feel her lips against his before he could truly believe it.

"You're back," he said again, gently wrapping his arms around her slender waist.

"I am," she confirmed as she laced her arms behind his neck and lovingly toyed with his hair.

"You, uh…you done processin'?" he asked tentatively, searching her eyes.

"I'm done," Lilly replied with a quiet confidence he'd never heard from her before. "It's gonna work just fine. I can do this, Scotty…_we _can do this."

Scotty let out a shaky breath that, on some level, he realized he'd been holding since the night she met his family. He supposed he should have been curious as to who, or what, had changed her mind, what made her realize that she could, in fact, handle this relationship, that she was now, it seemed, willing to fight for them…he should have wondered. Should have asked. Should have interrogated her.

He also guessed he should have apologized, should have reassured Lilly that he believed her, that if she said she loved him, he'd take her at her word and give her all the time and space she needed to figure out whatever it was she needed to figure out.

But as she stood there, her eyes shining with love, her smile practically blinding in its brilliance, he didn't give a rat's ass about any of that. A flood of adoration washed over him, and all he could do was murmur, "Thank God," before pulling her close and kissing her, not even stopping for breath, until the room was spinning and he was seeing spots.

He had no idea when, or how, they made it to the bed.


	14. How Far Is Heaven

**Disclaimer: Characters? Not mine. Ideas? Still mine.**

**Chapter Fourteen: How Far Is Heaven **

Friday morning, a phone call from Stillman awakened Scotty and Lilly earlier than usual. The stalking lead they'd uncovered the previous day was, in fact, a solid one, he said, and he needed them to come in right away. Lilly was thrilled, both with the new direction in their frustrating case, and by the fact that an early morning at work would probably mean Scotty wouldn't have time to ask her how she got rid of her anxiety about their relationship. Oh, she'd planned to tell him the night before, planned to make those turnovers to prove to him that she loved him, but she could tell from the look in his eyes that…she didn't need to. He believed her. Completely.

When she'd cracked open the door the previous evening, he'd stared at her in disbelief for a moment, then glanced down at his scotch glass, and Lilly had almost giggled. Scotty was wondering how drunk he really was, she knew, but she could tell from his demeanor that he hadn't even hit the tipsy mark yet. When he reached the same conclusion, he'd gotten up and crossed the room, tentatively taking her in his arms, his expression not skeptical or distrustful, merely…uncertain. Like he wasn't entirely sure she was real. That had melted her heart.

She'd intended to have to explain, to have to prove to him, by words and actions, that she really did love him, and she was truly and completely in this…but, as the moments passed and Scotty began to absorb the truth, she saw that the hard, suspicious look he'd given her that morning had disappeared without a trace, and in its place, reflected in the infinite chocolatey depths of his eyes, was total adoration and complete acceptance, the kind she'd never had from anyone but him. When his lips met hers, time and space ceased to exist. Nothing else mattered. The only thing in the world was Scotty.

While he was taking a shower and Lilly was hastily making some coffee, her eyes fell on the bag of turnover preparations she'd brought with her, and she realized she'd completely forgotten about them. She took the glass jar of Anita's homemade guava preserves out of the bag and turned it over in her hands for a moment, realizing that proving her love to Scotty was no longer necessary. He believed she loved him, and he was finally convinced she was in this. But, she discovered as she continued to peer at that glass jar, she still wanted to make those turnovers for him. Not as a symbol of proof, but as a symbol of love. She just needed an opportunity.

Opportunity didn't come that day, though. They hit the ground running at work, chasing down the reports of Janet's stalking of Charlie and Michelle, and an interview with a neighbor or two revealed that Janet had chased Charlie around Philadelphia for years. He was never able to escape her watchful eye; neighbors reported Janet's car driving by his house several times a day for months after they moved in.

Curious as to why Charlie hadn't mentioned this, Lilly and Scotty brought him into the interview room, where he finally confessed to killing his stalker. He didn't know what else to do, he told them helplessly. She wouldn't leave him alone. He'd flown to Azerbaijan to get away from her, but when he'd come back, she found out, and was waiting for him, completely undeterred. He'd married Michelle, but Janet had been lurking outside the reception hall. He and Michelle had finally left the city they loved and moved out to one of the outermost suburbs of Philadelphia, but a month later, Janet moved in just around the corner. The police either couldn't or wouldn't do anything, and finally, at his wits' end, Charlie had confronted her during one of her daily cruises by his house and had threatened her. When she hadn't listened and drove by again later that day, he shot her.

After solving the case, Lilly had fully intended to take Scotty home and make him those turnovers, but she'd almost forgotten about the Jones' Tavern tradition, and, after the week they'd had, both she and Scotty were in a celebratory mood, so they'd gone and had a great time. That is, until Scotty had decided to tease her mercilessly. Oh, she'd returned his teasing, the desire building slowly, but still bearable…until he'd leaned over to her and whispered, "_Estoy desesperadamente enamorado de ti."_

Breathing suddenly difficult, Lilly had managed to ask him what the hell that meant, and when he translated, with a grin, it was all she could do to maintain some semblance of composure.

"Just means I'm desperately in love with you's all," he'd remarked casually, then taken a sip of scotch, the cockiness practically coming off him in waves, knowing he'd played his trump card and sealed the victory.

Lilly didn't know how she'd managed to hold it together long enough, but she wasn't about to let him win on a technicality, so she dug down deep and stayed in the game. She couldn't remember now who had cried uncle, or when, but, at last, one of them had, and they'd hurried out the door, their colleagues exchanging knowing glances behind them. Finally, they'd made it back to her place and given in to what they'd wanted to do all evening, the turnovers forgotten entirely in a whirlwind of ecstasy and love.

* * *

Saturday, after pressing a kiss to the cheek of a still-sleeping Lilly, scribbling a note explaining where he was, and heading for the gym, Scotty cranked up the volume on his iPod and ramped up the speed on his treadmill, trying to drown out the chirpy voice of the perky, sorority-girl-looking type on the machine next to him who insisted on carrying on a cell phone conversation with her boyfriend even while attempting a half-hearted jog. It was this exact reason that Scotty usually avoided the gym. Running was his time. His time to be alone. His time to commune with the outdoors. It was his time to get in the zone, clear his head, and breathe the fresh air of the park, to not be sandwiched between two other people the entire time, listening to piped-in cheesy pop music and having his vision assailed by fourteen televisions, all showing something different. Granted, autumn Saturdays usually had a plethora of college football games to choose from, but Oklahoma was kicking the crap out of their opponent in the only game he even remotely cared about.

Just last week, he lamented, he'd been running in the park. It had been sunny and unseasonably warm, warm enough he'd even peeled off his shirt halfway through, and he couldn't remember the last time it had been that warm in October. But today…today was cold, blustery, and raining, which had made him realize on his way in that the warm weather was probably over for good and he'd be stuck at the gym for the next six months. It was a sinking feeling he got every fall, and he always dreaded it.

The increase in volume worked, though, and Scotty soon found himself hitting his stride and tuning out the chaos around him. Much to his relief, his mind, which had been whirling with chaotic, anxious thoughts the entire week, soon went completely blank, so blank that he didn't even notice that, by the time three miles had passed, the girl on the neighboring treadmill had been replaced by someone else. That is, until that someone else got his attention.

"I didn't know you worked out here," a familiar, gravelly-sounding voice piped up to his right. Scotty glanced over and was so shocked he almost missed a step. _Vera?_ What the hell was Vera doing here?

"I didn't know you worked out," Scotty retorted breathlessly, switching off the music.

"Very funny, Man Candy," Vera replied as he began his warmup. "If you'd get outta Rush's bed occasionally, you'd know I'd been comin' here for the past two months."

The unbidden image of last night, when he and Lilly had found a creative use for her kitchen table, sprang to mind, and Scotty's eyes twinkled with mischief as he glanced over at Vera.

"It ain't _always_ her bed," he corrected, before he could stop himself.

Vera arched an eyebrow. "Really? Do tell."

"That's all I'm sayin'," Scotty panted, hastily covering his tracks. "You know the rules…it's Lil…so no locker-room talk."

"Awwww, ain't that sweet," Vera rejoined sarcastically.

"It's self-preservation," Scotty retorted.

"I hear that," Vera agreed. He paused, then glanced back toward Scotty. "You, uh…wanna shoot some hoops?" he asked lightly.

In his surprise, Scotty almost missed another step, then finally gave up and slowed the treadmill to a crawl, figuring if Vera kept surprising him like that, his luck would eventually run out and he'd probably wind up in traction.

"You…play basketball?" he asked incredulously.

"I've been known to every now and then," Vera replied, thoroughly enjoying his colleague's utterly mystified expression.

"You didn't a year ago," Scotty reminded him, grabbing his towel from the handle of the machine.

"You weren't sleepin' with Rush a year ago, either," Vera retorted with a shrug. "Things change."

"Touché," Scotty replied, his voice muffled by the towel as he wiped the sweat from his face. He then glanced over and studied Vera carefully. The man really wasn't kidding, it seemed. Okay. He'd bite. Kicking Vera's ass on the court might be a lot of fun.

"You're on," he declared, hopping off the treadmill and slinging the towel over his shoulder. "Let's see what you got."

"Thank God," Vera replied, stopping his own machine. "Treadmills suck."

"I hear that," Scotty agreed, as they headed over to the court.

* * *

The second Scotty left, Lilly practically jumped out of bed. She'd woken up before he had, watching him sleep and wondering just how the hell she was going to get rid of him long enough to make those turnovers. That was both the advantage and disadvantage of seeing someone she worked with, she realized: the constant togetherness. Sure, most of the time it was wonderful, but there were times, like now, when she needed him to go away for a couple hours.

Suddenly, she hit on a plan. Scotty usually went for a fairly long run in the park on Saturdays when the weather was nice. It was raining today, though, so probably he'd be forced to go to the gym, which he wasn't crazy about, and she knew from experience that if he woke up and found her already awake, he'd decide to find another way to burn those calories. Which was usually fine…but today…today she wanted to surprise him. She wanted to make guava turnovers. So she needed him to leave.

When she heard him stir, Lilly quickly rolled over and feigned sleep. Sure enough, it had worked. She'd felt his hand gently caressing her shoulder for a few minutes, felt his lips feather a couple kisses to her cheek, and, as hard as that was to resist, she managed to convince him she was dead to the world. Eventually he'd gotten up and she'd heard him getting dressed, rummaging around in the kitchen for a few minutes, carrying on a one-sided conversation with Tripod and Olivia as he fed them, making himself some breakfast, and finally heading out.

As soon as she heard the door click shut, Lilly threw on some clothes and hurried downstairs, knowing she didn't have a moment to lose. Scotty was usually gone for a couple hours, but she wanted to give herself plenty of time to screw up. She was sure she'd ruin the turnovers at least once, and she wanted to give herself some wiggle room.

Rummaging in her bag, she pulled out the recipe Anita had given her and studied it carefully while she munched on a couple handfuls of corn flakes and sipped some coffee. The recipe was incredibly detailed, and Lilly noticed, didn't look hastily scribbled at all. Thinking back, she realized Anita hadn't been writing anything down while they were cooking, and she hadn't consulted a recipe at all. Had she written this out especially for Lilly? It was beginning to look that way.

Lilly turned the paper over again and found a note written at the top of the page. How had she missed it before?

_Dear Lilly,_

_I just met you tonight, but I know someday soon you'll be asking me for this, so I'm writing it out while it's fresh in my mind. I've never written out this recipe before, since those idiot sons of mine would have found it by now, so hide it in a safe place after you use it. _

_Abrazos y besos,_

_Anita_

Lilly was dumbfounded. Anita _had _written it out before she'd even been asked. At this realization, Lilly smiled and shook her head. Perhaps Scotty's mother really was psychic.

Polishing off the last of her corn flakes, Lilly dumped all the ingredients and supplies out on the counter and arranged them according to the approximate order she and Anita had used them. Then, she thought perhaps alphabetically would be better. Hmmm…maybe color coordinated…

_Quit stalling, Rush,_ she ordered herself, then arranged the ingredients back in the way she originally had them and took a deep breath. _You can do this,_ she reminded herself firmly. _Easier than pancakes. Anita gave you her cell. He already believes you love him. This is just icing on the cake. Get on with it._

Pep talk given, she launched into the recipe and, much to her astonishment, she found herself practically flying through it. Anita's detailed instructions were so helpful that Lilly found herself placing only one panicked phone call to Scotty's mother, a question about whether a capital "T" in the recipe meant "teaspoon" or "tablespoon." Anita had chuckled softly, given her the answer, and wished her luck.

Within a few minutes, Lilly had a freshly-made batch of turnovers chilling in the fridge and was sitting on the couch, reading a book and cuddling with the cats. Now, all she had to do was wait.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Scotty was more relieved than he cared to admit that halftime had finally arrived. As he headed over to the sidelines to chug some Gatorade, he realized, to his chagrin, that he had woefully underestimated Nick Vera's basketball abilities. Scotty was ahead, but just barely. Fifteen minutes of being chased up and down the court by _Vera, _of all people, had rendered him out of breath and drenched in sweat, and he had absolutely no idea how he was almost losing to his donut-obsessed colleague, though he was pretty sure the three miles he'd run before Vera had found him weren't helping.

"Told you I'd been workin' out," Vera chortled breathlessly in response to Scotty's unasked question.

"No kiddin'," Scotty was forced to admit as he toweled off again and unscrewed the cap of his Gatorade. After gratefully drinking about half the bottle, he suddenly stopped to think. Vera. Was working out. Nick Vera. There could only be one possible reason for that.

"So," he asked with a grin, still a bit winded, "who is she?"

"Who's who?" Vera panted, grabbing his own Gatorade bottle and guzzling it appreciatively.

"The girl you're doin' this for?" Scotty elaborated, arching a brow.

"There's no girl," Vera replied.

"Yeah, okay," Scotty agreed sarcastically. "You're just here workin' out and damn near kickin' my ass for fun? I know you. There's gotta be a woman involved. So…who is she?"

"What?" Vera protested, busying himself with his towel. "Can't a guy take an interest in his own health and wellness?"

Scotty leveled Vera with a withering look, a look Vera knew well, but he just grinned and shrugged it off. Now that he'd gotten used to it, that look wasn't nearly as intimidating when it didn't come from Kat.

Scotty paused thoughtfully as he studied his colleague, trying to search the recesses of his mind for any sign, any sign at all, of any woman Vera might be interested in. Because Nick Vera wasn't one to keep his mouth shut when he found himself drawn to someone.

Realization began to dawn, and a mischievous grin spread across Scotty's face. "It's that basketball woman, isn't it?" he asked.

"Basketball woman?" Vera echoed. "What the hell'd they put in that Gatorade of yours, Valens?"

"The woman in your building…with the basketball…that you stole from her kid?" Scotty reminded Vera, arching his eyebrows and looking at him pointedly.

"Oh…Toni?" Vera replied, remembering a day nearly a year back when he'd stolen her son's basketball and she'd actually come to Headquarters and attempted to file a report. With _Homicide. _Over a _basketball. _He still couldn't believe it. Some people just take life a little too seriously.

"It _is _her," Scotty repeated confidently. "Looks like you've even been gettin' her kid to give you some pointers. Must be pretty serious about this one."

"Whatever works," Vera grinned, then grabbed the basketball from where it was resting between Scotty's hand and his hip and started dribbling down the court.

"Halftime's over, by the way," he called, as he hit an easy layup.

_Dammit. _Scotty smiled ruefully as he set down his towel and Gatorade and ran off down the court once again.

* * *

Lilly looked up from the sofa when she heard Scotty come in, much later than she'd thought he would. "You get lost or somethin' on the way back?" she asked casually, looking up from her book.

"Ha ha," Scotty replied, shrugging out of his coat and hanging it on the hook next to the door.

Lilly glanced over at him again, taking in his soaked, disheveled appearance. "You were at the gym all this time?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Scotty answered, plopping down on the couch next to Lilly, grabbing her mug, and taking a sip. He didn't care that it was coffee that had gone cold long ago. It was liquid. Liquid was good. His throat was parched, his muscles felt like rubber, and he knew he'd be ridiculously sore in the morning. Damn Vera.

"Are you okay?" Lilly asked with some degree of alarm. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Vera," he replied drily. "I'd already run three miles, and then…Vera happened to me."

Lilly's eyes widened in disbelief. "You're sitting here, cranky and sweating all over my couch because of _Vera_?" she asked incredulously.

"Apparently, the man's been workin' out for two months, and he asked if I wanted to shoot some hoops," Scotty answered, polishing off the rest of Lilly's coffee. "And I was dumb enough to say yes."

Lilly giggled, and Scotty shot her a glare, but she just giggled all the more. She couldn't help it. "You? And Vera? _Basketball?_ Dare I ask--?"

"Two overtimes," Scotty griped bitterly. "_Two overtimes_, and dude finally beats me by four." He smiled ruefully and shook his head. "Either I'm way outta shape, or Nick ain't kiddin' about this workin' out thing," he commented.

Lilly raked her eyes appreciatively over Scotty's muscled form, feeling grateful, for the thousandth time, that he'd cut the sleeves off that faded gray Eagles T-shirt of his.

"Or you'd already run three miles," she reminded him in a seductive purr, tracing her fingertips over the sculpted curve of his bicep, "because, trust me…it's got nothin' to do with you."

Scotty grinned his thanks, captured Lilly's hand and kissed it gently, then returned to puzzling over the new, improved Nick Vera.

"I think it's 'cause he's seein' someone," Scotty mused.

"Vera's seeing someone?" Lilly echoed, her disbelief growing by the minute. "I mean, that would explain it, but…"

"Yeah…didn't say who, but I'm pretty sure it's that woman with the basketball from last year," he replied. "Only way I can figure Vera's gotten good is if he's got someone teachin' him, and her kid does play."

"Who, Toni?" Lilly asked, frowning in confusion.

"Yeah," Scotty confirmed, glancing over at her. "What's wrong with that?"

"Well, Vera described her once as a broke neighbor with a pain-in-the-ass kid, remember?" she reminded him. When Scotty nodded, she continued. "And Kat was sittin' there…and she said that, aside from the neighbor part, she sounded just like her."

Scotty burst out laughing then. "That'd be like…Vera datin'…Miller," he managed.

"Yeah," Lilly agreed, around her own laughter. "So…try again, Valens. You can think it over in the shower." She looked at him pointedly, and he sighed and got the hint.

"You gonna join me?" he asked, not having any idea where he'd summon the energy if she said yes, but willing himself to find a way.

"I got somethin' I gotta take care of down here," she said smoothly, "but I'll definitely…_definitely_ take a rain check."

Scotty grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her flirtatiously, then turned and dragged himself up the stairs.

* * *

The second she heard the last step creak, Lilly turned on the oven, took the chilled turnovers out of their secure nest in the fridge and set them on the counter. As the oven preheated, she stood there, eyeing them critically as though they were little grenades that might explode at any moment. Even though she'd flown through the recipe, even though she was fairly confident that she'd done everything right, Lilly was still petrified that somehow, she'd find a way to screw them up. She always did when it came to cooking. _No, not always,_ she corrected herself firmly. _These kicked ass on Thursdays. And your pancakes are pretty damn good, too._

The oven dinged to signal its readiness, and Lilly popped the turnovers into the oven and glared at them, willing them to not burn, but to cook fully, to puff up as perfectly and deliciously as the ones she and Anita had made on Thursday. She knew Scotty wouldn't care if they weren't perfect, weren't exactly like the ones his mother made, but…dammit…_she_ cared. Cared way more than she ever thought she would about something…kitchen-y. It was frightening, really.

Lilly finally realized that standing in the kitchen, staring through the oven window at the turnovers, wasn't going to do anything but drive her nuts, so she headed back to the living room, buried herself in her book, and nearly forgot about the turnovers until the oven dinged again. Startled, she tossed the book to the side and ran back into the kitchen, terrified that she'd see smoke and blackened lumps of turnover remnants, but, upon opening the oven, she realized that they were beautifully golden brown and delicious. Breathing a sigh of relief, she grabbed an oven mitt and opened the oven door. Upon removing them, she smiled proudly. The turnovers looked _perfect._ Excitement flooded through her as she sniffed the air and realized that they smelled just as fabulous as they had Thursday afternoon in Anita's kitchen. She turned, half expecting the aroma alone to have attracted Scotty, the way the mere sound of the can opener made the cats come running from whichever corner of the house they'd staked out as their hiding place of the day.

But she didn't see Scotty. Didn't see any sign of him. In fact, she hadn't heard a peep out of him for twenty minutes, ever since the water in the shower stopped running. Lilly realized that she hadn't heard him creak his way down the stairs, so, grinning to herself, she placed a couple turnovers on a plate and crept up the stairs to find him.

When she reached her bedroom, she stopped short and smiled broadly. Scotty had only made it as far as putting on his boxers before he'd sacked out across the bed and fallen fast asleep. The towel lay beside the bed, his clothes piled next to it, and he was completely dead to the world. She suppressed a giggle. He wasn't kidding about Vera. And in that moment, Lilly swore herself to secrecy. If Vera knew how exhausted Scotty had been when he'd come home…her boyfriend would never, ever hear the end of it. Ever.

Lilly glided toward the bed, placed the plate of turnovers on the table next to it, and sank down beside Scotty, just watching him sleep for a few moments. Then, she reached over to the bedside table, pumped a couple squirts of lotion into her hands, rubbed them together briskly, and gently began to massage Scotty's legs, hoping that a brief rubdown would alleviate some of the soreness he'd no doubt be feeling in the morning.

* * *

Fighting through the fog of sleep, Scotty became dimly aware of someone massaging his right thigh. Gentle, yet firm hands, pressing and kneading in all the right places. A soft bed…really, really soft. Pillows. Pillows like clouds. Where was he? Was this Heaven? Was this tender loving care coming from some angel?

His eyes fluttered open enough to see who was giving him the massage. Blonde. Pale. Sparkling eyes. Dazzling smile. Yeah. Definitely an angel. Especially since…wait…the air. It smelled…delicious. It smelled like…yes…guava turnovers. His mother's magical guava turnovers.

Definitely Heaven.

Scotty realized, with a start, that, if this was Heaven, then that meant…that meant that Vera had killed him. Death by pick-up game.

Stupid Vera.

Struggling to overcome the haze, he managed to decide on his Heavenly to-do list. Number one…eat one of those turnovers. Maybe more. He sniffed the air again. Definitely more. Number two…summon the energy to get acquainted with the Angel of Massage. Number three…obtain special permission from God to zap Nick Vera with a lightning bolt.

Something traced its way over his lips, and he instinctively followed its path with his tongue to investigate. It was warm. Buttery. After a few seconds, his tongue caught the mysterious object. Flaky crust. And that fabulous smell was getting closer and closer… Curious, Scotty forced his eyes open once more.

Good God, the Angel of Massage was feeding him guava turnovers.

Scotty wracked his foggy brain, trying to figure out what the hell he'd ever done to deserve this. Heaven. Heaven was great. Heaven kicked ass. It was every bit as good as advertised. So what if he got here by way of a pick-up game with Vera? Who cared?

"Aren't you gonna take a bite?" a voice asked him, piercing through his reverie.

Wait. He knew that voice. That was…that was Lilly's voice. _Lilly?_ What was she doing in Heaven?

He forced his eyes open fully this time, and a quick glance around confirmed that he was, in fact, not in Heaven. Not yet, anyway. He was in Lilly's bedroom, and she was leaning over him, her long hair tickling his stomach, one hand still on his thigh, and the other holding a…

Holy mother of God. An actual…real…three-dimensional guava turnover. Warm and fresh from the oven. When...? _How...?_

_For God's sake, Valens! Eat it already! _his impatient brain shrieked at him, and he finally decided to obey, sinking his teeth into the flaky pastry, and sighing in delight when he reached the warm, gooey, fruity interior. _Oh, dear God…they're perfect…maybe I really am dead…_

Lilly couldn't suppress her smile as Scotty closed his eyes again and moaned happily. She hadn't screwed them up. She hadn't overmixed or undercooked or overstuffed anything. She'd hit the nail on the head.

By this point, Scotty had raised himself to a sitting position and was polishing off the rest in a single, albeit very large, bite.

"Oh, God, Lil," he sighed ecstatically around his mouthful. "This is…this is just…" he trailed off. Words wouldn't come. Lilly. Turnovers. If this wasn't Heaven, it was damn close.

Wait. Lilly. Turnovers.

_Lilly._

_Turnovers._

Scotty's eyes snapped open, and he glanced around in disbelief. At the sudden change in his demeanor, Lilly couldn't suppress her giggles.

"You okay, Scotty?" she asked him, her eyes sparkling with amusement as she brushed a crumb from his lower lip.

"How the hell do you have these?" he demanded, looking around wildly. "When did my mom come over? How the hell does she even know where you live?"

"Would you relax?" Lilly asked around her laughter. "Sunday night after the party, she told me she wanted to teach me how to make them, and, well…this week, I needed some way to get it through your thick skull that I love you, so…"

"So, that…that family stuff Boss said you had…" Scotty began, his mind beginning to race, "that was you…takin' lost hours…to go hang out with…my mom?"

"Yeah," Lilly replied with a smile. "We made a batch at her place, and then I made these while you were at the gym."

Scotty stared, dumbfounded, as his heart swelled with love. He couldn't remember ever being more deeply touched by anything anyone had ever done for him. Ever. Lilly had overcome her discomfort with his family and had actually taken off work, in the middle of a case, to learn how to do something that would make him happy. A pang of guilt pricked his conscience as he realized how desperate Lilly must have been to prove herself after he'd been such an ass to her on Thursday morning.

"Lil," he began. "God, I…I'm sorry…I know how much you—"

Lilly silenced him with a kiss. "I learned to make these to get it through your thick skull that I love you…but I know you already know that, so I made these this morning just…just because," she said, gazing at him with an adoration so pure that it brought a lump to his throat.

He swallowed hard and reached for her hand, his thoughts whirling even faster. "So…" he said again, still trying to wrap his mind around what had happened Thursday afternoon. "You went over…to my mom's place…and she showed you how to make these?"

Lilly grinned at him. "Even gave me the recipe," she said.

Holy mother of…_the recipe_? The cherished, carefully guarded recipe? The one his mom wouldn't even share with _him?_ The one she'd never even written down for fear that he or Mike would find it? She'd given it…to _Lilly?_ Scotty's eyes widened in surprise.

"She…gave you her recipe…" he repeated. _This is either Heaven, or some really wonderful dream._

"Well, don't look so shocked," Lilly chided him gently.

"But…she…she doesn't give that recipe to…_anyone_…" Scotty insisted, staring at the remaining turnover in utter incredulity. He wouldn't have believed it if it weren't sitting right there on the plate. He took another bite just to be sure. No, it was true all right.

"I know," Lilly replied, shrugging nonchalantly, enjoying every single second of her boyfriend's total mystification. "But she gave it to me."

"You…she just--" Scotty sputtered in disbelief. "You didn't even ask, and she just--just _gave_ it to you? _I_ don't even have that recipe_, _and I musta bugged her for it…_hundreds _of times_."_

"Yeah, she said that," Lilly remarked casually. "But she told me it was something she made for you, and she kinda wanted to pass the torch to me."

_Pass the torch? _Why the hell did that sound so familiar?

A dim memory fluttered through Scotty's mind. It was right after he and Elisa had gotten engaged, and as he sat at the kitchen counter, watching his mom make those turnovers for their engagement party, he'd asked her, once more, for the recipe.

"I'm gettin' married, Ma," he'd said. "Gonna be on my own for real. You gonna hand over that recipe now, or what?"

His mother had looked up at him and shaken her head with a gentle chuckle. "Not to you, _m'ijo_," she'd told him softly. "This is our special thing, you and me. This is what I make for you…and when the time is right…I'll pass the torch to your _querida._"

Scotty had protested good-naturedly, pointing out that she'd taught him how to make just about everything else, so why the hell wouldn't she teach him these, and she'd swatted him lightly with the spatula and told him that, if he was just going to sit there and harass his mother, he should go find something else to do, so he'd kissed her on the cheek and headed out into the living room.

Scotty realized that, over the years, he'd kind of forgotten about that conversation. He and Elisa hadn't planned on living that far away, so, Scotty figured, anytime he got a hankering for those turnovers, he'd either head on over to the deli, where they were one of the best-selling items on the menu, or he'd just drop in at his mom's place. She'd always seemed to be able to read his mind and make them just when he needed them most, so why should that change now? And, over the years, it hadn't. His mother had whipped up a batch on a regular basis, just like she always had. So regularly, he realized with a start, that he'd never mentioned the recipe again. And then, of course, Elisa had gotten sicker and sicker, his mind had been devoted to other things…

Scotty's heart began to thump wildly as he stared, wide-eyed, at the remaining bite of turnover on the plate. Lilly. His mom had given that recipe to Lilly. She'd passed the torch…to Lilly. His mind whirled in a frantic effort to wrap itself around the rapidly crystallizing truth that…that his mother had never intended to give the recipe to Elisa. Not at all.

_When the time is right…I'll pass the torch to your querida._

_Querida. _At the time, he'd thought that was just one of his mother's little Spanglish phrases…he knew that had long been his dad's nickname for her, so he supposed she was just using what was familiar…but, Scotty realized, he'd never, in all the years he'd known her, called Elisa _querida_. _Bella. _That had been his nickname for her. _Bella. _Beautiful.

But Lilly…Lilly he called _querida_. It was unconscious…almost a reflex. He'd tried it out one day and found that it suited her perfectly. My darling. My love_._ _Querida._ It just…worked. He'd never given it much thought.

But now, the truth hit him with all the force of a truck, almost knocking the wind out of him. His mother had _known_. She'd known all along that Elisa wasn't the one for him. She'd _known. _She'd never, ever said a word…she'd welcomed Elisa into the family with open arms, she'd lavished love on her, and she'd never let on that she had doubts…but apparently, she did, he realized, because…she'd never given Elisa that recipe. Not that Elisa had ever expressed any interest in it, at least, not that he knew.

But Lilly. Lilly, who didn't cook, who could barely even make pancakes when they started dating…she apparently had. And his mother, after having known her for all of one evening, had handed over the recipe without a second thought.

A joy like Scotty had never known washed over him in a tidal wave as he realized that this turnover, this little lump of flaky crust and fruit filling, was his mother's way of giving her blessing. Of saying that Lilly was the one. His _querida._

He looked at Lilly, love filling his heart so full he was sure it would burst at any moment, and found her staring at him quizzically. "You okay, Scotty?" she asked lightly.

"Yeah," he replied huskily. "I'm great. I'm just…I'm great," he repeated, completely incapable of coming up with anything more eloquent than that. Gazing deeply into her sparkling sapphire eyes, he gently pulled her close for a reverent, love-filled kiss.

"Lil," he managed to whisper, "I am never, ever, gonna doubt you again."

Her only response was a wide smile against his lips and a soft whimper of delight as he kissed her once more, his tongue gently intertwining with hers.

Not Heaven, he realized.

Better.


	15. I Should Tell You

**A/N: To all those clamoring for more Kat/Vera: I hear you. I think you'll like this chapter. I know you'll like the next one.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I'd have a lot of fun if I did. So would they, come to think of it.**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: I Should Tell You **

Sunday morning, Lilly and Scotty lay in bed, both awake, but neither one inclined to leave the warm, cozy nest of blankets, pillows, and each other. Even the cats, who were usually up at the crack of dawn, lay curled at the foot of the bed, still sleeping soundly as they basked in the autumn sunshine.

Lilly snuggled up closer to Scotty and trailed her fingertips over his stubbled jawline. "You're scruffy," she observed.

"Yeah, well…didn't exactly get much of a chance to shave yesterday," he retorted lightly. Between the gym, the turnovers, the thorough massage Lilly had given him, the resulting two-hour nap, and then properly thanking her for all the tender loving care…he really hadn't.

"It's okay," Lilly remarked with a grin. "I kinda like it."

"No kiddin'," Scotty replied.

"Yeah," Lilly continued, a faraway, desirous glint in her eyes. "Makes you look a little…dangerous."

"Sexy dangerous?" Scotty asked, a lopsided grin lifting a corner of his mouth.

"Very," Lilly confirmed, rolling on top of him and planting a kiss on his lips. "Prickly, though," she added, her nose wrinkling adorably.

"Sorry," he replied with a smile as he tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Let me outta bed, and I'll take care of it."

"Never," Lilly declared, grinning widely. "I've got you pinned. You're my prisoner."

"Yeah?" Scotty asked with interest. "What're you gonna do with me?" He was fully prepared with a whole list of ideas in case she had trouble thinking of some.

"Haven't decided yet," Lilly answered, trailing her tongue along the curved edge of the sleeveless undershirt he'd slept in and grinning wickedly when she heard his breath catch and felt his fingers dig into her back just a little bit harder.

"Well, that's a good start," he managed weakly. "But…maybe we oughta get somethin' to eat first."

"There's turnovers downstairs, amazingly enough," Lilly said teasingly, lightly tracing the ridge of his cheekbone with a fingertip. "Thought for sure you'd eat the whole batch yesterday."

"Gotta save some," he retorted with a grin. "'Cause I got no idea when you'll feel like makin' 'em again."

"They're really not that hard," she said, smiling broadly. "Plus, your mom's recipe is incredibly detailed."

Scotty's eyes lit up. "You mean she actually wrote it down?" he asked incredulously. "She didn't make you memorize it and swear you to secrecy?"

Lilly giggled. "Well, she did swear me to secrecy," she began.

"Dammit," Scotty griped. He wasn't surprised. He'd tried everything short of interrogating his mother to get that recipe, and she still hadn't budged.

"But she didn't make me memorize it," Lilly finished.

"So…it's here somewhere," Scotty concluded thoughtfully, his eyes traveling quickly around the room.

"It is," Lilly confirmed with a giggle, "but it's hidden someplace you'll never find it." At least, she didn't _think_ he'd ever go poking around in her makeup drawer. If he did…they had bigger problems.

"No kiddin'," Scotty replied, ignoring the burning ache of his overused muscles as he flipped her over and pinned her to the mattress, causing her to yelp in surprise. "Well, we'll just see about that." His teeth nipped at the slender strap of her thin cotton tank top as his hand slid underneath, and the pain faded as he could feel her body beginning to respond to his touch.

"Try again, Valens," she laughed as she tried to wriggle away from him. "I said it was someplace you'd never find it. Think I'd be dumb enough to hide it _there_?"

"Guess not," Scotty admitted with a shrug, sliding off her and propping himself up on one elbow.

"So…" he continued, suddenly serious as he absently traced patterns on her arm with his fingertips. "Sounds like you had a pretty good time with my mom." He longed to tell her all that his mother had actually meant in giving Lilly the recipe, ached to share with her the fact that his mother loved her, had given her blessing, had proclaimed her his _querida_. He supposed, on some level, he _should _tell her…tell her once more just how serious he was about this whole thing, how he had realized long ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and the past week had made him even more certain. He wanted to tell her now, to warn her, so if she ran for the hills, he'd--

_No, dumbass_, he told himself firmly_. She ain't runnin'. She's in this._

Once he'd reminded himself of that fact, he figured there really wasn't a good reason not to tell her…but still, he held back. Didn't want to rock the boat. Not this soon, anyway.

"Yeah," Lilly replied softly. "I did." She wanted to tell him how profound an impact the afternoon with his mother had had on her, wanted to tell him how, exactly, Anita had managed, with a few carefully chosen words, to erase Lilly's fears almost completely and give her confidence that, despite her horrible upbringing, she could _do _this…but she held back. Anita had never told Scotty of her own childhood trauma, and Lilly wasn't about to betray her confidence like that. Scotty didn't need to know, Anita had decided, and, as well as Lilly knew him, Anita knew him better, so she trusted the older woman's judgment. After all, Anita had been right about everything so far…

Lilly switched her thoughts to lighter topics, hoping Scotty wouldn't ask how she'd reached her conclusion, how she'd finished her processing and come back to him with a newfound peace and assurance that things would work out. She then fixed her boyfriend with a teasing smile, and he looked puzzled.

"What?" he asked suspiciously.

"You were a pretty adorable little kid, Valens," Lilly declared.

"Oh, God," Scotty groaned, wincing slightly as he rolled over onto his back. "She didn't."

"She did," Lilly confirmed, grinning mischievously. "Those curls," she said, toying with a lock of his hair, "those dimples," she continued, tracing a finger in the curve of one of them, "and that mischievous little gleam in your eyes."

Scotty sighed and shook his head. "I shoulda known better than to let you meet my mom," he remarked.

"You sure about that?" Lilly asked in reply. "If I hadn't met her, there wouldn't be those turnovers downstairs, and I wouldn't have seen all those cute pictures…Superman," she purred teasingly, thoroughly enjoying the way Scotty's eyes widened in shock.

"She told you about that, too? Oh, _God,_" he groaned again, covering his face with his hands.

Lilly couldn't respond. She was simply laughing too hard. "Just…take it easy on my coffee table, okay?" she finally managed.

Scotty smiled ruefully, then flipped her over again, pinning her and nuzzling her neck with the two days' growth of his beard, causing her to shriek with laughter and try to wriggle away from him once more.

"So…when do I get to meet your family?" he asked mischievously. "Surely you gotta have an embarrassin' story or two."

Lilly's laughter instantly stopped, and she just _looked _at him, wondering how long it would take him to realize what he'd just asked of her, wondering how long it would take to--

"Crap," Scotty burst out when he saw the look in her eyes. "I meant…the family I don't already…I mean…the ones I ain't…_crap!"_ he exclaimed again when he realized he was just digging himself deeper and deeper into the hole.

He sighed and shot her a repentant grin. "Can we start over?" he asked.

Lilly couldn't hide her smile. She supposed she'd let him off the hook. Just this once.

"What I meant to ask was," Scotty began again, in a tone that suggested nothing but the utmost in decorum, "when I might have the pleasure of meetin' your…" he trailed off, suddenly unsure how to broach the subject of Lilly's family.

"My mother," Lilly replied tersely. "She's the only family I have that you haven't met. And…you won't."

"I won't…what?" Scotty asked blankly, eternally grateful that the topic of Christina had been safely avoided altogether.

"Won't be meeting her," Lilly answered, all joking gone from her voice, and a defensive shield instantly installing itself in her eyes.

"C'mon," Scotty pressed, biting back the frustration that was starting to build as he sensed her walls going up. "You got to meet mine."

"And yours is everything a mother should be," Lilly told him smoothly. "Just imagine her polar opposite, and that's mine. Case closed. You don't need to meet her."

"Lil, I--" he started to argue.

"Drop it, Scotty," Lilly snapped, and Scotty was amazed at how rapidly her demeanor had changed from flirtatious to frosty.

"Fine," he retorted, unable to hide the irritation creeping into his voice. "Just don't see what the big deal is."

"Not every mother is like yours," Lilly insisted.

"I know that," Scotty replied, sounding slightly insulted. "You got any idea how many drunk and disorderlies I got called out on when I was on patrol? I've dealt with alcoholics before, Lil."

_You haven't dealt with my mother, _Lilly wanted to scream. _You haven't seen the kind of woman who can sell her own daughter out for a bottle of vodka._ Lilly knew that, until she told him what had really happened to her, he'd never get it…he'd never understand…

But she couldn't tell him. Couldn't stand to see the look in his eyes when he realized that she, too, had once needed saving, and he hadn't been there. Never mind that, at the time, he was only five years old and still leaping off furniture in his Superman cape. She knew him, and she knew that, most likely, he'd still blame himself. It would eat him alive, and then he'd start tiptoeing around her, treating her like some kind of fucking charity case, and she couldn't have that. She'd spent the years since her attack needing no one, being tough and strong and handling all of life's cruel blows on her own, and as a result of all her determined effort, Scotty didn't look at her with pity, but with love. He respected her, he admired her, he regarded her as an equal…and she couldn't risk losing that because of what had happened to her so long ago.

So she said nothing. Instead, she wrapped her long legs around him, flipped him over, and pinned him once more before he knew what hit him, then looked down at him for a moment. His infinite eyes, that irresistible shadow of stubble along his jawline, those artfully sculpted shoulders…

"Scotty," she purred, her heart beginning to race. "Haven't we argued enough this week?"

He knew exactly what she was trying to do, knew every step of her plan, and he sure as hell wasn't giving in, wouldn't let her off that easy…but as he looked up at her, into the oceanic depths of her eyes, her smooth, ivory skin, those soft lips that invited his kisses, those sensitive places on her neck and shoulders that were just asking to be caressed and licked and teased until she was insane with desire and begging him for mercy…wait…what the hell had they even been talking about?

Lilly could tell by the way his dark eyes had begun to smolder that her mission to distract him had been, for the most part, successful, but, to ensure her victory, she slowly maneuvered herself off of him, lifted the hem of his shirt ever so slightly, and began to trail teasing kisses around the waistband of his boxers.

"Don't you think," she murmured between kisses, her breath against his skin causing him to shiver slightly, "we could find something…more fun to do?"

The strangled moan that escaped his lips as he tangled his fingers in her hair was all the confirmation she needed.

* * *

Monday morning, Scotty headed into the office, taking great care to walk as normally as possible and not give so much as a hint that his muscles still protested his every movement. Lilly's massage had helped, as had the copious quantity of Advil he had swimming around in his system, but, after the weekend he'd had…he was still achy. Stupid Vera.

He was hoping perhaps he and Lilly had come in early enough that they might find some way to get out of the office before Vera showed up, but no such luck. He was already at his desk, sipping coffee and clicking away at the keyboard. He didn't look up when Scotty came in, and Scotty thought that, perhaps, in his fixation on work, or, more likely, Tetris, that Vera hadn't noticed, and they could…

"Well, if it isn't Kobe Bryant," Vera remarked, though he still didn't look up. Kat, sitting at her desk, shot Scotty an amused glance, but said nothing.

_Dammit. _"Shut up," Scotty replied, lowering himself into his chair carefully.

"Little sore today, Man Candy?" Vera asked with a knowing grin.

"Nah," Scotty lied.

"Uh-huh," Vera replied. "Gettin' your ass kicked kinda smarts sometimes."

"Yeah, well, so does runnin' three miles and then playin' hoops to two overtimes," Scotty retorted, shooting Vera a glare over the rim of his coffee mug. Vera's only response was a triumphant smirk, and Scotty mentally kicked himself for showing his whole hand that easily.

"Really? Three miles? _Before_ the game?" Kat inquired, her dark eyes sparkling with interest. When Scotty nodded, Kat turned her penetrating gaze in Vera's direction.

"You never mentioned that part," she said pointedly.

"A win is a win," Vera protested, his smirk fading as he locked eyes with Kat for a brief instant.

"Besides," Scotty added, "I just had the best weekend of my life. I don't give a rat's ass about that stupid pick-up game." He glanced at Lilly with a broad grin, and she returned it with a dazzling smile of her own.

"You ain't the only one," Vera piped up. "I had a pretty kickass weekend myself."

Lilly glanced up in surprise to find Vera grinning and Kat arching a brow.

"I don't wanna hear about it," Miller declared firmly. "From either one of you," she added, looking pointedly from Vera to Scotty. "This is Homicide, not high school."

"Ooooh," Vera remarked, turning his grin in Kat's direction. "Someone sounds jealous."

"I got a cousin I could hook you up with," Scotty volunteered brightly, perfectly content to shift the spotlight elsewhere.

Kat glared up at Scotty. "If he's anything like that galoot that came in with the sandwiches last week, no thanks," she said.

"Hey," Scotty replied in a slightly wounded tone. "What's wrong with Eduardo?"

"_Wrong _with him? He's exactly like _you_," Kat retorted, "only taller, louder, and doesn't dress as well."

Scotty opened his mouth to argue, but was interrupted by Jeffries, who had been watching the goings-on from the doorway with quiet interest as he tapped a file against his hand.

"Hey, Ozzie and Harriet," he began with a smile, "If you're done with your squabble…Boss has somethin' for us downstairs."

Scotty grinned ruefully at Kat, she met his eyes with a smile in a silent truce, and then he and Lilly followed Jeffries down the stairs to the evidence warehouse.

As soon as they were gone, Kat turned her mischievous smile onto Vera. "Kickass weekend, huh?" she asked, arching a brow.

"It wasn't bad," Vera replied smoothly, scooting his chair back.

"_Wasn't bad_?" Kat repeated in disbelief. "You were lyin' on the couch with ice packs on your knees eatin' aspirin like they were peanuts at the bar and whinin' to whoever would listen that you were dyin' of pain. It was _not _a kickass weekend."

"You're losin' focus, Miller," Vera retorted. "I beat Valens. That alone makes for a kickass weekend."

"Least Valens can walk," Kat replied pointedly as she ignored Vera's outstretched hands and headed out of the office. After a moment, Vera struggled to rise from his chair and began the slow, laborious journey to the evidence warehouse.

_Worth it_, he decided as he limped his way downstairs.

* * *

"What've we got, Boss?" Lilly asked brightly as they all gathered in the evidence warehouse around a couple of open boxes.

"Forty-two year-old Harold Sweden," Stillman replied, handing her the file. "Fell off the roof of an apartment building twelve years ago."

"Originally ruled an accident," Lilly mused, perusing the report.

"Sounds like quite the interesting guy," Kat mused, taking a peek at some of the other information on their victim. "Cowboy…astronaut…member of a barbershop quartet?"

"And it all ended at the bottom of a bottle," Lilly observed, a touch of bitterness coloring her voice as she uncovered the details. "Blood alcohol was twice the legal limit."

"We sure it was murder, Boss?" Kat asked grimly, not looking up as she flipped a page in the file.

"Well, new evidence says he was pushed," Stillman confirmed, launching into an explanation.

As Lilly, Kat, and Stillman continued to dig through the evidence box, Jeffries sidled up to Vera, who was clutching the shelf, and Scotty, who was leaning against the opposite shelf, both of them trying to look nonchalant, but failing miserably.

"Will you two quit pretendin' you're not in pain?" Jeffries asked with a grin. "Sore muscles are nothin' to be ashamed of. Just means you all aren't eighteen anymore."

"If I was," Vera grumbled, glaring at Scotty, "I'd have beaten you by twenty."

Scotty laughed at this. "Dude, when I was eighteen, I could bench-press…well…_you_," he boasted.

Lilly arched a brow. "Uh-huh," she replied, not looking up from the file.

"I could!" Scotty insisted, glancing at his girlfriend defiantly as she handed him some notes from the original interview.

"Pictures say otherwise," she disagreed. To her right, Kat glanced up briefly in surprise, chuckled slightly, then started flipping through the scene photos.

"Hey," Scotty added, gesturing tentatively with the notes Lilly had just given him. "I lettered in soccer _and_ baseball all four years of high school," he said, mostly to Vera.

Vera chuckled. "Yeah, well, I played _hockey_ in high school. Your opponents just ran away from you; mine are missin' teeth to this day."

"Hockey?" Scotty scoffed incredulously. "That ain't a real sport. All you gotta do in hockey is skate around and pick fights with people."

"Well, then, give you a pair of skates and you'd fit right in," Vera retorted triumphantly, without missing a beat.

Kat and Lilly shared an exasperated glance as they continued to comb through Harold Sweden's evidence box, and Stillman arched a curious brow in Jeffries' direction.

"What's with those two today?" he asked quietly, as Vera and Scotty continued their motionless verbal sparring.

"Pick-up basketball," Jeffries replied with an amused smile.

"Really," Stillman responded. He paused, then looked up at Jeffries curiously. "Who won?" he asked softly.

"Vera, believe it or not," Jeffries answered, his smile widening.

"Vera? Beat _Valens_?" Stillman repeated in disbelief, then paused, deep in thought. "I'd sure like to have seen that."

"You and me both," Jeffries agreed.

Stillman then glanced around. "So, Rush, why don't you and--?"

He stopped short when he realized that Lilly was no longer in the room. Neither was Miller, for that matter.

"They left," Jeffries supplied happily. "Not sure where they went, but…they took off."

Stillman glanced down and picked up a hastily scribbled note. _Gone to talk to the wife. Call us when they grow up._

Smiling ruefully, he dropped the note and turned to face the others. "Guess the rest of it's up to us guys," he announced with a grin.

* * *

The next two days produced a flurry of interviews. Lilly and Kat had spoken with Harold's widow, Margaret, who couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hurt her late husband. He was a happy-go-lucky sort of guy, she'd said. Oh, sure, he drank a lot, spent a lot of time at the bar, had occasional fits of rage, but mostly, she said, he was a charming buffoon whom everyone loved, except her two older sisters. Vera and Jeffries had gone to talk to the sisters, but they had a solid alibi and pointed instead to Harold's unusually cheerful neighbor, Ted. Harold, they said, had had a love-hate relationship with him for years, constantly squabbling with him over petty things and committing the age-old sin of borrowing items and never returning them.

Acting on this lead, Vera and Jeffries had visited with Ted, but were completely unable to find anything that suggested the kindly man might have snapped, or even been capable of murder. They were dumbfounded by how happy and content Ted seemed, despite the loss of his wife only a couple of years before his neighbor's death. Still, he wasn't a solid lead, and he'd suggested a host of other possible suspects, including former co-workers, an old boss, and even the man's three grown children. From what Ted had observed over the years, the home wasn't as idyllic as Margaret had made it out to be.

* * *

Wednesday morning, Vera sat at his computer, clicking away. Not really working, per se…more like…feeding his Tetris addiction. Not having a partner really did have some perks, he'd realized over the past few months. He was able to work far more quickly on his own, busting scumbags as effectively as always, but having more time for…other pursuits.

Suddenly, he heard angry footsteps heading out of the kitchen. With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, he quickly minimized his Tetris window. He knew whose footsteps they were without even turning around…the only question was, what was it this time?

"Do I gotta remind you of our bet, Fatass?" Kat demanded as she stormed up next to him. "Kickin' ass at karaoke? First dibs on the donuts for two weeks? Any of that sound familiar?"

Vera smiled slightly. Usually, when she read him the riot act, he had it coming…but today? Today he was completely innocent. He hadn't even been into the kitchen except to get a cup of coffee. Oh, sure, he'd _glanced_ at the donuts long enough to note that the lone remaining one had white frosting with colored sprinkles, and, being a huge fan of colored sprinkles, he was briefly tempted…but decided to leave it for Kat that day. Call it an unusually charitable whim, a moment of weakness, a way of perhaps making up for his alleged whining over the weekend…whatever. But he'd chuckled to himself, headed out of the kitchen, and left that donut sitting there, waiting for her. Kicking some Man Candy ass in basketball had a way of motivating one to stay on a healthier course in life anyway, he reasoned. Plus…those goji berries he'd discovered on a case a while back? Damn tasty.

"Goji berry?" he asked her with a smile as he held out the plastic container full of small red fruit. "They make you happy…and it sure looks like you could use one or two."

Kat was less than amused. "What I could use," she began icily, "is a freakin' donut. And I get in and there ain't any. You wanna explain that to me?" she asked, leaning against his desk and shooting him her most menacing glare.

"Maybe you should try gettin' here earlier," the undaunted Vera remarked cheerfully. Over her shoulder, he noticed Scotty sitting down at his desk with a mug of coffee…and taking a large bite out of that white frosted donut.

"You know perfectly well why I couldn't--" Kat began softly, between clenched teeth, but Vera cut her off.

"Your doer's sittin' right over there," he announced. Kat glanced over at Scotty to confirm it, and Vera responded with a broad grin.

"I'll take that apology anytime you wanna offer it," he gloated.

Kat glared at him, but her glare had softened slightly, minimized by the slight, albeit exasperated smile, that tugged a corner of her mouth upward, and Vera's grin widened even more. That smile was about as close to an apology as he was likely to ever get from her, so…he supposed he'd take it.

Vera watched then as the wheels in Kat's head started to spin, and she stared at that donut as though willing Valens with the power of her mind to surrender it. Scotty, for his part, didn't even seem to notice her…he seemed buried in some paperwork, and was just about to take another bite when Kat sidled up to him.

"Mornin', Man Candy," she said with a teasing tone and a knowing smile.

"Mornin'," Scotty replied without looking up. "Anything new on the case?"

"Just that one of Harold Sweden's old co-workers is in Room A for an interview with you and Will…but I bet you knew that already," she answered.

Vera could only stare. If he weren't mistaken, there was just the slightest hint of…was that _flirtatiousness_…in her voice? Vera munched another handful of goji berries. Miller…flirting with Valens…to get his _donut_? Oh, this was gonna be good.

"Okay…what then?" Scotty asked, taking a sip of his coffee and still not bothering to look up.

Kat didn't answer, just leaned against his desk, folded her arms across her chest, and studied him for a minute.

"What?" Scotty repeated, finally looking up, and what he saw quite frankly made him wonder just what, exactly, they'd put in the coffee that morning. Maybe he hadn't had enough of it. Maybe he'd had too much. Maybe all the Advil was making him loopy. Whatever. All he was sure of is that Kat Miller, his partner, his friend, his pain-in-the-ass extraordinaire, was, to his utter amazement, looking him up and down. _I have been havin' some weird-ass dreams lately…_ he mused..

"Y'know, I never woulda guessed it, but I think maybe Lil's right about you," Kat remarked, her eyes slowly traveling back up toward his face.

"Right about what?" Scotty asked suspiciously, donut paused halfway between the desk and his mouth.

"Right about…well…_everything_," Kat said, with a slight grin. "All that time at the gym must be payin' off."

"You're gonna have to be more specific," Scotty replied, still suspicious, but Vera could detect a definite hint of intrigue in his voice. Oh, jeez…was Valens _really_ about to fall for this?

Kat rolled her eyes in mock exasperation. "Oh, Rush talks," she informed her partner. "Talks a _lot, _actually_."_

"No kiddin'?" Scotty replied, eyes twinkling with interest.

Kat sighed. "Lord knows I try to get her to stop, cause _I _sure as hell don't wanna hear about your…abs of glory," she finished casually, with a dismissive wave of her hand. She hated feeding this man's already too-large ego, hated it with every fiber of her being, but…dammit…there was a donut at stake.

"Abs of..._what_?" Scotty repeated incredulously, lowering the donut and placing it on the napkin.

_Good Man Candy, _Kat encouraged him silently.

"Oh, she won't shut up about 'em," she continued, weaving her web with all the expertise of a poisonous spider, Vera observed with admiration as he watched her.

"Lil…talks to you…about…that kinda stuff?" Scotty asked again, eyes alight with pride. Vera choked back a laugh.

"Does she _ever_," Kat answered emphatically, sighing again in disgust. "I keep tellin' her I don't wanna hear it, but…" she trailed off with a roll of her eyes. "And…much as it pains me to admit," she continued, looking him up and down once more, "girl might be right."

Scotty grinned. "Well, I try," he replied, with what Kat could only assume was his best effort at modesty.

"Oh, it shows," Kat said earnestly. "I'm no expert, but I'm sure it takes a lotta work gettin' those things just perfect."

Scotty shrugged, but couldn't hide that damn self-satisfied smirk. _Focus, Miller. You've almost got him._

"Just hate to see you ruin 'em, is all," she remarked casually.

Scotty frowned in confusion, then glanced down at the donut. Kat followed his eyes, and continued her train of thought.

"Oh, sure those damn things taste pretty good, but…trust me. Abs are hard to keep. I've had a kid, so mine are shot, but…the way Lil talks about yours, sounds like they're the eighth wonder of the world or somethin'…just hate to see that go to waste just for a little lump of sugar and fried dough," she told him, raising herself off his desk and leaning down over him.

"No kiddin'," Scotty agreed, staring at the donut as though it had suddenly turned poisonous. "Guess I…better keep 'em glorious, then, huh?" he asked, smirking happily as he rose from his desk.

"I would, if I were you," Kat replied. "I know it sure makes Rush happy."

"Hey, thanks," he said, grabbing the file and heading for the interview room. "I almost did somethin' really stupid."

Vera couldn't suppress the sputtered laughter that escaped from his lips, but he managed to disguise it as a coughing fit, and drew a glance only from Kat. Scotty didn't even comment or look back, just smirked like the cat that ate the canary as he pushed open the door.

"Just lookin' out for my partner," she called after him, then sat down at his desk, where she gleefully grabbed the abandoned donut and his half-finished mug of coffee, leaned back in his chair, propped her feet up, and took an enormous bite, her eyes twinkling with triumph.

"Y'know, you're kind of an evil genius," Vera remarked, tossing Kat a congratulatory grin.

"Oh, you better believe it," she replied around her mouthful of donut.

"I'm…maybe a little bit afraid of you," he admitted.

"You should be," she told him with her most dazzling smile.


	16. Behind The Mask

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own 'em. None of 'em.**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen: Behind The Mask**

That afternoon, Lilly headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge…water, Coke, orange juice, something to wash down the god-awful hot dog that somehow passed for lunch. She and Jeffries had been out on an interview all morning and had only barely had time to grab something from the cart outside, Jeffries grumbling good-naturedly about how experiencing the glory of Ramon's Deli made their usual fare seem even more disgusting than before.

Turning away from the fridge, Lilly nearly ran smack into Scotty, who had somehow silently appeared in the kitchen.

"Hey," she greeted him with a slightly embarrassed smile. She hadn't seen him since…earlier. At her place. Wearing…less than he was now. _Dammit, Rush._

"Hey yourself," he replied cheerfully, not even trying to suppress his grin at the slight blush that was coloring her cheeks.

"You, uh…have fun this mornin'?" he asked with elaborate casualness as he grabbed an orange from the fridge and poked his thumb into it to start the laborious peeling process.

"Scotty," she chided gently. "We're at work."

"Yeah," he admitted, leaning against the counter and focusing his attention on removing the orange peel in one long ribbon, "but apparently you had…a lotta fun this mornin'. Least…that's what I hear from Miller," he remarked, with a quick glance up to gauge Lilly's reaction.

Lilly's blue eyes widened in horror. It _had _been fun, but…

"From…Miller?" she asked in a voice barely above a whisper. "What the hell does Miller know about it?" she demanded, her eyes flitting back and forth to make certain they wouldn't be overheard.

Scotty chuckled. "You can stop pretendin', Lil," he told her gently. "She kinda…let me know that you all talk."

At the stricken look that crossed Lilly's face, he hastily added, "Which—which is fine. Doesn't bother me any. In fact, it helps…keep me in line," he finished, gently patting his stomach and grinning up at her.

Lilly frowned in complete mystification, her mouth open to respond, but no words would come out.

"C'mon…you know what I'm talkin' about," Scotty encouraged her. "And, really, it's okay…I'm actually flattered that the two of you talk."

"Of course we talk," Lilly replied, the frown still creasing her brow. "We talk about work. It's…kind of what we do."

Scotty's grin faded slightly. "You don't talk to her about…other stuff? Sex…stuff?" he asked quietly.

"No," Lilly said with a disbelieving laugh. "_Sex _stuff? With _Miller_? Does that sound like something that would happen anywhere outside your dirty little mind?"

Crap. When she put it that way, no. It didn't.

"So…" he began, his thoughts suddenly whirling with a disturbing possibility, "the phrase 'abs of glory' means absolutely nothin' to you, does it?"

Lilly burst out laughing. "Abs of _what?" _she managed.

Scotty arched a brow. "C'mon, now, they ain't that bad," he retorted defensively.

When she saw his slightly wounded ego, Lilly stepped closer to him and stretched up to whisper in his ear.

"You know I _adore _your abs," she purred, pausing briefly to place a quick kiss on his favorite spot, "but…what in the world would make you think I talk to Kat Miller about them?" she asked, pulling away from him and frowning once more.

Scotty's mind was beginning to whirl even faster. "She…told me you wouldn't shut up about 'em. She said…"

Lilly stepped back, folded her arms across her chest, and just looked at him, waiting….waiting…

Scotty's eyes narrowed as he replayed the morning's conversation in his mind and reached the sickening, yet inevitable conclusion.

He'd been had.

"Dammit," he exclaimed softly as he set the orange down on the counter, then charged past Lilly out of the kitchen into the squad room.

"Miller!" he called angrily. "You owe me a donut!"

Following him in from the kitchen, Lilly dissolved into helpless laughter. Scotty had fallen for what was apparently an expertly woven tall tale about his abs of…something humiliating, she couldn't even remember what at this point…for a _donut? _There were very few things in the world she wouldn't be willing to part with to have been witness to that exchange.

From her desk, Kat also erupted in a fit of laughter. "Excellent work, Detective," she congratulated him. "I'm glad Boss gave me such a smart partner. You really outdid yourself on this one." Scotty shot her a glare, but that only made her laugh harder.

Lilly glanced at Kat, still giggling occasionally. "You…you told him I talk about him. Like _that. _To you. And he _bought_ it?"

"Hook, line, and sinker," she confirmed, folding her arms across her chest and smiling triumphantly.

Lilly sidled up next to Scotty and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I love you, Scotty, but…why in the _world _would you think I talk about you…like _that_…to our co-workers?"

Scotty shrugged. "I…like to think I'm worth talkin' about," he replied with a grin.

Lilly smiled up at him. "Oh, you are," she reassured him, unable to hide her slight blush, "but…I like to keep you all to myself. They don't need to know what I know about you."

"You got that right," Kat declared.

"I know some of it," Vera piped up.

Lilly glared, first at Scotty, then at Vera. "Like what, exactly?" she asked icily.

"Well, I know your boy sucks ass at hoops," Vera chortled in response.

"Hey," Scotty protested. "_Three miles_ on that treadmill, dammit. Three long, hard miles…how the hell was I supposed to know you'd show up and challenge me to basketball?"

"Shouldn't have had all those donuts to work off, then, should ya?" Vera retorted with a smirk.

Oh, that was _it_. He'd put up with Vera's gloating and bragging and general jackassery for one moment too long.

"Rematch. Saturday," he challenged, pointing at his colleague. "Your ass is _mine_."

"Fine with me," Vera agreed confidently. "But I'd ease up on the donuts if I were you. Those things'll just slow you down."

Scotty's jaw dropped, and for a moment, all he could do was stare in disbelief.

"_You _people. Are buggin' me about donuts? You people?" he sputtered. "You people, who fight over those damn things like you're in a friggin' love triangle or somethin'? Are buggin' me? The person who has, like, one or two a _week_? And that's only when I'm extra hungry…'cause sometimes…like today," he added, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively as he glanced over at Lilly, "my day starts _long_ before I get here."

Lilly blushed, Kat glared, and Vera hooted triumphantly.

"You guys seriously need a hobby," Scotty concluded, then grabbed his coat and looked in Lilly's direction once more. "Feel like goin' bar hoppin' with me today? I hear our victim spent a lotta quality hours at one place in particular."

"Sounds wonderful," she replied, grateful for the escape from the turn the conversation had just taken. "Just let me get my coat."

* * *

After their colleagues' quick departure, Kat turned her glare, which had never really gone away, in Vera's direction.

Sighing in exasperation, he rolled his eyes. "What?" he asked.

"Love triangle?" Kat repeated, echoing Scotty's earlier words. "_Love triangle?"_

"Relax, willya?" Vera replied. "It's just a figure of speech."

"Figure of speech?" Kat echoed incredulously. "That's either a really, really funny coincidence, or…" she trailed off, her blood suddenly turning to ice at the disturbing possibility that had just occurred to her.

_Not possibility_, she realized, her heart sinking. _Certainty._

"Does Valens know…about us?" she asked, fixing Vera with the look she gave suspects. Try as he might not to be alarmed by it, he couldn't hide his discomfort, and so responded with silence.

Kat narrowed her eyes and studied him carefully. "I swear to God, Fatass, if you told him, so help me, I'll…"

Vera raised his hands in a gesture of what he hoped conveyed nothing but the utmost innocence. "He doesn't know _everything_," he reassured her.

Kat's glare became even more fiery and menacing, and Vera hadn't thought that was possible. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as she leaned over him, growing closer by the minute.

"What. Does. He. _Know_?" she demanded heatedly, through clenched teeth.

Vera backed his face away from hers. "Will you relax?" he asked. "D'you actually think I'm dumb enough to spill the beans to Scotty, of all people? The man's an incurable gossip. "

Kat was silent for the moment, and Vera viewed this as a victory. Or at least, a point.

"All Valens knows is that I'm seein' _someone_. That ain't a crime, is it?" he asked.

Kat backed off, and her glare lessened just the slightest bit. Inwardly, Vera sighed with relief. It seemed she might let him keep his balls, after all.

"Are you sure?" she asked suspiciously.

With a shrug, Vera popped a goji berry into his mouth. "Yep. Besides, he thinks it's Toni," he answered.

"Toni?" Kat repeated blankly.

"Y'know, Toni," Vera replied. "My broke single mom neighbor with the pain-in-the-ass kid?" he asked, hoping to jog her memory, though he couldn't hide his grin.

Kat smiled slightly. "Oh, right. The one who came in here, guns blazin', wantin' to file a report 'cause some dumbass stole her kid's basketball," she remembered, grinning at the memory. "Always did kinda like her."

"Yeah, me too," Vera remarked. "Y'know, I thought about askin' her out."

"Yeah?" Kat asked, curious despite herself.

"Yeah," Vera answered, his grin now in full force. "'Course, I realized before I did anything that the only reason I was into her at all was… 'cause she reminded me of the one I_ really_ wanted to go out with."

Kat tried to suppress her smile, honest she did, but she just…couldn't. Dammit. She turned away from Vera before he could see her…

"You're blushin', Miller," Vera pointed out, without even turning around.

"I don't blush," she argued, but the tone of her voice told Vera otherwise.

Vera knew her well enough to know not to belabor the point on those rare occasions he'd actually won. "Whatever," he replied noncommittally, popping another goji berry into his mouth with a satisfied smirk.

* * *

As they pulled up to the curb outside Joe's Tavern, Lilly stole a sidelong glance at Scotty and burst into another fit of giggles.

"I sure am glad you're gettin' some amusement out of this," he commented drily. "It…really ain't that funny."

"I beg to differ," Lilly replied, her eyes still twinkling with mirth. "Miller checked you out? _Flirted _with you? And you didn't think there was anything…_unusual _about that?"

"It ain't the first time my partner's checked me out," Scotty retorted with a cocky grin.

"It _is _the first time it involved a donut…or Miller, for that matter," Lilly shot back, then chuckled again. "Honestly, Scotty."

"Y'know, the way I see it, it's pretty much your fault," he replied, unbuckling his seat belt.

"Yeah? How?" Lilly challenged.

"Well…an hour before that, I was in the shower…and there was this _gorgeous_ blonde in there with me…makin' me absolutely crazy," he reminisced, his voice lowering seductively as he leaned in to toy with her earlobe. "So…can you blame me for not bein' able to think straight?" he asked, feeling a surge of pride at the blissful sigh that escaped Lilly's lips, at the way her eyes had fallen closed in near-total surrender.

He released her tender flesh and just sat there, watching her, as her eyes gently fluttered open. "We're on the clock, Valens," she managed, though her voice was shaky, and Scotty knew she was reminding herself every bit as much as she was reminding him.

"We are on the clock," he confirmed, barely above a whisper, wishing fervently that his eyes weren't betraying his desire to be anything but. His playful plan was dangerously close to backfiring.

"So…we should probably get in there," she decided, her voice growing more confident by the second. She took a deep breath, blew it out, fluffed her hair, and just like that, the moment was over, and she was back to being Detective Lilly Rush again. He had no idea how she did it.

"Or, we could stay out here," Scotty suggested with a grin as he opened his car door and stepped out.

"We could," Lilly agreed teasingly, shooting him a dazzling smile as they made their way toward the door. "Course…if we did…I might have to tell Miller all about your abs of glory. For real this time."

"You do that," Scotty agreed drily, opening the tavern door for her, and she smirked triumphantly at him as she brushed past, leaving in her wake a faint whiff of flowery shampoo. _On the clock, Valens, _he reminded himself as he followed her in.

Once inside, the floral scent of Lilly's hair was quickly replaced by the lingering stench of cigarette smoke and stale liquor, and Scotty instantly recognized Joe's Tavern as the domain of the hard-core alcoholics. During happy hour, the customers wouldn't look any different, there'd just be more of them, but at this time of day, only the die-hards would be taking up residence. Scotty spotted the middle-aged bartender silently polishing a couple of glasses, and, as he grew accustomed to the dinginess of the space, he saw that, sure enough, a couple of permanent fixtures had installed themselves on the barstools. They sat at opposite ends of the bar, each hunched over a drink, neither one speaking or doing anything except staring straight ahead or into their booze.

As Lilly took a few steps into the tavern, she coughed slightly and her eyes began to sting as they adjusted to the dim light and the ever-present haze of smoke. A wave of unwelcome memories washed over her as she recalled going into countless low-rent establishments just like this one. Hell , she may have even been to this very place. All Lilly knew was that, as a child, if she wanted to talk to her mother anytime after school, which, truth be told, wasn't that often, she knew to look for her in a bar like this. It wouldn't be too busy this time of day, she knew from experience. Just the serious drinkers. Not surprisingly, a glance around through the haze revealed a couple of forlorn figures hunched over at the bar.

Lilly fought back a surge of bitterness as she made her way forward, then stopped dead in her tracks. If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought one of those hapless souls installed on a barstool looked frighteningly familiar. She looked again, and her breath caught in her throat as she recognized the blonde hair, the tan jacket, the mostly-empty glass of vodka…

_Surely not. No. God…please…no. Not here. Not today. It can't be. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit…_

"You all right, Lil?" Scotty asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Lilly hastily composed her features into an expressionless mask. "Fine," she said quietly, slapping the file to Scotty's chest and striding purposefully toward the bar. "Let's just do this."

Scotty was taken aback. On their way in, Lilly had been laughing, smiling, even teasing him, but now, her eyes were made of ice and her jaw was set with determination, a determination far different than her usual work-related grit. This seemed…almost personal. He was pretty sure it had something to do with her childhood, something to do with her mother, most likely, and he was dying to ask her about it, aching to help her through whatever it was that had obviously brought so much pain, but now was neither the time nor the place. He took a cue from Lilly and headed for the bar. They were on the clock. They had an interview to conduct.

Since Scotty had the file, he took the lead, and Lilly was eternally grateful that he did, because, to be honest, she wasn't contributing much to the interview. Her attention was mostly focused on praying fervently that her mother wouldn't recognize her, that she'd be too drunk to even realize Lilly was there, or if she did, to think maybe she was just hallucinating.

Scotty, meanwhile, had managed to ascertain that Joe, the tavern owner, knew Harold Sweden well. Harold was a regular, always coming in for a few beers after work, after dinner, sometimes late at night.

"We're thinkin' it was murder," Scotty informed Joe, pen poised over his notes, eyes raised slightly to catch Joe's reaction.

"Harold? Murder? Jeez," Joe exclaimed. "That guy was one of my best customers. I even named a drink after him. Who'd do somethin' like that?"

"We were hopin' you could tell us," Scotty replied.

Joe set down the glass he'd been polishing and told them what he could remember about the night of Harold's death. He'd come in for several beers, bantering with the other customers and complaining about his boss as usual, and then he'd wished everyone a good night and left the bar. Joe had no idea where Harold had gone after that, but he did provide a much-needed alibi for Kenny and Charles, two other regulars who also worked with Harold at the power plant, and who had been warming their barstools until well past the time of the murder.

After the interview, Scotty thanked Joe for his time, Lilly handed him a card, and they started to walk out, Scotty still glancing curiously at his girlfriend, and Lilly's heart beating a rapid staccato rhythm as they headed for the exit.

They had almost made it when she heard a familiar intoxicated warbling. "So I see how it is."

Lilly froze, listening…waiting…but hearing nothing else, she finally decided she could pass it off as just the ramblings of a random drunk. Scotty wouldn't need to know. He wouldn't need to know that the woman he loved was raised by that pathetic hunched-over figure at the bar.

"My own daughter," the voice continued, and Lilly cringed. "So wrapped up in her precious J-O-B she doesn't even have the time of day for her old mom."

_Daughter? _Scotty's eyes widened as he glanced first at Lilly, then at the older blonde woman at the bar, then back to Lilly, absolutely dumbfounded.

Daughter. The woman at the bar had just referred to Lilly as her daughter.

Scotty cast another alarmed glance at Lilly, who stood rooted to the spot, decades of pain suddenly etched on her face, looking as though she wanted the earth to open up and swallow her whole.

Recovering from his shock, his heart flooded with sympathy and compassion. "We don't have to do this, y'know," he told her quietly. "We can just keep walkin'."

"She'll only get louder," Lilly replied in defeat, sounding dangerously close to tears. She sighed, composed herself, then turned around and headed for the bar. "You wanted to meet my mom," she snapped, "so…let's just get it over with."

Too stunned to respond coherently, Scotty stowed his notebook in his coat pocket and followed Lilly over to the bar, where she took a seat on the barstool next to her mother and waved off Joe's offer for a drink. Uncertain of his place in all this, Scotty leaned against the bar on the other side of Ellen.

"You doin' okay, Mom?" Lilly began, her voice carefully light.

"Like you care," Ellen replied bitterly.

Lilly rolled her eyes. "Mom…" she began, the exasperation in her voice almost instantaneous.

"Save it," Ellen slurred. "You don't wanna see me…that's obvious."

Scotty watched in utter amazement as Lilly struggled to keep her emotions in check. "Mom," she said again, the irritation fading into a smooth, carefully expressionless voice. "I have a few minutes…we can talk." Ellen was silent, and Lilly sighed again. "How've you been?"

"Oh, y'know," Ellen replied, staring into her vodka glass as though the drink would answer the question for her.

She turned then, seeing Scotty for the first time, and Lilly was chagrined, but not surprised, when her mother gave him the once-over.

"Well, hi there," Ellen slurred a bit more brightly, leaning forward to shake Scotty's hand. He extended his hand to her, but she missed, and started to topple toward the floor.

"Mom!" Lilly shouted, but Scotty had the better angle. He smoothly caught Ellen by the elbows, and helped her to her feet.

"Careful, there," he said with a grin.

Ellen met his gaze then, and he was startled to see that her eyes were the same deep sapphire blue that Lilly's were, but Ellen's were hazed with alcohol and lined with a spider web of wrinkles, far too many for someone who was only nineteen years older than her daughter.

"Hello, handsome," she purred. Turning to Lilly, she added lightly, "Oh, I forgot to tell you…Jackie left."

"I'm…sorry to hear that, Mom," Lilly replied politely. Scotty could tell by her tone that this was neither a surprise nor a new concept.

"It's okay," Ellen slurred, raising her vodka glass to her lips again as she turned back to Scotty. "But if I'd known _you _were available, I'd have cleaned up a little better today."

"He's…not available, Mom," Lilly blurted out before she could stop herself.

"Well, that's no surprise," Ellen replied bitterly. "All the good ones are taken." She took another long, appreciative look at Scotty, then turned back to Lilly.

"Still single, I suppose," she said, more of a statement than a question.

Scotty felt the anger starting to simmer. It was killing him to have to stand there and just watch Lilly take this crap from her mother, but he knew she must have been doing it her whole life. That thought both encouraged him…and broke his heart.

"No, actually, I'm seeing someone," Lilly said, and Scotty felt a twinge of pride as the corners of her lips turned up slightly.

"Really?" Ellen said, the booze accentuating her utter shock. She stared at Lilly for a minute, then added, "If you didn't have that damn smile on your face, I'd think you were makin' it up."

She studied Lilly for a moment longer, then turned to Scotty. "So d'you know this guy?" she asked. "Is he good enough for my little girl?"

"Mom," Lilly said softly, a nervous pride in her quiet voice, "that _is _him. Mom, Scotty Valens…Scotty, my mother, Ellen Rush."

Ellen was too shocked to say anything; she just looked from Scotty to Lilly a couple of times, then turned back to Lilly. "That's your new guy?" she asked with a smile.

Lilly nodded, and in that brief gesture, Scotty saw not the grown woman he loved, but the little girl, still desperate for her mother's approval.

Ellen studied him again, then turned back to Lilly. "Well, I gotta hand it to you…looks like you finally picked a good one. Helluva lot better than that Ray that keeps comin' around, that's for sure. I always did want better for you…just hope you can hang onto this one longer than a month."

Lilly wasn't the least bit shocked to hear that last comment, but an angry spark she felt emanating from the other side of her mother told her that Scotty was. She glanced up at him to find his eyes glittering with barely repressed rage and the muscle in his jaw beginning to twitch. She knew that, unless she did something, _now, _he'd let loose with whatever words were swimming around in his head, and she knew that wouldn't be helpful. At all.

Instantly, she shot him a look, one she hoped conveyed her desperate need for him to please, please, for the love of God, just keep quiet, and the glance she got in reply relieved her somewhat. The anger faded, slightly, and his eyes told her that he'd shut up, for her, but he was none too happy about it.

Ellen, oblivious to the silent drama going on around her, took a swig of her vodka and fixed Scotty with an almost girlish grin. "If Lilly can find someone like you…then there's still hope for me, don't you think?"

"Yeah…sure," Scotty lied, still fighting back his anger.

"Come on, Scotty," Lilly said quietly. "Mom, we have to go. We're on the clock."

"Oh, of course you are. Don't let me keep you…and don't be a stranger, honey," Ellen said, smiling at Scotty again.

"Wait'll I tell your sister about this," she added eagerly as Lilly rose to leave.

Scotty froze, his anger immediately replaced by the icy fingers of panic, but Lilly didn't react in the slightest.

"Take care, Mom," she replied smoothly, heading for the exit without a backward glance.

Ellen didn't indicate that she'd heard Lilly, and she didn't even look up from her vodka as the two of them headed out from the bar and stepped into the bright sunshine. Scotty squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light, and when he could see again, he realized that Lilly was several feet ahead of him.

"Lil," he called, jogging to catch up with her.

She stopped, her eyes wide, her breathing shallow and rapid. She didn't say anything, just stopped and let him catch up with her.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, seeking her eyes. She looked at the ground.

"Lil," he repeated, lifting her chin gently and realizing, with a pang, that she had tears swimming in her eyes. "God, Lil…I'm sorry."

Lilly smiled slightly. "It's not your fault," she replied.

He knew it wasn't…but he wished it were, so he could have the power to take it away.

"I'm still sorry," he said, and hesitantly gathered her into his arms, half afraid she'd bolt, but relieved when she rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't return his embrace, but that small gesture was a victory anyway. He stroked her hair and fervently wished there was something he could do to take away the pain, to prove to her that he wasn't going anywhere, that Lilly's mother was completely wrong about her, but, for the moment, there was nothing. So he settled for standing on the street corner, holding the woman he loved in his arms. Right then, he realized, they weren't Detectives Rush and Valens, on the clock, trying to solve a case…he was just Scotty, and she was his girlfriend…and despite the pain, he relished the simple beauty of the moment.

She raised her head from his shoulder then, and he released her from his embrace. Brushing away the lone tear that she'd allowed to escape, she looked up at him with a slight smile. "Well…that's my mother," she said, the lightness of her tone not doing a thing to conceal her humiliation. "See why after meeting yours, I didn't--?"

"It's okay, Lil," Scotty reassured her, gazing into her eyes. "You know I ain't gonna think any less of you, don't you?"

Oh, his words were so pretty, they made so much sense, and damn, did she want to believe them…but the look in his eyes said otherwise. Those deep, dark eyes weren't shimmering with their usual love and admiration, but rather with sympathy. The kind of sympathy with which she'd seen him look at Elisa, time and time again. The look she'd seen in his eyes when he told them about Ana Castilla, and how he longed to save her. She looked away, unable to stand his sympathy any longer. She wasn't another broken-wing girlfriend for him to save, dammit. She saved herself. She was a cop, for God's sake. She protected other people. She didn't need anyone to protect her, and she definitely didn't need anyone feeling sorry for her. She'd worked too hard, and overcome too much, to have Scotty treating her with kid gloves, to have him flying in wearing that damn Superman cape. She could take care of herself.

In a rare moment of honesty with herself, Lilly realized that she didn't trust him to take care of her. Didn't trust anyone. No one in her past had ever taken care of her…so why would anyone start now?

"Don't," she said softly.

"Don't what?" Scotty replied.

"Don't look at me like that," she ordered.

Scotty was mystified. "Like what?" he asked.

"Like you feel sorry for me," she answered quietly. "I know you want to fly in here and save me…but there's nothing to save me from. Everything that happened to me happened a long time ago. I've dealt with it, I took care of it, and I'm doing just fine on my own. I don't need to be saved…I just need you to love me."

_I don't know how to do one without the other, _Scotty argued inwardly, but he knew now was neither the time nor the place. They'd just spent a week fighting, dammit, and he'd do just about anything to keep from rocking the boat again. He knew she was lying through her teeth about doing just fine, he could see in her eyes what a crock that was, and now he knew why…but he also knew better than to push her on it, so he swallowed the words he wanted to say.

"I don't feel sorry for you," he insisted. "If anything, I love you even more. I mean, God, Lil, you were raised by someone like that and still turned out great? You're even more amazin' than I thought," he declared, lifting her chin so her eyes would meet his. "Besides, that ain't who you are now. You're tough. You're strong. You've overcome so much…it's truly amazin', Lil," he repeated.

Lilly gazed into his earnest brown eyes, studying him for a moment. He was right. She was tough. She was strong. She had overcome so much…but she knew from the look in his eyes that he figured the worst of it was over; he thought he'd seen the darkest ugliness of her past, and it really wasn't that dark or ugly. Lilly had to hand it to her mom; Ellen Rush always did know how to charm men. She knew Scotty wasn't fooled, at least not like _that_, especially not after her subtle dig at the two of them, but he also didn't know the half of it.

As they stood there on the street, she once again considered telling him. But if she did…told him her most humiliating moment, the moment where her own mother chose a drink over her daughter…what must he think of her then? He'd either be absolutely furious, run for the hills, or he'd treat her with kid gloves. She knew his anger had to still be simmering under there somewhere, so she had no idea what he'd do, she couldn't take him running away, couldn't even begin to imagine the pain…but she also knew she couldn't be his damsel in distress.

In all the years since her attack, she'd only told one person, but that was only to get George Marks's confession. Give a little to get a little. In that case, she gave a lot, far more than she'd bargained for, but she'd never once felt that she wasn't in control of the situation, even though he'd been pointing a gun at her the whole time. It was a calculated risk, but one she knew would pay off, and she'd been right.

But this? There was nothing calculated or controlled about this. And there was really no reason to tell Scotty. Not when his eyes finally shone once more with love and admiration instead of anger or that poor-Lilly sympathy crap. She could tell him, hell, she probably should…but…oh, it would be so blissfully easy to keep pretending. And if he didn't think anything bad had happened to her…it would make it so much simpler for her to go on acting like nothing had.

Decision made, she swept her thoughts under the rug and fixed Scotty with a bright smile. "Thanks," she told him, planting a quick kiss on his lips.

"Thought we were on the clock," Scotty said teasingly, surprised at the sudden change in her demeanor. As quickly as the sun had disappeared behind the clouds in the bar, it had come out again, just as brilliant as before. He wasn't sure whether she was hiding her pain, or whether he'd actually helped alleviate it, but at this point, he didn't give a rat's ass. He was just thrilled, and relieved, to see her smiling again.

"I don't think anybody's gonna mind," Lilly replied, wiggling an eyebrow, and Scotty took the bait and pounced, wrapping her in his arms once more and kissing her deeply, relishing the feeling of her lips against his and her hands cupping the back of his head. It was a much shorter kiss than he would have liked, but…they were on the clock, dammit.

As he released her, a question occurred to him, one that was out of his mouth and to Lilly's ears before he could stop himself.

"Is she really gonna…y'know…tell…?" he trailed off, not wanting to even mention the name that had come so close to tearing them apart, not once, but twice.

Lilly glanced up in surprise, then smiled slightly at the genuine alarm she saw in Scotty's eyes.

"Relax, Valens," she said lightly. "My mom's so drunk she won't even remember that she saw us today…and…no one's seen or heard from Chris in over three years."

"Good," he replied firmly, then stole a glance at her. "So…if she won't remember…guess I'm gonna hafta meet your mom again," he said with a lopsided grin that he hoped would conceal how much he already dreaded it.

Lilly smiled up at him. "Try not to look so good next time," she teased, elbowing him slightly.

Scotty laughed, and the sound warmed her heart. "I'll do my best," he agreed.

* * *

They returned to a mostly-empty squad room, where they talked about the case, tossing theories back and forth for a while, then turned to catching up on paperwork. A lull descended over them as they started filling out their interview reports, but Scotty found it difficult to concentrate. His mind was prone to wander from paperwork at the best of times, but now, watching Lilly, after a long day filled with all sorts of emotions, concentration proved nearly impossible. He knew from the determined look on her face that she was using work as a distraction…hell, he knew he'd done that more times than he cared to admit, and he also knew that, if he didn't do something, she'd be there until midnight. Surely he could find some other way for her to forget what had happened…for them to both forget…

He watched her pen dancing across the page, her hair falling over her shoulders, her eyes rapidly flitting back and forth as she raced through the interview report. He was always dumbfounded at how quick, yet accurate, she was with that paperwork. He hated paperwork. Couldn't stand it. If he'd wanted to sit at a desk and fill out forms all day, he'd have gone into accounting like Mike had. But he was a cop, for God's sake. Craved action. Danger. Excitement. Not paperwork.

That was the subject of one of the first conflicts he and Lil had ever had, he remembered. He'd just made murder cop, one of the proudest moments in his entire life, only to discover that he'd been paired not only with the one girl in the joint, but with the one detective who wasn't on the line, who instead spent her days in musty basements digging through boxes no one had seen the inside of for years, sometimes decades.

Scotty smiled ruefully as he remembered how antsy and eager he'd been, how utterly frustrated he was that they weren't out on the line, and how desperately he'd hoped that it was just a temporary assignment, that after he proved himself with Homicide's oddball, he could get out on the streets with the big boys. To add to his chagrin, Lilly had taken issue with the way he'd filled out interview reports. They'd always done it in third person at West…but he'd learned the hard way that in Homicide, they did them in first person.

Over the next few weeks, though, he'd calmed down. Lilly showed him that no murder victim, no matter how long dead, should ever be forgotten; no family should ever be denied justice, no doer should ever be allowed to roam free on the streets. In time, Vera and Jeffries had joined them in their quest to solve the cold jobs, and Scotty realized, by the end of his first couple months, that his burning desire to go out on the line had disappeared. He loved it here. Loved the team, loved the cases, loved absolutely everything about it. Of course, back then, he had no idea just how much he'd grow to love one particular aspect of his new job, that aspect who now sat across from him, filling out the last few lines of the interview report.

As though sensing his eyes on her, Lilly glanced up, and saw him watching her with an almost wistful tenderness.

"What?" she asked with a smile.

"C'mon," Scotty said suddenly, pushing his chair back from his desk. "I'm takin' you out to dinner."

Lilly chuckled. "Like Chinese take-out or bad hot dogs?" she asked.

"Nah," Scotty replied. "Real dinner. With chairs and menus and waiters...the works. Someplace nice."

Lilly glanced at him suspiciously. "Is this because you feel sorry for me?" she asked, her expression suddenly guarded.

"No," he answered evenly. "It's because I'm sittin' here tryin' to fill out this damn report, but all I can think about is how much I love you."

Lilly couldn't hide the brilliant smile that crept across her face nor the happy sparkle in her eyes, not that she tried. "Well, when you put it that way," she began, setting her pen down and filing the report away, "how could I refuse?"

"That's what I was countin' on," Scotty replied with a grin.

They'd gone to their favorite restaurant, all smiles and laughter, nothing about the afternoon mentioned, or, Scotty could tell from the look in Lilly's eyes, even thought about, at least on her end. After dinner, they'd headed back to Lilly's place and cuddled with the cats on the sofa, laughing themselves silly snarking at some ridiculously bad movie on TV, then, both leaden with fatigue, they'd crept up the stairs and fallen into bed.

_How 'bout that, Valens, _he congratulated himself as he drifted off, his arms wrapped protectively around Lilly as she pillowed her head on his shoulder. _You can save her after all…just can't let her know you're doin' it._


	17. Stop and Stare

**A/N: It's a really busy week. It might take me a little extra time to get the next chapter up. Apologies!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, but if I did, I'd give them up if it would mean the Patriots had a healthy Tom Brady.**

* * *

**Chapter 17: Stop and Stare**

Scotty had just sat down at his desk the next morning with a mug of coffee when Kat strode up to him carrying a newspaper. "Think you'll find this interesting," she said.

"Yeah?" Scotty asked over the rim of his coffee mug. "Why's that?"

"This is the article on Ted Danders' wife's death," she answered confidently, tossing the slightly yellowed paper on the desk in front of him. "Turns out…Harold Sweden played a pretty big part in it."

Scotty set down his coffee and skimmed the article with keen interest. "Well, no one we've talked to has mentioned that," he observed, then hit the high points of the story. "They were all at a car race…Harold Sweden taunted the cheerleaders with the T-shirt cannons into firin' one at him, somehow the T-shirts hit Marcia and knocked her off the back of the bleachers?" He glanced up at his colleagues in surprise.

"Ted sure as hell didn't mention that part," Vera piped up from his desk.

"No charges, no lawsuit, no nothin'," Kat confirmed, with a glance in Vera's direction.

"I know if I'm Ted, and I'm lookin' for someone's ass to kick, I'd sure be lookin' in Harold's direction," Scotty remarked.

"Better hope he doesn't challenge you to settle it on the basketball court," Vera retorted with a smirk. Scotty shot him a glare, but remained silent.

Kat glanced with amusement from Vera to Scotty, rolled her eyes, then turned the conversation back to the case. "I'm with you, I think Ted mighta wanted to take matters into his own hands."

"Maybe he--wait," Scotty paused, suddenly distracted by a neighboring article from that day's newspaper. He skimmed it, a slow grin spreading across his face as his eyes began to light up.

"Oh, man," he said excitedly, "this is the best thing I've read all week."

Smirking in triumph, he tucked the paper under his arm and made a beeline for the kitchen, where he grabbed the very last donut remaining in the box. Chocolate twirl. Miller's favorite kind.

Waking up to a gorgeous smile from Lilly, catching a potential break in the case, and now this? It was barely nine, and today was already kicking ass.

His smirk still firmly in place, he returned to the squad room, where he took a large, triumphant bite of the donut, reveling in the barely suppressed laughter from Vera and the wide-eyed expression of shock on his partner's face. It seemed he'd stunned Miller speechless, and he could count on, well, one finger the number of times he'd managed to do that.

"That better as hell not be…" she began, attempting to level Scotty with her most ferocious glare.

"Sorry, Miller," he apologized insincerely around his mouthful of pastry . "That whole 'Lil told you I'm awesome' bullcrap ain't gonna work on me today."

Kat continued to glare, Vera continued to choke back laughter, and Scotty continued to enjoy every minute of it.

"This newspaper you showed me? Right next to the article about Marcia Danders is an article about the health benefits of sex," he announced triumphantly. He took another bite of donut, then pulled out the paper and began to read.

"Did you know," he began, his voice practically dripping with glee, "that a thirty-minute romp in bed burns between 150 and 200 calories?"

"Really?" Vera asked, eyes alight with sudden intrigue as his head snapped up so fast Kat wondered briefly if he might hurt himself. "200 calories, huh? _Nice_."

Scotty glanced at Vera, met his eyes with a smile, then returned to grinning wickedly at his partner. "So…since Lil thinks I'm awesome and all…I figure I can afford a few donuts here and there."

Kat kept glaring, but he just met her eyes in triumph and popped the remainder of the donut into his mouth. "It's a win-win," he concluded. "The more donuts I eat, the more sex I gotta have to keep my abs of glory. It's a great time to be alive."

Whatever Kat might have said in reply was cut off by Stillman, coming into the office with Lilly and Jeffries.

"Just tracked down Denise Sweden…Harold's daughter," Stillman announced, as Lilly and Scotty met each other's eyes with a brief, but loving, glance.

"She was there at the time of Marcia Danders' death," Lilly added. "She was only eight, but she witnessed the whole thing."

"Death by T-shirt," Jeffries mused. "Now I've seen it all."

"We think Harold did it on purpose? Maybe he had somethin' against Marcia?" Scotty asked, glancing around at his colleagues to try and read their thoughts.

"Article makes it sound like it was an accident," Kat replied. "Don't know what was goin' on in the man's head, but it doesn't seem like he had any ill-intent."

"But whether he did or not," Vera added, "that sure as hell gives her husband motive for murder."

"Let's go talk to people who witnessed Marcia's death," Stillman suggested, "but…don't bring Ted into it yet. If he's guilty, we want plenty of ammo…"

"And if he's not," Jeffries concluded, "no sense makin' him relive that."

"Exactly," Stillman agreed, as the others nodded.

"The daughter works at Gilligan's Jewelry," he continued, handing the file to Lilly. "Have at it, Lil…diamonds are a girl's best friend," he remarked with a slight smile.

Lilly, slightly alarmed, quickly handed off the file to the nearest person, who, she realized too late…just happened to be Scotty. Their eyes met briefly, and she noticed he looked nearly as alarmed as she felt. Lilly avoided looking at her colleagues, knowing that they were bound to be studying them carefully, with expressions ranging from curiosity to outright amusement.

"You, uh…you want me to come with you?" Scotty asked, also avoiding his colleagues' eyes.

"I'm gonna go talk to the wife again," Lilly replied smoothly. Going to a jewelry store with Scotty? That would set the squad's tongues wagging even more than they already were, and Lilly had had more than enough of being the center of their gossipy attention, well-meaning though it was. This, even though it was merely an interview, would just add fuel to the fire.

"Fair enough," Scotty answered, then turned to Kat. "How 'bout it, Miller?" he asked, tossing his partner a grin.

Kat looked up at him with a withering glance. "Diamonds sure ain't my best friend," she retorted. "Besides, I thought I'd go see if I can track down the T-shirt girl."

"Oh, I'm there," Vera piped up eagerly. Kat glared at him, but he was undeterred.

"Talkin' to a bikini-wearin' cheerleader with a T-shirt gun while Valens has to go to a jewelry store?" he smirked. "Can't pass that up."

The others chuckled, and Scotty finally turned to Jeffries. "You got any feelin's about diamonds one way or the other?" he asked with a wry grin.

"Not a one," Jeffries answered smoothly, fishing the car keys from his coat pocket.

* * *

As they drove to their interview, Scotty and Jeffries sat mostly in silence. That was par for the course with Will, Scotty had come to realize. Car trips with Lilly were, of course, filled with flirtatious banter, trips with Vera usually centered around sports, and trips with Miller were usually full of friendly bickering…but with Jeffries, there was always a comfortable, companionable silence, allowing both detectives some much-needed time alone with their thoughts. Jeffries was always a man of few words, and Scotty sometimes wondered if he rationed them so he'd have enough to conduct the interviews.

The quiet allowed Scotty's mind to wander, and, not surprisingly, he found himself burning with indignation once more at their encounter with Ellen Rush the previous day. Oh, sure, Lilly had bounced back. The dinner, the crappy movie, and the fits of laughter resulting from both had done wonders for her demeanor, and that morning, she'd woken up all smiles, like nothing had ever happened. Scotty had wondered briefly how she could be so happy after something like that, but he'd realized, with a pang, that it had probably come from years of careful practice. She pretended like it didn't affect her, but he knew it did. She'd looked panicked…shell-shocked the day before. She'd let him hold her in the middle of the street, hell, she'd even allowed a tear to escape. Just that one, of course, but he could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen her cry even that much. So he knew it bothered her…but then it was almost like she'd flipped a switch. Like she'd gone from rain to sunshine in the span of a few seconds, and he still wasn't quite sure what had caused that. He wanted to think it was him, he really did, but he couldn't help but wonder if that was part of Lilly's coping mechanism: pretend it didn't bother her, so maybe she could start believing it herself.

Well, whether it bothered her or not, it sure as hell had bothered him. Lil hadn't been kidding about her mother, hadn't been making any of it up. Oh, intellectually, he'd known all along that she wasn't, but, if he were honest with himself, he realized he'd been hoping she was at least exaggerating just a little. If she were exaggerating, then maybe the love of his life didn't have as horrible of a childhood as she thought she did…but the encounter with Ellen had made Scotty realize that there was a decent chance it _had_ been as bad as Lilly said. And that had started his blood boiling.

The thing that bothered him the most, he'd realized, more than Ellen's drinking, more than the accusations she'd hurled at Lilly for ignoring her for her job, was that offhand comment she'd made.

_Hope you can hang onto this one for longer than a month._

If he hadn't been so furious at that point, Scotty might have laughed at the irony. Hell, he and Lil had been together for nearly a year already, but she hadn't let him tell her mother that. Hadn't let him tell her anything, really, and he had plenty prepared. He'd wanted to launch into an impassioned speech about how grossly Ellen underestimated Lilly, how wonderful she was, how deeply he loved her, how happy she made him, and how he was planning on spending the rest of his life with her, but that icy blue glare Lilly had shot him had killed the words in his throat. That glare was made of far more than just anger, he knew that. He was able to read in it a sense of almost desperation, pleading with him to stay quiet. And so he had. After he'd cooled off some and had some time to think about it, he realized she'd been absolutely right. He'd only dealt with Ellen for about ten minutes at that point; Lilly had spent over thirty years. She knew how to handle her mother, and so Scotty had, albeit reluctantly, deferred to her experience and kept his mouth shut.

But in addition to anger on Lilly's behalf, he suddenly discovered, was that Ellen's careless, drunkenly slurred comment hit him in his soft spot: his fear that someday, Lilly would need him, and he wouldn't be there for her. She claimed not to need anyone to save her, but …hell, just look at her. Fifteen minutes with Ellen showed him that she really did need someone. She needed him. And, if he were painfully honest with himself…he wasn't sure he'd be man enough to handle it when the time came. 

Oh, sure, he could "save" her by taking her out to dinner and distracting her with a bad movie on TV, but when it really counted…would he knock that pitch out of the park, or would he strike out…again? He definitely wasn't batting a thousand, that was for damn sure. More like zero. As a kid, he'd let Mike down, as a cop, he'd abandoned Ana Castilla to the wolves, and Elisa…well, that still ranked as his greatest failure.

The slam of the car door interrupted his roiling thoughts, and Scotty looked up with a start and discovered, to his surprise, that they had already arrived at their destination. Jeffries cast him a curious glance, but didn't say anything, and Scotty was relieved that, of all the people he could have gone on this particular interview with, Will Jeffries was the one he'd gotten. Everyone else would have been practically interrogating him by now.

The two detectives strode into the jewelry store, where business seemed slow. There was no visible clerk, so they strolled up to the counter, peering around the corner into the back room, hoping someone would appear soon.

As he glanced down to retrieve his notebook and a pen from his pocket, Scotty couldn't help but notice the rows upon rows of sparkling diamond rings. So many of them…all glittering teasingly, enticing whichever hapless soul happened to be standing there to stop and take a closer look. Which, at that particular moment, Scotty realized with a start…happened to be him.

Staring at those rings made his thoughts pick up right where they'd left off: with Elisa. He supposed it was only natural, having scarcely darkened the door of a jeweler's since that damp, chilly evening all those years ago when he'd charged into one and, in the span of about five minutes, changed the course of his life forever.

Over dinner that night, he'd ended his latest pointless relationship with yet another woman who, though gorgeous and charming and all the rest…just wasn't Elisa. He and Elisa had broken up for the umpteenth time six months before, a few weeks after Scotty had graduated from Academy, when she'd accused him, yet again, of being flaky and undependable. That comment had set his blood boiling, and he'd stormed out of her place, planting a solid kick to a phone booth on the way out.

He'd tried dating almost immediately, having been with Elisa so long that he'd completely forgotten what it was like to be alone. But his heart was never in any of the relationships he had, and, sitting across the table from Nina as they agreed to call it quits, he finally realized why. Elisa was the one.

Scotty smiled ruefully as he remembered his youthful audacity, reflected on that young, scrappy, take-charge guy who didn't take any crap from anybody, who charged through life like a bull in a china shop, who saw what he wanted, went after it, and usually got it. So, mere moments after he and Nina had gone their separate ways, he'd immediately gone out and purchased a sparkling diamond solitaire. The ring wasn't much, certainly not what he wanted to be able to give Elisa, but he figured it would prove his point: that he wasn't gonna run, wasn't gonna hide. Whatever was wrong with her, whatever sickness she had, he was gonna be there. He was gonna make it better. He was gonna save her.

They hadn't spoken in weeks except for a couple of arguments, so Scotty didn't even know whether she'd be home, or what her mental state might be. He hadn't even had time to think about what he was doing, hadn't even had time to get nervous. The ink on the credit card slip was barely dry before he was bounding out of that jewelry store and hopping on the train, headed for Elisa's parents' place, having heard she was staying there for a while, and single-minded in his determination to prove to her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Sure enough, she'd answered the door, and her soulful brown eyes had widened in shock when she'd seen him standing there on the doorstep. It was in that moment that Scotty realized he hadn't brought flowers, hadn't asked her father's permission, hadn't even given much thought to what he might say. He just knew that she was what he wanted, that even though she was sick, at least until they could find the right meds, that didn't change a damn thing. She was his, dammit, and he wanted to prove it to her.

He'd stood there speechless on her front step for a minute, and she'd demanded to know, as fiercely as she could, which wasn't all that fiercely, truth be told, what the hell he was doing there. He hadn't called in weeks, she pointed out. She'd heard he moved on. Wasn't he dating that girl from the dry cleaner's?

No, he'd responded. He wasn't seeing anyone anymore, because none of them could hold his interest for more than a couple of weeks.

Elisa had snapped then, angrily accusing him of making her his consolation prize, of wanting to be with her only when he couldn't find anyone else, and she was done. She was done with him flitting in and out of her life, getting her hopes up only to dash them once more when things got rough and he took off.

Scotty had nearly exploded then, reminding her that she was the one who insisted that he leave, she was the one who shut him out and wouldn't let him in, wouldn't let him help her when things got bad, wouldn't let him be there for her in the first place. She was the one who'd initiated their breakup, not him. She'd scoffed at this, saying he'd practically sprinted out the door before she'd even finished telling him that she thought they needed time apart. He'd been so eager to leave that Elisa stood there accusing him, the hurt still shimmering in her eyes, of having his next girlfriend waiting outside for Elisa to give Scotty the green light so he could go be with someone else without having to be the asshole who dumped his sick girlfriend.

Raking a hand through his hair, Scotty had sighed in exasperation at the fact that they were having the same damn argument…_again_. Elisa was driving him crazy, and it was, as usual, impossible to think straight around her. So impossible, in fact, that he had forgotten entirely that he was holding a paper bag from a jewelry store. She hadn't noticed it at first, but then had folded her arms across her chest, shifted her weight to one hip, and eyed him with suspicion.

"What's in the bag?" she'd asked him coolly.

Scotty had glanced down, suddenly remembering what he had in his hand, but quickly recovered. "It's how I'm gonna win this goddamn argument, once and for all," he'd snapped in reply, handing her the bag. He was too angry to get down on one knee, and he'd been in too much of a hurry to prepare some damn flowery speech. He was no good at that kind of thing anyway, and Elisa knew that better than anybody.

She'd glared at him for a minute, then peered into the bag. With a startled shriek, she'd dropped it as though it contained either a dead rat or a live snake.

"What?" Scotty had demanded.

"What _is_ that?" she asked again.

"Open it and find out," he challenged, folding his arms and not backing down in the slightest.

They'd stared at each other for a moment, Scotty's heart pounding wildly as he met her gaze, not daring to look away even for a second, and finally, her dark eyes still locked on his, she'd bent down to pick up the bag, hands trembling as she withdrew the little velvet box.

"Is this…?" she'd asked softly, her anger instantly gone.

"Just…just _look_," he'd ordered her, more harshly than he'd intended.

"Fine," she'd replied, trying to sound indignant, but unable to hide her nervous smile. "Baby, you're so impatient."

She'd opened the box then, and Scotty's heart had absolutely melted as her mouth and eyes opened wide and an adorable pink blush spread into her cheeks. She'd squeaked in surprise, the cutest sound he'd ever heard her make, and then clapped her free hand over her mouth.

"See? Told ya I ain't goin' nowhere," he'd responded cockily.

"Oh, Scotty," she'd whispered, still staring at the ring she held in her outstretched hand.

"So? How 'bout it?" he'd asked, suddenly nervous.

"Oh, God, yes," she'd shrieked, then leaped into his arms, giggling uncontrollably, still clutching the ring in her hand. He'd caught her, joy like he'd never imagined flooding his heart, and spun her around in circles, right there on her front porch, the two of them laughing with pure, unadulterated elation, the tears spilling out of Elisa's eyes and dropping softly onto his leather jacket.

He'd put her down then, his confidence returning, and gazed into her eyes. Wordlessly, she'd held out the box to him, and, his hands trembling, he'd finally gotten down on one knee and slipped the ring onto her equally shaky finger as she brushed away the happy tears with her other hand. He'd been about to say something eloquent, or at least as eloquent as he got, when he heard the gruff clearing of a throat.

"Papi," Elisa had exclaimed excitedly, turning around and running into her living room, leaving Scotty kneeling, somewhat awkwardly, on the porch step. As Elisa had proudly flaunted the sparkling diamond that now adorned her left hand, Scotty had quickly stood up and brushed off his jeans, then hesitantly entered the house. Elisa's father had never quite taken to him, thinking he was entirely too flighty and unpredictable for his little _princesa_, which was partially why Scotty hadn't bothered to ask his permission in the first place. That, and the fact that he just hadn't thought of it. But when Luis saw the joy in his little girl's eyes, and saw the earnestness in the gaze of the nervous young man in the black leather jacket who stood awkwardly in the doorway, he knew that nothing he could say or do would change their minds. He hadn't said a word to Scotty, just looked at him, given a slight nod, and gone back to hugging his daughter, whose enthusiastic squeals had by now attracted the attention of the entire family.

Scotty had thought, in his naïve youthfulness, that his promise to always be there would solve all their problems…but of course, that had just been the beginning. As the weeks and months had gone by, he'd found himself getting cold feet, lying awake nights wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into. The meds that had promised to cure Elisa and make her…herself…again, hadn't worked. Scotty was convinced that if they just kept going to doctors, just kept trying different combinations of drugs, that, eventually, things would be fine, Elisa would get well, and they could go on with the life they'd dreamed of since they were fourteen, her illness a speed bump to be buried far in the past and never thought of again.

Of course, that hadn't worked. The meds would be effective for a while, but then she'd start seeing giants again, and they'd have to start all over. The more trips he took on the roller coaster, the less sure of things he became, and when Elisa saw him dragging his feet on setting a date, she'd gotten mad, ripped the ring from her finger and shoved it into his hand, ordering him to never make a promise to her again if he wasn't willing to follow through. When she'd given the ring back, Scotty had been forced to admit that a part of him was relieved. He wasn't ready to get married, he'd realized…because the life he'd imagined with Elisa was looking less and less likely by the day.

Not that he'd been able to leave after that. Oh, no. If anything, he became even more determined in his efforts to fix her, to save her, to find her a cure. He wanted to prove to her that, ring or not, he'd never, ever leave her. They'd made assumptions about him; Elisa, her sister, her family, everyone…and, wedding or not, he wanted to prove them wrong. During the last few years, most marriage talk had ceased, but Elisa had become even more dependent on him. Her family wanted to send her to the hospital, wanted to institutionalize her, but Scotty was having none of it. That would have meant he'd failed, so he'd spent nearly every waking moment caring for her, until the end, when he'd realized he couldn't, when he'd…

Shoving the painful memories aside once more, Scotty realized, with a pang, that he still had that damned engagement ring. He'd come home the night she'd given it back to him and angrily shoved it back into the box and stuffed it somewhere in the depths of his sock drawer, holding onto it just in case someday he was man enough to follow through, man enough to keep his promises. He'd vowed never to make another promise to her again, but of course, he'd made countless promises, and, to his credit, had kept more than he'd broken. Ultimately, though, they'd both broken their promises to always be there for one another, and while a few years ago, that would have been devastating to him, he now realized that he was older, wiser…

…and suddenly, he wasn't thinking about Elisa anymore. It was like a page had turned in his mind, neatly stowing those old memories in the past, where they belonged, thank God. Besides, Scotty realized…he wasn't that guy anymore. He wasn't that naïve kid who was in love with his childhood sweetheart. He was a grown man, he'd moved on…and he was deeply, irrevocably in love once more…with Lilly Rush.

As though drawn by an unseen force, he glanced down at the rings again, and realized, with a start, that he could clearly picture one of them sparkling on Lilly's delicate left hand.

_Where the hell did THAT come from? _Scotty wondered with a start. He'd never pictured it that clearly before. Oh, sure, the idea had crossed his mind, but it had always been vague and fuzzy, and he'd always brushed it aside as a pipe dream, something ridiculous and unrealistic that he dared not even hope for. He tried this tactic again, trying to think about something else, _anything_ else…but this time, the image simply wouldn't go away.

_Get real, Valens, _he chided himself. Whether he wanted this or not, it was irrelevant. Pie in the sky, something that was pointless to even think about, something that would never happen, especially with someone like Lilly. Someone who he was damn lucky was even with him in the first place, someone who'd begged him for baby steps, someone who'd run for the hills at the slightest provocation, someone who'd shied away from commitment time and time again, someone who…

…_went to your mother's place and learned to make guava turnovers just to prove to your sorry ass that she's in this thing and she ain't goin' nowhere_, his brain reminded him impatiently, and the enormity of that realization silenced his chattering thoughts, just for a moment.

Scotty's heart began to race as his eyes sneaked back to the display case, as that crazy thought took an even more defined shape in his mind, as the idea of a diamond ring on Lilly's finger suddenly didn't seem so far-fetched. Maybe it wasn't a pipe dream after all. Maybe they could actually have that. Maybe she wouldn't--

"Can I help you find something?" a cheerful voice behind the counter piped up, and Scotty was so startled that he nearly jumped. So lost had he been in his reverie that he'd almost completely forgotten the reason he was in this pink-carpeted, potpourri-smelling store in the first place, and as he glanced up, he noticed that Jeffries had been standing next to him for God alone knew how long, eyeing him once more with kind curiosity. _Oh, great._

Scotty cleared his throat. "Uh…no…uh…just…just lookin'," he replied, with what he hoped was a casual smile.

Jeffries' curiosity turned to amusement as he glanced once more at his colleague, then flashed his badge to the girl behind the counter. "What Detective Valens means, ma'am," he interjected smoothly, "is that we have a few questions for Denise Sweden."

"I'm Denise," she replied, then glanced at the two detectives, melancholy clouding her eyes. "Is this…about Dad?" she asked.

Jeffries nodded slowly, and Denise sighed. "Mom said you might be coming around…I gave up hoping for justice a long time ago, but…you guys actually have a lead?" she asked.

"We're thinkin' your neighbor mighta had motive," Scotty began, relieved to finally be able to think about something besides diamonds and Lilly and the frightening, yet exhilarating idea he'd begun to bounce around in his head.

"Ted Danders?" Denise asked in amazement, fingering the string of pearls around her neck. "He and Dad didn't always see eye to eye, that's for sure, but Ted was just so sweet. I can't imagine him…" she trailed off, clearly in shock.

"We uncovered a newspaper article about Ted's wife's death," Jeffries continued softly. "Do you remember anything about that day?"

Denise sighed and smiled slightly. "We were supposed to go on a nature hike that day," she began, "but Dad said we could do that anytime. He wanted to take us to a race…this was our chance to see cars driving, he said." She smiled fondly at the memory. "Anyway, the cheerleaders started firing T-shirts out of cannons, and Dad took off the shirt he was wearing right about the same time Mrs. Danders decided to go get some hot dogs. Dad actually drew a target on his chest so they'd know where to aim, and all the girls fired their cannons at once. And then, Dad found a bobby pin and bent down, and…the shirts hit Mrs. Danders…" she finished, her eyes filling with tears.

Scotty and Jeffries exchanged a glace. "A bobby pin? If I were Ted, I'd sure as hell be thinkin' revenge," he remarked.

"Dad didn't mean it," Denise explained hastily. "He was a clumsy oaf…did a lot of stupid things, but…he was…he was a good man."

Scotty and Jeffries looked at each other once more. They'd gotten what they'd come for. Intentionally or not, Harold Sweden had provoked the cheerleaders and then ducked, leading to Marcia Danders' death. That definitely gave Ted motive. Decision made, they thanked Denise for her time, handed her a card, and departed.

As they left the jewelry store, Scotty felt Jeffries' curious eyes on him once more, and he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions he was sure his colleague was itching to ask. After seeing him practically drooling over those diamond rings in there, he was sure even Jeffries wouldn't keep quiet for long, and Scotty didn't blame him, frankly. If he'd been in Will's shoes, he sure as hell would have been dying of curiosity. But he wasn't prepared to answer any questions. Not yet.

"Pretty deep in thought back there," was all Jeffries said, much to Scotty's relief. It wasn't a direct, _what the hell was THAT all about _question like he'd have gotten from, well, any of the others, just a simple, _I'm here if you want to talk about it_ invitation. And if he'd been able to formulate any coherent thoughts, he just might have taken Will Jeffries up on his offer. But his mind was spinning so fast he didn't even know how to articulate anything to even himself, let alone to his colleague…his friend…his girlfriend's partner…

Scotty hesitated for a long moment. "Yeah," he finally admitted with a sheepish grin. "Just…thinkin'."

Jeffries smiled broadly. "Well, don't think too hard," he replied, his voice quiet and rich with kindness. "The heart wants what it wants."


	18. This Is Home

**A/N: Scotty's confused. He doesn't like being confused, so he retreats, broods, and becomes exceedingly unhelpful. It's irritating, really.**

**Disclaimer: Not my characters, but I love 'em anyway. **

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: This Is Home**

_This is home_

_Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong_

_Yeah, this is home_

_I've been searching for a place of my own_

_Now I've found it_

_Yeah, this is home_

The next couple of days passed in a blur for Lilly. The new lead on the case had everyone hopping, and it seemed like they were closing in on Ted's motive. However, they'd reached something of a standstill, because Ted claimed to have been at church the night of the murder, but his pastor refused to either confirm or deny that, citing confidentiality. The detectives had turned instead to interviewing several more witnesses, which took far more time than they would have liked, and led to a couple of late nights at the office.

As a result, she didn't have that much time together with Scotty outside of work, and at night, they'd been so exhausted that they'd just gone to one of their apartments and fallen into bed without much conversation. But, despite the long hours, despite the lack of alone time, Lilly still sensed that there was something different about him. Frequently, he seemed to be watching her, studying her with a strange expression on his face, even when they were hard at work.

It wasn't always there. Sometimes, Scotty's dark eyes were shining with love, warming her to the very depths of her soul and keeping her going through the difficult, and often frustrating, interviews that filled their days. Just the merest glance of his eyes, and she got another jolt of energy, a renewed determination to catch whoever killed Harold Sweden, and a reminder of why, exactly, she was so passionate about her job. And as she'd met his eyes, she could tell just by the expression she saw reflected in them that she was having the same effect on him. That was one of the most beautiful parts of their relationship, Lilly thought…their ability to renew each other, to strengthen each other, with just a look, a glance, a brief moment in time, completely unnoticed by anyone else, all without saying a word.

But sometimes, the look in his eyes was darker, harder, a bit…perplexed. He almost seemed to be sizing her up, to be contemplating something. It was the same expression he got when they were stumped on a case and he was examining it from every possible angle, something she'd always loved about him, even before they were together, back when they were just partners. She loved watching his mind work. Scotty wasn't perhaps the most book-smart person she'd ever met, but his unique perspective and powerful cop instincts were right more often than not, and occasionally, after mulling it over for a while, he'd come up with some angle that Lilly would never have thought of, not in a million years.

But now…that look was turned on her. _What the hell could that possibly be about, _she'd wondered more than once over the course of those two days. But, since they'd been so busy, she'd never really gotten a chance to ask him about it, and even if she had…she wasn't completely sure she wanted to know the answer.

One bright, yet chilly afternoon, as the two of them headed down the street for some much-needed fresh air and a cup of real coffee, she glanced over at Scotty to find him still deeply immersed in his thoughts. If she didn't know him so well, she'd have thought it was about the case…but she did know him. And it wasn't. Oh, he was trying to hide it, she could tell, by the way he looked away every time she glanced in his direction. It was like they were in junior high, for God's sake. He wasn't angry, though, and he also, thank God, wasn't looking at her with sympathy. Instead, he was looking at her like she was a puzzle, a case, some complex riddle for him to figure out.

As they walked in silence, Lilly suddenly realized with certainty that the day she'd begun getting those strange looks from him was the day after he'd met her mom. She was used to the acerbic remarks Ellen tossed her way, but she knew Scotty wasn't. Meeting her mother would bother him far more than it did her, Lilly knew, and she was afraid he'd make a bigger deal out of it than he needed to. That was part of why she'd wanted to keep her mother a secret from him for a long as possible, but, since that hadn't worked, she'd hoped he'd just forget about it. That was how she coped with it. When her mother wasn't there, staring her in the face, Lilly could pretend she'd had a normal childhood like everyone else. And over the years, she'd realized that the less contact she had with her mother, the better. Oh, Ellen would try to reach out from time to time, like when she'd sobered up long enough to rope in Jackie and then ask Lilly to be the Maid of Honor, but it always ended in disaster, and then they'd return to their unspoken agreement: no contact unless absolutely necessary. It suited Lilly just fine; she didn't know how her mother felt about it, and she didn't care. _So what if she's lonely?_ Lilly thought bitterly. _She should have thought of that before ignoring her daughters for their entire childhood while she was out boozing and chasing men._

So, since she and her mother rarely spoke, and since Ellen wasn't a part of her everyday life, Lilly found it easy to pretend she wasn't there. She knew Scotty wouldn't be able to, though, and she wasn't sure how he'd handle it…but the night after their encounter with her had been wonderful. He'd done pretty much exactly what she'd needed him to do, which was stay quiet, hold her for a while, and then act like it had never happened. True, he'd looked at her with sympathy for a few brief moments, but she'd called him on it, and he'd stopped, not breathing a word about it to her since then, and she could have wept with gratitude. Instead, they'd gone out that night and had a few beers, some great food, and a ton of laughs, and then come home and watched a horrible movie on TV. They'd both made so many sarcastic comments about it that Lilly had laughed until tears streamed down her face and her sides ached, and Scotty was laughing so hard that his face had turned a deep shade of red and he was gasping for breath, begging her to stop. She couldn't remember the last time the two of them had been so goofy, and she wasn't sure why they'd chosen that night for it, but it was just the release they'd needed. Besides, Lilly reasoned, if she hadn't laughed, she'd have cried, and laughing, she'd discovered with a sense of grateful wonder…laughing with Scotty about everything and nothing…that was infinitely preferable to crying alone.

She hadn't seen him much the next morning except for that brief conversation in the squad room. She'd awakened him bright and early, all smiles, then kissed him and headed off for the shower, thinking he was awake and on his way to make the coffee, but, when she emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and ready for the day, much to her surprise, Scotty had rolled over and was sound asleep once more. Laughing softly, she'd shaken him awake and then dashed off to work while he raced for the shower, and when she'd seen him in the office, his eyes had been twinkling with something that looked suspiciously like triumph. She later learned that he'd somehow gotten Miller back for the "abs of glory" incident, but she didn't know specifics. And then, Scotty and Jeffries had gone off on their interview, and she hadn't seen him until later that afternoon, when they all got back to the office and started the round of interviews, and that's when she'd started to notice the looks. So…they had to be about her mother.

As the near-certainly began to wrap itself around Lilly's heart, she vowed never to ask Scotty about the way he'd been looking at her, because if it was indeed about her mother, and she brought it up, he'd almost certainly make her talk about it. And talking…that was the last thing she wanted to do. In fact, even if she didn't bring it up, there was a more-than-decent chance that he would…and that was a chance she simply didn't want to take.

Scotty glanced over at her again, with that same damn puzzled look, and, impulsively, she grabbed him by the lapels of his coat, spun him around, and gave him a long, greedy kiss, right there on the street, in broad daylight, not two blocks away from Headquarters. He was surprised at first, Lilly could tell, but within a couple of seconds, his surprise had been replaced by gratitude and love as he wrapped his arms around her and returned her kiss eagerly. She didn't know how long they stood there on the sidewalk, kissing like there was no tomorrow, but when they finally pulled apart, Scotty was breathless and his cheeks were flushed.

"What was that for?" he finally managed, a grin spreading across his face even as confusion glittered in his dark eyes.

"Because I love you," Lilly replied matter-of-factly, beaming up at him. "And because you looked like you needed it." _And also because I want you to stop looking at me like I'm a case you can't figure out. It's unnerving, and I'm afraid you'll ask questions._

Scotty returned her smile, and she could sense the clouds lifting from him as he studied her.

"That's a damn good reason," he answered, kissed her again, then grabbed her hand and led her to the coffee cart, the brooding thoughts scattered, at least for the moment.

_Mission accomplished, _Lilly congratulated herself.

* * *

They walked back to the squad room with lighter hearts, bantering and flirting like they usually did, and Scotty was eternally grateful. Lilly's impulsive kiss had done wonders for his mood, and it was a welcome change, because, quite frankly, he'd been endlessly perplexed the past two days. That jewelry store visit, his reminiscences about Elisa, and Jeffries' offhanded "the heart wants what it wants" comment had thrown him into a tailspin of confusion, and he hated being confused. Hated it with every fiber of his being. He was a Homicide detective, dammit, and when something was puzzling him, he'd mull it over and examine it from every possible angle, nearly non-stop, until he finally figured it out. And he realized, over the past couple of days, that he'd been doing that about Lilly.

Because Jeffries was right. His heart did want what it wanted. And his heart wanted Lilly, always and forever…but he didn't know whether proposing marriage to her would make her smile and happily accept, or whether it'd scare her to death and make her run for the hills. He knew her opinion of marriage was on the cynical side; he'd known that ever since one morning a while back when she'd come in after uncharacteristically meeting her mother for coffee.

"How'd it go with your mom this mornin'?" he'd asked her.

"She's getting married!" Lilly had told him, her voice uncharacteristically chipper. _Too _chipper.

"Oh," Scotty had replied with a congratulatory grin.

"For the fourth time," Lilly had continued, and he hadn't even had a chance to respond before she'd walked off.

After having met Ellen, all this suddenly made sense. He knew exactly why Lilly was bitter about marriage, why the very idea might turn her stomach, despite all the reassurances she'd given him that she was in this, no matter where it went, and for that reason, he figured proposing to her might possibly be his worst, most monumental screw-up ever. But Scotty simply couldn't get that idea out of his head, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized, with both exhilaration and a sinking feeling, that that truly was what he wanted…he just didn't know how to even begin to approach the subject with Lilly. So he'd settled for puzzling over it like it was a case, but, unlike cases, the more he thought about it, the more confused he got, and he knew Lilly had picked up on it, but, thank God, she hadn't asked him any questions about it. Frankly, he no idea what he'd say.

So that kiss…that was the most welcome surprise he could have come up with, and his heart swelled with love as he looked over at Lilly once more. But with the love came a return of the pressure he was suddenly feeling to do something about this, and he was dangerously close to sliding back into his maelstrom of obsessive thoughts when they reached Headquarters and he could think, once again, about work. Thank God.

Upon their arrival, their colleagues met them with exciting news: Ted's pastor had finally cracked and blown a hole right through his alibi, and Ted was in the interview room waiting for them. Stillman instructed Lilly and Jeffries to conduct the interview, and Scotty joined the others in Observation, his veins coursing with the anticipation that always came with catching a doer and closing a case.

Jeffries began the interview as Lilly stood off to one side, watching her partner take the lead.

"Look, Ted…I know how you feel," he began. Ted's eyes flickered with interest as he turned toward Jeffries.

"Well, pardon my sayin' so, friend, but I don't think you do," Ted replied, irritation coloring his normally kind voice.

Jeffries, unruffled as ever, merely continued. "I lost my wife, too," he said softly, and that got everyone's attention. "Hit-and-run, back in '95."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Ted remarked quietly.

"Some truck driver mowed her down and just kept on going," Jeffries continued, "and one night…I got the chance to get my revenge."

Everyone in Observation froze. When the hell had this happened? They exchanged glances, but no one dared to even breathe as Jeffries continued.

"I pulled my gun on him," he said, sitting down next to Ted. "Had the trigger ready to pull, watched that pathetic sack of crap beg for his life...I wanted to do to him what he did to my wife."

Ted looked on with interest as Jeffries scooted closer. "But in the end…I couldn't do it. Killing him wouldn't have brought my wife back to me."

Ted nodded. "No…it didn't."

Scotty and his colleagues exchanged a satisfied glance. That was it. That was the crack in the man's veneer they needed, and a confession would be forthcoming. From the look on Ted's face, Scotty could tell that he knew it, too, and it didn't take much prompting from the detectives for him to tearfully spill his guts. He'd gotten drunk for the first and only time in his life, then lured Ted to the top of his apartment building and told him, in detail, just how empty his life was without Marcia in it. He repeated his speech practically word for word, and Scotty felt an unwelcome surge of compassion for this doer…because he could remember a time when he'd felt exactly the same way, had had nearly the same opportunity. And he'd wanted to murder the man responsible for Elisa's death…until he'd found out that man was innocent.

But that was all in the past now, and Scotty cast a grateful glance at Lilly, but was shocked at the look in her eyes. He saw, in their oceanic depths…fear. Fear? From Lil? During a confession?

Ted continued, talking about how he'd lured Harold to the very edge, and then, with a shout of "Damn you, Sweden!" shoving him off the room to the ground below, but Scotty wasn't listening. That look in Lilly's eyes…that flicker of fear…he knew what this was about.

_Hope you can hang onto this one longer than a month._

Her mother's comment really had affected her more than he thought, and, despite everything they'd been through, despite the months they'd been together, she was still afraid she wouldn't be able to hold onto him, and he'd leave her, just like everyone else in her life.

_Dammit._

Without even thinking, he abruptly left the observation room, ignoring the surprised glances he got from Miller and Vera. The case was closing, they'd gotten the confession, so all they'd need him for was packing up the boxes, which he could do when he got back. But there was something far more pressing, far more important than a case at the moment.

Scotty knew he had to prove to Lilly that he'd never leave her. Had to prove to her that he wasn't going anywhere, that he was in this…and he knew just how to do it.

On his way down the hall, he rifled through his notes for the address he needed, then jogged to the parking lot and jumped into the car, single-minded in his determination to get there, to do what he needed to do, to prove his point to Lilly. And moments later, he'd arrived at his destination, his jaw set and his heart racing. He yanked open the door, the tinkling of bells resonating in his memory, and suddenly, as he took in the pink carpet, the potpourri scent, and the cases upon cases of sparkling diamonds, waves of déjà vu began to wash over him, and he stopped. Absolutely frozen to the spot. Couldn't have moved if his life depended on it.

Suddenly, he wasn't Detective Valens anymore. Instead, he was that young, scrappy, rookie cop charging impulsively into the first jewelry store he could think of…to buy a ring…to prove to the woman he loved that he was never leaving.

He sighed and smiled ruefully as he allowed the door to shut behind him and walked in, awkwardly, suddenly feeling strange and out of place. What the hell was he _doing_? Had he learned _nothing_ in the last twelve years of his life?

_Lil ain't Elisa,_ he realized as he became entangled in a thicket of memories. He'd loved both women, loved them both so fiercely he could barely see straight, and yet something was different. Elisa, he loved with a kid's love, a teenager's love, which, although no less real, no less powerful, was not the same way he loved Lilly. Elisa, he'd fallen in love with the first time he laid eyes on her, the first moment he'd seen her sitting on that porch step watching him play stickball. There had never been a question with them, they were simply Scotty, and Elisa, and then they were ScottyandElisa. Inseparable. All four years of high school, they were barely apart. It was ridiculous, really. Oh, sure, they argued from time to time, like all couples did, but they always made it work. Their friends had never seen anything like it, they'd said; it was like something out of a movie, and Scotty had wondered at the time how something so perfect could also be so easy.

And then it wasn't perfect. Or easy. Elisa started acting strangely, accusing him of cheating on her when nothing could be further from the truth. She'd started saying things that just didn't make sense, things that defied logic and reason. Their fights grew more frequent, more vicious, and then they started the on-again, off-again pattern. Scotty realized with certainty that, although his impulsive proposal was an attempt to save her, to prove to her that he'd never leave her…it was also some last-ditch effort on his part to capture the magic they'd lost. He figured that the diamond ring would smooth things over, would get them back together again, would prove his point, and they could sort out the whole…_marriage_…thing later. Months. Years. Whatever.

Elisa, however, had a different perspective. The day after Scotty proposed, she rounded up her mother, her sister, her aunt, two of her cousins, and three of her best girlfriends and gone dress shopping. Scotty had been utterly dumbfounded at that, but she'd been so enthusiastic that he couldn't help but get caught up in the whirlwind of plans. _Okay, _he'd reasoned. _You asked her, she said yes, it was gonna happen eventually, it's just…gonna happen sooner than you thought. It'll be great._

But as Elisa grew sicker and sicker, Scotty realized what he'd be signing up for if he did marry her. Marriage, to him, was the "happily ever after" end of a fairy tale; it was something that just happened, effortlessly, when all the stars and planets aligned just right, and everything would sort itself out naturally. Like it always had for them. But as Elisa's delusions became more frightening and Scotty became increasingly more determined to save her, yet more helpless than he'd ever felt in his life, he'd realized, one night, that his desire to marry the Elisa he was with now had all but disappeared. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Elisa from high school. Of course, that thought had repulsed him, had nearly made him sick to his stomach that he could be that selfish. Elisa was the love of his life, he reminded himself. He'd promised to be there for her, through thick and thin, and he couldn't break that promise. Ever. No matter what.

And Scotty realized, as he stood there in the doorway of that jewelry store, that he was about to make the same promise to Lilly. About to propose to the woman he loved to prove a point, to make it about him instead of about her. _Definition of an idiot, Valens, _he reminded himself. _Doin' the exact same thing in the exact same way and expectin' somethin' different._

Granted, Lilly wasn't Elisa, so he wouldn't be doing _exactly _the same thing…but it was still too close for comfort. He was older. He was wiser. He knew exactly what he'd be getting into with Lilly, and…she already knew he'd always be there for her. He'd reassured her of that time and time again, and, over the past few months, he'd sensed her starting to believe him. So he really didn't have anything to prove.

Besides, Ted's confession that afternoon, Scotty suddenly remembered…that had dealt with death. Not a breakup, or even divorce . Death. And that was something Scotty would fight tooth and nail until the bitter end, but, as much as he hated to admit it…he couldn't promise never to die on her. They were cops, for God's sake. That was a risk they all took every time they went to work. Granted, Homicide was less risky than the streets, but even working the cold jobs they'd had their fair share of standoffs and frightening doers. It wasn't the safest job in the world, and there were certainly no guarantees. He knew that. Lilly knew that.

But that, he realized with a rueful smile, that was what she'd been afraid of that afternoon. Of losing him to death. Not that he'd run off. _Valens, you dumbass. _His heart melted slightly, remembering just how terrified she'd looked, and he realized…he couldn't ask her to marry him to prove a point. There was no point to prove. She knew.

Besides, Lilly wasn't like Elisa. She hadn't been love at first sight, that was for damn sure. Oh, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't noticed her, but, up until that night in Nashville, there was never anything but friendly professionalism between them. Mostly. He supposed, looking back, that there were a few moments when he'd felt a brief hint of a current between him and Lilly that was definitely more than just partnerly, but he'd never put much stock in it. That night, though, that dark, horrible night when he'd threatened George, when he'd told that son of a bitch that, if he hurt Lilly, he'd murder him…he'd absolutely meant it. He hadn't realized how much she meant to him, and not just as a partner, until that night. And a year later, when she'd nearly thrown her career away over Joseph, when he went to her place for the first time…he couldn't even really remember what had happened, but there'd been a weird vibe, and he'd just been grateful to get out of there.

And then…there was Nashville. Scotty smiled at the memory of how beautiful Lilly was that night, how he'd found himself overwhelmed by an onslaught of feelings he'd never had for her before, how his knees had buckled the instant his lips touched hers. It was wrong, all sorts of wrong…and yet, there was something right about it, too. He supposed, looking back with the wisdom that came from the passage of time and the benefit of knowing how deeply and fervently he'd come to love her, that kissing Lilly just might have been in the back of his mind all along, since it took him all of about five minutes to do it when they were drunk and alone.

Scotty sighed with both happiness and frustration as he thought of the woman he loved. She was simultaneously much tougher than Elisa, yet fragile enough to break into a million pieces, more open, yet more closed-off. She wasn't putty in his hands like Elisa had been. With Elisa, Scotty knew he could screw up a thousand different ways, yet all he had to do was look at her just right, say the right words, and she'd melt. Proposing to her was the biggest example of that, he realized. He'd done it, at least in part, because he'd known it would work. But Lilly…Lilly was a beautiful enigma. A total mystery to him, even now, even after being her partner for four years and her boyfriend for almost one. He felt like he'd known her forever, felt like sometimes he could read her mind and understand her better than she understood herself…and yet, on occasion, he felt like he didn't know her at all. Sometimes, all he knew was that he loved her so much it was absolutely ridiculous.

But after the fiasco that had been his engagement to Elisa, Scotty suddenly decided, he needed to make damn sure _marriage _to Lilly was what he wanted. Not just some abstract "being there for her" concept, not that fabled effortless happy ending, not proving a point, but actual, honest to God _marriage. _The heart wants what it wants…but did his heart really know what it wanted?

_You got no business buyin' that ring until you know for sure, _he told himself firmly. Lilly deserved nothing less.

His reverie was interrupted by the arrival of Denise Sweden, who'd heard the jangling of the bells and stopped when she saw him.

"You come back to do some shopping, Detective?" she asked with a knowing twinkle in her eyes.

"Nah, not today," Scotty replied with a sheepish grin, then realized that he did, luckily enough, have a legitimate reason for being there. "It's about your dad…" he began.

* * *

The next few weeks seemed to fly by. They were kept busy at work with several important cases that seemed to pile up one on top of the other, so his mind was occupied with that, and when it wasn't puzzling over work, it was right back to obsessing over Lilly. Scotty continued to approach her like he approached the job, but that made him even more frustrated, because Lilly wasn't a case, dammit, she was the love of his life. That made her more important, and more confounding, than any case he'd ever seen. He was still confused, even more so than ever, because he knew what he wanted to do, but he also knew that, in order to do it right, he had to have a better reason than proving a point or winning an argument. He had to know why he wanted to marry her, so, when the time came and he had to fight her on it tooth and nail, had to convince her that marriage wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, he'd have a damn good reason other than "I wanna save you" or some other bullcrap like he'd had with Elisa.

On the surface, he and Lilly were as happy as ever, and when he was actually with her, his whirling thoughts stopped , for the most part, and he could be himself again, but he'd always been an open book, and Lilly had always been an ace detective. So he knew she was aware of his confusion, knew from the way she looked at him from time to time that she'd figured out that something was up, but she didn't seemed concerned by it, for which he was eternally grateful. She seemed…puzzled more than anything else. Like she didn't know what he was thinking about so hard, but she wasn't panicking, wasn't fretting, and she still hadn't asked him about it. For that, he was eternally grateful.

That Saturday afternoon, he met Vera at the gym for their weekly basketball game, thankful for the distraction. Scotty hadn't intended on that innocent little pick-up game becoming anything of a habit, especially not after he'd beaten Vera by 12 in their rematch, but Vera had merely pointed out that the series was tied, one game to one. And, being guys, they couldn't allow anything to remain a tie. Scotty found himself looking forward to those games; it was one of the few times he could count on not thinking about work, or the course of the rest of his life, or anything else deep and important. It was quite refreshing, really, to just run around and be a guy for a while.

It was on one such Saturday that Scotty and Vera had just finished their weekly pickup game and were gathering their gear and getting ready to head home.

"Kick ass," Scotty commented as he blotted his face and then draped the towel around his neck.

"Bite me," Vera replied with a glare.

"Dude, I only beat you by four this time," Scotty argued. "Helluva lot better than twelve...you're gettin' better," he added by way of semi-serious encouragement. "All that time with Andre must be payin' off."

Vera glared at Scotty again. "I liked it better when you went running before we played. You oughta start that up again," he retorted with a slight grin.

"Maybe I will," Scotty answered thoughtfully, giving some consideration to just heading for the park, cold weather be damned, and running until he got some answers. It was so crazy it just might work. Hell, nothing else had until this point.

Vera studied Scotty carefully. Something about his tone of voice, about the faraway look in his eyes, told Vera that his friend was about to revert back to the squirrely way he'd been behaving for the past month or so.

"You've been actin' weird lately," he observed. "Somethin' on your mind?"

"Nah," Scotty answered noncommittally, taking a swig of his Gatorade.

"You know you can't lie worth shit," Vera pointed out.

Scotty sighed, grinned ruefully, and just shrugged. Having not the foggiest idea how to articulate his thoughts even to himself at this point, he was a long way from being able to approach the subject with anyone else. Let alone Vera.

Vera chugged some Gatorade and waited for a few moments to see if Scotty really would talk, but it soon became clear that he wasn't in the mood.

"Well, if you ain't spillin' your guts, I gotta head home," he announced, screwing the top back onto the Gatorade bottle.

"Toni waitin' on ya?" Scotty asked jovially.

"Guess you might say that," Vera replied, grinning.

Scotty paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. "You and Toni…things gettin' serious with you two?" he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Vera hesitated, and to Scotty, it looked as though he were trying to figure out just how much information to share. "Serious…yeah," he finally confirmed.

Scotty searched Vera's eyes for a moment, seeing a happy spark that he couldn't recall ever seeing from him before.

"Dude," he finally realized. "You're in love with her."

Vera couldn't suppress his grin any longer, and that was all he needed to say.

"That's great, man," Scotty congratulated his friend, as the two exchanged a handshake. "How come you never said anything? You're bein' all secretive…that ain't like you."

"Valens," Vera began wisely. "There are women you brag about…and then there are women who are just too damn special for that."

Scotty was dumbfounded. "I've never seen you like this before," he said in amazement.

"Never been like this before," Vera replied matter-of-factly.

"So…what's so special about her?" Scotty asked, trying to figure out how the hell he'd been so absorbed in his own crap that he'd missed the fact that one of his best friends had fallen head-over-heels in love.

Vera paused for a moment, considering his words. "When I'm with her," he began slowly, "it kinda feels like I'm home."

"Well, that's prob'ly 'cause you _are _home," Scotty pointed out with a grin. "She lives in your building."

Vera just beamed, waved, and headed for the exit.

Though Scotty had initially joked about them, something about Vera's words resonated with him, and he pondered them all the way back to Lilly's place. _When I'm with her…it kinda feels like I'm home._

That's what was so special about Lilly, he realized. Four years of friendship had blossomed into a deep love, a love that was far more than just infatuation. It was a love that made them feel completely comfortable with each other, made them enjoy every moment they had together, whether they were doing anything special or not. That night they'd come back from New York, after having had a vicious fight about Christina, and just cuddled on Lilly's couch, with the cats…he'd had that feeling Vera talked about. He'd felt like he'd come home. Like he'd been on some really long journey, searching for something, he didn't know what…but when he was sitting there on the couch, watching the snow fall, his arm around Lilly, her head resting on his shoulder, he knew he'd found it.

_That's it,_ he realized. _That's the reason. That's why I wanna marry her. It's got nothin' to do with provin' her mother wrong, or makin' a point, or savin' her. It ain't about me, it's about her. It's 'cause I love her so damn much I can't see straight, and I wanna spend the rest of my life lovin' her, makin' her laugh, takin' care of her, and just bein' with her. _

Scotty almost laughed out loud at this. It was so shockingly simple. He had no idea what he'd been doing for the past few weeks, agonizing over it. He wanted to marry Lilly…because he loved her.

But, he decided, he wasn't going to ask right away. Nope. No impulsive proposals for him. He was gonna do it right this time. Actually pick out a ring, plan a special way to ask her, wait for just the right time…it had to be perfect. He was being given a second chance…and he wanted to make the most of it.

* * *

Lilly was sitting on the couch, absently scratching Olivia between the ears as she perused the case file, when she heard Scotty come in. She glanced up, smiling as he appeared in her doorway and dropped his keys on the table.

"Must have beaten him again," she commented with a smile as she noticed his broad grin and sparkling eyes. "You look happy."

"I did," Scotty replied. "But that ain't the reason."

As Lilly watched his every move, he crossed the room and sat down next to her. An adorably tempting little frown creased her brow for just a brief moment, and before she could say or do anything else, he slipped a hand under the curtain of her hair, pulled her close, and gave her the most reverent, love-filled kiss he'd ever given anyone in his life, then drew back and just gazed into her eyes for a moment, still grinning like an idiot as the confusion dissipated and certainty filled his soul.

Lilly was taken aback. Whatever he'd been stewing about, whatever he'd been mulling over in his head for the last few weeks, he seemed to have resolved. It was like he'd been out wandering around someplace, but now, he'd finally come home. She still didn't know what it was about, and frankly, she didn't care. It seemed he wasn't going to make her talk about her mother, wasn't going to revisit that god-awful afternoon, and that was really all that mattered.

"So what _is_ the reason?" she couldn't resist asking, running her fingers lightly up his arms.

Scotty sighed happily. "You," he replied, then came in for another kiss.

Lilly wrapped her arms around his neck as their kiss deepened, letting her fingers trail through his still-damp hair and toy with the sweat-soaked collar of his old, faded Eagles shirt as they broke apart.

"You need a shower, Valens," she announced, wrinkling her nose.

Scotty grinned once more and rose from the couch. "You joinin' me?" he asked, extending a hand to help her up.

Lilly beamed in response as she grabbed his hand. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," she replied.


	19. This Is No Laughing Matter

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I would like to own one of their sandwiches.**

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen: This Is No Laughing Matter**

Late Monday morning, the detectives were all on phone duty, trying to track down the sister of their latest murder victim. As Scotty ended yet another fruitless call, he glanced over at Lilly to see how she was faring. The irritated look in her blue eyes and the peevish way she brushed away a lock of hair that had escaped her ponytail told him she wasn't having much better luck than he was, but when she smiled over at him, Scotty felt his own frustration beginning to slip away as though it had never even been there. She always had that effect on him, he realized, even over the last few weeks when he'd been so lost in his thoughts that he didn't know whether he was coming or going most of the time. Now that he'd finally surfaced, he'd gained a newfound appreciation for just how wonderful Lilly was, and just how blissfully happy they were somehow able to make each other.

As he crossed off another name on his list, he watched her dial the next number on hers, her face considerably more relaxed than it had been mere seconds ago, and Scotty silently congratulated himself on the fact that just that brief glance seemed to have improved her mood. Not that it needed much improving, he realized…that weekend had been among the happiest they'd ever spent together, and the glow of the past two days had carried over.

As though reading his mind, Lilly tossed him another smile as she waited for the person on the other end to answer, twirling her pen back and forth between her fingers.

"Jackpot," Vera crowed triumphantly from his desk as he slammed the phone down.

"You find the sister?" Lilly asked, glancing up with interest as she lowered the phone and pressed the lever to end the call.

"I found the sister," Vera confirmed, tearing the page out of his notes and handing it to Kat, "and she's an actual sister, if you get my drift."

Kat scanned Vera's scribbled notes while the others exchanged curious glances.

"Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament?" she asked, frowning up at him.

"She's a nun," Vera announced with a grin.

"How 'bout that," Kat remarked, smiling proudly. "I'm finally learnin' your chicken scratches." Without waiting for a reply, she turned to Scotty. "Ready to go sweet-talk a nun?" she asked, gathering up her notes.

"Don't look at me," Scotty replied, shuddering involuntarily. "My suckin' up to nuns days are over."

Lilly tried, and tried hard, to choke back her giggles, but she just couldn't, and a brief sputter of laughter escaped her lips. She glanced up at Scotty, her eyes twinkling with mirth, to find him glaring back at her.

"What?" he retorted defensively.

"The way I hear it, you weren't in class enough to suck up," she replied casually, returning her eyes, and her pen, to the notes she'd been scribbling.

"Where'd you hear that?" Scotty asked innocently, knowing full well it was true, at least, for the one class he'd been able to get away with it…

"Mighta had coffee with Rosalia last week," Lilly mused, smiling wickedly at him.

"Oh, God," Scotty groaned. "I never shoulda introduced the two of you." Truth be told, even though he was fully aware that decades' worth of embarrassing stories about him were bound to come out, he was, in fact, grateful that the two had become friends.

"And, according to her, you had a particular fondness for missing history class," Lilly continued matter-of-factly as she flipped a page in her notes. "So did Elisa, for that matter," she added, sneaking another mischievous glance at Scotty.

"Nice," Vera replied, by way of congratulations. "What…you two found some closet to make out in or somethin'?"

Scotty turned his glare on Vera. "No," he answered unconvincingly.

Vera chortled his disbelief as a grin spread across Kat's face.

"So _that's _why we always gotta explain everything to you," she realized. "It all makes so much sense now."

"Hey," Scotty retorted. "Sister Mary Patrick was practically blind, and Elisa had a curfew." He glanced around, suddenly realizing how ridiculous it was to be defending his high school relationship to his colleagues twenty years after the fact. "Besides," he added. "I didn't think I'd need to know a lot about history, bein' a cop."

"Neither did I, to be fair," Jeffries piped up.

"Well, you don't need to _know_ history, man, you _lived_ it," Vera replied. Jeffries shot him a dark look, but said nothing.

"Anyway," Vera continued. "Scotty's off the hook with the nuns."

Scotty breathed a sigh of relief. Very little in life scared him, but nuns, despite the years that separated him and his childhood, were near the top of the list.

"You just feelin' generous today?" Jeffries asked with a broad grin.

"Nope," Vera replied, smirking triumphantly. "We're _all _off the hook."

Lilly glanced up in surprise. "How can we be off the hook? This is the victim's sister," she reminded them.

"Oh, _you_ ain't off the hook," Vera corrected, turning his smirk in Lilly's direction. "Sister Mary Alice is the headmaster of a Catholic girls' school, and one of her vows is to avoid temptation by never so much as even _talking _to a man."

"Still don't see how that rules you out," Kat muttered, shooting a wicked glance at Vera.

"Snark all you want," Vera replied, his grin still firmly in place. "But if any of us are gonna get anything outta that nun, _the victim's sister,_" he added pointedly, glancing at Lilly, "it's gonna be you two."

"We're cops," Jeffries argued. "Doesn't that carry any weight at all?"

Vera grinned even more broadly. "It would have… if I'd neglected to mention that two of our finest Homicide detectives are of the feminine persuasion."

Lilly glanced over at Kat with a smile. "Well, _I_ don't have a problem with nuns…do you?"

"Not a one," Kat replied, rising from her desk and gathering her things.

"Just be careful," Vera called after them as they reached the doorway.

"Why's that?" Kat asked, turning back to face him.

"Make sure Rush doesn't come back in one of those Catholic school uniforms," Vera instructed teasingly. "She does, we lose Valens forever."

Scotty glared at Vera, then glanced over at Lilly and found her looking back at him, a delicate brow arched teasingly, a dazzling smile spreading its way across her features.

"Really?" she asked, then tossed him an inescapably mischievous wink.

It was the wink that did it. Suddenly, Scotty found his mind overwhelmed with a previously unimagined, yet decidedly welcome, mental image, and he shivered involuntarily despite the sudden heat in the room. Aware of his colleagues' eyes on him, he tore his gaze from Lilly and attempted to bury himself in paperwork, clearing his throat uncomfortably as he did so.

That brief little shiver was all the encouragement Lilly needed. "_Well_, then," she replied flirtatiously, her smile growing more dazzling by the second.

Kat glanced from her partner to Lilly back to her partner, then rolled her eyes.

"Oh, _God_," she exclaimed in disgust. "Rush comes back in a uniform, I'm comin' back dressed as a nun," she declared, causing Scotty to shiver again, this time for an entirely different reason. _Miller?_ As a _nun_? If he didn't chase that picture away, he'd have nightmares about it for weeks.

Satisfied that she'd successfully poured cold water on yet another office fire, Kat turned and headed out, and Lilly, after one more cautiously flirtatious glance at Scotty, followed her out.

Honestly, Lilly didn't know quite what had gotten into her back there; usually Scotty was the one flirting with her openly in the office, and she was the one scolding him to keep it professional, but, after having him buried in whatever he'd been thinking about so hard for weeks on end, she was just glad to have him back, and she supposed that was bleeding over and causing her to throw caution to the wind. That weekend, that glorious weekend that had spread its sunshine all the way through to Monday morning, had made Lilly realize just how much she'd missed Scotty when he wasn't entirely with her. Not that they hadn't had fun the past few weeks, but, now…the difference was obvious. His eyes were sparkling again, he was joking around more than ever before, he was flashing her that grin practically every second…clearly, Scotty was deliriously happy about something, and Lilly didn't know exactly what, but she knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. Happiness came so rarely for her…she wasn't about to do anything to derail it this time.

"So…Valens really afraid of nuns?" Kat asked, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"Looks that way," Lilly replied noncommittally. "He shudders like that every time someone mentions 'em."

"Well, we all got our quirks," Kat replied, smiling slightly. "I hear Vera's afraid of snakes."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the office, Scotty had realized, suddenly, that one of the nearly impossible tasks he'd thought was ahead of him had been taken care of almost by magic, and he needed to make the most of it. He wasn't sure how long Lilly would be gone, but he didn't get much time without her these days, and, with what he had in mind, he needed her far, far away. Now, if he could just figure out how to get rid of the other two.

Lost in happy, yet anxious thoughts, Scotty tapped his pen incessantly against the desk, and finally Vera laughed aloud.

"What?" Scotty asked, shooting a warning glance at his colleague.

"You're still picturin' it, aren't you?" Vera replied gleefully.

Well, he _hadn't _been…not until Vera reminded him.

"No," Scotty insisted.

"Liar," Vera rejoined.

"Well…you're picturin' Toni," Scotty retorted with confidence.

"Nope," Vera replied. He was definitely, _definitely _not picturing Toni.

"Liar," Scotty shot back with a grin.

Jeffries glanced between his two younger colleagues, suddenly tired of their high school locker room banter. _Puppies, _he thought with a sigh, then rose from his desk.

"It's lunchtime," he announced. "Who's in?"

"I'll never say no to lunch," Vera answered, rising from his desk and grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair. "You comin', Scotty?"

Scotty resisted the urge to pump a fist in celebration. Boss was out having a long lunch with his daughter, and if he could get rid of the others, he had a brief, shining, window of opportunity.

"Bring me somethin' back, will ya?" he asked, without looking up. "I gotta finish this report."

"Suit yourself," Vera replied, leaving with Jeffries.

The moment they were gone, Scotty hurried to the hallway to make sure they were really and truly leaving, that none of them had forgotten anything back in the office, then sighed with both relief and nervousness as he returned to the squad room. Everyone was gone, and now was his chance. Oh, the room wasn't empty, but, being lunchtime, it was more so than normal, and besides, none of the other detectives who constantly milled about the office never seemed to pay much attention to their squad, so he doubted anyone would be the slightest bit interested in what one lone detective was doing on his computer.

Sighing once more, Scotty sat down at the computer and jiggled the mouse to disengage the screen saver, but realized, in a flash, that he hadn't the faintest idea where to start looking in the vast cyberuniverse. Now that the moment was here, now that he finally had some time alone, he realized, too late, that he hated shopping of any kind, whether it was in a store or online, and, consequently, he had no clue how to go about properly selecting much of anything, let alone something as vitally important to the course of the rest of his life as Lilly's engagement ring. But, he'd heard that the best-quality diamonds were on the Internet, at least, that's what Rosalia had told him, flashing her diamond-studded engagement ring as proof. Besides, shopping for a ring anonymously, online, was a whole lot less intimidating than going to a jewelry store. All those pushy salespeople, the cloying scent of potpourri everywhere, the inescapable stuffiness…the thought made him shudder again.

So the Internet it was. That is, if he could get past his current exceedingly productive phase, which was staring blankly at the screen, as though all the characters on it were suddenly written in Swahili. Where the hell would he even begin to look?

The thought hit him like a freight train. When in doubt, Google it. Hell, it'd helped them with cases, so…why not this? Chuckling wryly, he found the search engine and began to type. _It's a miracle you made Homicide, Valens._

Within moments, he had a plethora of diamond sites assaulting his unprepared eyes, each more brilliant and sparkling than the last. The websites all bragged about the all-important Four C's, and Scotty found himself more and more confused by the various options each site had. He couldn't for the life of him figure out the rating system, and the longer he tried, the more frustrated he got. And he hadn't even begun to try to determine the difference between brilliant cut and princess cut, Emerald and Asscher…so friggin' many choices it made his head spin.

He sighed in irritation as he scrolled through yet another site. It hadn't been this complicated back when he'd proposed to Elisa; he'd just grabbed the first ring he saw that looked like he might be able to afford it on his meager rookie salary. But this…this was different. He wasn't a kid anymore, and he wasn't proposing to Elisa…he was proposing to Lilly.

Elisa, even after all the ups and downs and the fights, had been natural. Automatic. Assumed. He knew she'd agree to marry him with very little effort, because that was what they'd been talking about, and dreaming about, since high school. It was practically expected of them. But Lilly…Lilly he firmly expected to have to talk into the idea. He wasn't at all sure how he'd go about doing that, at least not yet, but he knew that a kickass ring was an essential part of the equation.

And so he clicked on ring after ring, site after site, for what seemed like hours. So engrossed was he in his mission that he didn't even hear Vera return to the office. However, when a wrapped sandwich flew through the air and landed on his desk, Scotty jumped in surprise, then hastily began to minimize the open windows on the computer.

The familiar aroma of his parents' deli filled the air as Scotty glanced up just in time to see Vera take a bite of his sandwich.

"Your mom sent that for ya," Vera said, gesturing to the sandwich on Scotty's desk. "Says you don't eat enough. I told her about all the donuts, but…"

He expected some sort of witty retort from his colleague, but Scotty was clearly obsessed with whatever he was doing on the computer, so, taking another bite of his sandwich, Vera came around the corner to investigate and saw Scotty frantically minimizing browser windows.

Vera chuckled. "C'mon, Valens, you know the rules," he managed, around his mouthful. "You don't have to hide the porn when the chicks are gone."

Scotty laughed, grateful for the diversion and the fact that his head had, for the moment, stopped spinning. "Dude, you and I both know you're the only reason they had to make that rule."

"_Was_," Vera corrected. "Not anymore."

Scotty arched his eyebrows quizzically. "Workin' out…no more porn….man, Toni's really doin' a number on you."

"Worth it," Vera shrugged, then leaned over Scotty's shoulder.

"So what're you so obsessed with, if it ain't porn?" he asked rhetorically, and Scotty was too stunned to even move, which allowed Vera the opportunity he needed to grab the mouse from his colleague's hand and maximize a couple of the windows.

_Dammit, _Scotty griped inwardly. "No…don't touch that…" he protested weakly, but his resistance was futile.

Vera paused, mid-chew, completely dumbfounded. "Diamonds 'R' Us? Sparkle In Her Eyes? _The Yes Factory?" _He turned to stare at Scotty in complete and utter disbelief. "What the hell, man?"

Scotty just smiled, almost sheepishly, at Vera.

"Just…lookin'," he answered softly, grabbing the mouse back and minimizing the windows again in hopes of avoiding further interrogation.

The wheels in Vera's head were rotating so rapidly he could almost hear them whirring. Scotty Valens was perusing jewelry websites, and all the pages were open to engagement rings. _Engagement rings? Valens…and…?_

"Dude," Vera sputtered, eyes wide in amazement. "You're…shoppin' for…? Oh, no way. No way in _hell_, man. No way…you're gonna…? To Lil…? With a…?"

As he turned his chair around to face his colleague and laced his arms behind his head, Scotty couldn't help but chuckle with a touch of triumph as he realized that he had stunned Nick Vera speechless, something which happened only rarely. _Better savor the moment, Valens._

"Thought I might," Scotty replied, gaining confidence with each passing second Vera stood with his mouth hanging open, but no sound coming out.

Still completely flabbergasted, Vera scrutinized his colleague, searching his expression for any trace, any at all, that Valens might be pulling his leg.

He found absolutely none.

"You're…serious," Vera concluded softly, though his voice was still laced with shock. "Like…diamond ring, marriage license, whole family in front of a flowery church with a priest…serious."

"Yeah," Scotty replied with a grin.

"About Lil," Vera continued, still searching Scotty's eyes. If this was a joke, it was a damn good one.

"Yeah," Scotty repeated. He tried to hide his smile, oh, Lord, did he try, but that proved as futile as resisting Vera's grabby hands had been.

That smile chased away the last of Vera's skepticism, and he blew out a breath and peeled back the wrapper of his sandwich as he tried to absorb the bombshell he'd received.

"_Damn,_" he finally exclaimed. "You're makin' me look bad."

"Wait…what?" Scotty replied, his brow creasing in utter mystification.

"Nothin'," Vera muttered quickly, and before Scotty could pounce on the obvious question, he hastily took another bite of his sandwich, then turned back to the computer and maximized a couple of the windows again, scrolling through the plethora of choices. Valens had indeed been shopping, Vera realized…the man had clicked on practically every diamond site the Web had to offer. Or so Vera hoped. The idea that there might be even more made his head start to spin.

"So…which one do you think Rush'll like?" he asked, glancing through the options on the top page.

Scotty froze. That really was the question of the hour, wasn't it?

"Well….I'm just…kinda lookin', really…tryin' to see what's out there, y'know…" he trailed off, his smile fading as the frustration resurfaced. Vera was wasting valuable time. Lilly and Miller wouldn't be gone forever, and who knew when he'd get another opportunity like this?

Vera met Scotty's eyes once more. "You got no idea what you're doin', do you?" he realized suddenly, the trace of a grin beginning to tug at the corners of his mouth.

Scotty sighed in defeat and frustration. "No," he admitted angrily, shoving his chair back from the desk. "These damn Four C's…all the gem ratings and certifications and cuts and all that shit…it's makin' me cross-eyed."

Vera stared at Scotty curiously. "Ain't you done this before?" he reminded his colleague.

Scotty glanced up and shrugged. "Well, yeah…a long time ago," he admitted.

"So," Vera continued. "Surely you remember somethin' about rings…"

Scotty sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. "That was different…with Elisa, I was fresh outta academy, flat broke, and just bought the first ring that looked like I might have a chance in hell at affordin' it. I didn't even think about cut or carat or any of that crap…I just kinda grabbed one."

Vera merely stared at Scotty, then shook his head slightly. "Scotty, Scotty, Scotty…" he began, then took another bite of his sandwich.

"Look, man," Scotty argued defensively. "I was kinda pissed at her, and I needed to make a point."

Vera chortled incredulously. "You asked Elisa to marry you to make a point?"

Scotty attempted to silence Vera's laughter with a glare, the way Lilly always managed to do with him, but, much to his chagrin, Vera saw his glower and only laughed harder.

"Well, look," Scotty began, stuffing the rising anger down before it could boil over and cause him to say something he'd regret, "She was…and I was…and she…just…never mind. We were kids, okay? And…you just kinda had to be there."

"Apparently, that's all it took for her," Vera hooted.

Scotty glared at him once more. "You're kinda startin' to piss me off," he warned through clenched teeth.

Vera wiped tears of helpless laughter out of his eyes. "What're you gonna do about it, propose to me, too?"

Scotty opened his mouth to allow the torrent of rage to pour forth, but to his shock, it had all but evaporated at Vera's asinine comment. It was just outrageous enough to put into perspective the youthful folly of proposing to Elisa to win an argument, and finally, Scotty couldn't help but chuckle along.

"Are you gonna help me with this, or not?" he asked Vera, when his colleague had regained his composure enough to take another bite of his sandwich.

"Sure," Vera shrugged. "Whaddaya need to know?"

"Well, you could start by explainin' these damn Four C's," Scotty griped, his frustration returning in full force the moment he glanced at that monitor. _It can't be this hard…you're a Homicide detective, for God's sake…_

Vera leaned over Scotty's shoulder once more and clicked around the site. "Well, one of 'em stands for Clarity…which is kinda…how clear it is…and clear…clear is good," he concluded, nodding confidently.

Scotty turned to look at Vera in disbelief. "You got no idea what you're doin', either," he observed, that realization bringing some measure of relief. At least he wasn't the only dumbass on the planet who had no idea how to shop for an engagement ring.

Vera didn't answer, merely scowled, sipped his Coke, and continued perusing the website.

Suddenly, Vera whirled around to face Scotty. "Forget this ring crap…y'know what'll really tell Lil you love her?" he asked.

"What?" Scotty replied warily.

"Engagement Sixers tickets," Vera announced with a proud grin.

"Engagement…_what_…?" Scotty asked blankly. "What the hell, man? Lil doesn't even like sports…she thinks the Sixers play hockey. Are you outta your mind?" he continued, staring at Vera in utter disbelief.

"No, I'm dead serious," Vera answered excitedly. "You love the Sixers, right?"

"Well, yeah," Scotty replied, a tad insulted that Vera even had to ask.

"Loved 'em your whole life, right?" he continued.

"Since I was seven, and my Uncle Manny took me to a game," Scotty answered.

"My love affair with the Sixers started when I was eight," Vera reminisced fondly. "It was a dark, cold night, and I was…"

"Look, man, you're lucky I'm even entertainin' this stupid-ass notion of yours," Scotty interrupted, folding his arms across his chest and arching a brow at his colleague. "Do you even have a point?"

"Yes," Vera replied, gesturing with his sandwich for emphasis, "and it's brilliant. My point is, there's no love like the love a man has for his team. Those damn Sixers could cut every good player they have, hire Bozo the Clown as their coach, and reel off seventeen straight losin' seasons, and we'd still cheer our hearts out for 'em, right?"

"Of course," Scotty replied.

"So what better way to tell a woman that you'll be there for her through thick and thin, even when she lets herself go and gets real fat and starts wearin' sweats and watchin' soaps all the time, you'll still love her…than gettin' her tickets for the team you love like you're promisin' to love her?" Vera finished proudly. "Whaddaya think?"

Scotty could only stare. As bizarre, unconventional, and unromantic as this was, Nick Vera had a point. His logic was infallible. A man who could love a basketball team through thick and thin could surely love a woman like that…

Suddenly, he felt like slapping himself silly. _Are you actually considerin' this stupid-ass idea? With Lilly Rush? It's a wonder she even talks to you, Valens._

"What'd you do, get Julie's ring out of a Cracker Jack box?" Scotty asked Vera, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

Vera, who had been on the verge of chortling triumphantly at the idea that Scotty Valens, Mr. Casanova himself, might actually be entertaining the notion of giving Lilly Rush Sixers tickets, was caught off-guard to the extent that all he could do was stare.

Vera's silence told Scotty all he needed to know. "Julie never even had a ring, did she?" he realized.

This question was met by more silence, and Vera refused to meet his eyes.

Scotty chuckled. "Dude, how the hell did you _ever _get married?" he asked.

Vera was silent again for a few seconds. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and sheepish. "She…kinda asked me," he admitted.

Scotty stared at Vera incredulously. "She…asked…you?" he repeated.

"Yeah," Vera replied reluctantly.

"I don't get it, man," Scotty said slowly, shaking his head. "How the hell is that I've been engaged…had Elisa wearin' my ring and promisin' to marry me…actually got down on my goddamn knee for her…and I'm about to do it again with Lil…and _you… _Julie had to ask _you? _And yet you were married for over a decade? I just don't get it," he repeated.

Vera took another bite of his sandwich and shrugged. "Well, Julie wasn't a head case."

Scotty stared, open-mouthed, at Vera. He could not _believe _Vera had gone there. Not in a million years. He had no right…_nobody_ had any right…Scotty could feel the rage rising, and clenched his fist under the table.

Vera stole a glance at Scotty and instantly recognized the familiar coiled-rattlesnake routine. Hastily, he moved to put out the fire.

"Look, man," he explained calmly, "all I'm sayin' is that if Elisa hadn't gotten sick, you'd prob'ly be married to her right now, wouldn't you?"

Scotty felt the rage subside, at least for the moment. "Yeah, prob'ly," he admitted. It had been some years since he allowed himself to think about the future he and Elisa had planned together, especially now that he had a different future, a bright, wonderful future, planned with Lilly…but now that Vera had forced the issue, he realized that, yes, had Elisa not gotten sick, they probably would, for better or for worse, be married. For the first time, Scotty discovered that the thought no longer brought the searing pain it once had, that pain being the very reason he'd stopped allowing himself to think about those things in the first place. In its place was a quiet nostalgia, with just a bare hint of melancholy. He wasn't that starry-eyed kid anymore, that was for sure.

Vera, oblivious to Scotty's inner musings, continued. "Hell, you and Elisa'd prob'ly have, like, six or seven outrageously adorable kids by now."

Scotty cracked a smile. "Maybe," he admitted with a shrug. Elisa had always wanted seven, though there was no way in hell Vera could know that.

"So quit actin' like it's all your fault you never got hitched," Vera said simply, around the last bite of his sandwich, and Scotty, once more, could only stop and stare. It had been some time since he'd been blindsided by the wisdom of Nick Vera. It didn't come often, but when it did, it always knocked Scotty back, almost physically, with the sheer force of its brilliance.

As though he knew exactly what was going through Scotty's mind, Vera tossed him a triumphant grin at the same time he wadded up the wrapper from his lunch into a ball and launched it toward the trash can. It hit the rim, then bounced off and skittered underneath a desk.

"Good thing you don't play for the Sixers," Scotty commented jovially. "They really would reel off seventeen losing seasons in a row."

"Oh, bite me," Vera grumbled. "I kicked your ass that one time."

Scotty sighed, rolled his eyes, and rattled off the qualifiers as he ticked them off on his fingers. "Four points, two overtimes, three miles on the treadmill…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Vera replied. "I only beat you 'cause you ran the friggin' Boston Marathon. I'm kickin' your candy ass this Saturday, though."

"Uh-huh," Scotty agreed sarcastically. "You do that."

Jeffries came in just then, finishing off the last couple bites of his sandwich.

"Got sidetracked in the lobby," he explained. "But your parents send their best. And Eduardo says to tell you to bring extra cash, 'cause he's wipin' the floor with you at poker next week."

Scotty smiled in response. "He wishes," he replied.

"What're you guys up to?" Jeffries asked as he sidled up to them. "Somethin' new on the case?"

"Valens is shoppin' for engagement rings," Vera announced gleefully.

"Dammit, Nick," Scotty griped as he glowered at Vera once more. "You gotta tell the whole squad?"

"Oh, quit whinin'," Vera retorted. "Will was the one who told me you were a total space cadet at the jewelry store a while back, but I didn't think it meant anything until I saw those websites."

"Websites," Jeffries echoed with interest, smiling at both the realization that Scotty truly was serious about this getting married business, and also at the stunned stare coming from his colleague's dark eyes.

"Well, have you found anything good?" he asked, strolling over and taking a peek over Scotty's shoulder. He grabbed the mouse, and Scotty flung himself back in his chair. He'd known doing this at work would be a mistake, but spending every night with Lil meant he didn't exactly have time to do it outside of work, either. With a reluctant sigh, Scotty surrendered to the idea that Vera and Jeffries would be at least partially involved in selecting Lilly's engagement ring. If she'd even accept it. Scotty wasn't sure, but he shoved his doubts away as Jeffries turned to him in disbelief.

"Diamonds R Us?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, so?" Scotty muttered, still glowering.

Jeffries sighed. "Never, _ever _buy from someplace that can't spell correctly. If they can't be bothered with two extra letters, do you really want to trust them with something like this?" he asked.

Without waiting for a reply, Jeffries dismissed each site Scotty had found. "Overpriced…bad selection…poor quality…overpriced…bad service…" he mused as he closed every window one by one.

"So…should I just go to a jewelry store or what?" Scotty asked. "Grab the first one I see? It worked last time…helluva lot easier…"

Jeffries chuckled gently. "No, man…here's what you do." He leaned over Scotty and typed in a website.

"What's this?" Scotty asked.

"Website run by a friend of mine," Jeffries explained with a smile. "You pick a diamond, and then you tell him about the woman you love, and he designs a ring for you. He'll send pictures before he makes it, of course, so if you don't like it, he can make changes…but I've never seen a ring from him that wasn't stunning."

Scotty's eyes lit with interest. "So…all I gotta do is pick a diamond, and tell him about Lil…and he does the rest?"

"Yes indeed," Jeffries replied proudly. "You shoulda seen the ring he made my wife."

"And…kinda affordable?" Scotty asked hopefully.

Jeffries chuckled. "I was a rookie when I got engaged," he said fondly. "Made even less back then than they do now."

"Well, sign me up," Scotty said. A custom-designed ring was definitely far superior to just grabbing one at random. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all. He smiled wryly at the memory of his youthful audacity. He really had been something of a bonehead way back then…

"So…all you gotta do is pick a diamond," Jeffries repeated, and Scotty felt a knot forming in the pit of his stomach as he realized that he was right back where he started.

Jeffries peered into Scotty's eyes. "You don't have any idea what you're doin', do you?" he asked kindly.

"Told you you shoulda gotten her Sixers tickets," Vera piped up, and Scotty shot him a glare.

Jeffries looked at Vera in horror. "_Sixers tickets_?" he repeated. "Man, how the hell did you ever get married?"

Scotty rolled his eyes and finally reached for the sandwich his parents had sent along with his colleauges. "Don't ask," he muttered in reply.

Jeffries smiled broadly, shook his head, then pulled up a chair next to Scotty and took a sip of his Coke. "So…lemme tell you about the Four C's…" he began, and the next few minutes were filled with delectable sandwiches, fading frustration, and a detailed, yet easily understood, description of how to select a quality diamond.

So absorbed were Scotty and Jeffries in their task that they didn't notice that Vera had crept up behind them and was also paying very close attention.


	20. Heart Shaped Box

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters except the sultry little Latin number that comes looking for Scotty.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty: Heart-Shaped Box**

Three weeks later, everything had been taken care of. The ring had been ordered, paid for, and shipped to Rosalia's place, where it would be arriving any day now. Scotty had figured that, despite the fact that she was the one who'd spilled the beans about Lilly to his family in the first place, that Rosalia's house would be the safest. His apartment was out for obvious reasons, as was work, and his mother's place was out simply because he knew she'd ask a million questions, questions he didn't feel like answering at the moment. So, Rosalia's place it was. He just hoped to God she'd know to keep quiet about something as important as this.

_You're doin' it right this time, Valens_, Scotty congratulated himself yet again as he and Kat scribbled their way through another interview report. He'd taken care of everything this time around. He'd found a great ring, had a perfect plan for having it delivered…everything was falling into place beautifully…

"Hey, Valens," Vera announced excitedly as he came into the squad room. "There's some chick here lookin' for you. _Hot_."

"Lil's out on an interview," Scotty replied with a grin. "That's the only hot chick I know who'd be lookin' for me."

"No, man," Vera went on. "This one's _way_ hotter than Lil."

Scotty bristled slightly. "That's a matter of opinion," he declared.

"Whatever," Vera continued urgently, oblivious to the fact that Kat had paused in her paperwork and was arching a brow at him. "We're talkin', like…sultry little Latin number hot. It ain't too late for you, y'know," he teased, grinning slightly.

_Sultry little…what? _

"She say what she wanted?" Scotty asked, frantically searching his notes for any reference to anyone connected with their current case who might possibly fit that description.

"She wants to know why she's gettin' your mail," a very, very familiar voice piped up, and Scotty glanced toward the doorway to see Rosalia, one hand on her hip, the other hand holding a plain brown cardboard box. _Thank God Lil's out on an interview, _he thought, after a panicked glance around the squad room just to make sure.

"Told ya she was hot," Vera muttered, trying in vain to hide the fact that he was still ogling Rosalia.

"Knock it off," Scotty ordered, with a brief glare at Vera. "She's Elisa's cousin. She's like my sister, man. And she's married, with two kids. Besides…you're with Toni."

"Hey, two kids or not, she's still--ow!" Vera exclaimed, as Kat, who had, until this point, remained silent, smacked him upside the head on her way to the kitchen for a coffee refill.

"What was that for?" he demanded, rubbing the back of his head with a rueful grin.

"It's what that girlfriend of yours would do if she were here," Kat replied with a self-satisfied smile. She nodded to Rosalia in passing, and the two exchanged a high-five as Kat headed into the kitchen.

Scotty rolled his eyes. That would be just what he needed, his partner and his almost-older-sister…_bonding._ The very thought made him shudder.

"C'mon," he said, crossing the room and gently taking Rosalia by the elbow. "Let's take this somewhere private."

"Nice meetin' you," she called over her shoulder with a jokingly flirtatious wink at Vera. All he could do was stare.

"So you're tellin' me some woman actually puts up with him?" Rosalia asked incredulously, as Scotty pushed open the door to the interview room.

"He's…got his good side," Scotty replied diplomatically, closing the door softly behind them.

"So," Rosalia began, turning to face Scotty and studying him carefully. "What the hell is so secret that you're havin' it sent to my place?" she asked, waving the box under his nose, but successfully dodging his attempts to grab it. "And if it's some freaky sex toy, I swear to God I'll--"

"Crap," Scotty burst out suddenly, abandoning all efforts to snatch the ring in favor of smacking himself in the forehead. He'd covered all his bases, done everything he needed to do…

…except tell Rosalia the ring was headed her way. _Dammit. _He _knew _he'd forgotten something.

"Good God, Valens," Rosalia exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock and disgust as she misinterpreted his reaction. "There are _children _in my house."

"No," Scotty corrected hastily. "No. It…it ain't that. Promise."

"Then what _is_ it?" she demanded again, her dark eyes shimmering with curiosity as she hid the ring behind her back.

"It's, uh…somethin'…sparkly." Scotty answered with a hopeful grin, diving for the ring yet again. "For Lil."

Rosalia giggled and stepped back, still hiding the ring. "Sparkly? Like…I forgot your birthday sparkly, or…oh, my God," she froze and trailed off, her mouth forming an O of surprise as she realized what, exactly, was in that box.

"I only forgot Elisa's birthday _once_," Scotty retorted defensively, "and, besides, it's the other kinda sparkly." He folded his arms across his chest and grinned proudly.

Rosalia clapped her free hand over her mouth and squealed in delight. "Oh, my God!" she exclaimed, launching herself into the arms of a surprised Scotty. "You're actually gonna…oh, my God, Scotty, that's so _great_!"

Scotty returned her embrace, then took advantage of her distracted state to reach behind him and gently remove the box from Rosalia's hands.

"Lemme see it," she demanded eagerly, beaming up at him as she pulled away. Scotty shot her a grin and fumbled with the wrapping, his efforts helped not at all by the fact that his hands were suddenly shaking almost uncontrollably.

"Hurry _up_, Valens," Rosalia ordered impatiently, practically jumping up and down in her excitement. Scotty grinned at her again, and finally, he'd removed the wrapping, sliced through the packing tape with his pocketknife, and was digging through the packing peanuts to reveal a small, black velvet box shaped like a heart. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that this was all becoming very, very, real, that he held in his hand the very ring that he hoped would...

"Open it, for God's sake," Rosalia interrupted his thoughts.

"Gimme a minute," he insisted. "This is important."

"Whatever," Rosalia retorted. "I'm _aging _here."

Scotty couldn't help but chuckle, then, after taking another moment and blowing out a breath, he popped the box open.

The ring was absolutely gorgeous. White gold, with a beautifully sparkling diamond in the middle, framed on either side by sapphires of an unusual shade that Scotty instantly recognized as the exact color of Lilly's eyes. He'd sent Jeffries' friend the jeweler a picture of Lil, but he figured it was just so he could get a grasp of the woman for whom he was designing the ring. Scotty had no idea the man would match the gems to Lilly's eyes.

The stones themselves were surrounded by delicate ornamentation, the complete package simple, yet stunning, not too fancy or fussy, yet still special…it was just …_perfect, _and all Scotty could do was stare helplessly. He'd seen pictures over the course of the last few days, but they were absolutely nothing compared to the real thing. One thing was for sure, Scotty realized: he owed Will Jeffries. Big-time.

Rosalia gasped quietly as she peered at the ring, then wrapped an arm around Scotty's waist and squeezed him affectionately. "Oh, Lilly's gonna love it," she proclaimed.

"Hope so," Scotty replied, still staring at the ring, almost in a trance.

"You ain't mad at her, are you?" Rosalia asked suddenly, and Scotty finally tore his gaze from the ring to meet his friend's eyes.

"What?" he asked in disbelief.

"This ain't about you provin' some I'm The Alpha Male point like it was last time, is it?" she reminded him, arching a brow.

"No," Scotty insisted.

"'Cause last time…" Rosalia began, then chuckled softly as she flipped a lock of her hair behind her shoulder, "she hadn't talked to you for months, she's callin' me every day tellin' me what a jackass you are, and the next thing I know, she's haulin' my ass outta bed at six in the mornin' to go dress shoppin'," she reminisced. "That girl musta tried on nine hundred dresses that day."

"Hey," Scotty protested with a grin. "That ain't my fault. I wanted to go to Vegas."

"Vegas, my ass," Rosalia retorted with a giggle. _"You_ wanted to wait until you were forty."

Scotty glanced down at the ring again. "Well, I almost made it," he answered softly, suddenly lost in a thicket of memories.

Rosalia was silent for a few moments, and when Scotty finally glanced up, he noticed that her eyes had misted over with tears.

"I miss her," she said simply, her voice wavering slightly.

"Yeah," Scotty agreed huskily. "Yeah…me, too."

Rosalia sniffled, and Scotty wrapped an arm around her as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue she'd pulled from her purse. "Hormones," she muttered. "_Damn_ that time of the month."

Scotty chuckled, then gazed down at Lilly's ring again. All those things he dreamed of, all those wild imaginings he hardly dared hope for, the life with Lil, the house, the kids, spending every night with her wrapped in his arms and waking up each morning to her dazzling smile…all those were contained in that shimmering little concoction of gold and gemstones. As he stared at the ring, he felt like he could almost see their future, almost see the two of them walking through life hand in hand, fighting whatever obstacles they had to face…together.

"So…this ain't about provin' anything, is it?" Rosalia realized as she watched the myriad of emotions flicker across his face. She could almost read his mind, she knew him so well, and the look on his face proved, without a doubt, before he even said anything, that this time was completely different.

"No," Scotty replied softly as he glanced up, his eyes earnest, yet full of a quiet confidence. "It's about how unbelievable Lil is, and how I love her so much I can't see straight, and how I wanna be by her side for the rest of our lives, whatever that's gonna look like."

Rosalia's eyes filled with tears once more. "Dammit, Valens," she exclaimed, reaching for her tissue. "You're makin' me cry again."

"That good, huh?" Scotty replied with a cocky grin as he snapped the ring box closed and stuffed it into his pocket. Rosalia responded by socking him lightly in the shoulder, and his grin only widened. She blew her nose softly, then looked up at him.

"What?" he asked her, suddenly alarmed by the expression in her dark eyes.

Rosalia sniffled again and looked away. "I always thought me and you were really gonna be…y'know…family," she said softly, and Scotty was dumbfounded. Insecurity? From _Rosalia_? _Those hormones must be a real bitch_, he decided, and was immensely grateful he wasn't a girl.

Closing the gap between then, he wrapped Rosalia in his arms as the tears slipped from her eyes. "Hey," he whispered against her hair. "Me and you? We're always gonna be family, okay? _Always_. No matter what."

Rosalia nodded and wiped her eyes.

''Cause I've figured out I need a nosy, bossy, older sister in my life," Scotty added, his voice suddenly playful.

Rosalia grinned up at him. "And, I, apparently, need a pain in the ass little brother. Don't got a clue why, but…I do."

"Besides," Scotty added as they pulled apart, and he started to gather up the remnants of the cardboard shipping container. "Lil kinda needs a sister, too."

"Yeah," Rosalia agreed as she stashed her tissue back in her purse. "'Cause you really screwed the pooch with the last one."

Scotty's head snapped up, and he blinked in surprise. "You…know about that?" he asked sheepishly.

Rosalia just stared at him, smiling broadly and placing a hand on her hip. "C'mon, Valens…when are you gonna realize that I know everything?" she asked.

It was in that moment that Scotty prayed that Rosalia and Kat would never, ever have a conversation. _Ever_. It would be the end of life as he knew it.

* * *

After Rosalia left, under strict instructions not to breathe a word of this to any member of his family, Scotty sat at the table in the interview room, holding the ring in his fingertips and just staring at it. Part of him was shocked that he'd actually gone through with it and bought the ring, after having been with Lilly for just shy of a year, when he'd been with Elisa for nearly a decade before popping the question, and even after that, had dragged his feet and ultimately never gone through with it.

_You didn't have a clue what you wanted then, _he reminded himself. _You were young, you were an idiot, you didn't know what the hell you were doin'._

But now, he did. He'd been given a second chance at love, a second chance at a bright future with the woman he adored, and he'd been around the block enough to know that second chances didn't just fall from the sky. He was being given a golden opportunity to do it right this time, and so help him, he'd do it right if it killed him. Part of him wanted to race out to where Lilly and Jeffries were on an interview and pop the question then and there, timing be damned, but the other, smarter part of him remembered that it was Lilly he was dealing with. Lilly, for whom marriage wasn't necessarily a happy ending, for whom trust and commitment were still relatively foreign concepts, who he fully expected to have to talk into this whole idea…so it was better to wait. To do it right.

Scotty turned the ring over and over, studying it as he pondered his own instructions. _Do it right._ What the hell did that even look like? Obviously, it meant not proposing to Lil to prove a point, which he wasn't about to do, it meant not just charging in to some jewelry store and buying the first ring he saw, which he hadn't done…

…and it meant getting the blessing of family.

Scotty smiled as he realized he already had his family's blessing. His mother had given Lil the guava turnover recipe long before he'd even gotten serious about this whole proposal thing, so he knew it was fine with her, and Rosalia's reaction had been important to him, too. They'd known each other since infancy, and she truly was the closest thing to a sister Scotty had. She was also Elisa's cousin, her best friend, the one she told all her secrets to, and Scotty hadn't envied her being caught in the middle for so many years. He wasn't quite sure how she'd react to his moving on, but the way she'd welcomed Lilly with open arms from the moment they met told him he had her blessing as well.

_But Lil's family_…he wondered, as he sat there, mesmerized by the way the diamond caught every fragment of light from the interview room and split it into a million different rainbows, _who would Lil consider family? _

He thought briefly about tracking her mother down and asking her, but he wouldn't know where to start, and something deep inside told him Ellen Rush wasn't the person to ask. The way she'd gone through marriages like some women changed their hairstyle told him that her blessing wouldn't carry much weight with Lilly, and besides, if Lil wanted her mother involved in her life in any capacity beyond "emergency only," she'd have done something about it long ago. It wasn't his place to meddle in what could only generously be described as a complicated relationship, Scotty decided. And the only other family he knew about…well, he wasn't even gonna _begin_ to go there.

He realized, with a start, that the only family Lilly truly had, the people who'd been with her through thick and thin, who'd seen her at her best and at her worst, who'd supported her, encouraged her, called her on her crap, and given her some of the most fun times she'd ever had…were the people they both spent all day, every day with. Their motley crew truly had become a family, Scotty realized with a grin. And he knew he had the blessings of everyone in the squad…hell, Vera and Jeffries had helped him shop for the ring, and somehow Miller had found out and had asked him about it in the car on the way to an interview one day. He suspected Vera had something to do with it; the man never could keep his mouth shut, but all his partner had said about the matter was to not do anything stupid and to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into. He figured that was as close to a blessing from Kat Miller that anyone was likely to get about anything, ever.

So the rest of them knew about his plans, and they all supported them, but Scotty realized, as a slow smile spread across his face, that there was one person who didn't know. One person who _should _know. The one person whose blessing would mean more to him, and to Lil, than just about anyone else's.

* * *

"Boss?" Scotty asked nervously as he knocked on the doorframe of the Lieutenant's office the next afternoon. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure thing, Scotty," Stillman replied, looking up from his paperwork only when he heard Scotty shut the door and start closing the blinds, and once that was done, he saw the younger detective begin to pace back and forth, brushing his upper lip with his thumb and clearing his throat nervously.

"Everything all right?" Stillman asked, removing his glasses and setting them on his desk.

Scotty looked up, almost as though he'd forgotten the boss was even there. "Yeah…fine, Boss," he said, then shot Stillman what he hoped was a confident smile.

Stillman smiled back, but Scotty still didn't say anything. "You, uh…wanted to talk to me about something?" he reminded the detective encouragingly.

"Yeah," Scotty replied, his heart roaring in his ears. He'd rehearsed this countless times since the day before, thought he knew for sure what he wanted to say, and at the time, asking Stillman had seemed like a brilliant idea, but now that the moment of truth was here, he was having serious doubts as to whether or not he'd actually be able to go through with it.

"Well?" Stillman asked, unable to suppress the chuckle at the way Scotty was practically wearing ruts in his carpet. He'd never seen Valens like this before, and it was simultaneously amusing and a little disconcerting.

"Me and Lil…" Scotty began, then cleared his throat and tried again. "Lil and I…we've been together for a while now," he said.

"Yes," Stillman agreed, still studying Scotty.

"It's…it's goin' okay, right? With the squad, I mean. It ain't…causin' problems or nothin', is it?" he asked hopefully.

Pausing to think, Stillman rubbed a hand over the top of his head. "No, I gotta say, the two of you have been extremely professional about the whole thing," he finally replied, and Scotty couldn't help the proud smile that worked its way across his features and gave him a small measure of relief.

"Is that what you wanted to ask me?" Stillman inquired, wondering what the hell was taking Valens so long to get to the point.

"Well…this ain't about work, exactly. I mean, it is, 'cause we work together and all, and I'm…I'm thinkin' we can still work together…that is, if it's okay with you…and it's okay with her…and…" Scotty trailed off, took a deep breath, then plunged in. "I wanna ask Lil to marry me."

Stillman froze. He'd known Valens was crazy about Rush, but he'd had no idea they'd gotten that serious…that quickly. Valens…and Rush…_married_?

A smile crept across Stillman's face as he began to wrap his mind around the idea. Lilly had always been special to him, almost like a daughter, though he'd never admit that to anyone, and he thought he'd kept his feelings about her to himself, at least, most of the time. Over the years he'd known her, he'd been hoping she'd find happiness…and now…well, she'd definitely found it. The last several months had been some of the happiest, and, not coincidentally, the most productive he'd seen from Lilly. She wasn't pulling all-nighters at the office anymore, something that, although he'd never tell her, he was glad about. The cold jobs, despite the manic urgency with which they pushed themselves, really weren't as deadline-intensive as the fresh ones. They could all take a break occasionally…if any of them knew how…but the sparkle in Lilly's eyes and the flush in her cheeks told Stillman that she'd learned. Lilly was deeply in love, any fool could see that, and for Scotty to want to make an honest woman out of her, well…

Stillman glanced up from his reverie to see Scotty looking at him hopefully. "So…that okay with you, Boss?" he asked.

Stillman grinned proudly at Scotty. "Well, I'll check the policy handbook, but I don't think you have to do anything different, paperwork-wise. The forms you filled out earlier should suffice, I think…they cover any sort of consensual relationship. Of course, there might be some confusion if Lil changes her name," he mused, picturing two detectives answering to the name Valens.

"Boss," Scotty interrupted quietly. "I ain't talkin' to you as…the boss, right now. I'm askin' you as, well…"

Stillman arched his brows, and Scotty continued. "Remember last year, when you threatened to kick my ass if I ever hurt Lil?" he ventured.

Stillman chuckled. "I recall saying something along those lines, yes."

"I dunno if you figured this out, Boss," Scotty said tentatively, "but it was kinda like a…a dad thing. 'Cause, y'know, Lil doesn't have a dad, and you…well…you kinda act like her dad sometimes…not in a bad way," he explained hurriedly, "she's just…kinda special to you."

"Yes," Stillman replied. "She is."

"So," Scotty went on, gaining confidence as he spoke, "if Lil had a dad…I'd be askin' him. But since she doesn't…I'm askin' you."

Stillman stared at Scotty in amazement, so deeply moved that he was stunned into momentary silence. "Are you…askin' my blessing?" he finally inquired.

"Yeah, Boss," Scotty answered.

"Is it gonna make a damn bit of difference what I say?" he asked knowingly.

Scotty couldn't hide his grin. "Nope," he replied.

"Good," Stillman answered. "You pass the test. If you two want to get married, then you shouldn't let me, or anyone else, stop you. Not that…not that I'm gonna stop you," he added, at the panic-stricken look he saw on Scotty's face.

Stillman took a deep breath and tried to ignore his stinging eyes and his swelling heart. "You and Lil are one of the happiest couples I've ever seen. You take care of her, yes, but…she also takes care of you. I…I wish I could've been around Rita…the way you are around Lil. I've never seen her so happy…and I can't tell you how proud I am that you wanna make it permanent. She deserves that happiness…and, Scotty…so do you," he added, his sharp gaze driving the point home. After all the crap Rush and Valens had been dragged through their first couple of years on the job, it was nice to see them both finally, deservedly, happy.

Scotty swallowed hard against the sudden lump in his throat. "Thanks, Boss," he replied thickly.

"You're welcome, Scotty," Stillman replied, his voice also sounding strange. The two men looked awkwardly at one another, and then simultaneously tried to clear the emotion from their throats.

"So, uh…I dunno what we do now," Scotty admitted. "Are we supposed to hug or somethin'?" he asked, the tone of his voice clearly indicating that he wasn't sure how in the hell he'd even begin to approach hugging his boss.

Stillman chuckled. "I think a handshake'll do just fine," he answered, and the two men exchanged a hearty one.

"Good luck to you, son," Stillman answered, the last word almost an afterthought. "You, uh…you got a ring?"

"Sure do," Scotty replied, patting his pocket.

"Well, lemme see it," Stillman suggested jovially, and, grinning proudly, Scotty withdrew the box and popped it open for the boss to see.

Stillman found himself at a complete loss for words. The ring was beautiful, unique, and absolutely perfect for Lilly. "Nice work," he congratulated Scotty. "You get that from Will's guy?"

"How'd you know that?" Scotty asked.

"Never seen rings like that man could make," Stillman answered, and Scotty closed the box and slipped it back into his pocket.

"Scotty," Stillman began again, placing a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "I'd warn you not to hurt her…but…I don't see that ever happening," he finished, and Scotty was elated. After all the times Boss had seen him screw up, all the times he'd been called on the carpet for his screw-ups over the years, hell, even when Stillman chewed him and Lilly both out the week after they got back from Nashville, the week they'd tried hard to deny their feelings and instead had fought constantly, then been forced to sort things out and wound up exchanging one of the most passionate kisses they'd ever shared, right here in this very office…Scotty felt vindicated, not just professionally, but personally as well.

"I sure as hell don't plan on it," he replied quietly, and Stillman admired the detective before him. He'd watched Scotty Valens grow up over the last five years, watched him change from that overeager rookie detective just aching to prove himself, through his mistakes, both present and past, to grow into the admittedly still rash, still a bit cocky, but overall much more confident, settled, and at peace detective that stood before him…Stillman had rarely felt such a deep sense of pride in one of his subordinates as he did in that moment.

The two exchanged another handshake, another meaningful glance, and then Scotty slipped out of the office and back into the squad room, ready to take on the case once more.

* * *

The next night, they'd solved the case, and, as was tradition, the squad all gathered at Jones' to celebrate. Scotty briefly considered popping the question right there, but realized that public proposals probably weren't going to be Lil's cup of tea, and whatever moment they might have had was ruined entirely when a slightly tipsy Kat dared an even tipsier Vera up onstage to sing a karaoke version of "Sixteen Going On Seventeen," and the headache that Lilly usually got when inflicted with either musicals or Nick Vera's vocal stylings hit in full force. Scotty grinned as he watched Vera stumbling his way through the song, Kat laughing harder than he'd ever seen her, Stillman and Jeffries leaning against the bar shaking their heads, but still unable to hide their amusement, and Lilly casting helpless glances at him before burying her face in her hands, the smile that spread across her features still unmistakable.

_Just ain't the night, _Scotty realized as he sipped his scotch and pulled Lilly close to him.

The next night, they went out for some dinner and dancing, and ended up at the same salsa club they'd gone to on their first date, though Scotty wasn't quite sure whether that was intentional on his part or not. He couldn't remember who had started it, but while they were dancing, they'd begun to joke back and forth, and soon they were both doubled over with laughter, which carried over in the car on the way home, and even as they stumbled their way up the steps and in Lilly's front door. As they shrugged out of their coats, their laughter died down, and then Scotty brushed a stray lock of hair behind Lilly's ear and gazed deep into her sapphire eyes, basking in the joy and love he saw shining from them. He didn't think he'd ever get tired of that.

"I love you, Lil," he told her softly, his mind beginning to race. Was this it? Was this the moment? They were alone, it was quiet, they'd just had a great evening, his heart was so full of love he thought it would burst…

Lilly felt a wave of adoration swelling in her soul as she gazed into Scotty's smoldering eyes. God, she loved the way he said her name, the way his voice caressed the single syllable reverently, almost like a prayer. Occasionally, he still called her Rush, but he'd never, ever called her Lilly, not even when they first met; he'd just automatically shortened it, that very act establishing a level of informality that had instantly thrown her for a loop, and had, looking back, come symbolize the way he'd charged his way through her walls without her even knowing until it was way too late.

Her lips found his then, and her hands cupped the back of his head. "I love you, too, Scotty," she whispered. "So much."

Scotty initially tried to resist her advances. If she kept kissing him, and kissing him like _that_, he amended, as her tongue gently wrapped its way around his, he knew where this would end up, and his brain would be wiped clean of all flowery words, all logical thought…maybe even his name. And he needed to keep a clear head if he wanted to ask her…what it had suddenly occurred to him to ask her. It wasn't too late. He could stop this now, pop the question, and then they could…

But as her hands slipped lower to unbutton his shirt, his heart started to race, love and desire for her overwhelming any and all conscious thought, and his initial, admittedly half-hearted resistance, died on the spot. His hands slid down to stroke her hips while he tore his lips from hers and began to kiss a trail down the side of her neck, nipping at the strap of her dress with his teeth, then continuing a fiery path of kisses over her collarbone, reveling in the softness of her skin, her intoxicating scent, the way she moaned in pleasure and tilted her head back to grant him freer access to some of her most sensitive spots.

Lilly gasped, then whimpered with delight as Scotty found the hollow at the base of her throat and began to tease it mercilessly with his tongue. Her heart pounding, she blindly shoved his shirt from his shoulders and frantically ran her hands over his damp skin, then breathed his name as he spun her around and pressed her against the wall, his fingers desperately searching for the zipper on her dress and his eyes darkening to ebony and glittering with desire.

"God, Lil," he moaned helplessly against her lips as he finally found the zipper, then slid his hands down her slender body, taking her dress with them. She stepped out of it, pressing her curves up against him in the process, and Scotty trembled in anticipation as her hands slid down his chest and then began to deftly undo his belt buckle. Reluctantly, he attempted to gently grasp her wrists, figuring he should stop her at least long enough for them to go upstairs…unless she wanted it right here, right now, up against the wall…

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, he decided with a strangled moan, as his pants fell to the floor and he felt her hands on his newly exposed skin. Screw the bedroom…hell, screw the couch. He had to go _now_. Had to have her. Had to…

_Stomp on that goddamn phone and shatter it into a million pieces, _he thought, clenching his teeth as he heard the muffled electronic chirping from the depths of his pockets.

"Scotty," Lilly murmured against his lips.

"I'm ignorin' it," he declared breathlessly, frantically fumbling with the hook on her bra as he devoured her lips once more.

"No," she panted in frustration, breaking their kiss. "Mine's ringing, too."

Was it? He was sure she was making it up, though he couldn't for the life of him think why. All he could hear was his phone, and that just barely over their frantic breathing and his pulse pounding in his ears. He paused long enough to listen, though, and sure enough…another phone jangled in the distance.

"Dammit," Scotty growled angrily. If her phone was ringing at the same time as his…that could only mean one thing.

They couldn't ignore it.

_"Dammit,"_ he exclaimed again, as he stepped back from Lilly and saw his own denied need reflected in her glittering eyes, which were almost indigo with lust, her lips swollen from his kisses, her cheeks flushed, her chest rising and falling with her rapid breaths…

"We have to," she almost whined, taking one last, longing look at him, then tearing her eyes away, picking up his fallen shirt, slipping into it, and diving for her phone, hoping to answer it before it went to voicemail.

Scotty raked a shaky hand through his hair, grabbed his phone, checked the caller ID, and answered it gruffly.

"Dammit, Miller," he began breathlessly. "This better as hell be good."

"Oh, _God,_" his partner groaned in disgust. "You're not…"

"Not anymore," he pointed out, the annoyance coloring every syllable.

"You're disgusting," Kat declared.

"Well, what the hell else did you think I'd be doin' this late on a Saturday night?" he asked her.

"I suppose it woulda been too much to hope that you'd be asleep," she retorted.

"Sleep comes later," he replied with a grin, his irritation at the interruption fading at the always-welcome opportunity to give his partner crap. "After what _you_ interrupted."

"That's enough, Man Candy," Kat exploded. "I do _not _need details. _Believe _me."

"So..you miss me or somethin'?" Scotty continued, thoroughly enjoying his partner's discomfort.

"_Miss _you?" Kat replied incredulously.

"Well, you call me this late on a Saturday night…gotta be 'cause you miss me," Scotty grinned.

"You better be glad your ass is somewhere I'm not, 'cause I'd be kickin' it right now," Kat grumbled. "And, as hard as it may be for you to believe, I do have a legitimate reason for calling."

"Awww," Scotty complained sarcastically. "And here I was feelin' all special."

"Oh, you're special all right," Kat agreed, although her tone indicated she was thinking of an entirely different meaning of the word than what he'd come up with. "So special that Boss wants us all to drive out to the quarry tonight."

_Dammit_, Scotty griped inwardly. That was at least an hour outside the city limits. "Did he say what it's about?" he asked.

"Yeah," Kat replied sarcastically. "Wild party. Keg. Topless dancers. What the hell do you _think _it's about?"

Scotty sighed and rolled his eyes. "You're even crankier than usual this late at night," he observed.

"Just get your ass to the quarry," Kat ordered. "Your _clothed _ass."

"Yes, ma'am," Scotty replied cheerfully, before the line went dead.

He was just flipping his phone closed when he heard Lilly's soft footsteps coming back in from the kitchen, where she'd gone to take her call.

"I figured we got two choices," he declared, turning to face her and leaning against the wall with a cocky grin. "We can either pick up where we left off later…or..." he continued, his voice lowering seductively, "we can finish this right here…right now…and tell Boss we got stuck in traffic."

He expected Lilly to be of similar mindset, but his grin faded when he saw the look in her eyes. Gone was the love he'd seen from earlier, gone was the joy and the lust and all those other things he relished every time he saw them. In their place was a hard, fiery glint he saw only occasionally, only on the worst of jobs...

"Lil?" he asked tentatively , suddenly alarmed.

"It's a kid, Scotty," Lilly told him quietly. That was all Stillman had told her, but something about the tone of his voice had told her that this was going to be even more difficult than the usual case that involved a kid, and those were heart-wrenching. She wasn't quite sure what he wasn't telling her, but there was something, and it filled her soul with a sickening sense of dread.

"Shit…a kid?" Scotty asked, stepping back into his pants. "You sure?"

"It was Boss," Lilly replied flatly, the glint in her eyes becoming even harder and more determined as she gathered up her dress and handed Scotty his shirt. "He's sure."

"Goddammit," Scotty whispered softly. A _kid_. Those were, as Lilly had said once, the kind of job you hate to catch the most, but worth the most to close. As she headed up the stairs to change, he shrugged into his shirt and ordered his libido into silence. This was work. This was serious. And, if the look in Lilly's eyes was anything to go by…it going to be tough as hell.


	21. Look After You

**A/N: The next few chapters will deal with "the bad thing that happened to little Lilly." I've tried to avoid graphic details, but it still won't be any more comfortable to read than it was to write. So, by its very nature, this chapter is pretty angsty. Apologies in advance. I hope I don't bum you out. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor can I control them. Both facts are unfortunate.**

* * *

**Chapter 21: Look After You**

_It's always have and never hold  
You've begun to feel like home  
What's mine is yours to leave or take  
What's mine is yours to make your own  
_

The drive to the crime scene was mostly quiet. After the news they'd received, Scotty didn't seem much in the mood for talking, and Lilly was glad. She was still trying to piece together what Stillman had meant by what he'd left unsaid. All he'd told her was that they'd found the body of a child, which was tough enough ordinarily, but his voice had had an extra added note of compassion, of warning, almost, that this case might be difficult for her. She tried to think if maybe she would have known the victim, but Boss had said there was no ID yet, so that couldn't have been it. Lilly wracked her brain for a logical explanation, trying to fight the dread that threatened to overwhelm her, but realized that she hadn't been making up what she'd heard in Stillman's voice, and that note of concern was the cause for her dread. That meant there was a concrete reason for it, and that realization just made her all the more anxious. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Scotty cast several concerned glances in her direction as he drove, but he never asked anything, and she'd told him all she knew about the case, which wasn't much more than Miller had relayed to Scotty in her phone call to him. She was grateful that he hadn't asked, because she wasn't sure what she'd have told him. _Boss has me flipped out over this case, and I'm not sure why? _

It occurred to her that perhaps she was reading something into Stillman's tone of voice simply because this was the first child case they'd worked since she'd inadvertently realized she did, eventually, want to have kids with Scotty. That maybe just that small inkling of an idea could have caused her to start feeling things she'd never felt before. Oh, they'd worked jobs involving kids countless times, and they were certainly never easy, but they were also the most satisfying. They were among the few cases where the victims were truly innocent. No victim deserved murder, ever, but, Lilly had realized, in the course of her career, that many times, the victims made choices, consciously or unconsciously, that put them in bad situations, some more obvious than others. But a child, more often than not, had absolutely no recourse against the evil in life…so those cases were always the most difficult to go through, but also the most satisfying to close. They were the ones that truly made her realize how rewarding her job could be, how important what they did really was.

But there was just something about this one…something that instinctively told Lilly it would be tougher than the rest. And that made the knot of dread in her stomach grow ever larger.

_Get a grip, Rush,_ she ordered herself. _It's just a case. No matter how horrible it is, it's your job, so just do it. You've got Boss, you've got the squad…and you've got Scotty. Whatever it is, you'll get through it. _As though sensing her need for that extra bit of reassurance, Scotty reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, shooting him a tight, grimly determined smile.

* * *

Over an hour later, Scotty and Lilly pulled up at the quarry. The crime scene was illuminated by floodlights and given an eerie quality by the flashing red and blue lights of the gathered patrol cars, as well as the ambulance that had been dispatched to the scene. That was the thing that always got him the most, Scotty realized as they approached the gravesite: that they'd send an ambulance to cart away remains from years, sometimes decades, ago. _Fat lotta good those EMTs can do now, _he mused sarcastically.

Miller and Vera arrived right behind them, much to Scotty's surprise, climbing out of the same car. He turned to Lilly to make some comment about this, but she was already several feet ahead of him, single-minded in her determination to reach the scene, so Scotty turned back and cast a curious glance in Vera's direction.

"Since when do you two quit fightin' long enough to come in the same car?" he asked with a grin.

"My car's in the shop, Man Candy," Kat replied smoothly, then quickly changed the subject. "Hey, kudos for gettin' your ass dressed," she commented drily as she looked him up and down.

"Man, you were--?" Vera began with a suggestive grin.

"Yes," Scotty replied tersely.

"With--?" he continued, his grin growing all the larger.

"Yes," Scotty repeated, his voice darkening with irritation at what he and Lilly hadn't been quite able to finish.

Vera studied Scotty carefully. His colleague didn't have the usual happy glow, and that could only mean one thing.

"And you didn't--" Vera began again, confident before he even started what the answer would be.

"No," Scotty grumbled petulantly.

Vera burst out laughing. "Oh, _dude. _Sucks to be you."

Scotty glared in Vera's direction. "Why's that?" he asked.

"I got mine in early," Vera bragged. "So I'm in tip-top shape and rarin' to go."

"Well, good for you," Scotty congratulated his friend sarcastically.

"What's with Lil?" Kat interjected, noticing that her blonde colleague had already reached the crime scene and was deep in conversation with Stillman while the Neanderthals she was stuck with were acting like it was a damn high school locker room.

Scotty sobered instantly, remembering why they were there. "It's a kid," he informed them softly. "She's takin' it pretty hard."

Kat kept walking, hoping she showed no outward reaction, but inwardly, she froze. A kid? _Goddammit_. Those were the cases she'd been dreading the most since she got to Homicide. She'd been fortunate not to have to deal with anything that hit really close to home, not yet, anyway, and she prayed silently that her record would remain intact.

Vera noticed a change in Kat's demeanor, and glanced over at her. "You okay?" he asked, quietly enough that Scotty wouldn't hear him.

"Fine," she replied with forced brightness as they reached the scene.

Frannie was already there, crouched over the skeletal remains of what was definitely a child. She looked up at all the detectives, sympathy radiating from her almond-shaped eyes as she took in each familiar face. This wasn't going to be easy for any of them, she knew that. Frannie was inwardly, and a bit selfishly, grateful. Her part was nearly done. These detectives…their work was just beginning.

"Victim looks to be female, between the ages of eight and twelve. Been down here for probably 20 years, at least," she said, as professionally as she could while trying not to notice that all the surrounding air had been sucked out of the scene, and the detectives all tried to remain stoic and hide their shock, though none were successful. _It never gets any easier_, Frannie mused, _no matter how long you've been doing this damn job._

Lilly was the first to speak. "Any idea on the cause of death?" she asked, her voice clipped and professional. Scotty glanced over at her, but she was still stone-faced. Even more so than usual.

"Not yet," Frannie replied. "No bullet wounds or anything obvious, except a few missing teeth…and this," she added, indicating a fracture. The detectives all leaned forward for a closer look.

"Looks like a broken jaw," Scotty mused.

"You're right," Frannie confirmed, and Scotty's heart sank. Beside him, Lilly stiffened. He glanced at her again to find her standing as still as a statue. He longed to put his arm around her, and almost did, but he figured now was neither the time nor the place. Instead, he settled for gently squeezing her elbow, but she didn't react or even move.

"We think that's what killed her?" Jeffries asked from behind them.

"I doubt it, but at this stage of decomp, it's hard to know for sure," Frannie replied. "I'll need to take her back to the lab, do a few more extensive tests tonight…but at the very least, someone roughed her up a little before she died."

The detectives all exchanged glances. So it was going to be one of _those _cases, they all realized.

Stillman broke the silence. "Let's go back downtown and look through Missing Persons starting in 1988," he suggested. "Maybe something'll match up."

The detectives all nodded and headed back for their cars. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

While they waited for Frannie to come back with her findings, the detectives immediately starting poring through the boxes in the section of the evidence warehouse devoted to missing persons. It was a ritual that had become sadly familiar to them over the years: one of them would pull several boxes off the shelf, and the others would all take turns glancing through them to see if the person in question was of the right age or gender. Most weren't, and so those boxes got taken back to their resting places to await another day, another discovery, another twist of fate that might bring closure to the family.

But a sizeable stack were of pre-teenage girls all disappearing in the mid-1980s, and, after exchanging reluctant glances with one another, the detectives all started the arduous task of giving those boxes a closer look to see if anything could rule them out.

"This one's a boy," Vera griped, glancing through the box.

"How'd that get in there?" Jeffries asked smoothly from his perch on the ladder, where he was glancing at dates on the ends of boxes.

"Hey, a name like Whitney, in the mid '80s, you kinda assume girl," Scotty retorted defensively.

"Yeah, whatever," Vera groused, hoisting himself up from his seat on the floor to hand the box back to Jeffries.

Meanwhile, a few feet away, Stillman and Lilly were removing the lid of another box, that of ten-year-old Annie Potter, last seen in March 1987, when she was going door-to-door selling candy bars as part of a fundraising project for her school band.

"I remember hearing about this girl," Stillman declared wistfully as he took her picture out of the box. "A friend of Rita's was her second-grade teacher."

He handed the Missing poster to Lilly, and her breath caught in her throat when she saw the little girl's photo. From the stilted formality of a school picture, Annie beamed, though the impish glint in her blue eyes told whoever was looking at the picture that as soon as the shutter clicked, she'd be off and running once more. Her blonde hair draped over her shoulders, and a liberal sprinkling of freckles lay scattered over her nose and cheeks.

Stillman glanced over and saw Lilly paling, and in an instant, his worst fears had been confirmed. This case was going to be difficult for her. All jobs involving children were difficult for all of them, but normally Lilly didn't let her own personal experiences dictate how she responded to a case. But this one…Stillman had known from the moment he'd been called out to the scene that there was something different about it, and when Frannie had told him what she'd uncovered, his suspicions had been verified. He'd been intentionally vague on the phone with Lilly, wanting to warn her without seeming overly protective. From experience, he knew that Lilly Rush could take care of herself, but he couldn't stop himself from wanting to shield her from more pain than she'd already faced. It helped that Scotty had that same goal, and Stillman figured, with the two of them looking out for her, then whatever this case did to her, Lilly would be fine in the end.

But that glance, just that brief, unguarded moment when he saw not Lilly the detective, but Lilly the still-wounded adult version of the child she had been, told him that she would need extra care in this case. Stillman glanced over at Scotty, who was sitting on the floor, surrounded by boxes, leaning against a shelf and leafing through another file, and he felt a sense of security in knowing, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Valens had his back, and together, the two of them had Lilly's.

Stillman glanced over at Lilly again and discovered that her brief moment of vulnerability was over, and she'd replaced that mask of cool professionalism, though he couldn't deny the small flame he could see burning just beneath the surface, that flame that told him that looking at Annie Potter's photo had given this already-personal case an extra meaning.

"Might not be her, Lil," Stillman said quietly, in an effort to reassure her.

"But it might be," Lilly said sadly, then began to sift through Annie's file.

* * *

Down the aisle, as Vera got up to hand the mistakenly-pulled box back to Jeffries, Kat lifted the lid off yet another box, steeling herself for a peek into a life most likely interrupted too short. It hadn't been like this in Narcotics, she thought bitterly. Narcotics was all about invading crack houses in seriously bad neighborhoods, ridding vermin from a dark underworld of the city that most average citizens would never even think about, let alone encounter. Most of their busts were in the same neighborhood, a squalid, dangerous place that nobody would even think twice about having a family in unless they had no other choice.

And Kat, fortunately, had had a choice. Even as a single mother, with Veronica's father safely locked away in jail, where he damn well belonged, she knew she didn't have to raise her daughter in a neighborhood like the ones she busted. Once she wrapped her mind around the fact that she was pregnant, she gave brief consideration to abandoning her career as a cop before it even really got started, and settling down to a nice, safe job with regular hours, a job that would let her be home more, but, truth be told, as a young, unwed, pregnant black woman, her options were…limited, she realized with a wry smile. And, regular hours or not, she was already one of the lucky ones. She had a job. A damn good job. A job that she loved, a job that paid…not well, but well enough. A job that would make the world a better place for her child. And so, as soon as her maternity leave was over, she'd thrown herself back into it, grateful each day for the opportunity she had to raise Veronica in a safer neighborhood. It wasn't Chestnut Hill, she realized, but, as she pored through those boxes, she learned that even the Chestnut Hill parents weren't safe from the kind of thing she, as a mother, feared most.

_You just do your best, _Kat had told herself over and over again through the years, _and you hope that your best is good enough._

But for these parents, these lives she'd been spending her night poking through, their best _hadn't _been good enough. Every parent's worst nightmare had become a reality to each mother, each father, each family represented in that box. The girls who'd disappeared were, for the most part, from loving families, not dysfunctional ones. They were from the so-called "safe" neighborhoods: Chestnut Hill, Germantown, Roxborough…not the squalid, dangerous places Kat had spent her undercover career cleaning up and saving every nickel to avoid having to live in.

The more boxes Kat pored through, the more rattled she got. In her undercover days, when a child disappeared, it was usually due to parental neglect; drug-addicted moms and dads who'd let their kids out to wander the streets at all hours of day or night. But these parents had done nothing wrong, nothing that could have contributed to their child's disappearance. Parents…just like her, she realized, as a chill ran down her spine. They'd been at work…they'd been at the park with their kids…they'd been letting their child go two blocks over to ride bikes with a neighbor. And Kat realized, with a sinking heart, that no matter how many bastards she yanked off the streets, there would always be more. She, as a police officer, would always be one step behind the bad guys, no matter how hard she tried.

To her chagrin, she felt her long-repressed doubts about her life choices beginning to surface. They didn't often, but when they did, they threatened to overwhelm her. Was she doing the right thing, keeping the kind of hours she did, sometimes not seeing her child for two or three days at a time? Was the greater good really that great, when the cost was that the only time she could really guarantee that she'd get to see Veronica was at those carefully-guarded Wednesday night dance classes?

Knowing from experience that she could wrestle with those questions until she was blue in the face and still not get any concrete answers, Kat sighed as she replaced the lid on the box and handed it to Vera, hoping that her swirling thoughts could be contained just as easily.

"This one ain't her," she said confidently. "Victim was taller than that."

Vera nodded, glancing at Kat with concern as he took the box. To the casual observer, she appeared fine, but the hollow look in her eyes was a dead giveaway. With a defeated sigh, Vera turned away and headed back toward the shelf. He'd been afraid of this. He'd been worried that this case would wear on her. How the hell could it not? The victims being approximately the same age as her own little girl? Vera silently cursed the brutal nature of their job and the effect it was having on the woman he loved.

"This one's a possibility," Scotty declared as he removed a Missing poster from another box and handed it across the aisle to Kat. "Dad's outta the picture, Mom's an ER doc…in emergency surgery when the kid disappears…"

Kat took the photo from Scotty and felt her heart sink to her shoes as she took in the details of the little redhead's smiling face. She wasn't sure why she was inflicting this on herself, looking at every single picture of every single little girl who went missing in the mid-80s. Surely learning the tragic story of whichever girl it would end up being was enough. No point in knowing the details of the lives of the others. Especially when they were all probably buried God alone knew where, waiting for some flood to expose a bone, or some construction crew to dig them up. The cop in Kat knew from bitter experience there wasn't much chance for any of these girls…but the mother in her refused to give up hope. _Maybe she's out there…somewhere…_Kat mused, as she handed the photo back to Scotty.

"How do you like that," her partner remarked darkly as he slipped the photo back into the file. "Mom's out savin' some other kid's life, and her own daughter goes missin'."

Kat froze momentarily. Scotty's words were like a dagger to her heart, and she glanced up, prepared to tear him a new one, and then tear _that _new one a new one…but the fact that his offhand comment resonated in her guilt-ridden soul along with the questions and doubts about her own parenting that had resurfaced knocked her for such a loop that the words simply wouldn't come. She glanced at Scotty, hoping to find some arrogant, judgmental smirk on her partner's face that would inspire a more characteristic response from her, but one look at him softened her heart and made her realize that there simply wasn't any point. Valens was buried so deep in the case that there was no way his remark, ill-advised though it may have been, was in any way intentional, or even directed at her. She knew that her own situation hadn't even crossed his mind, nor, on second thought, was there the slightest reason for her to expect it to. He'd merely been reporting the facts of the case, as was his duty. They were cops. The job came first, before any and all concern over their colleagues. She knew that, and he knew it, too.

Her reverie was interrupted by the thwack of a cardboard box falling to the floor right next to her, and Kat glanced up and realized, to her chagrin, that Vera had apparently overheard Scotty's most recent comment, and was none too happy about it.

"Try keepin' your parenting opinions to yourself, jackass," he muttered, quietly enough that Kat wasn't even sure Scotty had heard him, but the dark flash she saw from her partner's eyes indicated that he had.

"What, just 'cause you're shootin' hoops with Andre, you think you know everything there is to know about bein' a dad now?" Scotty retorted.

"Well, I know a helluva lot more about it than you do," Vera shot back, before he was silenced by a glare from Kat.

Scotty sighed and shook his head as he started digging through another box. This job was tough enough without people's personal issues crapping all over it.

* * *

After several hours of running tests, Frannie came back in with the report. "Dental records confirm that the victim was ten-year-old Annie Potter," she announced grimly. "Looks like she was beaten, strangled. Some…signs of sexual assault," she added after a pause.

Lilly stiffened even further. _Of course it's her, _she thought bitterly. _A ten-year-old blonde girl with a broken jaw. Just what I need. _She felt Scotty's gaze on her, but didn't dare to glance back. Not yet. Not until she could hide what she was sure would be reflected in her eyes. Not until her walls were firmly in place, and she could pretend this case didn't hit her where it hurt.

Meanwhile, across the room, Kat realized, to her horror, that fatigue and helplessness had brought her dangerously close to tears. An entire night spent combing through Missing Persons reports, having pulled sixteen files that matched their victim's description, sixteen girls that were close to Veronica's age, sixteen families that had seen their little girl walk out the door never to return again, and it turned out that the victim was, in fact, Veronica's exact age, and had come from a loving, functional family where the parents had done their best, and yet their daughter was still brutally murdered. Kat didn't know which was worse, the fact that Annie's family would have twenty years' worth of hope shattered, or that fifteen other families still wouldn't have the answers they so desperately needed.

Stillman's voice interrupted everyone's thoughts. "It's almost nine," he informed the group, much to their surprise. Time flew when they were hard at work on a case, especially down in the evidence warehouse, where the lack of natural light always screwed with their sense of time.

"People oughta be awake by now," he continued quietly, casting a glance at Scotty. "Valens, take Miller and go talk to the family," he instructed.

Scotty nodded grimly, but, across the aisle from him, Kat froze again. Surely not. She'd done just about everything as a cop: busted drug lords, taken down entire prostitution rings almost singlehandedly, helped take more doers than she could count off the streets, even been shot…but this…tell parents that their little girl truly was never coming home…this was the one thing she simply couldn't do. Well, that and admit to the others that there was one thing she simply couldn't do.

Lilly seemed to be the only one who heard the quiet gasp from her colleague, and she glanced up in alarm to find Miller staring, wide-eyed, with a look she'd never quite seen from her before. It was, Lilly was nearly certain, the same look she had, and in an instant, she knew why. _Oh, God, _she realized, _Miller HAS a ten-year-old girl._

Lilly's heart flooded with compassion. No matter how difficult this case was going to be for her, she was sure it would be at least that hard, if not harder, for Miller.

"I'll go," she heard herself volunteering.

Everyone else looked up in surprise. Stillman glanced curiously from Lilly, to Scotty, to Kat, and back to Lilly, silently debating the ramifications of heeding Rush's request. Professionally, it was potentially a good idea…Lilly was one of the best. But…was she too close to the case? Too involved?

"You sure?" he asked her, his voice quiet and his eyes trying to hide his concern.

"Of course," Lilly answered, almost defiantly, then glanced at her watch in exasperation. "Look, the longer we stand around deciding who's gonna do this, the longer that bastard's out there. I said I'd go, and I'll go. C'mon, Scotty," she finished, heading for the stairs without waiting for him.

Stillman knew, in that moment, that any resistance he might have offered was futile. Despite her personal involvement, or, maybe, because of it, Lilly was bound and determined to see this case through, from beginning to end, and the cop in him couldn't blame her. He'd done the same thing himself countless times, and he couldn't deny her the thing she seemed to so desperately need. As sort of a last-ditch effort, he cast a glance in Scotty's direction.

Scotty nearly jumped at the expression he saw in his boss's eyes. It was Stillman's usual steely gaze, but beneath it was something Scotty had never seen before. It was an unspoken directive that implored Scotty, in no uncertain terms, to remember the precious responsibility he now had with regards to Lilly. It was as though Stillman had never dared to truly give free reign to his affection for her until Scotty brought it out in the open, but now that it was there, it was an understanding between the two of them. _I'm trusting you to take care of her, Valens, _the boss's sharp look seemed to say, _and you damn well better._

Scotty felt like saluting, but settled for giving the boss a slight nod and an expression that he hoped conveyed his iron-clad determination to do exactly that. This job was going to be tough on all of them, both as people and as cops, and if part of the job was looking out for Lilly, then look out for Lilly he would. _Ain't like I wasn't gonna do that anyway_, he reasoned as he turned to go, but as he stuck his hand in his pocket to retrieve the car keys, his fingertips brushed the black velvet box that had been his constant companion for most of that week, and he realized that looking out for Lilly had taken on a much deeper meaning, not only for him, but for Stillman as well.

* * *

A few moments later, all the others had headed off to take care of other responsibilities, leaving Vera and Kat to pack up the files and put them back in the appropriate boxes. _Too damn many boxes,_ Kat thought grimly as she reached up to put one of them back on the shelf. Each box represented a little girl lost, a family without answers…she suddenly felt nothing more than the most overwhelming desire she'd ever felt in her life to just go home and hug Veronica tight, if only for a moment. _Forget the greater good, _her mother's heart cried plaintively. _I just need my little girl._

Vera was just fitting the lid on another box when he heard what sounded suspiciously like a sniffle coming from Kat's direction. Alarmed, he glanced over at her to find her facing the shelf, leaning her forehead against one of the boxes, and, in about a step, he reached her.

"You okay?" he asked her. _Oooh, score one for Captain Obvious._

"No," Kat admitted brokenly. "I wanna go home," she declared.

Vera paused. They couldn't. She knew that. They had work to do. And she _never _wanted to leave work in the middle of a shift. Ever. Even in the worst of cases, she never…

Suddenly, it occurred to him what must be causing her so much pain. Valens, shooting off his mouth. Again. That jackass never did know when to keep his mouth shut. And for him to basically lay the blame for a little girl's disappearance on her hardworking single mother, a woman who was out there doing a really damn important job…did that man ever think before he said something? At all? Ever? Vera felt his blood starting to boil as the impact of Scotty's careless remark began to hit his girlfriend now that they were finally alone.

"I wanna go home," Kat repeated. "I wanna go sit down on the floor next to Veronica, who's probably watchin' that damn horse movie for the twenty-seventh time this week alone, and I wanna take back the last thing I said to her, which was some stupid thing about her not leavin' her shoes in the middle of the floor, and I wanna hold her and tell her I love her and forget about this stupid, fucked-up job," she announced, her voice wavery.

"Shhh," Vera began, pulling her close, his anger taking a momentary back seat to the flood of compassion that was washing over him. She resisted at first, but eventually, her need to be held and comforted won out over her desire to keep their secret. So what if someone saw? At that moment, she didn't give a rat's ass.

"I wanna go see my little girl," she whispered against Vera's shoulder.

"I know," he replied huskily. "Me, too."

* * *

The car doors slammed in unison, and Lilly heard a deep, shuddering sigh from Scotty. She glanced over and saw her boyfriend rubbing his eyes, although whether it was fatigue or tears he was trying to scrub away, she wasn't sure. Neither one would have surprised her. That had been one of the more wrenching parental notifications they'd ever done. The parents had clearly been in denial for the last 20 years, keeping Annie's room exactly the same as it had been the day she disappeared, except for the pile of birthday presents, Christmas presents, and the like stacked in a corner, the ones on the bottom showing signs of obvious wear. Pictures of the grinning blonde were everywhere, and it was clear from the look on the parents' faces when they opened their front door to two Philadelphia detectives that they were convinced it would be good news. She and Scotty had exchanged a reluctant glance, knowing that with five little words, _we found your daughter's body, _they'd shatter the hearts and souls of these parents, change their lives forever, deliver news from which they may never recover, and become nothing more than bit characters in the worst day of their lives. All the hope they'd be able to offer was that maybe, just maybe, they'd be able to find whoever did this to Annie and make a date for him with the needle, though Lilly knew that would be no consolation. She could tell from the look in Scotty's eyes that he was willing to step in and deliver the blow if need be, but, despite the tears in her own, she took care of it herself. She couldn't explain it, but she needed to do this.

After Lilly had delivered the news, she and Scotty had sat together on the couch, looking on uncomfortably as the parents wept in each other's arms. She'd expected the outpouring of grief, having seen it far too many times, but what she hadn't expected was the total shock. Most parents of missing children seemed to have innately known the truth, but these parents…these parents still clearly expected Annie to walk through that front door any day now, and the possibility that she was dead had never even occurred to him.

As the Potters continued to try and console one another, Lilly had stolen a glance at Scotty and noticed the twitching of his jaw muscle and righteous indignation burning in the depths of his eyes, as though he wanted to memorize every single detail of this scene, all the pain, all the heart-wrenching disappointment, in order to give himself extra motivation in the long days that lay ahead to catch the son of a bitch who had done this. _Like anyone needs extra motivation with this one, _Lilly mused wryly. But while Scotty's anger was righteous, outwardly focused, Lilly discovered, to her horror, that the anger burning within her own soul wasn't directed toward the doer.

Annie had clearly been loved, adored, and given every advantage in life. The family wasn't ostentatiously wealthy, but they were definitely comfortable, and Annie had never wanted for anything, Lilly could tell just by looking around the little girl's room. It was unthinkable that Annie would be in danger, the parents had said, right in their own neighborhood, where everyone knew everyone else, and families had lived on the same block for generations, which was why they'd had no qualms whatsoever about letting her troll the street selling her candy bars. And these parents… they'd obviously been holding out hope ever since Annie's disappearance, confident that whoever had taken her would have treated her well. Lilly's cynicism prevented her from sharing that hope, and she found herself almost jealous of their murder victim. Annie's parents hadn't sent her out late at night, it was right after school. She wasn't wandering the streets of Kensington alone, she was in Mt. Airy, on a block full of people who knew and loved her. And she wasn't out buying a bottle of vodka for her mother, she was trying to raise money for her elementary school band.

Lilly found herself burning with bitterness as she sat there, watching those parents grieve, knowing in her heart that if she'd disappeared, her mother would have wondered about her vodka long before she wondered about her daughter. When Lilly had limped home, battered and bleeding, her mother had flown into a panic, wondering how this possibly could have happened when the store was just three blocks away. She'd hurried Lilly to the emergency room, where they'd dosed her up with heavy-duty painkillers, wired her jaw shut and explained that she'd be fine, then asked Ellen what had happened.

Lilly, through her haze of drugs, pain, and fatigue, had heard her mother say that she'd fallen. "I don't know what happened," Ellen had explained. "She's always into everything, running out in the middle of the street at night…worries me sick."

The hospital had been required to notify the police, due to Lilly's age and the severity of her injuries. Standard protocol, they'd said. But Ellen had refused to press charges, insisting it was an accident, and that she'd just encourage Lilly to be more careful next time. They'd stopped by the store on the way home, Ellen buying even more vodka than normal, and she'd spent the next two days in her bedroom, presumably in a drunken stupor.

Ray had come by the next afternoon, having missed Lilly at school, and was shocked to see her injuries. Through hand gestures and crudely-written communications, she was able to articulate to Ray that she was hungry, and, in a gesture of childish love that, to this day, still stung her eyes with tears, he'd run to the store and purchased some ice cream and chocolate syrup and had cobbled together a milkshake. He'd made a mess of her mother's kitchen, having forgotten the importance of leaving the lid on the blender the first time around, but, as he would reminisce years later…it was a mess already. He came by every morning and afternoon after school, making her milkshakes, and staying with her until bedtime. His parents were too busy to miss him, he reasoned, and so they'd whiled away the hours watching TV, playing games, and sometimes just being quiet together. It was far more maturity than she'd ever seen from him, before or since, she realized with a wry smile, and, despite the way things had ended between them, she knew he'd always hold a special place in her heart.

Lilly and her mother never spoke of the attack after that, which was why Lilly had almost fallen over with shock when Ellen had mentioned it, almost casually, to Jackie the night she'd insisted on pretending they were a happy family.

"Remember when you broke your jaw?" Ellen had asked, right in the middle of pre-dinner drinks. "She was always into something," she explained as an aside to Jackie, then turned her attention back to Lilly. "What happened? You fell, right?"

Lilly had been too stunned to even move, and she'd seen a similar reaction flit across the face of her mother's latest paramour.

"A broken jaw is horrible," Jackie had rightly observed, but Ellen, as usual, was prepared with a cover story.

"Well, she used to run out in the middle of the night. I can't believe I even slept, I'd worry so much," she said, painting herself, as always, as the loving, caring mother of the year, but Lilly had lived under her mother's umbrella of denial for far too long.

"I was attacked," she pointed out, angry tears stinging her eyes. "I didn't fall."

"We lived in some bad neighborhoods," the chastened Ellen had quietly explained to her fiancé du jour, who had chosen that moment to flee the scene under the guise of checking on their order.

It was then, as Lilly relived all this while sitting on the Potters' sofa, waiting for them to recover their composure enough to answer a few questions, that she'd vowed to lock away those memories. This case would be difficult for her, she knew, but if she could just get through it, could just bury herself in the job and not think about what had happened to her, then she wouldn't have to deal with it ever again. That terrible night, Lilly ran, she fought, and she lived. So she'd run through this case, she'd fight the memories, and she'd survive once more.

She felt Scotty's eyes on her in the car, and she shot him a tight, professional smile. She couldn't think of him as her boyfriend right now; if she did, she'd fall apart. And she couldn't do that. Not here. Not now. Not during this case. Maybe…maybe later, when the memories weren't so close to the surface, when Scotty's probing eyes wouldn't draw out her darkest secret. If she could just get through this, she thought…maybe that secret could remain in the dark recesses of her heart.

Maybe.


	22. I Am An Island

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters...which should be fairly obvious, since none of them drink appletinis.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two: I Am An Island **

_If I seem a little callused  
I assure you it's just a scratch  
So if you can hold on  
'Til the mood swings are gone  
Then we might just have a chance_

After taking a moment to recover from the wrenching task they'd just completed, Scotty sighed once more, glanced over at Lilly with a wan smile, and turned the key in the ignition. Notifying the families was always tough; there was simply no good way to deliver news like that, and, as such, it was the part of the job he dreaded the most, yet the part that gave him the most motivation to put in the hours necessary to bring the doer to justice. After all, he'd been on the receiving end of news like that not once, but twice. The first time was on a cold winter morning in 2005, when Stillman had pulled him out of the office and driven him all the way to the river, causing Scotty's runaway imagination to conjure up every possible reason Boss would have brought him out there…every possible reason except the one it turned out to be.

_It's about Elisa, Scotty…they found her this morning in the Schuylkill_.

Stillman's words were quiet, direct, and as kind as they could possibly be, but they still seared themselves indelibly onto Scotty's soul and shattered his world into a million pieces. At that moment, his life was torn, almost audibly, into "before" and "after."

After the initial shock, his emotions had rapidly given way to stubborn, iron-clad denial. Elisa wouldn't have jumped, he'd proclaimed to whoever would listen. She was getting better, she was scared of heights…someone must have done it to her. He carried that belief with him for nearly a year; it kept him upright during the funeral, kept him going through the dark, lonely days and nights that followed until he'd found distractions to take his mind off the pain, and, once those distractions were gone, that hope gave him something to focus on besides the grief that he knew, if he gave in to it, would swallow him whole. She wouldn't have done it to herself. Couldn't have. It was someone else's fault, and he'd find them and make them pay if it was the last thing he ever did.

Because if it wasn't someone else's fault…then it was his.

He'd cherished that hope, nurturing it deep within his heart, letting it grow and blossom with every case they solved, and one day…the call he'd been waiting for came. Anna Mayes had picked up a guy who she thought had killed Elisa, and she figured Scotty would want a crack at him. Scotty had been dumbfounded. The moment he'd been dreaming of for so many months had finally arrived, and his mind struggled to absorb that it was real, and not just in his imagination. _I figured…this would be the way…sit tight, and somethin' about Elisa would come out. _

After leaving work, Scotty had spent the whole night reading everything he could on this Dante character, pacing the floor of his apartment planning every move, every word, every question, and fantasizing about just what he'd do to that son of a bitch once he got the confession. But a few minutes into the interview, Scotty realized that Dante hadn't killed Elisa, and his world had shattered for a second time, this one just as painful as the first, if not even more so.

So he knew exactly what notifying families, especially families of victims whose bodies had gone undiscovered for years, families who'd spent those years hoping and praying that their loved one was safe, would do to them…knew from bitter personal experience…but he was still prepared to do it. Prepared to shield Lilly from the worst the job had to offer her. He wasn't sure what was ahead with this case, but that task of notifying the parents, especially these parents, who were still firmly entrenched in two decades' worth of denial…that was up there with some of the hardest things they'd ever done.

And yet she'd insisted on doing it. Despite the tears that had shimmered in her eyes, despite that odd expression in those soulful sapphire orbs that he couldn't quite put a finger on, the set of her jaw had told him beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was going to do this, and there was nothing Scotty could do or say to change her mind. _I appreciate the offer, _her expression seemed to say, _but you can't save me from this._

As he pulled away from the curb and drove down the street in silence, Scotty began to wonder why. Why was this case, this victim, so important to her? Of course, the cases involving children were important to them all; the entire squad seemed to step it up to another level when a kid was involved. Outside plans were forgotten, sleep was neglected, meals were skipped, all in the name of bringing justice to the most innocent of victims. But there was something in Lilly's demeanor, and had been ever since the beginning, that was even more intense than usual, something that told him that she had claimed this particular case as _hers_, come hell or high water, and Scotty was at a loss as to what it might be.

He glanced over at her again to find her staring straight ahead, that odd expression still painted on her face. It wasn't quite the Ice Queen stare, but it was definitely a mask of some sort. Clearly she was protecting herself from something, because he could tell she'd walled off her heart. Scotty knew from experience, how could he not know, that that was her defense mechanism , that was how she kept herself from getting hurt. They all did it with cases like this, at least to some extent. They had to, or the job would eat them alive…but Lilly was taking her usual tendency to an entirely different level. In the five years he'd known her, Scotty had never seen her like this.

Was she pulling away from him again? She was definitely much cooler, much more detached, not friendly and flirtatious like normal. Hell, she'd barely even touched him since their last kiss the night before, a kiss that, although it was a mere twelve hours ago, might as well have been a lifetime, for all they'd been through since then. It really did seem like ages ago, her gazing at him with love, kissing him passionately, ripping off his shirt, panting his name as he'd pressed her against the wall…and then standing there in that black lace bra, her skin flushed and her blue eyes sparking with frustration at the fact that they wouldn't get to finish what they'd started. And ever since that phone call had interrupted them, Lilly had retreated behind walls so thick Scotty could barely see over them.

For half a second, he wondered, with a surge of panic, if maybe she'd found the ring. Maybe, in the course of stripping off his pants, her fingertips had brushed that black velvet box in his pocket, and she'd figured out what it was and flipped out…

_Oh, get real, Valens, _he chided himself. Lilly had been so preoccupied with freeing him from the confines of his clothing that he was positive that, even if she had inadvertently discovered that box, it wouldn't have registered to her what it was. At that point, she'd had only one thing on her mind. They both had.

But something had happened in the few minutes between that moment and when she'd returned from the kitchen, and that was when he'd seen the look in her eyes. So, no, it probably didn't have anything to do with him. It was the case. Had to be the case. He kept coming back to that. That was when everything had changed, that was when she'd turned into a statue, that was when that blue flame had started to burn in her eyes.

When she was working on a case, Scotty mused, Lilly was usually very cool and professional. The fire for justice burned bright within her, like it did with all of them, but only rarely did it pop to the surface with her. Scotty often admired the way she managed to keep her emotions in check, even when a case hit close to home. He'd wished, more times than he could count, for just a measure of her restraint, a measure of that self-control she seemed to have that kept her from doing stupid crap like he always seemed to be doing when a case hit home for him. He'd seen some jobs with her that had had a special meaning, and he'd seen that fire burn a bit brighter than usual…but he'd never seen this.

Her mask of professionalism seemed more transparent with this case than it ever had before, like if someone said the wrong word to her, it would break, and Scotty couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why. He wasn't sure what it would take to shatter it, but it didn't make any difference, because he could tell that Lilly was aware of it, and so she'd erected six-foot-thick steel-reinforced concrete walls around her heart in order to compensate. She was definitely running from something, and if he hadn't known better, he'd have thought it was the horrors that no doubt lay ahead of them with this particular case…but Lilly was responding not by running from the case, but running _to _it. Like she was on an ancient battlefield, and flaming arrows were being shot at her from all sides, and she'd decided to barrel through it full speed ahead, reasoning that the faster she ran, the more quickly she'd get through it, and the less likely she'd get hit. When he realized this, Scotty felt like beating his forehead against the steering wheel in frustration. Didn't she know by now that he'd do _anything _to protect her, that he'd run through that battlefield with her and take an arrow for her if she needed him to? What the hell was wrong with her that she wouldn't let him?

Scotty stole another glance at Lilly. She clearly felt that she needed to be protected from something with this case…and the weird part was, Stillman seemed to agree. That look he'd given Scotty in the evidence warehouse had been proof that the boss could also tell that something was amiss, and Scotty was pretty sure Stillman didn't know what it was, either, but, the way she was reacting, it had to be something…personal. Something close to her heart. Something…

"Scotty," Lilly's sharp voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yeah," a startled Scotty replied, and, in glancing over at her, realized that she'd been staring at him, probably for quite some time. He wondered just how many times she'd had to call his name before he answered, and hoped to God it had just been the once. She was looking at him quizzically, studying the expression she saw on his face, with a slight bit of alarm reflected on her own, but after a few seconds, the alarm faded and was replaced, once again, by that trademark mask of professionalism.

"You missed the turn," she informed him coolly.

Scotty glanced around. Surely he hadn't… Crap. He had.

"Damn case," he muttered, pulling into a nearby driveway to turn around. As he backed the car out into the street, he thought he heard his girlfriend sigh with what sounded suspiciously like relief.

Scotty resisted the urge to glance over at her once more. Something was definitely, definitely going on.

* * *

That afternoon, Vera had managed to uncover a record of the candy bar sales Annie Potter had achieved the day of her disappearance, and Lilly and Stillman returned to Annie's neighborhood to retrace her steps and see which of the neighbors still lived there, hoping that perhaps someone might remember something they'd forgotten twenty years earlier, or that someone who wasn't willing to talk then might be willing to talk now.

They began in the Potters' driveway, walking mostly in silence, going from house to house. Most of the neighbors' statements corroborated the statements they'd given to police in 1987, but one neighbor remembered a dark blue station wagon that had seemed to be following Annie at a distance. She couldn't give a good description of the driver, just that he was white and wore glasses, but it was more than they'd had to go on before.

As Lilly progressed from that house to the next one on Annie's list, she dropped her pen to the sidewalk and bent to pick it up. The snow that surrounded the sidewalk was melting in the brilliant sunshine, but even so, just the glimpse of that wet sidewalk suddenly rocketed Lilly back to another wet sidewalk, this one in the springtime, and at night.

_Lilly glanced from side to side, knowing instinctively that something wasn't quite right, but not having any idea what it was until the man emerged from the alleyway._

"_Hey, little girl…kinda late to be out by yourself," he commented, his tone casual, but his eyes glittering with something Lilly couldn't quite place, but which instantly gave her the chills._

_Her heart beginning to race, she ignored him and kept walking._

Lilly gasped, her heart hammering inside her chest, as she hurriedly finished the task of retrieving the fallen pen and straightened back up, forcing her eyes to look anywhere but at that wet sidewalk.

"Lil?" Stillman asked from beside her, and she jumped. She'd forgotten her boss was even there.

"Just…dropped my pen," Lilly replied, with forced brightness.

At the next house, they had no luck. The people who'd lived there in 1987 had moved out in 1994, and the house had had two owners since then. The woman who answered the door said she'd heard something about a little girl disappearing, but she and her husband didn't have kids, so they hadn't paid much attention. Sorry they couldn't be of more help.

Lilly sighed in frustration as they made their way to the next house on the list, and they were discussing the blue station wagon theory when a car drove past with the stereo turned up far too loud. Lilly trailed off, mid-sentence, and cringed as the memories slammed into her once more.

_A car zoomed by, its windows seeming to vibrate with each beat of the music._

"_What're you doin' out so late?" the man persisted, stepping out from behind the building and beginning to follow her at a distance._

"_I'm going to the store," Lilly called back, picking up her pace, hoping that man would just go away and leave her alone. He was scary, that man._

"You okay, Lil?" her boss's voice pierced through her reverie, and again she forced herself to take a deep breath and focus on anything but those unwelcome memories, then settled on meeting her boss's stern, yet caring, blue-gray eyes. She wasn't ten years old anymore, dammit. She was Detective Lilly Rush, Philadelphia Homicide. She wasn't alone. She wasn't powerless. She carried a gun, and she knew how to use it.

"Fine," she insisted tersely, then turned her attention back to her notes. "We got five more houses before the end of the line." Without waiting for Stillman's response, she turned on her heel and walked briskly toward their destination.

At the next house, the elderly couple who lived there remembered Annie Potter well; sometimes, she'd stop by for cookies on her way home from school. They'd bought two dozen candy bars from her that afternoon, promising to buy more the next time she came, but they never saw her again. Hadn't seen anything, hadn't heard anything, so they couldn't be of much help, but that hadn't stopped them from spending forty-five minutes reminiscing about what a sweet girl Annie was, how much her parents loved her, how devastated the neighborhood was when she disappeared, but, like they said, they hadn't seen or heard anything unusual then, and they certainly didn't remember now.

"Good luck to you both," they'd said sincerely as Stillman and Lilly had risen to leave.

On their way to their next stop, they again walked in silence, and Lilly felt a general sense of uneasiness beginning to worm its way into her heart.

_Stop it, Rush, _she ordered herself. _There's nothing to be afraid of. You're an adult now. You're with Boss. You have a gun. He has a gun. It's broad daylight, for God's sake. _

And then she heard the running footsteps behind her.

"_Does your mother know where you are?" she heard that man call after her._

"_She sent me," Lilly replied, and then something deep within her told her she'd shared a bit too much, and she better start running, so she did, trying to ignore the fact that his footsteps behind her had also increased their speed. The store was only a block and a half away. Maybe she could get there before that man could talk to her anymore._

_She heard his footsteps, faster and louder behind her, and she picked up her pace even more. Maybe, if she pretended she could fly, maybe that would help her run away. She willed her legs to move even faster, ignoring the burning of her lungs. Maybe she'd be fast enough. Look, there's the store, just up ahead. _

_But those footsteps were closing in so fast, and then she felt him--_

"Afternoon, folks," the jogger greeted them as he sprinted past, and Lilly stopped, her breath coming in shallow gasps, clutching her chest as though that would silence her frantically thundering heartbeat and stop the waves of sheer terror that were crashing throughout her whole body.

"Lil," Stillman insisted, taking her by the shoulders and forcing her to look at him.

"He just…startled me, is all," she managed, though, despite her best efforts to smile, she couldn't hide the panic in her eyes, and she could tell from the expression on Stillman's face that he'd read it in an instant…and that he had some idea why it was there.

"Maybe…it'd be a good idea to take a break," he suggested almost tentatively. "Go home, get some sleep, come back tomorrow."

Sleep…though that should have been a welcome thought, the very idea caused her to shudder, caused beads of sweat to break out all over her body despite the cold. When she was awake and the memories came, she could shut them out, fight them off, run away from them…but at night, she was defenseless. Powerless. Helpless. Just like she had been when she was ten.

_Do you ever dream about it, Lilly? _

_No…no, I don't._

_Uh-huh…keep tellin' yourself that._

Her recurring nightmare, the one she'd been having since she was ten, had, nearly three years back, become forever intertwined with a different nightmare, one in which she looked over the barrel of the gun that was pointed at her heart into the purest form of evil she'd ever seen…

"No," she insisted so sharply she saw her boss jump. "I'm not leavin' until we close this case. I don't care how long it takes."

"Lil, you're…" Stillman began.

"I'm not tired," she protested. Truthfully, she wasn't. She supposed if she stopped long enough to realize that she'd been at work for a full eighteen hours with no sleep since Friday night, she'd be forced to admit that perhaps, she was a little tired…but sleeping simply wasn't an option. No matter how tired she got. Not until that box had "Closed" written on the side of it and she'd seen Annie Potter smiling at her. Then…maybe the nightmares wouldn't haunt her.

Before Stillman could argue, Lilly was several feet ahead of him, walking as fast as she could to get to the next house on her list. He didn't mention anything until they got back in the car, and she sighed and took a grateful sip of coffee from the travel mug she'd left in the cup holder.

Stillman slid the key into the ignition, then turned to face Lilly.

"Does Scotty know?" he asked her quietly.

"About the station wagon?" Lilly replied blankly. "I doubt it…I haven't talked to him all afternoon. I think he and Jeffries were supposed to--"

"Does Scotty _know?_" he asked again, and Lilly stopped, not even daring to breathe, frozen in panic as she realized exactly what Stillman was talking about.

She'd considered telling him…but that was before. That was before she knew how Scotty had looked at her after he met her mother, and he didn't even know the half of it. That was before the last few weeks, when Scotty had been wrestling with something in his mind and had finally, finally come back to her.

That was before she realized just how terrifying reliving her nightmare would be.

She had to keep it hidden. Had to keep it a secret. She couldn't tell him. Couldn't go through it again. Couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes if he knew. It would tear him apart, and he'd see her as that powerless, helpless, defenseless little girl she had been once and had sworn never to be again.

She couldn't tell him.

"Let's go back downtown and see if we can find out how many people around here owned dark blue station wagons," she suggested coolly, and by the way that mask had slipped over her porcelain features, Stillman got his answer.

* * *

When he returned from his interview with Lilly, Stillman found the other detectives still hard at work. Lilly plunged right in, grabbing Jeffries for a trip to Records to start digging through vehicle registrations, hoping the blue station wagon might prove to be a solid lead.

After they'd left, Stillman grabbed a mug of coffee, sipped it gratefully, then checked in with the others on their progress.

"Me and Miller were just about to head out, Boss," Scotty informed him with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. "She tracked down Annie's best friend from school; we're gonna go talk to her and see if she remembers anything."

"Good work, Miller," Stillman congratulated her, then turned back to Scotty. "Can I have a word with you?" he asked softly.

Scotty frowned slightly in confusion as he rose from his desk and started to follow Stillman to his office. "Yeah…sure thing, Boss."

Once inside the boss's office, Scotty glanced up nervously. "Everything okay?" he asked.

Stillman hesitated, not sure how much to reveal. Anything Scotty learned about the particulars, he knew, should come from Lilly herself.

"Lil's…havin' a rough time with this job," Stillman began slowly.

Scotty was instantly alarmed. "It's gettin' worse?" he asked, all thoughts of the case instantly forgotten. "What happened?"

"Nothin', really," Stillman replied smoothly, avoiding Scotty's searching gaze, "just…she says she's not goin' home until this case is closed."

"One of those, huh?" Scotty asked knowingly, searching his brain for the last time Lilly had done anything like this.

"You could say that," Stillman answered. "Just…she's gonna need some dinner, some clean clothes…she won't leave here to get 'em. You…get where I'm goin' with this?" he asked.

"Loud and clear, Boss," Scotty replied, shooting Stillman a look of determination as he turned to go.

Once out in the squad room, Scotty tossed the file on Miller's desk as he grabbed his coat, and Kat frowned up at him in confusion.

"Boss…got a different angle on this?" she asked tentatively.

"Nah," Scotty answered. "Just…you're gonna have to do this one without me. I gotta go run a couple errands for Lil."

Vera's eyes widened in disbelief. Valens…was bailing on an interview…to run errands for _Rush? _

"And Boss is okay with that?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Scotty replied casually, not meeting Vera's eyes. "It was kinda his idea."

Even more flabbergasted than before, Vera turned his disbelieving stare onto Kat to find her uncharacteristically silent. "That okay with you?" he asked, hoping to provoke one of her trademark barrages of verbal abuse. Surely she'd say something to remind Valens of where his priorities should lie.

"That's fine," she said, not sounding even the least bit ruffled.

"Thanks, Miller," Scotty called over his shoulder as he practically sprinted out of the office. "Lemme know what you find out."

"Like he gives a shit," Vera muttered, glaring at Scotty's retreating figure.

"Oh, lay off him, Nick," Kat retorted in exasperation, leaving Vera to turn his gaze back to his girlfriend, wondering why the hell _he _was on the receiving end of her irritation, and not the people who actually deserved it.

"He's lookin' out for Lil," she explained in response to Vera's skeptical stare.

"Yeah, well…that ain't what he's gettin' the big bucks for," Vera griped. "He's supposed to be a cop."

"He _is_ a cop," Kat reminded Vera patiently. "But he's also a man in love." She grinned at Vera slyly. "Not that you'd have any idea what that's like," she added, a ghost of a twinkle in her eyes.

Vera smiled. "Not at all," he replied sarcastically, feeling his irritation fade at the sight of her grin. It was the first one he'd seen from her all day.

"Besides…I could use your company on this," she said softly. "Rather spend some time with you than Man Candy any day of the week."

"Well, when you put it that way…" he replied with a grin.

"Grab dinner at that little barbecue place you like," she continued, and Vera's grin widened.

"Screw Valens," he announced, shrugging into his coat.

"That's the spirit," Kat replied as she rose from her desk with a relieved sigh.

* * *

When Scotty creaked open the door to Lilly's apartment, the cats were waiting for him. Tripod instantly wound herself around his legs, while Olivia peered behind him, looking carefully out of her one eye for any sign of Lilly.

"Sorry, ladies," he apologized to the cats, stepping over Tripod to get all the way into the apartment. "Lil ain't comin' home for a while. You get me instead."

This seemed fine with Tripod, who purred wildly as she trotted after Scotty, but Olivia just glared at him, causing Scotty to chuckle. He'd once been downright afraid of these creatures, but now, he just found them amusing. Tripod, almost from the very beginning, had practically adopted him as _hers_, always sleeping on his side of the bed when he stayed over and preferring to sit in his lap when given a choice, while Olivia seemed merely to tolerate him for the sake of Lilly. _I'll share her, _the cat's fiery glare seemed to say, _but I'm not happy about it. And if you ever make her cry, I'll scratch your eyes out._

Scotty poured some food into the cats' bowls, gave them clean water, and scooped out the litter box, then hurried upstairs to the bedroom, where he grabbed a change of clothes for Lilly, then fished around in the closet for a couple of the extra shirts and ties he'd left at her place. He'd learned, after a few early morning phone calls from Stillman, that it was far more expedient to leave some work clothes in Lilly's closet than to have to run home and change before going in, and, after a while, she'd done the same at his apartment. They hadn't really ever spoken of their arrangement, it simply…_was, _and that had been enough.

While he was in the bathroom gathering up some essentials for Lilly, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and was stunned to see the two days' worth of stubble that shadowed his jawline, the dark circles that ringed his sunken eyes, and his disheveled hair and rumpled clothing. _You look like shit, Valens, _he remarked to himself with a rueful smile, then spied the shower and stopped for a moment, realizing that he had an opportunity, one that he had no idea when the hell he'd get again, and knowing that, all-nighters or not, he had to at least look presentable when going out on interviews.

Once inside, he let the hot water wash over him for a few moments, then blindly reached for a shampoo bottle, realizing, too late, that he'd grabbed Lilly's shampoo by mistake instead of the bottle he'd brought over. He'd used Lilly's shampoo once in a pinch and had, to his chagrin, smelled like some kind of freakin' flower the rest of the day. That scent was dizzily intoxicating on Lilly, but he couldn't say the same for it on him. Vera, for one, hadn't let him hear the end of it.

It was that memory that made Scotty glance down and realize that he had, in fact, squeezed a healthy dollop of that purple floral-scented shampoo into his hand instead of his usual…well…he couldn't place the scent, really, but there was nothing flowery about it, and it definitely wasn't purple. It was _man_ shampoo, dammit.

"_Man_ shampoo?" Lilly had teased when he'd brought over the bottle the next day.

"Hey, you didn't get a day's worth of Vera sayin' you smell like summer in a bowl," he'd retorted with a grin.

Scotty chuckled ruefully at the memory as he began to rinse Lilly's shampoo down the drain, but his amusement was short-lived. Just a whiff of that alluring floral scent reminded him, in a profound way, that underneath all his worry about her, underneath all the concern that he had over her emotional state…was a profound sense of loss. He _missed _her. Missed the way she'd often catch his eye across the room with just the barest hint of a mischievous twinkle in hers, missed the way he could always make her laugh, missed that dazzling smile she reserved just for him. Even in the thick of things at work, even when her mind was on other things, she was _there._

With this case, though…she wasn't. She'd gone somewhere, retreated behind those thick concrete walls, and Scotty had no idea what to do about it.

He decided, as he grabbed the correct bottle of shampoo and began to work the suds through his hair, that perhaps he just needed to remind her that, even though it was a horrible, heart-wrenching case, it would be over soon. It wasn't the end of the world. And she still had him. No matter what.

But…did he still have her?

* * *

Less than an hour later, Scotty returned to the office with a surefire combination of things he knew stood a decent chance of cheering Lilly up: clean clothes, some dinner from her favorite Chinese place, and the largest Triple Americano the coffee shop had to offer. If anything could distract her from the case, even for a moment, and give him just a glimpse of the Lilly he knew, it would be those things.

"Brought you some clean clothes and some dinner," he announced, placing a couple of bags on the small patch of her desk that wasn't covered in vehicle registration records. "And some coffee."

Without even looking up, Lilly muttered something, though whether it was thanking him or making some comment about the case, he couldn't quite tell, so he just sat down and dug into his Kung Pao shrimp, having realized in the car on the way back to work that he was absolutely starving. Once he'd finished, he set the container to the side and glanced over at Lilly, realizing, to his dismay, that the dinner and the coffee still sat on her desk, completely untouched. His heart sank, and he felt it sinking even further as he studied her for a few moments. The lack of sleep was beginning to show on her face; she looked more careworn than he'd ever seen her. Her eyes were bloodshot and ringed with dark circles, and the adorable ponytail she'd arrived with the night before was a disheveled shadow of its former self. Scotty sighed. If he could just get her to relax, even for a few minutes, maybe she'd see that there was more to life than this case, important as it was.

On sudden inspiration, he got up, went over to Lilly, and began to gently massage her shoulders, which were so tense they felt like two-by-fours. Realizing that some tender loving care was sorely needed, he massaged for a few seconds, expecting her to melt into his touch like she usually did, to lean back in her chair and purr with delight, to flash him that dazzling smile and maybe kiss his fingertips like she did sometimes.

But Lilly did none of those things. After a few seconds, during which she almost seemed to endure his ministrations rather than enjoy them, she hunched her shoulders even more and leaned away from him. Scotty dove in for a quick kiss on her cheek, but she leaned away from that, too.

That did it.

"Lil, what the hell's goin' on with you?" he demanded, the exhaustion, stress, and loneliness making his voice much harsher than he'd intended it to be.

"An evil, nasty bitch of a case," Lilly replied without looking up from the records she'd been poring through. Scotty, at this point, was more a nuisance to her than anything else, a fly buzzing around the room trying to distract her from her mission, which was to solve this case, get that bastard off the streets, get through her own personal hell without falling apart, and, hopefully, be done with it once and for all.

"That ain't everything that's goin' on," she heard Scotty insist through the fog of her thoughts, and, after a few seconds, his impatience managed to cut through the haze and she finally looked up to see him gazing at her with confusion and concern.

"A strangled ten-year-old girl isn't enough for you?" she demanded, her voice shot through with irritation and her eyes doing their best to fix him with the Ice Queen stare, though, in her fatigued state, it didn't come as quickly as usual.

Scotty sighed and raked a hand through his hair, willing himself to calm down.

"Lil…is it somethin' I did?" he asked softly, almost helplessly, wracking his brain once more for anything, anything at all, that might have provoked this kind of reaction from her. "'Cause I can fix if you just tell me--"

"For God's sake, Scotty," Lilly interrupted him snappishly. "Everything is _not _about _you_!"

"So it's about _you,_ then," Scotty flung back without thinking, his eyes beginning to flash with anger.

_Shit_, Lilly exclaimed inwardly. It appeared that burying herself in the case to hide from the fact that it was eating her alive had, in fact, backfired, and Scotty had figured out that something was up. She was alarmed for just the briefest of seconds before recovering her composure and lying through her teeth.

"No," she proclaimed coolly.

Stunned at the emotions he'd just seen flickering across Lilly's face, Scotty's anger rapidly gave way to shock, and he studied his girlfriend carefully. If he hadn't known her so well, hadn't spent so many months staring into those oceanic pools of blue, he'd have missed that brief little flicker, that microscopic moment in time where she was unguarded, where her walls had been momentarily breached, would have missed the chilling truth that tiny glance contained.

Holy mother of God…it _was _about her.

Scotty's mind was spinning with this new information. He'd been able to figure out that there was something about this case, something that was hitting Lilly harder than usual, but somehow it had never really occurred to him that it might hit her this close to home. He didn't know much more than he did, and yet he felt like he knew the situation in a whole new light. He couldn't bear, at that moment, to imagine the possibilities as to _why_ it was about her, because, exhausted as he was, he knew his mind would run away with him, so he ordered it to stay quiet. Even so, the questions were buzzing around his brain almost incessantly, like a swarm of insects, but he knew now was far from the right time to press her further.

Lilly glanced up from the file again, relieved that Scotty had finally shut up, and found him standing there, staring at her, wide-eyed with curiosity and alarm. Lilly's heart sank. He'd seen through her lie. He knew something. She didn't know how much he knew, but she figured there was no way he could guess on his own, especially with the questions glittering in his sunken eyes, questions that were just begging to be voiced, questions she had to nip in the bud if she wanted any chance at all of keeping her horrible secret just that.

"Lil," he began softly, his voice devoid of anger and rife instead with apprehension and compassion. "If you--"

"We have a dead ten-year-old girl, a family who's been waiting sixteen years for answers, and a bastard out on the streets who's getting away with murder. If you wanna go home, that's fine, but if you're stayin' here, we're working," she informed him almost angrily.

Stung by her vehemence, Scotty blinked in surprise, even more taken aback than before. Whatever her secret was, whatever pain she still carried, she was clinging to like a stubborn toddler clung to a toy. He'd never seen her like this, and, quite frankly, he had no idea what to do with it.

But one thing he instinctively knew: she shouldn't be alone. He couldn't leave her with whatever horrors lay in her past, couldn't leave her alone with this case, this doer, this nightmare all by herself. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep a wink anyway, not now, so he decided, then and there, to stay. No matter how long she stayed, no matter how many gallons of coffee he had to drink to keep up with her, if that was what she wanted, if that was what she needed, then that was what she'd get from him.

"Fine," he replied quietly, then sat back down at his desk.

"Take a look at this," Lilly began as she handed him one of the registration forms, her voice calm and fully under control, as though the near-fight they'd just had had never even happened.

Scotty sighed in defeat as he took the sheet of paper. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how "in this" Lilly was, there was a part of her heart that would remain forever walled off to him, and that part, for whatever reason, had taken over. He'd ponder the ramifications of this later, he decided, when he wasn't running on caffeine and adrenaline…but for the moment, he willed his runaway thoughts back to the matter at hand.


	23. Kryptonite

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. The way they're acting, I'm not sure I'd really want to.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Kryptonite**

_If I go crazy then will you still  
Call me Superman  
If I'm alive and well, will you be  
There holding my hand  
_

As the evening wore on, Lilly continued to work at a feverish pace, gathering as much evidence as she could on the station wagon owner for their second interview with him the next day. The case took an interesting turn when Jeffries delivered the news that the man, Ennis Prater, had been arrested for the attempted abduction of a twelve-year-old girl in 1992, which sent Lilly and Kat down to the evidence warehouse for the grim task of sorting through the boxes once more, seeing if perhaps they could pin any other cold jobs on this one.

They worked in silence, each woman absorbed in the case for her own zealous reasons, yet each trying to avoid thinking about those reasons, lest they fall apart. Kat realized, as she and Lilly sorted through the boxes, that whatever was going on with Rush was definitely taking a toll on her, but she also knew from the grimly determined gleam in the other woman's blue eyes that she'd better not ask about it. That gleam was probably similar to the one in her own, she mused with a wry grin, and then she uncovered a box that made her blood run cold.

"Take a look at this, Lil," Kat said as she approached her colleague. "Another little girl, same area, four years earlier. Broken jaw, strangled, same as our victim." She handed Lilly the file she'd pulled from the box. "I'm gonna go see if I can dig up anything else about this one," she announced, and then was gone.

Lilly waited until she heard Miller's footsteps retreating up the stairs, then sighed, opened up the file, and was immediately confronted with the scene photo. Another little girl, beaten and strangled and left for dead. Blanching as she took in the details, Lilly flipped a page in the file, began reading the autopsy report, and steeled herself for another inevitable wave of unwelcome memories.

"_Fractured jaw, five broken teeth…pretty little face not so pretty when he got done with you…" George was almost gleeful as he made her recount every horrifying detail of her attack. Every sickening bit as gleeful as the man who kept hitting her and hitting her…and laughing…_

She didn't know Scotty was even in the room until he was standing behind her.

"Lil?" Scotty asked, and was shocked to see her practically jump and whirl around to face him, her eyes radiating sheer panic and her skin even paler than usual. She gasped, then sighed shakily when she realized it was him, clutching her chest and looking everywhere but at him.

"Scotty," she finally replied when she'd regained the ability to breathe, her voice strained with the effort of sounding casual. "You…you startled me." Her smile was weak and shaky, and it didn't even come close to reaching her eyes.

Scotty studied her carefully as she hastily tucked a wisp of blonde hair behind her ear and attempted to returned her eyes to the autopsy report she'd been reading, but quickly flitted them to the floor.

"Found another possible victim," she explained, thrusting the report at him as though it were a poisonous snake and trying in vain to disguise the fact that her hands were trembling uncontrollably.

"Lil," Scotty began, taking the report from her without so much as a glance at it, then closing the gap between them. "What's goin' on?"

"Nothing," Lilly replied dismissively, with another half-hearted attempt at a smile. "Just this…damn case."

Scotty raked a hand through his hair, his compassion flaring into frustration almost instantly. "Dammit, Lil," he exclaimed, "that is _bullshit_. You know it, and I know it."

"I'm _fine."_ Lilly protested, though her voice tight with panic.

He glanced up at her, his frustration waging a battle with sympathy and, underneath it all, the agonizing sense of sheer helplessness, the kind of helplessness he hadn't felt since the day Elisa had told him she was giving up, and that made him suddenly feel like crying.

"Lil," he began, his voice sounding thick and strange to his ears. "I dunno why this case is gettin' to you so bad…but if you'll just tell me, I swear to God I'll--"

"There's nothing to tell," Lilly insisted icily, glaring at him briefly. "Now, the victim--"

"Goddammit, Lil," Scotty roared, tears beginning to sting his eyes as the words tore raggedly from his throat. "It's like I don't even know you anymore! Why the hell won't you just let me in? God, I'd give anything to take this away from you, but you just--"

"Scotty!" Lilly's voice was sharp, and it cut through his rant. He glanced up at her, a strange mixture of rage and anguish radiating from his dark eyes, his expression tortured, and she was forced to look away. It would break her heart, or whatever was left of it, to see his pain…when she was still so deeply entrenched in her own. If he kept going the way he was going, kept looking at her like that, he'd break her in seconds. And she couldn't let him. Not here…not at work, not when they'd gone two days with no sleep. Not when the memories threatened to drown her. Telling him would destroy who she was, everything she'd worked so hard to become, and she _couldn't._

"You can't…save me from this," she informed him quietly, hoping she didn't hear how tremulous her voice was. "I love you, Scotty, but…you can't act like my boyfriend right now." She hoped to God he'd understand what she meant…that she simply couldn't tell him what he so desperately seemed to want to know, for God alone knew what reason.

Scotty glared at her for a moment, then turned away from her, boring holes with his eyes in the rows upon rows of evidence boxes.

"Well…that's just _perfect_," he spat sarcastically. "There some kinda schedule, some kinda _calendar _that tells me when I can and can't act like your boyfriend? You want me to love you just when it's convenient for you? Because I can't do that, Lil. I love you with all my heart, but if you can't see that, if you can't let me in, if you can't…" he trailed off, swallowing against the lump in his throat as he turned back to face her, "…then…I dunno what the hell we're doin' here."

Lilly stared at him in disbelief. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Was he leaving her? Was he about to issue her another ultimatum? _Tell me your worst secret, relive your worst nightmare, right here, right now, or we're done?_

Waves of panic began to crash through Lilly as she stood there, frantically trying to figure out what he was saying without giving anything away. She knew what he wanted, but…here he was, standing there, having found out that this case was personal for her mere hours before, and now he was practically interrogating her about it, rocketing her right back to that dark attic where someone else forced his way into the place where she kept all her secrets, and bruising her already wounded heart in the process. And if she couldn't trust him not to hurt her now, not to break her heart when she was at her most vulnerable, when she was reliving her worst nightmares, before he even knew about them…how the hell could she ever trust him enough to tell him?

But if he left her, whether he knew what happened or not…oh, _please, God…not that…._

Tears began to sting her eyes as panic began to flood through her anew, of glimpses of a life without him began to float through her head. She couldn't lose Scotty. She couldn't face life without his touch, without his smile, without the sound of his voice…she_ needed_ him. Desperately.

"Scotty, _please,_" Lilly begged, and he looked up at the raw pain that was shredding her voice, at the anguish and sheer helplessness that shimmered with the unshed tears in her eyes, giving him the first glimpse of the real Lilly he'd had in two days. Check that…this was a Lilly he'd never seen before. She was open. She was vulnerable. She was in more pain than he'd ever seen her, her heart broken before him, and he stopped dead in his tracks, instantly contrite.

"Lil…" he whispered brokenly, hoping to God, as tears filled his own eyes, that he hadn't just screwed this up beyond all possible repair. "God, I just…I wanna help you." He stepped toward her and gently caressed her cheek with his thumb, gazing deeply into her eyes.

_I just wanna help you._ Oh, how she wanted to believe that that was true, and how badly part of her wanted to just surrender and let him. And then, his fingers slipped lower, trailing along her jawline, inching closer and closer to where it had been fractured, and she realized, instantly, that she couldn't go through with it. His definition of "helping" her was making her relive her nightmare. Making her walk him through that dark, horrible night step by step, recounting every punch, every slap, every wound…God, just the way he was looking at her right now reminded her why she couldn't tell him. She was weak in his eyes. Vulnerable. She'd let her walls down for just a moment, and here he was, looking at her like a damsel in distress, like she couldn't take care of herself…

Scotty read the expression in her eyes, saw those walls starting to crumble just the tiniest bit, but then, almost as though a switch was flipped, she flinched and leaned her face away from him. As her body tensed, the openness that had been in her eyes, the window into the real Lilly, closed almost instantly, and she stepped away from him.

"If you want to help me," she began, her voice suddenly under firm control and edged with an iciness that simultaneously broke Scotty's heart and made him want to tear his hair out, "then you'll help me find this son of a bitch and put him behind bars where he belongs."

_Help me run, Scotty. Help me fight this off. _

_Make it so I don't have to tell you._

Before Scotty even had a chance to respond, Lilly had turned her back on him and disappeared up the stairs. He stood motionless for a second, completely stunned at what had just transpired, then let out a howl of frustration and drove his fist into one of the evidence boxes. He had come so close…so _damn _close, to seeing the real Lilly, to finally breaking through those concrete walls…and then she'd shut him out, patched the cracks like they'd never even been there, and gone on her merry way like nothing had happened, as though she hadn't been on the verge of tears mere seconds before.

And Scotty had no idea _why. _He had no idea why what he'd done, what he'd said, had provoked that kind of reaction from her; the tears, the iciness, nor did he have any idea why any of this case meant that he was on the outside of her heart looking in. Why the hell wouldn't she just let him in on what was bothering her, so then maybe he stood a chance of not crapping all over her heart with what he said?

That old, familiar sense of helplessness was threatening, creeping up on his heart and promising to drown him once more. He'd spent most of his life fighting that helplessness, fighting against that sick sense in the pit of his stomach that he'd had ever since the day he noticed his brother wasn't home from practice yet and went to find him, that day he'd peeked into the coach's office window and saw what had haunted him, off and on, for twenty-five years. That feeling had only increased every single day, every single moment of Elisa's sickness, in the dead of night when the giants would invade her dreams and cause her to leap from bed and cower in the corner. It had made his blood run cold the moment Ana had told him she was making her last run for Ramiro; he knew what Ramiro would do to her, had seen his wrath inflicted on other girls, and the idea that his Ana might be next was more than he could bear.

And now Lilly…something about this case was haunting her, causing her to be in more pain than he'd ever seen her. He knew that, whatever it was that had caused her that pain in the first place was in the past, that he could wish all he wanted and he wouldn't be able to change what had happened, but this, here, now, he _could _do something about, and she wouldn't let him.

He couldn't decide whether to scream, punch the box again, or sink to the floor and let the hot tears that still stung his eyes finally have their way with him, and was about to settle on some sort of bizarre combination of all three of those things, when a snatch of their earlier conversation somehow wormed its way through his seething emotions and reminded him that, yes, actually, there _was _something he could do.

_If you want to help me…then you'll help me find this son of a bitch and put him behind bars where he belongs._

Scotty stopped dead in his tracks, her words echoing around his mind. Lilly had handed him exactly what he wanted, practically on a silver platter: an opportunity to help her. As he pondered this new realization, the helplessness rapidly began to give way to the fiercest determination he'd ever felt in his life. It wasn't necessarily the way he would have chosen to help Lilly, but it was a way nonetheless. So, he decided, come hell or high water, he would. He wrapped his emotions up into a dark, heavy ball and stuffed them down into the depths of himself, forbidding them to come out again until his job was finished. If what she needed was to get this bastard behind bars, so be it, and if Scotty had anything to do with it, Ennis Prater would enter lockup bearing some serious injuries, not only as retribution for what he'd done to Annie Potter and whichever other little girls he'd killed, but for what he'd done to Lilly, to him, to _them. _

His eyes darkened to ebony and glittering with renewed zeal, he grabbed the evidence box Lilly had abandoned and started to go through it. This bastard wouldn't get away with anything. Not this time.

* * *

A couple hours later, Scotty had uncovered a couple more girls that had gone missing within a few years of Annie Potter, and although one of them was determined to be unrelated, there was still a possibility with the other.

"You bring that box up yet?" Scotty asked Vera as he packed up the box.

"I think Miller was gonna go get it," Vera replied, taking the box from his colleague. "I'll go check on her…she's been down there a while."

Scotty nodded, and Vera headed down the stairs, hoping beyond hope that someday, they'd get to re-open that box, this time with a solid lead.

"Kat?" he called softly, not seeing any sign of his girlfriend, but then he saw her, and stopped dead in his tracks with a sympathetic smile. Kat was seated on the floor, clutching their other possible victim's Missing poster in her hand…and she was sound asleep.

He chuckled to himself and headed over, but the closer he got, the more alarmed he became. She was asleep, yes, but it sure wasn't a peaceful sleep. She was tossing her head back and forth and muttering something; he couldn't make out quite what it was, but the way her face was contorted in sheer terror spurred him into action. He crossed the room in about a step and began to shake her gently.

"Kat," he said quietly, but firmly as he gripped her shoulders. "You're havin' a nightmare. Wake up."

After a few moments, her eyes flew open, wide with fright, dazed and unseeing for a moment, and then, finally, they seemed to focus on his.

"Where's Veronica?" she demanded. "You haven't seen her, have you?"

"No..." Vera replied, puzzled. "But I just talked to your mom a few minutes ago, and V's fine. She did her homework and went to bed at 9:30 like she's supposed to."

Kat slumped toward Vera in relief. "Thank God," she breathed, and all Vera could do was catch and hold her, not wanting to press her to talk if she didn't want to, just letting her know he was there if she did.

"I wanna go home," she said again, softly, and Vera wrapped his arms around her tightly as she lifted a shaky hand to wipe her brow.

"It's almost midnight," Vera pointed out with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "We've been here for a full 24 hours. I think we've earned that much."

Kat sighed. She supposed she should have felt some sort of relief, but instead of the guilt she'd been feeling for being away from her daughter, she was now starting to feel guilty for contemplating leaving work with that bastard Prater still out on the streets. _That's the one thing nobody ever warned me about when I went back to work, _she mused bitterly. _The guilt._

She glanced up at Vera, seeking his eyes for reassurance, which he gave with a grin. "C'mon," he repeated, helping her to her feet. "Let's go see our little girl."

* * *

Scotty sat at his desk, poring over some of the original interview notes, trying to find something, anything, any mention whatsoever of a blue station wagon, or Ennis Prater, or anyone even vaguely resembling him. Anything to help. The sooner this damn case was solved and back on the shelf, the sooner he and Lilly stood a chance of not breaking each other's hearts any more than they already had.

No. He couldn't think about Lilly right now. If he did that, he'd fall apart. He had to take all his anxiety and hurt and anger over what was going on with her and channel it into the case. So channel he did. He had no idea how much time had passed between his confrontation with her in the evidence room, no clue even what time it was. He had a mug of coffee to his right, but hadn't bothered to take a sip in so long that he'd forgotten it was even there. He was sure other detectives were still milling about; he wasn't aware that any of them had gone home, but they were only on the furthest fringes of his conscious mind, present only when one of them was actually talking to him about the case. He and Lilly had even had a brief conversation, but it was strictly about the case, and they had retreated so far behind their respective walls that Scotty could barely even see her, even though she'd been standing right in front of him. She wasn't Lilly, his girlfriend, right now. She was just another co-worker, another cog in the machine, another warm body on this horrible fucking case that was threatening practically everything they held dear. When the case was closed, then and only then, would he go back and try to repair what had been broken. This was how she'd said he could help, so, goddammit, he was helping.

His focus was broken slightly by the slap of a file on his desk and an exhausted sigh from his partner. "I'm callin' it a night," she informed him softly.

Scotty didn't even look up. "Already?" he scoffed.

"It's past midnight," Kat protested, her voice weary, but still incredulous. "I haven't been home in over 24 hours."

"Me neither," Scotty retorted as he scribbled a few notes. "But I ain't whinin' about it." He shot his partner a brief glare, then decided it wasn't worth the effort, so he returned his eyes to the page.

Kat's jaw dropped, and she was so stunned that no words would come out. Vera saw this and stepped in, his eyes glittering with anger.

"Yeah…that's 'cause the only thing in the world you give a rat's ass about is right here," he shot back.

Scotty sighed impatiently and glanced up from his notes again. "Yeah. My job. My job is here. So's yours, in case you've forgotten."

Vera glared at Scotty, but decided he had bigger fish to fry at that moment than tearing his girlfriend's partner a new one, so he turned to go and waved a hand through the air as though to dismiss Valens from his mind entirely.

"Whatever," he replied as he grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair. "I'm leavin', too."

"Oh," Scotty rejoined. "Playin' the casserole card again? 'Cause…I thought casserole night was on Thursdays."

"Casserole got cold five hours ago, jackass," Vera retorted through clenched teeth. It wasn't the best retort he could come up with, but he was so stunned, and pissed off, at Scotty's behavior that it was the best he could do at the moment.

Scotty glared at both his co-workers, then sighed and flipped a page in his notebook.

"You all don't care about a beaten, strangled ten-year-old girl, fine," he groused, oblivious to the way his partner suddenly flinched. "Go home. Enjoy your fuckin' casserole. Oh, and lemme know how the Eagles did."

Vera saw Kat's reaction, saw the color draining from her face, saw, if he wasn't mistaken, the sheen of tears in her eyes again, and he glared once more at Scotty.

"If Rush weren't stayin' all night, your ass woulda been on the couch watchin' the Eagles with her and then screwin' her brains out, so don't get all holier-than-thou with me," he ordered, leaning on Scotty's desk and almost daring his colleague to meet his angry stare.

"Nick," Kat warned, her eyes shooting as many sparks as they could muster, and he glanced at her, then raised himself up off the desk and backed up a few steps.

"No," Scotty replied evenly, not wanting to give this ridiculous matter any more attention than it deserved. "I'd be here because the son of a bitch who killed a little girl is still out there on the streets somewhere, and I know that I, for one, ain't gonna be able to sleep until he's payin' for what he did. Are we all forgettin' what's important here?" he asked, glancing at the two of them before diving back into the case again.

His accusation punched Kat in the gut, and she sucked in a breath as images from her nightmare began to float through her mind, the guilt increasing by the second.

_Missing: Veronica Miller_

_Age: 10_

_Race: Black_

_Last seen…_

"I am," she announced quietly.

"What?" Vera asked incredulously, tearing his eyes away from Scotty to see, to his horror, that his girlfriend's face had drained of practically all its color, and her eyes contained a hollow, haunted look.

"I'm forgetting," Kat repeated with a bit more determination. "And I'm staying. I have a job to do." Without further ado, she grabbed the file she'd just dropped onto Scotty's desk, took it back to her own, and opened it back up, gulping some coffee and returning to work mode just as quickly as she'd left it.

Vera was absolutely flabbergasted. Moments before, she'd been desperate to go home and hug Veronica, and now her daughter seemed to be the furthest thing from her mind. He glanced incredulously from Kat to Scotty and back again, seeing, to his extreme dismay, the same dark, intensely focused look he'd seen in Valens' eyes now reflected in Kat's. What the hell was going on here? Was the whole squad going mad? Was it some kind of contagious disease? Was he next?

"I don't believe it," he muttered as he went over to Kat's desk, Scotty, for the moment, completely forgotten. "I don't friggin' believe it."

"You don't have to stay," Kat told him evenly, not looking up from the file. "You can go home if you want."

"And leave you here?" he repeated in a fierce whisper, glancing warily at Scotty. "No way. No way in hell." He'd seen what Kat had been through in the last twenty-four hours, and nothing in the world could convince him it was a good idea to leave her alone with the King of Insensitivity while he got his beauty sleep. No way in hell. Not on his watch.

"Then sit down and help me with this," she ordered quietly.

Vera cast one last helpless glance around the squad room, wondering once again what the hell kind of virus had inflicted all his co-workers, and then grudgingly started digging through the files again.

* * *

Several hours later, Vera trudged into the kitchen for yet another cup of coffee. At this point, he had no idea how much he'd had, he just knew that the coffee maker seemed to be constantly percolating, yet constantly empty. He wasn't sure exactly what time it was, nor would he allow himself to check, because that would just piss him off even more, but the streaks of daylight beginning to paint the sky over downtown Philadelphia told him that they'd managed to spend yet another night in that damn office. Another night away from their families. Not that…any of them had families to speak of, except for Kat…and, more recently…except for him. When he stopped to think about it, Vera was startled by how much he'd come to love not only Kat, but her daughter as well. Veronica was so like her mother in every way that it was impossible not to, he realized with a wry grin.

He sighed as he glanced through the window at his girlfriend. After their first few hours, she'd nearly been in tears, wanting to go home and be with Veronica, and he'd gently reminded her that, although that was what they both wanted, they couldn't do that. She was fine for the rest of the day, until he'd spied her having that nightmare; he wasn't sure what it was about, as she still hadn't told him, but he had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with V. He was even more certain when another ill-advised comment by their resident jackass seemed to flip a switch with Kat; to ignite the fire once more, to turn her from wanting nothing more than to go home and hold her little girl to becoming every bit as obsessed with this case as Rush and Valens seemed to be. Vera was all for solving the case, of course he was, but this fierce, almost possessed determination he'd seen from his girlfriend and his two colleagues that night…that was new.

As he prepared to leave the kitchen, Vera glanced over and spied the open box of donuts. Someone, he didn't have a clue who, had gone out a few hours ago to replenish the supply, and yet they were almost gone. Except for one. A chocolate twirl. Kat's favorite kind.

Grinning to himself, Vera filled another mug of coffee and brought it out to the squad room, then placed his mug at his own desk and placed the other mug next to Kat.

"There's one donut left," he told her quietly. "Chocolate twirl."

"Thank God," Kat replied, looking up from her work for the first time in what seemed like hours and rolling her shoulders to relieve some of the nearly paralyzing tension that came from being hunched over her desk all night. "I'm starving."

Vera sighed. He couldn't do much…couldn't do a damn thing about a dead ten-year-old girl, couldn't help the fact that Kat was more upset about this case than she'd ever been about anything, ever, couldn't promise that nothing bad would ever happen to Veronica, no matter how badly every fiber of his being ached to do so…but this? This, he could do. And the smile that crossed her face…he'd do just about anything to see that smile.

Which was why his own self-satisfied grin faded as he saw Scotty stroll through the squad room taking an enormous bite out of that very same chocolate twirl donut.

He glanced down at Kat, fully expecting her to charge Scotty, slam him into the wall, and _take _that donut, or, at the very least, charm him out of it like he'd seen her do before…but all she did was sigh wearily, that gorgeous smile fading, taking with it the light it had brought to her face, that brief moment where he caught a glimpse of the real Kat Miller, and leaving absolutely no sign that any of those things had ever even been there.

"Is…that the last donut?" she asked, her voice heavy with defeat.

"Sure is," Scotty replied grouchily around his mouthful as he sat down at his desk. "You snooze, you lose, Miller."

Surely now. Surely she'd come back with some fantastic verbal ass-kicking, the likes of which Homicide had never seen before and would never see again. But, to Vera's utter astonishment, Kat said nothing, just sighed again, took a sip of coffee, and went back to her paperwork.

Oh, that was _it. _

Scotty took another bite of donut, grateful for the sugar rush he was sure would follow. Another long night had taken its toll, and he knew that if he stopped just for a second, he'd collapse, but he couldn't. None of them could. Not until that bastard was off the streets, and then whatever was tormenting Lilly would quiet back down, retreat into whatever hole it had crawled out of, and hopefully remain there, never to come out again.

He rifled through the papers that had been scattered across his desk for two days. So engrossed was he in his task that he didn't notice Vera standing there until a dark shadow fell across his desk.

"You mind movin' there, Nick?" he asked without looking up. "You're blockin' my light."

"Hand it over," Vera ordered quietly, staying firmly rooted to the spot.

"Nick," Kat began wearily from across the room, but neither man gave any indication that they'd heard her, or that they were even aware of her presence.

"Hand what over?" Scotty asked blankly, frowning at Vera in confusion.

"The donut," Vera continued. "Hand it over."

"Nick," Kat warned again, but once again, she was ignored. She sighed in defeat and fought the sudden urge to just flee the scene. She'd known from the second her boyfriend rose from his desk where this was headed, had seen it coming from the moment they'd started digging through those boxes in the warehouse, and she knew that there was no way she, in her exhausted, panic-ridden state, would be able to say a damn thing to talk him out of it.

Scotty chuckled in disbelief. "You're kiddin', right?"

"Hand…it…over," Vera repeated through clenched teeth.

Scotty blinked in surprise. "What the hell do you want with a half-eaten donut? There's some leftover coffee cake in the fridge," he replied. "Eat that."

Vera was about to shoot back when he sensed someone next to him and turned to see Kat, not with the usual sparks in her eyes that flew when she was angry with him, just that weary defeat he'd seen ever since they opened this damn case.

"You wanna cook your own goose on this one, fine," she snapped, with as much energy as she could muster, which, frankly, wasn't much. "But I'm outta here." Without waiting for a reply, she turned on her heel and fled the room.

Vera watched her go, then turned back to Scotty and just stared in disbelief. How the hell could Valens, having seen what he just saw, be so clueless that he actually thought this was about breakfast pastries? Oh. Right. Because he could only see one thing.

"How the hell would you even know about the coffee cake, anyway?" Vera demanded.

"'Cause I've been here bustin' my ass since Saturday night, tryin' to put Ennis Prater behind bars," Scotty retorted, feeling a surge of irritation. He had no idea what the hell had gotten into Vera lately, but whatever it was, it was disturbing his concentration and getting on his last nerve.

"News flash, Valens," Vera shot back. "Thanks to you, we _all_ have."

"Oh," Scotty said, his voice starting to rise. "So it's _my _fault you guys are still here? Last time I checked, it was 'cause some bastard decided to strangle a ten-year-old girl!"

Vera laughed, a dry, mirthless laugh. "Yeah, _that's _why you 've been puttin' in all this time," he replied sarcastically.

Scotty's eyes narrowed. "You got somethin' you wanna say to me, just say it," he ordered, tossing his pen to the desk and rising to meet Vera head-on. "You've been pussy-footin' around somethin' for two days, so just hit me with it already. Enough of this bullshit."

"Fine," Vera shouted. "You don't give a damn about this case, and you never have."

"How the fuck can you possibly say that?" Scotty roared back. "I've been here since Saturday night!"

"Oh, spare me the martyr act," Vera spat with a roll of his eyes. "You ain't the only one."

"Yeah, well, I ain't the one wantin' to clock out so I can go home for casserole night," Scotty retorted, his eyes shooting sparks. "Y'know, solvin' the murder of a ten-year-old girl is way the hell more important than anything else any of the rest of you have goin' on. Or have we forgotten that?"

"Oh, I know for damn sure _I_ ain't the one who's forgettin' about that," Vera flung back.

"Careful what you're implyin'," Scotty growled, his eyes dark with anger and his voice low and full of warning.

"Oh, I ain't _implyin' _it, I'm _sayin' _it," Vera shouted back. "You don't give a rat's ass about Annie Potter or any of those other girls! You think you're bein' this great cop, this superhero who's rightin' old wrongs, but that's total bullshit. The only thing you give a damn about is that precious girlfriend of yours. That's the only thing this whole _squad _gives a damn about!" he finished, his eyes sparking and his face flushed with anger.

"Because this case is torturin' her, in case you haven't noticed," Scotty replied, the heat of rage beginning to build in his chest. How dare Vera drag Lil into this?

"This case is torturin' _all _of us, jackass," Vera spat, his eyes flashing. "But you ain't seein' that. Nobody's seein' that. All you and Boss care about is your precious Lilly, while the rest of us are left to the wolves. Y'know, maybe it's all about Lil for you two, but the rest of us don't give a shit."

"This ain't about Lil. I've been here since Saturday doin' my _job," _Scotty insisted heatedly.

"Oh? Your job? Since when does your job description include runnin' errands for your girlfriend and leavin' work in the middle of the day to go feed those freaks of nature she calls cats?" Vera demanded.

"Oh, keep goin'," Scotty challenged, coming around the corner of his desk and inching closer to Vera. "Just keep talkin'."

Vera knew he was being baited, but he was simply too furious to care. The frustration had been brewing for far too long for him to keep a lid on it now.

"Your job, huh?" he replied, not backing off in the slightest. "Okay, smartass, who was the last witness I interviewed?"

Scotty froze, and Vera knew, in that brief, triumphant moment, that the truth had been revealed.

"You really don't know, do you?" he gloated. "So much for _that _theory."

"Y'know, maybe if you'd take your head outta your own ass for ten seconds," Scotty growled, "you'd realize that I've been so busy doin' _my _job that I don't have time to give a shit about yours."

"That's exactly the problem!" Vera shouted, smacking the desk for emphasis. "You don't even know what the hell your job _is _anymore! Y'know, that policy handbook is right; screwin' your partner really is a bad idea."

Scotty's jaw clenched, and he felt his muscles tensing and his hands balling into fists as the rage burned ever hotter. "Yeah?" he spat, his eyes narrowing even further. "Why's that?"

"It screws with your judgment, man," Vera shot back. "It forever compromises your ability to do this job right. No matter how hard you try to be impartial, you're always gonna be lookin' out for Lil first, and everyone else second."

"So you're sayin' me and Lil are a bad idea, huh?" Scotty roared. "That's what this is about? What are you, jealous?"

"I'm sayin' that she's makin' it so you're too damn involved with this case, you're in over your head, and you can't see the forest for the trees! And it sure ain't like you needed help in that department," he argued, giving Scotty a significant look.

The hot ball of rage in the center of his chest had nearly reached its boiling point, sending its searing heat spiraling throughout Scotty's whole body as he advanced on Vera once more. "What the hell's _that _supposed to mean?" he demanded, feeling a sense of dread at the answer.

"Ana Castilla is what I'm talkin' about," Vera answered, glaring fiercely at Scotty. "Same exact thing, gettin' so wrapped up in her you screwed the whole investigation. You yourself said you were sloppy, you got bad habits, and you gotta change," he reminded his colleague. "So…Extreme Makeover, Scotty Edition: how's that goin' for ya?"

Scotty leveled Vera with the most lethal glare he'd ever given anyone in his life. "No way in _hell_ are you flingin' that back in my face," he snarled, trying to fight back the waves of helplessness that were starting to resurface and mingle with his blinding rage.

"What're you gonna do about it?" Vera challenged, his gaze suggesting the tiniest hint of amusement.

When Scotty's fist connected with Vera's jaw, he got his answer.


	24. Come Home

**Disclaimer: Other than the fabulous Jimmy, I don't own these characters.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 24: Come Home

_And right now there's a war between the vanities  
But all I see is you and me  
The fight for you is all I've ever known  
So come home_

As he headed back into the building, Will Jeffries took a grateful sip of his caramel macchiato and admired the streaks of daylight that were starting to splash the sky as the city slowly began to wake up. The walk to the coffee shop, the chat with the always-entertaining Jimmy, the barista who seemed to be there, no matter what time of day or night the detectives stopped by, and just getting the hell out of the office for a few minutes had done him a world of good. He supposed theories about the case should have been tumbling around in his mind, and, for a good chunk of the past two days, they had, but, at the moment, his thoughts were elsewhere.

It was utterly inescapable how fractured things had become within the squad, he realized with a sinking heart as he took another drink of coffee. Over the last two days, he'd observed Rush and Miller plunging headfirst into the case, barely even stopping to eat. Although the fire of grim determination that burned in Lilly's eyes was a stark contrast to the panic-stricken, haunted look Miller had about her, they were both definitely running from something, Rush especially. He supposed that was why Valens had been hovering over his girlfriend like a mother hen…that is, when Stillman wasn't doing the same thing. She was never out of the sight of one of those two for even a moment. Jeffries could tell from the questions that swirled in Valens' eyes that he hadn't a clue why this case, more than any of the others, was causing Lilly to react the way she had, but her reaction, and his worry about her, was eating him alive nonetheless.

Vera, he noticed, had been sort of quiet, aside from the occasional jab at whoever happened to be present, but it wasn't his usual good-natured snark or sparring with Miller over donuts. His eyes frequently flashed with uncharacteristic anger, and his remarks were laced with a dangerous edge, an edge that let Jeffries know that Nick Vera wasn't happy about something. He and Valens especially had been sniping at one another, and not their usual friendly trash-talking, either, Jeffries had observed, though he wasn't exactly sure why. Taking another sip of his coffee, he sighed and tried to steer his mind back to the case. The sooner they solved that thing, he figured, the sooner everyone could get back to normal…or at least, whatever passed for normal in that particular group.

As he approached the squad room, however, Jeffries was startled to hear feral snarls, scraping chairs, and the occasional muffled obscenity. With a sense of dread filling his soul, he quickened his pace. What he saw when he entered the office made him freeze for a moment. Just for a moment.

Valens had Vera in a headlock, and Vera was taking wild swings at Scotty's midsection, all the while both men were growling insults and profanities at one another. Jeffries knew he should do something, _anything,_ but for a moment, all he could do was stand there, frozen to the floor in shock. He'd known things were getting bad, but he'd never in a million years have expected…_this._

As Jeffries continued to watch in stunned amazement, Scotty roared something unintelligible and managed to free himself enough to land another punch, causing Vera to stumble backwards onto a desk, spilling coffee all over the scattered notes and soaking a half-eaten chocolate twirl donut. When Vera retaliated by grabbing Scotty by the shirt, snarling another insult, and socking him in the jaw, Jeffries finally sprang into action. He set his coffee down on the nearest desk, crossed the room in about a step, and began the unenviable task of separating the two.

"What the hell's gotten into you?" he demanded angrily as he tried to pull them apart.

"Son of a bitch," Scotty snarled, murder in his eyes as he swung his fist wildly at Vera.

"Fuckin' tool," Vera replied, ducking Scotty's punch.

Within seconds, Jeffries had managed to separate them, holding his two struggling colleagues at arm's length.

"You two better have a damn good explanation for this," he began, shooting them both a disdainful glare and noticing that, finally, they seemed to be at least dimly aware of his presence.

"Ask Valens," Vera gasped angrily, brushing away blood from beneath his nose. "Oh, wait. Don't bother. He's not gonna have a clue about anything except what Rush looks like naked."

"I swear to God, Nick," Scotty growled breathlessly, then started to launch himself at Vera again.

"Hey, hey, hey, _hey, _" Jeffries interrupted loudly, separating the two once more and pushing them in opposite directions with so much force that Valens wound up with his back slammed against a filing cabinet, whereas Vera met a wall. With twin surprised grunts, the two combatants finally seemed to notice where they were, what they'd been doing, and just how unbelievably, ridiculously out of hand it had gotten.

"What the hell's goin' on here?" Jeffries demanded, looking at each in turn, prepared to separate them yet again should the need arise.

"He started it," Scotty panted, furiously raking a hand through his hair while shooting a fiery glare at Vera.

"Hey, I ain't the one who threw the first punch," Vera snapped in reply, his eyes wild with rage.

"I don't care who started it," Jeffries answered angrily, "I'm gonna finish it."

Before either of them could respond, Jeffries grabbed each man by the elbow, stopped briefly in the kitchen to grab a couple of ice packs from the freezer, and then hauled them toward the interview rooms, where he almost threw Vera into one and Scotty into the other.

"You two need to cool off," he declared as he flung an ice pack on the table in front of each one. "Sit down, put those on whatever hurts, and if I hear so much as a word outta either one of your sorry asses, I swear to God you're both gonna be missin' some teeth."

After a thoughtful pause, he asked, more softly, "Anybody…missin' any teeth already?"

"Oh, you _wish. _You don't hit hard enough to knock out teeth," came the surly reply from one interview room.

"Yeah, then how come you're bleedin'?" was the cocky retort from the other.

"Oh, for God's sake," Jeffries exclaimed in exasperation, slammed both doors, then headed out into the squad room to finish his coffee, figure out how the hell he was going to fix this mess, and wonder why the mess had to be his in the first place. As he sipped his coffee, he glanced around the empty squad room. Chairs were scattered everywhere, indicating that the scuffle had been going on long before he got there. Coffee was spilled, notes were ruined, a couple drops of blood were spattered on the floor. Jeffries sighed as he looked around the room, then cast a wistful glance in the direction of Stillman's empty office. Boss and Lil had gone out half an hour earlier to interview one more witness in a small town a couple hours away, so he knew the two of them would be gone for quite some time. Boss was gone, and two jackasses had damn near killed each other. Someone had to clean up this mess, Jeffries mused. Might as well be him.

Without another word, he drained his coffee, tossed the empty cup into the trash can, and headed back toward the interview rooms. For a moment, he stood in Observation, peeking from room to room and considering which idiot to try and talk some sense into first. Valens was still stalking the floor of his like a caged animal, brushing sweat from his upper lip and glaring with contempt at the ice pack as though it were the cause of all his ills, whereas Vera sat at the table of his room, still sulking, but subdued. Jeffries decided to start there.

"What the hell was that all about?" he demanded as he pushed open the door.

"Dunno why you're in here talkin' to me," Vera muttered darkly, glaring around the ice pack he held to his nose toward the one-way glass. "Valens is the one who needs to get his ass chewed out."

"Looks like you did a decent job of that yourself," Jeffries observed.

"He started it," Vera griped petulantly, gesturing toward the other interview room with a blood-stained handkerchief.

Jeffries looked at Vera incredulously. "Valens has been too wrapped up in this case to start anything," he argued. "What was all this about?"

Vera mumbled something incoherent, and Jeffries leaned in closer to catch it.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Damn Valens stole the last donut," was the muttered reply.

Jeffries sighed in exasperation. "You two were out there tryin' to kill each other over a _donut_?" he asked in disbelief.

"It's not just the donut," Vera protested.

"Well, thank God for the small things," Jeffries replied, rolling his eyes.

"Valens is so wrapped up in Lil he doesn't have time to think about anyone else," Vera complained, his voice rife with bitterness.

Jeffries sighed. "And who, exactly, is it that you think Valens oughta be thinkin' about?" he asked pointedly.

Vera was silent for a few moments, considering his options. He couldn't justify his actions, not fully, unless he spilled his secret. But Miller would kill him. Although, at this moment, the excellent reasons she'd given him for keeping things quiet were escaping him.

"His partner, perhaps?" Jeffries guessed, coolly meeting his colleague's eyes.

"Well, yeah," Vera replied, a bit more calmly as he lowered the ice pack from his face. "He's been here for two days straight, and he doesn't get why Miller needs to go home and be with her daughter. He's accusin' her and me both of not carin' about this case…nothin' could be further from the truth."

Jeffries nodded in agreement. "Dead ten-year-old girl…" he began softly. "Can't imagine anyone doesn't care about that."

"Yeah, well, _he_ doesn't," Vera responded accusingly, glaring toward the glass again. "All he cares about is Rush. Lil this, Lil that, gotta look out for Lil, gotta take care of Lil…dammit, doesn't he understand that there's more to this squad than just Lil?"

"Not at the moment, no," Jeffries confirmed.

"So how the hell can he be impartial?" Vera demanded, his eyes starting to spark with anger again.

"You think _any _of us can be impartial with a case like this?" Jeffries asked incredulously.

Vera sighed in defeat. "Just don't like him playin' favorites, is all," he complained.

"And you're not doin' exactly that?" Jeffries inquired softly, causing Vera's head to snap up in surprise.

"C'mon, Nick," Jeffries continued, his tone almost paternal. "I know exactly why you were savin' that donut, and I applaud you for it. You're lookin' out for Miller, and Valens is lookin' out for Rush, and that's all well and good…but _neither _of you are puttin' your focus where it should be. You can't go accusin' Scotty of letting his personal relationship undermine his ability to do his job when you're doin' exactly the same thing."

Vera sighed again and studied his colleague's expression. "So…you know," he realized with a sinking heart.

"Of course I know," Jeffries replied, grinning broadly. "You two are about as bad at hidin' it as Rush and Valens were."

"We are _not_," Vera insisted heatedly.

Jeffries rolled his eyes. He wasn't even going to begin to go there.

"Look, Nick," he began. "The point is, if you and Miller wanna insist on keepin' whatever you're doin' on the down-low, that's fine. That's not my business. But you can't expect Valens to get where you're comin' from if he doesn't know the whole story. The two of you are far more alike than you wanna admit, and you're doin' exactly the same thing for Miller that he's doin' for Rush. You don't wanna tell him that, fine, but if you go that route, you're gonna have to live with the fact that he's not gonna get you right now."

Vera paused, knowing that his former partner was absolutely right.

"You gotta decide what's more important to you," Jeffries concluded. "Makin' Scotty understand, or respectin' your girlfriend's wishes. I'm in your shoes, I know what I'd do."

"Yeah, no kiddin'," Vera agreed with a slight shudder. That bloody nose he'd suffered at Scotty's hands would be nothing compared to what Miller would do to him.

"All right, then," Jeffries finished, rising to leave.

"It's not just a move, y'know," Vera blurted out, and Jeffries stopped and turned to face him. "With Miller. It's…real."

"I know," he replied. "That's why this case is eatin' you alive, too." Without another word, Jeffries turned and headed out of the interview room, leaving a dumbfounded Vera still seated at the table pondering his words.

_One down, one to go._ _Wish I'da called in sick today, _he mused, as he headed into the other interview room.

* * *

With a sense of trepidation, Jeffries pushed the door open, fully expecting to have to wrestle his still-seething colleague into a chair, but was surprised to see Scotty quietly sitting at the table, his anger seemingly spent and replaced with just a quiet sense of…was that helplessness? From Scotty Valens?

Silently, Jeffries pulled out a chair and joined Scotty at the table, waiting for him to make the first move.

"Go ahead," Scotty said darkly. "Say whatever it is you're gonna say."

"Well, I was gonna say you've been actin' like some kinda bullheaded jackass," Jeffries began with a smile, "but…I figure you know that already."

Scotty smiled ruefully and nodded.

"I dunno what got into me," he answered. "I just…"

"Nick's right, y'know," Jeffries continued softly, and Scotty's eyes met his, flashing with the barest hint of anger, but Jeffries could tell in a glance that the anger was mostly at himself. "You've been lettin' what's goin' on with Lil take over your head."

"I just don't get it, Will," he said, spreading his hands wide. "She's…she's _gone. _And in her place is this person I don't even know, who won't talk to me unless it's about the case, who won't touch me, who says I can't act like her boyfriend…"

"That ain't your job, man," Jeffries protested softly. "Your job is to be the best damn cop you can possibly be. Bein' Lil's boyfriend…that's not what you're here to do."

"I can't help it," Scotty replied honestly. "She's…she's in so much pain, and I dunno why, and she won't let me in…it's killin' me," he finished softly.

"I dunno, either," Jeffries responded. "But, even if I did…whatever's goin' on with her…she needs to tell you that herself."

"That's exactly the problem," Scotty shot back, his voice suddenly strained with emotion. "I'd give anything…_anything_, to help her through this. But she won't let me in. She won't tell me what happened."

"And now is when you gotta stop actin' like a cop and start actin' like her boyfriend," Jeffries admonished him gently. At Scotty's blank look, he continued. "Right now, you're treatin' Lil like a suspect. Like she's gotta spill whatever it is that's goin' on."

"But…she _does_," Scotty argued.

"It'd be good for her to tell you," Jeffries confirmed. "But it's _her _choice, Scotty. Whatever it is that's goin' on, whatever's hurtin' her so bad…it looks like tellin' you about it'd be one of the hardest things she's ever done. And you can't force her to tell you. If she wants to tell you, if she chooses to tell you, she will. But if she doesn't…you gotta be okay with that. You gotta live with maybe not ever knowin' what happened."

"But…she'd feel so much better if she'd just…_talk_," Scotty said helplessly.

"You ever talk to anyone about Elisa?" Jeffries asked, and Scotty's head snapped up. "If I remember right, you were holed up in your apartment, duckin' phone calls and pushin' back the furniture."

Scotty's eyes began to flash with something dark and almost dangerous. "You think that's gonna--"

Knowing he'd hit the right button, Jeffries pressed on. "You ever tell anyone what you felt when Boss told you? Ever talk about what you did next? Where you went? What you felt like when you saw her in the casket for the first time? What you did that night, the first night you realized she was never gonna--"

"Stop it," Scotty ordered thickly, the tears once again perilously close to the surface.

Point made, Jeffries leaned back in his chair. "Lil doesn't wanna relive her pain any more than you do, Scotty. If she chooses to tell you, you consider that a gift. It's not your right to know. It's not your job to find out. You gotta let her go, man."

"Let her go," Scotty echoed bitterly. "Let her go where?"

"Lil's not goin' anywhere," Jeffries told him softly. "She loves you, and she needs you…she just needs you to not be a cop right now. She needs you to love her, to take care of her, and to give her the space she needs to deal with whatever this is. She'd do the same for you."

Scotty sighed. "You're right," he agreed.

"In the meantime," Jeffries continued, leaning forward in his chair and meeting Scotty's eyes, "you gotta stop obsessin' over it and pay some attention to what's goin' on around you. There are other people in this squad who're hurtin', too, and you're not helpin'. You're makin' it worse. You notice your partner's been actin' a little strange lately?" he asked.

"Yeah, so what?" Scotty replied, frowning in confusion.

"So what?" Jeffries echoed in disbelief. "For God's sake, your partner has a _daughter,_ Scotty. A daughter exactly the same age as Annie Potter. And you've been crappin' all over that from the moment we opened the boxes. You gotta respect the fact that Miller's sufferin', too, but all you've been able to see is Lil."

"Oh, my God," Scotty murmured brokenly, dropping his head into his hands as the realization, and guilt, washed over him. "I really am a jackass."

"No," Jeffries corrected. "You're a man in love, you're a man in pain, and you haven't slept in two days. We're all at the end of our rope with this one…but I, for one, am not gonna let this case tear the squad apart. We'll get through this…you and Lil, you and Miller, you and Nicky…we all will. But you gotta get your priorities straight, man. You can't do a damn thing about what's goin' on with Lil, you can't fix that, but there's two people out there who you _can _fix things with. I suggest you start there."

Scotty sighed, smiled ruefully, and nodded.

"All right then," Jeffries concluded, rising to go. "You…want me to scream or somethin', so it doesn't sound like we're in here huggin'?"

"Nah," Scotty replied with a grin. "Appreciate the offer, though."

"Don't mention it," Jeffries finished, then turned to face his colleague once more. "And, Scotty…don't you dare let this come between you and Lil. Don't you dare let this change your mind about her. Because if you do…you'll just be one more person who's left her."

Scotty nodded again, and Jeffries left and closed the door behind him.

After his colleague's departure, Scotty sat at the interview table, pondering Jeffries' words. He was absolutely right. Scotty realized that he'd been wallowing in helplessness to such an extent that he'd missed things he could actually do. He'd let his feelings for someone compromise his integrity as a cop and make him get sloppy, something he'd sworn up and down after the Ana Castilla job that he'd never, ever do again. And Vera had witnessed it, for God's sake. No wonder he'd wanted to kick his ass. If he were Vera, he'd have done exactly the same thing.

And Jeffries was completely right: there was nothing Scotty could do about his situation with Lilly. He could fight that tooth and nail, but he knew deep in his soul that he'd lose. Lilly would open up to him if and when she wanted, and if she didn't…he'd have to live with it if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He had to be okay with the possibility of never knowing her secret pain. Was he? Or would he spend the rest of his days wondering why she didn't trust him enough to let him in?

Scotty suddenly felt like smacking himself. He was sitting here doing exactly the same thing Jeffries had just told him not to: obsessing over situations he couldn't change when there was one, a very real one, that he could. Suddenly disgusted with himself, he rose from the table and strode purposefully out of the room. He knew one thing, anyway, that he could fix, and he realized, with a grin, that he knew exactly how to start.

* * *

Later that morning, Jeffries had just finished straightening up the office when Stillman and Lilly returned from their interview. Lilly headed straight for her desk without a word, whereas Stillman paused in the kitchen to refill his coffee mug. Jeffries strolled in after him.

"Hey, Will," Stillman greeted his friend wearily.

"How'd the interview go?" Jeffries asked as the two headed back out in the squad room toward Stillman's office.

"I think we're makin' progress," Stillman said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. "Megan Jackson remembers that blue station wagon following her one day."

"Well, that's encouraging," Jeffries remarked as they reached Stillman's office.

"How'd things go on your end?" Stillman asked, settling into his chair and setting the coffee mug down on his desk.

Jeffries sighed and closed the door behind him. "John…we need to talk."

Something in his friend's tone of voice caused Stillman to look up. "Sure…what's on your mind?" he asked.

Jeffries lowered himself into the chair on the other side of the desk and was silent for a moment, then looked the boss square in the eye.

"I don't want your job," he declared softly.

"As far as I know, it's not up for grabs," Stillman replied with a curious frown.

"Today…" Jeffries began slowly, "…today…it was."

Stillman considered Jeffries for a long moment as he took another sip of coffee. "What happened?" he asked.

"Vera and Valens…" Jeffries replied, not really wanting to go into the details, but knowing he had no choice. "The two of them…"

Stillman's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "The two of them what?" he asked, a sick sense of dread beginning to rise in his chest.

"They…had a fight," Jeffries answered. "I broke it up, talked some sense into 'em. It wasn't too serious, they were just blowin' off some steam…" he trailed off.

"But…" Stillman began, knowing there was something Jeffries still wasn't telling him.

"But…the fight was mostly about Lil," Jeffries said quietly. "And about how Valens is so wrapped up in what's goin' on with her that he can't see anything else, and…well…"

"He's not the only one," Stillman realized softly as he lowered the coffee mug back to the desk.

"He's not," Jeffries confirmed, relieved that Stillman had said something before he'd been forced to. "I know she's special to you, John…she's special to all of us…but there's a whole squad out there that needs you. They don't just need a boss, John…they need _you."_

Stillman sighed and rose from his desk. "It's really gotten bad with this one, hasn't it?" he asked rhetorically.

Jeffries chuckled and leaned back in his chair, the tension between them dissolved as though it had never been there. "Lil's workin' herself to death, Valens is worried sick, Vera's pickin' fights with people, Miller's wanderin' around like she's seen a ghost…you could say that, I suppose," he concluded.

"Well…how're you holdin' up?" Stillman asked, eyeing his friend carefully.

"Oh, y'know…" Jeffries said with a shrug.

Stillman chuckled, then turned and stared out the window. He stood there sipping coffee and watching the softly falling snowflakes for a long moment, then turned back to Jeffries, a wistful expression on his face.

"I hear the fishing in the Gulf is wonderful this time of year," he mused.

"Don't even joke about that," Jeffries ordered with a smile.

* * *

The bell on the door jangled as a couple of college students left the coffee shop and Scotty stepped up to the counter.

"Grande mocha latte with skim milk, extra whipped cream, and a whole buncha those chocolate sprinkles," he informed Jimmy the barista. "And a chocolate twirl donut. The best one ya got."

Jimmy grinned as he punched the order into the computer and tallied up the total. "So, what'd you do, anyway?" he asked.

"What makes you think I did somethin'?" Scotty replied, arching a brow as he handed a couple bills to Jimmy.

"You're always the one who orders a latte. With _real nutmeg_," Jimmy added significantly, his eyes twinkling with amusement at his ongoing debate with this regular customer.

"Hey," Scotty protested. "The nutmeg is _important."_

"So you keep tellin' me," Jimmy agreed with a smile. "But you're not orderin' that today."

"Yeah, so?" Scotty asked.

"So, I figure you musta pissed someone off," Jimmy replied with a shrug as he gave Scotty the change and moved to fill the order. "Now…you and Triple Americano have been a thing for quite a while," he mused, "but she sure doesn't seem like the type who'd want a huge helping of coffee and chocolate when you do something stupid. Nope…with her, you'd have to grovel."

Over the hiss of the espresso machine, Scotty blinked in surprise as Jimmy continued. "Now…every so often, there's this tough-ass chick with dreadlocks that comes in and orders a skim mocha with sprinkles…she work with you?" he asked.

"Yeah," Scotty replied slowly. "She's my partner."

"So it's _her _that's mad at you," Jimmy concluded triumphantly as he topped off Kat's drink with the biggest mountain of whipped cream Scotty had ever personally seen on top of a cup of coffee. "She the reason you're gonna have a bruise on your jaw?"

"I don't have a--" Scotty began, tentatively tracing his fingertips over his stubbled jawline, but trailing off when he found the previously undiscovered swollen patch beneath his right cheek. "Crap," he muttered.

Jimmy chuckled. "Dude, I do _not _wanna be in your shoes," he remarked as he spooned chocolate sprinkles over the whipped cream and then went in search of a lid big enough to contain the beverage and its inordinate amount of toppings. "Havin' _her_ mad at you?" Jimmy shuddered as he lidded the coffee and handed it to Scotty.

"Why the hell do you think I'm orderin' what I'm orderin'?" Scotty replied with a rueful grin.

Jimmy pulled the donut from within the glass display case and handed it to Scotty with a smile. "Yeah, well…good luck, man."

"Thanks," Scotty replied as he turned to leave. "I'll need it."

* * *

Filled with apprehension, Scotty re-entered the lobby, and, to his surprise, saw his partner standing there waiting for the elevator. It dinged, and she started to step in.

"Miller," Scotty called after her, then quickly closed the gap between them and held out the coffee and the paper bag containing the donut.

"What's this?" she asked suspiciously as she took the bag.

"Peace offerin'," Scotty replied hopefully. "Grande skim mocha with extra whipped cream, and the most chocolate sprinkles I've ever seen. Plus…breakfast. Figured I owe you at least that much."

She took the coffee from him, then peered into the bag and couldn't help feeling deeply moved. She glanced up at her partner, a smile turning up one corner of her mouth, but the expression in her eyes caught Scotty completely off-guard. Were those…_tears?_ Surely not. Not from _her_. Never. No way.

"Thanks," she replied quietly as she took a sip of her coffee. _Oh, God, it's perfect…_

"Look," Scotty began awkwardly. "I've really been a crap partner with this case."

Kat studied him, her smile widening slightly. "No more so than usual," she replied, though her voice was devoid of its normal perky sarcasm.

"No," Scotty disagreed with a rueful grin. "I'm serious. I was thinkin' about what Vera said back there…and…he's right. Here I am thinkin' I've been obsessin' over the case, but…it's really been about Lil."

"Ya think?" Kat returned, her smile finally, to Scotty's relief, reaching her eyes.

"It's just that…I don't want what's goin' on with me and Lil to get in the way of us doin' our job…and if it has…I'm sorry," he finished.

"Thanks," Kat replied.

"You got a kid," Scotty continued. "And I've been so wrapped up in Lil that…well…"

"You didn't stop to think about how this case was affectin' the rest of us," Kat finished for him.

"Yeah…exactly that," Scotty admitted.

"Don't worry about it," she replied. "Lookin' after my emotional health ain't your job. Your job is to find bastards who've gotten away with murder and make 'em pay. Now, if whatever's goin' on with Rush is makin' it so you can't do that, then you've got a problem. But as far as me and you go…we're fine."

Scotty smiled with relief. "Look," he began, glancing around with a grin and lowering his voice conspiratorially. "You wanna duck outta here and go spend a couple hours with Veronica, I'll cover for you."

Kat smiled and shook her head. "Thanks," she replied, "but…my job's the same as yours. And what I need, more than a hug from my little girl, is to get this son of a bitch off the street so there's one less I gotta worry about."

Scotty nodded in agreement. "I hear that." He glanced around again, then had a crazy idea. "How 'bout…a hug from me instead?"

Kat eyed him suspiciously, then gave in, with a wry smile, to that weaker part of herself, that part she usually kept buried, but which came out in the tough cases, and allowed her cocky jackass of a partner to wrap her in his arms briefly. Wasn't the same as a hug from V, but she'd take it nonetheless.

"You really are Man Candy today," she informed him as they pulled apart. "Bein' all sweet."

Scotty grinned, almost giddy with the knowledge that the familiar nickname meant that all truly was well between them. His newfound happiness gave way to sudden boldness, and he blurted out a question for her without even thinking.

"So…if lookin' out for your emotional health ain't my job," he began, frowning in confusion, "why the hell is it _Vera's_ job?"

Kat chuckled. "Don't mind him," she replied evenly. "This case is doin' a number on all of us, and he's got his own little drama to deal with."

"_Vera's _got drama, too?" Scotty asked with interest. How the hell had he missed all this? Had he really been that wrapped up with Lilly?

"He's gettin' pretty close to his girlfriend's pain-in-the-ass kid," Kat explained lightly as she took a bite of her donut.

"Right," Scotty agreed as realization dawned. It all made so much sense now. "So him bein' Insta-Dad is makin' him side with you 'cause you got a kid, too," he concluded.

"There ya go," Kat answered. "Usin' those detective skills of yours."

"Speak of the devil," Scotty remarked with a sense of foreboding as he looked over Kat's shoulder and saw Vera approaching.

"Hey, man," he began uncomfortably as Vera reached them. "Look, I'm, uh...I'm…"

"Yeah," Vera agreed quietly. "Me, too."

They met one another's eyes for a moment, studying each other carefully, and then Scotty stuck out his hand. "Okay, then," he said confidently.

"Okay," Vera echoed with a smile, and they shook on it, the tension between them instantly dissolved.

Kat watched and shook her head in amazement. Both men had swollen patches on their faces, which would no doubt puff up into some colorful and interesting-looking bruises, and she could only guess what sort of vicious insults they'd hurled at each other, yet here they were shaking hands as though nothing had happened. It would never cease to stun her how men could come close to killing each other, then apologize without saying a word.

* * *

Late that afternoon, Stillman emerged from his office and surveyed his squad, the toll this case was taking on all of them suddenly painfully obvious. Miller bore a haunted look in her eyes that mingled with determination, whereas Vera bore the beginnings of a couple bruises, although, thank goodness, he and Valens seemed to be on speaking terms again. Lilly, he'd seen off and on over the course of the last two days, but, taking a closer look at her pale skin, her disheveled hair, the deep circles under her eyes, and Scotty's haunted, still worried look along with the damage Vera's fists had inflicted…Stillman realized, with a sinking heart, that Will was right; he really had dropped the ball on this one.

With a start, Stillman realized that they'd all been there since Saturday night. A full two days in which Lilly in particular hadn't so much as left the office except to go out on interviews. And one look at her revealed, yes, her utter and complete exhaustion, but also a grimly dogged determination that told him, in a glance, that she would stay until someone forced her to leave. He was surprised Scotty hadn't been able to do it, but a glance at him revealed that he was just as stubborn as Lil, and even more anxious. A brief look at the others told him that as long as Rush was staying, they'd stay, too, each for his or her own personal reasons.

Once again, Stillman mentally chastised himself for letting it get this far out of hand. He'd been so busy worrying about Lilly that he'd barely noticed the toll this case was taking on everyone else, and it was high time he did something about it. He couldn't make up for his past oversight, but he could step in now. Jeffries was right. Was he the boss, or not?

Decision made, he retreated into his office only long enough to grab his things, then stepped to the center of the room to make an announcement.

"I'm going home," he informed the group.

"'Night, Boss," came the mumbled reply from the team.

"And so are all of you," he continued sternly.

The room grew so silent he could have heard a pin drop, and he studied everyone's reactions. Jeffries looked pleased, and, if Stillman wasn't mistaken, a bit proud. His dark eyes brimmed with silent encouragement. Vera, Miller, and Valens looked…relieved, Miller most of all. Mentally, Stillman kicked himself yet again for his oversight in assigning Miller to go inform the family. How the hell could he have forgotten that Miller herself had a ten-year-old daughter? _Maybe you really oughta consider hanging it up, _he mused.

But he noticed, with a start, that Lilly…instead of looking relieved or grateful, looked…absolutely terrified.

"Boss," she began to protest, eyes wild with fright.

"You've been here since Saturday night," Stillman pointed out, more sternly than anyone had heard him speak in quite a long time. "You've all put in far more than your time. Yes, this case is important, but you all are no good like this."

"Boss," Lilly insisted, her voice tremulous and plaintive. Scotty shot her an alarmed glance, then looked to Stillman, and shining in Valens' dark eyes was an almost heartbreaking sense of concern. _Please don't back down on this one, Boss,_ the younger detective seemed to silently beg, and Stillman gave Scotty a look conveying his determination to stick to his guns.

"We're bringing Prater in tomorrow," Stillman continued matter-of-factly, "and I've got five detectives who are exhausted to the point of being almost utterly useless. Two of you came to blows today, for God's sake." He paused to allow the guilty parties a moment to squirm.

Lilly's eyes widened at this, and in an instant, that hard, determined glint was gone. She glanced around the room, seeming to, thank God, absorb what he was telling them, that things really had gone overboard.

_Came to blows? _Lilly mused, as she glanced up in surprise. She'd known things were tense, but she'd been so wrapped up in her own mess that she hadn't even given the others much thought. How could things have gotten this out of hand? Who in the world would have…?

She didn't even have to wonder, she realized, as she glanced up at Scotty to find just the faintest shadow of guilt crossing his face, along with a swollen patch on his jawline. It didn't take an ace detective to figure out that, whatever fight had taken place, her boyfriend had been involved. She looked around at the others and saw the same guilty shadow and developing bruises on Vera's face. Scotty…and _Vera_? Fighting? About _what, _for God's sake_?_

The shock of this realization caused Lilly to put down her pen and lean back in her chair for the first time in what seemed like years. Behind her, she heard Scotty sigh with relief, and she turned around to look at him, the first time she'd truly _seen_ him since Saturday night.

Lilly's breath caught in her throat. He looked absolutely terrible. His skin was pale, he seemed to have aged five years overnight, his eyes were sunken and ringed with dark circles, his face was shadowed with two days' worth of stubble, not to mention that bruise…good God, what the hell had she done to him? To them? To all of them?

"You're right," Lilly agreed quietly, and that admission finally allowed the exhaustion to seep into her bones. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to lay her head down somewhere, anywhere, and just sleep for a week. She knew what would happen once she fell asleep, of course she knew it, but she was too exhausted to care. She simply couldn't run another step. If it was coming, let it come. She'd fight it off when it happened. She always did.

Ignoring the protest of knotted, tense muscles, she rose from her desk and took Scotty by the hand, stricken yet again by the look of surprised gratitude in his eyes, stunned at how much that simple, habitual gesture seemed to mean to him. _Good God, how long has it been since I touched him_? she wondered as he squeezed her hand appreciatively. Startled, she realized she couldn't even remember the last time they'd kissed. _Too long…far, far too long…_

"C'mon," she urged him quietly, meeting his gaze apologetically. "Boss is right. Let's go home."

Scotty sighed with relief, then nodded in agreement as murmurs of gratitude swept over the squad, and they all packed up the files, exchanged weary farewells and went their separate ways.

* * *

Tripod and Olivia greeted Lilly and Scotty enthusiastically as they trudged in the front door. After spending a few moments greeting them, Scotty turned to Lilly and read the fatigue in her eyes. Maybe tomorrow she'd be stonewalling him again, but at least for now, it appeared that he could take care of her and she wouldn't put up much of a fight.

"Why don't you go grab a shower and put on somethin' comfy," he suggested, "and I'll scrounge up some dinner."

"I don't have much," Lilly protested weakly.

"'S'okay," Scotty insisted with as much energy as he could muster. "I'll find somethin'."

"'Kay," Lilly agreed, moving toward the stairs in a daze and climbing them as though she was on her way to an execution.

Scotty shook his head. He still hadn't the faintest idea what was going on with her, but at that moment he was simply too damn tired to care. His mission was to remain standing long enough to microwave a couple TV dinners, then convince Lilly to go to sleep. As exhausted as she was, he still wasn't sure she'd actually succumb. It was almost like she'd been running from it for some reason.

After she departed, he fed the cats, then opened the fridge to see what he could scrounge up and realized, truth be told, that he really wasn't all that hungry. He spied some beer in the back, and he downed a couple of those without even thinking about it. That helped take some of the edge off, made it a little more tolerable to poke around Lilly's kitchen and see if maybe, just maybe, he could cobble together something for her to eat. After a few moments' searching, his foggy mind finally conjured up the idea of peanut butter and jelly, for which, fortunately, she had the ingredients, and he whipped up a couple sandwiches and trudged up the stairs with them.

What he saw when he got to the bedroom melted his heart. Lilly had managed to slip into some pajamas, but was sprawled across the bed, sound asleep. Finally, her face looked peaceful, relaxed…like the Lilly he knew.

Scotty smiled slightly and set the sandwiches down next to the bed, then crossed to the other side and gently maneuvered her under the covers. She didn't even stir with the movement, and Scotty nearly wept with relief. She was sleeping. Lil was sleeping.

That meant…he could finally sleep, too.

_Thank God._

It took every last ounce of his energy to strip down to his boxers and turn out the light, and then, sighing with the deepest sense of gratitude he'd ever felt in his life, he collapsed into bed next to Lilly and took her in his arms, falling into a deep sleep almost before his head hit the pillow.


	25. The Story

**A/N: The caveat from a couple chapters ago applies to this one, too. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, they wouldn't have so much baggage to work through.**

* * *

**Chapter 25: The Story**

You see the smile that's on my mouth  
It's hiding the words that don't come out  
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed  
They don't know my head is a mess  
No, they don't know who I really am  
And they don't know what  
I've been through like you do  
And I was made for you...

* * *

_Lilly glanced from side to side, knowing instinctively that something wasn't quite right, but not having any idea what it was until the man emerged from the alleyway._

"_Hey, little girl…kinda late to be out by yourself," he commented, his tone casual, but his eyes glittering with something Lilly couldn't quite place, and which instantly gave her the chills._

_Her heart beginning to race, she ignored him and kept walking as a car zoomed by, its windows seeming to vibrate with each beat of the music._

"_What're you doin' out so late?" the man persisted, stepping out from behind the building and beginning to follow her at a distance._

"_I'm going to the store," Lilly called back as she picked up her pace, hoping that man would just go away and leave her alone. He was scary, that man._

"_Does your mother know where you are?" she heard him call after her._

"_She sent me," Lilly replied, and then something deep within her told her she'd shared a bit too much, and she better start running, so she did, trying to ignore the fact that his footsteps behind her had also increased their speed. The store was only a block and a half away. Maybe she could get there before that man could talk to her anymore._

_She heard his footsteps, faster and louder behind her, and she sped up even more. Maybe, if she pretended she could fly, maybe that would help her run away. She willed her legs to move even faster, ignoring the burning of her lungs. Maybe she was fast enough. Look, there's the store, just up ahead. _

_But those footsteps were closing in so fast, and then she felt him grab her from behind, wrapping one arm around her waist and clapping a hand over her mouth. She struggled, her legs flailing wildly and her teeth sinking into his hand._

_He yelped in pain, then whirled her around and started to hit her, and that's when she screamed. _

_She screamed for help, her throat instantly raw, but she heard no one coming. No hurrying footsteps, no cars screeching to a halt…no one._

_There was no one to help her._

_She had to fight him off herself._

_Frantically, she shoved the ten-dollar bill her mother had given her into his grubby palm. "That's all the money I have, I swear," she pleaded. "Just take it."_

_The man smiled at her, his eyes glittering menacingly as he snatched the bill from her hand and hit her again. "That's not all I want from you," he sneered._

_She screamed again as he reached for her…_

Lilly's eyes snapped open, her breath coming in frantic gasps and her heart pounding wildly as she searched the room in a panic, looking for her attacker so she could fight him off. She couldn't find him, and she wasn't sure what was worse: not knowing where he was, or knowing exactly where he was and knowing that the only thing between her and certain death was her ability to fight.

She flailed and kicked, looking for something, anything, in the darkness, anything that might help her get her bearings so she could fight, and she stifled a scream as her right hand met something warm and solid. There he was. That bastard was lurking in the shadows right next to her, waiting to pounce, waiting to hit her again…

She whirled to face him, eyes blazing with fright and fury, ready to kick and punch and bite her way to freedom…and realized, with a start, that she wasn't on that rain-soaked street in Kensington, her mother on the sofa in a drunken stupor. She was at home, safe in her own bed. And that man next to her wasn't the one who'd stalked her in the shadows. It was Scotty.

Feeling slightly foolish, Lilly sat up, trying desperately to catch her breath and hoping not to burst into tears like she usually did when she had this dream. If she could keep the tears away, maybe she could keep the memories away, maybe she could keep them walled off and locked up like she usually did. And maybe she wouldn't have to--

"You okay?" she heard Scotty mumble from beside her as he stirred in his sleep and turned to face her. She glanced down at him, suddenly wanting nothing more than the warm, strong safety of his arms, so, impulsively, she flung herself into them and buried her face in his shoulder, still gasping for air and half-afraid the monster was lurking somewhere.

"What's wrong?" he asked groggily as he wrapped his arms around her, but she couldn't answer him. Not yet. Not until she was sure she wouldn't burst into tears. _Breathe in. Breathe out. C'mon, Rush, you can do this. In and out. In and out. Slowly. _

"You have a nightmare?" Scotty asked, and, despite the bleariness of his voice, Lilly glanced at him with alarm. How the hell did he know that? Had he been awake this whole time? _Not like you're exactly bein' quiet about it, Rush…_

Still unable to speak, she merely nodded, and he murmured sympathetically, pulled her closer, and began to gently stroke her hair. "S'okay, _bella_," he responded sleepily. "I'm here. You're safe. Those giants…they ain't gonna get you as long as I'm around."

Lilly clung to him for dear life, hoping beyond all hope that what he said was true, and eventually, she was able to take deep, full breaths and stop the room from spinning. Scotty was right. He was there. Warm and solid and secure. And she was okay. For now. This time, anyway, she was safe.

As awareness seeped through the lingering fog of her nightmare, she began to shiver uncontrollably, despite Scotty's warmth, despite the blankets, despite everything.

"I'm cold," she managed, and Scotty's eyes opened halfway.

"You're drenched," he observed groggily as his eyes slid closed again. "You can have my shirt…"

Lilly glanced down and realized that he was right; she was soaked in sweat from her nightmare. Hastily, she stripped off her sodden pajamas, plucked Scotty's discarded dress shirt from its resting place across the corner of the bed, and snuggled into its dry warmth.

"Thanks, Scotty," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek, but he mumbled something unintelligible, bunched the pillow into an indistinguishable wad beneath his head, and rolled over onto his other side. Lilly couldn't help but smile wistfully, wishing she could fall back to sleep so easily, but she knew from experience that she wasn't going to sleep another wink, at least not for a while. Not wanting to disturb Scotty's much-needed slumber, she crept from bed and headed downstairs to make some tea.

* * *

A few minutes later, the tea was made, and Lilly sat on her sofa, covering her bare legs with a blanket and sipping from her mug. The tea was definitely helping restore some order to her chaotic thoughts, and after a few sips, she set it down on the coffee table and drew her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees and resting her cheek on top.

From the moment they opened this case, the moment she'd seen Annie Potter's remains in the quarry, the moment they'd opened the box and she'd seen that freckled blonde smiling back at her, Lilly had known, even though it had been years since she'd had this nightmare, that as soon as she fell asleep, it would haunt her again. And with Scotty there, hovering over her, watching her every move and worrying about her, she was terrified he'd find out. How the hell could he not? He was a detective, for God's sake. And yet he hadn't pressed her for details, even tonight, though she was pretty sure that was because he'd been sound asleep and wasn't thinking clearly yet.

The last time Lilly's nightmare had visited her was three years before, during the George Marks case. All the other detectives had had their shot at him in the interview room, and within seconds, he'd ripped all of them to shreds. Scotty had been the first; one crack about Elisa had been all it had taken for him to be on the verge of losing control, and she'd heard that Boss had stepped in, only to be dispatched with in similar fashion when George brought up his daughter's rape. Vera and Jeffries had had their turn, and she'd heard Vera had almost attacked George when he brought up the Chimayo job, but Jeffries had saved his outburst for later, out in the squad room, when he knocked over a chair as he stormed out, the most visible display of emotion Lilly had ever seen from him. George had mentioned Mary, wondered aloud what she'd begged for on that lonely highway the night she died. No one mentioned Mary's name to Jeffries. Ever.

And then it was Lilly's turn. George had asked for her specifically. "Send in the blonde," he'd said, and she'd headed in, alone, with Stillman's instructions to put him in those woods.

That was when he'd tried his tactics on her. It caught her off-guard, briefly, that he knew what had happened to her, that he'd dug around in her 49 and learned all her darkest secrets, but she'd hidden it well, played it cool, not betrayed a thing to him, at least not then.

"Do you ever dream about it, Lilly?" he'd asked her, his eyes gleaming with the purest evil she'd ever seen.

"No…no, I don't," she'd lied. And George had seen right through it.

"Uh-huh," he'd replied. "Keep tellin' yourself that."

Goddamn bastard was right. She'd had the nightmare that very night, in fact, and for weeks afterward until she finally caught him. He'd used the information gleaned from her 49 to hunt her there in that attic, his woods, and, through her tears, she'd told him what had happened to her, knowing that telling him what he wanted to know would lead to him telling her what she needed to know, so she could clap him in cuffs and make him face justice…until she realized he had no intention of either one of them coming out of there alive.

And so she fought. She fought his claims that they were alike, fought off the awful truth that they'd both been sold out by the ones who were supposed to love them the most, fought the lies he tried to feed her that killing him would make them the same, and finally…she'd pulled the trigger.

Lilly didn't remember much after that. She vaguely remembered glancing down and seeing George lying on the floor, had a foggy recollection of giving Stillman the gun, descending the stairs, and moving in a trance past her colleagues. But one clear memory she did have was the look in Scotty's eyes. She hadn't been able to shake it in the days and weeks that followed. He'd never said a word to her about that night, never asked any questions, and she'd been grateful for that…but occasionally, she'd see him looking at her, his eyes dark and haunted by the ghosts of his past, which were somehow rearing their ugly heads and intertwining with hers. The night of the shooting, he looked like he'd aged ten years since she'd seen him that morning, when he'd apologized to her for his misstep with Christina. He'd looked a little scared then, like he was afraid she might not forgive him…but that night, when their eyes met…he'd been terrified. His face looked years older, but his eyes held the look of a lost little boy, and for a brief moment, she'd wanted to take him in her arms and focus on his pain instead of hers, his tortured memories instead of her own. Deailng with someone else's crap had always been easier, and she'd seen enough of her own that night to last a lifetime.

But she didn't, and he'd never breathed a word about it since then, but things between them had changed that night. Like they'd realized, perhaps, that they cared about each other as people, maybe even as friends, not just partners.

As she'd pondered his reaction over the next few weeks, mostly because it gave her something to think about other than what she'd done in the woods, Lilly realized that she'd remembered that look from the days when Scotty was with Elisa, especially toward the end. Haunted. Endlessly worried. He looked like it had been months, if not years, since he'd gotten a good night's sleep, how he buried himself in work to forget what was happening at home. Like he was constantly running from something, and if he stopped to rest, even for a second, it would catch up to him, and it would all be over. Not that she knew anything about that, Lilly mused with a wry smile. But even back in those early days of their partnership, she'd been concerned about him, like he'd either wear himself out running from whatever it was, or he'd break under the load he was carrying.

Something about those days years ago gave her pause, made her stop to think, and after a few moments' consideration, she remembered something. After her nightmare, Scotty had called her…_bella_. He never called her _bella_ before. It was always Lil or sometimes _querida_. _Bella_ was new, yet she knew she'd heard it before, she knew she'd heard him say it with the same reverence he used whenever he spoke her name…

Lilly froze suddenly as she remembered a conversation she'd overheard years ago. Scotty had been in a corner of the office on his cell phone, speaking in hushed tones and looking around furtively, and she couldn't make out much of his end, but she had heard him call someone _bella_. "I'll be by later, _bella_," he'd said, and as he'd slipped his phone back in its holster, he'd had that same haunted look in his eyes. Like whatever was after him, whatever was chasing him down and threatening to overtake him was back, and if he didn't start running again, it'd swallow him whole.

_It's okay, bella…I'm here…you're safe…_ _those giants…they ain't gonna get you as long as I'm around_.

She pondered Scotty's words anew, her mind racing with the sudden possibility that he hadn't been talking to her at all. She replayed what she could remember of a few minutes before, and realized that Scotty had never truly woken up. He'd responded to her almost automatically, knowing just what to do, knowing the reassuring words that would make her feel safe…except he'd never really looked at her, had never been fully present.

In that moment, Lilly realized that…it _was _automatic for him. It was a habit…because he'd comforted Elisa through no doubt thousands of night terrors. Her breath caught in her throat as she figured out that…that night…he'd been talking to her as though she actually were Elisa. That's where the giants must have come from. That's why he'd called her _bella._

Lilly inhaled shakily as the truth took root in her soul. He was worried about her the same way he'd been worried about Elisa, and she knew that if he kept fretting like that, it would tear him apart the way the situation with Elisa had in the last few months of her life…if it hadn't already, and, with a sinking heart, Lilly concluded that it had. She'd noticed the concerned look in Scotty's eyes the moment she'd gotten that phone call from Stillman on Saturday night, and in the frenzied hours that followed, she'd done anything and everything she could think of to avoid that penetrating gaze, hell, even to avoid him, just so she wouldn't have to tell him, so she wouldn't have to relive it yet again.

But Lilly realized, with a sense of certainty, that her not telling Scotty was hurting him deeply. She'd been trying to run away from that, too, but it had been inescapable the previous day in the evidence room, when he'd walked in while she was having a flashback. Tears had filled his eyes as he'd pleaded with her to just let him help. That was all he wanted. He didn't want to make her relive her horrors for his own sick sense of self-gratification like George had. George preyed on fear, got off on the terrified looks on the faces of the women he brutally murdered. She'd seen how much pleasure he'd taken in her retelling of her attack that night in his attic.

To place Scotty in that category almost made Lilly laugh with the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Scotty…and George? The two were absolutely nothing alike. Telling Scotty would be nothing like telling George. Scotty just wanted to help. And not even really because it was about him, she realized. That was simply who he was, as much a part of him as his dark eyes or his passion for sports or his love for those guava turnovers. Scotty was born to help people. That's why he was a cop, she knew, and that's part of why he'd been so persistent with Elisa. A lesser man would have given up long ago, she knew that. But Scotty…for better or for worse, he'd loved Elisa with all his heart, and she'd seen how torn apart he was at her decline, at the fact that he couldn't do anything to help her. And it wasn't that Elisa wouldn't let him, Lilly realized, it was that he simply _couldn't. _Schizophrenia was a terrible disease, she knew, and Scotty was utterly powerless to fix it. He could comfort her as best he could, he could arrange for her to receive the best care available, but in the end, he hadn't been able to save Elisa, and, despite the fact that that was an utterly impossible task for anyone, she knew it still ate at him.

But, Lilly mused…it didn't have to be that way with her. No, Scotty couldn't fix her. No, he couldn't go back and change what had happened. He couldn't change the fact that any case that brought back those memories for her would haunt her…but he hadn't wanted to fix it. He'd never said that.

_I just wanna help you._

Ray had uttered those exact same words that sunny afternoon when he'd stopped by to see why she'd missed school. After he'd made her the milkshake and delivered it to her in the one clean glass he could find, he'd settled down next to her on the ratty sofa and watched TV with her for hours. Even when it got dark, he stayed, and when Lilly finally realized how long he'd been there, she'd turned to him, the question she wasn't able to speak clearly written in her eyes.

_Why are you still here?_

"I just wanna help you," Ray had answered with a shrug, then slid off the sofa and crossed the room to change the channel. "Wanna watch Mork and Mindy?"

Lilly smiled once again at the memory of Ray's childish sweetness, and that was the main reason she'd held onto him for so long, had almost married him that hot day in Tennessee. He knew her. He'd seen her at her absolute worst, at her weakest and most helpless, and it hadn't changed his opinion of her a bit. Ray had truly loved her, and even though they weren't meant to be in the long run, she would always, always treasure the way he'd cared for her.

Joseph had picked up on that fact, and that was, at least in part, what had spelled doom for their relationship.

"Ray knows me…everything about me," Lilly had protested.

"Maybe if you let me in, I'll leave you, too?" Joseph had retorted, the hurt bleeding into his voice.

"Ray never left me," Lilly had insisted defensively, stepping back from Joseph and raising her hands as though to shield herself from the truth of his words.

"No, he's just never around," Joseph had argued. "Maybe that's what you want."

Was it? Was that what she wanted? No…and yes. No, of course she didn't want to spend the rest of her life alone, but if that was the alternative to pain, if that was her only choice other than to watch everyone she'd ever loved stab her in the back and run away, then…maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Lilly sighed. She'd realized, long ago, that she loved Scotty with all her heart, so if he left…there'd be no recovering from that. But, at the same time, why in the world would she believe he'd leave her? What evidence had he ever given her that he wasn't in this thing? Oh, he said stupid things from time to time, he screwed up, he sometimes didn't know when the bull in a china shop routine that worked so well with suspects wasn't exactly the best approach to take with her and her fragile heart, but, Lilly realized, the reason he'd been so panic stricken the past two days was because he'd seen her in pain and she'd made it so he was powerless to do anything about it.

Powerlessness…that had haunted Scotty his entire life, Lilly knew. He hadn't told her much about his brother, or about Ana, or even Elisa, but she knew that look he got when he was utterly helpless and forced to watch someone else he loved suffer. It was the look she'd been getting since the phone rang on Saturday night. And Lilly knew there was nothing Scotty could have done to stop Coach Fitz from abusing his brother, to keep that jonesing drug mule from gutting Ana in a search for those two hidden cookies, to stop Elisa from jumping off the bridge…

And Scotty couldn't have prevented her attack, either…but the lingering pain? Scotty could help with that. Lilly didn't know exactly what that help would look like, but she remembered Ray's thoughtfulness and childish gestures of affection from all those years ago. He hadn't changed what had happened to her, hadn't even asked her about it until quite a while later…but had he helped her? Of course he had. He'd made sure she got enough to eat, he'd kept her company, and he'd kept her mind off of the horrendous things that had been done to her.

_Isn't that what we do every day_? Lilly asked herself. _We can't change the past…we can't go back and make it so the murders never happened, we can't bring people's loved ones back to them…but we can bring their killers to justice. We can make sure bastards don't get away with murder. We can give people closure, restore relationships, start the process of mending old wounds…we can help._

_It's not about me,_ Lilly realized. _I have to tell Scotty…for him_. _Because he's not powerless to help me. He can't change what happened, he can't make it not hurt…but he can share it. Just like Ray did. He can be there for me. He can help me. If only I'll let him._

Lilly inhaled shakily as the truth of what she had to do began to seep into her heart. Telling Scotty would alter his perception of her forever. It might backfire, she knew that. Might make him feel even sorrier for her and spend the rest of his life viewing her as a damsel in distress who couldn't protect herself, might make him blame himself for what had happened, make him feel even more helpless that he hadn't been able to stop her attack. Maybe. But…it would definitely make him wrap his arms around her and try to comfort her…and after what they'd been through with this case, that was really all she needed.

After having spent her entire life trying not to need people, not to trust them, not to depend on anyone but herself…Lilly realized that, like it or not, she'd come to need Scotty. Desperately. She'd tried living without him, and that had lasted maybe a day. She needed him to be there like she needed air to breathe. Just a faint whiff of his shirt, of the scent of his skin mingled with a hint of that spicy aftershave was comforting her and giving her strength to face what had happened.

_Maybe needing someone…especially someone who loves me…maybe that's not the worst thing in the world_, she mused, as she tried to prepare herself for the most difficult conversation she'd ever had in her life.

* * *

Scotty rolled over and sighed contentedly, noting with a deep sense of satisfaction that it was still dark. If it was still dark, he reasoned, that meant he didn't have to get up yet. Glancing at the clock out of idle curiosity, he discovered that it was only 3:47 AM. With a start, he realized that he'd been asleep for almost nine hours already. Had they really gone to bed before seven? Scotty couldn't remember the last time he'd done that, but, with a wry smile, he realized he also couldn't remember the last time he'd gone over 48 hours with no sleep.

Grateful that he could snuggle down under the covers and enjoy a few more hours of slumber, Scotty closed his eyes once more and wiggled his way over to Lilly's side of the bed to pull her close and enjoy the fact that, when she was asleep, she couldn't fight him, and, for the moment anyway, they were okay. But when his outstretched hands met only cold sheets, his eyes snapped open in alarm.

Lilly was gone.

Where the hell was she? He knew she'd been asleep when he'd gone to bed; that was the only reason he'd allowed himself to finally succumb to the mind-numbing fatigue. She'd been sleeping. Peacefully. And yet here she was, gone from the bed. He reached his hands out once more, just to make sure, and his fingers met not Lilly, or even the soft fur of one of the cats, but a shirt that was cold and still quite damp.

He struggled to a sitting position, trying to figure out why Lil's shirt was there, and why it was wet, and he suddenly had a vague memory of feeling unsettled earlier that night, of feeling someone fling herself into his arms, and of whispering words of comfort to her. Like he had countless times with Elisa all those years ago. He'd thought at the time that maybe he was dreaming, but that shirt was proof that everything he thought he remembered was very real. Lilly had indeed had a nightmare.

But…Lilly didn't have nightmares, at least, not that he knew about. Not like Elisa had. So…for her to have had one…

Scotty was suddenly certain to the depths of his being that she'd had a nightmare about whatever had happened to her, and he hadn't even been awake enough to comfort her. She'd needed him, and he hadn't been there. Oh, he'd been physically there, but not emotionally, and she'd been driven from the bed to seek comfort somewhere else.

Mentally kicking himself for his lack of vigilance, Scotty tossed back the covers and swung his legs over the side. He had to go find her and see if she needed anything. Had to go make it up to her somehow. Had to go apologize for not being there, for letting her down. Again.

Instantly awake, he crept downstairs to find her.

* * *

Lilly glanced up when she heard footsteps on the stairs, heard the creak that the fifth step always made, and knew that the game was up, and she couldn't hide from her task any longer. In mere seconds, Scotty would be in the living room, wanting to know why she was sitting on the sofa in the dark at four in the morning. Lilly's heart leaped into her throat and she sighed shakily. She wasn't ready for this conversation yet, hadn't quite chosen the words she wanted to use, but she knew she had to tell him, _now. _If she didn't start the conversation, he would. She knew him well enough to know that he'd been awakened a few minutes earlier, had seen her missing, might even remember the nightmare, and would be coming downstairs to interrogate her about it. She pulled his shirt tighter around her, realizing, as he came into view, that having him wrapped around her instead…she felt tears sting her eyes at how much more wonderful that would feel.

Scotty heard Lilly's shaky sigh before his eyes had adjusted enough to see her, but as a car swished past on the street below, he could see her sitting there on the sofa, illuminated just slightly by a streetlight and the pale light of the moon, clad only in his shirt, hugging her knees to her chest, a faraway look in her eyes. He'd never seen that look before, and wasn't sure at all what it meant, but he felt a knot of dread forming in the pit of his stomach anyway.

Not sure what to say, not sure he even wanted to know, all he could do was stand there, his heart racing, and that dread washing over him like a wave and making him feel sick.

"I need to tell you something," Lilly declared softly, and the knot of dread grew larger. "I can only tell you once, and I don't remember everything. If there's anything else you want to know…" she paused and met his eyes. "It's in my 49."

She heard Scotty suck in a breath as the truth sank in, and she hated what she was about to do, but knew it had to be done. This wasn't about her achieving closure for the past, or whatever the hell that was. This was about bare facts, about explaining why she'd been so traumatized by this case, about putting Scotty's anxious mind at ease.

Or so she tried to tell herself. But, she realized, as she felt Scotty tentatively sink down onto the couch next to her, that telling him was going to be even harder for her than telling George was. As though moving in a trance, she swung around so that Scotty could put his arm around her, which he did, cautiously, and so she could rest her head on his shoulder. She couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes when she shattered the last of his illusions. The look he'd had the last two days was heart-wrenching enough.

"George…made me tell him," she began hesitantly. "That night in the woods. That's how he hunted me." She felt Scotty shudder and pull her closer as the memories of that night washed over them both. "He read my 49, found out what happened…and then he made me tell him. That's how I got him to confess."

"What happened to you, Lil?" Scotty asked softly, his voice tender and full of compassion as he pulled her close.

It was the sound of his voice that did it, that caused the last of her walls of self-preservation to crumble and tears to flood her eyes. Dammit. She wasn't going to cry her way through this one, like she had last time. She wanted to be firmly in control this time. Oh, last time, she'd been in control to an extent, because she'd known that George hid his own secrets, and by telling him hers, she could get him reveal his, but…this was totally different. There was nothing to gain from telling him, no ulterior motive…just laying her soul bare before him and letting him see all her scars.

"You can't…fix this," she told him, her voice sounding thick and faraway. "You can't change this. And you _can't_ feel sorry for me."

"Okay," he agreed tentatively, and for a second, she wanted to change the subject, to let this drop and not go there, but as she snuggled closer to him, she felt the frantic thumping of his heart against his chest and knew she couldn't back out now. She felt the tension in his body as he pulled her close, felt the dread and apprehension pouring off him in waves. She knew, if she could stop the tears that insisted on blurring her vision and tracing hot paths down her cheeks, that she might have more success in her endeavor to get him to not feel sorry for her, but she was as powerless to stop that as she had been to stop what had happened to her in the first place.

"I was ten," she began. "Like Annie." She felt Scotty inhale shakily, and she wrapped an arm around his waist, as much for him as for her.

"On my way to the store," she continued. "It was dark out…late…"

Lilly felt the question forming in Scotty's mind, and she hastened to continue before he could ask it. She needed to tell him what had happened before she told him why, mostly for the vain hope that perhaps telling him the facts would give her the strength she needed to tell him why it had even happened in the first place.

"I was halfway there…and this man…" she stopped, the lump in her throat too large, for the moment, to speak around.

Scotty cradled her head to his chest and gently stroked her hair. "What'd he do to you?" he asked softly, in the same tone of voice he used with traumatized witnesses, that compassionate tone that, although acknowledging how difficult it was to talk, also made it clear that they weren't getting off the hook, that they had to finish their tale.

"He wanted my money," Lilly finally continued, brushing away a tear from her cheek before returning her hand to its place around Scotty's waist. "He knew I had it…so he followed me." She took a hitching breath, then plunged ahead with the part she knew would break the heart of the man she clung to like a life preserver.

"I ran," she continued. "I ran and ran…but…he caught me. And…he took what he wanted," she finished simply, hoping against hope Scotty wouldn't press for details, but knowing in her heart that he would.

"Which was…?" he asked softly, his voice strained with dread.

"I thought it was just the money," she answered. "But…he hit me," she continued, that admission unlocking the floodgates, and the rest of the story poured forth as the dam burst, having been repressed and denied for far too long, grateful to finally be told to someone who loved her, someone who cared, someone who wouldn't deny it, get off on it, or pretend it hadn't happened. "He kept hitting me, and hitting me…and laughing…he broke my jaw…I lost some teeth…and I thought I was gonna die," she sobbed. "And I didn't wanna die…so I screamed for help…but no one came…and he was still hitting me…so I fought. I fought…and…"

That was it. That was all she could tell him before nearly thirty years of repressed emotions overwhelmed her completely, and all she could do was bury her face in the warmth of Scotty's chest and sob helplessly for all that little ten-year-old had lost. She felt him pull her closer, and she knew that in that moment, it was just as much for him as it was for her…she knew he was fighting his own battle with tears, but she didn't care. Couldn't care. This had started out being for him, and she hoped to God she hadn't made a mistake in telling him…but it was too late, and she realized, that whether he needed to know or not, she'd needed to tell him, for _her_. In all the anguish, there was a small measure of peace, of relief, in knowing that they had no secrets between them anymore, that the last of her walls had crumbled, that he knew the absolute worst thing about her, everything except…

"How come you were out so late?" she heard him ask huskily, feeling the vibrations of his voice through his chest.

There was no use hiding. No use pretending. Her soul had been stripped naked before him, and there was no further reason to protect herself. Not anymore.

"My mother needed a drink," she managed, knowing that Scotty, even in his shattered state, could put the pieces together. There was nothing further to explain. Her mother had needed a drink, had been a slave to the bottle to such a degree that she abandoned her firstborn to the wolves. That was what had kept Lilly a prisoner to the pain for so long. The attack was one thing. Lots of people were attacked and mugged by strangers, especially in Kensington…but if her mother hadn't needed a fucking drink bad enough to send her baby out at midnight to get it for her, she'd never have been among those statistics.

But the anger and the bitterness…that could wait for another day. All she could feel now was the long-repressed pain, and she had no idea how long Scotty held her, no clue how long she cried, but eventually, her sobs quieted, and all she was aware of was Scotty's nearness, how tightly he held her, the reassuring rhythm of his heart, his comforting spicy scent…he was still there. She didn't know how he'd react, didn't know what he'd do…but she couldn't summon the energy to care. She'd finally told him, finally let him into the last walled-off part of her heart…and, for the moment anyway, he was still there.


	26. Precious Pain

**A/N: Is Scotty angsting? But of course. Is his angst what I thought it would be? Definitely not.**

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own these characters, since Kat is the only one who needs a spoon for her coffee.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Precious Pain**

_Everybody's got a hunger  
No matter where they are  
Everybody clings to their own fear  
Everybody hides some scar_

Scotty had no idea how long they sat there on the couch, clinging to one another for dear life. He'd wanted to help Lilly, honest he had, but it seemed to him that she'd been the one holding him up at first instead of the other way around, the way it should have been. Then, though…toward the end…that's when she'd finally let him in enough to see just how badly she'd been hurt, and he'd held her for what seemed like hours as she finally allowed herself to feel the pain of what had happened so long ago.

Gradually, the tears had subsided, and after a few moments of silence, he'd looked down and realized that, once again, she'd fallen asleep. He sat there for a few minutes, just holding her, stroking her hair, pressing the occasional kiss to the top of her head, and realizing that Jeffries was right: her sharing with him what had happened to her had been a gift, an indescribably precious one that he would treasure for the rest of his life. She'd told him the thing that had been torturing her since they opened this case, and, Scotty knew, since long before then. She'd let him into the most guarded, most closed-off place in her heart and allowed him to see her at her weakest, her most vulnerable…she trusted him enough to tell him what had happened.

For a few moments, Scotty just basked in that, but his gratitude toward her for actually telling him rapidly began to give way to heartbreak, and anger, over the fact that there had been something horrendous for her to tell him in the first place, something that it had taken her years to entrust to him, and he wasn't sure she would have even now had the case not brought it to a head. And he was someone she loved, someone she trusted, someone he hoped she knew would never, ever hurt her. But years ago, she'd been forced, at gunpoint, to tell that same secret to a madman. Yes, she'd done it to get the confession, Scotty knew that, and he knew her well enough to know that she'd weighed her options, and telling George was ultimately a choice she made. But he also knew what had gone on up there, how close she came to becoming that eleventh victim, and he knew that, no matter what she liked to think…staring down the barrel of George's gun, Lilly hadn't had much of a choice. That bastard had forced his way into the most vulnerable place in her heart for his own sick sense of self-gratification. No wonder she'd been so reluctant to tell him. No wonder the memories were so horribly painful this time around. No wonder she'd had that nightmare.

That was when Scotty realized he needed to be alone. Dark thoughts were tumbling rapidly through his mind, emotions were swirling in his heart, and Lilly needed to sleep. She didn't need his disturbance over what had happened to her to interrupt her much-needed rest. So, after a moment's careful consideration, he slid his arm under her knees, rose from the couch, and started to carry her up the stairs.

When the fifth step creaked, as it always did, Lilly stirred and moaned slightly, wrapping her arms even tighter around his neck, but her eyes never opened, and Scotty sighed with relief. Once upstairs, he gently laid her in the bed, draped the covers over her once more, then feathered a kiss across her lips and crept out of the room. He was sure glad she was sleeping, because he knew in his heart he wouldn't sleep another wink that night.

Gently pulling the door shut, he headed back downstairs, where he leaned against the windowsill and stared out into the dark streets, his heart and mind churning with memories, memories which he'd thought he'd drowned in scotch and blocked out long ago.

_George made me tell him…that's how he hunted me. _

Scotty sighed. Her 49. Of course. How the hell had he not managed to put two and two together? He'd known about that from her first interview with George. He and Stillman had been watching from Observation when George had dropped the bomb on Lilly that he'd read it, and that knowledge had disturbed Scotty then, but in the weeks that followed, Elisa's death had turned his world upside-down, and he hadn't given Lilly and her long-ago trauma much thought until George resurfaced.

The day they'd discovered the skulls, Scotty had had a chilling sense of foreboding, like something awful was about to happen. He didn't usually get those and didn't put much stock in them when he did, but he had to admit that this one was too powerful to ignore. That was why he'd pounced on the opportunity to apologize to Lilly. That sense of foreboding had something to do with her, and if there _was _something terrible about to happen, he'd be damned if his misstep with Christina was standing between them. He'd learned to take the opportunity to have important conversations whenever possible, because you never knew how long you had, never knew when, or if, you'd get another chance.

The apology had gone about as well as he could have expected, and afterwards, he'd tried to dismiss that premonition he had, but it had increased when Stillman warned Lilly to stay in the office, had reached a fever pitch when he kept calling her phone and getting bumped to voicemail, and when they reached George's farmhouse, he finally knew what he'd been fearing all day. Lilly was in the attic. Alone. With George.

For perhaps the only time in his life, Scotty had been the cautious one that night. He'd wanted Stillman to obey the rules; George had been chillingly clear as to what would happen if they violated the perimeter, but the boss wasn't having any of it. "I'm not losin' her, too, Scotty," he'd said, then cocked his rifle and headed in.

Those minutes after Stillman left had been the longest minutes of Scotty's life. They'd stretched into years…decades, even. He'd avoided his colleagues and gone off by himself, his eyes never leaving that farmhouse, willing Lilly to not give up, willing Stillman to not do anything stupid, willing himself to just keep standing, keep watching, no matter what happened…

…and then he heard the three gunshots.

He'd slumped beside the squad car, nearly in hysterics. Mere months after losing Elisa…now he'd lost Lilly, too. He realized then that even though Lilly and Elisa were two entirely different people who meant entirely different things to him…the pain was the same. It had welled up inside him until he nearly choked on it, his hands shaking, his tears unchecked…

…and then Stillman's voice came crackling over the radio. "Shots fired, suspect down, premises secured."

_Suspect down_. Nothing about an officer. Stillman's voice was calm, official, level like always. If anything had happened to Lilly, Scotty knew that wouldn't have been the case. Suddenly feeling foolish for panicking when absolutely nothing had happened to her, he hastily scrubbed the tears from his cheeks and tried to pull himself together before returning to stand watch with his colleagues.

But something _had _happened to Lilly, he realized now. Nothing physical, he knew that from the moments that followed, when Lilly had come out of the house, almost in a trance, saying nothing to anyone, meeting his eyes only briefly. He'd wanted to touch her, wanted to reach out and pull her into an embrace just to convince himself that she was real, that she wasn't just a figment of his imagination, but something had held him back. She'd changed somehow while she was in there, and she gave off an air of being simply untouchable.

Now he knew why. She'd been forced to relive her nightmare…for George. George Marks, of all people. George, who hadn't wanted to help, who hadn't wanted to share her burdens, who'd just wanted to get off on her fear and her panic before he shot her dead like all the rest. He could only imagine what had gone on up there in that attic, and the thought of what George had done to her made Scotty burn with rage as he stared out the window, both with George and with himself.

"You hurt her, George…I'll murder you," he'd threatened on the phone that night, and if he'd had any inkling of what that sick bastard had put his Lilly through in that attic, he'd have charged up there right alongside Stillman, perimeter be damned, and gone through with his threat then and there. But there was no need. Lilly had taken care of George herself.

But now, as the rage and helplessness began to build again, Scotty found himself wishing that son of a bitch were still alive so he _could _murder him. Because he _had_ hurt Lilly by making her relive that nightmare, by holding a gun to her head and threatening to kill her unless she told him everything that had happened, down to the most painful details.

Waves of guilt and regret washed over him as he stood there at the window. If he'd known, had any idea at all, that Lilly had been forced to talk about it with George, he never would have pressed her. No wonder she'd fought so hard to keep her secrets. No wonder she'd all but run away from him when he'd asked. It didn't make a damn bit of difference _why _he'd asked her, he'd still asked. And that had been enough. By asking her what had happened to her so long ago, he'd made her relive not only that horror, but the one that had happened to her much more recently. He'd wanted more than anything to help her, but he'd only made it worse.

The sound of softly padding footsteps cut through his maelstrom of self-loathing, and he turned to see Lilly standing a few feet away from him, still clad in his shirt, her hair cascading over her shoulders, the moonlight bathing her in an almost ethereal glow.

"Scotty?" she asked softly, her eyes searching, almost evaluating him.

"Yeah," he replied huskily as he scrubbed a hand over his face.

Lilly's heart sank at his appearance. It was just as she'd feared. He was worse off for her having told him. Knowing what had happened was tearing him apart even more than not knowing. _Dammit._

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I just thought telling you would…"

"You better as hell not be apologizin'," he muttered darkly, almost glaring at her. "You ain't the one who screwed up."

Aha. So _this _was the route he'd taken, Lilly realized with relief. He was blaming himself. Of _course_ he was blaming himself. Textbook Scotty. This, she decided, even in her weakened state, even in the ocean of loneliness she'd felt when she'd awakened a few minutes before and found an empty bed, _this, _she could handle.

Silently, she closed the gap between them and draped her arms over his bare shoulders, staying far enough back that she could look him square in the eye. She felt him flinch slightly at the contact, but she didn't let up, and gradually, he relaxed somewhat, though he still eyed her almost suspiciously.

"This isn't your fault, Scotty," she informed him gently.

"I did to you what he did," Scotty replied, his voice heavier than she'd ever heard it, and Lilly blinked in confusion.

"What…_who_ did, Scotty?" she asked slowly, ignoring her pounding heart and swirling thoughts.

"George," Scotty spat the name out like it was toxic. "He made you tell him what happened to you. And I swear to God, Lil, if I'd had any idea, I never woulda--"

"Stop it," Lilly ordered almost sharply, placing a finger to his lips. "You didn't force me to talk about it. You didn't hold a gun to my head. I chose to tell you because I thought it was the right thing to do. You wanted to help me, that's all you've ever wanted...and I wanted to let you."

The lump in his throat too large for him to speak, Scotty merely nodded. What in the world had he ever done to deserve the love of this woman? It simply astounded him.

"Come to bed," she pleaded, her eyes wide and bright with unshed tears. "I just need you to hold me for a while."

Scotty sighed. That he could do. Without another word, he let her take his hand and lead him back up the stairs.

He still didn't sleep another wink and he wasn't sure Lilly did, either. But they lay there until sunup, their arms around each other, Lilly pillowing her head on his shoulder and Scotty being reassured by the soft tickle of her breath across his chest. For the moment, it was enough.

* * *

The next morning, they both rose and dressed for work, still dragging a bit, but feeling much, much better than they had the night before. At least, Lilly knew she did. The nightmare had come, she'd dealt with it…and for the first time in her life, she'd called for help and someone had been there. Scotty had been there for her. Just like he'd always said he would be. Why the hell had she doubted him? Again? Would she never learn?

Despite the horrors she'd relived the night before, a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and Lilly felt surprisingly peaceful, maybe even happy…well, not happy, not until Annie's box was back on the shelf, but close to it. This was nothing like it had been after she'd told George. That night, she'd gone home and stared out the window until sunup, trembling from the trauma of what had happened, both that night and another spring night decades earlier. Stillman had driven her home and offered to sit with her for a while, but she'd politely declined, and she'd known from the look in Scotty's eyes that he'd have done the same, but she couldn't be around anyone that night. She was terrified, traumatized, and disgusted with what she'd done in that attic, and needed to reassure herself that, despite the fact that she'd taken a life, what George had said about her wasn't true. She wasn't like him. They weren't the same, or anything close to it.

But this morning…there was none of that. She felt that her burdens had finally been lifted, her handcuffs were off, and she was free. Free to do her job without fear that the memories would overwhelm her, free to go to work and not hide from her colleagues anymore. The whole squad didn't need to know what happened to her, nor would they ask. The one person who had needed to know now did, and she didn't have to worry about the strain her running from the truth would put on their relationship. Indeed, after all that, she'd finally stopped running.

Her peace, however, was dampened by the look on Scotty's face as they got ready to go in to work. That weight that had lifted from her shoulders seemed to have settled squarely on his. That was _not _what she'd hoped to accomplish, and frankly, she had no idea what to do about it. She hadn't meant for him to carry it, but, with a wry grin, she realized that it was Scotty, and this was what he did. He needed to process what had happened to her, she knew that, and he probably needed some space to do it.

When they got to the office, Vera and Jeffries informed her that they'd brought in Prater already and he was in the interview room waiting for someone. Anyone.

Lilly cast a glance in Stillman's direction, meeting his eyes squarely. She'd stopped running, she'd had several hours' sleep, and she was more ready for this interview than anything in her life.

Stillman studied Lilly carefully. She looked worlds better than she had the night before, that was for sure. She'd evidently gone home and slept, as he'd known she would the minute she stopped trying to fight it, and she looked…well, not relaxed, still grimly determined, but it was a peaceful, in-control, on-top-of things determination rather than the determination to run and hide that he'd seen in days past. Rush was right. She was ready.

"Go get 'im, Lil," Stillman said quietly, slapping the file into her hand.

Scotty emerged from the kitchen just then, having poured himself a cup of coffee, taken a couple grateful sips, and feeling marginally better. Lilly had definitely improved since the night before; she looked a bit more rested, and that heart-wrenching haunted look in her eyes was gone. Part of Scotty was relieved that the dark cloud that had been hanging over her since Saturday night had been dispelled, but another part of him was keenly aware of how heavily that dark cloud had settled over him. His anxiety over what had happened to her had been replaced by his dark thoughts of the night before, and daylight hadn't done much to dispel them, nor had the prospect of one of them interviewing Prater. During the course of the investigation, Scotty had uncovered the disturbing truth of just what kind of individual they'd be dealing with, and after what he'd learned the night before, after the raw, gut-wrenching pain Lilly had allowed him to see, and after knowing that George had forced her to go through that for his own perverse pleasure, he was certain Lilly wouldn't have any part of the interview. Who knew what the man would do to her? Scotty was pretty sure Prater didn't know Lilly's past, but the object of a confession was to get the details. Every last sickening detail, no matter how horrifying or twisted. It was their job. And with this case, knowing the similarities between Annie's murder and Lilly's attack…that would just force Lilly to relive it again.

So when he saw Stillman slap the file into her hand, Scotty's eyes widened in shock. How the hell could Boss possibly be letting her do this?

Scotty's mind raced with the possibilities as he glanced incredulously from Stillman to Lilly and back again. If Boss had any idea what they'd been through the night before, no way in hell would he let Lilly take a step into that interview room. There was no way he could communicate that, no way he'd break Lilly's confidence, but it was becoming clear to Scotty that he was the only one who knew the details. He had to be. Oh, Boss knew Lil had a 49, but if he knew what was in that 49? No way.

Increasingly frantic, Scotty did the only thing he could do, which was cross the office in about a step and stand defiantly between Lilly and the door to the interview room.

"No way," he said softly, folding his arms across his chest.

Lilly sighed in frustration. "Scotty," she began.

He didn't budge. "Not without me. You ain't even gonna _think _about doin' this without me," he declared, casting a desperate glance toward Stillman for backup. The boss hadn't gone completely off his rocker, had he?

Carefully, Stillman gave his detective the once-over. Valens looked better than he had the night before, no doubt about that. The swelling on his jaw had gone down, and now it was merely a dark shade of purple, not as obvious as it might have been on someone with lighter skin, but still there, still a testament to how far out of hand things had truly gotten. Scotty's eyes, though…his eyes were what made Stillman's decision for him. They were like two pieces of obsidian, haunted by something unseen, swirling with grief and anger and other things Stillman couldn't quite identify, but enough to make the right choice abundantly clear.

"Sorry, Scotty, I can't do it," he replied matter-of-factly.

"Boss," Scotty started to argue, then stepped closer to Stillman, ignoring Lilly's icy glare. "You can't let her go in there. Alone. With him," he insisted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper, hoping his tone and the look in his eyes would convey the exact reason why. _Surely you ain't forgettin' about George._

"I've got this, Boss," Lilly insisted, casting another brief glare at Scotty. She was ready for this, dammit, and if he insisted on hovering over her while she was trying to do her job, even though she knew exactly why he was hovering and couldn't really blame him for it, so help her, she'd--

Stillman studied Scotty once more, and in that moment, realized why his detective was so adamant. It wasn't that he was still worried about Lilly because he didn't know what had happened to her…no…now it seemed he was worried because he _did _know.

"She won't be alone," Stillman reassured Scotty, then raised his voice loud enough to be heard by the entire office. "Miller?" he called.

"Yeah, Boss?" a rejuvenated Kat answered.

"Feel like gettin' a confession?" he asked.

Kat's dark eyes lit up with eagerness as she studied Stillman, making sure he wasn't kidding.

"Absolutely," she replied, and this caused Vera's head to turn. He looked from her to Stillman and back to her again.

"Boss," he started to protest. Surely Stillman couldn't be suggesting that Kat, the mother of a ten-year-old girl whom Vera had recently realized, to his amazement, that he loved nearly as much as her mother, be in that interview room with someone who preyed on ten-year-old girls.

Stillman looked back and forth from Vera to Scotty. "You two aren't goin' anywhere near that interview room," he announced. "Not until those bruises fade."

Scotty and Vera glared briefly at one another, then turned their glares onto Stillman.

"You're welcome to watch from Observation," he informed them coolly, as he followed Lilly and Kat in. "We all will."

He held the door open for the squad, and they traipsed in, Scotty and Vera still glaring at one another like petulant schoolchildren. Stillman hesitated briefly as they entered the observation room, then said quietly, "They're ready for this. And if they prove that they're not, they'll be yanked faster than you can blink. Understood?"

Scotty nodded, somewhat mollified, and followed Vera into Observation.

* * *

Getting confessions was always a mixed bag, Scotty mused as they watched Lilly and Kat enter the room, where Prater sat almost smugly at the table. Sometimes, the doers would betray nothing; occasionally, they'd lawyer up, though not often, and sometimes…sometimes they were just waiting to tell. Their guilty consciences had been eating at them for years, decades, even, and all it took was pushing the right button to get them to spill their guts.

But Scotty could tell just by looking at Prater that he fell into another category altogether: the sick bastard was almost proud of what he'd done. That shit-eating grin on Prater's face told Scotty that Lilly wouldn't have to work hard to get this confession, but the knot of dread in the pit of his stomach told him that it might be difficult for her in an entirely different way.

Kat began by placing the photos of the three victims on the table in front of Prater, one by one, like she was dealing cards.

"Any of these look familiar?" she asked him, fixing him with the most lethal glare any of them had ever seen from her.

Prater picked up the pictures one by one, caressing the edge of each with a fingertip almost proudly, and Scotty fought back a wave of nausea. He was beginning to realize the wisdom, perhaps, of Stillman not letting him in that interrogation room, because even if he hadn't had a personal reason, this bastard was asking to get his face slammed into the table. Just _asking._

"What about this one?" Lilly asked, pointing to Annie's school photo.

"Yes…the blonde…" Prater reminisced almost fondly. "Charming little girl."

"What did you do to her?" Kat demanded as she leaned on the table and got right in his face, her fury barely beneath the surface.

"Same thing I did to all of them," he said quietly. "Bought a candy bar, then took her back to my car…"

"Did she fight back?" Lilly asked, her voice steely, her eyes like ice.

Prater smiled, a sick, twisted leer that made Scotty's stomach lurch with revulsion. "Oh, yes," he replied. "Quite the little fighter, that one. Made it all the more…satisfying," he finished, turning his leer onto Lilly.

Scotty gripped the windowsill so hard his knuckles turned white. That leer. He'd seen it before, and he knew that even though Lilly's face betrayed no emotion, she was remembering the same thing.

"You sick son of a bitch," he muttered, almost launching himself through the glass, but found himself restrained by the firm hand of Stillman, who met his eyes with a stern, yet compassionate gaze.

"She's got this," he reminded Scotty. "They've both got this."

Something about the way Stillman was looking at him, something in his tone of voice gave Scotty pause, at least for the moment. This wasn't just a glib expression of blind faith that his favorite detective would always be on top of things and in control, that she was perfect and could do no wrong and would let nothing shake her. No, Scotty realized as he peered into the steely depths of his boss's eyes…good God…Stillman _did _know. Perhaps he didn't know everything, but Scotty could tell beyond the shadow of a doubt that Stillman hadn't forgotten George, he hadn't forgotten that Lilly had a 49, and, if Scotty wasn't mistaken, Stillman even knew what that 49 contained. _Well, he's ahead of me, _Scotty mused wryly as the anger left him. _I ain't got it in me to look at that._

The rest of the interview passed in a blur as Scotty's mind raced with all the new information he'd suddenly uncovered, and before he knew it, Lilly was sliding the legal pad across the table toward Prater, a flicker of unassailable triumph in her otherwise expressionless blue eyes. Meeting her gaze, Scotty could tell she sensed his eyes on her even though she couldn't see them, and then she turned her attention back to Prater, who was scrawling his signature across the bottom of his confession almost as a gloat. Not bothering to waste another minute of her time looking at this pathetic waste of life, Lilly instead met Kat's eyes. The two women exchanged a glance that said a million words, and then Lilly nodded to Kat. With a sense of grim triumph and a strength Scotty didn't know his partner possessed, she hauled the large man to his feet, called him a couple of gratuitously nasty names, and slapped him in handcuffs, hauling him out the door with the power of a hurricane. Vera immediately pounced and grabbed Prater's other elbow, but Scotty could tell from the look in his partner's eyes that, though she didn't mind Vera helping her, she could have hauled six Praters off to jail unassisted.

* * *

After Kat and Vera returned from lockup, having handed Prater over to the officers there, the detectives spent the rest of the day catching up on paperwork. The frenzied pace of the investigation had left little time for filling out interview reports and all the other i-dotting and t-crossing that normally drove them all insane.

But this time, after this case…a little paperwork seemed to be just what they needed. They worked together in companionable silence, each with his or her own thoughts about the case, but the mood in the office was lighter than it had been in days, and with each line they scribbled, with each glance they gave one another, the ugliness of the case gradually faded. Scotty knew that all was well when he and Vera began a friendly argument about whether Philly's offensive brilliance or the Cowboys' defensive collapse had led to the Eagles' improbable victory over Dallas, and when Kat and Jeffries began snarking one another over God alone knew what. Even Lilly had joined in, earning surprised glances from the others, and Scotty couldn't help but smile a bit. The case was over, and Lilly was much, much better.

He wished he could say the same for himself.

As the afternoon wore on, the paperwork got finished, the boxes got packed up, and Stillman made the announcement that the detectives, after such a horrifying job, were all to take the next couple days off. Normally, such a suggestion would have been met with an outcry, but Scotty noticed his colleagues all glancing gratefully at one another and not saying a word. Stillman said, with some reluctance, that he'd be calling them in if there was anything that simply couldn't wait, but he was hoping against hope that that wouldn't be the case.

"Ready to go?" Lilly asked Scotty as she shrugged into her coat. "I'm starved…wanna try that new Thai place?"

"I…gotta stay back," he said hesitantly. "Boss is waitin' on that new fax machine to get here, and he wanted me to help him figure it out." It was the truth; Stillman had requested help with the new machine the week before, but delivery had been delayed, and Scotty knew there was a chance it might arrive yet that evening. That wasn't the real reason, though, and he was pretty sure Lilly could figure that out.

Lilly searched his eyes, wondering why her boyfriend was being so evasive. He clearly wasn't okay yet, and she realized that, although getting Prater's confession, putting that box on the shelf, and seeing Annie Potter and those two other girls grinning at her was enough to get her back to her old self, with what she'd told Scotty, she'd be a fool not to think he needed some time to process it. At least, she hoped that's all it was.

"Okay," she finally agreed. "I'll pick us up some dinner…see you later?" she asked him hopefully.

Scotty merely nodded, and she tossed him another concerned glance, then headed out.

A few minutes after she left, the fax machine arrived, and Scotty helped Stillman unpack it and get it set up. The two worked in companionable silence, Stillman thumbing through the three-inch thick, multi-lingual instruction manual while Scotty poked his way around the machine and finally figured out which combination of buttons would actually send a fax.

"Looks like it's all ready to go, Boss," Scotty announced as the machine purred contentedly and spit out a perfect fax.

"Well, that saved me a bundle of time," Stillman replied gratefully, tossing the instruction manual into a file cabinet, then turning back to face Scotty, who was studying the machine pensively, seemingly wrestling with something.

"What's on your mind, Scotty?" he asked, his voice kind.

"Lil told me last night," Scotty began hesitantly. "About…her 49."

Stillman nodded as his suspicions were confirmed. "I was hopin' she might get around to that," he remarked casually.

"You knew all along," Scotty continued slowly, not quite sure how to address this sensitive subject with his boss.

Stillman nodded and rubbed a hand over the top of his head. "Wish I didn't…but I do."

"When did you…y'know…?" Scotty began, hoping the boss could fill in the gaps.

"When we were after George," Stillman replied quietly, still feeling a chill run down his spine, even nearly three years removed from that experience. "I read her 49. I didn't want to, but…I had to know what we were dealing with so I could decide whether or not to keep Lil on the case."

"And you kept her on it," Scotty replied, frowning in mystification.

Stillman smiled slightly. "There wasn't a decision to make, Scotty. If I took her off, she'd know why…and she'd never have forgiven me."

Scotty chuckled despite the gravity of the situation. "I hear that, Boss," he said, remembering the look in Lilly's eyes that morning when he'd tried to keep her out of the interview room.

"You had second thoughts about it," Scotty realized suddenly. "You knew he'd go after her."

"I did," Stillman admitted. "I kept thinkin' I shoulda taken her off that job, 'cause if anything had happened to her, I'd…" he shuddered involuntarily under another wave of guilt. He'd blamed himself off and on for keeping her on that case, for leaving her unattended in the office with merely instructions to stay put. As though that would stop his headstrong detective.

"I know, Boss," Scotty replied softly, suddenly realizing why Stillman had been so determined that night, why he'd charged into the attic despite George's instructions...

Stillman looked reflective for a moment, then shuddered again. "We almost lost her, Scotty," he commented, his eyes dark and heavy with what nearly had been a reality.

The swirling thoughts Scotty had had the night before returned with a vengeance, only this time, they focused not on George, but on Lilly, and all the things that never would have happened if George had emerged victorious. That night in Nashville, when that precious glass of scotch was all he'd needed to lower his inhibitions enough to do the stupidest, yet most brilliant thing he'd ever done in his life. That afternoon in Stillman's office, when they'd given into the passion they just couldn't fight. The way she looked when she came down the stairs the night of their first date. The look in her eyes that night in New York on the bridge. All those lazy Sunday afternoons with the cats and silly movies. That weekend trip they'd taken in July to the Jersey shore, when the sight of Lilly in a bikini had rendered him incapable of words with more than one syllable for about a day and a half. Those trips to Jones' with the co-workers. His grandmother's birthday party. The way he'd finally emerged from the dark, cold loneliness of shattered dreams and life without Elisa and had embraced a new dream for the future, one filled with light and hope and happiness…the images and memories blurred together, faster and faster, crystallizing into the shudder-inducing realization of how horribly, painfully close he'd come to losing all that.

Stillman watched Scotty and observed the change in his demeanor. "You need to be with her," he announced after a long moment. "You need to go home and enjoy her. I think we've figured this thing out," he said with a chuckle, gesturing to the fax machine.

"Yeah," Scotty replied absently, the churning memories making him suddenly only dimly aware of his boss's presence. Without another word, he grabbed his coat and nearly sprinted out of the office.

Boss was right. He needed to be with Lilly.

* * *

When the front door creaked open, Lilly couldn't keep her heart from leaping just a little. She'd been telling herself Scotty just needed some time to come to terms with things, just needed some space to process…but she was still relieved that he'd actually come over. She hadn't been sure he would, and, well…she needed him.

"Hey," she said lightly as she came over to where he was shrugging out of his overcoat and hanging it on the rack. "You hungry? I've already eaten, but there's some Pad Thai in the fridge."

She lightly trailed her fingers up his arms, but he startled her by abruptly turning around and, without a word, embracing her so tightly she could barely breathe, burying his face in her shoulder and inhaling deeply, as though she was his oxygen.

"Scotty?" she asked in confusion, returning his embrace with a bit less ferocity.

He pulled away, but still gripped her tightly, his eyes hollow, his expression tortured, and her heart sank as she recognized that look. It was the same look he'd had the night she left that attic. The same look he'd had during the last months with Elisa. The look she'd been hoping to wipe from his features since the minute they opened this case. The same damn look.

"Scotty," she began hastily, hoping to snatch him before he sunk down into that abyss, the abyss that was part of the reason she'd never told him in the first place. "Telling you helped me." He didn't answer, so she took that as leave to continue. "That confession today…if I were still locking it all inside, if I hadn't told you, if you hadn't been there…I wouldn't have gotten through it. Just knowing you were on the other side of that glass helped me more than you'll ever know."

Love flooded through her heart as she realized how much he truly had helped her, how much he'd been able to save her from already, and she just couldn't suppress her smile, couldn't stop that grin from spreading across her face. God knew it was the wrong time, the most inappropriate reaction she could possibly be having, but to be loved, like this, by someone so wonderful…she couldn't contain her joy.

"I just…love you so much," she said, hoping that simple statement would convey everything she was feeling.

Scotty knew Lilly had been talking, and he'd tried his damnedest to follow her words, but he just couldn't. He couldn't concentrate on what she was saying when she was looking at him like that, her blue eyes wide and shining with love, her smile sparkling brilliantly, her cheeks flushed with life and health and youth, when she could have so easily been the one in that body bag instead of George, and as he continued to study this beautiful creature he'd almost lost to the jaws of death…suddenly being with her wasn't enough. Not when she had on that gorgeous form-fitting sweater he loved so much, not when her gentle curves were beckoning his hands and the faint aroma of that flowery shampoo was filling his senses and making his head spin. More than being with her, he needed to feel her wildly pounding heart, to hear the way she screamed his name when she climaxed, to breathe deeply of her intoxicating scent, to feel the sweet pressure of her fingers digging into his back, to lose himself in the heat and the sweat and the madness of sex. He needed to know she was alive and well, plain and simple. Needed the reassurance that she was still there.

Lilly saw the change in his eyes, from dark sorrow to something blazing with desire and determination that spoke not just of lust, not even of need, but of a nearly insatiable hunger. For her. She felt a shiver run down her spine at the thrill of just how badly he seemed to need her at that moment, as he gazed at her, his chest rising and falling with his rapid breaths, his smoldering eyes clearly communicating his intentions toward her, warning her, almost…and making her want him just as badly, she realized, as she felt the heat of desire begin to spiral throughout her body.

Without another word, his lips devoured hers, and their legs tangled together as they stumbled up the stairs.

* * *

Scotty fell back on the pillows in a sweaty, breathless heap as Lilly collapsed next to him, her skin glowing and her smile even more dazzling than before.

"Oh, God, Scotty," she managed, and all he could do was watch her. She'd definitely proven she was alive, that was for sure…the things she'd just done to him, the way she'd made him want her so badly it had actually, physically hurt, and then the mind-blowing release…he'd have thought he'd feel better, but…he didn't.

Lilly squeaked in surprise as Scotty suddenly rolled on top of her and brushed a few damp blonde strands away from her neck.

"Already?" she panted, her eyes wide with astonishment. "But I still can't--" _Can't move. Can't breathe. Can't do anything…_

"Shhh," Scotty whispered, then leaned in to trail kisses over the curve of her jawline. Lilly's eyes fell closed and she couldn't even think; she'd barely recovered from the first round, she was still shaking and trying to draw a full breath, and here he was--

And suddenly, she realized what he was doing, as his lips gently slid closer and closer to the place where her jaw had been broken. She stopped breathing altogether, shutting down almost completely, and her eyes snapped open.

"What are you doing?" she demanded softly, but Scotty wouldn't budge. Grabbing his slick shoulders, she tried to push him away, but he stopped her efforts with a look, then gazed deeply into her eyes.

"You screamed for help, and no one came," he said thickly.

"Scotty," she started to protest, but the look in his eyes stopped her once more.

"That is never, _ever_ gonna happen to you again," he said as emphatically as he could. "Not as long as I'm still alive and kickin'…that is never gonna happen to you again."

Lilly met his gaze, then trailed her fingers through the damp hair at his temples. "I know," she said softly, and with that, she took a deep breath and tentatively lifted her chin, wordlessly granting him access to all her physical and emotional scars.

He sighed when he found the spot, his tongue tracing the slightly swollen ridge of bone, all the swirling emotions in his heart pouring out through his lips, and gradually, Lilly felt herself melting at his touch. Her hands stopped trying to push him away and instead wound their way around his neck, cupping the back of his head.

"Never again," he murmured over and over as he kissed her, his voice trembling slightly as the fire of lust began to burn again, as though it had been years since they'd come together instead of mere moments. "I promise. Never again."

"I know," she whispered, then claimed his lips in the most passionate, love-filled kiss she'd ever given anyone in her life.

Maybe it wasn't too soon for round two.


	27. Angel

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. They own a lot of angst.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Angel**

_I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
And weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

It hadn't been too soon for round two. Or three. Or four. Or however many it had been. By the time they finally collapsed in a sweaty heap of exhausted satisfaction, Lilly had lost count. Scotty's hands had been everywhere, his lips had been everywhere, there wasn't a single part of her body that he hadn't laid claim to, and it had been with a dark, driven intensity, the likes of which were foreign to her. It was like he was on some sort of mission that simultaneously had everything, and yet nothing, to do with sex, and she'd never seen that from him before. It thrilled her, of course, but it also frightened her a little. However, she hadn't had much time to think about it. By the time they finished, her brain was completely and totally fried, her over-stimulated senses were crying uncle, and her body was begging for sleep.

The next morning when Lilly awoke, Scotty was still dead to the world, and she realized he must have been even more worn out than she was. As wakefulness began to overtake her, she sighed happily at the memories of the night before, when Scotty had taken her places she didn't know she could go, when he'd made her feel things she didn't know it was possible to feel…she should have been happy, she realized, and most of her was; she felt intensely and thoroughly loved, and that warmth was rapidly spreading its way throughout her whole body…but she just couldn't shake that nagging sense that something wasn't quite right, that Scotty wasn't quite okay yet, that there was something still bothering him. Usually, after sex, he'd be absolutely beaming, his skin radiant and glowing and his eyes warm and shining with love, but this time, the smile was mysteriously absent, and his eyes had remained dark and haunted. Almost doggedly, he'd tried again, and again, giving her some of the best sex of her life, and she could tell from the panted words and primal sounds that tore from his throat that he was certainly enjoying it, too, but he just…wasn't himself.

Lilly would have lain there for hours, basking in the sunshine, watching the gentle rise and fall of Scotty's chest and pondering his emotional state, but her growling stomach suddenly made the valid argument that further musing would be pointless until she'd had something to eat. She wasn't usually this hungry first thing in the morning, but she also wasn't used to that much activity that late at night, either, she reminded herself with a rueful smile as she climbed from bed, wincing at the protest of muscles she, frankly, didn't have any idea she even possessed, and slipped into Scotty's shirt. The cats were still sleeping, so she left them in the bedroom and padded downstairs, trying to decide what she wanted to make for breakfast, because a handful of corn flakes definitely wasn't going to cut it. Not this morning. Truthfully, she'd gotten away from that; ever since that wonderful day when Scotty had taught her to make pancakes, she'd whipped those up far more often, especially on the weekends when they didn't have to go anywhere.

Pancakes sounded good, but in her famished state, Lilly realized that they wouldn't be enough. She found herself craving…fruit, she decided, as she poked around in her fridge gathering the ingredients for pancakes. _Fat chance of me havin' any of that in here, _she mused, moving aside a few Chinese takeout containers at whose age she could only guess. As expected, she had nothing but a package of ham for the cats, assorted leftovers, some beer in the back, and a small glass jar that made Lilly smile in recognition as it came into view. Anita's homemade guava preserves. Lilly had almost forgotten she had them. The jar was about half full, still plenty for at least one more batch. Guava. That tangy, tropical flavor would certainly satisfy her craving, and she knew for a fact that Scotty wouldn't complain.

With a satisfied smile, she grabbed the dough from the freezer and the rolling pin from her drawer and set to work.

* * *

A while later, Scotty awoke to a gentle kneading on his midsection, and a smile crossed his face.

"Mornin', Lil," he murmured, snuggling closer to her side of the bed. But, to his surprise, he didn't meet the warm, slender body he expected to find. Instead, he met a small, furry creature who meowed an indignant protest when he got too close.

Slightly startled, he opened his eyes, breathing a sigh of relief and chuckling to himself as he realized that the kneading he'd felt had come from Tripod, who was perched on top of him attempting to make his stomach a more suitable bed, whereas Olivia was to his right, irate that her slumber had been disturbed. She glared half-heartedly at Scotty with her one eye, then, point made, she lowered her head back down to her paws, the ridge of fur on her back twitching peevishly.

Scotty rolled his eyes at the cat's petulance, then reached out his hand in a blind search for Lilly. To his surprise, however, her half of the bed was empty. Cold, too.

A cold, empty bed…and with that, another repressed memory surfaced, a memory of a chilly winter morning three years before when he reached out a hand to take Elisa in his arms and realized that her half of the bed was cold. This wasn't unusual, especially toward the end; she hadn't stayed over in the months since Scotty had broken it off, but that morning, a few days after her death, when his hand hit that cold pillow, an ocean of nearly inconsolable grief had swallowed him up as he clutched the pillow tightly and realized that he was never going to wake up next to her sweet face again, never going to wrap her in his arms, never going to catch the lingering whiff of her perfume on his sheets. Elisa was gone. Really and truly gone.

_Get a grip, Valens, _he chided himself, attempting to scratch and claw his way out of the emotional abyss into which he was rapidly returning. _That was a long time ago, and it wasn't Lil. Lil's here. She's fine. She didn't go nowhere. _

_But she almost did, _his panicked heart reminded him, and he struggled to a sitting position, suddenly desperate to find her.

He saw no sign of her, and even though his rational mind knew he was being utterly ridiculous, he just couldn't stop the waves of panic and dread that were threatening to drag him out to sea…until he smelled the delicious aroma wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.

_For God's sake, Valens, she's makin' breakfast, _his brain scolded him gently.

Lilly was…making breakfast? That couldn't be right.

But it was. And not just _any _breakfast. That aroma, he realized, was none other than guava turnovers. Lil was making turnovers. Again. That tangy aroma would never, ever fail to touch his heart and make him fall even more in love with her than he already was.

_We almost lost her, Scotty._

Stillman's words echoed in the chamber of his mind, reminding him all over again of how very much he'd come so close to losing, and suddenly, the longing for her, even though he knew she hadn't gone far, she was only in the kitchen, was still so intense it almost hurt, and, decision made, he slipped into his boxers and went downstairs to find her.

* * *

When he got to the kitchen, the delectable, heady aroma of the turnovers was almost overwhelming, although he was sure that was just his heightened senses talking. He was suddenly hyper-aware of everything from the smell of the baking pastries to the competing aroma of…good God, were those pancakes? The air in the kitchen was thick with heat from the oven, and in the middle of it all, ladling a spoonful of pancake batter onto the griddle, clad only in his dress shirt, the hem of it brushing her thighs, one side slipping down just far enough to reveal a single creamy shoulder, her skin flushed and glowing from the oven's warmth, with a faint smear of batter on her cheek from when she'd no doubt shoved a lock of hair behind her ear in a fit of irritation….was Lilly.

_Holy mother of God, _he thought, as a dizzying wave of heat washed through him. If it was possible to die from wanting someone, Scotty was sure he was close.

Lilly turned at the sound of his footsteps, a dazzling smile crossing her face, and Scotty's already racing heart sped up even more.

"Morning, Scotty," she greeted him, both thrilled and just the slightest bit frightened at the dark, sultry intensity she saw glittering in his eyes. In a heartbeat, she knew exactly what he wanted, and the way he was looking at her…God, she didn't know how he did it, didn't know what it was about that look, but…he was making her want exactly the same thing.

"Mornin,'" he responded, closing the gap between them and making a beeline for her side. His tongue traced circles on her cheekbone, and she couldn't help but giggle. She'd had no idea she was ticklish there.

"Scotty," she laughed, playfully swatting him. "That tickles."

"You got pancake batter on your cheek," he explained, pulling away from her with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I was just helpin' you out."

Lilly knew she was fanning the flames, knew she was playing with fire, but she couldn't stop herself. Dipping a finger into the pancake batter while Scotty wasn't looking, she then playfully smeared it onto the tip of his index finger.

"Hmmm," she mused teasingly. "Looks like you might need some help as well."

As realization dawned and his eyes darkened with lust, she gently removed his hand from the side of her face and slid his finger into her mouth, grazing its length with her teeth as her tongue danced in circles around the tip of it, her gaze locked on Scotty. He gasped, then let out a groan as he closed his eyes in bliss and wrapped his free hand tightly around her waist, holding her close enough to him that she knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, exactly the effect she was having.

"You got any idea what you're doin' to me?" he inquired breathlessly, his voice low and oozing with desire.

"Mm-hm," Lilly purred, slowly releasing his finger.

Scotty's eyes flew open, the expression in them almost wild, and Lilly was thrilled by the dangerous, carnal side of him she seemed to have unleashed once more. He attacked her lips then, kissing her desperately, his hands tangling in her flaxen hair as he pressed her against the counter.

"Scotty," she managed to gasp as he released her lips and began kissing a scorching trail down her throat. "The pancakes…"

Without missing a beat, Scotty continued to kiss Lilly's neck, but released her with one hand while sliding the other down her back to grip her waist, then, with his free hand, he fumbled around on the counter for the spatula and slid it underneath the two pancakes that were nearing doneness on the griddle. Opening one eye long enough to locate a plate, he flipped the pancakes onto it, then blindly tossed the spatula onto the counter and returned his full attention to Lilly.

"Better?" he asked against her lips.

"Impressive," she replied as she ran her hands feverishly over the muscles in his shoulders. "Didn't know you could do that."

"Oh, you got no idea what I'm capable of," he panted as he lifted her up and settled her on the counter opposite the stove, then, his lips never leaving hers, he grabbed the two sides of his shirt and literally tore it off her, the buttons flying in all directions and clattering noisily to the floor, the counter, maybe even the kitchen sink...

"God, Scotty," Lilly exclaimed in both surprise and desire as he pushed the fabric roughly from her shoulders and slid his hands over her burning skin, sending a shiver down her spine and causing warning bells to, once again, go off in her head. Something still wasn't right. This wasn't just his usual lustful frenzy. This was…madness. Desperation. Something almost frighteningly dark.

But then Scotty's hands slipped lower, hers, of their own accord, shoved his boxers down, and the raging desire that flooded her body rendered her completely incapable of any coherent thought, just the all-consuming fire of need.

* * *

"Holy crap, Scotty," Lilly gasped as her head fell forward and came to rest on his shoulder, while he leaned his hands against the counter on either side of her, his sweat-glazed chest heaving for each breath as he tried desperately just to remain standing.

"That was…" words simply failed her. He was right. She'd had no idea what he was capable of. She leaned on him for support, clutching his arms, knowing that he was the only thing that was keeping her from collapsing in a heap on the counter.

"You okay?" he managed to ask, his voice hoarse.

"Perfect," Lilly replied, and he could feel her smiling against his shoulder and fervently wished he could share her joy.

"Are you?" she asked, raising her head to meet his eyes, which were a bit brighter than before, but still dark and glittering with something she couldn't quite name.

"Never better," he lied, trying to keep his tone as light as possible. He was better, quite a bit better…at least, physically. And the dark clouds that had been hanging over him since the memories of that night in the woods had started to resurface were dissipating somewhat, but he knew from experience that before too long, they'd descend on him again, and he'd be right back where he started, as though the almost indecent number of times they'd had sex since the previous evening had never even happened. Lilly, however, seemed to sense how badly he needed this, needed _her, _and if her ecstatic shrieks had been any indication, she'd been more than happy to oblige. Suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude, he leaned in for another kiss.

Lilly was slightly startled by his lips on hers again, but she welcomed them eagerly. Something about the way he was kissing her, though…it told her that whatever mission he was on, whatever was driving him, was still firmly in control, despite his slightly lighter mood. It was like he was running from something…again…and she was powerless to speculate at what, because the next thing she knew, his tongue was twining around hers, her hands were absently tracing patterns over the slick skin of his back, and the capability of coherent thought was flying out the window.

The grating electronic buzz of the oven timer jolted them both back to reality.

"The turnovers," Lilly groaned as she reluctantly broke their kiss. She'd completely forgotten she'd even made those turnovers, let alone that they were in the oven. Slowly, she opened her eyes, looked around, and began to get her bearings again. They were in the kitchen, surrounded by pancakes and turnovers and other things that demanded her attention.

"Guess one of us has to move," Scotty replied with a wry grin.

"You first," she pouted, her head falling forward onto his shoulder again. She hoped to God he could move, because she knew for a fact that she still couldn't.

"You're at least sittin' down," he pointed out stubbornly. "I leave this counter, my legs might give out."

"But you're blocking me in," Lilly observed, raising her head from his shoulder and meeting his eyes with a broad, victorious smile. "So…you have to move no matter what."

"Dammit," Scotty replied, realizing that she was absolutely right. "Here goes nothin'," he said, grinning wryly as he pushed himself off the counter, and, to his surprise, was able to remain upright.

"Hey, your legs didn't give out," Lilly chirped, tossing him an oven mitt. As he turned around and bent to open the oven door, she realized a previously undiscovered perk to making Scotty be the one to rescue the turnovers.

"Enjoyin' the view?" he asked cockily, as though reading her mind.

"Mm-hm," Lilly replied spacily, slipping his shirt back over her shoulders and blotting her neck and chest with the sleeve.

"Mmmm…delicious," Scotty commented as he placed the cookie sheet containing the turnovers on the stovetop and glanced over his shoulder at her.

"Thanks," she replied with a smile. "Your mom's recipe never fails."

"I wasn't talkin' about the turnovers," he grinned, sliding the spatula underneath the first one to jiggle it loose from the cookie sheet.

Hopping off the counter, Lilly swatted him playfully, then tried to button the shirt and realized, with chagrin, that every last button had popped off during their frenzy. She spied most of them on the floor and bent to pick them up, feeling Scotty's eyes on her with every movement.

"You know how to sew, Valens?" she asked as she started to gather the buttons.

Scotty laughed aloud, the first genuine laugh she'd heard from him in days. "Do I look like the kinda guy who knows how to sew?" he asked.

Lilly raked her eyes over his muscled form once more, then joined in his laughter. "Good point," she conceded, grabbing a button from the counter next to him and planting a kiss on his shoulder.

"Do you?" he asked, arching a brow at her.

Lilly only laughed harder as she continued her search for the missing buttons.

"Guess someone owes me a new shirt, then," Scotty concluded with a chuckle, grabbing another plate from the cabinet and piling the turnovers onto it.

"You're the one who ripped it off," she pointed out, her heart racing with the memory as she counted up the buttons in her palm to make sure she had them all. _Still missing one…_

"And if you hadn't done what you did to my finger," Scotty retorted, his eyes sparkling with a hint of mischief, "then I wouldn't have had to rip the shirt off."

"If you hadn't looked at me…the way you looked at me," Lilly shot back, fumbling for words, "I wouldn't have done that that thing to your finger." _Where the hell is that button?_

"And if you didn't look so damn hot this mornin'," Scotty concluded with a note of triumph, "I wouldn'ta looked at you like that."

Lilly sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry," she replied sarcastically. "I'll try not to get all gussied up for you next time."

Scotty grinned. "I'm gonna think you look hot no matter what," he declared.

"Have you seen that last button?" she asked him, frowning as she searched the countertop once more.

"Nah, but it'll turn up," he answered. "Besides," he added with a grin, "ain't like we're savin' that shirt anyway."

"True," Lilly agreed, shoving the buttons into the breast pocket as Scotty ladled a spoonful of pancake batter onto the griddle.

"Crap," Lilly exclaimed, smacking herself in the forehead. "I completely forgot about the pancakes."

"I didn't," Scotty told her. "My stomach wouldn't let me."

Lilly crept up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I was wondering if you were gonna get hungry anytime soon," she remarked. "All the calories we've been burnin'…"

"Oh, yeah…" Scotty replied huskily. "Starvin'." The look he gave her indicated that it wasn't for food.

Lilly's eyes widened. _Again? _

"Can we wait until after breakfast? I'm actually hungry," she said. "Like, for food."

"Why do you think I'm makin' the pancakes for you?" he asked with a lopsided grin. "If we were waitin' on your lazy ass, we'd be here 'till dinnertime."

"Shut up and eat a turnover," she ordered playfully, grabbing one of the pastries and shoving it gently into his mouth.

* * *

A few minutes later, they'd cooked all the pancakes, and they elected to take their plates into the living room and eat in front of the fireplace. The living room was chilly compared to the heat of the kitchen, so Scotty quickly built a fire while Lilly dug into her pancakes, wishing she could have waited, but she was simply famished.

After the fire had been coaxed to life, Scotty returned to sprawl on his stomach and wolf down his pancakes. The faster he ate, the sooner he could requisition Lil's shirt again, and the sooner he could get that brief window of happiness before the clouds overtook him once more.

He could already feel them starting to steal into his soul as he watched her, and he called on all the powers of his rational mind to fight them off. His eyes locked on her, willing himself to concentrate on _her_, on the woman he could see right in front of him, clad in the now-buttonless dress shirt that did little to hide, well, much of anything at all, really, digging into her pancakes as though she hadn't eaten in a year, cursing softly around her mouthful as a lock of her hair slipped over her shoulder and dangled in the puddle of syrup on her plate.

He reached out a hand to brush that wayward lock of hair behind her ear, gazing into the depths of her sapphire eyes and reveling in the slight smile of wordless thanks she gave him.

_See, Valens? She's fine. _Scotty found himself able to return her smile, felt the clouds start to lift and the sunshine that was Lilly begin to shine through.

Sighing with relief, he turned his attention back to his pancakes and took another large bite. She was fine. They were fine. Everything was--

His mantra was interrupted by the shock of biting down on something hard, almost painfully hard, something that was definitely not pancake. Tentatively, he swallowed the rest of his bite and fished the foreign object out with his tongue, and he was so focused on the task at hand that when the memories blindsided him, he was caught completely off-guard.

Without warning, he was rocketed back to the age of twelve, when his Uncle Esteban had been talked into going deer hunting with some of his buddies, and he'd brought home a buck the likes of which Scotty had never seen. His dad had proudly roasted the deer that night, except, since none of them were well versed in the finer points of hunting, they hadn't quite gotten all the buckshot out, and Scotty had bitten down on some of it so hard that it had knocked out his last baby tooth.

Esteban had proudly had the deer head stuffed and mounted on his wall, and the next weekend, they'd all gone over to his place to have a look at it, and Scotty remembered, at that young age, being disturbed by the black marble orbs that replaced the eyes. He'd had that same chill run down his spine years later, when he and Lil had gone to the army surplus store to ask about Peter Broadski, when he'd spied that glass bowl of deer eyes…

Deer eyes. In the skulls. Facing the attic.

_That's how he hunted me._

Lilly's words echoed hauntingly over and over, a whole chorus of Lillys chanting almost maniacally in his head. George really had been after her. He really did want her to be his next victim. She, like the others, survived a violent crime, she'd run away, she'd fought, she'd survived…and he'd wanted to make her run again, wanted to take her to those woods and chase her until she collapsed, then wanted to watch her plead for her life before he pulled the trigger and added her skull to the collection of--

"Scotty?" Lilly's voice broke through the storms in his mind.

"Found your missin' button," he announced grimly, removing it from his mouth with two fingers and lowering it to the plate.

"It got in the pancake batter?" Lilly laughed, her eyes sparkling with mirth and merriment. "Oh, that's hysterical."

_She's laughing, Valens. She's alive, she's well, she's laughing…_

…_and you came so close to never hearing that again._

Lilly's laughter died down suddenly as she realized that Scotty hadn't joined in, and she gasped silently when she saw that the dark intensity in his gaze was back with a vengeance, and, if she wasn't mistaken, was overlaid with the sheen of tears.

Lilly frowned in confusion. He'd been fine…at least, she'd thought he was fine. They were laughing and joking and eating pancakes and turnovers and enjoying the crackling of the fire, and then all of a sudden, she'd lost him. He'd gone somewhere in his mind, somewhere dark, and she didn't know where it was or why, but she realized that she wasn't going to have time to figure it out this time, either, not with the way he was looking at her, not with the way he was shoving their plates out of the way and reaching for her again.

"Scotty," she started to protest. "What the hell--?"

He managed to stop himself only long enough to offer the briefest of explanations. "I need you," he stated simply, around what sounded suspiciously like a lump in his throat. "Please, Lil."

"Okay," Lilly agreed softly, startled by his seething emotions, and then all words were lost as he pounced on her again and rolled her in front of the fire, grabbing a pillow from the couch and sweeping it under her head in a single fluid motion as he devoured her lips once more.

* * *

Sighing shakily, Lilly was trying, once again, to recover, brushing her sodden bangs out of her eyes with a trembling hand as Scotty hovered over her, finished, but still not sated, at least, not from the look she could see in his eyes. They'd lightened a bit, again, but this time they still shone with what looked like tears, although she couldn't be sure until he kissed her once more, almost feverishly, then rolled off her onto his back with a guttural moan that sounded suspiciously like pain. His gaze was still dark and haunted, his smile absent, and…yes, that was a tear trickling out of the corner of his eye and mingling with the rivulets of sweat that traced their way into his dark hair.

"Scotty," Lilly began as she struggled to roll over onto her side and prop herself up onto one elbow. "Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly. _Talk about a dumb question, Rush._

The only response she got was Scotty's ragged breathing as he stared up at the ceiling, trying in vain to blink back his tears, and for a few moments, she wasn't even sure he'd heard her, but then he spoke. "No," he replied honestly.

"Do you…wanna talk about it?" she asked slowly.

"No," he answered, with far less hesitation. Regardless of whether or not he wanted to, he was beginning to wonder if he even _could._ Those memories were so dark…so painful…

"Scotty," she insisted quietly as her gentle hand wiped his forehead. "Whatever it is…you need to talk about it." A sense of dread began to well up within her…this wasn't about them, was it?

How the hell did she know what he needed? "I do better not talkin'," he replied stubbornly, rolling onto his side so his back was toward her.

Lilly sighed in exasperation. It was different with suspects. She didn't care whether or not she hurt them, didn't care whether they got upset and yelled at her, threatened her, insulted her, walked out on her...but when it was the man she loved, it was entirely different.

"I talked," she pointed out, seizing on the one thing she knew might possibly persuade him. "I told you what happened to me."

Inwardly, Scotty reeled off a string of obscenities, both English and Spanish, and even a couple Russian swear words Vera had taught him once when things got slow around the office. She was right. She had told him what happened to her.

"What happened to you, Scotty?" she asked, her voice kind, but unyielding, and he let out a sigh of frustrated defeat. He knew that he could fight it all he wanted, but Lilly would eventually break him, just like she broke everyone in the interview room. This could go easy or hard, he knew, but he also knew she'd win, and, although with anyone else, in any other circumstances, he'd put up a hell of a fight, but right now, at that moment…he just didn't have it in him to fight Lil.

"Fine," he snapped as he rolled to face her, his eyes still haunted and broken, but blazing now with a deep-seated anger, and Lilly was secretly relieved that he was finally giving her something she might be able to work with. His anger had never presented much of a challenge for her. It was that other stuff…

"You wanna know what happened to me?" he began, his voice quivering with rage, and if she wasn't mistaken, fear as well. "Three years ago, our file clerk turned out to be the kinda sicko who chased women in the woods for hours before he shot 'em dead, then collected their skulls like fuckin' trophies. And he dug around in your file, he found what happened to you when you were a kid, and he made you talk about it. You never tell anyone, it hurts like hell for you to talk about it, but he made you do it anyway. Made you relive every bit of it just for kicks, and then he was gonna kill you, too. He was gonna add your skull to his collection in the yard, gonna put deer eyes in there and make you be facin' that damn attic like all the rest. _That's _what happened," he finished, his breathing rapid as he swallowed hard and glared at the floor.

Lilly blinked in surprise. She hadn't expected _this _to be what he was so upset about. Her childhood attack, sure, that wouldn't have shocked her a bit, indeed, that was what she'd been planning to hear pouring from his lips…but not…this.

"Scotty, I--" she began, but he cut her off. It was a good thing, too, because she hadn't had a clue what she'd have said after that.

"He had you in that attic at gunpoint, Lil," he said brokenly. "Alone. I couldn't stop it, Boss couldn't stop it …"

"I could," was her quiet reply. "And I did. I shot him, Scotty. He's dead." Surprised that she was able to talk about this so calmly, she took his hand from where it was resting on his stomach, cradled it in hers, and gently stroked the back of it with her thumb, giving him a slight smile. "You think for a minute I was gonna let that bastard win?"

"No," Scotty replied, rolling onto his back once more. "It ain't that, it's just--" he trailed off, fighting back tears.

"What, Scotty?" Lilly urged, hating herself for pressing, for making him relive something that was obviously so painful, but knowing from her own experience that he needed to get this out, and fast, or it would eat him alive.

"I almost lost you that night," he whispered, lifting his eyes to hers. "It woulda messed me up real bad back then, losin' my friend, my partner…but now that I know…now that I know what happened, who you really are to me, just how much I woulda lost, I just…" he sighed shakily. "I lost the love of my life once, and if he'd won..." Scotty trailed off as another tear slipped out of the corner of his eye and he lifted his free hand to brush it away.

Lilly couldn't move, or speak; all she could do was just look at him. They stared at one another for a long moment, Scotty's unfinished sentence hanging in the warm air, Lilly realizing the enormity of what he'd said, both spoken and implied, both of them trying to wrap their minds around what had very nearly happened, what they'd almost lost.

"George didn't win," she reminded him again.

"I know," Scotty agreed thickly. "But after I heard those shots, Lil…I thought he did." He stopped, further words unnecessary, since Lilly could tell merely from the look in his eyes just how distraught he'd been during those dark moments.

"Didn't Boss radio down?" she asked. She knew she was grasping at straws, but the details of that night were still foggy in her mind, and she needed to say something, anything, to keep him talking, to reassure him that all was well.

"Yeah, eventually," Scotty confirmed, "but…it felt like _years_, Lil." He took a deep, shuddering breath, and then the rest of his words poured out in a torrent. "And while we're waitin', I'm sittin' there thinkin' I'd lost you, and I was tryin' to picture the rest of my life without you, and--"

"You don't have to, Scotty," Lilly told him firmly, squeezing his hand hard, hoping the physical sensation might get through to him in case her words couldn't. "I made it. I lived through it. I'm _here."_

He looked up at her, still blinking back tears, and suddenly Lilly knew. Knew why he wouldn't let her out of his sight, knew why he needed to have sex with her every ten minutes. He needed to convince himself of the truth of her words, needed to erase the pain of almost losing her, needed to know she was alive and well. It had nothing to do with her attack; Lilly was sure he probably hadn't even begun to process that.

"I know," Scotty replied, lifting her hand to his lips. "But you almost weren't, and I'm just…"

"You need me," Lilly finished for him.

"Yeah," Scotty agreed.

Lilly sighed. "I know you do," she said.

"I'm sorry," he replied softly, gazing into her eyes.

Lilly smiled broadly. "Don't apologize," she ordered him gently. "The sex is _fantastic_…I just wish you were happy, too."

"I will be," Scotty declared, and, despite all the other emotions swirling in his voice, there was a return of his trademark underlying confidence, which reassured her to no end. "You're still here."

"I'm still here," she echoed quietly.

That simple admission started to seep into his soul, and as he gazed at her, he realized that yes, she really was there. Suddenly, the clouds began to retreat, and he could breathe again. He could finally stop running from that awful night in the woods. Lilly was alive. She was well. She was still here.

"I can't guarantee you I won't… _need _you again," he said, his voice as playful as he could make it under the circumstances, his eyes suddenly brighter as he trailed his fingers up her arm. "You're pretty addictive, y'know."

"Listen," Lilly replied seductively as she straddled him. "Anytime you _need _me, you just let me know."

Scotty wished he needed her right then, wished he could take advantage of the fact that he was well on his way back to normal, wished he could take part in her happiness now that the memories were starting to fade, but he realized, to his enormous chagrin, that all that running had left him exhausted to the marrow of his bones.

"Lil," he said hesitantly. "I need you. I do. But…I'm just so damn tired," he finally admitted, and Lilly could see it in his eyes.

"I'll bet you are," she said, slipping off of him and settling into the crook of his shoulder. "It's been a hell of a week."

"It has," Scotty agreed as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "But we made it."

"We did," Lilly confirmed. "We're both still here."

Scotty sighed contentedly, and Lilly arched a brow at him. "You comfy?" she asked in disbelief, eyeing the hardwood floor.

"Bed's too far," he murmured sleepily.

"How about the couch?" she suggested, and Scotty looked at it tentatively. It looked great. If he could just get there.

Lilly rose gingerly and extended a hand to help him to his feet. "You take a nap," she instructed him, "and when you wake up, we're gonna go do something fun."

"Fun?" Scotty asked in a slightly wounded tone. "You're tellin' me what we've been doin' ain't fun?"

Lilly giggled. "Not _that_ kind of fun," she said. "Clothed fun. Outside the house fun."

Scotty sank wearily onto the couch and tossed her the biggest grin he could muster. "Sounds great," he said, then closed his eyes.

"Sleep well," she said softly. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?" Scotty asked, hating the fact that he sounded, to his ears, like a pathetic sick kid, but knowing there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

"Promise," Lilly agreed, then laid down on the couch next to him.

"Thanks, Lil," he murmured as he draped an arm over her waist and drifted off to sleep. "Love you."

"Love you, too," she yawned, snuggling closer and pulling a blanket over them both. Maybe some extra sleep wouldn't hurt her, either.


	28. Never Surrender

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but, based on the most recent episode, the people who do own them are doing an excellent job**.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Never Surrender**

When Lilly awoke, the sun was sinking low in the sky, and she was startled to realize that the two of them had slept the day away. Not that she should have been surprised, she figured. Very little sleep over the last few days combined with a stressful case and the resurfacing of painful memories for both of them, not to mention how Scotty had needed to cope with those memories…well, it was no wonder they were both so exhausted.

She smiled slightly as she realized that Scotty was still sound asleep, so she slid off the couch, careful not to disturb him, tucked the blanket closer around his shoulders, and pressed a kiss to his temple before climbing upstairs, grabbing some clothes from her closet, and heading for the shower. Once there, she relished the feeling of the hot water soothing her aching muscles, both those that still protested days of being tensely knotted and those that complained from recent overuse, then spent a few minutes replaying the conversation she and Scotty had had earlier.

Lilly had seen how devastated Scotty was the night of the shooting, but until that morning, she'd had no idea why. She'd figured his panic had had something to do with Elisa, maybe even with Chris. He hadn't been able to save Elisa from her giants, and he wasn't able to fix Christina's mess, either, though Lilly, at the time, had taken more than a little satisfaction in knowing that she'd been right all along, that Chris was up to no good, that she'd just play Scotty for the fool the way she had with so many men for so many years, just being what they needed at the time and taking advantage of their kindness until their usefulness dried up, and then running for the hills without so much as a goodbye. Lilly hated to see him hurt, and hated herself for being smug about it, but she also knew that until Chris left, Scotty would be drinking and carousing and running from the truth of Elisa's death.

So the night of the shooting, when she'd seen that haunted look in his eyes, she'd assumed it was because the standoff in the attic had reminded him, somehow, of Elisa, and he was upset about her. Lilly had no idea she'd really even played a part in it. They were partners, yes, but at that time, they were barely even speaking. Gone was the playful banter that had characterized their working relationship in months past, and in its place was a forced, frosty civility. They were together because they had to be. She didn't think he cared about her in any sort of personal way, not after their fight in the lobby when he'd revealed that his knowledge of what Christina had done to her nine years before, despite how badly that had hurt her, would have no bearing on his choices.

But for him to have been as distraught as he apparently was, and to be flipped out about it three years later now that he knew who she really was to him…it drove home all over again how much she'd meant to him even back then, and how deeply he loved her now. Just as he'd quietly wormed his way into her heart years ago when she didn't want friends, didn't need friends, and yet found herself saddled with a partner who insisted on caring about her in a way the others didn't, he'd quietly stolen his way into her life now. His clothes were in her closet, his shampoo was in her shower…he was frequently in her home, constantly on her mind, and permanently installed in the deepest part of her heart.

This realization both thrilled and startled her. She'd never let anyone in this far before. Never trusted someone with her darkest secret when she had nothing to gain by doing so. Even Patrick, who'd been a part of her life for years, had never known what had happened to her. Ray only knew because he'd stopped by the next day to check on her, and, at the age of ten, Lilly hadn't yet learned the value of building walls around her heart to keep the pain away.

As she worked the shampoo through her hair, Lilly realized that something had shifted, that she wasn't really afraid of Scotty leaving anymore; she actually almost chuckled at how ridiculous that notion seemed. No, now she was suddenly shy, almost embarrassed that she'd let him in this far, let him see this much of her heart. She knew there was no going back, nothing she could do about it now, and the truth of that scared her just a bit. She'd never been here before. Never been with someone who loved her so completely, so intensely, someone who wouldn't be satisfied until he had all of her…and she wasn't quite sure what to do with it.

_For God's sake, Rush, _she chided herself as she rinsed her hair. _Just stop. He loves you, you love him, so just enjoy it and quit trying to find reasons to flip out. Not like you don't have enough already._

Lilly realized that her rational mind, again, made perfect sense, so, as she shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, she resolved to just have fun and quit overthinking things. Overthinking never helped anyone, anyway.

* * *

Half an hour later, Lilly was dressed and ready for whatever outside-the-house fun activity they could come up with, and chuckled softly to see that Scotty was still sacked out on the couch. He lay on his stomach, but his face was turned so she could see the dark purple bruise that shadowed his jaw beneath the stubble, and she crept over and knelt by the couch to ponder it. Scotty had gotten into a fight…with _Vera_? She 'd been so obsessed with the case and all the assorted memories it brought back that she hadn't had time to ponder much of anything else, but now that the whole mess was over, she couldn't help but wonder. She wasn't surprised at all that Scotty had gotten into a fight with someone, but Vera was normally so hard to ruffle. The only time he ever got really upset was when anyone mentioned the Chimayo job; he was grumpy, sure, was always threatening suspects and griping about something, but definitely not as prone to fly off the handle as Scotty was. Then again, they'd all been running on a steady diet of coffee, stress, and zero sleep, so she supposed one wrong look, one ill-advised comment could have set the snowball rolling down the mountain…

"This is such a great way to wake up," Scotty announced groggily, and Lilly realized that she'd been so lost in thought that she'd missed his eyes fluttering open, and she wondered how long he'd been awake and watching her.

"Glad you think so," she replied as she kissed him softly and ran her fingers through his disheveled hair.

"Is it…dark outside?" he asked, frowning in disbelief as he raised his head from the pillow.

"Yeah," Lilly confirmed. "We slept the day away."

"Guess we needed it," Scotty replied with a wry grin, his stiff muscles protesting as sat up and glanced around the room, trying to get his bearings. The fire had burned down to smoldering embers, the room was dimly lit by the streetlights outside, and in the middle of it all was Lilly, who had apparently been up long enough to shower and dress in something that was definitely, definitely not going to help in her aforementioned efforts to get them out of the house. She had on her favorite jeans, the pair that made it damn near impossible for him to keep his eyes off her hips, except when paired with that gorgeous form-fitting cranberry-colored top, the one that exposed all the kissable spots on her neck and collarbones, the effect aided by her adorable ponytail, and, he was pleased to note, she'd topped it off with the delicate necklace he'd given her for her birthday. He remembered her telling him that her own mother rarely remembered the occasion, so he'd decided to do something special. That necklace sure wasn't what he wanted to be able to give her, but the way her eyes had misted over before she'd even torn off the wrapping paper had absolutely melted his heart and reassured him that the gesture alone, regardless of the nature of the gift, had touched her deeply.

"What?" Lilly asked suspiciously as she saw the dreamy grin crossing his face.

"How set are you on this goin' out and havin' fun business?" he asked as he grabbed her hand, his eyes roving greedily over her entire body.

"Very," Lilly replied determinedly, freeing her hand from his grasp. "You and I both need it."

Scotty remained unconvinced, and Lilly's determination faltered just a bit. Did he…need her again? Was he going back into that dark place?

"Scotty?" she asked quietly, her voice rife with concern as she searched his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry," he replied, grinning cockily. "This ain't me _needin' _you…this is just me _wantin' _you."

Lilly smiled with relief. "In that case," she responded, with a giggle and a teasing kiss on the tip of his nose, "it can wait."

Scotty sighed reluctantly. He wasn't as sure as she seemed to be, but he supposed he'd try.

"Get dressed," she ordered, tossing his boxers to his chest. "You know how to shoot pool?"

"Yeah," Scotty answered with a wry grin. "Do you?"

Lilly smiled innocently. "I haven't done it for quite a while, but…I know how."

"Yeah? When'd you learn that?" he asked, looking up at her in surprise as he slipped into his boxers. It seemed that, no matter how well he thought he knew her, there would always be something about Lilly Rush that would surprise him.

"High school," she replied with a shrug. "Only place Ray and I could get in that they didn't check IDs."

Scotty shook his head in mock disapproval. "And here you are…a cop."

Lilly's only response was to fire a pillow at him.

* * *

They stopped off at Scotty's apartment for a few minutes so he could shower and change, and, as they walked into his building and saw the pile of mail sticking haphazardly out of his box, he realized, with some surprise, that he hadn't been home in over a week. The apartment itself was dark and had the faint mustiness characteristic of a place that had been closed and unoccupied for a few days.

"Looks like you haven't been home in awhile," Lilly commented as she followed him in.

"Not much to come home to," he replied, tossing his keys on the bureau and heading for the shower. "Unless you're here," he added over his shoulder.

Once in his bedroom, he started unloading his pants pockets, tossing his wallet and cell phone on the dresser, then, when he reached the bottom, his fingers brushed something hard and velvety.

The ring.

In all the chaos of the last few days, he'd very nearly forgotten he even had it. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since he'd purchased it, although, really, it had only been about a week since Rosalia had pranced into the office bearing that simple cardboard box.

Scotty smiled ruefully as he sank down on the bed, opened the box, and contemplated that gorgeous ring. Lilly had opened up to him far more than she ever had, she'd let him into the darkest part of her soul, let him hold her while she cried…and then he'd spent the last day tortured about how close he'd come to losing her. For a brief moment, he considered popping the question then and there; no time like the present, after all.

But his more rational side gave him pause. After all they'd been through in the last few days, was it really wise to risk everything right then? He and Lil had been through hell and back, what with the case and the memories it had brought back for both of them, and he'd be damned if he brought about any more trauma and heartache for either one of them. He still had no idea what he'd say, no clue how Lilly would react, and, if he were honest with himself, despite the fact that he knew she loved him, knew she was in this… there was a part of him that was absolutely terrified that, even if he did come up with the perfect moment, the perfect speech, the perfect proposal… she'd still say no. And if she did…what then? Would they just date for the rest of their lives? Live together without being married? Break up completely?

Suddenly feeling sick to his stomach at the maelstrom of possibilities, Scotty snapped the box closed and shoved the ring into the dresser drawer as though putting it out of sight would calm his swirling thoughts. Marriage was still so uncertain, and what he had with Lilly, right now…that was a guarantee. She was there, he was there, they were neither one going anywhere, and, Scotty realized, as he began to calm down, that the simple knowledge that they were together was enough for him. Not forever, he wasn't stupid enough to think that, but in his emotionally vulnerable state, and with he and Lil having just relived some of the worst moments of their lives…it was enough for now.

* * *

After grabbing some Mexican food, Lilly and Scotty headed for Jones' to shoot pool. Scotty was surprised that, after all the time they'd been together, all the countless hours the squad had spent at Jones', they'd never done this before, but, he realized, there was definitely a first time for everything. He and his cousins would occasionally play a few rounds when they'd go out drinking together, but, until earlier that evening, he'd had no idea Lilly even knew how to play.

By halfway through the first game, however, he'd discovered that she was ahead of him by a considerable margin. Of course, it may have been that he was rusty, it may have been that he was still a bit groggy from his screwed-up sleep schedule…

…or, maybe something else, he realized, as he watched her lean down for another shot, her blue eyes lit with determination, that delicate little necklace dangling tantalizingly before him, the top of her shirt gaping just enough for him to see--

"Your shot, Valens," Lilly informed him coolly, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

Scotty swore inwardly when he realized he'd been so intent on staring at Lilly that he'd missed her turn entirely. In fact, he had no idea how much he'd missed, because he suddenly discovered that, although the last time he'd checked, she'd had several more balls to sink, after this turn, she was down to the eight-ball. He had…far more than that left.

"Thought you said you knew how to play this game," Lilly purred teasingly as she sauntered her way toward the table and took another sip of her drink. "You're makin' this entirely too easy."

"And you're makin' it entirely too hard," he replied, not catching the double entendre until Lilly shot him a wicked smirk, which distracted him enough that the fourteen-ball he was trying to sink bounced harmlessly off the side wall and rolled lazily to the center.

Lilly sputtered with laughter, ignoring Scotty's glare, then called her shot and leaned down to line it up. She was beside him this time, so he had no view down the front of her blouse, but those tight jeans demanded his attention to the extent that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the hard smack of a ball on the table. To his utter astonishment, he realized that Lilly had not only hit the cue ball perfectly, she'd actually bounced it over one of his own to hit the eight-ball, and he could only stand and stare as it rolled defiantly into the corner pocket.

Lilly chortled victoriously while Scotty continued to gawk in disbelief.

"Lucky shot," he finally muttered, shooting her another glare.

"That had nothin' to do with luck," she argued, her smile as broad and triumphant as he'd ever seen it. "I kicked your ass, Valens."

Scotty could only shrug and smile ruefully. She had kicked his ass, there was no doubt about it. "Think you hustled me, Rush," he finally concluded.

"Hustled you?" Lilly replied in disbelief. "I never said I couldn't play. I said I hadn't played in a long time."

"Yeah, well…" Scotty trailed off, searching frantically for a comeback and finding none.

Lilly began to giggle uncontrollably. "So I spent high school learning useful skills while you were makin' out in the closet, is that what happened?"

"Hey," Scotty shot back, arching a brow at her. "That was a useful skill. And you, of all people, can't even come close to arguin' that."

Lilly shrugged, wordlessly conceding the point. "Feel like lettin' me kick your ass again?" she asked teasingly. "Or do you wanna see if you suck as badly at bowling as you do pool?"

"Bowling?" he replied in surprise. _Just when you think you know someone…_

"No ID checks there, either," she confirmed.

Scotty considered her for a long moment, then narrowed his eyes, all laughter suddenly gone. If there was one thing he hated, it was losing. At anything. Even if it was to Lilly. And he knew that his odds of beating her at pool were way the hell better than his chances at bowling.

"Rack 'em up," he ordered, his gaze suddenly fiery with determination. "Let's do it again."

* * *

As Lilly prepared the table for their next game, Scotty headed off to the bar for drink refills. Upon his return, he placed Lilly's on the table behind them, then downed half his glass of scotch in a single gulp.

"Play better when you're drunk, Valens?" she asked him teasingly, but he just shot her a determined glance and said nothing. She could trash-talk him and do those damn trick shots all she wanted, he wasn't going down without a fight.

"I'm just gettin' warmed up," he declared as he grabbed the chalk and began to touch up the end of his cue stick.

Lilly glanced at him, amusement sparkling in her eyes, which quickly turned to a glimmer of desire as she watched the rippling muscles in his forearm. Silently, she congratulated herself for policing his fashion choices. When he'd come out of the bedroom earlier that evening wearing that gray hoodie he liked so much, she'd said nothing, just quirked a brow at him and chuckled silently as he'd rolled his eyes in response, returned to the bedroom, and come back wearing a short-sleeved black button-down shirt that he was fully aware she dearly loved.

"Better?" he'd asked, the irritation in his voice belied by the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Immensely," she'd replied, planting a lingering kiss on his lips, which lasted until he reached the point of total surrender. She'd ended the kiss then, smirking in satisfaction as he grumbled something in Spanish and grabbed his keys.

"Ready?" Scotty asked, his eyes twinkling with amusement as his voice cut through her reverie, and Lilly blushed as she realized she'd probably been staring at him for quite some time, but quickly recovered.

"Loser takes the first shot," she announced with a smile.

"You're a worse winner than Vera," Scotty griped as he leaned over to line up his shot.

"That's not possible," Lilly argued, but her words were lost on Scotty as the competitive fire took over and he willed himself to ignore her. Ignore her eyes, ignore the way that damn outfit hugged her every single curve, ignore the ponytail…he had to, if he had any chance at all of beating her.

Watching him, Lilly realized he'd slipped into his zone, that zone he got into during interviews, when his sole focus was accomplishing his goal, and to hell with distractions. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard the defiant smack of the cue ball and the resounding thumps as three solid balls rolled a confident path to three separate pockets. He couldn't quite keep the smug satisfaction out of his eyes as he glanced up at his girlfriend.

"We got us a game, now," he announced cockily.

"Unless I sink four on this shot," she fired back.

"Got a picture of that happenin'," Scotty retorted as he grabbed his drink.

"Did it last game, I can do it again," Lilly argued.

She didn't. She didn't even sink one. To her chagrin, Lilly was too distracted watching him take another sip of his scotch. She wasn't sure what it was about Scotty tonight; maybe it was the fact that, thanks to that hellish case, they hadn't had a lot of time together, maybe it was the fact that she'd let him so far into her heart that it scared her a little, maybe it was just the fact that they'd had a ridiculous amount of sex, but she just couldn't take her eyes off him, and, to her chagrin, he seemed to realize it.

"Aw, c'mon, Rush," he chided her gently as he watched the nine-ball bounce harmlessly off the side. "You don't have to stroke my ego by lettin' me win."

Lilly glared at him, but he just chuckled and lined up his next shot.

As the game progressed, it became clear that Scotty was far more skilled when he was able to block out distractions, and, Lilly realized, she was far less adept at pool when she couldn't concentrate. It seemed that the harder Scotty tried to concentrate on the game and the more success he had, the more difficult concentration was for her, and the more she found herself drawn to watching him instead of thinking about her next move. The intense look in his dark eyes when he lined up the shot, the flexing of his muscles as he expertly moved the cue stick into position, and the satisfied grin that crossed his face when he sank a shot…he was beating her. Soundly.

Once again, she tried to focus, but the whiff of his aftershave that wafted by as he went to take another sip of his drink rendered that impossible, and she missed badly on another shot. Scotty didn't say anything, just smirked, ran his hand through his hair, and sank the winning shot.

"That's more like it," he announced.

Lilly shifted her weight to one hip and scrutinized him. "Best of three?" she asked.

"You know it," he agreed as he moved to rack up the cue balls, then turned to her with a grin. "Loser takes the first shot," he announced with exaggerated chivalry.

Lilly glared at him, then was hit with sudden inspiration. She beat him when she distracted him…so…she made up her mind, with a smug grin, to do exactly that.

"One second," she told him, then reached up, slowly slid the elastic down her ponytail, then shook her hair over her shoulders, noticing, with satisfaction, that Scotty had paused in the middle of taking a sip of scotch and was watching her intently. She tossed him an innocent smile, then, taking just the slightest bit of extra time, she tilted her head back, letting her hair fall, then gathered it into a ponytail once more, all the while keenly aware that Scotty had been reduced from his arrogant smirking to helpless staring. Satisfied, she then lined up her shot, sinking a pair of striped balls on the first try.

"Nice," Scotty was forced to admit, though he wasn't sure whether he was complimenting Lilly's shot or the blessedly unexpected interlude of her leaning back to fix her hair, from which he was still reeling to the extent that he didn't realize she'd missed a shot until she spoke.

"Your turn, Valens," she announced, tossing him another winning smile.

Scotty cleared his throat, trying hard not to let Lilly see how she was affecting him, willed himself to focus, and promptly sank two solids on his next turn.

"Not bad," Lilly was forced to admit as she rubbed chalk on the end of her cue stick.

"Course it ain't bad," Scotty bragged. "I'm in the zone."

"Uh-huh," Lilly replied, then dropped the chalk to the floor, though whether that particular move was the reason he missed his next shot, she'd never know. As she bent to pick up the chalk, however, she took just a wee bit of extra time, hesitating until she heard Scotty blow out a breath, and then she straightened up and innocently returned to preparing the cue stick.

"A bit clumsy tonight, Rush?" Scotty asked casually, though Lilly could hear the arousal in his voice.

"Guess so," she replied, shooting him a dazzling smile before expertly sinking her next two shots.

As Scotty watched her lean over the table, he realized her efforts to distract him, intentional or not, were working like a charm, so he fortified his determination with another sip of scotch and redoubled his efforts to concentrate. With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair at the exact moment Lilly lined up her shot, and he wasn't sure whether it was his action or simply a mistake on her part that caused her to miss badly, but it did.

_Two can play at this game, _he decided, her icy glare confirming what he was beginning to suspect.

"Thanks for ruining my shot," she said sarcastically.

"My pleasure," Scotty replied smoothly, then leaned over the table and took aim, his eyes glittering with determination.

_Good God, the things that man can do with his eyes, _Lilly thought as she watched him, despite her logical mind shrieking at her not to do so, urging her to remain as casual as possible lest he know what she was trying to do to him. But when he looked directly at her, fixing her with that same determined expression, and muttered something in Spanish, she suddenly knew that, not only was he fully aware of her efforts to distract him, he was launching an initiative of his own.

_Crap, _she exclaimed inwardly, then decided to up the ante.

As Scotty lined up the seven-ball, she crept up behind him. So focused was he that he didn't know she'd disappeared from beside the table until he felt her hand trailing along the small of his back and her voice purring in his ear, "Don't screw up," at the exact moment he took his shot. His angle was off, and the stick slid harmlessly off the cue ball, moving it a grand total of two inches to the left, leaving the seven-ball sitting undisturbed in the center of the table.

"Dammit!" he exclaimed, as Lilly burst into gales of laughter. He glared at her, their competition now out in the open.

"So…this is how you wanna play, huh?" he asked, his eyes burning with competitive fire. "Then this is how we're gonna play."

_Uh-oh, _Lilly thought. _What the hell did I just do?_

Hoping to hide the fact that she was rattled, she decided to use the chalk as a stalling technique, and was so focused on plotting her next move that she didn't hear him sneak up behind her, and, as a result, jumped when she felt his fingertips trailing along the exposed skin of her upper back.

"What are you doin', Valens?" she asked, willing herself to keep her voice steady despite the fact that her heart had suddenly begun to race.

"Makin' sure you don't drop that chalk again," he said, his voice simultaneously innocent and dangerous. "Just tryin' to help you out."

She might have believed him had he not slowly, tenderly pushed her ponytail to the side and planted a lingering kiss between her shoulder blades that sent a shiver down her spine, then whispered something in Spanish against her skin before releasing her and stepping back.

Lilly tried her best to glare at him, but, to her chagrin, he just chuckled his amusement and finished off his scotch.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that, Valens," she declared, but her voice lacked its usual confidence, as did her shot, which missed. Badly.

"Your turn," she announced reluctantly, ignoring Scotty's victorious chortling. She still had one more trick up her sleeve. Quickly, she reached into her glass and pulled out an ice cube, then leaned against the table and slowly started to trail the ice down her throat, watching as Scotty first tried to ignore her, then resorted to staring helplessly, his gaze dark and smoldering with barely concealed lust as the ice cube reached the center of her chest.

"What?" she asked innocently, her eyes twinkling as she casually tossed the ice cube back into her glass. "Just thought it was getting kinda hot in here."

"Yeah," Scotty agreed huskily, as the desire that had been simmering ever since he woke up and saw what she was wearing reached a boiling point. "Very."

Without another word, he leaned his cue stick against the table and crossed over to her, gently trailing his fingers down her arms and stroking her hips. Lilly closed her eyes, fully expecting him to kiss her, but he didn't, and her eyes snapped open after a few seconds.

"You look like you're expectin' a kiss," Scotty teased as he fought tooth and nail to resist the almost overwhelming urge he had to do exactly that.

"You sure as hell look like you're about to kiss me," she retorted, her voice low and husky with desire.

"Oh, I'll kiss you," he replied, his eyes sparkling with both lust and amusement. "But, first… you gotta forfeit."

"Forfeit?" Lilly croaked in disbelief as she realized exactly what he was up to. "No dice, Valens. I was winning fair and square."

"Actually," Scotty pointed out gently, "we're tied. So…" he continued, his eyes darkening as he brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, then trailed his fingertips down the side of her neck, relishing the way she shivered at the contact, "…you either forfeit…or we go right back to the game…no kiss."

Lilly's eyes narrowed as she glared at her boyfriend. He was so damn irritating, so damn cocky…and she had never wanted a kiss as badly as she did in that moment.

"Looks to me…" she purred, trying to hide the fact that she was on the verge of losing all semblance of control, "…like you're the one who needs the kiss. I'm fine."

"Yeah, right," Scotty replied softly, noticing the way her breathing had sped up and her pulse was pounding at the base of her throat as he caressed the back of her neck and inched closer and closer to her lips. "You only need to say two little words, and I'll give you the best damn kiss you've ever had in your life."

"Or you forfeit…" she continued, running her fingers through his hair and absently tracing patterns on the back of his neck. "…and I give you the hottest kiss the world has ever seen."

_For God's sake, Valens! _his brain shrieked. _Give the hell in already!_

Scotty hesitated, and Lilly knew he was thinking about it. Slowly, she inched closer and he didn't resist. She could practically taste the anticipation shimmering between them as their lips were mere millimeters from touching, her hands were pulling him closer, his were tightening their grip on her hips, and every single nerve in her body was tingling with excitement. He was slowly inclining his head to hers, clearly enjoying the anticipation as much as he would the kiss…closer and closer…

"Oh, for God's sake, get a room, you two!" a familiar gravelly voice exclaimed, and, startled, they both turned to see Vera, a lascivious grin on his face, followed by Kat, who was rolling her eyes with affected nonchalance as she breezed by them, her cell phone to her ear.

As they tried to recover, Scotty and Lilly pulled apart with great reluctance and sheepish grins.

"Hey, Nicky," Scotty replied after clearing his throat.

"Are we…interrupting anything?" Vera asked, a knowing smile on his face.

"Just a friendly game of pool," Scotty answered with a grin and a casual shrug.

"Friendly," Vera scoffed. "So that's what the kids are callin' it these days."

"Well, what are you doin' here?" Lilly asked pointedly.

Vera shrugged. "Me and Miller though it'd be fun to get the group together tonight. We were just about to call you guys…but…you're already here," he pointed out, grinning once more as Lilly avoided his eyes, then grabbed her drink and took a healthy sip.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kat had staked out a place in the corner and was deeply embroiled in an argument with Jeffries.

"I don't care," her colleague was saying over the phone, much to Kat's chagrin. "It's Miles Davis Night at the Blue Note. I've been lookin' forward to this for two weeks. If it's not a case, I don't wanna hear about it."

"Will," Kat protested. "Boss is with his grandson, and if you don't show up, it'll look like we're on…a date," she said, spitting out the last word as though it were poisonous.

"You _are _on a date," Jeffries pointed out. "What do you need me for?"

"Scotty and Lil don't know that, and we didn't know they'd be here until we walked in and Nick opened his big fat mouth before I could get him to turn around and leave," Kat argued, a sense of desperation gradually becoming apparent in her voice.

"So you're callin' me to interrupt my night out to come play chaperone and make it look like you're not on a date?" Jeffries asked incredulously.

"Yes," Kat replied, her voice matter-of-fact despite her realization that, when he put it that way, her request really did sound rather ridiculous.

"Why the hell is keepin' it a secret such a big deal to you?" he asked.

"My personal life is nobody's goddamn business but mine," Kat snapped.

Jeffries paused thoughtfully. "What's it worth to you?" he finally asked.

"Worth to me?" Kat echoed.

"What're you gonna do for me if I come bail your ass out?" he asked. "What's that precious privacy of yours worth to you?"

"Anything you want," Kat replied quietly, casting another nervous glance toward where Vera was still chatting up Rush and Valens.

"Anything?" Jeffries asked, and, to her chagrin, she could hear that damn teasing smile over the phone.

"Anything legal," Kat agreed.

"Anything…anything at all…" Jeffries mused.

"Dammit, Will," Kat exploded in a fierce whisper. "This is as close to beggin' as I get. Are you gonna help me out or not?"

Jeffries chuckled, the sound warm and rich. "I'll be there in ten," he said, and Kat breathed a sigh of relief as she flipped her phone closed and headed back over to the pool table to join the others.

* * *

"Wanna grab a booth, order some beers?" Scotty was saying as he glanced around at his colleagues. They all nodded their agreement and headed toward the nearest booth, where Vera took a seat, then stopped Scotty and Lilly short when they tried to slide in next to one another.

"No dice, you two," Vera groused. "You sit together, I'll spray you with that fire extinguisher over there."

Scotty chuckled, but Vera half-rose from his seat with his eyes fixed on the fire extinguisher he could see behind the bar. "You think I'm kiddin'? I'm dead serious, Valens."

Scotty and Vera glared at one another for a moment, then Scotty sighed, rolled his eyes, conceded defeat, and attempted to slide in next to Vera, only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a glare from his partner.

"You think I'm lettin' you two sit next to each other, you got another think comin'," Kat sniped. "Those bruises haven't healed yet."

"Oh, for God's sake," Scotty muttered as he sat down next to her. "Guess that means I gotta sit next to your sorry ass," he griped, leading Kat to sock him in the arm.

"Ow," he complained with a grin as he rubbed the spot. "What're you tryin' to do? The bruises I already got ain't enough for you?"

Kat just smiled and shrugged innocently, pouring her mug full of beer.

"What was that fight about, anyway?" Lilly asked as she sat down next to Vera and glanced from him to Scotty and back again.

Vera shrugged and took a sip of his beer. "Nothin'," he replied.

"Stupid guy stuff," Scotty agreed, and the two clinked mugs, their fight clearly ancient history.

"Uh-huh," Lilly replied, grabbing the pitcher and filling her glass.

They were interrupted by the arrival of Jeffries, who slid in next to Kat and tossed his hat on the back of the booth.

"Hey, Will," Kat greeted him brightly as she poured him a mug of beer. "Glad you could make it." The brief glance she shot him told him in a heartbeat just how glad she was, but he wasn't letting her off the hook.

"You owe me," Jeffries whispered as he took a sip of beer. "And I don't forget easily."

Kat shot him a dirty look, followed by a wry smile. "Thanks," she said simply.

* * *

"You were right, Lil," Scotty admitted late that night as they climbed the stairs to his apartment. "We did need to get out and have some fun."

"You feelin' all right?" she asked, looking deep into his eyes.

Scotty considered her question for a long moment. Truthfully, he felt better than he had in days. The clouds of that morning had disappeared as though they'd never even been there, and, although he had the occasional moment where a flash of that row of skulls in the yard or a memory of those bone-chilling gunshots would surface, all he had to do was look at Lilly to realize that, although the worst had almost happened, for whatever reason, by some miracle, she was still alive. She was whole, she was well, and she was his.

"Yeah," he answered with a smile. "I'm feelin' all right."

"Good," Lilly replied, her grin suddenly wickedly mischievous. "'Cause I was afraid your ego might be bruised after that ass-kicking I gave you."

"Hey," Scotty retorted, "I kicked your ass, too."

"Until I started distracting you," Lilly shot back.

"I was distractin' you just as bad," he replied, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "If I remember right, you were just about to ask me for a kiss."

"You've had too much scotch," Lilly giggled in reply. "_You_ were about to ask _me_."

"Nah," Scotty disagreed with a grin. "That woulda meant I'd have to forfeit. And I'll never do that. Not even for you, Lil."

Lilly rolled her eyes and smiled. "Game's over, Valens," she informed him.

"How'd that come out, anyway?" he asked as he pulled her closer, the expression in his eyes making it suddenly clear that he didn't give a rat's ass.

"We were tied," Lilly realized softly, as the desire that had been repressed upon the arrival of her colleagues returned in full force.

"Well," he concluded, a grin beginning to cross his face, "since we left the bar without finishin' that game…"

"Guess we both forfeit," Lilly finished, shooting him a dazzling smile.

Scotty's heart began to pound wildly. "So…there's nothin' standin' in the way of me kissin' you, then, is there?" he said slyly.

"Not a thing," Lilly replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Thank God," he said against her lips before devouring them in a hungry kiss, the desire for her that he'd been feeling all evening finally unleashed as he steered them toward the bedroom, all teasing cast aside in favor of showing Lilly that this wasn't about running from memories or trying to forget his pain…he just loved her. Pure and simple. That was all he was trying to prove.


	29. You and Me

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. **

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: You and Me**

_There's something about you now  
I can't quite figure out  
Everything she does is beautiful  
Everything she does is right_

The next two weeks passed in a relatively blissful blur. Scotty was relieved to see that Lilly had returned to her normal self, even perhaps a bit lighter and happier than before. None of the cases they'd opened since then had brought back any memories for her. No nightmares, no flashbacks… they were just cases. She was no more or less attached to any of these victims than she was normally, and, though she was, as always, still intensely dedicated to her job, she was able to separate that job from her life just as well as she had before, maybe even more so, and Scotty was thrilled.

Similarly, Lilly was overjoyed that Scotty had returned to his cocky, funny, sweetly flirtatious self. Oh, sure, occasionally she'd catch him tossing a worried glance in her direction, but she just brushed it off as Scotty being Scotty. He wouldn't be himself if he didn't worry about her occasionally. She wasn't sure what he was worrying about, but, she realized with a smile as she looked up from her desk and caught him shooting her another moderately concerned glance, that he had nothing to worry about, and she was sure he'd figure that out eventually.

This time, however, she didn't feel his eyes leave her like she usually did, and she looked up once more to find him leaning back in his chair, tapping his pen against the desk, his eyes locked on her and a sly grin playing at the corners of his lips.

"What?" she asked with a slight frown.

"Nothin'," he replied lightly. "Just thinkin' about how much I love you."

Lilly beamed, at first trying to hide her joy, but soon realizing that it was pointless. Everyone at work had known for over a year, anyway.

"You sure know how to brighten a girl's day," she told him, glancing in his direction almost shyly. "And…I love you, too."

Scotty grinned broadly and was about to respond when he heard muffled swearing. Startled, he looked up to see Jeffries standing at the fax machine, glaring at it in a state of some petulance.

"Damn thing," he muttered, punching the buttons yet again.

Scotty sighed and smiled as he rose from his desk and grabbed his coffee mug. "Looks like I'm needed," he remarked, then crossed the room and expertly pressed the right combination of keys on his way to the kitchen to get a coffee refill. The machine whirred to life and went about its task, leaving Jeffries staring at Scotty in amazement.

"This machine just…_like_ you better or somethin'?" he asked with a smile.

"Guess it must," Scotty replied confidently as he strolled into the kitchen.

* * *

Meanwhile, Vera sat at his desk, discovering, to his chagrin, that he was completely incapable of concentrating on the form he had to fill out, or even on Tetris. No, his eyes, and his mind, were on Kat. Ever since that horrendous case that had nearly ripped the squad apart, he'd found himself feeling more strongly about her than ever before, and he hadn't been sure that was possible. He'd never felt this way about anyone before, not even Julie, and he'd been head over heels for Julie…at least…at one time, he had. And, sure, he was worried, a little bit, that things might go the same way now, but only a little bit. Julie had never been a fighter. Oh, she'd yell at him when he came home late, turn a small offense like staying out at the bar until 1:00 AM into a three-hour referendum on all the cheap things he'd ever done, but she never really challenged him. All Vera had to do was grovel a bit, make a bunch of promises they both knew he wouldn't keep, and then just wait it out until she wasn't mad anymore and all was forgiven.

But Kat…Vera knew he couldn't get away with any crap with her, and, to his surprise, he found that he liked it. Loved it, even. Here was a woman who would stand up for what she wanted, who'd tell him, in no uncertain terms, when he was being a jackass, who inspired him to be a better person, to try and become someone she could be proud of. Truth be told, it bothered him a little that she still wasn't comfortable with making their relationship public. Oh, sure, she had her reasons, and they were vast and varied and definitely, definitely valid, and he had his pretend relationship with Toni to cover for the things he just couldn't hide…but still, there was a part of Nick Vera that wanted to crow from the rooftops that he was in love with the most amazing woman in the universe, that wanted to prance around the office with the same shit-eating grin Valens always had, who wanted to be able to make his girlfriend smile and blush the way Lilly did every time Scotty looked at her a certain way. Those two were nauseating, no doubt about it, but, Vera realized, a large part of why they made him sick was jealousy of the fact that their relationship was out in the open. He'd be a fool to think otherwise.

But as he continued to study Kat, to watch the way her hair fell over her shoulders, obscuring most of her face as she filled out that interview report, her hand flying over the paperwork as she scribbled her notes, no more enamored with the menial task than any of the rest of them, his thoughts wandered to that night a few months back when something had shifted, and she wasn't just his girlfriend anymore…she was his family. He and Kat had worked late one night, not leaving the office until dangerously close to Veronica's bedtime, and Kat had been annoyed the entire trip back to her apartment, muttering under her breath about the damn job and too many damn hours away from V, on and on and on, but the moment she walked into her daughter's bedroom and saw that the girl was still awake, it was as though a switch had flipped, and all was well with her world. She and Veronica had engaged in several minutes of mother-daughter chitchat, most of which went in one ear and out the other for Vera, but then, Veronica climbed into bed, and Vera had watched, utterly enchanted, as Kat sang her daughter a lullaby. He didn't know the tune, couldn't recall ever having heard it before, but Kat's voice was so smooth and melodious that he didn't give a rat's ass what she was singing; the sound would be permanently lodged in his heart. He stood in the doorway, mesmerized both by Kat's singing and the look on her face, as well as the expression of utter adoration on Veronica's. It was clear that the girl thought the world of her mother, even clearer that Kat trusted him enough to let him see that tender, unguarded moment, and that was when Vera had realized that he was really and truly in this, that this wasn't just some undefined fling, this was the real deal.

Since then, he'd come to think of Veronica as his, too, tentatively at first, cautiously, like he wasn't sure how Kat would respond to someone else, someone from a different background and culture, no less, thinking those thoughts of the little girl she'd raised on her own for a decade, making any claim to her whatsoever, but, to his relief, she seemed thrilled. And so, since that night, by unspoken decision, they'd become a family. And that was enough. But after that case, after Stillman made them all go home and Kat had walked into her apartment for the first time in what seemed like years, even though Vera had wanted to sweep Veronica off her feet into one of his famous Nick Vera bear hugs, he'd hung back. Regardless of how he felt about Veronica, she was Kat's daughter, and Kat got first dibs. He'd watched, tears stinging his eyes, as Kat had swept Veronica into her arms, held her close, and whispered sweet nothings into her ear as Veronica clung tightly to her mother. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, and, once again, all he could do was stare.

That night, he'd come to a decision that being an unspoken family wasn't enough. And now, as he watched Kat fill out paperwork, he wondered what the hell he was waiting for.

* * *

A few minutes later, Stillman emerged from his office and glanced around the room.

"Got somethin' for us, Boss?" Lilly asked as she looked up, then realized, upon meeting the Lieutenant's gaze, that she hadn't needed to ask. She knew just from his expression that they had a new case.

"Just pulled a station wagon out of the river…body inside," Stillman confirmed grimly. "No ID yet, but the car's registered to a Dr. Bob Hillman."

"That name sounds familiar," Jeffries mused reflectively.

"It should," Stillman replied with a wry smile. "Dr. Hillman and his wife disappeared in 1983. Her body was found a week after they went missing, but his never was."

"We think this is it?" Vera asked, glancing up from the hated paperwork.

"Frannie's runnin' tests," Stillman answered, "but it sure looks that way."

"Guess that means we gotta go dig up some boxes," Scotty remarked, rising from his desk. The others nodded their agreement and traipsed downstairs to the evidence warehouse.

A few moments later, the detectives were in the warehouse surrounded by boxes, both Bob Hillman's Missing Persons file and Felicia Hillman's evidence box.

"Felicia Hillman, 42, defense attorney, found shot at close range on April 24, 1983," Stillman read from her file.

"Sounds like quite the woman," Kat remarked, flipping through some of the notes. "Five kids, successful lawyer, husband was a doctor…"

"Pretty charmed life," Vera commented.

"Not quite," Jeffries pointed out. "A black couple climbin' the ladder like that? Bound to piss a lotta people off. Gotta be tons of people with motive."

"Did they ever have any suspects?" Lilly asked, digging through the box.

"Nope," Kat answered. "Job went cold right away."

"Only witness was a Maria de la Rosa," Scotty observed, flipping through the original detective's notes. "Housekeeper…originally from Puerto Rico."

"Surely they got something from her," Lilly said as she crossed the aisle to peer over Scotty's shoulder.

"Nope," Scotty replied tersely, his mood rapidly darkening. "Just says here, '_Witness speaks no English. Waste of time_.' Underlined twice," he added grimly, glaring at the room in general.

"Well, back in the '80s, nobody on the force spoke any Spanish," Jeffries explained, attempting to mollify the younger detective.

"Damn shame," Scotty griped as he tossed the notes back into the box. "Someone had, this case coulda been closed twenty years ago."

"Same thing woulda happened if this Maria the housekeeper had ever bothered to learn English," Vera remarked, leading Scotty to shoot him a glare.

"It takes years to learn a new language, Nick," he grumbled. "And English ain't the easiest to just pick up outta the blue."

"Your parents did it just fine," Vera argued, "and so did my grandparents."

"It's easier to learn a new language when you're young," Scotty retorted. "We don't know how old Maria was, or how long she'd been here. She coulda just got off the boat in '83."

Vera opened his mouth to reply, but Stillman silenced him with a look.

"Let's find out," he said, peering at his detectives pointedly over the rim of his glasses. "And not waste time arguing about it."

"Besides," Jeffries added calmly. "It's been twenty-five years. Even if she didn't speak a word of English back then, maybe she does now."

"And if she doesn't," Scotty concluded, tossing a brief, flirtatious glance at Lilly, "I bet I speak a language she'll understand."

Lilly smiled and ducked her head to hide her blush as she continued to dig through the box.

* * *

"Got the ID back from Frannie," Stillman announced a few hours later on his way through the squad room into his office. "The car and the body both belong to Bob Hillman."

"No surprise there," Lilly agreed, glancing through the file Stillman had just handed her.

"Will found a couple of their kids still living in the area," Stillman continued, disappearing into his office. "Why don't the two of you go have a talk with 'em, see if they remember anything?"

"That'd be great," Lilly replied as the boss nodded and closed the door, "…as soon as I figure out how to send this damn fax," she concluded, returning her attention to the fax machine. Sighing in frustration, she tried several times, punching the buttons in various combinations, and soon had the machine sputtering and emitting occasional disapproving beeps, the fax she was trying to send wedged half-in, half-out of the paper tray. Lilly finally gave up and resorted to glaring at the machine, but her icy stare and vague, muttered threats accomplished nothing. Not that she figured they would.

_Great_, she told herself. _The wheels of justice stop spinning because of a stupid fax machine._

"You look like you might need a little help," a familiar voice said from behind her, and she turned her head to find Scotty grinning proudly at her. One look at him told Lilly that her boyfriend was clearly relishing the opportunity to be needed, even with something as simple as a damn fax machine.

"Good work, Detective," she congratulated him sarcastically.

"Mind if I give it a whirl?" he asked playfully, that cheesy grin still engulfing his entire face.

Lilly stepped aside so Scotty could deal with the petulant machine. "Be my guest," she replied.

In a matter of seconds, Scotty had pressed the correct combination of keys, and the machine cheerfully whirred to life.

"How the hell do you _do _that?" Lilly demanded, looking at her boyfriend with a half-smile, half-frown.

"Magic fingers," Scotty replied, wiggling them proudly.

"Uh-huh," Lilly agreed skeptically. "You read the instructions, didn't you?"

"_Instructions_?" Scotty echoed in disbelief, folding his arms across his chest. "Please. Real men don't need instructions."

"Then how the hell did you figure that out?" Lilly exploded.

"I told you," Scotty repeated. "Magic fingers." He fixed her with a suggestive look and lowered his voice seductively. "They sure work on you."

A sudden flush of heat raced through Lilly's veins as she remembered the night before, when he had indeed worked magic on her with those very fingers. After he was finished, she'd purred with delight, not at all unlike the fax machine, come to think of it.

Lilly placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes. "Should I be jealous, Valens?" she asked in mock indignation.

"Nah," Scotty replied, his eyes twinkling with both mischief and desire. "That fax machine can't do a tenth of what you can."

"Well, good," Lilly said decisively. "I think."

She turned back to her desk to grab her coat and head out with Jeffries, but Scotty stopped her to whisper in her ear.

"How 'bout I show you those magic fingers again tonight?" he suggested.

Lilly shivered slightly and beamed up at him. "Sounds great," she replied.

* * *

Several hours later, the group elected to order in Chinese takeout. Scotty, who'd been manning the phone all afternoon trying to track down Maria de la Rosa, smiled his thanks when Kat dropped a couple of takeout containers on his desk, fished a few bills out of his pocket to reimburse her for dinner, and proceeded to wolf down his Kung Pao shrimp while still on the phone. Meanwhile, Lilly huddled in a corner with Jeffries eating dinner, looking at scene photos, and plotting their next move.

"Man Candy's been on the phone all afternoon. What the hell's he doin'?" Kat asked, as Scotty crossed yet another name off his list and, after a couple exasperated bites of take-out, began to dial another number.

"Callin' every single De la Rosa in Philly, looks like," Vera replied around a mouthful of his beef and noodles.

"Sounds like a huge waste of time," she remarked, digging into her take-out container.

"You got a better idea?" Vera asked.

They were interrupted by Scotty replacing the receiver in its cradle and chuckling, a short, self-deprecating laugh.

"Any luck?" Kat asked him sympathetically.

"Not a bit," Scotty replied, grabbing another bite of shrimp. "But the last woman I talked to said she _might _be able to help me…"

"Well, that's good," Vera responded.

"Oh, you didn't hear the catch yet," Scotty answered, amusement momentarily lifting the fatigue from his expression.

"This oughta be a scream," Kat answered as she took another bite of dinner.

"Says she'll see what she can remember…if I go out on a date with her daughter," Scotty announced, his eyes twinkling with mischief as Kat and Vera both burst out laughing.

"Is she hot?" Vera asked mischievously.

"Does it_ sound_ like she's hot?" Scotty retorted.

"Kinda what I asked you," Vera replied.

"It's cute how the two of you are actin' like you're still single," Kat griped, digging into her dinner.

Scotty rolled his eyes, then turned his attention back to Vera. "Look, I ain't actually goin'. Even if I were on the market, what kinda woman has to get her moms to set her up on a blind date with some cop who calls outta the blue about a twenty-five year-old murder?"

"Good point," Vera chortled.

Kat shrugged. "Doesn't mean she's not hot."

Scotty looked at her incredulously. "Her moms is fixin' her up. Over the phone. With someone she doesn't even know."

"My mom set me up with someone once," Kat replied. "Blind date. Guy from church."

Vera barely suppressed a laugh, while Scotty stared at his partner in disbelief. "You? A blind date? Did you _go_?"

Kat suddenly cleared her throat uncomfortably and fished another bite out of her take-out container. "It…didn't go well," she replied, then popped the bite into her mouth and shot both men a look that told them, in no uncertain terms, that sharing time was over.

"Hell, maybe I should go," Scotty remarked teasingly as he rose from his desk with his empty dinner boxes. "Miller's still a pretty good catch…maybe this one'll be good enough to get us a lead in this wild goose chase. That okay with you, Lil?" he called with a glance in her direction as he headed for the kitchen.

Lilly looked up from her work and laughed. "Better than anything we've come up with so far."

Scotty chuckled in response. "Blind date it is!" he exclaimed in mock triumph.

"You're reachin', man," Vera called after him as he grabbed Kat's Kung Pao Chicken container.

"And _you're _reachin' for my Kung Pao Chicken," she informed him snappishly, meeting his eyes with a glare.

"What? It's family style," Vera protested.

"Do I look like your family?" she asked pointedly.

Vera stared at her for a long moment, then fixed her with a look that conveyed to her, in no uncertain terms, exactly what his answer to that question would be. Stunned into silence, she could only watch as Vera dug his chopsticks into the container and then took a large, triumphant bite.

* * *

The next morning, Kat was sitting at her desk, reviewing a file and sipping her coffee, when she sensed Vera behind her. She turned with a smile and realized, that…oh, for the love of God…he had a donut in each hand and was triumphantly munching on one of them.

"What the hell are you doin' with both of those?" she demanded. "Stealin' the last one is one thing, but stealin' the last _two?_ Do you _want _to get your ass kicked this early in the morning?"

Vera chuckled. "Will you relax?" he asked her, placing one of the napkin-wrapped donuts on her desk. "I went in there for some coffee and saw that there were only two left…and Valens ain't here yet…so I figured I'd get you one and get me one so they're gone before he gets here."

Kat grinned proudly and congratulated him as she picked up the donut. "Stealin' donuts from Man Candy instead of me…you're comin' along nicely."

Vera sat down at his desk and took a bite of donut, his heart pounding. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kat lift the donut to her lips, and thought that perhaps, it might be a good idea to warn her before she ate it.

"Just so you know," he began, in what he hoped was a casual tone. "There's a catch."

"A catch?" Kat asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes as she studied him. "What kinda catch?"

"You take a bite of that donut…you're sayin' yes," he replied lightly.

Kat's brow creased in confusion. "Yes?" she repeated blankly. "Yes to what?"

Vera grinned at her. "You better take a closer look at that donut, Detective," he encouraged.

Kat did, lowering it to the desk and peeling back the napkin…

…and in the center of the donut, wedged into the dough itself…was a sparkling diamond ring.

She stared at it, utterly speechless for a moment, and Vera couldn't hide his self-satisfied smirk. He'd done it. He'd achieved the impossible.

He'd stunned Kat Miller into silence.

She continued staring at the ring, then looked at him incredulously. "You serious, Fatass?" she asked, though her voice lacked its usual cool cynicism.

"So what if I am?" he asked with a shrug.

"I know we've been talkin' about it…but I didn't know you were _serious_…" she trailed off, eyes wide.

"I never joke about donuts," Vera replied confidently.

Kat's surprised look gradually melted into one of sheer joy, and if Vera weren't mistaken, he caught the sheen of tears in her dark eyes. _For the win._

She started to raise the donut to her lips once more, then stopped, a flicker of hesitation crossing her features. Vera read it in a heartbeat and was ready with a reply.

"I already asked V if she was okay with me bein' a permanent fixture," he declared softly. "Figured I needed her okay before I even talked to you."

Kat could have sworn she felt her heart melting at those words. She tried to fight it, tried to keep her emotions from writing themselves all over her face, but she couldn't. Just…couldn't. _Dammit._

"What'd she say?" Kat asked, as casually as she possibly could.

"Asked me what took so long to figure it out," Vera grinned. It was true. The girl had fixed Vera with a look he'd come to know well, even tilted her head to the side and put a hand on her hip in an unconscious mimicry of her mother as she'd asked him the most direct question he'd ever been asked by a ten-year-old.

Kat had fought some pretty powerful forces in her life, and had nearly always come out the victor, but the smile that crossed her face and the love that flooded her heart were more powerful than all of them put together. She couldn't even say anything, just looked at Vera, wishing fervently she could hide her smile, but knowing it was futile.

"Well?" Vera asked hopefully, a grin starting to tug at the corners of his mouth.

Kat just smiled slyly at him, then slowly, deliberately, took a large bite of her donut.

Vera broke into an exuberant grin, and the two of them just sat there, beaming at each other, as Kat fished the ring out of the pastry and brushed the crumbs off it, her eyes never leaving his.

"What the hell?" a familiar voice called out from the kitchen, and they were both stunned into silence. Vera snapped back to attention and started clicking away at Tetris, and Kat hastily shoved the ring into her pocket and took another bite of donut, her mind whirling. Surely Scotty hadn't seen anything…had he…?

"What, now I gotta fight botha you for the donuts?" he demanded, coming out into the office and glancing from one to the other. "How the hell's that fair?"

"You snooze, you lose, Man Candy," Kat replied with a grin.

* * *

A couple hours later, Lilly and Jeffries strolled back into the office, having interviewed two of the now-grown Hillman children.

"Any luck?" Scotty asked, as Lilly gave his shoulder a loving caress on her way back to her desk.

"None with the housekeeper," Jeffries replied. "But they did tell us that the whole family's from Virginia. They all grew up there, but moved to Philly in '81 to escape racism."

"And they get gunned down here," Kat commented with a sad shake of her head. "Figures."

"We thinkin' there's a Virginia connect?" Scotty asked.

"Well, all the Philly leads dried up twenty-five years ago," Lilly replied. "Except for the housekeeper. Any luck finding her yet?"

Scotty was about to answer when he was interrupted by a loud epithet from across the room, and he didn't even have to look up to know exactly what was going on. Sure enough, a glance in the direction of the fax machine revealed Vera, his eyes blazing with an almost murderous fury, trying to yank a piece of paper from the tray.

"Let's do that," he was griping at the machine. "Yeah, let's do exactly that."

"Trouble, Nicky?" Scotty asked with a grin.

"It's tellin' me there's a paper jam," Vera complained. "But there's no paper jam." The machine beeped petulantly, as if to disagree with this assessment, and Vera continued to argue with it. "No, don't give me that shit. There's no paper jam. You know it, and I know it."

"Is the paper comin' outta the machine?" Scotty asked knowingly, his voice calm.

"No," Vera grumbled.

"Then there's a paper jam," Scotty explained patiently. "Code for that is 841 and then the pound key."

"8…4…1…pound," Vera recited as he pressed the buttons, but the machine merely retracted the paper completely out of view and emitted another disapproving beep.

"Oh, for God's sake," Vera exploded.

Scotty sighed and rose from his desk to come to his colleague's aid. "You gotta be nice to it, Nick," he said encouragingly, then entered the code himself. Mollified, the fax machine purred contentedly and spit out the now-crumpled, barely-legible paper.

Vera stared at Scotty in utter amazement. "Well, now we know who the other woman is."

"Other woman?" Scotty repeated blankly. "What other woman?"

"You're cheatin' on Lil with the fax machine," Vera burst out petulantly. "That's gotta be it. It likes you. It hates the rest of us. You've gotten it to succumb to your Latin charm."

Kat nearly choked on her coffee while Scotty stared in amusement at Vera. "Latin charm?" he repeated, arching a brow.

"Hey, if it worked on the Ice Queen, no one's immune," Vera grumbled.

Kat raised her hand. "I'm immune. Right here," she confirmed.

"See?" Scotty replied, indicating his partner with a hand.

"Well, that's one woman around here who ain't bitin'," Vera conceded grouchily. "Thank God for that."

"What makes you so sure this fax machine's a woman?" Lilly asked teasingly as she removed the crumpled, half-torn fax from Vera's hand and started to try and decipher it.

"Yeah, Nick," Kat piped up from her desk. "How _do_ you know the fax machine's a woman?"

Vera looked nervously from Lilly to Kat, then cast a helpless glance at Scotty.

"I'm curious myself, man," Scotty replied, folding his arms across his chest and glancing at Lilly with amusement.

Vera sighed. "Any way I answer that question and not become a soprano?" he asked cautiously.

"Nope," Lilly replied with a grin, and Kat lifted her coffee mug in a silent toast to feminine solidarity.

Vera turned once more to Scotty. "Help me," Vera implored softly, but Scotty just grinned.

Vera was saved from any further answer by Stillman, who emerged from his office. "That fax come in yet?"

"Sort of," Lilly answered, casting a teasing grin at Vera. "And it looks like Scotty doesn't have to go out on that blind date after all."

Stillman chuckled. "Why's that?" he asked.

"DMV records show a seventy-six year-old Maria de la Rosa who moved there from Philly in 1983 just renewed her Virginia driver's license last year," Lilly answered, handing Stillman the fax. "And it would appear she still doesn't speak a word of English."

Stillman perused the document, while Jeffries grinned broadly. "Looks like Scotty's takin' a road trip," he chortled.

"No way," Vera protested. "Valens can't go. He's the only one who knows how to work the damn fax machine!"

"He's also the only one who speaks Spanish," Stillman added, "unless one of the rest of you has a skill you haven't been sharingwith us."

"Guess I'm just in demand today," Scotty remarked cockily, then turned his attention to Lilly. "Besides…I could think of worse ways to spend a few days," he added, shooting her a flirtatious glance, which she returned with a slight smile of her own, though he felt a surge of pride watching the slight flush that crept into her cheeks as she no doubt remembered another road trip…

Stillman, apparently, was remembering the same thing, as he cleared his throat somewhat uncomfortably. "Rush is stayin' here," he announced softly.

"Boss," Scotty started to protest, but Stillman silenced him with a look.

"Surely you don't think IAD's gonna sign off on the two of you goin' on a road trip together," Stillman reminded him pointedly. "Knowin' what they know."

"It'd save 'em a few bucks on a hotel room," Scotty replied, his voice hopeful, but Stillman just grinned at him wryly.

"I doubt they're gonna see it that way, Scotty," he remarked.

"Told you we should've kept it a secret," Lilly said softly.

"Secret? Please," Kat remarked with a roll of her eyes. "You two didn't keep it a secret even when it _was _a secret."

"Yeah?" Scotty challenged. "Then how come it took you so damn long to figure it out?"

"Least I figured it out before Fatass, here," Kat replied, glancing teasingly at Vera.

"Hey," Vera protested, shooting her a glare. "I got more important things to worry about than who's bangin' who."

"You think we're gonna believe that?" Jeffries asked incredulously.

"Enough," Stillman silenced them, though he couldn't hide his smile. After that horrible case a few weeks back, it was good to hear them snarking one another again. "Rush stays. Will…how'd you like to accompany Scotty to Virginia?" he asked.

"Virginia," Jeffries mused thoughtfully. "Ain't that south of the Mason-Dixon?"

"Last time I checked," Stillman replied.

Sudden inspiration flickering in his dark eyes, Jeffries stole a glance at Kat, and relished the look of surprise that crossed her face, followed by the one of sheer horror.

"Oh, _hell_ no," she declared. "That ain't a favor. That's above and beyond the call of--"

"You said…anything legal," Jeffries reminded her calmly, taking a sip of coffee. "And last time I checked, goin' to Virginia to interview a witness….well…that's definitely legal."

"Goin' to freakin' Virginia with Man Candy's sorry ass is _so _not what I had in mind," she hissed, her eyes shooting sparks. "I was thinkin' more like buyin' you a drink or somethin'."

Jeffries chuckled and shook his head. "Miles Davis Night at the Blue Note is worth a lot more to me than a drink, Miller. And you didn't qualify it. You were desperate. You said you'd do _anything._"

Kat was preparing to fire back with another verbal volley when she suddenly became aware of the curious eyes of her co-workers on her.

"What the hell are you even talkin' about?" Scotty asked, voicing the question the others asked only with their eyes.

"If it were any business of yours, you'd know," she snapped, then returned her attention to Jeffries, who, she noticed with no small degree of chagrin, was barely repressing his laughter.

"Yes, Miller, what are you talkin' about?" he asked teasingly.

She glared at him, the fiercest, most menacing glare she could muster, but Jeffries never stopped smiling. His eyes, though…his eyes let her know that he was prepared to follow through on his unspoken threat unless she held up her end of the bargain.

She finally sighed in irritation, still glaring at him through narrowed eyes. "Fine," she snapped, rising from her desk.

"C'mon, Valens," she said as she left the office. "Let's get packed and get the hell outta here before _someone_ becomes a fresh job," she concluded, shooting another pointed glare at Jeffries, who just chuckled and calmly sipped his coffee.

Vera watched her storm out of the office, a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Good luck with that," he chortled, glancing up at Scotty.

"Thanks," Scotty replied ruefully as he rose from his desk and started to pack up the files. "I'll need it."

"You kids have fun, now," Jeffries smirked.

* * *

_A/N: If you liked the Kat/Scotty scene in "Roller Girl," go check out Collider's "Pseudothyrum."_


	30. When You're Gone

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. But they're still a handful.**

**Chapter Thirty: When You're Gone**

_When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you_

_When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing, too_

_When you're gone, the words I need to always get me through the day_

_And make it okay_

_I miss you_

_

* * *

_With a reluctant sigh, Scotty grabbed his gun from his locker and prepared to depart for Virginia. He hadn't quite realized all the ramifications of making his relationship with Lilly public; not that he would have done anything about it differently, he decided, but…that "no road trips with Rush" policy would be the death of him. He hoped that next time, anyway, Boss would have the heart to send someone else.

No, he reminded himself, it had nothing to do with heart, and everything to do with the fact that the rest of the squad was too damn lazy to bother to learn Spanish. _Ain't like it's that hard, _he griped inwardly. _And in this day and age, not knowin' any Spanish at all's just askin' for---_

"Hey," Lilly interrupted his stream of irritated thoughts, and he glanced up to see her leaning against the lockers with a sad smile.

"Hey," he replied, shutting the locker and slipping his gun into its holster. "Look, I---"

"Don't apologize," she ordered him softly, her eyes twinkling despite everything. "Boss needs you to go." _Get a grip, Rush. It's for work. Not like it's his choice. _But even though she knew all these things, all the rationalization in the world couldn't stop it from hurting.

"It ain't that," Scotty continued. "It's just…if we were still hidin' this, we'd be able to go together," he finished almost plaintively. "That'd be a helluva lot more fun that bein' apart."

Lilly sighed and smiled knowingly. "Do you honestly think we'd still be able to hide this?" she asked him, arching a brow.

Scotty replied with a rueful grin as he considered how out in the open their love really was. Even when they weren't being overtly affectionate with one another, even when they were displaying the utmost in professionalism, the love was still there, still floating in the air around them and permeating everything they did. She was right. It would be impossible to hide it.

"Prob'ly not," he answered, slipping a hand beneath the curtain of her hair and gently stroking the back of her neck. Lilly glanced around to make sure they were alone, then slid her arms around his waist.

"I'm gonna miss you," he whispered huskily, and that very declaration brought the sting of tears to Lilly's eyes and a flood of love to her heart. No one had ever said those words to her before.

"I…didn't know I was missable," she answered softly, her shining blue eyes reflecting her amazement.

Scotty arched a brow. "Missable?" he asked with a grin. "That a word?"

"It is now," Lilly retorted, her smile widening.

"Well," he replied, leaning in to plant a few teasing kisses along the ridge of her cheekbone. "Then you are very…very…missable."

"Really?" she purred, trying hard not to succumb to his advances, even though she had no idea how long it would be before they got another chance.

"Oh, yes," he whispered, toying with her earring.

_For God's sake, Rush, you're at work. You cannot do this here,_ she reminded herself firmly as she stepped away from Scotty.

"Don't you have to go home and pack?" she asked him, trying to keep the sadness and disappointment out of her voice.

Yes. He did. Dammit. But he wasn't giving up that easily, not when she was looking at him like that. Who the hell needed clean clothes and toothpaste, anyway? That's what Wal-Mart was for.

"Nah," he replied with a proud smirk. "I got more important things to do." The look in his eyes made her shiver and gave her absolutely no doubt what those more important things were, and oh, how she wanted to let him do those more important things, right here, right now…

"Scotty," she chided him gently, her voice heavy with reluctance. "I want this as badly as you do, but…we're at work. And you have to leave in less than an hour."

"No kiddin'," he commented, a teasing light beginning to shine along with the lust in his eyes as he quickly formulated a plan that he was willing to bet anything would get Lilly over that final hurdle. "Less than an hour," he continued, as he took her in his arms again.

"Less than an hour," she confirmed, her heart racing. _No, Rush. You can't do this here. Not at work._

"Well, then," he grinned confidently. "Guess I better start practicin' my Spanish."

_Oh, God, not the Spanish…_

Scotty leaned in closer, pulling her to him, his breath hot against her ear as he began to murmur in that rapid, musical Spanish that never, ever failed in its mission.

"_Voy a soñar contigo," _he declared, and Lilly, to her horror, felt all her inhibitions slipping away.

"What's that mean?" she asked him, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

"Means I'm gonna dream about you," he told her, relishing the way she was practically melting in his arms.

"_Cada día te quiero más que ayer y menos que mañana," _he continued, pressing kisses to her neck. Without waiting for her to ask, he translated. "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow."

"Oh, God, Scotty," she moaned, the love and desire nearly overwhelming. The entire squad could walk in on them right at that moment, and she was pretty sure she wouldn't care.

Scotty's eyes lit with desire as he moved in for the kill. "_Quiero hacerte el amor," _he announced huskily.

Lilly knew what that meant, and her eyes flew open in surprise. "Scotty," she protested, though every fiber of her being was shrieking at her to reconsider, "we're at work."

He pulled her close again to whisper in her ear. "There is a room," he began, "up on the top floor…that never, ever gets used for anything."

"Really?" Lilly asked, her eyes wide with astonishment and dark with desire. How the hell had he---

"Really," he replied, a lusty grin crossing his face. "Found it a while back durin' the Stevens job. Those doctors and their on-call room kinda…inspired me."

Lilly stared at him, and then the last bit of her resistance crumbled as the desire proved too much for her to handle.

"Packing's overrated," she announced with a lusty smile.

"No kiddin'," he agreed.

Their lips met then, and Scotty's heart began to race wildly as he realized what she'd just agreed to do. He broke the kiss and opened his eyes to search Lilly's, but found that she was grabbing his hand and briskly leading him toward the elevator. With an eager grin, he followed.

*****

A little over an hour later, Scotty and Kat approached the car, and Scotty wasn't surprised in the slightest when his partner made a beeline for the driver's seat. He'd known she would, known from the moment they walked out those doors, and he had no intention whatsoever of letting her behind the wheel again. Not with the memory of her almost causing a sixteen-car pile-up to make a point when he'd brought his flask to work after breaking up with Lilly still lurking at the back of his mind.

What he wasn't prepared for, however, was the sheer vehemence with which Kat parked herself between him and the driver's door, letting him know that the only way she would be dissuaded was with the use of physical force.

"Hey," Scotty protested lightly. "I always drive."

"Not this time, you don't," she snapped.

"It's four and a half hours to Virginia," Scotty argued. "And you don't know where the hell we're even goin'."

"I will if you read the damn map," she shot back.

"Why can't you read the damn map?" he retorted.

"Just get your ass in the car," she ordered furiously.

Scotty frowned in confusion. Why the hell was she so prickly? Even pricklier than usual? He had no idea, but he didn't really have time to care as his competitive urge kicked into high gear. Suddenly, it was no longer about the car. It wasn't about driving. It was about beating her. He didn't understand it, nor could he even begin to explain it, but he also knew that he was powerless against it.

He searched his brain and quickly, surprisingly quickly, hit upon a strategy that was just so crazy it might work. Instantly, he dropped the belligerent act and decided to appeal to her softer side. He was pretty sure she still had one.

"I don't blame you, y'know," he said quietly. "This is gonna be hard for both of us."

"Hard?" Kat replied incredulously. "It's a job, dumbass. Havin' a baby in the back of a taxi is hard. This is just work."

"I don't mean the trip," he continued, his voice even and oozing with sympathy. "I mean…bein' away from the ones you love."

"Oh, boo-hoo," his partner spat sarcastically, hands on her hips. "So you and Rush have to go a few days without seein' each other naked. I think you're gonna live."

Scotty wasn't so sure about that, but it was beside the point. "Ain't me I'm concerned about," he replied. "Sure, I'm gonna be missin' Lil, but you…you gotta be away from your _daughter_. Can't imagine how hard that must be."

Scotty's words reached the part of Kat's heart that she was loath to let anyone else see, and he tried desperately to hide the satisfaction in his eyes as he witnessed her visibly softening. _You're on fire today, Valens._

"'Specially after that last case," he went on, ignoring the warning glare she shot him. That was just evidence that her defenses were putting up a last stand as they began to crumble. "Not gettin' to see Veronica hardly at all, and now you gotta go away again, for God alone knows how long…missin' that big dance recital of hers…"

"It _sucks_," she spat, looking up at him fiercely. "That what you wanted to hear?"

"Just nice to see you admit it," he replied with a shrug. "Look…we're both missin' people we love, we're both sad about it, so let's just cut the crap. You're missin' your daughter, I'm just missin' my girlfriend. You win."

"I win?" she asked with a suspicious frown. "Win what?"

"You can drive," he conceded casually. "But only if you let me give you a hug first."

"A hug?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest. "What the hell you think I need a hug for?"

"Well, I miss Lil already," Scotty began, and Kat choked back what sounded suspiciously like laughter.

"You've only been apart ten minutes," she pointed out. "You can't possibly miss her yet."

"But I do," he insisted, the sadness that permeated his voice only slightly exaggerated, "and I can't even imagine how much you must be missin' that girl of yours."

_Damn him. _Kat sighed and rolled her eyes. "You are one sad, pathetic sack of crap, Man Candy," she declared, but in her heart of hearts was forced to admit that, during the brief period of time she was wrapped in his arms, she did feel just a tiny bit better.

"Hope that helped," Scotty grinned.

"Don't press your luck," Kat ordered, glaring at him. He just continued to smirk, then swept an arm toward the driver's door in an exaggerated courtly gesture. "All yours."

She glared at him once more, then started to dig in her pocket for the keys. To her immense surprise, however, she couldn't find them. Frowning in confusion, she searched her other pocket, again coming up empty. _What the hell? They were just there a second ago…_

"Lookin' for these?" Scotty asked teasingly, pulling the keys he'd just pilfered out from behind his back and dangling them in front of her face with the proudest smirk she'd ever seen on his face.

Kat's eyes widened. "You son of a bitch," she snarled, though she couldn't hide her grin.

Scotty chortled with delight as he unlocked the car and slid into the driver's seat, and Kat reluctantly took her place beside him. "Your ass is gonna regret this," she warned.

"I doubt it," Scotty replied gleefully.

"Gotta admit," she continued. "This cocky jackass routine of yours is way the hell better than that sad, weepy, 'I miss Lil' bullcrap."

"I do miss Lil," Scotty informed her, and Kat rolled her eyes again. It was going to be a long, long trip.

*****

After a few minutes of driving in silence, Scotty turned to his partner with a somewhat sheepish grin. "I…kinda need to stop by Wal-Mart and pick up a couple things I forgot," he announced.

Kat arched a brow. "Forgot?" she asked. "What the hell could you have possibly forgotten?"

Scotty's grin widened. "Oh, just some toothpaste…toothbrush…razor…"

Kat didn't say anything, just arched her brow further, and Scotty, after a pause, continued.

"Clothes…" he finally admitted.

That shattered the stunned silence. _"Clothes?"_ Kat repeated in disbelief. "Boss gave us an hour to pack! What the hell were you doin'?"

Scotty shrugged nonchalantly. "Someone had to teach all those knuckleheads how to work the fax machine."

Kat studied her partner carefully. She'd have almost believed him…_almost_…except for that one piece of incontrovertible evidence…

"It's a good thing you're a cop," she remarked, slyly leaning toward him and deftly snagging something from his jacket pocket, "'cause you'd make a lousy-ass criminal," she concluded, dangling a pair of black lace panties in front of him.

"How the hell'd those get there?" he mumbled, and Kat just glared at him, letting him know in no uncertain terms that his patented Scotty Valens Innocent Face wouldn't get anywhere with her. Finally, he sighed and rolled his eyes as he snatched Lilly's underwear back from Kat and stuffed it in his pocket once more.

"Fine," he admitted with a grin. "I was sayin' goodbye to Lil, and she…wanted me to have somethin' to remember her by. Happy?"

Kat frowned at him incredulously. "Happy? 'Cause my skanky-ass partner spent the hour he was supposed to be packin' screwin' his girlfriend on police property, keepin' her freakin' underwear as a souvenir, and now I gotta go to Wal-Mart, a place I swore to boycott three years ago, all 'cause he can't keep his damn hands to himself? No, I'm not happy! Now which part of Headquarters did the two of you besmirch?"

"Besmirch?" Scotty repeated, blinking in surprise.

Kat rolled her eyes. "Veronica had a vocabulary test this mornin'. I was helpin' her study. And you're missin' the point."

"Do you really wanna know?" Scotty asked her, wiggling his brows suggestively. "'Cause it coulda been anywhere. Coulda been the interview room…the bathroom…we had a whole hour, y'know…coulda been more than one place…"

Scotty felt the heat of his partner's glare on him, but kept going. "The supply closet…this car…"

Kat blanched visibly, and Scotty relished her discomfort. Oh, sure, it probably made him a bad person, but at that point, he was having too damn much fun to care.

"If you did it in this car," she began, the unspoken threat hanging almost visibly in the air between them, and Scotty read the rage in her eyes, realized that a line was dangerously close to being crossed, if it hadn't already, and hastily backtracked.

"Relax, Miller," he replied, hoping his voice didn't betray his sudden fear. "I can assure you it was nowhere you've ever gone and nowhere you'll ever go."

"Damn right," she agreed, then glared at him once more. "Now turn this car around and go home."

"Home?" Scotty repeated blankly.

"I ain't settin' foot in a Wal-Mart, and I sure as hell ain't bein' seen in public with someone who buys clothes there," she declared. "If we got time to stop there, we got time to go back to your place and let you do what you shoulda been doin' all along."

Scotty grinned. "You're a pal, Miller."

"You got no idea how close I am to killin' you right now, Valens," she replied.

*****

"Ten minutes," Kat insisted, almost maternally, once they'd reached Scotty's apartment. "That's all I'm givin' you, and you're lucky you get that much."

Scotty chuckled. "I'm a guy," he pointed out. "Doesn't take me nearly as long as it does you women," he added, then hastily ducked into the bedroom as Kat fired one of his sofa cushions at him.

Sure enough, it didn't take long. Essential toiletries, a few changes of clothes…he was just digging in his sock drawer when his fingers brushed the black velvet of the engagement ring box, and he stopped in his tracks and paused to consider it.

That diamond, that ornamentation, those sapphires…the sapphires that were the exact shade of Lilly's eyes. As he pondered those stones, he remembered the look those very eyes had given him as he'd prepared to leave after their interlude in the room on the top floor. They'd shone, once again, with unshed tears and an almost heartbreaking sadness as he'd slipped back into his clothes, and, to be honest, he'd wondered what the fuss was about. Sure, he was leaving, but he'd be back in a couple days. Just a quick trip down to Virginia, a chat with Maria de la Rosa, then back up to Philly. One night. Two at most. He wouldn't be gone long, and although his own heart had been filled with dread at leaving Lilly, he could tell that she was being hit worse, and he couldn't for the life of him think why.

But as he studied the ring, the truth hit him. She didn't know the difference between someone who was leaving for a little while under duress and someone who was choosing to walk out of her life for good. Everyone she'd ever loved had left her, and Scotty was doing the same thing. Oh, he knew her head knew the difference, knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she'd been reminding herself that he wasn't leaving her, he was just going away for a few days for work…but the still-wounded heart of the little girl who'd been hurt so many times simply couldn't understand.

Scotty sighed as he put the ring back in the box. If he'd been carrying it around like he had when he first got it, he figured, he might have asked when he first picked up on how sad she was, but he was glad he hadn't. Something about proposing immediately after sex, and immediately before leaving on a trip, just didn't sit right with him. But Lilly needed to know this was different, that he wasn't like all the others, that he wouldn't…

"You gonna stand there and stare at that thing all day, or are we gonna hit the road?" his partner's voice asked from the doorway, shattering his reverie.

Scotty hastily slipped the ring into his pocket and out of his mind. He sure as hell wasn't gonna ask Lilly over the phone, he knew that much. And he still clung to the idea of not asking her just to prove a point, of waiting for the perfect moment when the stars were aligned and the universe was smiling on them. But maybe…maybe when they got back, that moment would be ready and waiting for him.

"All packed," he replied with a grin as he zipped his suitcase, then glanced down at his watch. "With… three minutes to spare. You should be proud."

Kat rolled her eyes, but Scotty accepted her silence as a point in his favor. With her, he'd take whatever he could get.

*****

Six hours later, however, whatever he could get turned out to be hastily muttered directions from his partner, who had her face buried in the road atlas and refused to look up for anything in the world. Scotty couldn't help but wonder, really, if perhaps they'd taken a wrong turn somewhere, but he knew from the almost murderous expression in Kat's eyes that he'd better as hell not ask. But, by his calculations, they should have reached the Richmond city limits quite a while back, should have been in the thick of rush hour traffic, not…in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by hills and trees and very little else, where they suddenly seemed to be.

As the miles passed and the light began to fade, Scotty's concern grew. "This a shortcut or somethin'?" he asked lightly.

"No," Kat retorted defensively.

"It's just…I never been to Richmond before, but…I kinda...thought it'd look a little bit more like…a city. You sure you know where we are?" he asked her with caution, but she just glared at him.

"Course I know where we are," she replied, although he couldn't help but notice her turning the map ninety degrees and frowning at it with intense concentration.

"D'you…mind lettin' me in on that?" Scotty asked, unable to hide his discomfort any longer, but she was still focused on the map.

"We should be comin' up to Richmond any minute now," she answered grimly.

Scotty had his doubts, but he kept driving for a few minutes…that is, until he pulled up to a derelict-looking gas station called the "Git 'N Scram." He stared at it in disbelief for a second, taking in the peeling paint, the Port-A-Potty out back, and the hastily-scrawled signs proclaiming that the proprietor not only dealt in fried chicken, but also in live bait, and finally turned to Kat with a skeptical expression on his face.

"Richmond, huh?" he asked. "You ever been to Richmond, Miller?"

"Once," Kat replied softly.

"This look like Richmond to you?" he asked. "'Cause…I was kinda expectin'…y'know…civilization?"

He was thoroughly unprepared for the vehement outburst from his partner, rife with genuine distress and not her usual snarky sarcasm. "Dammit, Man Candy, I told you shoulda let me drive."

"Why?" Scotty asked in utter mystification.

"So we'd be there by now," she answered, her voice tight with frustration.

"So you're sayin' it's my fault we're…_here_…" he floundered, gesturing helplessly at the Git 'N Scram sign, "insteada where we oughta be?"

"You can probably read a map," she groused, flinging the atlas at him.

"And you can't?" he asked with a chuckle, glancing over at her. One look at her, though…one look told him that, to his utter incredulity, he'd hit the nail on the head. Kat Miller _couldn't _read a map to save her life.

"Why the hell do you think I wanted to drive?" she asked him, folding her arms across her chest and glaring darkly at him.

"I dunno…your…standard one-upmanship?" he guessed.

"Not this time," she muttered.

"So…you got no idea where we are," Scotty concluded. He supposed he should have been worried…they were obviously miles, perhaps many, many miles, away from where they were supposed to be, it was getting dark, who the hell knew whether anyone around here would have any idea how to get back to something resembling the interstate, they might not even have cell phone reception…but the fact that Kat Miller was utterly terrible at something was simply so astounding, and amusing, that those emotions quickly overrode anything and everything else.

"No," his partner admitted quietly.

A chuckle started to escape his lips. He knew he shouldn't laugh, couldn't laugh, that it would probably be akin to a signature on his own death warrant, but he just couldn't stop it. Fortunately, at that moment, his phone rang.

"Valens," he answered, without checking the caller ID.

"Hey, Scotty," Vera's voice came over the line. "You guys there yet?"

The corners of Scotty's mouth twitched with repressed laughter. "No, Nicky," he replied. "We ain't there yet."

"Why the hell not?" Vera asked. "You left, like, seven hours ago."

"Well," Scotty began, relishing the look of surprise, then horror, then even more murderous rage that crossed Kat's face, "I'll let Miller tell you." She shook her head almost violently, but Scotty thrust the phone at her as he opened his door.

"You tell Nicky why we're in the middle of friggin' nowhere," he ordered, still unable to hide his amusement. "I'm gonna go see if Billy Bob here can tell us where the hell we are." Without waiting for a reply, he dropped the phone in his partner's lap, ignored her glare, and strolled his way into the Git 'N Scram, suddenly developing a hankering for fried chicken.

*****

That night, Lilly slipped into the front door of her dark, somewhat musty apartment, dropped her keys on the table, and sank onto the sofa, where the cats quickly joined her. Olivia immediately hopped into Lilly's lap and purred contentedly, but Tripod peered around the corner, out the window, even under the couch, and Lilly chuckled sadly as she realized that her pet was looking for the exact same person she longed to see.

"Sorry, sweetie," she cooed, ignoring Tripod's protests as she lifted the cat off the floor and settled her onto the couch. "He's not coming over tonight…it's just me."

Tripod merely glared at her, hopped off the sofa, and continued her search for Scotty, while Olivia looked back at Lilly, the expression in her eye radiating a clear, feline version of _I told you so._

Lilly sighed and scratched Olivia between the ears. "He's not gone for good, silly. I know…I said that about everyone else, and they all left, but…he's just gone for a little while. He'll be back before you know it."

Olivia continued to peer at Lilly, still unconvinced, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, turning her head back and lowering it onto her paws, content that, for whatever reason, she didn't have to share Lilly with anyone that night.

After a while, Lilly got hungry, so she lifted the reluctant Olivia from her lap and wandered into the kitchen, where she dug around in her freezer and unearthed one of the last remaining relics of her days as a single woman: a single-serve frozen dinner. Lilly chuckled as she remembered one night over a year earlier when she'd come home from work, frustrated by yet another day of freezing Scotty out, trying to forget everything that had happened in Nashville, and had been so desperately lonely and at her wits' end that she'd flung that freshly-microwaved dinner against the wall. She wouldn't do that this time, she was sure. Scotty wasn't _gone, _he was just _away. _It wasn't his choice to leave, he'd made that abundantly clear that afternoon in the deserted room on the top floor. Though she could tell that he didn't entirely understand why she was so sad, he'd reassured her with a promise to be back as soon as he possibly could, and Lilly knew Scotty well enough to know that he'd keep that promise, come hell or high water.

As the evening progressed, however, the loneliness grew. Lilly's mind, her rational mind that was in control of her entire being the vast majority of the time, kept reminding her that Scotty wasn't gone, he hadn't left her, he was out of town for work and would be back in a few days at most. But her heart, the still-wounded heart of the little girl whose father had walked out on her when she was six, didn't understand the difference. It didn't matter why Scotty was gone, he was just gone, and that's all her heart could understand.

She grew more and more restless as the hours passed, dreading the moment when she'd have to climb those stairs and settle down into the bed they normally shared and know that she'd be sleeping in it alone for the next few nights, that if she awakened in the middle of the night, she wouldn't be able to snuggle close to the warm body of the man she loved, to have him wrap his arm around her even when he was asleep. She briefly considered just sleeping on the couch, or even the day bed, but the couch wasn't comfortable for anything more than a short nap, and the day bed…well, that still screamed Christina to her, so she avoided that room if at all possible. Mostly she just left it to the cats.

With a weary sigh, she trudged up the stairs to change into her pajamas, and as she rooted around in her closet, she expected the sight of the few changes of work clothes Scotty had left to depress her even further, but, to her surprise, they didn't. She took a long, lingering look at one of his dress shirts, that dark one she liked so much, and could catch a faint whiff of his aftershave on the collar.

_See, Lil? _She could almost hear him saying from behind her, that lopsided cocky grin plastered across his features. _I ain't really gone. _

With a contented sigh, she pulled Scotty's shirt off the hanger and wrapped herself in it, feeling almost like she was wrapped in his arms, the dull emptiness she'd felt all evening fading somewhat. As she looked around, she realized just how much of a presence he actually was in her house. The fridge now stocked more than just the bare essentials, and she always made sure it contained the makings of fresh salsa so he could whip some up whenever he felt inspired to make that Cuban egg dish his grandmother had taught him. Her shower now had two bottles of shampoo, her flowery brand and his nondescript, as he called it, "man shampoo." Her sink had two toothbrushes, and even two tubes of toothpaste, since they hated each other's respective brands. She had a few pairs of his boxers in her drawer, his shirts in her closet, and a hastily scribbled phone message in his distinctively messy-yet-still legible handwriting.

No, Scotty wasn't gone. He was far from it. He was around. Always.

Lilly realized, as she snuggled into bed with the cats and the case file, that there was a time in her life when that thought would have absolutely terrified her. No, scratch that. It _did _absolutely terrify her. Joseph had invaded her life much in the same way Scotty had. His toothbrush had lain by the side of the sink, and they'd never argued about toothpaste. He hadn't even bothered to bring his own shampoo; he'd said one morning when she'd teased him about smelling like flowers that it'd give the kids he counseled something to think about besides trying to stay clean. He'd never once suggested that they stay at his place; after that first night, it was always at her apartment, and she could count on one hand the number of nights they'd spent apart in the few weeks they dated, and those were nearly always because of a case on her part or some sort of emergency at the youth center on his. He'd invaded her life, yes, but something about the way he'd done it had terrified her, like he'd just assumed she was on the same page as he was, and she wasn't.

She couldn't blame him for being hurt when by their breakup, especially when she'd confessed to him just how painfully difficult it was for her to choose between someone who she'd known forever, who knew everything about her and loved her anyway, and someone she'd essentially just met, but his accusations still stung even all these months later.

_He's never around, _Joseph had said of Ray. _I mean, maybe that's what you want._

At the time, she'd vehemently disagreed with him. She wanted him, and he was always around. But now, with the benefit of finding the person she really did love with all her heart, as well as the passage of time, she realized that, although she'd been partially right, so had he. He was always around, being perfect and sweet and sensitive, and yet she still couldn't let him in. She'd let him into her house, sure, but she wouldn't let him into her heart.

But Scotty…good Lord, Scotty was so much in her heart that it was almost as though it had been forever altered to make room for him. She'd shared everything with him, even her darkest secret, and nothing had changed. He hadn't pitied her, he hadn't babied her, he hadn't treated her any differently than he always had: he worried, yes, but he'd done that before. Overprotective? As always, but no more so than usual. Mostly, he was just himself. Just the Scotty that she'd come to know and love, gradually, ever since the moment she'd first laid eyes on him and thought, at the time, that there was no way in hell she'd ever be able to take him seriously.

And as Lilly looked around her room and saw the signs that Scotty was, indeed, not going anywhere, she realized that that was exactly what she wanted. She wanted him around. She wanted him in her home, in her life, in her heart. She wanted nothing more than to be able to relax in his arms and lay her head on his shoulder and drift off to sleep, wanted nothing more than to hear the sound of his voice.

Well, one of those things she wouldn't be able to have for a couple days, she knew, but one of them…one of them, she could have right that second.

With a smile, she reached for her phone.

******

After being given the once-over at least three times by the overweight man behind the counter of the Git 'N Scram, Scotty finally obtained directions to Richmond, which, he was shocked to discover, was three hours in the opposite direction from which they'd just traveled. He supposed he could have been angry, but he was still too damn entertained by the fact that his bad-ass partner couldn't read a map to save her life. With a basket full of fried chicken, a six-pack of beer he figured he'd sorely need if they ever actually reached their destination, and surprisingly clear directions freshly penned in his notebook, he strolled back to the car, that grin a permanent fixture on his face.

"You happy now?" Kat greeted him angrily.

"Figured out how to get us to Richmond," he said, "and I got me some dinner, so…yeah. I'm happy. Want some?" he asked, holding out a drumstick to her.

She looked at him incredulously. "You got any idea how hungry I'd have to be to eat fried chicken cooked by a man who deals in _live bait?_" she asked.

Scotty glanced down at his chicken, suddenly far less enthused about it than he had been a few seconds ago. He could feel his stomach starting to churn as he studied it anew, wondering if that funny-looking piece that stuck off the drumstick was batter, as he'd originally assumed, or something far more sinister. Steeling himself, though, he made up his mind. He wasn't about to give his partner the satisfaction of ruining his appetite.

"Oh, that's just a bonus," he replied enthusiastically as he slid into the passenger seat.

"You're lettin' me drive?" Kat asked.

"Hell, yeah," Scotty agreed around a mouthful of chicken. "I wanna get there sometime tonight. So you drive, I'll navigate."

"Man Candy sees the light," Kat muttered as she started the car.

"Shut up and let me enjoy my chicken," he retorted, sinking his teeth into a satisfyingly-crunchy drumstick.

"Sure as hell hope that ain't a cricket you just bit into," she replied, causing Scotty's face to blanch with barely concealed alarm and his stomach to churn anew.

A few minutes later, thanks to the Git 'N Scram guy's detailed directions, Kat found the long-lost interstate, and the rest of the trip to Richmond passed smoothly. Scotty was shocked to discover, though, that it was past ten-thirty when they finally checked into their hotel, and he could see his own fatigue reflected in his partner's eyes as they trudged down the hallway to their rooms.

In fact, it was that very exhaustion that had Scotty half-convinced he was dreaming when Kat spoke quietly from beside him. "I'm…sorry. About the map. I shoulda told you."

Scotty stopped dead in his tracks, a dozen retorts of surprise, amazement, and unassailable triumph clamoring around in his head, drowned out suddenly by the voice of his conscience, which insisted that he shut the hell up and not ruin the moment.

"'S'okay," he replied, dropping his suitcase and leaning against the doorway of his room. "Happens to the best of us." He was mere seconds away from being able to talk to Lilly, and he wasn't about to let a silly navigational mishap get in the way of that.

Kat studied him for a moment, reading in a heartbeat the expression in his eyes. "You really miss her, don't you?" she asked.

"That obvious, huh?" he replied with a grin.

Kat rolled her eyes. "Don't blame you," she conceded with a shrug. "Carryin' that ring around with you everywhere and all."

Scotty flashed back to another trip, this time on a plane, when he and Lilly, just friends back then, had joked on the way about being lone wolf cops. How very, very long ago that seemed, he realized, as he fingered the box in his pocket.

"Well, don't just play with it," she chided gently, bringing him back to the present. "Lemme see it."

Scotty proudly popped open the box, and Kat's eyes widened in amazement. "That ain't bad, Man Candy," she said, her happiness genuine.

"Thanks," Scotty replied, snapping the box closed and slipping it back into his pocket. "Just…gotta figure out when to ask her."

"You don't wanna rush it," she said, repeating advice she'd given him a few weeks back. "You don't wanna ask a question you don't know the answer to. But when it's right, you'll know."

Scotty quirked a brow at her. "Sounds like you know somethin' about it," he remarked.

Kat realized that, during the course of her conversation with Scotty, she'd slipped a hand into her pocket and begun to unconsciously toy with her own engagement ring. "You don't get to be where we are without bein' really damn observant," she replied casually.

Scotty smiled in response, and Kat slipped her key into the lock."'Night, Man Candy," she said wearily.

"Yeah…'night," he replied, and entered his own room, where he stripped off his work clothes and sank down onto the bed, then popped open one of the beers he'd bought at the Git 'N Scram and downed it without so much as a thought. Damn, he missed Lilly. He had no idea how much he actually would until he was away from her.

This was way different than the way he missed her when they were fighting, or that brief period they'd been broken up a year before. That missing her was tinged with the panic and despair he felt when he tried to picture his life without the woman he loved. But this…it wasn't the sharp, searing pain, marred with self-loathing and mental ass-kicking for all the ways he'd screwed up. It was just a dull ache, an emptiness tinged with the knowledge that they were apart because they had to be, not because they wanted to be.

But that didn't make it suck any less, he realized with a wry grin as he popped open his second beer and picked up the phone to call her.

To his surprise, it started buzzing the second he touched it, and his heart warmed to see the picture of Lilly on his caller ID. He realized, as he glanced at that photo, that there was definitely a reason he didn't like to let anyone borrow his phone. That picture was borderline indecent, but Lilly had taken it herself one night when he was in the shower, then called him surreptitiously as he dried off. He'd dived for the phone, thinking it was work, and had nearly fallen over with surprise when he saw the photo. After doubling over with laughter at his reaction, she realized that he fully intended to keep it, and, blushing in abject horror, she'd tried to convince him to remove it. With a wickedly mischievous grin, however, he'd steadfastly refused and now, now that he was hundreds of miles away from her, he was really glad he hadn't.

"Was just thinkin' about you," he said by way of greeting.

"You were, huh?" Lilly replied, the amusement coming through loud and clear.

"Course I was," he answered.

"Good," she said matter-of-factly. "I was thinkin' about you."

Scotty sighed happily as he climbed into bed and switched off the light. "I miss you," he said softly.

"Oh, me too," Lilly replied, and he could hear just how much in the tone of her voice. "I had no idea how much I would until you were gone."

"Me either," Scotty echoed.

"I didn't really want anything," she said after a pause. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"I'm glad," he replied. "I wanted to hear yours, too." He hesitated, then asked, "You feelin' any better?"

"I am now," she answered. "If I close my eyes, it's like you're here."

"I'm there, Lil," he insisted. "You may not be able to see me, but I'm there." _And I always will be, _he added silently.

"I know," she agreed. "You're here…and I'm there with you."

"I know you are," he said. "I can feel it."

"Good," she replied. "'Night, Scotty," she added softly, snuggling down into her bed and switching off the light.

"'Night, Lil."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."


	31. Secrets

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. The last scene was taken directly from episode 4.22, "Cargo," which I also don't own.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-One: Secrets**

After spending the morning interviewing the three Hillman children who had relocated to Virginia after their parents' murder, Scotty and Kat headed to a fairly well-appointed retirement home for their interview with Maria. The second she opened the door to her apartment, her face lit up, almost with familial recognition, when she saw Scotty.

"_Boriqua," _she exclaimed, promptly kissing him on both cheeks, then went on, in rapid-fire Spanish, to express her amazement that not only had Philadelphia's finest sent someone who spoke her language, but a fellow Puerto Rican to boot.

"_Solamente por parte de mi madre," _Scotty explained with a grin, then went on to explain his father's family's Cuban heritage.

"Half Cuban, half Puerto Rican, and all dumbass," Kat muttered under her breath, leading Scotty to stop, mid-sentence, and stare at his partner in amazement. She understood Spanish? _That _couldn't be right.

_It's just a lucky guess_, he reassured himself. She'd heard him explain his family's story before, and it didn't take an ace detective to use contextual clues to figure out what he was talking about, even if it was in a foreign language. Context. That had to be it. Because surely Kat Miller couldn't---

But before he could even finish his thought, his partner had stepped forward to introduce herself to Maria. "Kat Miller, Philadelphia Homicide. _Mucho gusto,_" she finished, her accent utterly flawless and her eyes twinkling with unassailable triumph.

Scotty was completely dumbfounded, and could only stare, open-mouthed, as he and Kat followed Maria into the living room, and his partner launched into a rapid-fire conversation with her as she poured them all a cup of tea. He supposed he should have tried to follow what they were saying, but, for the moment, he was far too busy being amazed that, after three years of working with this woman, a year of being her partner, she'd never mentioned that she was also fluent in Spanish. Then again, he realized with a wry grin, he probably still wouldn't know Kat had a daughter if Vera hadn't dragged him and Jeffries along on his pseudo-stalking mission right after Kat joined the squad. That night, three years back, Vera had insisted on scoping out what he was absolutely certain was Kat's date with another woman, although the mysterious Veronica had turned out to be much shorter, and quite a bit younger, than previously thought. So, reflecting on his partner's natural reticence, Scotty figured he shouldn't be surprised that she hadn't revealed her hidden talents, and he idly wondered what else she was hiding. A black belt in Tae Kwon Do? Tattoos? A Grammy? He swore up and down that nothing he could learn about Kat Miller from here on out would ever surprise him again, but he also realized that no matter how many times he made that promise to himself, he wouldn't be able to keep it. No way in hell.

"Earth to Valens," Kat's voice burst through his reverie, and he looked up to discover Maria watching him, expectant amusement twinkling in her dark eyes, and a teasing grin playing at the corners of Kat's lips.

"We startin' the interview now, or are we still havin' a tea party?" Scotty asked in Spanish, trying to hide the fact that they'd probably been trying to get his attention for quite some time.

Maria leaned closer to Kat and murmured, in conspiratorial Spanish, "What is this guy, new?"

"Total rookie," Kat deadpanned, provoking Scotty to shoot her a glare as he whipped out his notebook and prepared to redeem himself.

* * *

Over the course of the interview, Maria told them that, before the Hillman family had left Virginia, Bob Hillman had exchanged words with Ted Smith, a fellow doctor and family friend with whom, it seemed, the Hillmans had begun to argue on a regular basis, although Maria wasn't entirely sure what those arguments were about. In the specific incident she recalled, and had been dying to tell Philly Homicide for twenty-five years, Dr. Smith had come to Philadelphia for a conference and had stopped by the house to see the family. Bob hadn't been home at the time, and it seemed to Maria that Dr. Smith had tried to put the moves on Felicia. She had, of course, resisted, and when Bob had arrived, he'd hit the roof. Maria hadn't been able to understand much of what they were saying, but she hadn't needed to. The situation translated itself perfectly. Three days later, Maria explained, the conference was over, both Bob and Felicia were missing, and Dr. Smith had returned to Virginia to his practice. His housekeeper, a close friend of Maria's, had told her that they were relocating a few months after the murders, although she couldn't quite remember where they'd moved, since her friend had passed away fifteen years back. Maria was pretty certain, however, that she still had an old Christmas card from her friend, and, her lined face creasing with the effort of remembrance, she rose from the chair and headed off to the bedroom to see if she could find it.

The second Maria left the room, Scotty turned to Kat, arching a skeptical brow. If it had been anyone else, Kat knew the comment he was about to make would be about the case, but it was Scotty, and the look in his eyes told her before he even opened his mouth that the case was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment.

"Spanish, huh?" he asked, and she chuckled in triumph.

"Never mentioned that before," he muttered darkly.

"Never came up," Kat replied with a nonchalant shrug.

Scotty sputtered in disbelief. "Never came up? Boss asked, point-blank, if any of the rest of you idiots spoke Spanish, and you didn't say a thing!"

"Just 'cause the man asks a question doesn't mean I gotta answer it," she retorted. "You think I _wanted_ to go to Virginia? Be away from V?"

"Think I wanted to be away from_ Lil_?" Scotty shot back.

Kat rolled her eyes. "Please," she said dismissively. "You and Lil see way too much of each other as it is."

Scotty opened his mouth to protest, but Kat shot him a look that told him, in no uncertain terms, that she was having an unwelcome memory of the black lace panties she'd pulled from his jacket pocket the previous afternoon, so he changed tactics.

"Well, how'd you learn Spanish, anyway?" he asked, still irritated.

"My grandmother was Dominican," Kat explained. "Besides, you know as well as I do that speakin' Spanish sometimes comes in handy when you're workin' undercover."

Scotty shook his head. Now that the amazement was wearing off, he was startled to discover something that was…well, almost akin to jealousy. Despite his earlier grumblings that nobody else in Homicide had ever bothered to learn Spanish, truth be told, he was sort of proud that he was the go-to guy for that. He had something the others didn't, a special skill that could be called upon at a moment's notice that might help crack cases and bring justice to people who'd long been denied it. He supposed he should have been happy that he had backup in that area now, but honestly? Spanish was _his _thing, dammit.

"Got any other hidden talents you wanna share with us? You some kinda black belt or somethin'?" he asked, almost bitterly. "You know how to work the fax machine, too?"

"People are havin' problems with the fax machine?" she asked innocently.

"Don't give me that crap," Scotty retorted with a roll of his eyes, but he couldn't help grinning. "What else are you hidin' from me, Miller?" he asked.

Kat thought briefly of the sparkling engagement ring she now wore on a chain around her neck, tucked safely under the collar of her shirt. "Nothin'," she replied evenly.

"Uh-huh," Scotty agreed sarcastically. "You might start with whatever dirt Will's got on you that made you come down here in the first place. 'Cause I _know _comin' down here sure wasn't your choice."

Momentarily caught off-guard, Kat frantically searched her brain for a suitable response, but was saved by Maria's re-emergence from the bedroom bearing a slip of paper with a neatly penned address on it.

"_Vive en Baltimore," _she told them, and Kat copied down the address while Scotty tried to wrap his mind around the fact that their road trip wasn't quite over yet, and they'd have to head off to Baltimore, meaning, in all likelihood, that they'd be gone longer than previously thought. One night without Lilly had been hard enough, but now he was looking at at least two more. Their interviews that morning had taken longer than expected, and they wouldn't be arriving in Baltimore until well past dark at this rate, meaning that their interview would need to be delayed until the following day. And that was only if this Dr. Smith turned out to be the doer and was in the mood to share. If not, they could be on a wild goose chase across God alone knew where, and Scotty realized that he might be looking at several days away from Lilly.

As they left the retirement home and walked back to their car, Scotty sighed reluctantly. "Baltimore," he repeated, still trying to absorb the unpleasant reality.

"Looks like it," Kat agreed reluctantly.

"You know how to get there?" Scotty asked, grinning slyly in his partner's direction.

"Not a clue," she replied cheerfully.

Scotty rolled his eyes and tossed her the keys. "Then you're drivin'," he declared.

Kat smiled in triumph as the keys landed in her outstretched hand. "Damn right," she agreed.

Scotty studied her carefully. "You sure you ain't makin' that map thing up?" he asked suddenly.

Kat stared at him in utter disbelief as she opened the car door. "You think I took us three hours out of our way to the Git 'N Scram and let you eat that disgusting-ass fried chicken just so you'd let me drive? "

"Wouldn't put it past you," Scotty replied with a shrug, sinking into the passenger seat. "Fluent in Spanish, I figure maybe you're secretly good at map readin', too."

Kat rolled her eyes and slid into the driver's seat. "Please, Man Candy," she retorted. "I don't need to resort to that kinda trickery to get drivin' privileges."

"This from the woman who fell for the oldest trick in the book yesterday," Scotty shot back, earning him a hefty punch in the shoulder from his partner. It never would cease to amaze him how freakishly strong she was. Despite his best efforts to hide the pain, he couldn't help but grimace.

"Shut up and navigate," she ordered as she started the car.

"Yes, ma'am," he agreed, opening the road atlas and thumbing through its pages.

* * *

"Dammit," Lilly swore under her breath as she tried yet another combination of keys on the fax machine.

"Paper jam again?" Vera asked as he strolled by with a fresh mug of coffee and took a bite out of his donut, having discovered, to his surprise, that with a shorthanded squad, there were still donuts left in the box this late in the afternoon. Vera had to admit that it was nice to not have to fight Miller for it, but, he realized, an uncontested donut…well…somehow it just didn't taste as good.

"No," Lilly replied between clenched teeth. "It's saying something about PC load letter, and I don't have a clue what that means." She glanced up at Vera almost helplessly. "I don't suppose _you_ do."

Vera set his snack down on the nearest desk, cracked his knuckles, and proudly strolled to the machine. "I might know a thing or two," he declared confidently.

Lilly arched a brow at him and stepped back, skeptically folding her arms across her chest as she Vera punch in a code. The fax machine whirred briefly, then paused as though considering the appropriate response. After a moment, it spat the paper out defiantly and emitted a disapproving beep.

"Dammit," Vera exclaimed in disbelief. "That's supposed to work. That's _exactly_ what Scotty said to do when it does that."

Lilly couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Guess the fax machine misses him and his magic fingers," she remarked.

Vera shot his colleague a brief glare as he retrieved his snack. "Well, I'm sure those magic fingers'll be dialin' your number any minute now, so maybe Man Candy can tell us how to fix the damn thing."

As if on cue, Lilly's phone rang, and she smiled at Vera sheepishly while he chortled in triumph. "Least I got one thing right around here," he crowed around another bite of donut.

Lilly shot him a glare, then ignored her colleague as she flipped open her phone. "I was just thinkin' about you," she said as professionally as possible, though she couldn't hide her smile.

"Yeah?" Scotty replied, and Lilly could _hear_ his self-assured grin over the phone.

"Of course," she answered, her smile widening. "We can't figure out the fax machine."

Scotty chuckled. "Oh, I see what I'm good for around there," he said sarcastically. "I was thinkin' maybe you still missed me or somethin', but no, it's just the damn fax machine."

"Well, it's not the only one who misses you," Lilly encouraged, as Vera rolled his eyes.

"Get to the point," he griped.

"Listen, Lil…" Scotty began uncertainly, and Lilly's smile faded. He didn't sound quite right.

"What is it?" she asked, glancing at Vera with concern.

"Maria gave us a great interview," he began. "Said she saw a confrontation between the victims and this guy who used to work with the husband."

"Well, that's good," Lilly replied.

"But…" he continued.

"But…" Lilly repeated.

"This former co-worker…kinda lives in Baltimore now," he finished reluctantly.

"Baltimore?" she asked, her heart sinking to her shoes. That would mean at least one more night away from Scotty.

"'Fraid so," Scotty confirmed.

Lilly sighed. "Well…you gotta do what you gotta do."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Damn job."

"My thoughts exactly," Lilly replied. "So go get this guy so you can get home."

"'Cause you miss me," Scotty concluded confidently.

"I'm not the only one," she replied teasingly, earning her another brief glare from Vera.

"Yeah…what's this I hear about the fax machine missin' me?" he asked, and Lilly rolled her eyes as she could practically hear his ego swelling over the phone.

"PC load letter," she replied grimly, and set to work as Scotty gave her the instructions. It was going to be a long, long couple of days.

* * *

Two hours later, Kat and Scotty were headed for Baltimore, stuck in a slow crawl of construction-zone traffic, and Kat sighed as Scotty flipped his phone closed yet again.

"You're gonna wear that thing out, Man Candy," she scoffed, but he just smiled at her and waited for the replying jangle, which came a moment later.

Kat rolled her eyes as Scotty gleefully flipped open the phone, read the message with a slight chuckle, and began his reply to his most recent missive from Lilly. The frequent text messages and phone calls Rush and Valens had been shooting back and forth, while endearing at first, had since become irritating almost to the point that Kat wanted to launch Scotty's phone out the window, but she knew she couldn't. Not when her own phone kept vibrating inside her coat pocket with nearly the same frequency. The first couple of insistent buzzes had sent the skittering of maternal alarm through her veins, as it always did when she wasn't expecting a call. But a check of the caller ID had told her in no uncertain terms that the frequent messages had nothing to do with Veronica. She couldn't help the smile that crept across her face, and she reluctantly allowed it, knowing Scotty was buried too deep in his own lovelorn communication to notice the frequent buzzes from her phone.

As if on cue, her phone rang again, but to Kat's surprise, it was Lilly. "Miller," Kat answered as she picked up the phone.

"Thank God," Lilly whispered, almost urgently.

"Everything all right?" Kat asked in alarm.

"Oh, it's fine," Lilly answered. "It's just…" she paused, took a deep breath, and then blurted out the truth. "Scotty's driving me _crazy."_

Kat couldn't suppress the giggle that bubbled up within, and Scotty glanced over at his partner, curiosity sparking in his dark eyes.

"Me too," was a reply she decided would be safe.

"He's texting me every other minute, and I love him, and I miss him, you know that…but…I have _got _to get some work done around here. I know you're stuck in a car with nothing to do between Richmond and Baltimore, but some of us are still in the office, Vera keeps running off to do God alone knows what, and Jeffries is in court, and I _have _to concentrate on this case," she fumed.

"I hear that," Kat replied.

"So you gotta take his phone," Lilly concluded.

"You want me to…what?" Kat asked in amused disbelief.

"I'm serious," Lilly answered. "Hide it, take it when he's not looking, steal it at gunpoint if you have to. Just…make him leave me alone. I've tried telling him, but he just doesn't listen," she continued.

"Valens? Not listenin'? Never," Kat replied, the sarcasm evident in her voice.

"Is that Lil?" Scotty demanded as he reached for the phone. "Lemme talk to her."

"He's trying to grab your phone, isn't he?" Lilly realized with a slight smile.

"Mm-hm," Kat agreed.

"If you do this for me, I will never ask you for anything again," Lilly said urgently.

"That's what you said last time," Kat remarked, shooting Scotty a glare as she tried to evade his hands, which were still grabbing for her phone.

"I mean it this time," Lilly replied, though her tone of voice indicated exactly the opposite.

"Consider it done," Kat said, removing her hands from the wheel briefly to shift the phone to her other ear, much to Scotty's chagrin.

"Would you keep both hands on the wheel?" he griped nervously, through clenched teeth, but Kat just smirked triumphantly and said nothing.

"Thank you," Lilly replied, with obvious gratitude. "Tell him I'll talk to him later, and I'll give him all he wants and more---"

"You're on thin ice, Rush," Kat warned.

"---but right now," Lilly continued, "I have to work. And so does he. So take his phone." She didn't wait for a reply before hanging up.

Kat flipped her phone closed, slid it back into her pocket, and fixed Scotty with a sardonic smile. "Gimme your phone, Valens," she ordered.

"Nice try," Scotty replied with a cocky grin as he tossed the phone in the air and caught it. "Need it for work."

"You are drivin' that girlfriend of yours crazy," Kat argued. "And me, too. And you do not wanna annoy me. Not today. Not when I have to give up seein' my child dance to go to Baltimore with your whiny ass."

Momentarily taken aback, Scotty blinked in surprise, but his partner wasn't done.

"I am on orders from Rush herself to take your phone," she continued. "Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way."

"Don't cop-talk me," Scotty ordered reflexively, then glanced up in disbelief. "Lil didn't really say that, did she?"

As if on cue, Scotty's phone vibrated again, and he flipped it open in triumph. "See? She's still talkin' to me."

His smile faded, though, when he read what was written on the screen. "I really said that. Give her your phone. We'll talk later."

At the chagrined look on her partner's face as he closed his phone, Kat couldn't help laughing. "Poor Man Candy," she said, holding her hand out for the phone. "You can talk to your girlfriend later."

Scotty sighed in defeat and placed the phone in Kat's outstretched hand. "You don't scare me," he lied, by way of a parting shot, then switched on the radio and proceeded to glare sullenly out the window. No way in hell did Kat understand how much he missed Lilly. No way did she know what it was like to be forcibly separated from the love of her life. Scotty chuckled mirthlessly as he inwardly grumbled that Kat Miller probably wouldn't know love if it bit her in the ass. She was such a porcupine, that woman, that nobody would dare even try to get close to her. Not if they valued all their vital organs.

Scotty's inner tirade was interrupted by the electronic chirping of a phone, and for a second, he hoped it was Lilly reconsidering and calling him back, just so he could prove Kat wrong, but the phone she pulled from her pocket was small and silver, not his black one.

Scotty was about to return to glaring out the window when he saw Kat actually answer her phone, and he noticed that she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face as she turned down the radio. She glanced warily at him, and he hurriedly looked away, then slowly crept his gaze back to his partner's face when he was sure she wasn't looking at him. Her answers were brief and the words, in and of themselves, gave absolutely nothing away, but the smile in her eyes and the happiness in her voice told him, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that…holy mother of God…she was seeing someone.

Miller? _Seeing someone?_ No, that couldn't be right. He'd have guessed her Spanish fluency before he'd have ever guessed that. But as he continued to watch her, he recognized that look on her face. Granted, he'd never seen it from Kat before, but he'd been around the block enough times to know that expression when he saw it. And, much to Scotty's utter shock, it was plastered across his partner's face. His eyes widened in amazement as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact that Kat Miller, the prickliest woman he knew, apparently had managed to retract her quills at least momentarily. Idly, he wondered what in the world sort of man would be capable of accomplishing that feat.

Kat ended the call quickly, hoping she hadn't given anything away, but at the triumph that sparkled in her partner's brown eyes, she knew her efforts had failed.

"Sounds like somebody's missin' you, too," he remarked with elaborate casualness, not bothering to even glance in her direction.

"Mind outta the gutter, Man Candy. That was just Veronica," Kat lied smoothly.

"Sweet kid like that can't help but miss her moms," Scotty agreed, "'specially one as great as you…but that ain't who called you just now."

Miller glared at him, wordlessly warning him not to press the issue, but he simply smirked and continued. "Oh, yeah, you smile when Veronica calls…I mean, who wouldn't? Hearin' your kid's voice tellin' you she loves you…that's gotta brighten your day. But that smile you got right now---_had," _he amended quickly, noticing the ever-increasing ferocity of her gaze, "that ain't no Veronica smile."

Scotty couldn't help the fear that rose in his chest, but he knew he had the upper hand in this one. If he could just keep it together and hope she didn't strangle him then and there, he had a shot of actually besting Kat Miller. And after the morning's surprise, he was sorely itching to do exactly that.

"Now," he began, concealing his fright with a layer of what he hoped was the ultimate in suave smoothness, "I figure you got two choices."

Kat arched a brow at him. "Since when do _you_ call the shots?" she demanded.

Scotty ignored her. "You can either tell me who that guy is that's puttin' that smile all over your face, or…" he finished triumphantly, "you can give me my phone back."

Kat blinked, and Scotty knew he had her. He resisted the urge to pump his fist in celebration, just continued gazing at her coolly.

"It's just you and me, Miller…trapped in this car," he continued. "We ain't even halfway there yet, and who knows how long it's gonna take to get to Baltimore, what with all the traffic and construction they got goin' on between here and there. Could be a long, long time for you to get questioned by one of the best damn detectives Philly's got. Now," he couldn't resist adding, "we can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

It took every ounce of Kat's willpower to resist the urge to pummel him then and there. She knew he was right, and she knew she didn't have a choice: not if she didn't want to be interrogated about her relationship with Nick Vera. Good God. Scotty knowing about that would be a fate worse than death.

Scotty saw her face soften, and a moment later, she reluctantly pulled his phone out of her pocket, slapping it into his outstretched palm with far more force than necessary.

"Bein' in a relationship has made you too damn perceptive for your own good, jackass," she griped bitterly.

Scotty beamed in triumph, flipped the phone open, and gleefully started texting away, ignoring his partner's sighs and eye-rolls. A moment later, Kat's phone vibrated once more, and she sighed again as she flipped it open. _Damn Vera, never knowin' when enough's enough, _she griped, but it was Lilly, not Vera, who had messaged her.

"WTF?" the message read. "I thought you stole his phone."

* * *

"Well, Maria's story checks out, at least part of it," Jeffries confirmed, beaming triumphantly as he removed a sheet of paper from the fax machine. "Attendance records for the convention they were both at. Ted Smith was in Philly when the Hillmans were killed."

"You figured out how to make the fax machine talk to you," Lilly realized with a smile, taking the attendance records from Jeffries Lilly asked her triumphantly beaming partner as he removed a sheet of paper from the fax machine.

"Sure did," Jeffries answered. "Guess we don't need Valens around here for anything after all."

Lilly shot him a glare. "_You _might not…" she replied, though the iciness of her glare was softened by the grin she just couldn't hide.

Jeffries was about to reply, but he was interrupted by the shrill chirp of Lilly's cell phone. With an irritated sigh, she whipped it out of her pocket and glanced at the caller ID. It was true that she missed Scotty, more than she ever thought possible, but, charming though the frequent text messages were, he was on the verge of driving her insane.

"Speak of the devil," Jeffries continued, but at the stricken look of sudden alarm on his partner's face, his smile faded as he glanced over at her with concern.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

Lilly nodded, though the look in her eyes did nothing to reassure Jeffries. "I'm…gonna need some lost hours," she said, and Jeffries nodded. Reluctantly, Lilly handed him her notes and issued a few hasty last-minute instructions before disappearing around the corner to take the call.

* * *

A few minutes later, Ellen's super was leading Lilly down the hallway of her mother's apartment building. Lilly hadn't ever been to her mother's new place, the place she'd moved into with Jackie, the place she supposed Jackie had moved out of a few months prior, if Lilly's last conversation with her mother had been any indication. Ellen Rush never managed to stay in one place for longer than a couple of years, anyway, so Lilly suddenly wondered how many of her mother's dwellings she'd missed out on.

She didn't have much time to ponder, though, because the super, Gerald, had finally decided to tell Lilly why he'd insisted she come over in the middle of a workday.

"I didn't know who else to call since the husband took off," Gerald explained, somewhat apologetically. "Last saw her a week ago…she won't answer the door."

_Don't panic, Rush_, Lilly told herself, though the adrenaline surging through her veins was strongly urging her to do otherwise. _There's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation. She's holed up…she's grieving Jackie…she's at some bar someplace…_Lilly refused to allow her mind to imagine the more sinister possibilities.

"Okay," she replied, trying desperately to keep the fear out of her voice.

Gerald knocked on Ellen's door, though he the way he knocked seemed, to Lilly, to be a mere formality, and then, almost immediately, retrieved the large ring of keys from his belt and fished among them until he found the right one.

"She's always sayin' how her daughter's got a good job, smart girl…" Gerald began, and his comments took Lilly's breath away.

"Is she?" Lilly asked tentatively, her mind racing with this new, and wholly unexpected, information. Her mother had to be talking about her…she couldn't mean Chris. Lilly could scarcely believe that somehow, some way, even though Ellen had never once said it to her, that she had made her mother proud. Lilly had never heard anything but negativity from her mother about her chosen career path; Ellen, Lilly had come to realize, had felt threatened by the fact that Lilly wanted to rise above, to be something other than white trash from Kensington, bouncing from man to man and bottle to bottle. "I see I'm not good enough for you anymore," her mother had slurred bitterly the night Lilly had announced she'd made Homicide.

But now…now that she'd heard what Gerald said to her…that little morsel of praise caressed her wounded heart the way her mother's hand had caressed her cheek on those nights long ago, the good nights, when Lilly had cleaned up and taken care of things, and her mother had thanked her wordlessly with that gentle gesture. Lilly would have done anything for that, indeed, _had _done just about anything for that…and to hear that her mother had spoken proudly of her…that gave Lilly the strength she needed to summon to take care of whatever mess her mother had landed in this time.

Oblivious to the effect that his words had on the fragile-looking blonde standing behind him, Gerald continued, his voice gruff and businesslike. "So I thought maybe you could take care of the rent. Due three weeks ago," he pointed out.

The rent. Of course. Wouldn't be the first time, Lilly mused, and, with a sinking heart, she also realized that it probably wouldn't be the last.

"Yeah, sure," Lilly said, her voice barely above a whisper. Whatever her mother needed. Whatever it took. It was okay. She'd made her mother proud. Maybe, just maybe, she'd somehow managed to earn her mother's love.

She then slipped back into cop mode. "You said it's…been a week?" Lilly asked. _Keep it together, Rush,_ she continued to coach herself. _Perfectly reasonable explanation. She's found a new man. She's come down with the flu. _

Lilly's inner monologue was silenced briefly as Gerald located the correct key and pushed the door open, stepping aside so Lilly could enter. Filled with fear and trepidation, yet trying desperately to remain calm, she stepped inside.

_She's on vacation._

_She's taken a new job, working nights._

_She's…oh, dear God…_

Lilly could have sworn her heart stopped beating as her inner coaching was shocked into silence by what she saw: her mother, lying in the middle of the living room floor, mail, newspapers, and…but of course…an empty bottle of vodka on the coffee table.

"Mom?" she asked, her voice tight with panic.

Lilly hurried to her mother's side and fell to her knees as she checked for a pulse. There was one, but it was weak. Too weak. Her mother didn't have much time…she had to call an ambulance…had to get her to a hospital…

"She all right?" Gerald asked, concern for something besides the rent finally coloring his voice.

"Mom?" Lilly asked again, willing her mother with every ounce of her being to wake up, wake up, _wake up, goddammit, wake up!_

Finally, she turned to face Gerald.

"No," she said, her breathing rapid and shallow. "Call 911," she ordered, then turned back to her mother, only dimly aware of Gerald whipping out his cell phone and dialing.


	32. Broken

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I also don't know much about medical jargon, so apologies in advance for any inaccuracies. Things that are in this story that aren't on the show, though? Those are mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Broken**

_The broken locks were a warning  
You got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded  
I'm an open book instead_

Later that evening, after the hustle and bustle of the ER had died down, Lilly sank into the uncomfortable chair next to her mother's bed and finally allowed herself to begin to process what had happened that day. The ambulance had taken forever to arrive, it seemed, but once it had, the paramedics sprang into action, shouting instructions and medical jargon to each other, and with all the chaos, Lilly could barely absorb what was going on. All she knew was that her mother was in trouble, trouble of her own making.

They'd taken her to the hospital, run a bunch of tests, and settled her into a room so they could say she was "resting comfortably," but no one had bothered to tell Lilly anything yet. She didn't need to know the specifics to know that this was bad, though exactly _how _bad, she wasn't sure. Ellen was still unconscious, thanks to heavy sedation. Much to Lilly's relief, she had awakened briefly in the ambulance, but hadn't said anything, just looked around, blinking in confusion. Lilly could tell her mother wasn't quite sure where she was, but she could also tell that she didn't much care…she was just looking for the nearest bottle of vodka.

"Mom," Lilly had said, squeezing her hand and looking into her eyes reassuringly. "I'm here."

But Ellen had just looked right through her, as she had time and time again for Lilly's entire life, and Lilly had dropped Ellen's hand and busied herself with digging in her mother's purse for her insurance card, not wanting to meet the eyes of the paramedic who stood at attention near Ellen's head. She didn't want to read the sympathetic look she knew would be on his face, the look she'd seen countless times before and would no doubt see countless times again. She wasn't a victim, dammit. She was nobody's charity case. She'd handled this herself since she was six, and she could handle it again now, thank you very much.

As Lilly sat by Ellen's bed, watching her sleep, she remembered doing the exact same thing countless times as a child. Back then, she thought her mom was just sick a lot, and the clear glass bottle with the stuff that looked like water in it was her "medicine." That's what Ellen told her, anyway, and Lilly hadn't yet learned the value of never trusting anyone to tell her the truth. And it made some sense, some of the time, anyway. When she had that bottle, everything was fine, at least some of the time. Ellen was fun, goofy even, full of smiles and whimsical notions and mischief. It was a balancing act, though. Too much, and she'd fall asleep and be dead to the world for hours, leaving Lilly to fend for herself and take care of Chris. Not enough, and she'd be prone to fits of rage, leaving no stone unturned in an effort to find more. Though it didn't take long for her to see through Ellen's lies, Lilly resigned herself to making sure her mother always had a steady supply. It wasn't what she wanted, wasn't even close to the right thing, at least, not to her mind, but she didn't have a choice. It was a matter of self-preservation, especially after her attack. Maybe the vodka was Ellen's true love, but if Lilly kept the supply steady, kept cleaning up her mother's messes, there was a chance she might earn a spot at number two.

The only time Ellen would stop drinking was when she found a new man. Lilly remembered countless times watching her mother dress for a date, the vodka bottle stashed neatly under the bathroom sink, almost forgotten as Ellen whirled around the room, waxing poetic about the man of the moment, assuring Lilly that this was the one, that he'd marry her and whisk them all off to a palace somewhere far, far away. "It'll be different this time," Ellen promised over and over with a girlish grin. "You'll see."

But it never was. Most of the time, Lilly never even met the guy, never knew anything about it except that, two weeks later, her mother would be in bed sobbing uncontrollably and reaching, once again, for her bottle of vodka.

"It's because I have kids," Ellen had slurred one time while Lilly tucked her into bed. "Nobody wants a woman with kids."

But, apparently, some men didn't mind. Ellen got married again, twice, but Lilly never took to either of her stepfathers. The first one was a total deadbeat, forever parked on the couch drinking beer and seeming only dimly aware of Lilly and Christina, or even Ellen, for that matter. Lilly never saw him go to work, never saw him do anything except sit on the sofa, watching TV and expecting Ellen to wait on him hand and foot. That marriage hadn't lasted too long, and within a couple of years, he'd bailed, never to be heard from again.

The second one, Lilly hadn't trusted from the start. Oh, he'd seemed nice enough, all slicked-back hair and toothy grin, showing up with flowers every time he took Ellen out to dinner, but for some reason, Lilly had known he was a bad idea from the moment she met him. She wasn't sure which of them would wind up on the short end of the stick, but she innately knew that someone would.

In the end, it was Ellen. Things had started out innocently enough, a few fights here and there, but never anything too worrisome until the day Lilly had been doing her homework in her room and she'd heard the yelling escalate, followed by the shattering of dishes, more yelling…and then the sickening thud of fist on flesh, followed by Ellen's scream.

That was _it. _The bastard had hit her mother, and Lilly wouldn't stand for it. Without heed to her own safety, she'd charged downstairs and stepped between Ellen and Rob, informing her stepfather in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't be tolerated. Ellen had pleaded with her to stop, that he didn't mean it, that she'd asked for it, she'd provoked him, but Rob had merely rolled his eyes and walked out, muttering something under his breath about how he didn't need this crap.

That was when things had started to take a turn for the worse…well, even worse than they were already. Against her better judgment, Lilly had hoped her mother might potentially be grateful to her for saving her from harm, but instead, Ellen launched into a tearful tirade about how Lilly had destroyed her last shot at love, her final chance at happiness, that Lilly wouldn't be happy unless everyone was alone and miserable like she was. Shocked and hurt by her mother's lack of gratitude, Lilly had shot back that she wasn't alone; she and Ray had been going out for six months, and she was happy, not that Ellen had bothered to notice.

"Well," Ellen had scoffed, grabbing the vodka bottle and heading for her bedroom, "then I guess I'm just not good enough for you, am I?" Without another word, she'd slammed the door and wasn't seen or heard from again for two days.

The shrill chirp of Lilly's cell phone interrupted her memories, and she hastily grabbed for it and flipped it open, grateful for the distraction.

"Rush," she answered without thinking.

"Lil," the velvety voice of her partner responded. "It's me."

Jeffries. Thank God. Work. Something to think about besides her mother, her childhood, and all the crap related to both that always picked the worst possible time to resurface. As predicted, her wonderful, ever-professional partner launched into a discussion about the case, and Lilly was eternally grateful.

After a few moments, Jeffries sounded like he was about to hang up, but he hesitated, then finally asked the question Lilly knew he'd been dying to ask since her phone had rung that afternoon.

"Everything okay, Lil?" he asked kindly.

It was the tone of his voice that did it; that warm, caring expression that said that he wasn't interested in judging or pressing, that he wouldn't take her problems on himself or feel sorry for her or do anything of the sort. He was merely concerned about her. That gentle concern was what convinced Lilly that perhaps it would be okay to share, at least a little bit, with Jeffries.

"It's my mother," she said flatly. "She's…sick. In the hospital. They're running some tests." She couldn't go into any more detail than that, not with her partner, not with someone from work. Couldn't let them see the mess behind her mask, the mess she tried so hard to hide from everyone but which seemed bound and determined to ooze out at every turn.

Jeffries didn't need to press for details. He knew the nature of the sickness, or, at least, was pretty sure he could guess. He knew Lilly Rush well enough to be able to read between the lines, to know what she wasn't telling him…and he also knew exactly what she needed to do.

He paused, and Lilly could sense her partner's hesitation on the other end of the line.

"You, uh…you called Scotty yet?" he finally asked her.

_Scotty. _The name was like a bolt of lightning. Lilly hadn't even given her boyfriend so much as a thought since her phone had stopped ringing incessantly that afternoon, and she was somewhat shocked that he hadn't sprung to mind.

"No," she replied, still dazed.

"Might not hurt to clue him in," Jeffries continued, his voice light and casual. "He loves you, y'know."

"I know," Lilly agreed softly.

With that, Jeffries decided to drop it. He was pretty sure Scotty's phone wouldn't be ringing anytime soon, but he'd done what he could. He'd planted a seed, and he hoped that, at some point during the long night at the hospital, Lilly would give his words some consideration.

"Let me know if you need anything. Don't care what time it is, just call," he told her quietly. Jeffries knew his instructions would fall on deaf ears; he knew Lilly Rush well enough to know that it would be a cold day in Hell before she ever admitted, to him or anyone else, that she needed anything, but he at least needed to make her aware of her options.

"Thanks," he heard her reply, and then the line went dead.

After hanging up, Lilly sat in the chair turning her phone over and over in her hands for several minutes. She was shocked that Scotty hadn't crossed her mind since the phone call from her mother's super, but she realized, after a moment's consideration, that perhaps she shouldn't have been. Scotty, as much as he'd woven his way into her life…had never been a part of _this_ part of her life. She'd been cleaning up her mother's messes on her own for over thirty years, and she liked to think she'd gotten pretty good at it. Besides, she and Scotty had just recovered from what she'd told him about her attack, and, truth be told, she was a little worried about upsetting him again this soon. She knew what he'd do if he knew what was going on; he'd either drive himself crazy worrying about her, or he'd abandon Miller in Baltimore and run back to Philly, leaving the squad even more short-handed than it already was, and she couldn't let that happen. Besides, she didn't even know what the hell was going on, as the doctors still weren't back with those test results. For all she knew, they could send Ellen home in mere moments, and there'd be nothing more to worry about. Squaring her shoulders in resignation, Lilly decided not to breathe a word of this to Scotty until she knew more.

She flipped open her phone and started to dial, then realized, in a flash, that she couldn't call him. As much as she wanted to hear his voice, to hear him telling her he loved her and he missed her, she couldn't. He'd hear in her tone that something was wrong, and he'd press her about it until she cracked. And she couldn't crack. Not here. Not now.

Decision made, Lilly pressed the "End" button and decided instead to send him a text message.

* * *

The soft hum of some random radio station and the swish of passing cars were the only sounds as Scotty and Kat drove to Baltimore in a companionable silence.

"Y'know what I miss?" Scotty asked wistfully as he gazed out the car window at the night sky.

"If you say Lil, I swear to God I'm gonna---" Kat began, her voice low and threatening.

"Cheese steaks, Miller," Scotty interrupted, smirking in satisfaction at the way his partner's rage balloon was popped with two little words.

"Cheese steaks?" she repeated blankly, glancing at him in confusion. "What the---? We left _yesterday."_

"And If I'da known we were goin' on some wild goose chase across the mid-Atlantic, I'da had about six of 'em before we left home," he retorted.

Kat stared at him in amazement. "Do you men really only think about food and sex?" she asked.

"I dunno," Scotty shot back with a grin. "Can't speak for all of us. Why don't you ask that boyfriend of yours about it, see what he has to say?"

Kat froze, fully aware that anything she said could, and, knowing Scotty, probably would, be used against her. And, knowing Vera, she also knew that she had very little evidence with which to dig herself out of the hole she suddenly found herself in.

"I'm pleadin' the fifth," she declared.

A triumphant smirk crossed Scotty's face, and he was about to reply when his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he fished it out just in time to see that gorgeous picture of Lilly adorning the screen. He didn't say a word, just grinned triumphantly in Kat's direction as he flipped his phone open.

"Looks like Lil's done bein' sick of me," he crowed.

Kat rolled her eyes. "That a phone call or a text message?" she asked, grudgingly grateful for the distraction. At this point, she wouldn't have minded another text-a-thon. Anything to keep Valens from asking questions.

"Text," Scotty replied.

"Then she's still sick of you," Kat concluded, and Scotty shot her a brief glare before returning his eyes to the phone phone and reading his girlfriend's message.

_Really tired, going to bed early. Love you_.

"Well?" Kat asked, as she saw her partner's fading smile.

"Says she's goin' to bed early," he replied, frowning in confusion. "Wonder if everything's okay."

"Maybe she's takin' advantage of the opportunity to go to bed and get some actual _sleep_ for once in her life," Kat retorted.

Scotty ignored his partner's latest pot shot at him. "She's supposed to _call _me before she goes to sleep," he pouted. "Why the hell didn't she call?"

Kat rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Maybe 'cause you're drivin' her nuts still. I know that's what you're doin' to me."

"But I haven't texted her in hours," Scotty protested. "She's gotta miss me at least a little bit by now."

"I'd be glad to get rid of your whiny ass," Kat retorted, shooting him a brief glare. "And besides, Lil told me to take your phone at gunpoint if I had to."

Scotty paused for a moment, blinking in surprise, then chuckled. "You're makin' that up, Miller. Almost had me believin' you, too."

"Wish I were that clever, Man Candy," Kat replied. "Wish I were that clever."

Scotty flipped his phone open. "I'm gonna call her," he announced.

"You're _not _gonna call her," Kat said firmly. "You're gonna send her _a _text message. One. Singular. Tellin' her you love her or whatever mushy crap you want, and then that's it."

Scotty glared at his partner, knowing he really didn't have much of a choice but to acquiesce. "Y'know, Miller," he began, busily typing out a message, "you're a real hardass. I kinda feel sorry for Veronica."

Kat's only response was a proud smirk.

* * *

It was morning before the doctor came back with Ellen's test results. Lilly hadn't slept for most of the night; she'd alternated pacing the floor, catching catnaps in the uncomfortable chair, and trying to come up with new theories about the case, replaying old cases in her mind, anything to avoid thinking about where she was, what she was doing, and what might happen. She'd done enough thinking about her childhood, so she found herself exploring any and all options other than that…

…except for thinking about Scotty. Normally, thinking about him could erase any and all unpleasant thoughts, just the memories of the look in his eyes, the touch of his hands, the way he'd pressed her up against the wall of that little-used room on the top floor and had his way with her, smothering her delighted screams with his kisses...but on this night, she couldn't allow her mind to go there, either. She'd almost forgotten he even existed until Jeffries gently reminded her, and she discovered that, although thinking about Scotty was somewhat out of the question, thinking about _why _she wasn't thinking about Scotty...well, she could think about that.

Somewhere along the line, as she stared out Ellen's window to the streets below, Lilly realized that she just didn't want Scotty to have to deal with this. This was her mess, dammit, something she'd been dealing with her entire life. If Lilly were painfully honest with herself, she'd be forced to admit that, well, she got a perverse sense of pride out of being the one who dealt with it. Christina sure as hell hadn't. All Chris had done was drink and party and sleep her way down a path that was almost identical to the one her mother was on, and as a result, Ellen and Christina had always been close. Lilly was the one who cleaned up both their messes, always and forever, trying desperately to be good enough to earn the kind of love Ellen showered on Chris...and she realized that night that she'd been so focused on that because if she concentrated on cleaning up their messes...she didn't have to think about her own.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Scotty with her mess, Lilly realized. Hell, he knew her deepest, darkest secret, and he still loved her. But Lilly was proud. She was proud that she'd raised herself and her sister from the age of six, proud that she'd overcome all these obstacles to become Detective Lilly Rush, the first woman in Homicide. Who the hell would she be if she let some guy waltz in and fight her battles for her? Telling Scotty about her attack was different; it had happened eons ago, there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it, no matter how much he wished there was. But this? This was happening now. This was a present and ongoing battle. If Scotty knew that, he'd insist on swooping in and saving the day. And that wasn't her style. That wasn't how she rolled. She fixed this herself, dammit. She didn't want the world to see how monumentally fucked-up her life was. Not even Scotty.

Her inner monologue was finally interrupted shortly after sunup by a doctor whose name escaped Lilly, a young, brash, cocky doctor who she knew they'd interviewed for a case a while back and who she clearly remembered didn't mince words.

"Your mom's in a coma," he announced without preamble. "It's the only chance she's got."

"The only chance of what?" Lilly asked, the blood draining from her face as she clung more tightly to Ellen's hand.

"Survival," the doctor announced grimly, closing the chart and fixing Lilly with a look in his brown eyes that told her without a doubt that he'd seen this before...up close and personal.

"It's late-stage cirrhosis," he continued, his voice softer, but no less direct. "Her liver's shot. She might come outta this, she might not. The coma's gonna give her body a chance to process the booze without all the withdrawal symptoms. But..." he trailed off, lost in a thicket of memories.

"But.." Lilly prodded, her heart thumping wildly against her chest. There was still something this doctor wasn't telling her.

"If she drinks again, she'll die," he announced bluntly. "We'll keep an eye on her; the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours will be critical." With one last concerned glance, he exited the room, leaving Lilly standing by her mother's bed, completely numb from the shock.

Her mother. Might die. Because of the booze.

The booze that, yet again, she'd chosen over her own daughter, even at the cost of her very life.

Lilly supposed she should be used to this by now, supposed that it had happened so many times that she should be numb to it, but as the shock of the diagnosis began to fade ever-so-slightly, the pain was still there, still underfoot, carefully hidden but fooling no one, ready to throb anew with each additional poke.

It was in that moment, as the pain and the panic began to engulf her, that Lilly realized that there was a small chance that maybe she could use some help with this one. Maybe Scotty knowing wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

But she couldn't call him yet. Couldn't call him while she was still sounding weak and helpless. If she did, she knew her boyfriend well enough to know that he'd drop whatever he was doing in Baltimore and beg, borrow, or steal a ride back to Philly, knock down doors and windows and walls if he had to, just to be by her side. And she couldn't let him do that. She couldn't be the damsel in distress to his Superman. She had to let him know what was going on; he was the love of her life, he cared deeply about her, so he deserved at least that much. But she couldn't call him until she was sure she had things under control. She wasn't going to ask him for help, dammit. She just wanted to let him in enough to know what was going on.

She sank back down into the chair, pulling her phone out of her pocket and staring at it, willing herself to calm down enough to place that call.

* * *

"So how are you with directions?" Scotty asked Kat as they headed for the car late that morning, Scotty tossing the keys to himself as he went.

"Directions?" Kat repeated blankly.

"Yeah, like…'turn right at the next traffic light' insteada readin' a map," he explained with a lopsided grin.

Kat rolled her eyes. "I'm great with directions," she replied.

"Good," Scotty responded, thrusting a scribble-covered sheet of paper at her. "Then I'm drivin'."

"You never quit, do you?" Kat asked, amusement turning up the corners of her mouth as she scanned the paper, trying to read her partner's handwriting.

"Nope," Scotty replied cheerfully as he slid into the driver's seat.

A few minutes later, they were driving down a busy main street in Baltimore, Kat's eyes glued to the directions, flitting up only to check for landmarks to make sure they were where they were supposed to be. Suddenly, however, Scotty stepped hard on the brakes, causing them to squeal in protest as he whipped the car to the left, and, from the irritated honks Kat could hear, pissing off at least four other drivers in the process. She stared at her partner, open-mouthed, as he pulled into a restaurant parking lot and grinned up at the establishment's sign with glee.

"What the hell is this?" she demanded. "We ain't even halfway there yet!"

"You hungry, Miller?" he asked, turning his grin on her. "It's almost noon."

"I could eat," she replied.

"Well, look no further, my friend. Baltimore has cheese steaks!" he announced triumphantly, indicating the restaurant with a hand.

Kat stared in disbelief. The sign did proclaim cheese steaks, all right, and the picture clearly illustrated such, but there was something amiss, something almost sinister, that made her instantly wary.

"No way in hell, Man Candy," she announced. "It's a trap."

"Aw, c'mon, Kat," he protested. "Look, it's even called Gino's!"

That was it. That was what had been bugging her about the place ever since they pulled into the parking lot.

"Exactly," she replied. "Gino's. With an I. Not an E like Geno's in Philly. I'm tellin' you, Valens, you're just settin' yourself up for a huge disappointment."

Undeterred, Scotty rolled down the windows. "Smell that," he ordered. "It's cheese steak. In Baltimore. "

"I still ain't trustin' it," Kat declared as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Well, this is where I'm grabbin' lunch," Scotty insisted, opening the car door. "You wanna eat or not?"

Kat sighed, and, against her better judgment, gave in. "Fine," she acquiesced. "Gimme a heart attack special. Maybe the grease'll cover up how bad it sucks."

Scotty grinned. "You're gonna be glad I stopped here," he declared, getting out of the car and slamming the door. "It's cheese steak. There's no way it can suck."

"You go right on thinkin' that," she called after him as he headed eagerly through the glass double doors.

A few moments later, a beaming Scotty returned with two piping hot sandwiches, one of which he handed to Kat, who regarded it with intense distrust.

"You first," she declared after a pause. "These things are poisoned, I want you to be the one sufferin' for it."

"Fine," he agreed, not even bothering to glance up as he unwrapped his sandwich, sending a cloud of steam into the air. He sighed happily and lifted the cheese steak to his lips, his eyes gleaming, Kat couldn't help but notice, the same way they did whenever he looked at Lilly.

"Come to Papa," he encouraged the sandwich, then took a huge bite. Kat watched, her eyes twinkling with amusement, as the expression on his face changed from one of eager delight to one of stunned confusion, then one of utter disgust as he struggled to swallow the first bite and lowered the sandwich, frowning at it in utter mystification.

"What the hell?" he demanded of his lunch.

Kat suppressed a triumphant chortle. "I _told _you," she couldn't resist gloating.

"This ain't cheese steak," Scotty declared, still studying the sandwich as though it would answer his burning questions. "I dunno what the hell it is, but it ain't cheese steak. It's---"

"Crap?" Kat supplied.

"Exactly that," Scotty agreed. "This is an _outrage_. They shouldn't be allowed to call this cheese steak. This is false advertisin'."

"I _told _you you can't trust a cheese steak outside Philly," Kat reminded him, but her partner ignored her.

"Well, I sure as hell ain't eatin' whatever this is," he declared, rewrapping the sandwich and tossing it into the trash can outside the window. "We're goin' somewhere else for lunch."

"Fine," Kat agreed. "Your ass is buyin'."

"You knew all along, didn't you?" he realized, finally meeting his partner's eyes as he tossed her sandwich into the same receptacle.

"I got detective's instincts, Man Candy," she bragged with a grin. "Someday you'll learn to trust 'em."

"These the same instincts that took us to the Git 'N Scram?" he asked with a mischievous glance at Kat. At her glare, he burst out laughing. He simply couldn't help it. Kat was sitting there fuming, trying to come up with a retort, when Scotty felt his phone vibrate against his belt. Not bothering to check the caller ID, he flipped the phone open and raised it to his ear.

"Valens," he answered as professionally as he could, trying to suppress his laughter.

"Scotty," Lilly said, and Scotty's laughter died on his lips. Something about her tone told him that all wasn't well. Something clearly wasn't right. His mind raced with possibilities, from she'd been in an accident to she'd been shot to…

"Lil?" he asked, his voice tight with panic, and Kat glanced over at him with concern, noticing the color instantly draining from his face. "What's wrong?"

Lilly took a deep breath. "It's…my mother," she said softly.

Scotty felt a flood of relief that, whatever was wrong with Lilly's mom, at least Lilly herself was apparently still in one piece. He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, but his relief was short-lived, quickly replaced by self-recrimination. Something had happened. Something bad. And he hadn't been there for Lilly. He'd promised never to leave her, he'd promised her that her cry for help would never go unanswered, and yet, there she was, all alone in Philly dealing with whatever the hell had happened without anyone to help her…

"Scotty?" Lilly broke through his reverie.

"Yeah," he replied, startled. "I'm here." _And I'd give my right arm to be there with you._

"Thought my phone cut out for a second," she said, with a slight, nervous chuckle, grateful for the momentary distraction.

"I'm in the hospital… she continued. They say you're not supposed to use cell phones in here, but…" _But I needed to talk to you, Scotty. I needed to let you know what happened. I needed to hear your voice. I don't want you to do something stupid and race home…I just needed the sound of your voice._

"What's wrong with your mom?" Scotty asked, heart racing.

Lilly sighed and glanced around nervously, annoyed that the hallways were suddenly crowded with nurses, but she mentally kicked herself, knowing that none of them had room on their plate for listening in on a phone conversation by a lone blonde standing at the end of the hallway.

"It's…" she began.

"You can tell me, Lil," Scotty reassured her. "Nothin' with your mom's gonna change a thing between us…you know that, right?"

Lilly didn't answer, but Scotty could sense her nodding her head in agreement, and he knew without even having to give the idea much thought that the look in her blue eyes, although still radiating with sadness and a bit of worry, would now have just the tiniest hint of peace reflected in their depths.

"My mom's…an alcoholic, Scotty," she explained unnecessarily.

"I know," Scotty answered slowly.

"She's…she's drinking herself to death," Lilly finally told him, her voice, despite her best efforts to keep it cool and professional, wavering slightly as she told him what had happened. "Her super called me and said he hadn't seen her in a week, and she was three weeks late on the rent. She wasn't answering her door…so we went in…she was passed out on the floor…barely had a pulse…" Lilly trailed off, instantly hating herself for letting him see even that little bit of weakness. She could handle this, dammit.

Scotty's heart leaped into his throat. "Oh, no, Lil," he replied, hating himself that she'd had to do that alone. If he'd been there, he'd have gone with her, he'd have been there when she found her mom, he'd have helped…

"Scotty," Lilly said sharply, instantly sensing where his thoughts had gone, and grateful for the opportunity to focus on him for the moment instead of herself. "There's nothing you could have done."

"I know," Scotty answered. "I just…hate that you had to do that alone."

"It's okay," Lilly replied, with a touch of sad irony in her voice. "It's not the first time. But…if the doctors are right…it might be the last."

"Lil?" Scotty asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"They put her in a coma," Lilly informed him after a pause. "They're hoping that'll give her liver a chance to recover a little bit…they said it's late-stage cirrhosis…and when she wakes up…_if _she wakes up, I have to tell her that if she drinks again, even once, she'll die. Her liver won't be able to take it anymore."

"Oh, Lil," Scotty breathed, and Kat glanced over at him once more to see him rake a hand through his hair, then rest it on his lap. She couldn't hear Lilly's end of the conversation, but she saw every ounce of her pain reflected in the depths of Scotty's eyes, which he turned toward her then in an expression of utter helplessness. Kat smiled at him compassionately, then reached out a hand, which he took as though it were a lifeline. She squeezed it, hoping to somehow transfer some of her calm strength to the man in the driver's seat who looked as though he might break at any moment.

Scotty took a deep breath, and Kat could see that, miraculously enough, her simple, instinctive gesture seemed to be working. He made no effort to remove his hand from her gentle grip, and she would leave it there as long as he needed her to.

"Do you want me there?" Scotty asked. He didn't know if Lilly would give him an honest answer or not, but he thought it wouldn't hurt to try. "'Cause…I can hop on the next train back to Philly…Miller can handle the rest of this trip." He shot his partner a hasty glance, hoping she wouldn't kick his ass for volunteering her time without her consent, but she just smiled and nodded.

Did she? She hadn't thought she did, but talking to him on the phone, hearing his voice, hearing the love and concern flowing through made her admit that a very small part of her, that small part that was still wounded and weak, really _did _want him there, really did want him to come save the day, and that part spoke up before she could silence it.

"Yes," Lilly admitted reluctantly, and that single syllable warmed Scotty's heart more than he thought possible, but also sent a stabbing pang of guilt into the center of his chest. She wanted him there. She was actually admitting, out loud, to him, that she wanted his help, and he wasn't there. Granted, he could be there in a matter of hours, but he wasn't there now. And she wanted him. She. Wanted…

"But," she continued, before Scotty could answer, "what I really need you to do is solve this case."

"But, Lil---" Scotty started to protest.

"Look," Lilly said, her voice suddenly businesslike. "I can't work on the case right now, because I have to be here for my mom, and you need to do this for me. You need to give this family the justice they've waited for for twenty-five years. I hate not being able to give it to them myself, but I'm stuck here. So you need to be there."

Scotty opened his mouth to argue, to point out that what Lilly really needed was for him to somehow beam himself back to Philadelphia, wrap her in his arms, kiss her pain away, and whisk her off to a desert island, where none of the crap from their past could come back to bite them in the ass ever again, and they could just spend the rest of their days soaking up the sun and basking in each other's love…

"Scotty," Lilly said, interrupting his reverie yet again.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I need you to do this for me," she repeated. "I need you to solve this case."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" he asked her.

Lilly paused as the small, weak part of herself that had suddenly demanded voice rose up once more. _No, _it insisted. _That isn't what you want. What you want is for him to be here and take you in his arms and fix this._

But what she _needed_, her pride insisted, was for him to let her clean up this mess by herself the way she'd done for so many years. She needed him to focus his attention on the case, to give the Hillman family the closure and peace that Lilly herself knew she could never have with her own family.

"I need you to do this," she repeated, hoping that Scotty would get the message.

"Okay," he replied reluctantly still unconvinced. "If that's what you really want…"

"Look, I gotta go," Lilly replied. "The doctor's heading toward Mom's room. Go get that bastard, Scotty."

"I love you, Lil," he answered.

She paused. "I love you, too…and Scotty…thanks," she added simply. "I…needed to hear your voice."

Scotty couldn't help but smile. "Phone's always on, _querida_," he reminded her.

Lilly smiled, and she knew Scotty could sense it even over the phone.

"I know," she replied, then ended the call, stashed her phone in her pocket, squared her shoulders, and headed down the hallway for the latest grim pronouncement of her mother's prognosis.

Back in Baltimore, Scotty flipped his phone closed and sighed. "Lil's mom's in the hospital…late-stage cirrhosis," he said by way of explanation.

"Dammit," Kat replied, compassion coloring every ounce of the simple exclamation. She glanced over at her partner, who was still clinging to her hand for dear life.

"Lemme guess: she wants you to stay here in Baltimore and solve the case, 'cause she's stuck in the hospital with her mom," Kat surmised.

Scotty nodded.

"And that's the last thing you wanna do," Kat continued. Another nod.

Kat sighed and looked over at Scotty compassionately. "You think that if somethin' happens to her mom while you're gone, you'll have failed the woman you love," she guessed.

Scotty looked at his partner in surprise. He knew she was terrifyingly perceptive, and he also knew he should be used to it by now, but damned if she didn't catch him off guard every single time.

"I already have, Kat," he replied simply. "The super called Lil 'cause he hadn't seen her mom for a week, and she went over there and found her passed out on the floor. She had to deal with that alone. If I'da been there…"

"It still would have happened," Kat reminded him sharply. "You couldn't have done anything to stop it. Lil's been dealin' with this crap on her own her whole life, and if Ellen Rush is determined to drink herself to death, then there ain't a damn thing you can do about it."

The touch of bitterness in Kat's voice gave Scotty pause, and he glanced at her once more in surprise.

Kat kept her gaze locked on a nearby tree, but he noticed that the pressure from her hand on his had increased slightly.

"My dad did the same thing," she offered quietly, without preamble or elaboration. "I was twelve."

Scotty stared at her, eyes and mouth agape in shock. He'd never, ever known this about Kat Miller, and he doubted anyone else in the squad did, either. No, scratch that. He _knew _that no one else in the squad knew. This wasn't the sort of information Kat would want posted on a bulletin board, and he swore himself to secrecy. He squeezed her hand in a wordless gesture of support, and she glanced at him in gratitude.

"I'm…sorry," he said helplessly.

Kat nodded, then continued. "I survived, and so will Lil, if the same thing happens to her. She's tough, tougher than anybody I know. And she's got the love and support of…well…_you_," she said almost dismissively, with a shrug and a grin.

"Thanks…I think," Scotty replied, returning her smile, however slightly.

Scotty squeezed Kat's hand once more, paused momentarily, took a couple of deep breaths, then removed his hand, trying to switch over into Detective Mode. If that was what Lilly wanted, then that's what she'd get from him.

"Okay, then," he announced, his face full of determination. "Then let's go find this son of a bitch."

"That's the spirit, Man Candy," Kat said with gentle humor.


	33. Waiting on the World to Change

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, except for the receptionist and the drunk.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Waiting On The World To Change**

_It's hard to beat the system  
When we're standing at a distance  
So we keep waiting  
Waiting on the world to change _

As the sun sank below the horizon, Scotty sat in the driver's seat, impatiently drumming his fingertips against the steering wheel and scanning the street for what seemed like the millionth time. He wasn't quite sure how long they'd been parked in front of the clinic, doing nothing but sitting, waiting for any sort of update from Lilly on her mother's condition, waiting for their person of interest to emerge, waiting for further instructions from Philly, just…sitting and waiting. It felt like he and Kat had been there for days, weeks even, but Scotty knew it had only been a matter of hours. For a while, he'd glanced at his watch every ten minutes or so, sighing in frustration every time he saw concrete evidence of just how much time they'd wasted just sitting, when there was so much he needed to be _doing_.

Sitting. His whole life, he'd hated sitting. Hated it with a passion in school, which was probably why he'd graduated by only the slimmest of margins. Spending eight hours a day crammed into a tiny desk struggling to keep his mind from wandering while nuns droned on about things that he, on the best of days, cared about only slightly more than Elisa's ongoing obsession with all things Mariah Carey, was not his idea of a good way to spend his time. He had sports, he had Elisa, he had hanging out in the garage with his uncle learning everything there was to know about cars, and school just got in the way of all of those things.

Somehow, some way, he graduated, though he was never entirely sure whether it was because he passed all his courses or because he pissed off the nuns so much that they couldn't stand the thought of another year of him. Whatever the reason, he narrowly escaped the confines of high school, and then, after a halfhearted couple years of college, it was off to police academy. Thrilled to have finally found his calling, he nonetheless grew bored and disillusioned when his first assignment involved sitting alone in a patrol car with a radar gun and a stack of tickets. How the hell was he supposed to save the world when that was all they'd let him do?

A couple years later, however, he moved to West, one of the busiest precincts and home of some major drug busts. After a few weeks spent proving his mettle by faithfully chasing after pot heads and meth dealers, he heard buzz that they were looking for someone to go undercover on the Cortez job, and Scotty was ironclad in his determination to be that someone. Here was his chance to quit sitting around and waiting for something to happen and actually go on the offensive, to perhaps stop something horrible from happening instead of just doing damage control after it already had. Scotty smiled ruefully as he remembered just how insufferably obnoxious he must have been, bugging Manny Fernandez at least six times a day to let him go undercover. He knew he was young and inexperienced, but, dammit, he could play the part better than anyone else in the precinct, and he was more passionate about this job than any that had crossed his desk since his arrival. He pleaded his case repeatedly, but it was only when, in a bit of desperate audacity, he showed up for work one day clad in a pair of ratty jeans and a black leather jacket, his hair spiked and his face unshaven, that Manny finally, with an exasperated sigh and a "you better as hell not screw this up" lecture to rival any he'd gotten from his mother, had acquiesced and sent Scotty out onto the streets.

The bust was successful, but Scotty knew he'd done exactly what Manny had warned him not to do, and after his assignment was over, he'd worked his ass off proving his worth all over again, though whether it was for Manny or for himself he was never sure. In the process, however, he'd become one of the top detectives at West, the go-to guy for a number of jobs. Finally, he felt like he was making a difference in the world, doing some actual good. He barely saw the inside of the building except to interrogate a suspect, and he never, ever sat around wasting time. At least, not at work. But that was when Elisa started to get sick, and the more powerful and in control and on top of things he felt on the job, the less in control and on top of things he felt at home. Life as he knew it was slipping through his fingers like grains of sand, and all he could do was sit and wait and hope the doctors would be right, this combination of meds would work, and everything would go back to normal…which it never did…

And here he was now, struggling not to be overwhelmed by the feelings of impatience and helplessness that had plagued him his entire life, trying unsuccessfully to not obsess over Lilly and the pain she was in that he couldn't do a damn thing about…and sitting and waiting to talk to Dr. Ted Smith. Hell, he and Kat weren't even sure it was the _right_ Ted Smith. Absent any guidance from home, they'd done as much research as they could on their own and located three Dr. Ted Smiths in the Baltimore area, all of whom were of similar age, all of whom were in family practice…and all of whom had been at the convention in Philadelphia in 1983. At a complete loss, Scotty and Kat had exchanged a helpless glance and, in a fit of impatience, picked one physician more or less at random while they waited for Vera, Jeffries, and Stillman to shed some light on the subject back in Philly. Of course, they were forced to wait on that, too, because with the two of them in Baltimore and Lilly out of commission, the squad suddenly found itself cut in half, so things took twice as long.

Eventually, Kat had let Scotty know by way of a near-lethal glare that she was sick and tired of him looking at his watch every ten minutes, and he figured he owed his partner that much, so he used every ounce of his willpower to obey her unspoken directive. He was actually sort of grateful for it; it gave him something to do, something to focus on instead of Lilly, and how much he ached to be with her, and how indescribably frustrating it was to be stuck in Baltimore, sitting and waiting, when she needed him, no matter how much she argued to the contrary. He knew her better than that. She might not admit that she needed him, but there was no way in hell that she didn't. He had to take her word for it, though, had to force himself to believe that she was fine, even though he knew there was no way that was true. He could tell that just from the look on his partner's face.

Ever since they'd arrived outside the clinic and been forced to sit, with nothing to do except wait and think and hope for a phone call from Philly giving them something to do, Kat had sat silently, not having spoken a word since they stopped the car, but the myriad expressions that flitted across her face…well, Scotty didn't have to be an ace detective to figure out what she was thinking about. Occasionally, her jaw would clench and her lips would tighten, and he knew she was fighting back anger at the choice her father made, other times, her face was blank, as though she'd managed to win the battle against her memories, at least for a time, and then, almost without warning, he could see in her eyes the heartbreak of a twelve-year-old suddenly forced to grow up without a dad. And if Kat Miller, over two decades removed from that experience, was still struggling with it to this degree…how much more affected must Lilly be, going through it now?

In one of his more irrational moments, Scotty briefly considered extending an invitation to his partner to talk about it, but, almost as if she could read his thoughts, she shot him a glare that made him think better of it, and so he'd settled for drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, refusing to look at his watch, and silently cursing the situation and how infuriatingly impotent it was making him feel.

The hours stretched on, almost interminably, and with each passing moment, the tension in the car grew thicker and thicker. Scotty knew he and Miller weren't angry with each other, but they were both so furious at the situation and the fact that they had no choice but to sit and do nothing, that there were two hugely important situations that demanded their attention and they were powerless to do anything about either one of them, that their anger permeated the car, enveloping it in a thick, dark cloud.

Finally, Scotty reached the end of his rope. It had been almost six hours since he'd heard from Lilly, and he figured he'd given her enough time and space that he wouldn't be bugging her if he called again. His partner, however…that was another matter altogether. He weighed his options for a moment, deciding whether the risk pulling out his phone and calling Lilly posed to his person would be worth it.

_The hell with it, _he decided in a moment of brash impulsiveness. _She's little. You can take her._

"I'm callin' Lil," he announced in a tone that he hoped was defiant enough to cover up the fact that he felt like he was walking on eggshells, but, to his surprise, Kat didn't even blink.

"Fine," she said coolly, her voice rusty from lack of use, and Scotty hastily dialed the number, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth.

* * *

The slow, steady beep of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room as Lilly continued her silent vigil by her mother's bedside. She wasn't sure how many hours had passed; all she knew was that it was nearly dark. The sun had sunk out of sight behind a neighboring building, and its last rays disappeared from view as a helicopter landed on the roof. Lilly could see ant-sized doctors and nurses rushing to aid whoever was inside, and she idly wondered whether that person's loved ones were going through the same things she was.

Probably not, she decided. Most people with sick or injured loved ones weren't wrestling with anger, bitterness, even hatred…all the things Lilly was feeling at the moment. Because most of those sick injured people hadn't spent decades doing it to themselves.

Jeffries had called her a few times to keep her updated on the case, but all that had done was made her resent the situation all the more. She should be there with them, dammit, helping solve the case. With her out of commission, and Scotty and Kat on the road, the others were working insane hours trying desperately to play catch-up, and she could tell from Jeffries' voice that it was taking its toll. Oh, he wouldn't ever admit it, wouldn't add to her load, but she could read between the lines. Working shorthanded wasn't going quite as well as they would have liked.

But, Lilly realized, if her mother actually died, and she was at work when it happened…she'd never forgive herself. Ever. Work was her salvation, it was her refuge, but it was also a bone of contention between herself and Ellen, and Lilly's desire to be the dutiful daughter and earn her mother's love won out over her desire to leave Ellen to lie in the bed she'd spent thirty years making, consequences be what they may.

Her phone rang then, and Lilly answered it without glancing at the caller ID, figuring it would be Jeffries again. To her pleasant surprise, though, it was a different voice that came over the line.

"Hola, _querida,_" she heard Scotty say. He was trying to keep his tone light, but she could hear the strain in his voice as well. Dammit. He was worrying. She couldn't let that happen.

"Hey," she replied as casually as she could, realizing, with a sense of gratitude, that she wasn't forcing the smile that crept across her face. Even in the worst of circumstances, just the sound of Scotty's voice could make her smile.

"How's it goin' down there?" she asked, leaning back in the chair and relishing the opportunity to think about something other than her mother.

"Crappy," Scotty replied honestly. "All we're doin' is just sittin' and waitin' on this Ted Smith guy, and we don't even know if we got the right one."

Lilly chuckled. She knew how much Scotty hated sitting. He'd complained about it his first day as her partner, reminiscing fondly about the nonstop action from his days at West and wondering aloud how many of these cold jobs he'd have to work in order to earn his way out on the line.

"Wish I could help," she said honestly.

"No kiddin'," Scotty replied. "If you were on this job, we'd already have a confession."

"I know," Lilly sighed, and Scotty instantly regretted his choice of words. He knew how much Lilly loved her job, and how much she hated being taken away from it for any reason, let alone one as horrible as this.

"What are you up to?" he asked tentatively.

"Same thing as you," Lilly replied, smiling wryly at the irony. "Sitting…waiting…doing nothing and wishing I could do something."

"Wish I could help," Scotty said, echoing her earlier words.

"I know," she replied with a wistful smile. "You are, though."

"I am?" he asked hopefully.

"Just talking to you…that helps," she said softly, and with that admission, that weaker part of herself, the part that had surfaced that morning when the doctor had delivered his prognosis, the part that desperately wanted Scotty there in the room wrapping her in his arms…that part suddenly grew stronger and more insistent as it fought through the layers of her professional veneer and demanded to be voiced.

"It does?" Scotty asked blankly, feeling slightly less helpless.

"Yeah," Lilly answered, her voice barely above a whisper. The emotions were beginning to surface; just talking to someone who loved her was causing her walls to crumble, causing her to lean on Scotty…and she couldn't. She couldn't fall apart now. He was there for her, but he wasn't _there, _and until he was, she had to remain strong, keep her walls up, keep her silent vigil by Ellen's bed, keep being who she'd been since she was a child.

"I---" she started to say, but the lump in her throat proved too great to speak around.

"Lil?" Scotty asked, his voice tightening with concern.

_I want you here. Screw Baltimore. Screw the case. I want you to fly home and wrap me in your arms and make all this go away, _her heart cried, but she knew she couldn't voice its plea. Scotty was there, she was here, and they both had a job to do.

Decision made, Lilly swallowed hard, retracted the tears that threatened to spill over, and called upon the strength that had been there for her her entire life.

"I gotta go," she said, casting a glance toward the door. "The doctor'll be in any minute." It wasn't entirely untrue. It had been three hours since she'd seen the man, so she was probably due for another visit from him, or whoever took his shift, or a nurse, or some other medical professional for whom she needed to hold it together, and she simply couldn't do that while Scotty was being so…Scotty.

"Okay," he replied uncertainly. "You sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," she insisted, then ended the call before she gave any more away. After hanging up, she sat there, staring at her phone, fixated on the photo that showed up on the tiny screen every time Scotty called her. It was from that summer when he'd taken some lost hours for them both and whisked her away to Atlantic City for the weekend, where they'd had the time of their lives just lying on the beach, splashing each other in the surf, and Lilly complaining good-naturedly as Scotty took what seemed to be an inordinate number of photos of her in her bikini. Finally, though, he'd abandoned the camera in favor of cooling off in the ocean, and she'd commandeered it, snapping a picture of which she was particularly proud, one of him emerging from the surf, running his hands through his hair, the sunlight gleaming off his deeply bronzed skin, kissed with just a hint of what she proclaimed a sunburn, though he vehemently disagreed. He'd seen her snapping photos of him and grinned proudly, then insisted on taking one of both of them, and this was the one she looked at now. His arm was around her waist, pulling her close, and she was resting her head on his shoulder, both of them smiling broadly, the joy and love clearly visible on their faces. It seemed so long ago, and Lilly kept looking at the picture, wishing with all her might that she could just be back there, in the warm sunshine, her toes digging into the sand, Scotty's arm around her, all their troubles miles away.

With the flood of memories, Lilly was chagrined to feel her weaker self surfacing like the waves of the ocean that day, crashing on her shore before retreating back into the sea. She hadn't realized just how happy she was with Scotty until she was forced to be without him.

_I need you, Scotty_, she said silently as she stared at the picture. _I can't do this on my own. I need you._

Despite her best efforts, a single tear slipped from beneath her eyelashes as she stared at the picture, and she let it flow unchecked down her cheek, while she looked at Scotty, basking in the love that shone from his face, mere seconds away from just calling him and telling him to forget the case, to come home, to take care of her…

"Ms. Rush?" the nurse's voice called from the door, and Lilly's walls rose up again as though they'd never been down. Hastily, she brushed the tear from her cheek, steadied herself, and composed her face, every inch the professional.

_You can do this on your own, Rush. You always have. _

* * *

Scotty sighed, the sound heavy with despair as he flipped his phone closed and slipped it back into its holster. He didn't say a word, didn't even glance in Kat's direction, and yet she knew from his expression that nothing had changed. No news was good news, as far as she was concerned. The longer Ellen held on, the better her odds. But what Kat couldn't get over was the look on Scotty's face. Helplessness. Complete and total helplessness, mixed with fury over the fact that there was nothing he could do, no way he could jump in and fix it, even though she knew there wasn't anything her partner wouldn't give to change that.

"She's gonna be fine, Scotty," Kat heard herself say, though she wasn't entirely sure where the words had come from. She certainly hadn't intended to talk to him, and definitely, _definitely _hadn't intended to open the door. She still wasn't certain what had gotten into her before, when she'd told him about her dad. She hadn't breathed a word of that to anyone…anyone except Vera, and she'd been extremely reluctant to tell even him.

Scotty chuckled, his laugh bitter and humorless. "_You _ain't fine," he pointed out. "Why the hell do you think Lil is?"

_How dare you assume I ain't fine? _She wanted to demand. _Do I look like I wanna talk about this? Did my tellin' you what happened suddenly give you license to play Dr. Phil and get me to tell you all my secret feelings? No way in hell. _

Fortunately, before she could give voice to her infuriated thoughts, her phone rang, and she didn't even bother to glance in Scotty's direction as she fished for it and checked the caller ID. Vera. _Thank God._

"Hey," she greeted him, trying hard to keep her tone as professional as possible. Any sign of sadness, and Vera would know something was wrong. But the relieved happiness that she felt springing forth at the mere sound of her fiance's voice? Scotty would pounce on that faster than she could blink.

Fortunately, Vera didn't seem to be in the mood to chat. "Found the murder weapon," he announced triumphantly. "Took me all damn day, but I found it. Registered to a Theodore Joseph Smith, who's now in family practice at…" he checked his notes, "Smith and Hertz, Family Physicians."

"Nick Vera, you are my favorite person _ever,_" she exclaimed, drawing a curious glance from Scotty. "We're sittin' outside there right now."

"Well, quit sittin' and go do somethin'," Vera ordered with a grin, knowing just how happy Kat would be at this directive. "Dr. Smith's got some explainin' to do."

Kat flipped her phone closed triumphantly and glanced at her partner to find him grinning at her, however wanly, and she knew, with a sinking heart, that he was fixated on her phone call in an effort to distract himself from his own drama.

"So why the hell is Nick Vera your favorite person ever?" he asked mischievously, as she'd known he would.

_How much time you got?_ Kat wanted to snap back, but she held her tongue. "He just gave us a reason to get our asses outta this car and go do some good for once," she declared, and Scotty's eyes lit up.

"You're tellin' me we actually picked the right Ted Smith?" he asked incredulously.

"Course we picked the right Ted Smith," Kat retorted with confidence. "At least, _I _picked the right Ted Smith. _You _wanted to go to the one on the other side of town."

"No way," Scotty disagreed. "That was you. You wanted to stay close to the hotel so you wouldn't get us lost. Again."

Kat rolled her eyes. "You wanna sit here and argue, or you wanna go in there and kick some doer ass so we can get the hell back to Philly?" she demanded.

"Good point," Scotty replied quickly, and climbed out of the car faster than she'd ever seen him.

* * *

"Goddammit," Jeffries muttered softly as the fax machine beeped and petulantly withdrew the sheet of paper containing Ted Smith's criminal record.

"Problems?" Vera asked cheerfully as he replaced the phone in its cradle.

"Damn fax machine," Jeffries replied, glaring in its direction. "I'm beginnin' to think this machine really does like Scotty better than the rest of us."

Vera rolled his eyes. "It's the Other Woman in his life. Sucker for Latin charm or whatever the hell's wrong with him. That's my theory, anyway."

Jeffries chuckled despite his frustration. "You got any idea how to make it talk to us?"

"Know any Spanish?" Vera retorted, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Not a word," Jeffries replied with a smile.

"Maybe it's time we learned," Vera admitted as he set down his mug and stepped up to the fax machine.

Just then, Stillman walked in. "We get those records in yet?" he asked.

"Workin' on it, Boss," Vera replied, in a tone he hoped reflected confidence and fax machine prowess.

"Might take a while," Jeffries said drily. "We're fresh outta Latin charm."

Stillman took one look at his detectives, noting the lingering frustration on Jeffries' face and the desperate attempt Vera was making to conceal his cluelessness, and he had to chuckle.

"We do have an instruction manual to this thing, y'know," he told them, digging in a file cabinet.

"Any of it in English?" Vera asked.

"One can only hope," Stillman muttered grimly as he set his coffee mug down on a nearby desk and started thumbing through the phone book sized manual. After a few moments, he found the page he was looking for, then strode to the fax machine and entered a code. Then, almost as an afterthought, he gave it an affectionate pat.

The fax machine, much to everyone's surprise, whirred to life and spat out the paper cheerfully, its previous drama forgotten.

Vera and Jeffries looked at Stillman in amazement. "Did the manual tell you to do that?" Jeffries asked.

"Nope," Stillman replied with a grin. "Just saw Scotty do it the first time he used it, and figured I'd try that. Nothin' else has worked."

Vera grinned. "Looks like the machine really _is _a woman."

Stillman and Jeffries chuckled in response as Vera scanned the criminal record, but his own grin faded as he saw the list of offenses. Nothing serious, no violent felonies, but a very disturbing pattern. After showing it to his colleagues, he took the record back.

"I gotta call Miller. Warn her what we're dealin' with," he declared, and the others nodded as he headed back to his desk.

* * *

"Whaddaya _mean_ he clocked out early?" Scotty demanded of the receptionist, trying unsuccessfully to disguise the fact that his last remaining nerve was dangerously frayed.

"Exactly what I said," the receptionist chirped in reply, flipping a lock of curly brown hair over her shoulder. She didn't bother to look up from her schedule book, didn't even seem to realize who she was dealing with. Hell, she was treating him like just another patient.

"_When_ did he clock out?" Kat pressed, and the receptionist scrolled through the book.

"His last appointment was at 2:30," she said coolly. "Kid with chicken pox. You all had chicken pox?" she asked, looking up at them, amusement twinkling in her eyes.

Scotty sputtered in disbelief, while Kat took a deep breath and fixed the receptionist with what she hoped was the utmost in patience, despite the fact that she was dangerously close to snapping herself.

"Look...Nancy," she began with a tight smile after a glance down at the receptionist's name tag. "I've got a ten-year-old. My immune system's made outta titanium. Now, like we said before, we need to talk to Dr. Smith. Do you have any idea where he might be?"

Nancy gave them both a professional smile. "I'm afraid I can't release that information."

"We're Philadelphia goddamn Homicide," Scotty replied incredulously. "And we need his address. Now."

The totally unruffled Nancy merely glanced up at Scotty with another polite smile.

"I'm afraid we'll need to see a warrant. Dr. Smith takes his privacy very seriously," she informed Scotty.

Scotty cast a disbelieving glance at his partner. A warrant was the one thing they didn't have, and getting one could take hours, especially with a shorthanded squad.

Just then, Kat's phone rang, and she checked the caller ID, then shot Scotty a glare that told him, in no uncertain terms, that she had to remove herself from the situation momentarily, against her better judgment, and he better as hell not do anything stupid.

Retreating to a corner over by the fish tank, she flipped her phone open.

"We at least got our asses outta the car," she said by way of greeting.

"Well, that's good," Vera replied, though she could tell in an instant that the cheer in his voice was false. "You're makin' progress."

"Not much," she griped. "Jackass clocked out early, and the damn receptionist won't give us his address without a warrant."

"You may not need his address," Vera said slowly, and Kat grew instantly alarmed.

"What the hell are you tryin' to tell me?" she demanded.

"Look, Kat…" Vera began slowly.

"Spit it out, Fatass," she ordered, anger and sudden, unexplained panic coloring her voice.

"Got his criminal record," Vera continued. "Dude's got fourteen arrests for drunk and disorderly, three DUIs in two different states, and four separate stints in alcohol rehab."

Kat felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. All these things were familiar, too familiar, eerily, disturbingly familiar.

"I wanted you to hear it from me," Vera said softly. "You…okay?"

Kat sighed, shoving the disturbing memories under the rug. "Yeah," she replied tersely. "Now I know where to start lookin' for the bastard."

She flipped her phone closed, took a deep breath, and strode purposefully back to the desk, where the receptionist was still talking to an increasingly agitated Scotty.

"Sir, we try to keep a calm atmosphere for our patients. If you don't step back from this desk at once, I'll have to call Security," she informed him.

"_Security?_" Scotty scoffed in disbelief. "You're gonna call _Security_ on Philadelphia Homicide?"

"If you don't step back, yes," Nancy replied, her voice still calm, although containing a bit more of an authoritative edge.

Kat sighed in disgust as she grabbed her partner by the elbow. "There'll be no need," she seethed as she hauled him toward the exit. "We were just leavin'."

"Have a nice day!" Nancy called cheerfully after them.

Once outside, Scotty was nonplussed. "What the hell, Miller?" he demanded. "You drag me outta there like that, you're lettin' 'em win!"

"_Win?"_ Kat spat in disbelief. "This some kinda _contest _to you? Did it ever occur to you that I might have more important things to think about than your oversized ego? Did you ever think that I might know exactly where to find this jackass?"

That got Scotty's attention. "You know where to find him? We don't have to get a warrant for Miss Priss in there?"

Kat had to crack a smile despite herself. "Follow me," she ordered. Without a backward glance, she stormed off down the sidewalk, leaving a mystified Scotty standing on the sidewalk, staring cluelessly.

* * *

Sure enough, two blocks away, Kat found what she was looking for. Scotty was still totally befuddled, having no idea how a phone call from …whoever, he wasn't even sure who, had changed his partner's demeanor so drastically. She was walking, but her pace was so fast that Scotty had to jog to keep up with her. He knew better than to ask her about it, though. For the first time since they'd left Philly, she seemed to know exactly where she was going.

Suddenly, having found their destination, Kat halted abruptly, and Scotty actually went past her before he realized she'd stopped, so he found himself having to double back. He thought she was stopping so he could catch up, and thoroughly expected some snarky comment about how all that time on the treadmill he constantly bragged about sure wasn't doing his lazy ass any good if he couldn't even keep up with an ex-chain smoker, but to his shock, and disappointment, she did nothing of the sort. He found her standing there, staring at the door, taking deep breaths and seeming to steel herself for something. It was then, and only then, that he looked at the establishment itself, saw the flickering neon beer signs, and knew.

"Jackass has fourteen drunk and disorderlies and three DUIs," she informed him, still staring at the door, and with that, he understood. He recognized that look in her eyes as the one Lilly had had the day they had to go to the tavern in Philly and ran into her mother. The apprehension and compassion he'd felt that day returned in full force, his concern for Lilly back home mingling seamlessly with his concern for his partner in the here and now, this formidable woman who backed down from nothing, yet who stood at the door of the bar suddenly looking like a lost child.

"Miller?" he ventured, and the mere utterance of her name seemed to snap her into action.

"Let's go get this son of a bitch," she almost growled, pushing open the door of the bar with so much force that she nearly knocked it off its hinges, and once again, all Scotty could do was follow.

Kat stormed through the bar, grabbing random drunks by the back of the shirt and turning them so she could see their faces, comparing them all to the photo she clutched in her hand, and Scotty could only stare in disbelief as he followed her at what he hoped was a safe distance. Being rough with people was _his _thing. He'd never before been in a situation with Miller where he was the one in control and she was the one on the verge of losing it, and his professional instincts instantly crowded out his seething emotions. If he was going to have to be the one in charge, then so help him, he'd step up to the plate.

The fifth guy she approached matched the photo, and Scotty stood a few feet back and watched the scene unfold.

"Well, hey there, beautiful," Ted slurred, and Scotty could see instantly that the man was beyond wasted, and any interview they had with him now would be utterly useless. _Goddammit, _he swore as his heart sank to his shoes. More sitting. More waiting. More time away from Philadelphia.

"You got a name, or you want me to make one up for you?" Ted continued, his eyes roving greedily over Kat's body.

"Kat Miller, Philly Homicide, you worthless sack of crap," she hissed, flashing her badge with one hand while she maintained a firm hold on his collar with the other.

"Philly?" Ted replied, his hazy eyes lighting up. "I _love _Philly. _Damn _fine cheese steaks."

Kat gritted her teeth, and Scotty could see the inward battle playing out in front of him as clearly as he would if there were a wrestling match taking place right there in the bar. He took a cautious step forward, hand on his gun.

"Yeah?" she snarled. "You got any memory of enjoyin' one of them damn fine cheese steaks back in May of '83?"

"'_83?" _Ted repeated incredulously. "Hell, sweetheart, I don't even remember what I had for breakfast this mornin'."

"Figures," Kat snapped bitterly, releasing Ted's collar and practically shoving him back down onto the barstool.

"Corn flakes, maybe?" Ted wondered aloud. "Eggs? Nah, no time for eggs. Eggs take forever. Had to get the kids to school."

"Kids?" Kat repeated. "You got _kids?"_

It wasn't what she said, it was how she said it. For the first time since they'd entered that bar, Kat Miller's angry bravado gave way to something else, something dangerous, something almost vulnerable, and Scotty knew he had to step in. She might castrate him for it, but his capacity for standing and waiting had reached its end. He couldn't do a damn thing for Lilly, couldn't save her from what she was going through…but there was something here he could do something about.

In a single fluid motion, Scotty stepped neatly between Kat and Ted, gently pushing his partner to the side with a concerned glance. He expected a glare, he expected a fight, but what he sure as hell didn't expect to see reflected in her dark eyes was surrender. Submission. A hint of relief. A silent acknowledgement that he was right, and she needed to step back.

"Hey, Ted," he began, his voice smooth and jovial. "Those kids of yours found a ride home from school?"

"My wife…" Ted began, then trailed off. "She always picks 'em up…"

"Good," Scotty replied with a grin. "Then you're a free man."

"Free for what?" Ted asked, polishing off the last of his drink.

"Free to come back to Philly for a cheese steak on us," Scotty answered cheerfully, giving Ted a friendly pat on the back. "I've been missin' those cheese steaks ever since we got down here, and I sure as hell can't imagine goin' years without one."

"That sounds _great,_" Ted slurred enthusiastically, and Scotty helped their stumbling suspect to his feet and started to guide him toward the door. As Ted shrugged into his coat, Kat finally caught up with Scotty.

"What the hell are you doin'?" she hissed.

"Look," Scotty began patiently. "He's too smashed to even begin to help us out here. Anything he says now won't hold up in court for two seconds. You know that as well as I do. So we can either sit around on our asses some more, waitin' for this son of a bitch to sober up, or we can take him back to Philly and let him sober up in the car." _And get this damn case the hell over with so you can quit relivin' your nightmares and I can go be with Lil, _he added silently.

Kat took a deep breath, and as she let it out slowly, Scotty could see her returning to the utmost state of professionalism, all memories banished and her cop instinct taking over.

"Good thinkin', Man Candy," she said, and Scotty dared to give her just the hint of a proud smirk.

"Oh, you better as hell not be lettin' this go to your head," she snapped, and he dropped the smirk as they caught up to Ted.

"There you are," Ted beamed at his new best friends as he lurched toward the door. "I was beginnin' to think I made you all up. Ain't every day some wonderful stranger offers me a road trip and a cheese steak."

Kat smiled at him tightly as she took his elbow and steered him out of the bar and toward their car. "This is just the beginnin', jackass," she muttered.


	34. Hold On

**Disclaimer: Other than a nurse and a drunk, these characters aren't mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Hold On**

_So hold on  
Love will find you  
Hold on  
He's right behind you now  
Just turn around  
And love will find you_

Kat tossed Ted unceremoniously in the backseat of the car, slammed the door, then handed her startled partner the car keys.

"Here," she said, without fanfare or elaboration. "Figure you can get us back to Philly without a map."

Scotty was too dumbfounded to reply. Miller was handing over the car keys? _Voluntarily?_ He knew she was rattled by the encounter with their inebriated suspect, but her surrender of the keys with only the barest hint of a snide remark was a subtle signal of just how rattled she was.

"You okay?" he asked quietly as she made her way to the passenger side.

"Does it look like I'm okay?" she demanded, then slid into the car and yanked the door closed without waiting for a response.

Scotty sighed, then climbed in and started the engine, pulling away from the curb and pressing the gas pedal to the floor without so much as a hint of a backward glance at Baltimore. Every minute they were in the car, every mile they traveled, would bring them closer to a sober Ted, closer to a confession…closer to Lilly.

They were well outside the city limits before Scotty dared to look in his partner's direction, and he was relieved to see that Kat seemed to have calmed down somewhat. Her face was composed, and her eyes stared straight ahead. Her jaw was set with determination, but Scotty could tell that it was the same sort of determination that characterized her standard approach to the job, and barely a hint of anything else. Oh, there was something else there, no question about it, but it was skillfully concealed, and only someone who knew her well would be able to tell it was there.

Satisfied, Scotty glanced in the rear-view mirror to check on their suspect. They still weren't that close to Philly, but he hoped that perhaps they jump-start the conversation and get Ted talking. Not about anything important, of course, he still wasn't even close to sober enough for that, but Scotty hoped to build on the rapport they'd established in the bar. Just shoot the breeze, talk about sports, talk about cars, talk about anything, just get the bastard talking so he'd feel comfortable spilling his guts to them when the time came. Even if it didn't do any good, Scotty figured it'd at least make him feel like he was accomplishing something. And who knew? Maybe their time in the interview room would be shortened. Maybe they could get that confession that much sooner. Maybe…

But much to his chagrin, Scotty saw that Ted was slumped against the window, his mouth hugely agape, his arms sprawled to the side. He was fast asleep.

"Dammit," Scotty muttered through clenched teeth, and Kat finally glanced in his direction.

"Bastard's asleep," he explained, reaching behind him to jar their suspect back into consciousness. "I was gonna get him to start talkin', maybe get him to---"

"Leave him," Kat instructed softly, placing a reassuring hand on her partner's arm. "Fastest way to sober a guy up is just let him sleep it off."

Scotty met her eyes, and saw within their depths the vast experience she had with this very situation. Written all over her face were the same emotions he'd seen from Lilly on those rare occasions when she'd let her guard down enough to let him. He sighed in resignation and helplessness as he realized that he was in for more sitting and waiting. Kat smiled tightly, but didn't look away, and Scotty shot her a glance that he hoped was simultaneously inviting, encouraging, even, but respectful. Letting her know that he'd lend an ear if she wanted to talk, but he wasn't about to press her. Not now. Not today. Not about this.

Kat sighed and looked away, and Scotty could tell she was wrestling inwardly with whether or not to share anything with him, and if so, how much. After several minutes, she finally spoke, her voice soft, her gaze fixed on something seemingly miles away.

"You spend your whole life hopin' maybe they'll pick you over the booze…but they never do," she said quietly. "And when that's all you got to look back on…" she trailed off, leaving her unfinished sentence hanging in the air.

Scotty was at a complete loss for words, so stricken was he by the fact that Kat had just opened up to him, and by what she'd told him. He knew how reluctant she was to share…well…anything personal, and she'd chosen to overcome that particular quirk of hers not for her benefit, he knew, but for his, to help him understand where she was coming from, and, by extension, to help him understand Lilly in a way he never had before. Kat sharing with him, when she was normally so private, was a precious gift, one for which he was eternally grateful, and he hoped he could come up with something, anything, that might return the favor, might salve her reopened wounds.

After several minutes of silence, he finally dared to steal a glance at her, and was relieved to see that she didn't seem to be waiting for him to respond. She was lost in her own little world, and a relieved Scotty felt free to let his own thoughts wander, to percolate, to come up with something that might help. Even though she wasn't asking for anything from him, he felt he owed her that much.

Her simple declaration echoed in his mind, and he found a lot of things clicking into place that previously hadn't as he replayed that last part of her sentence over and over. _When that's all you got to look back on…_

Scotty knew, from what Lilly had told him, that that was indeed all she had to look back on. She hadn't had the good example of a loving family he had, and he realized, in a flash, that that was the driving force behind her reluctance to move things forward, and the key reason why he was so terrified to ask her to marry him. Oh, she was in the relationship, he knew that, and it wasn't that she didn't want marriage, didn't want a family, it was just that she couldn't fathom anything but misery, thanks to her childhood. Scotty had been sure all along that Ellen loved Lilly, of course she did, what mother wouldn't? But if Lilly had spent her whole life fruitlessly hoping for just one occasion when Ellen would pick her over the booze, then no wonder she couldn't see that. No wonder she never felt any kind of love.

And Scotty knew that, despite Lilly's declaration to him that she wanted kids, she feared mothering children without a good example to look back on. Oh, he knew his own mother would provide just the good example she needed if and when the time came…but he was the one who had personal experience with that, not Lilly. He knew she could do it. He knew she had it in her. But, as things began to fall into place for him, he realized that, deep down…Lilly didn't know that.

As he glanced over at his partner once more, it occurred to him that Kat didn't know that either, only the difference was, she was in the middle of it. Having children wasn't a decision she had to make, it was one that had already been made a decade ago, and she was trying her best to give Veronica the kind of love she herself lacked as a child. No wonder she resented the long hours, despite her love for the job. No wonder she clung so fiercely to those Wednesday night ballet classes.

"She knows you love her," Scotty blurted out, almost without thinking, and Kat glanced up in surprise, startled to hear him speak. She'd been so lost in thought that she'd almost forgotten he was even there.

"My mom and dad worked long hours, too," he continued. "But I never once doubted that they loved me. And I barely know Veronica, but…I've seen the way she looks at you. She gets it. She knows she's more important to you than anything else."

Kat could only stare in disbelief. Not only had Valens been listening, which she was half-hoping he wouldn't, but he'd been…_thinking _about what she'd said. As it related to _her. _She'd hoped, after telling him what she'd told him, that he'd take it and ponder it as it applied to Lilly, and leave her the hell out of it. She'd hoped that telling him a little bit about her past would make him understand his girlfriend better, would make him get where Lil was coming from in a way Kat could tell he still didn't, most likely because Lilly was as closed-off as she was. But for Scotty to take these things and apply them to _her_, and then have the audacity to say what he'd said, that perfect, wonderful bit of sharing that lasered through her carefully constructed walls to the aching heart behind them, to know exactly the right things to say to address worries she wasn't even conscious she had at that moment…how the hell did Man Candy _do_ that?

Scotty glanced at his partner to gauge her reaction, and when he caught her dumbfounded stare, he couldn't keep the barest hint of gloating satisfaction from reaching his eyes. _He shoots, he scores_, he congratulated himself, but the triumph faded as quickly as it had come when he saw the sheen of tears in Kat's dark eyes. For a second, he mentally backtracked, wondering what the hell he possibly could have said that would have hurt her, because that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, but it was so typical of him, having nothing but the best intentions, then getting too involved, blurting things out without thinking, and hurting the very person he was trying to help…

But her next words eased his troubled mind.

"Thanks," she said thickly, and Scotty knew better than to say anything in response.

After a second, Kat returned her attention to him, the tears gone and her voice back to its normal self, albeit somewhat subdued. She had one more thing to say to him, one more bit of wisdom to impart.

"When Lil tells you she doesn't need you, when she says she's fine on her own…" she began, imploring him with her eyes to apply this to Lilly, and _only_ Lilly, not her, "…don't listen."

His partner's words slammed into Scotty like a truck as they resonated with the shrieking voices of his inner convictions. Despite the fact that she hadn't come out and said it, despite her insistence that she was fine on her own, Lilly _did _need him. He knew it. She was stuck, alone, in that hospital room beside her mother's bed, forced to deal with all that crap by herself. He'd promised her that her cries for help would never go unheard, and here he was, already forced to break that promise. She needed him, and he wasn't there for her. Just like he hadn't been there for Mike, for Ana, for Elisa…

Before he could sink too deeply into the abyss, however, his phone rang, and Scotty quickly answered it, hoping the shrill electronic jangle wouldn't wake their sleeping passenger. Dealing with a lousy drunk probable murderer wasn't exactly what he wanted to do at that precise moment.

"Valens," he answered, hoping at first that it was Lilly, but then fervently hoping it wasn't. If it wasn't her, then he could hold on for just a little while longer, pretending that she was fine, just like she always did, pretending that he wasn't in the act of failing the one he loved more than anything, wasn't in the middle of screwing everything up…

"Hey, Scotty," Vera's voice came over the line, and Scotty sighed inwardly with relief. It wasn't Lilly. Nothing horrible had happened yet.

"Hey," he replied, trying to make his voice sound as professional as possible.

"You guys on your way back?" Vera asked around a mouthful of something, Scotty wasn't sure what. _Probably a donut, since me and Miller ain't there to fight him for 'em…_

"Yeah," Scotty answered. "Left Baltimore about an hour ago."

"Any headway with the good Dr. Smith?" Vera asked casually.

"Not a bit," Scotty replied, the frustration evident in his voice. "Bastard was drunk off his ass when we found him."

"Drunk?" Vera repeated, as his worst fears were confirmed. He'd been hoping Kat might be spared from reliving the pain of her childhood, but it didn't seem like she'd been that fortunate.

"Yeah. Bribed him with promises of a cheese steak, and now he's in the back sawin' logs," Scotty replied. He was about to elaborate when a smarmy-looking man in an expensive SUV merged onto the highway, cutting Scotty off and forcing him to swerve quickly to avoid a collision.

"Fuckin' jackass," he muttered as he passed, shooting the other driver a glare. "Just 'cause your car's the size of Texas doesn't mean you own the whole damn road."

That gave Vera pause, his donut frozen halfway to his lips. He'd been in the car with Scotty hundreds, if not thousands, of times, and Valens was no stranger to road rage, but never when he was the passenger. And if he wasn't the passenger…that meant Kat was.

"You're drivin'?" he ventured carefully, just to be sure.

"Yeah," Scotty replied absently. "We don't need a map to get back to Philly."

Quickly, Vera put two and two together. If Kat knew where they were going, she'd have insisted on driving. And since she wasn't…that meant she'd surrendered the keys without a fight…which meant she wasn't okay. And Scotty…well, Vera knew Scotty well enough to know that no way in hell was Valens on top of his game, either. Not with Lilly's mother in the hospital, and Scotty having been gone when it happened. Suddenly, Vera began to formulate a plan. He couldn't do much about Lilly's situation, could do even less about Kat's, but he knew what both Valens and Miller needed at that moment.

"Well, tell Ted sweet dreams for us…we'll be waitin' when you get back," he told Scotty, then ended the call abruptly.

"Well?" Stillman asked, glancing up from the fax machine.

"They'll be back pretty soon," Vera replied, and something in his voice gave the boss pause.

"Everything okay, Nicky?" he asked.

Vera hesitated. Suddenly, he had no idea how to enact the brilliant plan he'd just conceived.

"I…I think maybe we oughta do this interview," he said, and a glance at Jeffries confirmed that he thought the same thing. Emboldened by his colleague's support, Vera continued.

"They've been on the road, the bastard's drunk off his ass. We got no idea how long it'll take him to sober up, and…" he trailed off.

"Might be good to get a fresh start on this one," Jeffries finished for him, and Vera shot him a grateful glance.

Stillman glanced from Jeffries to Vera and saw the anxiety on their faces. Jeffries had been concerned about Lilly ever since the phone call summoning her to her mother's apartment, and Stillman knew Scotty would be even more so, and Vera…well, there was no disguising the worry on his face, as well. He wasn't sure what that was about, but he knew it had something to do with Miller.

"We'll see what happens when they come in," Stillman agreed, sipping his coffee and heading back into his office.

* * *

After what seemed like hours, Kat and Scotty pulled into the parking lot at Headquarters, and Scotty, who had spent the portion of their trip following Vera's phone call in the old, familiar dance of beating himself up for all his failures, was in an incredibly foul mood. Kat could almost see the dark cloud hanging over her partner, and instantly recognized it for what it was, but she also knew she was powerless to do anything about it. Scotty was Scotty, and he had his moods occasionally. Nothing she could do about it, and she was actually sort of grateful for it. Him being the one drowning and her being the one standing on the shore with a life preserver…that was familiar territory. The role reversal? Uncharted waters. Frightening and uncomfortable. But here they were, back on solid ground. She could deal with that.

She eased out of the car and shut the door, taking a deep breath and steeling herself for the interview to come. Suddenly, a commotion from the other side of the car attracted her attention.

"Rise and shine, jackass," Scotty growled as he hauled Ted Smith to his feet. Ted, still blinking sleepily and looking around as though he'd landed on another planet, quickly found himself being grabbed by the lapels and slammed against the side of the car.

"Hey, what gives, man?" he slurred, and Kat realized, to her dismay, but not her surprise, that the two-hour nap in the car had done very little to make this man a worthwhile interview. Scotty had apparently figured that out, too, she concluded, as he gave Ted a good shake.

"How much more of our time do you feel like wastin' tonight?" he demanded roughly, and the suddenly alarmed Kat could see the look in his eyes and knew it was time to step in.

"Scotty," she said softly, but firmly, and the use of his first name, which was a rare thing for them, caused Scotty to tear his angry gaze away from Ted and meet his partner's eyes.

"He's not who you're mad at," she continued, with a look that, Scotty could tell, allowed for no disagreement. As he pondered her words for a second, he realized that she was right. Ted Smith wasn't who he was mad at. He was mad at Ellen Rush, he was mad at Kat's father, he was mad at himself, he was mad at the whole damn situation, really, and Ted was only a small part of that. Calming down slightly, he loosened his grip on their suspect's collar, and Kat took over.

"C'mon," she said smoothly, taking him by the elbow and leading him toward the building. "Right inside those doors is a cheese steak with your name on it."

"Cheese steak?" Ted repeated incredulously. "I don't want no stinkin' cheese steak. Somebody get me a rum and Coke. Minus the Coke," he said, then laughed as though it were the funniest joke in the history of comedy.

"Yeah, we'll get you everything you need," Scotty seethed, and Ted smiled dreamily at him.

* * *

Stillman glanced up from his desk when he heard the footsteps in the hallway, and, after a moment, saw Scotty and Miller hauling in an obviously-intoxicated man with glazed eyes and disheveled hair, still wearing a white doctor's coat, and Stillman was forced to shake his head in disgust. Who knew how many hours it would take him to sober up enough for an interview?

After a moment's consideration, Stillman turned his attention to the two detectives that flanked their suspect. Valens looked furious, and while that expression wasn't new, Stillman could tell from the worry lines on his face, more deeply etched than he last remembered, that the anger wasn't just with Ted. He recognized that impatient look, recognized the concern, the despair, and knew in a flash that Scotty was in no shape to be sitting around the squad room all night waiting for Ted Smith to be able to form a coherent sentence, much less confess to two murders.

And Miller…her eyes glinted with a fierce determination, the likes of which he hadn't seen from her, and shadowed in their depths was a lifetime of sadness and heartache. Heartache? Kat Miller? Stillman knew a lot about his detectives, but Miller was the one who was the most reluctant to share anything with anyone. The most closed-off of all of them. So for her to be revealing even the slightest bit about how this case was affecting her, well…it seemed Vera had been right.

Stillman emerged from his office to greet them, but Scotty spoke before he had a chance.

"Jackass is still plastered," he declared, "and I'm sicka lookin' at him. Let's throw him in the box and load him up with coffee."

Stillman nodded, and Scotty grabbed Ted by the elbow and disappeared into the interview room, while Kat headed for the kitchen and poured a large mug of coffee. Stillman studied her carefully, watching her do something he saw her do several times each day, and yet this was different. She poured the cup with a sense of dutiful resignation, a faraway look in her eyes, and suddenly, Stillman knew. He knew what Vera hadn't been telling him when he pleaded his case for this interview. He didn't know the specifics, but he didn't need to. And after the Annie Potter job, he'd sworn to be better about protecting the others from cases that hit too close to home. He still chastised himself for hovering over Lilly to the exclusion of everyone else. Here was his chance to make it right.

As Kat returned from the interview room with a still irritated-looking Scotty in tow, Vera and Jeffries came in from the hallway, having grabbed a late-night snack from a bakery down the street. Vera met Kat's eyes, and the look the two shared spoke volumes.

Vera turned his attention back to Stillman. "We got this, Boss," he announced confidently, and Jeffries echoed the sentiment with a nod.

Stillman glanced at Scotty and Kat to gauge their reactions; Valens, as he could have predicted, still glowered in the direction of the interview room, and Stillman could tell he hadn't even really heard his colleague. But Kat looked up, clearly startled, almost a bit relieved, then hastily tried to conceal it.

"No need," she argued. "We hauled his sorry ass back from Baltimore. He already knows us."

"And he can get to know Nicky and Will," Stillman replied softly. "You and Scotty…you're needed elsewhere."

Scotty finally looked up at those words, his eyes almost wild with hope, and Stillman knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he'd made the right call.

"You serious, Boss?" he asked.

"Boss," Kat protested. "This is nothing. Just an interview. I can handle this."

"I have no doubt that the two of you can handle it," he replied evenly. "But you shouldn't."

"Boss---" Kat started to argue, but Stillman silenced her with a look.

"I'm not conducting a survey," he declared. "I'm telling you, as your boss, that your part in this case has been played to perfection, and now you need to go home. Both of you."

Kat glared at him for a moment, then backed down, her shoulders almost visibly slumping with relief. Scotty, meanwhile, had already taken a fairly large step toward the door. He glanced back at his colleagues, and they all encouraged him silently with their eyes. Pausing for a brief instant, he searched their faces, lingering on his partner's the longest, her earlier words echoing over and over in his mind. She gave him a slight smile and a nod of encouragement, and with that, he took off at a run down the hallway.

* * *

After driving like a maniac the fifteen minutes it took to get from Headquarters to the hospital, Scotty parked the car in the closest garage, which was still two blocks away, and nearly sprinted into Philadelphia Grace. He paused briefly in the lobby, contemplating the elevators. No. The elevators would be too slow. Too slow for him to be with Lilly. Too damn slow. He hadn't a moment to lose. He glanced to his right and spied the stairs, jerked the door open, and took them two at a time.

Fourteen flights of stairs was a lot, he realized a bit too late, as he burst through the door and paused in front of the nurses' station, struggling to catch his breath.

A nurse, from her post behind the desk, took one look at the dark-haired man before her, the wild, almost panicked expression in his eyes and the way he leaned his hands on his knees, gasping for air. He glanced up, caught her watching him, and smiled almost sheepishly.

The nurse fixed Scotty with a kind, almost knowing smile. "Is this your first?" she asked.

"First what?" Scotty panted, frowning in confusion.

"Your first baby. Hate to break it to you, but Labor and Delivery is two more floors," she chided, her voice gentle, but colored with a hint of amusement.

Scotty's eyes opened wide. _Labor and Delivery? What the hell---? _He then realized that, with the anxious look he knew was in his eyes and the sweat he could feel beading on his forehead, he must look every inch the panicked father-to-be. _One step at a time, Valens, _his brain chided him. _You gotta get up the guts to give her that ring first._

"I ain't…there's no…" he began, then straightened to his full height, took as deep a breath as he could muster, and fixed the nurse with his most convincing grin. "I'm lookin' for Ellen Rush. I know she's on this floor somewhere, but I can't remember the room number."

The nurse paused. "I'm afraid I can't give out that information. Patient privacy rights."

Inwardly, Scotty seethed. After being stymied at every turn that day and threatened with security at Dr. Smith's clinic, he was _thisclose _to just knocking that vapid nurse out of the way and poking his head into every hospital room on the floor. He wasn't sure he'd remember Ellen Rush, but he knew Lilly well enough to know that there was no way in hell she'd have left her mother's side.

He cast a silent, pleading glance in the nurse's direction, but, when she remained stoic, Scotty reached for his badge, ready to claim official police business. Before he could withdraw it, however, the nurse's expression softened, and she sighed in resignation.

"1143," she told him quietly. "But you didn't hear it from me."

Scotty was already a third of the way down the hallway by the time she finished. "Thanks," he called over his shoulder as he ran toward Ellen's room.

* * *

Lilly sat in the uncomfortable chair beside her mother's bed, silently cursing, for the umpteenth time, the cheapness of hospitals, but she staunchly refused to leave her mother's side, grim in her determination that Ellen not wake up alone. Or die alone, whichever came to pass. Lilly had spent so much of her childhood alone, waiting for her mother to either wake up from her latest alcohol-induced slumber or to come home from cavorting with whichever guy was the Flavor of the Month, that she took an almost perverse sense of pleasure in rooting herself to the spot so her mother wouldn't experience the same thing.

Ellen's condition remained largely unchanged, and her doctor had assured Lilly that no news was good news. The longer she was out, the longer her body had to adjust to the withdrawal of alcohol without making her miserable in the process, and the longer she went without alcohol, the better chance her ailing liver had at struggling toward recovery. The coma, they said, was good, and they weren't about to do anything to try to bring her out of it.

So, after hanging up from her earlier phone call with Scotty, Lilly mostly just sat. Her mother had two major hurdles to climb, and in her darker moments, Lilly had figured Ellen would just give up the ghost in the coma. Honestly, she really hadn't expected her mother to make it through the first night, but she had, and here she lay, still breathing, hanging in some sort of bizarre limbo between life and death. The doctors had said that there were studies proving that coma patients could hear, but Lilly couldn't bring herself to say anything. She didn't have any idea what she'd say. The last few hours, instead of talking, she'd paced the room, inwardly raging against all the injustices from her childhood, but once her anger was spent, Lilly realized that, in all likelihood, her mother only had a few days, weeks at most.

Even if Ellen did awaken from her coma, the battle was far from over. Ellen Rush had to realize, somehow, that the thing she'd had a love affair with for the last thirty years, the thing for which she'd sacrificed four husbands, two daughters, and a promising career as an interior decorator, had turned its back on her and would kill her if she so much as touched it again. Lilly hated to be the bearer of that news, knowing that, in all probability, Ellen would just shrug, leave the hospital, and head for the nearest bar to drown the sorrow that she couldn't drink anymore in a few shots of vodka. But some small part of Lilly still clung to the hope that maybe…just maybe…Ellen would find something to live for. Maybe…for the first time…Lilly would be enough.

"Please, Mom," she said softly as she clung to her mother's hand, the first words she'd spoken since the doctors left two hours ago. "It's not too late. You gotta hold on."

And if she didn't? Which, in all likelihood, she probably wouldn't? Lilly realized that she'd thought the wounds she'd already been dealt had numbed her heart to the extent that her mother couldn't hurt her anymore, but as she gazed down at the still form of the woman who, for better or for worse, had raised her, stroking her white-blonde hair and wondering when the hell she got so old, she realized that if Ellen did check out, if she did give up…that would hurt more than anything. If her mother picked booze over her yet again, if she sacrificed her life for it…with her father and Christina already gone…Lilly realized that she really would be alone in the world.

_I don't want to be alone. _It was what she'd told Joseph when he left, and truer words had scarcely torn themselves from her lips. Lilly could hate her mother all she wanted, could ignore her, could be embarrassed by her, but at least she was still there. Her dad left, but Ellen stayed, as she'd so self-righteously pointed out on numerous occasions, and for the first time, Lilly began to appreciate that, despite the wounds, her mother had a point. Her dad and Chris had left long ago, as had everyone else Lilly had ever loved, except her mother.

And Scotty.

The thought of him brought a fresh wave of longing to her heart as she realized that she wasn't alone in the world, not really, not as long as he was a part of it, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to see him. She'd never wanted, no…needed anything this badly before, ever. She didn't know a longing like this could exist. Just to see him walk through the door, to fall into his arms and bask in his love and depend on his strength…she'd never, ever needed anyone before, but in that moment, she desperately needed Scotty.

She felt tears stinging her eyes as she fumbled in her purse for her phone. She hadn't heard from him in a few hours, and she had no idea whether he'd even pick up, whether he'd be in the middle of an interview, whether he was even in Philadelphia, but she needed him there, case or no case. She'd call Boss and explain, she'd do whatever she had to do, pay whatever price he named, it would all be worth it to get Scotty out of Baltimore and by her side. If he were there, then everything would be fine. If she could just hear his voice, just feel his embrace, just…

"Hi, you've reached Scotty Valens, Philadelphia Homicide. I can't take your call right now, but if you'll leave a message…"

Lilly's heart sank to her shoes as the tears flooded her eyes, but she quickly ordered them back and pressed the End button, the quiet beep dashing her last hope. Scotty wasn't answering. He wasn't there. She needed to hold on just a little while longer, to handle this on her own just for a few more minutes. _You've done this your whole life, Rush. Get it together. You can do it a little more._

So focused was she on composing herself that she didn't hear the frantic footsteps in the hallway, and when the door banged open, it startled her so much she almost jumped. She whirled around in the chair, her phone still halfway between her ear and her purse…

…and saw Scotty standing in the doorway.

For a second, Lilly froze, absolutely motionless, sure she was hallucinating. She'd never needed anyone this badly before, and for all she knew, she'd dreamed him up. But he seemed real enough. He stood there in the doorway, his gaze locked on her, his breathing ragged, his face flushed, glistening with sweat, and etched with concern. From the look in his eyes, she knew in a heartbeat that, whether or not she spoke the words, he knew she needed him, and he'd have stopped at nothing short of climbing Mount Everest to get to her.

"Scotty," Lilly breathed, blindly dropping the phone into her purse as she rose from her chair, feeling the tears filling her eyes once more and knowing that this time, there wasn't any reason to stop them.

Scotty had been hurrying so much for the last few hours that Lilly's tentative, cautious steps toward him were almost in slow motion. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears and ringed with dark circles, her face was even paler than normal, he could see in a flash what she'd been through in the last couple days, and the toll it had taken on her. His heart wrenched painfully, again, at the knowledge that she'd been dealing with this alone, that he hadn't been there for her, but his self recrimination was interrupted as Lilly wrapped her arms around his neck and held onto him as if for dear life.

_Okay, Valens, _he reasoned, as he embraced Lilly fiercely and inhaled deeply of the scent of her hair, that, somehow, despite the hours she'd spent in a hospital, still maintained its usual intoxicating floral essence. _Maybe you weren't here then, but you're here now._

Lilly pulled away from him, the tears still shimmering in her eyes. "Did you solve the case?" she asked him, her voice wavering slightly.

Scotty smiled tenderly and brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Nicky and Will took over," he explained slowly, not wanting to disappoint her. "I had somewhere else I needed to be."

He knew. She didn't even have to tell him she needed him…and he _knew_. She hadn't voiced her cry for help…but he'd come anyway. At this realization, Lilly felt something break within her, felt the walls finally crumbling, and she choked back a sob.

"Lil," Scotty said softly, tracing his thumb across her cheekbone, his eyes wide and earnest. "It's okay. I'm here now. You don't have to…"

When Lilly wrapped her arms around his neck, buried her face in his shoulder, and finally gave way to her long-restrained tears, Scotty realized that further words were unnecessary. She'd barely been holding on until he walked through that door, and he just thanked God that he'd been there to catch her when she fell.


	35. Because of You

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I definitely don't control them.**

**A/N: This chapter contains some Adult Language. See above.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Thirty-Five: Because of You**

_Because of you _

_I find it hard to trust _

_Not only me, but everyone around me _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid_

Scotty wasn't sure how long they stood there, Lilly clinging to him, sobbing into his shoulder, seeming to hold on for dear life, but after a while, he gently lifted her into his arms, lowered himself into the chair beside Ellen's bed, and settled her in his lap, all the while she continued to cry. He held her tight, stroking her back with his hands and whispering endearments into her hair, feeling a tear or two of his own sliding from beneath his eyelashes at the sounds of her unassuaged grief. This was about far more than just the current situation with her mother, he knew that. The heartache and strain of the wounds she'd been dealt, the years of dealing with Ellen, had finally, _finally _caught up with her. Scotty recognized the feeling, remembering the night when the fatigue and frustration of caring for Elisa for all those years had caught up with him, and his own heart wrenched painfully with the knowledge of what she must be experiencing. Beyond the pain, however, was the sweet sense of relief that he was finally _here_, finally with Lilly. He was doing some good. She needed him, and he was there.

Gradually, Lilly's sobs quieted and her shoulders stopped trembling, until there was only the most occasional of sniffles, and they sat there in silence for what seemed like hours, wrapped in each other's arms, her head still resting on his shoulder, and Scotty treasured every second of it. Despite the circumstances, despite the heartache, despite everything, it felt so good to just sit and hold Lilly in his arms. He didn't think he'd ever loved her more than he did at this moment, and he realized that although he thought he'd been so frantic to get to her because she needed him…he needed her just as badly.

Finally, Lilly raised her head and looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen and smudged with makeup, her cheeks mottled, her hair mussed…and she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. Scotty pressed a kiss to her forehead, then reached over and fetched her a Kleenex from the tray beside Ellen's bed. Lilly dabbed at her eyes, blew her nose, then gave him a small, almost girlishly embarrassed smile and started to blot his shoulder.

"I got mascara all over your shirt," she said sheepishly, her eyes traveling to the black smudges marring the formerly white fabric.

Scotty glanced down and shrugged. "'S'okay," he replied, planting another kiss on the top of her head. "Think I mighta already got some cheese steak on it, anyway."

"Cheese steak?" Lilly asked, blinking in confusion. "They had cheese steak where you were?"

Scotty grinned ruefully. "If you wanna call it that, yeah."

"That bad, huh?" Lilly asked, and Scotty rolled his eyes.

"You don't wanna know," he replied, with a sad shake of his head.

Lilly giggled, and Scotty beamed in response and pulled her close again. Even after all the time they'd been together, he never failed to be enchanted by Lilly's giggle. It was music to his ears, made even more so by the fact that she only seemed to do it in response to something he had said. It was like his own private serenade, and he could last for hours on just one of those giggles.

Bolstered by the fact that Lilly had improved by leaps and bounds since he walked through that door, he was finally able to glance around, seeing, for the first time, the room's other occupant, lying still in the bed, hooked up to the steadily beeping monitors.

"How's she doin'?" he asked, glancing from Ellen back to Lilly.

Lilly's eyes clouded, and Scotty instantly regretted raising the subject. "They say no news is good news," she replied with a shrug.

"Any idea how long she might be out?" Scotty asked, carefully balancing Lilly in his lap as he shifted awkwardly in the chair.

"You can try all you want," she commented drily. "That chair's always gonna be uncomfortable."

Scotty glanced at her, and at the dark circles under her swollen eyes he realized that she hadn't left her mother's side the entire time Ellen had been hospitalized. Not that this surprised him in the least.

"And to answer your question," Lilly said as she slid off his lap and stood up, her voice growing stronger and more professional by the second, "they don't know."

"So…she could be out for a few days…weeks, even…" Scotty concluded.

Lilly's only response was another shrug, and Scotty realized that, if and when Ellen woke up, Lilly was going to need every ounce of strength she had to deliver the diagnosis and live with the consequences. He studied his girlfriend carefully, seeing the toll the last couple of days had taken on her, and reached a quick decision. She wasn't gonna like this, oh, no, she wasn't gonna like it at all, but he had to put his foot down.

He had to get her out of this hospital.

"Lil," he began, almost paternally, rising from the chair and looking deep into her eyes.

Lilly knew what he was going to say before the words were even out of his mouth, and she glared back at him in defiance, but Scotty held her gaze. Usually her icy glares chastened him instantly, but…usually, when he was on the receiving end of one of them, he deserved it. Not this time, though. _You ain't wrong, Valens. You gotta dig your heels in on this one._

"Lil," he repeated, his voice calm and strong. "Go home."

"No," she replied, crossing her arms across her chest like a stubborn child. Well, he'd seen that coming.

"Lil," he said again. "Go home."

"I'm not leaving her, Scotty," she argued quietly.

Scotty sighed in frustration, then regained his composure and returned to look into her eyes. "You've been here for the last two days. You ain't slept, you ain't showered, and all you've had to eat is crappy hospital food…no…check that…you haven't eaten at all, have you?"

All Lilly could do was stare, so taken aback was she by how well her boyfriend knew her. _Well, of course he knows you, Rush, _she reminded herself. _He's been your boyfriend for over a year, and he was your friend and partner for four years before that. Hell, he probably knows you better than you know yourself._

Crap.

Scotty knew her better than she knew herself.

And with that realization, she was forced to admit that he was right. She did need to go home.

_Dammit._

Scotty saw the first glint of defeat in her eyes, and he restrained himself from gloating. This wasn't the time.

"Go home, Lil," he repeated softly.

"But…I don't want her to be alone," she protested weakly, with a glance toward her mother's bed. _And I don't want me to be alone, either…_

Scotty followed Lilly's gaze, then wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "She won't be," he promised, his voice soft, but firm. "I'm here, and I ain't goin' nowhere until she either wakes up or you come back. She ain't gonna be alone, Lil." _And neither are you, _he added silently.

Lilly looked into Scotty's endless eyes and was able to relax slightly at the determination she read there. He wasn't kidding. He really wouldn't leave. No matter what.

"But…you've gotta be exhausted," she argued, concern for him suddenly at the forefront of her mind. Scotty tried to protest, but she silenced him with a look. "You've been on the road, you've been working all day…and you'll never get any sleep in that god-awful chair."

Scotty grinned confidently. "That chair's gonna be a piece of cake," he declared. "I can sleep anywhere. Hell, I even slept on a picnic table before."

Lilly shot him a blank stare. _A…picnic table…?_

"Long story," he replied. "But…the point is, I can sleep anywhere. And however long the last two days have been for me, they've been even worse for you. I ain't backin' down on this, Lil."

Lilly tried to glare at him, but she soon discovered, to her dismay, that mustering even the barest spark of irritation simply took too much effort. Had she had the strength to argue, she would have put up one hell of a fight, but…she just didn't have it in her. The strain of the past couple days, and probably the last few years, too, had finally caught up with her, and she hadn't realized how exhausting it was keeping it all together until now, when she didn't have to anymore. Her outpouring of grief in Scotty's arms had left her numb, drained, and empty, with absolutely nothing left. She knew that, and he knew it, too. There was no way around it.

Sighing in defeat, she turned away from Scotty and approached Ellen's bed, where she took her mother's hand and gazed down at her for a moment. It occurred to her that this could be the end, this could be the last time she saw her mother alive, and if she was gone when Ellen died...

To her surprise, Lilly felt the sting of tears once again; she thought surely she must have run out by now, and a deep sense of sadness settled within her soul. Regardless of the horrors that lay behind her, regardless of the constant strife between the two…this woman was still her mother. She was still the one who'd given her life, and, for better or for worse, the one who'd seen her through to adulthood. Lilly's anger and bitterness was spent, at least for the moment, and as she gazed at her mother's still form, she found herself silently pleading with her, one more time, to hold on.

"I'm gonna go home, Mom," Scotty heard her announce, her voice soft and gentle. "But I'm not gonna be gone long, and Scotty's here." She gazed at her mother once more, an expression of pure, almost childlike adoration shining her eyes, then bent down to kiss Ellen's forehead. "I'll see you when I get back," she said, then released her mother's hand and turned back toward Scotty.

"I'm only leaving for a few hours," she declared, "and I'm setting my alarm, so don't get too comfortable."

Scotty grinned as he took her hands in his. "Don't think you need to worry about that," he replied, glancing in the direction of the chair.

Lilly smiled slightly, and Scotty was elated that he'd gotten even that much out of her.

"Take care of her, Scotty," she implored him, her sapphire eyes wide and trusting, silently begging him not to let anything happen while she was gone.

Scotty was deeply moved by the utter dependence he saw reflected in her gaze, and nodded solemnly. "I will," he replied.

Lilly gazed over his shoulder at her mother for a moment, committing the scene to memory. Then, without a word, she shifted her focus to Scotty's eyes, peering deeply into them for a long moment while she squeezed his hands in hers. After a few seconds, she released him and turned to go.

"Lil," he called after her, then mentally kicked himself. _Dammit, Valens. She was on her way out the door, and you had to go and stop her._

"Yeah?" she replied, turning around.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Sorry for what?" she asked with a frown.

Scotty sighed and met her gaze. "You needed me before…and I wasn't here. I promised I would be, but…" he trailed off. "I'm sorry," he finished simply.

Lilly smiled slightly and shook her head. Typical Scotty. Reading the guilt in his eyes, she crossed the room in a flash, taking him in her arms and lifting his chin to meet her gaze, eternally grateful for a moment to think about something besides her situation.

"Scotty," she said firmly. "I didn't know I needed you…until about thirty seconds before you showed up. I didn't even have to say a word…and you knew. You came. You're here."

She looked intently into his chocolate eyes, willing her words to penetrate his walls, and was relieved when his gaze brightened.

"I'm here," he repeated softly, taking her in his arms. "And I ain't goin' nowhere. Ever."

Lilly gently pulled his face down toward hers and kissed him, the love flooding up from her heart and pouring out through her lips.

"I know," she said softly as they broke apart, and then, without another word, she kissed him once more, turned around, and was gone.

* * *

After Lilly left, Scotty stripped off his tie, unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt, and settled into the chair beside Ellen's bed to begin his vigil. Lil was right, he realized. That chair really did raise discomfort to new heights. He shifted a few times, trying to find a decent position, then sighed, gave up, and turned his attention to Ellen, studying the frail woman with a detective's eye. He'd really never had much of a chance to do it at their previous encounter, so he relished it now.

Her hair was blonde, matted from her days in bed, but the same cornsilk blonde as Lilly's. From the memory of his first meeting with Lilly's mother, Scotty remembered that Lil had inherited Ellen's sapphire eyes, too, although Lilly's were clear and full of life, whereas Ellen's were hazed with alcohol and clouded with defeat. She looked old, far older than the years he knew she had under her belt, her face creased with decades of alcohol abuse, and, he could tell by the stains on her fingers and the fine lines around her mouth, smoking, too.

This woman had borne two daughters, and Scotty knew them both. He took a few minutes to reflect on the contrast between the two, marveling that the same woman who could raise Christina, the trashy, happy-go-lucky, flighty, manipulative woman who still ranked as his greatest mistake, could also raise Lilly, the strong, determined, compassionate, brave, wonderful woman who owned his heart. It was obvious, from what he knew, that Christina had followed her mother's example, whereas Lilly had become who she was despite, not because of, Ellen's influence.

His reverie was interrupted by a soft knock at the door, and he smiled briefly when he recognized the nurse from earlier, who tossed him a familiar grin as she entered the room to check Ellen's vital signs. Scotty watched her in silence, her work quick, yet gentle, the only sounds in the room the steady beep of the monitors, the hiss of the blood pressure cuff, and the soft scribbling as the nurse made notes in Ellen's chart.

"Anything new to report?" Scotty asked as the nurse replaced the pen in her pocket.

"Nope," she replied, the word punctuated by the ripping of Velcro as she removed the blood pressure cuff from Ellen's arm. "Everything looks the same."

Scotty nodded, and the nurse started to leave, then stopped suddenly and turned back to face him.

"Almost forgot," she said. "We're gonna need a new copy of Ms. Rush's insurance card. The guys down in the ER swear up and down that they ran one, but…it seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle."

Scotty grinned. "Well, to be honest, I barely know the woman, but I'll look for the card if you need it."

The auburn-haired nurse frowned as Scotty located Ellen's purse and began to dig through it. Despite the necessity of his mission, he felt like an intruder, poking his nose where it didn't belong.

He sensed the nurse hesitating, sensed the question forming before she even asked it. "So…if you barely know her…why are you here?" she inquired.

"That blonde that's been in here the whole time?" he asked, and the nurse nodded. "She's my…" he paused for an instant, searching for the right word. _My world…my everything…the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with…_

"Girlfriend," he finished lamely, resenting the inadequacy of the label to describe all he felt for her, all they were to each other, all he hoped they'd become.

The nurse smiled as Scotty located Ellen's wallet, withdrew it, and rifled through the pockets, finally locating the required card. She smiled her thanks as she took it from him and slipped it into her pocket.

"I'll bring it back next time I check her vitals," she said, and Scotty nodded as the nurse departed, clicking the door shut softly behind her.

Scotty was just closing the wallet when his eyes fell on a faded snapshot in one of the clear plastic pockets, and, overwhelmed by curiosity, he wiggled it out of its sleeve to take a closer look. After a moment, he recognized the woman in the photo as Ellen, albeit a much younger version, with two adorable little girls. The younger one grinned impishly, her blonde curls sticking out in all directions, and the older one smiled from behind her.

A broad smile crossed his face. Lilly and Christina. He'd have known them anywhere.

Scotty didn't know how long he sat there studying that photo. Even after all the years he'd known her, he'd never seen a picture of a young Lilly before, so guarded was she about anything related to her childhood. Oh, Scotty had asked, dozens of times, but Lilly had always avoided the subject, so he relished this forbidden glimpse into her past. He took in her long, straight hair, the wide blue eyes, the scattering of freckles across her nose. She looked happy enough; a bit more serious than her sister, but, Scotty realized, since when was that anything new? And Ellen….well, she looked pleased as punch. The three were all dressed in their Sunday best, the bushes behind them just beginning to bloom in the early morning sun.

_See, Lil? _Scotty said silently, with a soft chuckle. _It wasn't all bad._

He flipped the photo over then, noticing the faded scrawl on the back.

_Me with my girls, Easter, '79---Christina, age 4, Lilly, age 10._

Scotty's smile froze on his face as he took in that last detail. _Lilly, age 10._ As quickly as it had come, the warm nostalgia faded, morphing rapidly into an icy, clutching feeling in the center of his chest as memories from a few weeks before came flooding back at an alarming pace.

_I was ten…like Annie…on my way to the store…it was dark out, late…_

Scotty turned the photo back over to give it a closer look, the anguish and rage rising within his throat until he almost felt suffocated by it. It could only have been a few weeks later…a few weeks after that perfect moment was captured for all posterity. That angelic face had been punched and slapped over and over, that familiar delicate jaw mercilessly broken, those pearly white teeth knocked out, all to the accompaniment of sadistic laughter…

"Oh, God," he choked brokenly as a wave of nausea came over him. Suddenly, he couldn't bear to look at the picture anymore, and he hastily tossed it onto the tray beside Ellen's bed, the irony twisting like a knife in his soul. He'd been so desperate to learn what had happened to Lilly so long ago, why the Annie Potter case had eaten her alive…but once she'd actually told him about her attack, the details had barely even registered to him. Scotty was fixated on the fact that George Marks had made her share those same details, so terrified by what he'd come so close to losing that night in the woods…that he hadn't truly absorbed what Lilly had lost already. Her childhood. Her innocence. Her belief that the world was a good place. All gone in a matter of moments, in a flurry of fists on a rain-soaked spring night…

…all because her mother needed a drink.

_You spend your whole life hopin' maybe they'll pick you over the booze…but they never do._

His partner's words reverberated in his mind, and Scotty suddenly couldn't just sit there in that chair anymore. He almost leapt to his feet and crossed the room, pacing angrily back and forth, raking his hands through his hair as the realizations began to sweep over him and the last of his illusions shattered almost audibly. Ever since the first day he'd heard about Lilly's childhood, since the Toya Miles case when she became so bitter toward the victim's mother, when her knowledge of the inner workings of public assistance first shed light on the fact that her childhood and his had been vastly different, he'd hoped she was exaggerating. He'd encouraged her to look, and look hard, for the good times, for the happy moments, for the times when she felt some kind of love. His exhortations had been partly for selfish reasons, he admitted, because if Lil was right, if her mother truly never loved her...it would have been more than he could bear, even back then, even before he knew he'd one day come to want nothing more than to spend the rest of his life by her side.

But, as images flashed through his mind, vivid, painful images of ten-year-old Lilly running for her very life, of the sheer panic in her eyes as she realized she couldn't escape, of her terrified shrieks as her assailant's fist came closer and closer…his hands began to tremble with fury as the reality sank in. What Kat had said was entirely true. Lilly's mother had chosen booze over her, time and time again, none more obvious than that horrible night…and Scotty felt his heart slowly being torn to pieces as the things Lilly had told him began to fall into place.

He realized that he'd been so shocked by what she'd told him that night that he didn't really absorb the truth of her words, that fixating on George, painful though it was, had been, in fact, a way for him to run from the even more awful reality of her attack…but just as Lilly hadn't been able to escape her assailant, he couldn't escape this. It was no longer some abstract tale buried in the past, no longer a box on the shelf in the warehouse…now he had a face, an innocent, angelic face to put with her horror story. He felt tears beginning to prick his eyes as the shattered remnants of his heart filled with an intense longing for things to have been different for her. He'd have given anything, anything at all, for Lilly to enjoy the kind of childhood he'd had. It wasn't perfect, by any means, but he'd grown up secure in his parents' love, the most basic necessity any child had, and Lilly, his Lilly, had been deprived of that, through no fault of her own.

But she thought it was, Scotty realized, and the force of the truth he'd just uncovered almost knocked him backwards. As he continued to pace, fighting his tears and trying desperately to look at the situation logically, he reflected on all the time he'd known Lilly, the on relentless drivenness that characterized her, and knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the frail woman lying comatose in the bed mere feet away was what drove his girlfriend to push herself, almost the point of insanity and exhaustion, trying to prove…to prove what? To prove…

To prove that she was good enough to hold her family together…good enough to make her mother stop drinking…good enough to make her father come back…to be so professional, so competent, so damn _good _that nobody would ever look behind her strong façade to the broken heart beneath. To prove she was good enough that maybe, one day, her mother would choose her.

"Dammit."

The exclamation burst from his lips before he could stop it, and Scotty then gritted his teeth with the force of holding back the torrent of abuse he longed to heap on Ellen Rush. Hoping for some distraction, something to think about that didn't bring such searing pain, he turned away from Ellen and blindly shoved his hand into his pocket, where his fingertips met smooth velvet on a hard surface.

Lilly's ring.

It seemed like a lifetime since he'd purchased it, couldn't remember what it felt like not to be carrying it around, wondering when the moment would come, wondering how the hell he'd ever dare to ask her to make his dreams come true. As he flipped open the velvet box inside his pocket and wrapped his finger around the diamond ring it contained, he realized he hadn't found the distraction he sought; instead, he'd found yet another source of torment, and he pressed the stones into his thumb with such force that it almost made him cry out with the pain. He wanted so badly to promise her he'd always be there for her, always take care of her, and he wanted the reassurance that she'd always be there for him, that she wanted to build a life, a family, a home with him…but he realized he'd been scared absolutely shitless since the moment the ring arrived, and now he knew why.

It wasn't that she didn't love him enough, he knew that. But, as he'd learned so many years ago with Elisa, love wasn't always enough. Despite the evidence that Lilly was in this, that she was committed to him, he knew how disillusioned she was by the idea of marriage and family, and as he looked down at the still form of Ellen Rush, he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the reason, the reason for all of it, was lying there in the flesh. He glared down at her, the ferocity of his gaze nearly boring holes in the blankets as so many emotions crystallized, their searing intensity filling his soul to the point that, if he didn't release them, he knew he'd explode.

This silent admission opened the floodgates, and the words it had taken physical force to bite back began to pour forth.

"God_dammit,"_ he exclaimed, his voice soft, yet ferocious, "this is _your _fault." He crossed the room and stood by Ellen's bed, near her face, hoping that somewhere in the beyond, wherever the coma had taken her, that his words would somehow penetrate her fog and hit her where it hurt. She needed to know how badly she'd wounded the woman he loved, the woman she was _supposed _to love.

"I don't know you at all," he began, through clenched teeth, "but…I know your kind. I used to work in Narcotics, y'know. I made a study outta people like you. I had to go into crack houses and crappy apartments and drag people off for sellin' drugs, smokin' dope, you name it."

He turned around and began to pace again, his fury at Ellen too great to look at her face any longer.

"But the worst part?" he continued. "The worst part was the ones who had kids. 'Cause those kids were too young to know that their parents were no-good worthless pieces of shit who deserved to rot in jail. All they knew was that some bad policeman was haulin' Mommy and Daddy away." He heaved a deep, shuddering breath, the pain of the repressed memories beginning to bubble forth. "You learn, after a while, not to look into their eyes…into those kids' faces. 'Cause when you do…it breaks your heart. You look at 'em, and they don't know you're doin' what's best for 'em…they don't know you're doin' 'em a favor…they just look at you like you're the bad guy, and that makes you feel like the scum of the earth. When I was young…when I was young and dumb, I looked. Almost grabbed one little girl and took her with me."

Scotty looked over at Ellen, as though she'd responded to what he'd just said. "Oh, yeah. This girl…she had the reddest hair and the greenest eyes I'd ever seen. Had to haul her dad off for doin' meth…and as I was leavin', I turned around and looked…and this little girl was still lookin' at her daddy like…like he hung the goddamn _moon. _I saw some skanky-ass meth head…but all she saw was…Daddy. It didn't matter that all he cared about was gettin' his next hit and he couldn't give a rat's ass about her…she still loved him."

Scotty felt angry tears stinging his eyes once more at the memory, that painful memory that, until now, he'd shared only with Elisa. He couldn't do anything for that little girl then, and he couldn't do anything for Lilly now. The helplessness washed over him like a tidal wave, and he felt like just sinking to the floor and sobbing at the injustice of it all, but as he clenched his jaw to fight the tears, the rage built up again and he continued.

"I saw that little girl again tonight," he said, his voice softer and tremulous with anger. "Oh, it wasn't the same little girl, but it might as well have been. Tonight, I saw _your _little girl lookin' at you the same way that little girl looked at her daddy…like you hung the moon. You…you worthless, piece of shit, sorry, pathetic excuse for a mom. Y'know, moms are supposed to move heaven and earth for their kids. At the very least, they're supposed to _feed_ 'em, for God's sake…give 'em a good place to sleep…_"_

He paused to take a breath, and finally looked Ellen square in the face as he leaned over her bed.

"Oh, yeah," he continued bitterly. "Lil told me about all that. Case Number 4228: Ellen Rush, two dependents. She told me about the Spam and the Cheerios, how you forgot to feed her 'cause you were too drunk…or too tired…or out lookin' for a man….about how you brought home guys who hit you, who I ain't dumb enough to think didn't hit her, too, about how she was either waitin' for you to wake up or waitin' for you to get home…"

Scotty stopped, struggling to draw breath and regain some semblance of control. He knew he was teetering on the edge, feeling an almost murderous rage welling up in his chest along with the tears in his eyes, and he backed away from Ellen's bed again, choosing instead to vent his anger on the cement wall of the hospital room. He only landed one punch, but it was enough to satisfy his need to hit something, at least for the moment, before he turned back to Lilly's mother.

"You're supposed to protect your kids, too," he continued, his voice thick and strained by the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Despite his frequent temper outbursts, Scotty could count on one hand the number of times he'd been this livid, and the pain and helplessness that twisted with the rage this time made him feel as though he were drowning. He could only imagine how much Lilly had been carrying with her over the years, and that made him even angrier. He leaned over Ellen's bed again, mere inches from her face, eyeing her with a disgust and revulsion that made even the way he looked at doers pale by comparison.

"Lil even told me about that," he declared as his voice finally broke and a scalding tear splashed down his cheek. "Had to watch a case tear her apart, had to watch her almost kill herself tryin' to run away from the nightmares, but she finally told me…told me how you sent her out, late at night…too goddamn late, in a crappy-ass neighborhood…when you ran outta booze. So you sent your baby girl…your _baby_, Ellen…off to the store to buy you some vodka, 'cause you were too damn lazy to go get it yourself…and the second you turned your back…"

He trailed off then, the lump in his throat suddenly too great for him to speak around as the images from earlier invaded his mind again, as he saw Lilly's panic and heard her screams. He choked back an angry sob, brushed away another tear, and continued. "The second you turned your back…Lil got attacked. He took the money you gave her, and then he took a helluva lot more. "

Scotty laughed then, a bitter, mirthless chuckle as he turned around and resumed pacing the floor, silent for a few seconds, pressing his lips together in a tight line as he struggled to keep from breaking down completely, before turning back toward Ellen and lashing out once more.

"Did you see what happened to her?" he asked rhetorically. "Oh, yeah, you saw the bruises and the broken teeth…but I'm gonna bet you never saw that pain. And worse than the scars, worse than that damn broken jaw…is her broken heart," he continued, suddenly so furious that his vision blurred, his heart pounded wildly, and his whole body felt as though it was on fire.

"Maybe you don't know how bad she got hurt," he went on, glaring fiercely at Lilly's mother, his voice rising with each syllable, "but I do. I've seen it. I held her for hours while she cried 'cause of what you did to her. For God's sake, Ellen, you sold your own daughter out for a drink!" he roared, then punched the wall again, even harder this time, the pain shooting up his arm almost to his shoulder. He knew his hand was probably broken, felt his shredded knuckles swelling and the blood seeping rapidly from the wounds, but he didn't give a damn. It felt good, almost, to feel the pain somewhere besides his heart.

"But even though you sold her out," he continued brokenly as he leaned his uninjured hand on the cool white wall for support, "even though you never took care of her, never loved her the way you shoulda…she still loves you. She still worries about you. She still almost kills herself tryin' to make you proud of her, to make you love her more than you love that goddamn booze. To feel like she's good enough."

Scotty struggled to catch his breath before pushing himself off the wall and approaching the bed once more. "Well, Lil may not be good enough for you…may not even begin to live up to your precious vodka," he began sarcastically, "but I love her with everything I am…I love her more than my own life. She's the most amazin' person I've ever met." His anger lifted momentarily as the warmth of his love for Lilly softened his heart, brightening his countenance for a moment.

"She's beautiful…inside and out," he continued, his voice still raw, but suddenly tender. "She's dedicated, she's loyal, she makes me happier than I got any right to be…but she's damaged. She's carried around so much pain for so long that I don't even think she remembers what it's like to not feel it. Oh, you do," he spat bitterly. "_You _know what it's like to not feel pain, 'cause you drown yours in vodka every minute of every day, but Lil…she carries hers around. That woman's got so many scars that I don't even know how to begin to fix 'em." He felt the anger rushing back, and he moved to the center of the room, away from the walls, stopping himself from doing further damage to his hand.

"God_dammit, _Ellen!" he shouted, the rage and despair shredding the words. "How _dare _you even _think _about callin' yourself a mom after what you did to Lil? To Chris? They were your girls, dammit. You carried 'em both for nine months…you yourself gave 'em life! If I had a kid, I'd…" he stopped, and laughed again, even more bitterly than before.

"You hear what I just said, Ellen? If I had a kid. Yeah, I want kids. I wanna bring children in this world, with your girl Lil, and show 'em how much I love 'em, show 'em right from wrong, show 'em that they can make a difference, that they can do some good. I want kids…I want a family…I want a _life_ with your daughter." He removed the ring from its nest in his pocket and held it up to the patch of light that bled in from the streets outside, watching the colors dance in the diamonds for a minute, before suddenly shoving the ring in Ellen's face. Her eyes were closed, but Scotty hoped that, wherever she was, maybe she could see it anyway.

"See this?" he demanded roughly. "I've been carryin' this around for _weeks_, wantin' to give it to Lil, but I'm too chickenshit. Yeah, I said it. I'm scared. You wanna know why? 'Cause Lil is so banged up, so bruised, so battered, from all the shit you pulled on her, that I'm terrified that she's gonna say no. Oh, it ain't 'cause she doesn't love me…she does. I know that. And if you'd sober up for one fuckin' minute, you'd see it, too. But…you've given her such a shitty example of marriage and love, that if I say that word to Lil, she'll run away screamin'…and I don't blame her. So I'm just gonna carry this around in my pocket, maybe 'till the day I die, and if I never get to give it to her…that won't be my fault. That's gonna be on _your _head,_" _he seethed, then resumed pacing.

"Y'know why I'm here?" he growled bitterly. "It sure as hell ain't 'cause I love you. Hell, I can barely stand to look at you right now. But Lil does, God alone knows why. She's terrified that you're gonna die alone. And I love her, so I'm sittin' here, hopin' and prayin' that you make it through the night, 'cause I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Lil and tell her that you kicked the bucket, that you waited until she was gone to croak, so she'd have to live with that on top of everything else, have to live without gettin' a goodbye from you. And if you do pull through…then you got a choice to make. The same choice you've always had. Booze…or Lil."

He suddenly whirled around and crossed to Ellen's bed, slipping a hand beneath her neck, raising her head a few inches off the pillow, and speaking in a lethal near-whisper, his voice trembling with grief, fury, and the effort of restraint.

"You ain't gonna give up on her," he declared as tears flooded his eyes once more. "I know what it's like to have someone give up on me, to decide life ain't worth livin', that what we got together ain't worth fightin' for…and no way in hell am I lettin' you do that to Lil. You are gonna come out of this, you are gonna sober up, and you are gonna be the mom Lil deserves, the mom she shoulda had thirty years ago when she needed you. I'm gonna spend every day I got left on this earth tryin' my damnedest to make up for what you did to her, and you are gonna watch. You're gonna see what love looks like. No way in hell am I lettin' you take the easy way out. You hear me? No fuckin' way. You ain't gettin' off the hook. You ain't dyin', cause you got a helluva lot to make up for, and I'm gonna see to it that you do, if I gotta drag you to rehab myself. And as I'm takin' you away, I'm gonna look back, and I'm gonna see that look in Lil's eyes, I'm gonna see her lookin' at you like you hang the moon…and I'm gonna throw you into rehab and not let you out until you swear on a stack of Bibles that you'll never touch that shit again. You hear me? You are _not _gonna quit on her, Ellen. _You. Ain't. Gonna. Quit."_

Scotty glared at Lilly's mother for a long moment, then suddenly realized that the rage and helplessness and unassailable grief had finally bled out of him, leaving him feeling drained and empty, every muscle in his body suddenly trembling uncontrollably. Slowly, he lowered her to the pillow and replaced the blankets, then put the ring back in its box and slipped it into his pocket once more.

This done, he grabbed a Kleenex and wrapped it around his still-bleeding hand, wincing in pain as he did so, and sank gratefully into the chair beside the bed, not caring for an instant how uncomfortable it was. To him, it felt like heaven. He was winded, perspiring with emotion, and utterly spent, but…he felt like something had lifted. He didn't know whether Ellen had heard him, supposed that if she had, he should probably regret at least three-fourths of the things he'd just said to her…but, to his surprise he didn't regret a word. He felt, for the first time since he'd known Lilly, like he'd done _something _to make up for that pathetic excuse for a childhood she'd had. He hadn't done much, but he'd done something. And, as he scrubbed his uninjured hand over his face, tucked it behind his head, and drifted off to an exhausted sleep, he felt like maybe, just maybe, it had been enough.


	36. Look What You've Done

**A/N: With Thanksgiving coming up, I may not be able to post again until next week. But, with Thanksgiving coming up, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank all of you, the readers, for sticking with, reviewing, and generally loving this story. I'm having a blast writing it, and sharing it with you all makes it that much sweeter! Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own, control, or even have a heck of a lot of influence over these characters.**

**

* * *

****Chapter Thirty-Six: Look What You've Done**

Sunlight was streaming in through the windows of the hospital room, bathing the white walls in a pale, almost unearthly, glow, when Scotty's eyes fluttered open and he began to shift uncomfortably in the chair. He groaned as he tested various muscles and joints and found them all stiff and aching, and the sudden, searing pain in his right hand made him swear viciously under his breath. Where was he, why did his hand hurt so much, and why the hell was he sleeping in this miserable excuse for a chair?

As he began to get his bearings, he suddenly became aware of steady, electronic beeps from his left. _What the_---? Oh. Right. He was in the hospital, sitting beside Ellen Rush's bed, waiting for Lilly to return. She'd already been gone for over thirteen hours, he realized with surprise as he looked down at his watch, and he sighed with relief. If she wasn't sleeping, no way in hell would she still be gone…and if she was still gone, then she must have been even more exhausted than Scotty thought she was. He smiled slightly with the satisfaction that he'd been able to do at least that much for her.

Reaching up with his uninjured hand to massage the soreness from his stiff neck, he glanced over and saw that Ellen's condition remained unchanged. But as he studied the still form under the layers of blankets next to him, then noticed the old snapshot that was still on the tray by the bed, a sudden flood of memories washed over him. The previous night, that snapshot had propelled him to a depth of pain and rage he'd never known, and, drained and numb though he was, he felt tears beginning to sting his eyes all over again. As unbidden images sprang to mind once more, images of ten-year-old Lilly running for her life, his hand unconsciously started to form a fist, but he inhaled sharply as the abused bones and tendons protested that movement with a searing, white-hot agony that made it almost impossible for him to be aware of anything else.

He whispered another curse and immediately relaxed his grip, and as the sharp, stabbing pain gradually faded to a dull, yet insistent, throbbing, he welcomed the wounds as a distraction, as something else to ponder. That sort of injury to his hand certainly wasn't a new thing for him, although he couldn't quite recall it ever being this bad, and Scotty knew from experience that the only way in the world he could have hurt it like that was if he'd punched something. Scanning the room, wondering what the hell had been on the receiving end of his fist during the emotional melee of the night before, his eyes quickly fell on the small discoloration that marred the white wall across the room. He glanced down at the Kleenex still wrapped around his hand and realized that the stain on the wall was blood. His blood.

Wincing with pain as he gingerly peeled off the temporary bandage, his heart was filled once more, not by the violently overwhelming fury and despair of the previous night, but by a deep, aching sadness, a sadness he'd certainly felt before, although it had been years. The day Elisa went missing, after Scotty spent the afternoon searching frantically for her, he'd finally found her on the stoop where he'd first laid eyes on her, and then everything had come crashing down and he'd wept inconsolably in her lap for what seemed like hours. The next day, although the frustration and anger and all the rest of it tried to resurface, he was simply too emotionally exhausted to properly feel anything except that dull ache, the knowledge that it wasn't all right, and probably never would be, no matter what anyone said.

As Scotty finally tore away the last of the Kleenex from his hand, he saw, in the full light of day, the extent of the damage. He took in his swollen, lacerated knuckles, saw the dark purple bruises and the deep red bloodstains, and realized just how far things had gone the night before. Tentatively wiggling his fingers, trying to determine his range of motion, he was stung, momentarily, by a pang of guilt, and a tiny bit of embarrassment, as he remembered the full force of his outburst. Quickly, though, his sense of righteous indignation swam to the surface and insisted, loudly, that the things he'd said to Lilly's mother were things she'd needed to hear for decades. He knew Lilly had never said them, knew no one had ever called Ellen Rush out for all the ways she'd hurt her daughter, and, dammit…_someone _needed to, whether it changed anything or not. And he knew he had no reason to expect that it would. Hell, the woman was in a coma, and he had no idea if she'd even heard a word he'd said.

_At least you did something, _his brain insisted and Scotty realized that it was absolutely right. After all the hours of being hundreds of miles away, of sitting and waiting and doing nothing but feel helpless, he'd been able to charge into the room and be there for Lilly, to catch her at the exact moment she couldn't stand up anymore, to comfort her while she wept, to make her realize that she needed to take care of herself, too…and to finally realize for himself that her childhood really was as horrible as she'd said. He felt like a fool for doubting her, but at least he'd finally accepted the awful truth. He wasn't sure what the hell he could do about it, but at least now he knew what he was dealing with. Knew the depths of her pain and her heartache…and, he told himself as he removed the stinger of regret and tossed it over his shoulder, maybe, just maybe…now Ellen knew it, too.

An insistent vibration near his hip pocket interrupted his thoughts, and Scotty reached down gingerly to remove his phone from its holster. He glanced at the caller ID, sure it was Lilly calling to chew him out for letting her sleep so long, but to his surprise, it was Kat.

"Hey, Miller," he greeted his partner. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," she quickly reassured him. "Just wanted to let you know Ted Smith just got booked."

"Just now?" Scotty asked incredulously, glancing at his watch. "You didn't stay for that, did you?"

"No," Kat answered, and Scotty was instantly relieved. He'd been so eager to book it out of the office and get to Lilly that he hadn't given his partner, the case, or anything else a second thought.

"Boss made me go home," she continued. "Nick just called and told me all about it. Took 'em 'till four AM just to get him sober enough to talk, and most of the morning to get the truth out of him."

"He confess to both of 'em?" Scotty asked.

"Yeah," Kat answered uncomfortably, paused for a second, then steeled herself and spilled the rest. "The Hillmans…called him out for drinkin' on the job, threatened to tell his superiors… so he shot 'em."

Scotty bristled. "They're the only ones who got the balls to stage an intervention, and they get shot for it?" he asked. "Sure hope that bastard gets the needle." Murders had been committed for far less, he knew, and none of them ever made any sense, but this one…this one was making that righteous indignation burn again, on a deeply personal level.

"It wasn't an intervention," Kat argued. "They just started yellin' at him, from what I understand. Yellin', threatenin' his job…"

Scotty's irritation rose even further. "Sometimes you gotta say what needs to be said, right then, or it never gets said."

Kat's mind began to whir rapidly. Something in his tone, something about the way her partner was so indignant…defensive, even…

"You at the hospital now?" she asked after a pause, and Scotty was caught off-guard by the abrupt change in topic.

"Yeah," he answered. "I made Lil go home when I got here. She ain't back yet."

Kat sighed as the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. Scotty had been alone with Lilly's mother, his pent-up anger, and very little else. She knew her partner well enough to know that his anger was like a volcano; he could only hold it back for so long, and when it had to explode, it had to explode right then, location and consequences be damned. It didn't take long for her to figure out what had happened overnight in that hospital room. She wasn't sure of the specifics, but she didn't need them. She knew Scotty, and that was enough.

Scotty sensed her hesitation, and instantly grew extremely uncomfortable.

"What?" he asked lightly, hoping to disguise his sudden uneasiness. He knew, had he been in the same room with Miller, that her eyes would practically have been boring holes through him, just as they did when she looked at a doer…except he'd done nothing wrong. At least, he was pretty sure he hadn't…

"Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did," she said softly, her voice laden with something undefinable, and Scotty was dumbfounded. How the hell did she suddenly think she knew what he did? He knew her well enough to know that she probably _had _figured it out, that she knew exactly what had taken place in that hospital room the night before, and he felt the anger rising again. What the hell business was it of hers, anyway? How dare she judge something she had nothing to do with that she hadn't even borne witness to?

"So what if I did?" he asked defensively.

"Well, do you feel better now?" she asked almost brusquely, suddenly more bitter than he'd ever heard her.

"Yeah," he answered indignantly. "I do." _What the hell is this even about? _

He heard his partner sigh heavily again, the disapproval almost tangible through the phone lines. "Just...if she wakes up, you gotta be nice," Kat informed him.

Her directive almost knocked him out of the chair entirely. Be nice? Be nice to the woman who couldn't be bothered to put down the damn bottle of vodka long enough to fix dinner for her girls? Be nice to the woman who signed the death warrant for Lilly's childhood? Be nice to the woman who forced Lilly to spend her entire life trying her damnedest to be good enough to make her mother choose her just once? Be…_nice?_

"Nice?" Scotty spat in disbelief, the mere utterance of the word leaving a foul taste in his mouth. "_Nice? _If you had any idea the kinda hell Lil's been through, no way would you be tellin' me to be nice."

After a long, uncomfortable hesitation, Kat spoke. Her voice was soft, so soft he almost had to strain to hear her, but there was no mistaking the near-lethal fury.

"Oh," she began quietly. "So I suppose one night in the company of a comatose alcoholic makes you some kinda expert on what it's like to be raised by one."

_Oh….shit. _Scotty felt all the air being sucked out of the room as he realized what he'd just said…and to whom. Of all the people he counted as friends, Kat Miller was the one who knew, better than anyone, what Lilly had been through. Oh, sure, their situations weren't exactly identical, but it was that one brief, unguarded moment in the car, when Kat had given him a glimpse into her own past, that had propelled Scotty to his realizations of the previous night, how Lilly had always played second-fiddle to her mother's addiction…and no one he could think of knew exactly what that felt like better than Kat.

"Dammit," he muttered. "Look, I didn't mean---" he began, hoping to hastily dig himself out of the hole he found himself in, but he knew just from the tone of his partner's voice as she interrupted him that it was utterly futile.

"Just…trust me. And be nice. If you can even remember how," she snapped, and then was gone.

Scotty sighed in defeat as he flipped his phone closed and stashed it in its holster, then pried himself out of the chair and wandered over to the window, gazing out at the Philadelphia skyline. When the hell would he learn to quit lashing out at innocent bystanders? When would he learn to quit hurting the people he cared about when he was upset? Lilly, Vera…and now Miller. _Dammit, Valens, it's amazin' anyone still talks to you. It's a miracle you--- _

His maelstrom of self-loathing was interrupted by a garbled moan coming from the bed behind him, and he whirled around at the sound. Ellen's eyes were starting to flutter open, and Scotty was startled by just how blue they were. Just like Lilly's. Except hers didn't display years of pain and heartache at the hands of a crap mom…

_Be nice, _he coached himself. He couldn't fix things with Miller now, couldn't fix Lilly's childhood, couldn't make Ellen be anything other than what she was, couldn't undo any of the damage…couldn't do a damn thing except what someone with experience had told him to do. And he realized he owed Kat, and Lilly, that much. Ellen was…well, he couldn't allow himself to go there, not if he wanted to succeed in his mission to be nice, but she was still Lilly's mother. She was still the woman who had, for better or for worse, raised the woman he loved. He owed them all that much.

Decision made, Scotty crossed the room to the bed and looked down at the helpless woman who lay there, still glancing around, clearly wondering where the hell she was and how she got there. Her eyes finally lit on him, and she frowned in confusion.

_Be nice, Valens_, he ordered himself, fighting back the remnants of his anger and remaining silent until he could make his voice sound light and casual. He knew how important it was to be nice, but he also knew it was going to be really, really damn hard to do.

"Mornin'," he finally greeted her, with a rigid smile.

Ellen mirrored his smile with a weak one of her own. "Is there…any water?" she rasped, her voice rusty from days of disuse.

"Water," Scotty repeated blankly, then glanced around and found the pink plastic pitcher and matching glass on the table by the window. Pouring her a glass of water…well…that would certainly qualify as nice.

"Yeah, there's water," he replied, then crossed over to the table. _Surprised as hell you ain't askin' for vodka, _he wanted to snap, but his brain refused to allow that. _Shut up, Valens, _it ordered. _You're bein' nice._

In keeping with his brain's instructions, he poured a glass of water, then gently helped Ellen raise her head from the pillow long enough to sip from the straw. When she'd had a few swallows, she smiled slightly, and he returned the smile, tight and forced though it was, and placed the glass on the tray by the bed. In the process, his eyes fell on the snapshot of Lilly as a child, but he quickly forced his gaze elsewhere. Revisiting that photo, those memories…no way in hell would that help his efforts to be nice.

"You look familiar," Ellen remarked, and he glanced down to find her studying him with a slight frown, so like the one Lilly got when she was trying to figure out a case. "Do I know you?"

As he watched her puzzling over him, Scotty realized that Lilly had been right that afternoon outside Joe's Tavern. Ellen was entirely too drunk to remember their first meeting. The memory of the backhanded compliments, and outright barbs, she'd flung at Lilly that day made the anger burn in his chest anew, but he clenched his jaw and forced it away. He had to keep his bitterness, righteous though it was, far away from his thoughts, lest it sabotage his already-difficult mission.

"We met once," he explained matter-of-factly, trying hard to keep the irritation out of his voice. "I'm your daughter's boyfriend."

"Really?" Ellen asked, eyes widening with surprise.

_Yeah. Really,_ he seethed inwardly._ Your daughter's amazin'. She deserves way better than me, and she sure as hell deserves way better than you._

"Well, where is she?" Ellen continued, glancing around the room.

"I sent her home to get some sleep," Scotty explained. _Practically had to force her to leave, God alone knows why. I can barely stand bein' in the same room with you, but I know if I weren't here, she still would be, not eatin', not sleepin', showin' you the kinda love and attention you never once showed her... _

"Chris…is…_home_?" Ellen asked blearily. "When?"

Scotty froze, his bitter inner monologue silenced, at least momentarily. _Chris? _How the hell…? Crap. He realized, too late, that he'd failed to specify _which _daughter he was dating, and he almost laughed aloud at the irony.

"No…I'm not…it ain't Chris," he explained hastily. "It's Lil." Just the mention of her name made his bitterness fade slightly, at least for the moment.

"You're dating _Lilly_?" Ellen asked in amazement, but then her smile widened. "Well, good for her. I always hoped she'd find someone. She deserves to be happy."

At her amazement, a dozen potential snarky retorts raced around his mind and screamed to be voiced, but at her last statement, Scotty was so startled that those very retorts were suddenly shocked into silence and seemed to pause, blinking in surprise and waiting to see what he'd do.

"Yeah," he agreed with feeling. "She does."

_Lilly._ The sudden thought of her slammed into him like a truck. She wasn't back yet…and she needed to know her mother had woken up.

"I gotta call her," he said, fumbling for his phone. "She's gonna wanna know you're awake."

Ellen reached out a hand to stop him, and he was startled to feel her cold fingers on his arm. "Let her sleep," she instructed softly. "She needs it."

Scotty hesitated, searching Ellen's eyes for any sign of sarcasm, any indication that some sort of backhanded compliment, or outright insult, was about to follow her seeming concern. He saw no artifice in their depths, however, just a genuine, silent plea.

"You're right," he agreed slowly, sliding the phone back into its holster while still scrutinizing Lilly's mother. Did she…actually have her daughter's best interests at heart for once in her miserable, vodka-soaked existence? Was that even _possible?_

_For God's sake, shut up, Valens. You're bein' nice._

"You been seein' her long? Lilly?" Ellen asked.

"Over a year now," Scotty replied, eyeing her with suspicion. He wasn't sure where she was going with this, but he was more than ready to leap in and defend Lilly from any snide remark her mother cared to make.

Much to his surprise, Ellen beamed, at least, as much as she could in her weakened state, and Scotty could see that, had she been healthy, that dazzling smile would have nearly rivaled Lilly's. _So that's where she got it, _he realized, and, to his amazement, he felt his heart starting to soften just a bit.

"So…how'd she find you?" Ellen asked, and Scotty's soul warmed at the memories of those early days with Lilly. When he was focusing on her, basking in how wonderful she was, how much joy she brought to his life, and how deeply he loved her…he suddenly found that being nice to her mother didn't take such a Herculean effort.

"I know her from work," he began with a smile, sinking down into the chair and pulling it closer to Ellen's bed. "It was right after she started workin' the cold jobs…"

* * *

Lilly awoke, snug and warm in her own bed, and sleepily scratched both cats behind the ears. She had no idea what time it was, and she didn't care. She was more rested than she'd felt in quite some time, more relaxed, more at peace, less like the weight of the world was on her shoulders…God, she felt great.

_Maybe I can share some of this good mood with Scotty, _she thought, as she rolled over to greet him with a kiss. _A kiss…or maybe more_…she was sure they still had some time before they had to report to work.

But Scotty's side of the bed was cold and empty, and Lilly sat up suddenly, remembering. Scotty…Scotty was in Virginia…with Miller. No, wait…he'd come back…she'd seen him since then…so why the hell wasn't he…?

The answer dawned on her, and she glanced at the clock and swore mightily. She'd been home, asleep, for almost fifteen hours. With another epithet, she leaped from bed, startling both cats, who jumped, then meowed indignantly as Lilly dashed around the room, frantically getting dressed and cursing herself under her breath for being asleep so long. Scotty had had to spend the entire night, and all of this morning, alone with her mother, and even though Ellen was comatose, that wasn't a task Lilly would have wished on even her worst enemy, let alone the man she loved more than anything in the world. Caring for her mother was _her_ responsibility. It always had been, and damned if she was going to let anyone else take over for that. Lilly knew how to handle her mother. What the hell must it be like for Scotty?

_Calm down, Rush, _Lilly reminded herself. _If anything had happened, Scotty would have called. You know that. And, _her brain suddenly pointed out, _what if part of the reason you feel so damn good this morning is because you finally learned how wonderful it is to let someone who loves you help you every once in a while?_

Lilly didn't have an answer for that, nor did she have time to come up with all the dozen and a half arguments she was sure would have refuted her brain's contention had she been of enough presence of mind to think of them. Instead, she fumbled for the phone and frantically dialed Scotty's number, but all she got was his voicemail. She swore under her breath again, pulled her hair back in a ponytail, grabbed her keys, and hurried down the stairs.

* * *

A few minutes later, Lilly raced down the hospital hallway, her soul filling with guilt for leaving Scotty with her mother so long. Despite his claims that he could sleep anywhere, she knew from experience that, in that chair, anyway, he wouldn't have been able to sleep a wink, hell, he probably hadn't eaten, and she'd be amazed if he was even still speaking to her, after having spent the entire night dealing with _her _mess, with _her _problems, problems she hadn't ever wanted anyone else to even see, let alone deal with…but she stopped short when she heard laughter bleeding out into the hallway.

Laughter. Two voices, laughing.

One, she knew without even having to think, was Scotty's. From the day they met, his laughter had always warmed her heart, even more so now that she heard it that much more often. And the other voice…the other voice belonged to her mother.

Ellen was…laughing. That meant she was awake.

And Scotty was laughing…_with_ her? That couldn't be right.

_They're just watching TV_, Lilly reasoned as she shoved open the door. They had to be.

But she froze again when she entered the room. The laughter stopped abruptly, and her mother and Scotty both looked up. A wide, eager smile filled Scotty's face when he saw her.

"Hey, sunshine," he said easily, as though he hadn't just spent the entire night wedged uncomfortably in a cheap plastic chair.

"Hey," she replied after a pause, still mystified at the fact that her boyfriend…and her mother…had been…_laughing_? Together? About…_what, _for God's sake? Lilly was suddenly afraid to know the answer.

"Mom," she said, eyes wide with surprise as she studied her mother. "You're awake."

"I am awake," Ellen agreed, as cheerfully as someone who'd just emerged from a coma could.

"Well, then, what the---why the hell didn't somebody call me?" Lilly sputtered. "You let me sleep way too long."

In response, Scotty and Ellen exchanged a glance that, frankly, unnerved Lilly. It was one that told of unspoken agreements, of some sort of…good God…_bonding_…that had taken place between the two of them. It was even worse than she'd feared. Her mother had already sunk her claws into Scotty, already fooled him into thinking she was something she wasn't, already won him over to her side. Just like she had with Chris, and Patrick, and everyone else.

"What the hell's goin' on here?" Lilly demanded fiercely, and Scotty couldn't help but chuckle.

"Your mom wouldn't let me call you, Lil," he explained. "She said you needed your sleep."

"You never did get enough sleep, Lilly," Ellen agreed.

Crap. It was just as she'd feared. They were on the same side. Of all the possible scenarios Lilly had imagined during the frantic drive from her place to the hospital, this…the bonding, the laughter…sure as hell hadn't been one of them. She was suddenly afraid of what they might have talked about. She knew Scotty was nosy, and she knew her mother loved to tell stories….

"Dammit," Lilly exploded, glaring first at Scotty, then turning her gaze toward Ellen. "How long have you been awake?" she demanded.

"It's only been an hour or so," Scotty replied with a casual shrug.

"An _hour_?" Lilly nearly shrieked, glancing helplessly from her boyfriend to her mother and back. "And nobody called me?"

"Most important part of carin' for a patient is carin' for yourself, Lil," Scotty replied, with his trademark cocky grin. Lilly could have smacked him, but she realized that she could deal with him later. Her mother was awake, and that meant she had a far more important task ahead of her: effectively sentencing Ellen to death.

Instantly, Scotty sensed the change in Lilly's mood, and he shot her a brief glance of concern, then rose from his chair and politely excused himself. "Ellen, me and Lil gotta talk for a second, and then I'm gonna go see about gettin' us some breakfast and give you two ladies some time to catch up."

"That…sounds nice," Ellen said, smiling broadly at Scotty, and before Lilly could get a word in edgewise, he gently grasped her elbow and escorted her out into the hallway.

Once the door had clicked shut, she turned on him before he even had a chance to open his mouth.

"What the hell were you sayin' in there?" she asked, her voice instantly taking on the icy edge she used with suspects.

Scotty chuckled and raised both hands in a gesture of surrender. "I was just gettin' to know your mom, is all," he answered innocently. _Too_ innocently, Lilly realized instantly. _He's hiding something._

"Did she remember you?" Lilly asked.

"No," Scotty replied automatically. "Acted like she'd never seen me before."

"Did she ask?" Lilly demanded.

"Yeah…she asked…said she wasn't expectin' such a good-lookin' guy waitin' for her when she woke up. Told me she didn't know if it was Heaven or Hell, but wherever it was, she thought she'd stay for awhile," Scotty replied, shooting her an even cockier grin than before.

Lilly sighed, but was forced to crack a very slight smile. That was her mother, always looking for a man.

"Did you…tell her what the doctors said?" Lilly asked him, her gaze fierce once more.

"No," Scotty answered softly, dropping the smile and gently wrapping his arms around Lilly's slender waist. He wasn't sure whether or not that was the answer she wanted, but he'd decided, moments after Ellen woke up, not to tell her anything, at least, not until he talked to Lil. He figured he'd already involved himself far too deeply in the drama between mother and daughter, and he hoped to God Lilly wouldn't figure out just how deeply. He wasn't at all sure how she'd react, but if the disapproval he'd sensed from Miller over the phone earlier had been any indication, it wouldn't be as favorable as he might have hoped.

"Good," Lilly responded, her voice more firm than Scotty expected, and he gazed deep into her eyes, his own dark with concern.

"You sure you wanna do this?" he asked. If there was anything, anything at all he could do to spare Lilly from further pain, he'd give everything he had to be able to do it…but he had a sneaking suspicion that she was going to insist on taking care of this herself.

Lilly looked into his eyes, read the compassion there, and was touched to her very soul. He didn't view caring for her, shouldering some of her responsibilities, as a burden at all. In fact, as she looked into his chocolate eyes, she realized that…he seemed almost…satisfied. Fulfilled, somehow.

_Of course he's satisfied, _her brain gloated. _All he's ever wanted to do is help you, and you finally let him._

Love for him flooded her heart as she gazed up at him in amazement. Scotty…how the hell did she luck into having this wonderful man fall so madly in love with her? She smiled at him, then reached up and kissed him tenderly. He was surprised, but quickly recovered, tightening his grip around her and deepening the kiss as though he was dying of thirst and she was his water.

After a few seconds, Lilly reluctantly pulled away from him and gazed into his eyes again. He had a peculiar look there, one she couldn't quite identify. It seemed to peer into her very soul; she felt almost naked, like she didn't have any secrets from him anymore, and she wondered what the hell that was about…but she didn't have much time to contemplate it. If she got lost in thought, she'd get distracted, possibly even chicken out, and she'd never deliver the news to her mother.

"I have to, Scotty," she told him simply. "And I have to do it alone. I just…" she trailed off, not sure how to explain things to him in thirty seconds or less, then decided it just wasn't possible. "I have to," she repeated.

Scotty started to argue, but stopped himself. He knew it would be futile. He knew that Lilly was probably right; she knew her mother better than anyone else did, and she knew best how to deal with Ellen.

_But_…his heart protested. _You saw what happened to her. You know what she's been through. Surely you can spare her this. No way she's got it in her to_…but a glance into her sapphire eyes told him that, curiously enough, she seemed to. He realized that the panic-stricken ten-year-old he'd seen in his mind the night before, although still present, had grown into a strong, determined woman. The helpless expression he'd seen in her eyes was gone, replaced by a quiet strength, and, if he wasn't mistaken, the peace that came from finally getting a good night's sleep.

Yes, she was right. She could do this on her own…and, Scotty realized with a sigh of defeat, that he had to let her.

"I'm here for you," he told her, looking deep into her eyes, willing her to understand. "You know that."

Lilly nodded, and he pulled her into an embrace. "You need me, you just call, and I'll be here," he murmured against her hair.

"I know you will," Lilly responded, pulling back to gaze into his eyes, and he saw the truth in her expression. He saw, in a single glance, how much he'd been able to help her by showing up when he did, and how much that had meant to her. She really had learned how to lean on him, to let him in, to let him help. _Finally._

"But…" she said, her eyes suddenly hardening a bit, "…you need to head downstairs to the ER and get that hand X-rayed."

_Crap. _He'd been hoping she wouldn't notice, but he knew her well enough to know that that was a ridiculous notion. Of course she'd notice. He was surprised it took her this long. Scotty couldn't help grimacing in pain as Lilly gently took his right hand from her shoulder and hissed in sympathy when she saw the swollen, broken skin.

"Dammit, Scotty," she said softly, lifting her concerned gaze from his hand to his eyes. "What the hell did you hit this time?"

Scotty yanked his hand back as gingerly as he could. "It's nothin'," he replied.

"Nothin' my ass," she replied, still studying his wounds. "You'll be damn lucky if it's not broken."

"I'm _fine_," he insisted.

"Uh-huh," Lilly replied skeptically as she studied him. There was only one way, one way in the world, that Scotty would have hurt his hand like that. She knew there was something he wasn't telling her, that much had been obvious since they'd been out in the hallway, but she couldn't, for the life of her, fathom what. Too many things weren't adding up…too much wasn't making sense…but she didn't have time to figure it out. Not then. Not when her mother was waiting for her death sentence.

Scotty's heart leaped into his throat as Lilly continued to hold his hand and fix him with that famous scrutinizing gaze. He knew she wasn't buying his story, but he'd be damned if he let her know what had really happened. He had a lie at the ready, had a story about their pain-in-the-ass suspect all ready to go, but, after a moment, she relaxed her gaze, and he sighed inwardly with relief. Whatever interrogation he was about to get, she'd apparently decided that now wasn't the time.

A small smile crossed her face as she gently released his hand. "You better get down to the ER," she repeated.

"I'm fine," he insisted, but she silenced him with a glare.

"Do it, now, or I'll call Miller and get her to _make_ you," she threatened with a slight smile.

Miller…oh, crap. The memory of his earlier ill-advised remark suddenly stung his heart with regret, and he realized that, in addition to fixing his broken hand, he needed to fix the broken relationship with his partner. He couldn't tell Lilly about that, either, not without spilling the rest, and he realized that, regardless of whatever damage he might have caused between her and Ellen…there was a small chance, with the appropriate amount of groveling, that things with his partner, at least, could return to some vague semblance of normal.

"Fine," he agreed, "but I'm leavin' my phone on. And if you need me, I don't care where the hell I am, I'll come runnin', you hear me?" He leveled her with a gaze, and Lilly read in the depths of his eyes an earnestness that had never quite been there before. She wasn't sure what the hell had happened during his night with her mother, but something was different about his demeanor…he seemed…settled somehow, even though she could tell from the ebony cast of his eyes that things weren't quite all right. _What the hell is he hiding from me? _she wondered.

_First things first, Rush. Get in there before you chicken out._

Lilly kissed her boyfriend once more, then gave him a gentle shove. "Go get that hand looked at," she ordered softly, and Scotty grinned, saluted her with his good hand, and headed off down the hallway.

Lilly watched him retreat, breathed a silent prayer of thanks, then steeled herself and headed into Ellen's room.


	37. Say

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, Scotty wouldn't be flirting with a 20-year-old, and Lilly wouldn't be stalking her dad.**

* * *

**Chapter 37: Say**

_Even if your hands are shakin'_

_And your faith is broken_

_Even as the eyes are closin'_

_Do it with a heart wide open_

_Say what you need to say_

A few minutes later, Scotty climbed gingerly from his car, having driven from the hospital to Kat's apartment to where he was now using only his knees and his left hand. He'd have been proud of his accomplishment had it not been for the fact that his injured right hand was really, _really_ starting to hurt. The persistent throbbing was almost enough to make him visit the ER first, but the guilt in his heart wouldn't allow him that. Not yet. Not until he fixed things with Miller.

He'd first tried his partner's apartment, where he'd been met by her mother. She'd told him that Kat and Veronica were taking advantage of the unseasonably mild temperatures and brilliant sunshine to head to their favorite park, and so he'd driven there. As he got out of the car, he realized that Kat hadn't been the only mother with this idea, as several children and parents basked in the sunshine, enjoying the respite from cabin fever. A quick scan around the playground, sure enough, revealed Veronica and a couple other kids clambering over the jungle gym, and to his left, on a wooden bench beneath a tree, her arms folded across her chest, sat his partner. She looked lost in thought, watching Veronica, but not really watching, just staring off into space.

Carefully, Scotty approached the bench, hesitating for just a moment before taking any further action. She didn't turn around or in any way acknowledge his presence , and Scotty, in a brief irrational moment, hoped that maybe, if he was quiet, she wouldn't know he was there, and he could potentially gauge her mood and, if necessary, beat a hasty retreat.

_Don't be an idiot, Valens, _his brain chided him. Despite the fact that she didn't seem to notice him, there was no way in hell she didn't know he was there. She was too good a cop for that, he realized; she was just ignoring him.

_You've come too far to chicken out now, _he coached himself, and finally, he summoned his courage and took a seat on the other end of the bench, intentionally leaving several feet between them. Though Kat still didn't acknowledge his presence, her folded arms tightened just a bit and her shoulders stiffened. Scotty didn't say anything, deciding to wait and see if she'd make the first move, but the painfully awkward silence stretched for what seemed like an eternity.

_Shit, Valens, _Scotty told himself. _You really screwed up this time._

As if she'd heard his thoughts, Kat finally spoke.

"You come here lookin' for perverts to beat up?" she snapped, still not even glancing in his direction. "'Cause I'm afraid we're fresh out."

"No," Scotty replied honestly as he looked up at her. "I'm…lookin' for you."

Kat snorted derisively. "Me? What the hell you lookin' for me for? Ain't you supposed to be with Lil?" she demanded, still not meeting his gaze.

Scotty sighed. She sure wasn't going to make this easy for him. Not that he had any right to expect that, he realized. Kat Miller didn't share things with people. She just _didn't_. And yet…she'd chosen to share something deeply personal and unbelievably painful with him, just to help him understand Lilly better…and he'd turned around and crapped all over it. Dammit. He wished she'd yell, wished she'd tell him off, wished she'd just…be Kat Miller. This silent treatment…that spoke volumes.

"I had somewhere else I needed to be," he told her quietly. After a pause, he grinned slightly and tried to break the tension. "Plus, y'know…Lil kicked me out."

"Can't say I blame her," Kat muttered without missing a beat.

Scotty knew that remark was carefully calibrated and aimed at his soft spot with the sole purpose of hurting him, and normally it would have stung like hell, but, to his surprise, he felt more relief than anything else. She was at least talking to him again. Granted, her words were mean-spirited and laced with hurt and bitterness, not at all like her usual jovial snark, but he decided to accept it for what it was and be grateful for it.

They lapsed once more into silence, although it seemed just a touch less uncomfortable than it had been moments before. Seeing his partner turn slightly, he followed Kat's gaze toward Veronica, who had taken her place as queen of the jungle gym, calling orders to her loyal subjects below. The joy on her face and the exuberant sparkle in her eyes warmed Scotty's heart and made him smile in spite of everything. _This_ was what childhood should be. _This_ was what Lilly should have had, what Kat should have had…what he'd had, and taken for granted.

"Veronica looks like she's havin' a good time," he ventured hopefully, only to meet that stone wall of silence once more. He figured, though, that if his attempts at conversation weren't welcome, she'd have told him, in no uncertain terms, to get the hell away from her, so he took her silence as assent and continued.

"I know what it's like to grow up like she is," Scotty began, not daring to look in his partner's direction. "My parents worked long hours at the restaurant… sometimes they were already gone when I got up for school and didn't get home till after I went to bed. Hell, I saw a lot more of my grandma than my mom for a lotta years. But...I was happy, 'cause I knew they loved me. They made time for me…just like you do for her. I dunno how they did it, and I dunno how you do it, either."

Kat was still silent, but Scotty couldn't help but notice, by way of a surreptitiously stolen glance, that the tension in her shoulders seemed to have eased slightly. Bolstered by this slight evidence that she might potentially be thawing, he went on.

"So…someone who grows up like that…no way in hell can they possibly know what it's like to grow up thinkin' you ain't loved. Like…you and Lil did," he said tentatively, knowing he was treading on very, very thin ice, broaching the very subject that had caused so much pain for everyone involved. Still, though, he had to get this off his chest, regardless of the outcome.

Taking a deep breath, he plunged ahead. "And when we finally figure that out...when we finally gotta take off our rose-colored glasses and see, first-hand, the kinda hell people we love went through when they were kids…we lash out and say stupid shit that we got no right to say."

With a pause, Scotty stole another glance at his partner, noticed that she seemed to have thawed further, and was even more encouraged.

"I…I didn't wanna know how bad Lil had it…or how bad you had it," he continued, looking up at the gnarled old oak beside them. "Lil told me some stuff, way back on my third job, but I didn't believe it. Didn't _wanna _believe it…'cause if it was true, if it really had been that bad…I didn't think I could handle it."

He trailed off then, the grief from the previous night dangerously close to resurfacing. For a moment, he idly wondered if maybe a tear or two might aid his cause, but he quickly banished the thought and retracted the ones that had started to fill his eyes. _What the hell, Valens? You a woman all of a sudden?_

So focused was he on getting his emotions under control that he almost missed the soft question from the woman next to him.

"So…that what happened to your hand?" she asked.

Scotty glanced up in surprise, and, fortunately for him, she elaborated. "Last night…when you figured out that it really was that bad."

"Yeah," Scotty agreed huskily, willing the persistent images of a battered, bruised, and panic-stricken ten-year-old Lilly out of his mind.

"And?" she pressed.

He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. "It's killin' me," he replied huskily.

"I know," Kat agreed, her tone heavy with the pain of her own memories.

Scotty took a shaky breath. "I _know…_that you know," he said, finally meeting her eyes, willing her to understand the significance of what he was telling her, "…and that's killin' me, too."

His partner remained silent, but it wasn't the stony, unyielding silence from earlier. It was a silence of acceptance…perhaps even…forgiveness?

Scotty's heart lightened slightly. "I thought about bringin' you one of those coffee concoctions you need a spoon for," he said with a wry smile, "but that ain't even gonna begin to cover it. You don't…_you _don't share with people. And you shared with me…which you didn't have to do…and I just…" he trailed off, sighed, then glanced up at her again. "I'm sorry."

Kat didn't say anything for a long moment, then turned to face him, for the first time since he'd sat down, fixed him with a peculiar expression, and asked him a direct question. "So…were you nice?"

Taken aback, Scotty blinked in surprise. He'd sort of expected her to at least acknowledge the fact that he'd apologized, to tell him that there was no way in hell flimsy words could make up for what he'd said, for how badly he'd hurt her, but she'd just changed the subject. He didn't have a clue what to do with that.

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

"To Ellen," Kat continued, a strange sort of urgency coloring her voice. "Were you nice?"

Scotty sighed and tried to buy some time. How the hell could he even begin explain what had happened? He knew his partner didn't approve of whatever she thought he'd done, and the fact that she knew how he'd hurt his hand only added fuel to the fire. Part of him wanted to tell her everything, to make her understand, because if she understood what he'd done, then there was a chance Lil might, too…but if she didn't…

The soft voice of his partner interrupted his thoughts.

"I hate you," she began quietly, and Scotty's head snapped up in surprise. They'd just kinda made up, hadn't they…?

"That's the last thing I said to my dad before he died," Kat explained. "Last words he ever heard me say. Two days later, they found him dead on the couch with a couple empty bottles of tequila. That was his drink."

Scotty's heart filled with compassion as she continued, her voice slightly tremulous and heavy with regret. "And I keep thinkin' maybe if I hadn't said that, he'd…"

Oh, those words were familiar. He knew the road she was going down. The road of self-blame and second-guessing and agonizing what-ifs...hell, he _lived _on that road, and he'd be damned if his partner moved in next door.

"Oh, Kat…" he began, his voice full of sympathy and understanding, "you can't think that was your fault. You just…you can't," he repeated.

"What, I'm supposed to think that's just some kinda coincidence?" she snapped back.

He met her eyes, willing her to somehow understand what he'd never been able to wrap his own mind around.

"Look," he began slowly. "When someone decides to end it all…it's never just one thing. It _can't _be just one thing. And…you were a kid. You didn't know any better. You didn't…" he trailed off, then reiterated his earlier point. "It ain't your fault."

Kat sat in silence as she considered his words, and Scotty was encouraged that she did, indeed, seem to be thinking about what he'd said. It occurred to him that perhaps no one had ever spoken those words aloud to her, at least, not when she was in a place where she could hear them.

"This'd be a whole lot more convincing comin' from someone other than you," she retorted softly, and Scotty nearly fell off the bench. They were talking about her dad. Her situation. Not his. Not Elisa. And he couldn't talk about Elisa. He couldn't go there. Not now. Not today.

Kat read the dark shadows of pain and fear in his eyes, and quickly moved to reassure him. "Look," she began firmly. "All I'm sayin' is I know you still blame yourself, too. And if you're gonna convince me that my dad ain't my fault, then you better start believin' that Elisa's not your fault, either. She was sick, Scotty."

"So was your dad," he replied with a glare.

"My dad did it to himself," Kat shot back.

"Elisa quit fightin'," Scotty snapped.

"Least you didn't tell her you hated her," Kat muttered.

"Least you stuck around long enough to tell him how you felt," he retorted.

Their eyes met then, and they sat there in silence, just staring at one another as the common bond they shared, and the implications of what they'd just blurted out, began to sink in. Scotty could see his partner's eyes beginning to soften, much as he knew his own must have been. He wasn't sure he'd ever stop blaming himself, stop believing that there was something he could have done to save Elisa, but it was just beginning to dawn on him that there was a chance she'd played a part…a chance that maybe her blood wasn't only on his hands…

"You might be right," Kat began slowly, echoing his own thoughts, "but I still…wish I hadn't told him that. So…when I said to be nice, that was me wishin' I could go back and change things."

"I was, y'know," Scotty replied. "Lil's mom woke up this mornin'…and I was nice."

Kat's eyes widened in surprise. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Yeah," he responded with a slight smile. "It was…it was hard at first, but then, we got started talkin', and…Lil had it bad, but…it wasn't _all _bad."

"It never is," Kat agreed, her voice soft and faraway.

They were interrupted then by Veronica running up to them both, and Scotty regarded her with a warm smile. "Hey, Detective Scotty," she greeted him, then turned her attention to her mother. "You wanna swing me now, Mama?" she asked eagerly.

"Sure, baby," Kat replied, her voice suddenly light and full of love. "You go pick out a good one, and I'll be there in second, okay?"

Veronica nodded and scampered off, and Kat turned to Scotty. "I think I'm bein' summoned," she remarked with a grin as she rose to leave.

"Are we…okay?" Scotty asked, looking up at her hopefully.

Kat paused slightly, mostly just to make him squirm. "You gotta do two things for me," she finally declared.

"Name 'em," Scotty shot back with relief. He'd do anything to get back in his partner's good graces.

"Number one," she said, shifting her weight to one hip and eyeing him critically. "You gotta go get that hand looked at, and if it's broken, you gotta find some other patsy to stick your paperwork on, 'cause no way in hell am I workin' overtime to fill out your damn forms."

"Done," Scotty grinned, and Kat smiled slightly, then turned to leave.

"And number two?" he called after her.

Kat turned around, her smile in full force this time, and Scotty felt a huge weight beginning to lift from his shoulders.

"You owe me coffee, Man Candy," she informed him. "Spoon and all."

Scotty grinned broadly. "You got it," he replied.

* * *

Lilly was just about to push open the door to her mother's room when a nurse approached from behind. Almost apologetically, she explained that she just needed to check Ellen's vitals, change out a couple of IVs, and then she'd be on her way, and Lilly nodded silently, simultaneously grateful for, yet resentful of, the intrusion. Nervously, she paced the hallway, trying to prepare herself for what lay ahead, but realizing, with a sense of bitter frustration, that there really wasn't any way to prepare. Not for this. She just had to do it, had to jump in with both feet and deliver the blow, and that sense of dread that was chilling her to her very soul wouldn't go away until she did. With this realization, she gritted her teeth and willed that vapid nurse out into the hallway, and within a few seconds, the nurse reappeared, giving Lilly a slight smile. Lilly nodded in reply, murmured her thanks, and without any further hesitation, leaned into the door and headed inside.

She'd thought she was as prepared as she could be for the task at hand, thought she'd collected herself enough to do what she had to do, but when she entered the room and her eyes fell on the frail figure lying in the hospital bed, propped up with pillows, she stopped short as the reality sank in. Oddly enough, Lilly realized that, when her mother was in the coma, the situation seemed far more hopeful than it was now. Before Ellen awoke, she didn't have a decision to make. If she died in the coma, it wouldn't have been her choice, at least, not directly. But now…even though her mother was awake, had been talking and even laughing with Scotty mere moments before…Lilly had never felt such a sense of finality as she did in that moment.

"There's my girl," Ellen greeted Lilly, her voice still raspy from days of not being used. Days of not being used because she'd been either in a medically-induced coma or passed out on the floor, Lilly realized, and with that, she felt more anger than anything else. Anger that her mother had abused alcohol and her own body for so many decades that it had come to this, late-stage cirrhosis of the liver, and Lilly had to deliver what, she realized with a stab of bitterness, would probably be the worst news Ellen had ever received. She couldn't touch alcohol again, or it would be her death sentence. She'd already lost four husbands, countless boyfriends, an untold number of jobs, and two daughters to vodka…everything she cared about was long since destroyed. Her very life? Lilly chuckled bitterly as she realized that Ellen would probably consider that worth even less than the rest.

For a long moment, Lilly stood frozen in the doorway, dreading with every ounce of her being the news she'd have to relay. She'd tried begging, she'd tried pleading, she'd tried getting rid of the liquor, pouring it down the sink while Ellen was out, hiding it, tossing it in the neighbors' trash…but nothing had worked in the thirty years Lilly had been trying, and she held onto very little hope that this would work, either. Oh, sure, Ellen might agree at first, like she always did, but she'd insist on going back to her apartment, where she was alone a large portion of the day, and Lilly knew that before the week was out, her mother's already feeble willpower would suffocate under the weight of the addiction that had fueled, and destroyed, her body for decades.

As she took a few cautious steps toward Ellen's bed, Lilly suddenly felt an overwhelming loneliness. Where the hell was Scotty? Why had she sent him away?

_Because you need to do this on your own, _her brain reminded her sternly. _He's done enough already; he doesn't need to be dragged into…this._

Even her brain couldn't come up with the word to describe the last few decades, she realized, and with that, the grief and loneliness were swallowed by anger and bitterness once more as she slowly walked toward her mother's bed. She actually welcomed the harsher feelings; they were old friends, friends that had kept her safe, time and time again, from the overwhelming pain that lurked just beneath the surface, always threatening to burst through. Anger and bitterness she could handle, and she realized, as she reached the foot of the bed, that they were exactly the weapons she needed to wield to fight off the devastation of the news she was about to deliver.

"Congratulations, Mom," she began sarcastically. "Wound up in the hospital this time." She spread her arms wide, indicating the room as a whole. "It's better than jail, at least," she continued. "Food's probably about the same, but at least here there's a separate room for the toilet."

"Oh, get off your high horse, Lilly," Ellen retorted, as snappishly as she could. "I know, I've screwed up."

"Damn right you have," Lilly snapped in response, her eyes firing daggers at her mother. Her conscience warned her to shut up, to take it easy until her mother had recovered enough to hear the news, but Lilly ignored it. Taking it easy simply wasn't an option. Not if she wanted to get through this.

She took a deep breath and plowed ahead, not daring to meet her mother's eyes. "You've screwed up so bad, for so long, that the doctors say you can't drink again," she said, her voice soft and trembling slightly.

Ellen didn't say anything, and after a few moments, Lilly glanced over to gauge her response, but her mother's pale, crepey face betrayed no reaction whatsoever to the news.

"You hear me, Mom?" Lilly asked, a bit louder, realizing that the pain she thought she'd buried was rapidly surfacing, and she desperately hoped to cover it over with another layer of wrath. "You can't have another drink. Not one. Or you'll die. Your liver's completely shot. You've…you've pickled it, Mom."

Ellen remained silent and unresponsive, and that, to Lilly, spoke volumes.

"So you've got a choice to make," she continued, pacing the room. "You can either quit drinking, and get a few more years, or you can just drown yourself in a bottle of vodka like you have since the day Dad left. Choice is yours. But I'm not gonna just sit by and watch you kill yourself. You wanna do that, then…then this is it. You and I are done. 'Cause…" she paused, fighting the suddenly large lump in her throat as the pain burst through, "I…can't watch. I'm---I'm not that strong," she admitted, feeling the sudden sting of tears in her eyes and frantically trying to blink them away as she realized that what she'd just said, although totally unplanned, was completely and heart-wrenchingly true. No matter how strong she thought she was, she wasn't strong enough to watch her mother die.

The silence between the two women stretched for several minutes, Lilly standing at the window, leaning on the sill, brushing away her tears and looking out at the skyline. She couldn't look at her mother. Not now. Not yet. But the longer Ellen didn't say anything, the more painful, and puzzling, it was. Usually, her mother scoffed at her concerns, brushed them off as easily as Lilly brushed away the cat fur from her coat each morning…but the silence was new.

Finally, curiosity fought through the layers of everything else, and she couldn't resist the urge to turn and look at her mother. What she saw surprised her: Ellen was sitting in bed, leaning her arms on the plastic tray before her and gently fingering the edge of a faded photograph. Lilly strained to see it, but from where she was standing, she couldn't make out a thing, so, against her better judgment, she crossed the room and approached the bed for a better look.

"This is my favorite picture of you girls," Ellen began with a glance up at her daughter, her voice sounding soft and faraway. "Remember that, Lilly?"

Lilly sat down in the chair next to her mother and gently took the photo from her. For a long moment, she studied it, taking in the sunshine, the dresses, and the smiles on all their faces.

"I've never seen this picture before," she said, utterly mystified.

"I've carried that old thing around for almost 30 years," Ellen replied. "Jerry took it, remember?" she asked with a slight smile. "The car salesman? Remember how he took us all out for Easter?"

Lilly nodded, but didn't trust herself to speak . For the moment, her curiosity over why her mother would have carried that photo with her since the day it came back from the developers was overwhelmed by waves of nostalgia. Of course she remembered that day, remembered it vividly; it was as close to perfect as any she'd ever had. Easter Sunday, the year she turned ten. Ellen had been seeing Jerry, a nice guy for a change, and they'd all gone to church, something they hardly ever did. Church had been wonderful, full of music and smiles and and a sense of peace she hadn't really had before or since…and then Jerry had taken them all out to lunch at a place that was far nicer than anything Lilly had ever seen. Later that day, they'd all gone to the park, basked in the sunshine that warmed their faces and glittered brilliantly off the lake's sapphire waves, and fed the ducks. Lilly had wished, as she tossed a handful of bread crumbs to a small white duck that swam by itself, several yards away from the rest of the flock, that the day could last forever. She hadn't remembered that any part of it had been captured on film, and a wave of wistful longing washed over her as she studied the photo, remembering that one blissful moment she'd all but forgotten about.

Of course, she realized bitterly, forgetting about it had been a conscious decision. Remembering the blissful perfection of that day made what followed two weeks later even more agonizing. It wasn't painful enough that she'd never had happiness, no, the worst part was having had it, and then having had it all snatched away.

"He was one of the good ones," Ellen reminisced fondly, bursting through Lilly's reverie. "I thought…I thought we were gonna make it."

"I know, Mom," Lilly said quietly.

"Left a week and a half later, I'm sure you remember that," Ellen continued, her voice taking on a slightly bitter edge.

"I remember," Lilly replied tentatively, wondering where, exactly, her mother was going with this.

"That was right before you…were attacked," Ellen went on, the bitterness gone and replaced with a deep sadness, the likes of which Lilly had never heard before.

Frozen to the spot, Lilly could only stare in utter disbelief. Her mother had always denied the severity of what happened, always brushed it off as an accident, the result of Lilly's own natural recklessness. And, Lilly realized, that had hurt even more than the rest.

Ellen met Lilly's startled gaze then, her own eyes clouding with regret.

"I always knew that's what happened to you, Lilly," she said softly, reaching out and grasping her daughter's hand. "I wasn't blind."

"So you hid in your room for two days straight drinkin' yourself silly while Ray made me milkshakes?" Lilly replied incredulously. "You lied to the cops, to the doctors, to everyone, for thirty years?"

"I'm not proud of it," Ellen retorted. "But I couldn't face what I did. I couldn't look at those bruises, those broken teeth…knowing they were my fault."

Lilly sat in stunned silence, trying to absorb her mother's words, words she'd always longed to hear, but never dreamed she actually would, and wondering why the hell she was hearing them now.

"I failed you," Ellen concluded quietly, her voice heavy with regret. "Over and over."

With that, Lilly's heart sank to the floor. Suddenly, she knew why her mother was making amends. She'd made her decision. This was it…this was the end. Lilly felt her bitterness fading rapidly, replaced by, not the pain of all the wounds she'd been dealt as a child, but the deep, heart-wrenching sadness of goodbye.

_Goodbye._

How the hell was she supposed to say goodbye to her mother? Despite her faults, despite her flaws, she was the one constant in Lilly's life. Her father, her sister, even Ray, had all eventually left…but her mother, for better or for worse, had stayed. How was she supposed to go on without that?

Suddenly, Lilly remembered one cold winter night, when she'd first told Scotty about her childhood. He hadn't believed her, he'd insisted that there must have been something good, that her past couldn't have been as bad as she'd thought it was.

_You're tellin' me not once did you have fun with your mom? I mean, not once did you feel…some kinda love?_

After they'd closed that case, Lilly had been forced to admit that he was right, and now…now that she'd been confronted with one of the most blissful memories she had, she realized that there were others, and in a flash, she knew how to say goodbye.

"It…wasn't all bad," Lilly argued with a slight smile, a smile she hoped would hide her pain, but knowing there was no way in the world it would. "We had some good times, you and me. Remember the time we made snow angels?" she asked, her voice tremulous. "Remember The Velveteen Rabbit, Mom? Remember how many times you read that to me?"

"You used to make me read that to you over and over," Ellen recalled with a wistful smile. "Couldn't believe you never got tired of that silly old book."

"It wasn't the book, Mom," Lilly replied quietly. "It was…you." She looked deep into her mother's eyes, willing her to understand that was she loved most wasn't the story, it was the closeness; snuggling up next to her mother, breathing her perfume, feeling safe and secure and loved, even if it was only for a few moments.

"We had some good times, didn't we?" Ellen asked hopefully.

"Yeah, Mom," Lilly replied, the pain suddenly overwhelming, and she ducked her head to hide the tears. "We did."

"We haven't had nearly enough, Lilly," her mother declared, quietly but firmly, and Lilly's head snapped up in surprise. What…? What was her mother saying?

Lilly watched as Ellen took a deep breath, smiled slightly, and squeezed her hand. "I'm gonna stop drinking."

As quickly as it had come, the pain of goodbye faded, replaced with a crashing wave of anger. _I'm gonna stop drinking. _Oh, she'd heard that before. Dozens…maybe hundreds of times. And each time, it never failed to bring a surge of hope to her heart, but each time, that hope were dashed like glass to concrete, and she'd learned, over the years, to squash it as soon as it appeared, so there was a chance she wouldn't be as disappointed, a chance the pain might be bearable.

"I've heard that before," Lilly griped, her voice icy as she extricated her hand from her mother's grip.

"It's different this time," Ellen protested.

"You say that every time," Lilly retorted quietly, the words laced with all the years of dashed hopes and empty promises.

"Look, Lilly," Ellen argued quietly. "I wanna make up for what I did to you…to Chris…I wanna be your mom again, if only for a little while. I don't know how long I've got left, but I wanna make it count. I wanna see you be happy. I…I'm not gonna make you any promises that I'll never drink again, because I can't promise that. But…I can promise that…I'm gonna try. Can't you at least give me that chance?"

_Try._ That was new. Lilly had heard the promises not to drink again, she'd even watched her mother pour her vodka down the sink once or twice in an effort to prove she was serious...but a sincere promise to try? She'd never heard that before.

"I've failed you so many times, Lilly," Ellen began. "And I don't know that I won't fail you again." She took Lilly's hand again and smiled proudly. "I'm not strong like you."

Lilly felt tears blur her eyes once more as she squeezed her mother's hand. "I had to get it from somewhere," she said lightly.

Ellen smiled again, and then her eyes drifted closed. "I think I wanna…maybe…sleep for a while," she said, and Lilly realized how much that conversation really had taken out of her.

"Go right ahead," she said, placing a soft kiss on her mother's forehead. "I'll be here when you wake up."

Within seconds, Ellen was snoring softly, and Lilly was pacing the room again, trying to figure out what the hell had happened to her mother while she was in that coma. She'd never before admitted to any mistakes, at least not with any sincerity. She'd always vacillated between protesting her innocence, accusing Lilly of making things sound worse than they were, or weeping inconsolably that she was a terrible mother, but never doing anything about it. She had never before admitted to specific failures, and the one she'd pointed out, her worst mistake as a mother…that was the most surprising of all.

The attack.

Lilly sensed that her mother had always known what had happened, but never once had she even indicated she'd been upset about it. Oh, that night, she'd flown into a maternal panic, and Lilly was somewhat comforted by that, but the denial in the emergency room that was repeated, over and over throughout the decades that followed, always laying the blame on Lilly's shoulders…that had erased any comfort she'd received. When Ellen disappeared into her bedroom that night, Lilly had assumed that her mother simply didn't want to be bothered with the extra burden of taking care of her wounds. It had never once occurred to her that her mother had been so devastated by what had happened that she just couldn't face her.

Her mind still whirling with the new information she'd received, Lilly turned back toward the bed, and in doing so, her eyes fell on that snapshot lying on the tray. Sinking down into the chair, she picked up the photo and started to study it. As she flipped it over and read the faded scrawl on the back with the names and dates, a thought occurred to her, and she lowered the picture, frowning with confusion. Ellen had been looking at the photo that morning. It hadn't been there when Lilly had left the night before, she was sure of that…so where had it come from?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the creak of the door as the nurse from earlier came in, smiled apologetically, then reached into her pocket and withdrew a small card, which she handed to Lilly.

"The night nurse forgot to bring this back to you," she explained. "We had to run another copy of the insurance card."

Absently, Lilly thanked the nurse, who left as quietly as she'd come, and reached down to retrieve her mother's purse and replace the insurance card. As she slid the card back into Ellen's wallet, her eyes suddenly fell on an empty plastic sleeve, one that was the exact same size as that photo.

A pair of new mysteries added themselves to the mix: her mother had been carrying that picture around in her wallet all this time? And how the hell had it gotten out of the wallet in the first place? Ellen had been in a coma until just a couple hours before, and she probably wouldn't have had the coordination to retrieve the picture herself. So how in the---?

_The night nurse forgot to bring this back to you…_

Lilly's whirling thoughts crystallized suddenly. If the _night_ nurse had been the one to request the insurance card…that could only mean that…Scotty had been the one to fish it out of the wallet.

Which meant that he'd also been the one to find the photo.

She grabbed at the snapshot again, flipping it over to read, once more, Ellen's handwriting on the back.

_Me with my girls, Easter, '79---Christina, age 4, Lilly, age 10._

Lilly stared at it for a long moment, the frustration rising with alarming speed. It was right there, all Scotty needed to put two and two together, and he hadn't. Granted, she'd never told him the date of her attack, but for God's sake, he was a detective. He could figure it out. But it suddenly became obvious to her that he'd only seen what he wanted to see. He'd seen those smiling faces, the pretty dresses, the lone remnant of Lilly's perfect day, and he'd no doubt use it as fodder for his ongoing crusade to convince her that her childhood wasn't all that bad. True, his efforts had been subdued in recent weeks, but she'd spilled her guts to him, told him her most hideous, humiliating secret, and he'd fixated instead on the fact that George Marks had already heard about it. Not that she would have wanted to talk about it with Scotty, she realized. Hell, no. She'd already done all the talking about it she ever wanted to do, and she had to admit that she was relieved when he didn't press her for more details, when he didn't hover over her because of it, when he just pretended like it hadn't happened.

But if he was literally pretending it hadn't happened…what the hell were they even, doing? Did he live in such a state of Pollyannaish denial that her attack, even that, wouldn't dampen his enthusiasm? How the hell else could he have been sitting there, laughing and chatting with her mother like they were at a damn tea party? Didn't he have a clue how badly that woman in the bed had hurt her over the years? Did he still, after all this time, after all her efforts to let him in, to make him understand, still not get it?

Her irritation was furthered when the door opened again, and the nurse appeared once more. She seemed to sense Lilly's annoyance and quickly moved to apologize.

"I'm sorry to bother you again," she began calmly, holding out a stack of colorful leaflets, "but your mother asked for these earlier, and we've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to bring them by until just now."

Lilly took the proffered leaflets and thanked the nurse, who gave Ellen a quick glance, made a note in the chart, and departed, leaving Lilly frowning in utter mystification at the colorful pages in front of her.

_One Day At A Time…_

_Serenity Health Center…_

_New Day Residential Program…_

Lilly's heart began to race as she realized that they were all information packets…for in-patient alcohol rehabilitation facilities. She lowered the brochures and just stared, wide-eyed, at her mother.

Rehab. Her mother had never once mentioned rehab. Oh, she'd tried to quit on her own, dozens of times, even making it to a handful of AA meetings, but the efforts had been largely on her own, half-hearted, and with little to no outside support. Despite her lingering bitterness, Lilly couldn't really blame her mother for her lack of success. But rehab? Rehab was new…rehab was different…good Lord, her mother was actually serious.

But…how the hell had rehab even occurred to her? What the hell had happened to her while she was in that coma? Lilly had heard of people having near-death experiences, coming out of them, and turning their lives around, but she never in a million years thought it would happen to someone she knew.

_Get a grip, Rush. These brochures don't mean crap, _a bitter voice reminded her.

But, for the first time in her life, Lilly wasn't so sure that voice was right. Her mother had mentioned her attack. She'd named it for what it was...how had that occurred to her? She hadn't raised a word of protest, not one, when Lilly had told her she couldn't drink again. And now this rehab thing…

Suddenly, Lilly became altogether uncertain as to what had happened in that room. Oh, sure, Scotty was laughing and joking with her mother that morning, but he'd been alone with her all night. Had he…said something? Done something?

Lilly's mind began to whirl anew. Had Scotty swooped in and done his Superman routine? Had he decided that just a casual suggestion of rehab would be enough to change thirty years of addiction and bad habits? Did he think it was that simple?

_You have no proof he said or did anything, _her inner detective reminded her. _The nurse said _your mother _asked for the brochures. Didn't mention Scotty._

Lilly sighed with a curious mixture of relief and disappointment: relief that maybe Scotty had kept his nose out of her business, but disappointment that she was right back to square one: he still didn't get it. With another irritated sigh, she lowered her head once again to peruse the rehab brochures. She could deal with Scotty later. She could----

And then she stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes suddenly drawn to a small, discolored spot on the wall opposite the bed. Grateful for the distraction, she rose from her chair and crossed the room to get a closer look. As she reached the spot, she realized, to her horror, that it was dried blood, and, suddenly panicked, she raked her eyes over her mother's still form to check for wounds.

_Don't be ridiculous, Rush, _she chided herself. _They'd have told you if she hurt herself. They'd have said something._

With this thought, and the fact that her quick once-over revealed no obvious injuries, certainly not the sort that would have bled all over the wall, Lilly began to puzzle over the stain. She examined it from several angles, feeling, for a second, like she was out on the line again, working a fresh job.

She knew she wasn't injured, and she was pretty sure her mother wasn't, so…

Oh, dear God.

_Scotty._

She'd have to have been completely blind to miss his bloodied, bruised hand, as well as the look in his eyes when she'd asked him about it. She knew Scotty, and his temper, well enough to know, without even having to think, exactly how he'd hurt himself…and, thanks to the blood on the wall, now she knew where. Beyond the shadow of a doubt.

The only thing she didn't know yet…was why.

But she was bound and determined to find out.


	38. True Colors

**A/N: The story as a whole? Still T. This chapter? Definitely M.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Not even Bailey. And I realize she's more of a surgeon than an ER doc, but I fudged a little, because the idea of a Bailey/Scotty scene was simply too much fun to pass up.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: True Colors**

_But I see your true colors  
shining through  
I see your true colors  
and that's why I love you_

"What the hell did you do to your hand?" the stout black doctor asked as she yanked the curtain back, and Scotty winced when he realized that, to his horror, he knew this particular doctor. He'd encountered Miranda Bailey once before, in solving the murder of a surgical resident, and he didn't have fond memories of the experience. It had been in the interview room, on his turf, and she'd still almost gotten the best of him. But now…he was in her domain, in the cold sterility of the emergency room, and he felt even more helpless than before. Gritting his teeth, he forced a smile. _Just get through this. Can't be that bad._

"Pickup game," he answered nonchalantly. "I think maybe it's jammed."

Dr. Bailey quirked an eyebrow at him, then applied gentle pressure to one of his swollen knuckles, just enough to make him grimace in pain and shoot her a murderous glare.

"Mm-hm," she replied, making a note in his chart. "Ain't jammed, I'll tell you that much."

A nurse came back in with his X-rays just then, and Dr. Bailey held them up to the light. "Ain't broken, either," she informed him, her tone surprised. She looked Scotty up and down once again, then continued. "You're damn lucky, you know that?"

Scotty nodded.

"'Cause don't think for a minute I don't know what you are. You're one of those damn fools who gets pissed off at somebody and thinks the best thing to do is start throwin' punches," she continued.

Completely and totally nailed to the wall, Scotty decided to attempt to salvage some scrap of what remained of his dignity. "Yeah, well…you should see the other guy," he quipped.

"There's no other guy," Bailey retorted, studying Scotty carefully as she prepared a hypodermic needle for an injection. "Injury like this comes from punchin' a solid object." At Scotty's startled look, she gently chastised him. "Don't look so surprised, Detective. You sure as hell ain't the first one of these I've seen, and you won't be the last."

Scotty eyed the needle uncomfortably. A shot. He _hated _shots. _Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse…_

"What the hell's that for?" he asked, hoping to cover his discomfort with a layer of defiance.

"Pain shot," she replied. "Trust me, you're gonna need it."

"I'm _fine_," Scotty insisted.

In response, Bailey gently pressed his knuckle again. Despite his efforts to hide it, he winced, and Bailey noticed. Of course she noticed.

"You sprained all four ligaments, genius. Badly. You think that hurts, you're gonna be cryin' like a baby when I splint this up," she informed him, and Scotty rolled his eyes and reluctantly acquiesced to the injection.

"I'll be back," she declared, then left him alone with his thoughts.

After a few minutes, the shot took effect, and, grudgingly, Scotty had to admit that it really did help. Now that there wasn't the searing pain in his hand to distract him, now that he'd cleared the air with Miller and wasn't suffocating under that particular load of guilt anymore, he was finally able to concentrate on Lilly…and Ellen.

By now, he was sure that Lil, who usually faced unpleasant tasks by blazing her way through them, had delivered the news to her mother. And, much as he ached to have been there with her, he knew she needed to do it alone. But now…now that it was over and done…now that Ellen had, no doubt, chosen vodka over her daughter one final, fatal time…now was when Lilly would need him. Scotty had no illusions that what he'd said to Ellen the night before had done any good. She'd been in a coma, and he knew that, had she been conscious, he probably wouldn't have had the courage to say three-fourths of the things he'd said to her. He probably would've urged her to consider going to rehab, he supposed, although, with a sinking heart, he realized that if the woman's own daughter, her firstborn, her flesh and blood, hadn't made any headway in that department, there wasn't a chance in hell someone she'd only met twice would be able to, either.

As Scotty tentatively wiggled his fingers and appreciated the increased range of motion he now had, he decided that the less Lilly knew about his outburst the night before, the better. He knew, from experience, that her past was something that was incredibly painful for her to talk about, and, he realized, now, he could relate. He didn't want to talk about it, either…not when the pain was so fresh, not when the anger was still so close to the surface.

Besides, who the hell knew what Lil would think if she did know? With a wry grin, he remembered her reaction the first time he'd exploded on her behalf, that time he'd punched out a suspect for looking at her like a damn piece of meat, a memory that still made his blood boil. She'd made it clear that she could fight her own battles, and he'd tried his damnedest, over the course of their relationship, to let her. And, he realized, if Kat's experiences and Lilly's history were any indication, meddling in business that really wasn't his and screaming pointlessly at a comatose alcoholic weren't exactly the best way to go about doing that.

Dr. Bailey returned then with a splint, and, as she fitted him with it, Scotty was suddenly glad he'd agreed to that shot, though it'd be a cold day in Hell before he ever gave Miranda Bailey the satisfaction of letting her know that. After accepting a prescription for painkillers and a firm directive to wear boxing gloves the next time he wanted to vent his anger on something made out of cement, he was out of the ER and heading up to Lilly's mother's hospital room.

He wasn't entirely sure what he'd be walking in on, though he supposed part of him hoped that his timing would be as brilliant as it had been the night before, when he'd arrived at the exact moment Lilly needed him the most. As he headed down the hallway, the possibilities raced through his mind. She could be numb with shock…hysterical with grief…furious with her mother…hell, he had no idea what to expect.

Upon reaching the room, Scotty knocked softly, then tentatively stepped inside. Ellen was still in bed, and appeared to be sleeping once more, though he wasn't entirely sure, because his eyes were inexorably drawn to Lilly.

She sat in the chair beside her mother's bed, puzzling over a stack of papers. When she heard him enter the room, she glanced up…and the look in her eyes made Scotty's heart stop beating entirely.

She wasn't looking at him with love, or grief, or anything else he thought he might find. Instead of the desperate adoration he'd seen the night before, or the quizzical annoyance from that morning…she'd put on that mask. That goddamn Ice Queen mask, where her eyes turned to glaciers and her heart was sealed behind concrete walls.

Scotty felt the blood drain from his face as he realized what that meant. She only gave him that look when she was furious with him. It had been weeks since he'd seen it, and the sick chill of dread washed over him as he guessed the probable reason for her anger. He could tell from her demeanor that she knew _something_, though he had no way of knowing what, exactly, or how much. His instincts, however, told him to deny whatever she accused him of. If he was already getting the Ice Queen stare from her now, what the hell would happen if she knew everything?

After regarding him suspiciously for a moment, Lilly rose from her chair, deposited the stack of papers on the tray beside her mother's bed, and crossed the room, her steps as clipped and professional as her voice when she spoke those words, those four little words that cemented, for Scotty, that absolutely nothing good could come from this.

"We need to talk," she announced as she swept past him out into the hallway.

* * *

Lilly stalked down the hall, hoping that the reluctantly trudging footsteps she heard behind her meant that Scotty was following her, but she couldn't turn around. Couldn't look at him. Not until she got everything under control. Not until she could face him with no emotion whatsoever, because that was the only way she could get to the truth.

Scotty's temper was something with which Lilly had been well-acquainted for years. Most times, especially in the interview room, he used it as another weapon in his arsenal. He was the bad cop, the aggressive one, the one who could put the fear of God into a suspect, and she was the good cop, the listening ear. It was part of what made them such a great team.

But sometimes…sometimes that anger got the better of him, and he'd lash out. Lose all control. Usually it was just a brief moment, but those brief moments could have devastating consequences. The blood on the wall was concrete evidence that he'd lashed out about _something, _and all the possible reasons and scenarios were whirling rapidly in her mind. She felt like she did at the beginning of a case, when the lists of possible suspects, and motives, were each a mile long. Usually, when she went into an interview with someone, she was cool, confident, prepared. She had her theories, and she'd present them logically, searching the person's eyes for any sign that she'd hit on the truth.

But this time, she wasn't cool. She wasn't confident. She wasn't prepared. Scotty had come back before any of her theories had had time to fully develop, and she was glad she wasn't facing him right now, glad he couldn't see the emotions swirling in her eyes.

And glad that there was an empty on-call room. After a couple glances down the hallway, she pushed open the door, then leaned against it almost defiantly, folding her arms across her chest, and allowed Scotty to enter first. With a quizzical glance, he did so, and she could feel his confusion and cluelessness as he walked past.

_Good, _she thought, with a hint of triumph. _We're even._

Knowing that he'd been caught off-guard, that he was as perplexed as she was, made Lilly realize that she had the upper hand. She knew how he was feeling…but he didn't have a clue about her. And with that, she was able to shut the door, lock it with an ominous-sounding click, and turn to face him, knowing that in that moment, she wasn't Lilly. She wasn't his girlfriend. She was Detective Rush, Philly Homicide…and she was about to get some answers.

As she turned toward him, she met his eyes, and Scotty instantly felt a chill run down his spine at the same time a flush of heat washed over the rest of his body. Her icy glare never, ever failed to push his buttons, and the fact that she knew that, and was no doubt doing this on purpose, made his blood start to boil. He welcomed the anger, though; it would hide the fact that he was scared absolutely shitless that she'd find out what had happened. He had no idea what she'd do, but, based on the way she was looking at him, there was no way in hell it was good. A quick flash of panic surfaced, panic that this might even be the end, but Scotty beat it down with all the force he possessed. If she was going to be the Ice Queen, freeze him out for loving her, again, well, then that was just something he'd have to live with. Because he wasn't sorry.

His confidence renewed, at least momentarily, Scotty took a deep, shuddering breath and, with every ounce of defiant courage he had in him, met his girlfriend's gaze without so much as a flinch.

After a moment, her frosty eyes left his and glanced downward. "How's your hand?" she began tersely.

"Fine," he replied, instinctively folding his arms and burying his injured hand in the crook of his elbow. So help him, he wasn't going to give an inch. Not when she was being Detective Rush and looking at him like a damn suspect.

"Oh, they put splints on hands that are perfectly fine these days?" she almost snapped, and Scotty narrowed his eyes and fought to keep that muscle in his jaw from twitching.

"Sprained it," he shot back, his voice low and threatening. "All four ligaments. Doc says it's damn near broken. You happy?"

_Damn near broken…for the love of God, Scotty, why? What set you off? What got to you so badly that you punched the wall? _Lilly wondered, her heart suddenly filling with compassion.

_Goddammit, focus, Rush_. Compassion was the last thing she needed to be feeling right now. She was flying solo with this interrogation. There was no good cop, bad cop this time. She was it.

Scotty thought he'd seen something flicker in her eyes, something deeply personal, but before he even had a split second to consider it, she was back to examining him with that cold blue glare.

"They give you any painkillers?" she asked. She needed Scotty to have a clear head if she was going to interrogate him. Needed to know that he knew what was going on.

"Gave me a shot before they bandaged it up," he replied, still not giving an inch. "Not that I needed it," he couldn't resist adding.

_Lie number one, _Lilly tallied. "That the kinda shot that'll make you loopy?" she fired back, narrowing her eyes to scrutinize him.

_I wish, _Scotty retorted inwardly, but he looked her in the eyes defiantly. "Nah," he replied.

"Good," she snapped. She looked away and paced for a couple seconds, then turned her gaze back on him, the anger suddenly gone, her tone light, though Scotty couldn't miss the deadly serious undercurrent.

"So…" she began. "You and my mom seemed to be havin' some fun this morning."

Scotty almost sighed with relief. This morning. When he was being nice. When it didn't hurt quite so much. He could handle this morning.

"You could say that," he answered, with an almost casual shrug.

"What'd you talk about?" she pressed.

Scotty shrugged again. "Nothin'," he replied.

"Nothin', huh?" Lilly scoffed. "So how'd you hurt your hand? All that nothin' a little too much for you?" She reached for his hand, but he took a couple giant steps backward, his eyes flashing with sudden defensiveness. His hand was definitely a sore point, she realized, and it wasn't just physical.

"Ted Smith's a pain in the ass," Scotty declared. It was the truth. He was.

"Maybe," Lilly conceded coolly, "but you didn't hurt your hand hitting him. It was fine when I saw you last night."

_Dammit_. He hadn't expected her to shoot holes in his lie before he even fed it to her. After, yes, but not before.

"I'll ask again," she continued, her voice level. "What happened in there with my mom?"

"I could ask you the same question," he retorted. "How's she doin'? You tell her yet? She even still alive?"

Lilly flinched, and Scotty was instantly filled with regret when he saw the brief flash of pain in her eyes. He'd hit a nerve, and he knew it, but damned if he could stop himself.

Quickly, she installed the mask once more and ignored his question. "She tell you stories?" Lilly pressed. "Show you pictures?"

_Pictures._ Scotty shuddered involuntarily as memories began to surface, memories of what he'd seen the night before, of ten-year-old Lilly running for her life…

_Stop it, Valens_.

Lilly saw the change in his demeanor, saw the flicker of fear in his dark eyes, and knew she'd hit on something. Her heart began to race as she realized that perhaps he'd read more into the picture than she first guessed, and she pressed on, narrowing her focus.

"There was this one picture…left out on the tray," she said, almost casually, watching him for any hint of a reaction. "Me with Mom and Chris. Did Mom show you that?"

Scotty shrugged, feigning nonchalance, but Lilly saw his eyes darken further with a curious mixture of anger, trepidation, and…was that pain? Yes, she was sure of it. He'd seen the picture, and, from the looks of it…he'd put two and two together. He'd figured out the significance of Ellen's hastily-scrawled notation on the back.

"Picture? Dunno what you're talkin' about…she musta pulled that out after I left," he replied, his voice light, but his eyes suddenly ebony and glittering with something almost dangerous. Oh, Lilly knew that look. It meant he was lying through his teeth…and it meant she was getting close. She'd seen it in doers' eyes hundreds of times…but she was quickly discovering how heart-wrenching it was when it came from Scotty instead. She was tempted to stop, to let him off the hook, but she pushed on. She needed to know exactly what had happened.

"I know you saw it," she said, reading the truth in his eyes. "Did she show it to you? Talk about that Easter? What'd she say to you, Scotty?" she pressed, her voice rising with each syllable.

"I dunno what you're makin' such a big deal about," he said defensively. "I came in, slept in the chair, made small talk with the nurses, and then your mom woke up and started tellin' stories." He glanced at her, mischief mingling with all the other emotions in his eyes and a smirk lifting the corners of his mouth. "Never woulda figured you for the Velveteen Rabbit type, Lil. Me, I was more of a Dr. Seuss man myself."

Scotty got exactly the reaction he'd been hoping for, which was a brief flash of anger that had nothing to do with her interrogation of him…but he was wholly unprepared for what she said next.

"Look," she began, fixing him with a glare so frigid that the one he'd seen before was positively balmy by comparison. "That picture? I've never seen it before. After you left this morning, the nurse came back in with my mother's insurance card, which she says _you _dug out of her wallet. There's an empty plastic sleeve in there where the picture used to be. And...oh, yeah. There's a bloodstain on the wall that's exactly the size of your fist. I send that stain to the lab, what do you think they'll find?"

_Oh, shit, _he thought. Evidence. Actual, solid, hard evidence. Most of the time, since their cases were so old, evidence was difficult to come by, so they hardly ever had any. It usually didn't matter, because they frequently got confessions without it, and when they needed evidence, they could always make some up. But he'd forgotten how damning fresh evidence could be. He'd forgotten that he'd left his blood on the wall, forgotten that the photo was still out, forgotten everything except the searing pain in his heart that had wiped out all thought of anything and everything else.

He was close to the edge, and Lilly could sense it. He suddenly had that hunted look that doers got in their eyes right before they spilled everything. She could almost taste his confession, which was why it knocked her back on her heels when his eyes hardened into two pieces of obsidian and he glared at her. It was a cold, almost emotionless glare, one that, quite frankly, frightened her a little. She very rarely saw that from him. The cold glare...that was _her _thing. Scotty didn't do that. He was fire, she was ice. That's how they were. For him to turn cold and hard...

And with that, she realized that they'd reached a point that confessions never did. Scotty wasn't a doer, he was the man she loved. There was only one way to get through to him.

Dropping the mask, she took a step forward and gently reached for his injured hand.

"Scotty…what happened?" she asked, her voice tender and loving, and despite his best efforts not to, he met her gaze.

In a split second, he wished he hadn't.

The icy mask was gone. Instead, her eyes were full of concern and confusion and a thousand other things, and with that knowledge, Scotty realized that he was utterly defeated. She wasn't Detective Rush anymore...she was Lilly. The woman he loved. And he could fight Detective Rush...but he didn't stand a chance against Lil.

Especially not when a frown touched her delicate features, and then the look in her eyes changed. A flicker of fear suddenly pricked their sapphire depths, and that fear perfectly mirrored what he'd seen in his mind's eye the night before, when he'd first seen ten-year-old Lilly. He wasn't sure what she was afraid of now, but whatever it was, it caused all the repressed emotions, all the rage and the sorrow and everything else, to crash through him like a wave, and, for the second time in two days, he was powerless against them.

"Don't touch it!" he roared, yanking his hand back, and Lilly jumped. She'd seen the defeat in his eyes, just for a second, but she hadn't expected his outburst. It was so sudden, so violent, that it caught her utterly off-guard, and she silently chastised herself. Detective Rush never so much as flinched. But, she suddenly realized, she wasn't Detective Rush anymore, she was Lilly. Wholly and completely Lilly. And this wasn't just some suspect...this was Scotty.

"That look?" he continued, gesturing in her direction. "That look I see in your eyes, right now. That fear, that panic…_that's_ what happened. It happened to you, and I finally figured it out."

His expression was wild, his breathing rapid, and Lilly could only stare, wide-eyed. She'd seen Scotty explode, dozens of times, but this was different. Quickly, she flashed through all the times she'd seen him lose control, and she couldn't come up with anything even close to this. Most of the time, the anger hid his pain, at least, hid it to the extent that only someone who knew him like she did could see it. But this time, it was out there. His heart was open and broken and bleeding before her, the anguish barely concealed, his fury just a flimsy covering for it.

"Scotty," she began, but he cut her off, and, frankly, she was relieved. She had absolutely no idea what the hell she would've said, anyway.

Scotty's eyes were dark and flashing fire. "I saw that picture, Lil. I saw it. And you were so beautiful, and so young, and you looked so happy, and I'm sittin' there thinkin' maybe it wasn't all that bad," he broke off, chuckling bitterly, before he continued. "But then I turned it over. You know what I saw?" he asked rhetorically.

Though she knew exactly what he'd seen, Lilly couldn't have answered if her life depended on it.

"I saw the date, Lil," he said, his voice suddenly soft and strained around what was no doubt a lump in his throat. "Easter '79. And then...I _saw_ it. I saw you out that night...saw you runnin'...saw him chasin' you...heard you _scream_, Lil. I saw it all."

"Scotty," she began again, her voice full of compassion. "I'm...not that girl anymore."

He stared at her for a moment, peering deep into her eyes, then shook his head with a slight smile. "Coulda fooled me," he said softly.

Lilly blinked, wanting with all her heart to argue, but quickly realizing that she couldn't…and she also knew, with a sinking heart, that Scotty knew that.

"And that…that's all...'cause of _her_," he continued, gesturing angrily in the direction of Ellen's hospital room. "That pathetic excuse for a mom...She never picked you, Lil, not once. Never picked you over the booze. You were always runnin' second to that bottle of vodka. God, Lil, she threw you to the wolves for a drink!" His voice broke on the last word, and he stopped, struggling to breathe. Lilly tried to speak again, but still, no words would come.

"I dunno how you do it," he continued, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I just...that pain I felt, when I knew what she did to you, when I finally got it...that hurt worse than just about anything I ever been through in my _life_, and you...you carry that around with you every day, Lil, every goddamn day, knowin' she never loved you like she should, knowin' she sold you out...and I dunno how you do it. I don't. 'Cause when it hit...I couldn't take it. I ain't that strong. You wanna know why there's blood on the wall, that's why."

Lilly continued to watch in stunned silence as he looked away from her and pressed his lips together in a tight line to stop them from trembling, and as he fought to regain his composure, she knew. She _knew. _Scotty and his Superman routine...she'd always thought it was about him, about his pride, about his insecurities, about proving something to the world, and to himself...but that wasn't it at all. He ached to save the world...because watching the people he loved suffer was more pain than he could bear. That was why he'd fixated on George after she'd told him about the attack...he simply couldn't handle the rest yet. He couldn't accept that she'd suffered like that at the hands of the person who was supposed to love her more than anyone else. But now, he'd finally seen it. He finally understood. He finally saw her for who she really was...and, she realized, she was finally seeing him.

"I couldn't let her do it, Lil," he continued, his voice trembling. "I couldn't let her take the easy way out." He was getting angry again, she knew it, could sense it building with each word, each syllable. "Couldn't let her give up on you. After all the hell she put you through, for her to just… just check out on you, to pick booze over you one last time? I couldn't let her. I just…_couldn't. _So I told her that. I told her how much she hurt you, how much she's gotta make up for, and I told her I wouldn't let her quit on you. 'Cause you deserve more, Lil. So much more. And I can only give you some of it. She's gotta do the rest. I can't make up for what she did to you...but I thought maybe she could. I got no use for her…I got nothin' for her except hate for what she did to you. But you...you need her. You need your mom. You need her to sober up and pick you for once, just once. One goddamn time, Lil, you over the booze, just _once_!" He was shouting now, pacing the floor and raking his left hand through his hair. Finally he stopped, took a deep, shuddering breath, and met her eyes, his gaze dark and glittering with pain, anger, and sudden, unexplained fear.

"Was I nice about it? No. Did I completely lose it in there? Hell, yeah. Did I wanna kill her myself? I ain't proud of it, but...yeah, I did. Do I regret a word I said? Hell, no. I can't take watchin' her hurt you again. If you can't live with that, if that's some kinda unforgivable sin with you, then...fine. That's just the way it is. 'Cause maybe you can take her shit for the resta your life, but I can't watch. I can't just stand there and watch you get hurt over and over and _over_. And someone needed to tell her that. Someone needed to tell her how bad she screwed you, how goddamn much she hurt you, Lil. So..." he finished with a shaky sigh, "…that's what happened."

Lilly stood there in stunned silence as thoughts rapidly tumbled over themselves. She'd known something had happened...but she never could have imagined _this._ Seeing him like this...so wounded, so broken, and knowing both that it was a shadow of what it surely must have been the night before...and that it was because of_ her, _because of the fact that he finally understood her pain, and not only understood it, but felt it in his own soul, and then tried to do something about it...it took her breath away. Scotty had fought for her. This was a battle she'd never been able to win on her own, but he'd stepped in and somehow reached into the abyss where her mother was and yanked her out with the brute force of their now-shared pain. He'd done what she'd longed to do for decades, but couldn't, because deep down, she loved her mother too much. But Scotty didn't. Scotty didn't even know her. All he knew was how much pain Ellen Rush had caused the woman he loved, and he'd lashed out as only he could...but somehow, some way, that had been exactly what was needed.

And suddenly...suddenly the anger and the frustration she'd felt since that morning disappeared as a wall of love slammed into her with so much force it nearly knocked her off her feet. She stood there, watching him...his face flushed with emotion, his eyes blazing with anguish and righteous indignation, his chest rising and falling rapidly with his ragged breathing...and she realized she had never loved him more than she did at this moment.

Nor had she ever wanted him more than she did at this moment, she realized, as the love bubbled over into a volcano of desire. She'd never known a fire like this before; it threatened to utterly consume her. Just the sight of him was making it hard for her to breathe, and the faint whiff of his aftershave, along with the heat she could feel radiating from him, was making her suddenly dizzy. Every cell in her body was screaming for his touch, his kisses, the way he completely possessed her every time they made love. She needed him in a way she'd never known.

Scotty finally dared to meet her eyes, and what he saw mystified him. Gone was the icy mask, and the frightened look he'd seen when he exploded was also tossed by the side of the road. Instead was a fire, blazing wildly, its heat almost burning him. He wasn't quite sure what it was about, but he didn't have time to think, because in a split second, she'd closed the gap between them, pressed him against the cabinets, and begun to devour his lips in a ravenous kiss while she fumbled frantically with his belt buckle.

As soon as her mouth crashed against his, Lilly was completely lost to the onslaught of love and desire. It took Scotty a second to respond, as she'd known it would. She sensed his hesitation, felt him tense briefly and knew he was wondering what the hell hit him, but when she finished with his belt, it was as though a switch flipped, and he went from being clueless to being intentional in a matter of seconds. He spun them both around, pressing her to the cabinets and returning her kisses with almost bruising ferocity, stopping only to strip off her shirt and gaze deeply into her eyes for a second before returning to her lips with a delighted moan.

His libido was firmly in the driver's seat, the desire shooting flames throughout his body, long before his conscious mind was even able to fully comprehend what was happening. Before he knew it, he was feeling a cool rush of air as his clothes were practically torn from his body, and in the blink of an eye, he was flat on his back on the bed, gasping for breath as he watched Lilly hastily finish undressing, his eyes roving greedily over her curve, and then she perched on top of him, smothering him with kisses and sliding herself onto him.

"God, Lil," he groaned in amazement.

Lilly cried out with pleasure as she brought him inside her, and as she began to move, her heightened senses responded to absolutely everything he did; every stroke of his tongue around hers, every touch of his hands on her shoulders, her breasts, her hips, the way he met her thrusts. Her heart hammering frantically, she gasped his name and then lowered herself down to tenderly assault that spot behind his ear that always drove him wild.

_Holy mother of God..._she'd found his favorite spot, was starting to trace circles there with her tongue, and that combined with what she was already doing to him nearly sent him over the edge. He wanted to warn her how close he was, wanted tell her he couldn't hold on much longer, but all he could manage was a desperate moan as he clung to her waist and silently begged her for mercy. She was doing everything he loved, everything he always wanted, and she was absolutely torturing him with it. It had never built this fast, been this intense, and for a brief moment, he was almost scared by it; scared by how excruciatingly good it felt, by the way his heart was pounding so hard he thought it might actually leap out of his chest, by the sudden, frantic onslaught of passion from Lilly. She'd never been like this before, and he wasn't sure what the hell it all meant, but it just felt so damn good that he couldn't think, or breathe, or do anything else. All he could do was grit his teeth against the tidal wave of pleasure that was just around the corner, hoping, praying, that somehow, some way, she'd finish before he did.

Lilly heard his moan, felt him starting to tremble, and through the blinding haze of her own need, she sensed his desperation and hastily sought to reassure him. She hadn't meant for him to wait on her… but one look at him told her he hadn't quite gotten that yet.

"Scotty," she whispered breathlessly in his ear. "Don't wait."

His eyes flew open in surprise, not sure he'd heard her right over the roaring of his pulse in his ears, but at the look that shone from her face, he knew what she'd said. He wanted to thank her, wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but words wouldn't form. Words, thoughts, anything coherent… they were all long gone in an explosion of bliss, the likes of which he'd never known.

Lilly saw the brief flash of gratitude in his eyes before he closed them, arched back into the pillows, and unleashed a primal, throaty cry of relief and ecstasy that thrilled her to her very core. Watching him, feeling him pulse rhythmically inside her, was the last piece of the puzzle for her, and she shrieked his name as she shot into orbit on a wave of pleasure so intense she wasn't sure she'd survive it, but she never, ever wanted it to end.

Finally floating down from the stars, she collapsed on top of him, panting words of love, and for a few moments, neither of them could speak. All they could do was cling to each other, gulp air greedily and wait for the world to stop spinning.

Soon, however, Scotty regained the power of speech, and the curiosity that had been shoved to the side when she attacked him resurfaced and demanded to be voiced.

"Lil?" he asked, still a bit breathless. "What the---?" That was all he could manage, and he glanced down at her, hoping his eyes would convey the rest.

Lilly smiled, then rolled on top of him. She knew she owed him an explanation, knew he had millions of questions swirling around in that mind of his, but…that could wait. She ran her hands over his slick chest and bent down to kiss him again, tasting heat, the salty tang of sweat, and the wonderful spicy flavor of Scotty himself.

Scotty's eyes closed in bliss once more, and he was tempted to let her have her way with him again, sorely tempted, but he needed answers first. She'd interrogated the hell out of him earlier, and it was his turn, dammit.

He rolled them over and pinned her arms over her head, holding himself above her just high enough that her lips couldn't reach him, and he smirked at the frustrated glint in her blue eyes.

"I got questions, woman," he informed her. "And I ain't backin' down."

Lilly beamed at the mischievous gleam in his eyes. God, she loved him. She couldn't believe how much. Now that he'd told her what he'd done, and why…she'd never been more deeply moved in her life.

"Thank you," she breathed. "Scotty…thank you."

Scotty's grin widened as he took in the beauty of that radiant smile, awash in relief that, with that smile, with the love shining from her eyes, there was no way in hell this was the end. Emboldened by that realization, he leaned down to kiss her, ending it just when she reached the point of surrender.

"You're welcome," he replied, rolling off of her, "but…I gotta admit I really didn't do much this time."

Lilly giggled and playfully swatted him as she flipped onto her side and propped herself up on one elbow, her hair spilling around her glistening shoulders and her eyes shining with adoration.

"Didn't mean the sex," she retorted, and Scotty responded with a pout, which caused her to giggle again. "Although the sex was…" she trailed off, still blown away by the intensity of what they'd just shared.

"Yeah," he admitted huskily, trailing a hand over the satiny sweep of her hip and feeling the desire blooming within him once more. _Focus, Valens._

Lilly suddenly turned serious, though he was relieved to see that she was still looking at him with that deep, intensely loving gaze.

"My mom…she's talkin' about rehab, Scotty," she informed him, and Scotty froze, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Rehab?" he repeated blankly. "Like…twenty-eight days, twelve steps, actually gonna quit drinkin'… _rehab_?"

"She told me…that she'd try," Lilly said, her voice wavering slightly. "Scotty, she's never said that before. And she called…what happened to me…an attack. She's never said that before, either," she continued, eyeing him to gauge his reaction.

Scotty was utterly dumbfounded. He'd completely lost it in there the night before, gone to an abyss of pain and fury that he'd never before visited and had no desire to visit again…and he'd held no illusions that Ellen Rush had heard anything he'd said, but…maybe…holy crap, maybe she had. But, Scotty realized, whether what he'd said had been the key or not, Ellen was different. Lilly was different. Something good had come of whatever the hell had happened in that coma.

He looked at Lilly, saw the love and gratitude shining from her face…oh, holy mother of God, it had been worth it. All the pain, the immeasurable rage, his sprained hand, whether that was what had made the difference or not…he'd do it all again. He'd do anything for her to look at him like that.

As he continued to study her, he saw tears suddenly filling those beautiful blue eyes, and he frowned in confusion. Hastily, she moved to reassure him, though she could barely speak around the lump in her throat.

"Scotty," she said, her voice thick with emotion, "you…_fought_ for me. Nobody's ever…" she trailed off, unable to continue.

"I know," he said softly. He brushed away the lone tear that had managed to spill onto her porcelain cheek, then gave her a tender, almost reverent kiss.

Frantically, Lilly searched her mind for the right words, the words to say how much what he'd done had meant to her, how for the first time, she felt secure in the love of another person, how she wanted this to last forever, but the power of speech deserted her, save for one word.

"Thanks," she said simply, knowing that it wasn't nearly enough, hoping that the emotion that filled her voice and her gaze would suffice. Her eyes never leaving his, she lifted his injured hand and softly kissed his fingers. "I love you," she added. "So much."

Scotty looked deep into her eyes, reading the adoration and gratitude that shone there, and he could have stayed like that forever, basking in the sunshine of her love, knowing that finally, thank God, _finally, _he'd managed to do some good for someone he loved. He smiled at her tenderly, brushed away a stray tendril of blonde hair, and kissed her softly.

"I love you, too, Lil…and, you're welcome," he replied, then rolled her over again, capturing her lips in another, deeper kiss.

She frowned up at him, twining her arms around his neck.

"Well, I got some thankin' of my own to do, y'know," he said by way of explanation, his eyes darkening with lust.

"Do you?" she repeated, a suddenly mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

"Oh, yeah," he answered huskily, trailing kisses down the center of her throat, relishing the way she purred with delight. "And I think I got a pretty good idea where to start."


	39. Superman

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I do own a lovely artificial Christmas tree.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Superman**

_It may sound absurd...but don't be naive  
Even heroes have the right to bleed  
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede  
Even heroes have the right to dream  
It's not easy to be me_

Late that afternoon, Scotty pulled the car up to the loading area of the rehab center and glanced in the rearview mirror to see Ellen looking up at the tan brick building. He caught a glimpse of trepidation in her blue eyes, and for a second, he was afraid she'd bolt, as her daughter was prone to do, but Ellen suddenly squared her jaw and seemed to renew her resolve. Satisfied, Scotty glanced at Lilly, gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and slid out of his side of the car.

Once inside, Lilly gave her mother a slight smile, then headed for the desk to check her in. Scotty watched Lilly approach the desk, and he could tell just by her demeanor that she was simultaneously desperate to hope that, somehow, this time would be different, while at the same time, knowing from decades of experience that hoping could only end in tears. He felt the indignation rising in his heart once more, and he turned to face Ellen.

He couldn't yell…not here…not again. It wouldn't do any good. He'd said everything he'd needed to say the night before. At least, all the angry things. All the gut-wrenching pain and anger and everything else had come out, and repeating it would be futile. So, after a moment's thought, Scotty decided to try a new tactic. Glancing around, he noticed a bench nearby, grabbed Ellen's suitcase, and motioned for her to have a seat next to him.

"Place looks nice," he commented as he looked around at the plants and skylights, the lightness of his tone covering his swirling emotions.

"Seen worse," Ellen replied, her voice casual, but unable to completely disguise her nervousness. She glanced over at him, seeking reassurance, looking so much like Lilly on those rare occasions when she'd do exactly the same thing, and Scotty felt the anger melt away as quickly as it had come.

Leaning his elbows on his knees, Scotty sighed, then glanced back at Ellen with a confident smile.

"Me and Lil worked this job once," he began. "This recoverin' alcoholic was accused of murderin' a girl back in '94…and I remember interviewin' one of the girl's friends, and she overheard the guy talkin' to the girl about recovery. He said this thing that kinda stuck with me…said that everybody's got their own point, their own bottom, where there's no place you can go but there, and when you hit that, you either die, or you close your eyes and believe that there's somethin' bigger out there, somethin' better, than whatever it is that's eatin' you alive."

He glanced at Lilly's mother to gauge her reaction. "You made it this far, Ellen. You coulda died in that hospital, but you didn't. So somewhere, deep inside, I'm thinkin' you believe that…you believe that there's somethin' bigger for you out there. Now, I don't know what that is…but the fact that you're sittin' here, that you're checkin' yourself into this place, tells me that you've got somethin' you believe in. And…whatever that is, you gotta hold onto it. This ain't gonna be easy…but it is gonna be worth it. You gotta believe in that, too."

Ellen's eyes filled with tears, and she simply nodded.

Lilly came over then, her voice bright with a guardedly cheerful optimism. "All checked in, Mom," she said, and Ellen sniffled, gave them a brave, yet wavery smile, and picked up her suitcase.

"Guess this is it for a while, guys," she remarked.

"You've got my cell, right, Mom?" Lilly asked. "Don't call the office; I'm never there. But I've always got my phone on. You call me if you need anything, all right?" She looked deeply into her mother's eyes, and, after a pause, Ellen nodded slowly.

Scotty stepped forward and handed Ellen his card. "My cell's on there, too…so if you don't get Lil for some reason, you can call me."

Ellen nodded again and pocketed the card, then moved forward and wrapped Lilly in a hug. "I love you, baby," she said softly, and Lilly, for the first time, didn't wince with pain at those words. She was surprised by the words and the gesture, but after a moment, returned the hug.

"Love you, too, Mom," she replied.

Ellen pulled away from Lilly then and turned to Scotty, who she also embraced. Stretching up so her words would be for his ears only, she whispered, "You take care of my girl, you hear? She deserves to be happy."

Scotty swallowed against the lump in his throat. "She does," he agreed quietly, and then Ellen slipped from his arms, turned to the counselor at the desk, and headed down the hallway without a backward glance.

Scotty wrapped his arm around Lilly and pressed a kiss to her cheek as they watched Ellen disappear through the double doors.

"Think she'll make it?" Lilly asked Scotty, her voice suddenly shy and tentative.

"Hope so," Scotty replied.

* * *

A few minutes later, they pulled up outside Scotty's apartment. He hadn't wanted to bother with going there, figuring they'd just go back to Lil's place so she could feed the cats, but Lilly had figured out from the suitcase in the backseat that he hadn't seen the inside of his apartment since before leaving for Virginia, and so she'd insisted.

Scotty trudged up the stairs almost reluctantly, having no intention of staying any longer than was necessary to toss his dirty laundry in the hamper, shove the suitcase into the back of his closet, and change out of the clothes he'd been wearing for two days straight. As he slid his key into the lock, pushed the door open, and inhaled the stale mustiness of the place, looked around at the dust that adorned the top of every surface, he didn't feel glad to be home…indeed, he didn't even feel that he _was _home. His apartment was merely a stopgap, a temporary solution to a problem that ended up being permanent. Years ago, he'd wanted to be closer to downtown so his commute to work didn't take so long, and Elisa had wanted to be close to him. Their families had frowned on them living together before they got married, to the point of calling in the priest, and so they'd done the next best thing: gotten apartments six blocks from each other and been absolutely inseparable, saving every penny they could so they could afford a nice place together when the time came to get married.

Toward the end, however, when things got so painfully rocky, Scotty had been eternally grateful for his own place. He hadn't counted on how utterly and completely exhausting round-the-clock Elisa care would be. Oh, he'd insisted that he could do it, he'd promised her parents, who were no more pleased with the hospital than he was, that he could take care of her. And take care of her he did. Most nights they would stay together, either at his place or at hers, so he could comfort her when the giants stalked her under cover of darkness, and it had gotten to the point where he'd almost learned to sleep with one eye open so he could reach over and wrap her in his arms when she started tossing and turning, hoping that maybe if she woke up in his arms, the bone-chilling screams would stop before they started.

That usually worked, but never allowing himself to fall into a truly deep sleep always took its toll on him, and so, once every couple weeks, he'd take Elisa to her sister's, or to her parents', or arrange for them to stay with her for a night or two…and then he'd retreat back to his apartment and crash. Sometimes he'd drink himself into oblivion, sometimes he'd sink onto the sofa and just watch television for hours on end until his mind was literally numb, sometimes he'd weep helplessly out of his ever-increasing panic and frustration that things with Elisa were getting worse instead of better…but most times, he just fell into bed the second he got home and slept. He always felt guilty about escaping, could read the hurt in her eyes when she realized that he wasn't going to be there for her that night and absolutely hated that he was the cause of it, but…when he reached the end of his rope, he didn't want her to see it. He didn't want her to think she was a burden, to think that caring for her was wearing him out. He didn't want her to see him with any weakness at all. He was her rock, he was her hero, he was Superman, dammit. He couldn't let her see him fall apart. And his apartment…his apartment was the one place in the world where he could go to be safe, to hide away, to do whatever he needed to do to pull himself together and gather the strength, somehow, to go back into the ring and fight some more.

But after she died, after all the funeral-related hubbub had died down, he'd spent an afternoon ridding his apartment of anything and everything that reminded him of her, carting boxes and boxes of stuff to her parents' house, and he'd realized, upon returning home, that without those little touches of Elisa…his apartment was a dump. He hated it. Without her, there was no reason to stay. No reason to be six blocks from where she used to live. No reason to keep jogging by her old place every morning for months on end. He'd made up his mind that day to start combing the classifieds and find a new place, but somehow, it just never happened. Things at work got busy, the pain faded, and suddenly the effort of moving, all the sorting and packing and all that other crap just didn't seem worth it.

Even after he and Lilly had gotten together, despite the fact that he spent most of his time at her place, formally moving in with her had just never felt right, so he'd kept his place, and right now, right at this moment…he was grateful. Grateful that he still had his apartment, that place he could go to hide from the world and not show anyone his weakness. Grateful for just a few minutes to himself. Grateful that Lil wouldn't see him at the end of his rope. She was still in the car, mostly so they wouldn't have had to spend a precious couple of quarters feeding a meter, and he'd promised her that he'd hurry back.

But that was when he felt capable of hurrying. As he wearily dropped his suitcase in his bedroom floor and glanced through his closet for his favorite pair of jeans and that comforting old gray hoodie, he suddenly felt a wave of bone-deep exhaustion sweeping over him, claiming him, pulling him out to sea. He hadn't been this tired for years, and he wondered why the hell it was hitting him now. He'd never really been able to help Elisa, but this time, with Lil, he'd done some good, dammit. He'd gotten Lilly's mother to choose life over booze, to choose Lilly over booze, at least temporarily…she was out of the hospital, in rehab, and Lilly was looking at him with an adoration he hadn't yet seen from her before, and all of that should have thrilled him. He knew that. Which was making him feel even worse.

He sank down on the bed and tried to put his finger on why…why he should be on top of the world and instead felt like absolute shit. His hand was starting to hurt again, and he knew he needed another pain pill, but damned if he knew where he'd stashed them. His head was throbbing, and every muscle and joint in his body suddenly ached. He was in his mid-thirties, the prime of his life, in the best relationship he'd ever had…but he felt unspeakably weary, beaten down by life…and old. So suddenly old.

_Whatever, Valens, _his brain chided him. _Just change clothes and get the hell outta here before you become seriously tiresome._

Grinning ruefully, Scotty forced himself to his feet and dug his hands into his pockets to remove his keys and wallet and all the other crap he insisted on dragging around with him everywhere he went, feeling marginally better, a bit lighter, even…

…until his fingers clasped around that black velvet box.

Dammit. Lilly's ring.

The last time he'd seen it was in Ellen's hospital room, when he'd told her he was going to show her what love looked like, what Lilly truly deserved in life. And, back then, Scotty felt up to the challenge. But now, he was so drained and empty and exhausted that just the mere sight of the box was completely overwhelming. He couldn't face it. Couldn't even think about it. He knew he should, knew that now would be the perfect opportunity to propose, now that he'd proven his love to Lilly by talking some sense into her pathetic excuse for a mother, now that she was looking at him with such love, now that he was back in Philly and she was better and she'd let him into her heart and soul and there was nothing holding her back now, no reason he could think of why he shouldn't ask her…

…and yet he just couldn't. Because he was exhausted beyond belief, and though he hated that with every fiber of his being, it was the truth. It wasn't the only truth, though, he realized. She was still damaged. She was still damaged, and broken…and her opinion of marriage and forever hadn't changed. He wouldn't kid himself thinking that one incredible day, one heroic moment on his part, could erase all the years of heartache on hers. She was still deeply wounded…and because of that, she might still say no. If she did…he'd lose everything. On a normal day, he'd probably throw caution to the wind and risk it all anyway, but in his current state, where he was running on not just fumes, but the fumes of fumes, the idea of losing everything was something he simply wasn't capable of facing. Not tonight.

Suddenly frustrated beyond belief at both their limitations, he quickly shoved the ring into his drawer and leaned against the dresser, feeling weaker and more pathetic than he'd ever felt in his life.

* * *

Lilly sighed, then glanced at her watch for what seemed like the thousandth time since Scotty had disappeared into his building. She'd offered to come with him, even wanted to come with him, but he'd brushed her off with a grin, his usual casual, no-big-deal grin, but there was an underlying firmness in his voice that she hadn't quite heard from him before, and one that she'd spent the last twenty minutes puzzling over.

She shivered suddenly, and realized that, although the day had been brilliantly sunny and unseasonably mild, nightfall had brought with it winter's chill, and by this point, the residual heat from the car was long gone. Scotty had taken his keys with him, but he'd insisted he'd only be gone for five minutes. Just long enough for him to drop off his luggage, slip into a pair of jeans, and, no doubt, that ratty gray hoodie she couldn't stand, and then come back so they could go spend the night at her place. But that was fifteen minutes ago, and she knew that the only time it took Scotty forever to change clothes was when she was there to distract him.

So what the hell was he doing?

With an impatient sigh that puffed up in a chilly cloud of vapor around her face, Lilly finally decided to slip a quarter into the meter and go investigate. Figuring out why the hell Scotty had left her in the car for far longer than he'd said he would…that was definitely worth twenty-five cents, she decided, as she stuck the coin in the slot, twisted the knob defiantly, and started up the stairs to his apartment.

She entered slowly, not sure what she'd find, and saw all the lights off and the place smelling as musty as she'd expected it to. Now that they'd started spending so much time at her place, they were hardly ever at his. She loved their arrangement and had never questioned it, especially since she started getting the sense that he was more comfortable in her townhouse than he ever was in his apartment.

"Scotty," she called with a grin as she rounded the corner into his bedroom. "What happened, you get lost in here? It's cold out, and I---"

But one look at him stopped her dead in her tracks. His eyes were dark, as they'd been that morning, but they weren't glittering with fury or unshed tears like they had been earlier. Instead, they were hollow and empty, and the fine lines around them were etched more deeply than ever before. She could tell from one glance that all the seething emotions from earlier had been drained out of him, leaving absolutely nothing except an undeniable exhaustion, the depths of which she'd never witnessed from him.

"I know," he managed, his voice sounding as though it was costing him absolutely every ounce of energy he had left just to speak. "I'm sorry. I just---"

"Shhhh," she whispered, crossing the room and taking him in her arms. "It's okay. I was just worried about you."

"I'm fine," he insisted.

Lilly pulled away from him just enough to look him in the eyes and fix him with a no-nonsense stare. "Don't give me that crap, Valens," she ordered softly, with a tender smile. "I don't believe you any more than you believed me when I said I was fine. You're not fine."

"Back off, Lil," he growled, glaring at her with as much force as he could muster. "When I say I'm fine, I'm fine."

Lilly smiled and shook her head. "Okay," she agreed. "You're fine."

"That's what I said," he replied matter-of-factly.

"Good," she shot back crisply as an idea began to unfold. "Since you're fine…and we're already here…and there's a bed…"

She cast him her most lascivious glance, then, without any further ado, kissed him. It wasn't a fevered kiss, not like it had been that morning…this one was loving and reverent. She felt him returning her attentions, as she knew he would, and he pulled her close, but his movements were slow and dragging, his response lacking its usual fire and passion. She'd known that would happen, indeed, that had been her goal all along. Sex had never been the plan, not then…but that was the only way she could think of, in that moment, to force him to admit that he wasn't fine.

Finally, he pulled away from her, his eyes glittering with defeat and frustration and so many other things.

"I'm sorry, Lil," he whispered, dropping his hands from where they had been resting on her hips. "I can't. I just…" he trailed off, then looked up at her, his eyes suddenly wide and pleading, almost childlike. "I'm tired," he admitted, a previously-unheard depth of weariness in his voice. "So…damn…_tired_."

"I know," she replied softly, meeting his eyes to reassure him that he wasn't letting her down, he wasn't disappointing her, he was doing exactly what she wanted him to do, and what he needed to do for himself. Then, when his expression told her that he'd read her glance and finally accepted the truth, she pulled him into her arms again. This time, he clung to her as fiercely as his fatigued body would allow, and as she gently massaged the back of his neck with one hand and held him tight with the other, she sensed that he was letting her in to a place he'd never let anyone else see. He was Scotty Valens. He was Superman. He didn't have limitations. He didn't have weaknesses. And he sure as hell didn't get tired. At least…that's what he wanted everyone else to believe. Especially her, she suddenly realized. That was why he'd been so insistent that she wait in the car. He'd needed to retreat…to hide… he didn't want her to see this side of him, and she knew he normally would have been fighting her on it even now…but all the fight was simply gone, and he had nothing left.

And she knew, instinctively, that this was the flip side of letting him swoop in and save the day. After all that, no way in hell he wasn't tired…and now, it was her turn to save him.

So she did the only thing she could think of to do, which was hold him and be with him and let him lean on her, praying that somehow, some way, some of the strength he'd given her, the strength that had enabled her to talk to her mother, to take her to rehab, to believe, for once, that perhaps things really would change this time, could be returned to him. He was too exhausted to resist, as she knew he would be, and after a few moments, his grip on her tightened as she felt him allow her to support him, to hold him up…just as he'd done for her so many times. Lilly smiled tenderly as she felt him sigh, a deep, shuddering sigh that spoke of a much-needed release, and delighted in the opportunity to finally do some good for him. Scotty was always so busy running around trying to save the world that he very rarely let anyone save him…and yet, he was letting her do exactly that. She suddenly realized how wonderful her letting him in must have made him feel…because being his rock, his strength, just for a moment…felt amazing to her.

Finally, he lifted his head from where it had come to rest on her shoulder, his eyes still dark with fatigue, but the haunting, exhausted look had faded to the point where she knew exactly what to do next.

"C'mon," she said softly, pulling apart from him and taking his hand. "Let's go home."

* * *

The drive home was largely silent. Scotty had handed Lilly the car keys without so much as a word of protest, and she'd smiled compassionately and driven them over to her place. He'd nearly fallen asleep in the car, but perked up when they pulled up outside her apartment, seeming a bit lighter, a bit happier than he had before.

Once upstairs, Scotty kicked off his shoes, then sank gratefully onto Lilly's bed with the deepest, most contented, most grateful sigh she'd ever heard from him. Smiling, she looked over at him.

"Good to be home?" she asked knowingly.

Scotty yawned, and then grinned over at her. "Nothin' like sleepin' in a cheap hotel and a god-awful chair to make you realize how kick-ass this bed is," he remarked as he laced his hands behind his head, and Lilly giggled.

Scotty grunted in surprise then as something connected with his torso, but smiled when he realized that it was Tripod. "Hey, princess," he greeted the cat, chuckling softly and scratching her furry white back as she nuzzled her head beneath his chin.

"I think someone missed you," Lilly remarked, her heart warming at the beautiful scene unfolding before her.

"Looks like it," he replied, stifling another yawn as Tripod purred loudly and curled up on his chest.

With a loving smile, Lilly disappeared into the bathroom to finish her preparations for bed. She was only gone a few minutes, but when she returned to the bedroom, she was surprised to hear soft snoring. Glancing over at Scotty, she saw that he was fast asleep.

Chuckling softly to herself, Lilly gently lifted Tripod off her boyfriend's chest, ignoring the indignant yowl from the cat, and set her down next to Scotty, then considered her options for making him more comfortable. His tie was long-gone, she didn't know where she'd seen it last, and he'd unbuttoned his shirt on the way upstairs, making it fairly easy for her to slip it from his shoulders. The T-shirt was a bit more difficult, but she managed to strip it from his body without waking him. It was while she was gently slipping his pants from his legs that he stirred, his eyes flitting open and glancing around in confusion.

"Come on," she urged, and he managed to wake up enough to slip beneath the covers.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Lilly couldn't help the soft giggle that bubbled from her lips. "It's okay," she whispered, and Scotty's eyes fluttered closed again. She sat down on the edge of the bed, softly caressing his cheek with the back of her hand. "Superman has to sleep sometime."

She didn't know how long she sat there, just stroking the contours of his face and watching him sleep, overwhelmed in a flood of love and gratitude that pricked her eyes with tears, but she was relieved to see him finally remove her burdens from his shoulders long enough to fall into an exhausted, yet, she could tell from the look on his face, peaceful slumber.

But as she finally rose from the bed, switched off the light, and slipped into bed beside him,draping an arm across his chest and pillowing her head on his shoulder, she realized that, somehow, the burdens weren't just hers anymore…they were _theirs_. Scotty wasn't carrying them for her, nor did she expect, or even want him to, but he was sharing her load, and for the first time in dealing with her mother, Lilly felt like she wasn't alone, like someone else knew, understood, saw things at their worst, and didn't even blink, just jumped in and dealt with them. Why, _why _had she resisted this for so long? She was powerless to speculate, but grateful that she'd finally let him in to this part of her life.

And Scotty wouldn't view it as a burden, she realized. Oh, no. She knew him well enough to know that he'd been longing for an opportunity like this ever since that one night when she'd first told him about her childhood. She'd seen it his eyes then, and the look hadn't changed over the years…until that day. And she knew, without even having to think about it, that he was grateful for the chance to finally been able to save her from some of the demons that had plagued her for so long. She wasn't out of the woods yet, she knew that, Ellen still had a long road to recovery, and Lilly had no idea whether or not she'd make it…but she was alive now, in rehab, sincerely trying to quit drinking, and Lilly knew in her heart that what Scotty had said during his all-night vigil in the hospital had definitely played a part in convincing her mother to give living one more chance.

As she snuggled closer to Scotty and reveled in the enormity of what he'd done for her, of how much he'd taken on, of the fact that he loved her enough to take joy in tackling her biggest problems…for the first time, Lilly Rush finally allowed herself to dream about forever.

* * *

It was after eleven the next morning when Scotty finally stumbled into the living room where Lilly was cuddled up on the couch with the newspaper, a cup of coffee, and both cats, and she giggled softly at his disheveled hair and disoriented expression.

"What time is it?" he asked blearily.

"After eleven," Lilly replied.

"What…day is it?" he asked again, prompting another giggle from Lilly.

"Don't worry, it's Sunday. We wouldn't be at work today anyway," she reassured him. "Now, sit down before you hurt yourself, and drink this. You need it more than I do." Once Scotty sat down next to her, she thrust the coffee mug into his hands, and as he took a few grateful sips, she disappeared into the kitchen and came back with pancakes and a pain pill.

"Breakfast of champions," she announced cheerfully as she set it on the coffee table.

Breakfast and caffeine perked him up, and they spent the rest of the day just lolling about on the couch, watching movies, ordering in, and just enjoying being together. They talked about everything, and nothing, and loved every minute of it.

Real life beckoned the next day, but their lazy Sunday had recharged them both to the point that they were ready, willing, and eager to tackle the next case, the mysterious deaths of a couple of online fan forum administrators in 2005. Lilly, especially, was ready to get back into the groove. She wasn't hiding out in her job this time, wasn't using it as an escape from her problems. Instead, now that her problems were more under control than they had been for quite some time, it was a joy to devote her energy, and attention, to her job with a clear focus.

* * *

Two evenings later, Vera sat at his desk, dashing through the last few lines of an interview report. This case was full of wackjobs, even more so than most. _The Internet sure brings out the crazies, _he mused to himself as he scrawled his signature at the bottom of the form and prepared to call it a night.

Just then, Scotty and Lilly returned to the squad room after an interview, and, as Lilly unwound the scarf from around her neck and shrugged out of her coat, Scotty slapped her notes on his desk and looked around at his co-workers, his grin simultaneously cocky and a bit sheepish.

"Which one of you saps wants to do my paperwork tonight?" he asked, and Vera glanced up with a glare. He couldn't believe how much glee Valens was taking out of sticking his co-workers with his interview reports. He didn't even come close to believing Scotty's claim that the monthly Valens Family Poker Night had gotten out of hand, particularly since, when he'd casually asked about Scotty's hand the day before, much to his surprise, both Lilly and Kat had shot him a look that told him, in no uncertain terms, that he better not ask any more questions.

And, to his chagrin, Vera had been the one stuck with filling out the interview report the night before. To be honest, he normally didn't mind paperwork. He was the one who took on the tasks no one else had the patience for. He was the one who'd cheerfully spend hours digging through old boxes, trying to find one piece of paper in a sea of thousands. He was the one who'd sit in the interview room long after everyone else went home, puzzling over a poem or lyrics to a song, trying to find the hidden clues. He'd long ago figured out that diligent research was his niche, the thing he could do that no one else was willing or able to do, and sometimes, it was just the break that everyone needed. It always thrilled him when his search for a needle in a haystack paid off, making whatever time and effort and aggravation it had cost him well worth it.

To be honest, he didn't even really mind filling out Valens' paperwork. At least, not the night before. Veronica had had some big, important school project that was due, and Kat had gently told him that it might be best if he kept his distance, so the paperwork had given him something to do instead of go home, crash on the couch, and watch television, as he was wont to do whenever Kat and her daughter needed some quality time together. But tonight? Tonight was ballet class, and he knew it always thrilled Veronica when he showed up. Kat, too, come to think of it.

Vera glanced up quickly, hoping to come up with some excuse that, although not entirely truthful, would be close enough that his meddlesome colleagues wouldn't ask questions. Despite all the time he and Kat had been together, despite their engagement, she still wasn't comfortable with making their relationship public, so, whenever they had plans, he had to come up with a lie. And, if he were being entirely truthful, he'd be forced to admit that, with each day that passed that Kat still insisted on hiding behind her stone wall of self-protection and denial, he grew more and more bothered by it. He understood her need for privacy, understood her desire to be respected and taken seriously, but, to him, she'd taken it to a near-ridiculous extreme.

Before he could come up with some convincing reason why he shouldn't have to spend another evening doing Valens' busywork, his colleagues started peppering the air with their own half-assed excuses.

"You kiddin' me?" Lilly asked, rubbing her right hand ruefully. "I've spent all day takin' notes while Scotty does all the talking." She cast a teasing glance at her boyfriend and added, "That's not our angle. Never has been."

Scotty grinned. "I know, I know. You talk, I listen. Hey, how's that workin' out for you?"

"Not so well lately," Lilly giggled. "You talk, and talk, and talk, and _talk_, and I'm too busy writing down everything you say that I can't even ask my own questions. I'm not a detective anymore, I'm your damn secretary," she complained good-naturedly.

"Secretary, huh?" Scotty responded with a teasing grin and a presumably seductive wiggle of his eyebrows, and Vera rolled his eyes. Normally, these two didn't bother him, but tonight…tonight was a different story altogether. Tonight, they were borderline nauseating.

"I've been writing so much I have a hand cramp," Lilly was protesting. "I didn't work my ass off getting to Homicide to get a hand cramp."

"I'm sorry," Scotty replied, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I think you've done enough writing for today."

"Damn straight," she shot back with a dazzling smile.

Scotty then glanced around at the others. His eyes lit on Kat briefly, a teasing light shining in them, but Kat quickly shut it down with one of the fiercest glares Vera had ever seen from her, and he'd seen many. He wasn't entirely sure what the hell all that was about, but Scotty quickly looked away, just a touch uncomfortably, and said, "Oh, right. You're busy."

"You bet your ass I'm busy," Kat responded, gathering up her things from her desk. "It's Wednesday night."

_It's Wednesday night for me, too, _Vera griped inwardly.

"Will?" Scotty asked with a grin, turning his attention in Jeffries' direction.

"I got court," Jeffries replied automatically, not even glancing up from what he was doing.

"Court?" Vera burst out incredulously. "It's after six! Court's over!"

"Besides, you used that excuse last night," Lilly added pointedly.

Jeffries shrugged. "Fine. It's not court. It's Miles Davis Night at the Blue Note." He glanced meaningfully in Kat's direction, then added, "and I'm not missin' it this time."

"What's the big deal about this time?" Scotty asked.

"This time," Jeffries replied, as he rose from his chair and grabbed his coat, "I'm not goin' alone." Smiling broadly, he left his co-workers in stunned silence as he donned his hat and strolled out of the office.

"Well, well," Lilly commented as she glanced at Scotty. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, then headed for the hallway. "Meet you downstairs?"

Scotty nodded and grinned, then turned to his colleagues. "Guess I ain't the only one with a social life," he remarked.

Vera glanced up at Kat, only to find him glaring back at her. He wanted to snap back, to tell her that, of course, he'd learned her peculiarities far better than he cared to, and he had no intention of violating her sacred oath, but, of course, he couldn't do that. He gritted his teeth and rolled his eyes.

"Looks like you're the lucky winner again, Nicky," Scotty declared, tossing the file on Vera's desk.

"Fine," Vera griped, the irritation rising, then glared at Scotty as he opened the file.

He waited until Valens was almost out the door, then grumbled, "Least I got the balls to propose to my girlfriend."


	40. I Just Want You To Know

**A/N: Lilly and Scotty wanted a break this chapter, so I talked to Kat and Vera, and they were more than happy to fill in. This chapter is also on the short-ish side, but shortness = increased odds that there will be another update before Christmas.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I do own way more Nutcracker stamps than I will ever be able to use.**

* * *

**Chapter Forty: I Just Want You To Know**

_I don't want to say I'm right  
I just want you to know_

Upon hearing some vague, garbled muttering from his colleague, Scotty stopped on his way out of the office and turned back toward their cluster of desks.

"You say somethin', Nicky?" he asked lightly, shrugging into his overcoat.

Vera seethed inwardly as he wrestled with his decision. He desperately wanted to just whirl around, look Scotty in the eye, and repeat his comment…but he realized, to his chagrin, that to do so would probably be ill-advised. Hell, no_ probably_ about it, he reasoned. Definitely. Especially with the murderous glare he sensed coming from the desk next to his. Vera could feel the angry heat from Kat's gaze without even a glance in her direction, and he quickly decided that it would be safer for all involved if he didn't look. He suddenly imagined himself glancing over at his fiancée and then bursting into a colorful fireball, something like poorly-done CGI in a cheesy B-list sci-fi flick.

_Actually, that might not be so bad, _he mused grouchily. He tossed the possibilities around in his head for another split second, the words on the very tip of his tongue, struggling against their restraints, pawing and snorting and just waiting for the go-ahead…but, in the end, he sighed heavily and surrendered to the iron will of Kat Miller. Again. Like always. Dammit.

"Nah," he replied with a casual shrug, not trusting himself to glance up from the pile of paperwork Valens had just stuck him with. "You and Lil have a nice night," he added, with just a hint of derision.

"Yeah, thanks," Scotty replied cheerfully as he left. "You, too, Nicky."

"Oh, you know I will," Vera called after him sarcastically, but Scotty's briskly retreating footsteps told him that his colleague was no doubt so wrapped up in whatever raunchy plans he was making for his evening that he'd either missed the sarcasm completely, or else he was just choosing to ignore it. More likely the former, Vera decided with a humorless chuckle, since no way in hell would Scotty ever let him have the last word. Not that that made Valens unique. No one ever let him have the last word.

Vera shot a glare in the direction of the hallway, then turned his attention back to his paperwork. Part of him sorely wished Valens _had _heard his earlier crack about proposing. Scotty had been carrying that damn engagement ring around for weeks, ever since that day when he and Jeffries had spent their lunch hour poring over diamond websites. While his two colleagues discussed cut and carat and all the rest, Vera had lurked quietly in the background, pretending to be filling out an interview report while he absorbed every last word of Jeffries' expertise. Then, the minute he'd arrived home that night, he'd called the diamond dealer and confidently placed an order.

The ring had arrived just a few days later, and he'd proposed to Miller without so much as a second thought. No muss, no fuss, no doubt, no elaborate plans, no second-guessing, just an impulsive decision one morning to wedge the ring in the soft, chewy sweetness of a glazed donut. It was the perfect way to propose to a woman who he was sure wouldn't be impressed by something cheesy like a fancy dinner, and, to be honest, he couldn't believe such a genius idea had occurred to him. Years ago, he'd been so terrified to ask Julie that he'd never gotten around to it, instead forcing her to ask him…but now, he'd grown up, and proposed to the most amazing, and admittedly most frightening, woman he'd ever met, without any hesitation whatsoever. It was, no doubt, one of his finest, most brilliant moments, and he desperately wished he could gloat about it. Especially to Valens. Mister Casanova himself. The man who never met a woman he couldn't win over with just a flirty look and a grin, yet who somehow couldn't find the wherewithal to propose to Lilly, the alleged love of his life. The man who'd mocked him mercilessly for forcing Julie to propose herself. Maybe Vera hadn't grown up as much as he thought, he realized, because he wanted to gloat so badly he could taste it.

And not just gloat. Oh, sure, gloating was a big part of it, hell, that was at least half of how he and Valens communicated on a regular basis, and although a big part of him desperately wanted to drop that bomb on Scotty, to see the stunned look on his face, to know that there was no way in hell Valens could top that, _ever_…the other part of him, the part that respected Scotty and deeply valued his friendship, the part that looked forward to their Saturday basketball games no matter the outcome, the part that wanted to look out for him and keep him from screwing up even more than he already had…just wanted to share with him. Wanted to say, _hey, man, you ain't the only one madly in love with a fantastic woman. And it ain't Toni, either...it's your partner._

But, of course, he couldn't. Because the part of him that usually made his decisions for him, the part of him that longed, more than anything, to avoid conflict, to keep the peace, to just keep everyone happy, insisted that he keep a lid on it. After all, it really didn't matter, in the long run, whether he got to gloat about it or not. It didn't make a damn bit of difference whether anyone knew the truth, as long as he got to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loved, right? _Right?_

Suddenly, in a fit of irritation, Vera realized he was completely unconvinced. In fact, he discovered…it was total bullshit. He was head over heels in love with Kat Miller, she'd agreed to marry him, he was gaining an amazing wife and an equally amazing stepdaughter, and, dammit, he wanted to share it, not just with Scotty, but with the world. In that moment, he realized he'd just about had it with Kat and her ridiculous insistence on keeping the entire thing cloaked in secrecy. He knew she had her reasons, and he knew they were good ones, but he was sick and tired of keeping his point of view under wraps, sick and tired of pretending he was in love with Toni. Oh, he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that there'd be hell to pay for his offhanded remark to Scotty, knew that spilling the beans about dating was one thing, but an engagement, an impending marriage, was something else altogether, knew that there was a more-than-decent chance that he and Kat would be arguing about it before the day was out and his efforts at keeping the peace would be all for naught. But right now? Frankly, he couldn't give a rat's ass.

As the pressure of his pen on the paperwork steadily increased, Vera still felt Kat's eyes boring holes into him, glaring at him, attempting to light him on fire.

"What?" he finally snapped, still not bothering to look up. There was no point. He knew what he'd see. Bad CGI flames, and then…_kablooie._

"Have you lost your mind?" she demanded, her voice quiet, yet fierce. Kat had been sitting there for what seemed like hours, watching him, waiting for him to realize his mistake, to glance over apologetically, and then everything would be fine. Their co-workers thinking he was seeing Toni was one thing; a fairly easy story...but if they knew he was getting married? It didn't make a damn bit of difference who he planned to marry, that changed things. Marriage meant forever, and when they never saw him with Toni, ever...they'd question. Of course they'd question. They were Homicide detectives, for God's sake. They'd figure out that the Toni story was just that...a story...and then they'd go digging around for the truth.

It had been close, entirely too close, but had he made that one simple move, that one apologetic glance, she would have given him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his remark really had been careless. Maybe he just wasn't thinking. But the way Vera was sitting there, silently, knowing she was glaring at him but refusing to meet her eyes…that told her that not only did he know what he'd said, he'd done it on purpose. And, upon realizing that, she was livid.

"Not that I know of," he griped in reply as he lowered his pen to the desk and finally got the courage to meet his fiancee's fiery glare. "But I can't seem to find my spine. You seen it anywhere?"

Kat stared at him in disbelief. "You got somethin' you wanna say to me, just say it," she ordered, her eyes narrowing.

Vera opened his mouth to reply, but Kat cut him off. "In there," she added, indicating the interview room with a jerk of her thumb.

"You sure you wanna go in there?" he asked sarcastically as he rose from his desk. "I dunno if that's such a good idea. Someone might sneak into Observation and spy on us."

"Guess that's just a risk we'll have to take," she responded, her voice icy, as she stormed toward the interview room.

"Wow. That's a first," Vera replied, heading in after her.

The second he clicked the door shut, Kat, who had taken a position on the other side of the table, whirled around and laid into him. "What the hell is this about?" she demanded, hands on her hips.

"Don't act like you don't know," he shot back.

"Oh, I know," she retorted. "No way in hell I don't know. What I wanna know is, are you gonna be man enough to actually _say_ it, or do I gotta drag it outta you?"

Vera rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you're gonna be so juvenile that you're not even gonna talk to me about this until I tell you why I'm mad," he scoffed.

"_Juvenile_?" Kat repeated incredulously, her eyebrows shooting almost halfway up her forehead. "You think bein' an adult and actually talkin' about whatever it is that's makin' you act like a pissy teenage girl is more juvenile than…than sittin' there actin' like a pissy teenage girl?"

"I shouldn't have to_ tell _you," Vera replied, gesturing angrily. "It's a waste of time. Any idiot can see why I'm pissed off."

"That work with Julie?" Kat snapped. "She read your mind so you didn't actually have to talk about your problems?"

Vera nearly choked in surprise. "Julie?" he repeated in utter disbelief. "You're draggin' _Julie _into this?" Kat Miller, the woman who'd staunchly refused to have so much as dinner with a man since Veronica was born, the woman who was more closed-off than anyone he'd ever met, was not only demanding that he be the one to spill his guts, but using his failed marriage as ammunition? Struck by the irony, he laughed humorlessly.

"What?" Kat demanded with a glare that got angrier and angrier by the second.

"That's rich," he chuckled. "Someone who's never once had a successful relationship givin' advice to someone who was married for over a decade? You kiddin' me?"

That comment stung, but Kat refused to admit it, and redoubled her efforts to get the conversation back on track. This wasn't about her, this was about Vera.

"And pissed it away by refusin' to talk about what was botherin' you, gettin' drunk, and hoppin' into bed with some strange nurse every time things at home weren't all hunky-dory," she shot back.

"Hey, I walked the line with Julie," Vera protested. "And what the hell do you think gives you to the right to drag her into this, anyway?" He folded his arms across his chest and issued another short, humorless bark. "Talk about actin' like a pissy teenage girl," he muttered.

"_You_ gave me that right," Kat retorted, her voice growing much louder than she'd intended. "You said you didn't wanna make the same mistakes you did with Julie. You said you wanted to do it right this time. So I'm callin' you on your shit and helpin' you do it right."

"Oh, well… how _very_ kind of you," Vera responded sarcastically.

Kat sighed in frustration. "Look," she snapped. "You wanna talk about takin' risks? I'm takin' a big one here. I don't _do _relationships. I don't risk my heart, and I sure as hell don't risk my daughter's. Veronica and I were fine on our own. I'd made a life for us, and it worked. We didn't need anyone." She trailed off, gathering her courage, stuffing her emotions back down into the black hole where she usually kept them before continuing. "And then _you _came along and…and…"

"And what?" Vera roared back, his eyes suddenly wild.

"Made me fall in love with you, you jackass," she shouted back, all efforts to keep her feelings out of her voice suddenly blowing up in her face. "My world is turned completely upside-down, I'm doin' things I never thought in a million years that I'd do…I've risked my heart, I've risked V's…to be engaged to someone who drinks as a coping mechanism and shuts down whenever there's a conflict," she finished angrily.

Vera turned away, hoping the hurt of her remark wouldn't be as obvious on his face as he was suddenly convinced that it must be. "Minus the drinkin', you just described you," he retorted gruffly.

Kat didn't have an answer for that, and Vera knew he'd scored several points. Normally, he would have gloated about this, but the sudden stinging implication of her remarks prevailed over everything else. Did she regret saying yes? Was she having second thoughts?

He turned back to face her, the anger suddenly gone from his eyes. "So's that why you're ashamed of this?" he asked, his voice soft and plaintive.

Kat's heart filled with compassion as she looked into his eyes and read the sadness there. "_Ashamed _of this?" she repeated in disbelief. "I'm not…ashamed. Why the hell do you think I'd be ashamed?"

"Oh, I dunno," Vera snapped sarcastically, his eyes suddenly sparking with renewed anger. "Maybe it's 'cause you've never told our co-workers, our friends, that we're together. Maybe it's 'cause the only way you'll let me tell anyone is if I pretend I'm in love with someone else. Maybe it's 'cause you won't even tell 'em you're seein' somebody."

Kat opened her mouth to protest, to tell her that Scotty knew that she was, in fact, dating someone, but Vera wasn't finished.

"Maybe it's 'cause you're wearin' that engagement ring on a damn chain around your neck like it's a fuckin' class ring from your high school sweetheart," he spat, the hurt once again clearly evident in his voice, his eyes…everywhere.

Kat froze. She'd give anything, do anything to get that hurt look out of his eyes…but he was asking the one thing she couldn't give, and he knew that. He _knew _that. That had been their deal from the beginning.

Unable to meet his gaze any longer, unable to stand the pain she saw in his hazel eyes, she looked at the floor, folded her arms across her chest, and responded quietly. "You knew what you were gettin' into, Nick. You know I got issues."

"Issues, yeah," Vera replied angrily, pacing on the opposite side of the table. "And issues…issues I can deal with. But there's issues, and then there's just bein' totally ridiculous, and I don't think I gotta tell you what side of the line you're on. You're so far past the ridiculous line you can't even _see_ it anymore."

"You think protectin' my career, protectin' my reputation, is _ridiculous_?" she asked, her voice suddenly trembling with fury. "Do you have any idea how hard this job is as a black single mother?"

"No, 'cause I'm the poor dumb white guy who'll never understand no matter how hard he tries," he shot back. "What the hell's that got to do with anything?"

Kat shot him a lethal glare, but he didn't back down, and she continued. "You got any idea how hard it was for me to get a job in Narcotics? You got any idea how many times I applied for that and got turned down? It took _years, _Nick. And then I finally get it…and I even get to go undercover. _Undercover._ Me. D'you know how thrilled I was? I was on cloud nine for _days. _But I get out there on the streets, get in over my head, screw up…and I get pregnant." She stopped, laughing humorlessly. "So what now? Can't be undercover anymore, that's for damn sure, not while I'm carryin' a child I plan on keepin'. So…just as fast as I was sent out there, my ass was planted for nine months of desk duty back at North, and I was damn lucky they let me stay in Narcotics in the first place after what I did."

She sighed shakily, knowing she was revealing too much, knowing she was sharing things with Vera she'd never shared with anyone, and part of her brain was screaming at her to just shut the hell up, to not let him know about some of the darkest moments in her life…but her heart refused to obey.

"You should've seen, 'em, Nick," she began, her voice suddenly soft, but still trembling. "The stares…the whispers…the _rumors_. 'Well, now we know how Miller got here.' 'Yeah, too bad she'll only be around for the next six months or so.' 'That slut. Serves her right she got knocked up.' I've been hurt a lot in my life…but that? That was about the worst," she confessed, her eyes suddenly filling with tears, which she tried desperately to blink away.

"And yet somehow, I overcame all that, I worked my ass off provin' myself again, all while I was takin' care of V…and I got to Homicide. _Homicide._ At twenty-eight. Despite everything. Do you realize I'm the youngest one to make Homicide and stick, the second woman, the first black woman? I'm a fuckin' pioneer, Nick…but with my past? With what people know about me? How the hell do you suppose they think I got here?" she demanded softly.

Vera was silent for a moment, and Kat took that opportunity to continue. "Hell, you yourself didn't want me," she told him, her eyes wide. "You tried to make my life miserable, you followed me…Valens even told me you thought I was gay. And you know what?" she asked, with just a trace of an ironic grin. "I welcomed that. 'Cause bein' gay was at least different than the bein' the slut who slept her way to the top."

"I know it's been hard for you," Vera acknowledged quietly, suddenly filled with an overwhelming urge to drive up to North and kick the ass of anyone who'd ever talked trash about his fiancée, but then the need for vengeance faded as he realized the role he'd played in making her first few days in Homicide miserable.

"And I know I didn't help," he added, his eyes suddenly earnest. "I can't imagine the things they said about you back in Narcotics. I had no idea. But here…no one said that shit about you here. Everyone knows you're here 'cause you're one of the best. Boss hand-picked you. The whole department knows that. They know you earned your spot here fair and square, just like the rest of us did. And even if they knew we're together? Even if we had been together back then? Bein' with me…that ain't gonna help you. I don't outrank you. We're equals."

Vera stopped, then chuckled at the ridiculous idea that had suddenly occurred to him. "Hell, the only way you'd sleep your way to the top here is if you were screwin' Boss."

Kat couldn't suppress the trace of a grin that tugged at her lips at that, but Vera continued, his train of thought gathering speed. "And besides, Boss already knows about us. And IAD already knows. We filled out that damn paperwork, same as Rush and Valens. And Will knows. Hell…the only ones who don't know are… Rush and Valens," he finished slowly, the realization beginning to dawn.

"We had to tell Boss," she retorted. "And Will figured it out on his own. Besides, he can keep secrets. He ain't gonna go gossipin' about us to the entire department." Her voice was rising along with her fear as she figured out what Vera was doing. He'd acknowledged the pain of her past, of the whispers and stares and rumors, and supported her desire to protect her career…but he'd also recognized all of it for the smoke screen it really was. Her heart leaped into her throat, and the sick chill of dread filled the pit of her stomach.

"Now, Lil, whatever," he continued with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I ain't gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole. You don't wanna tell her, fine. But _Valens?_ He's one of my best friends. Yours, too, if I ain't mistaken. And he's your partner, for God's sake. What the hell's wrong with tellin' him? Sure, he's a gossip, he'll prob'ly give you crap about it, but give the man a little credit," he implored. "No way is he gonna think you're a slut. He knows you better than that. And, hell, he and Lil were the center of the rumor mill for weeks after they got together. He knows what it's like, so I'm pretty sure he'll know when to back off. And if he doesn't…" Vera grinned confident, "…I can take him."

He glanced at his fiancée, expecting her to make some snide remark at that, but she still didn't respond. His smile fading, he stared at her for a moment, absorbing her uncharacteristic silence… and his suspicions were confirmed. The reasons she'd just given him, valid, compelling, and painful as they were…they weren't the real reasons.

"This ain't about your career, is it?" he asked softly, and the answering silence was deafening.

Vera chuckled again, and Kat finally glanced up from where she was glowering at the floor.

"Y'know, we ain't all that different, you and me," he observed, his voice almost casual. "I don't like facin' my issues and talkin' about 'em…but neither do you. Hell, if we don't face up to this…if we don't talk about the real problem here…then we're headin' down that same road I was on with Julie."

"Are you threatening me?" Kat asked as the fear coursed through her veins. "I don't crack, I don't tell you whatever the hell it is you think you wanna hear, you're gonna leave me?"

"Dammit, Miller," Vera burst out in frustration, leaning his hands on the table and searching her eyes. "I'm not threatenin' you, I'm tryin' to understand!" He paused for a breath, then continued, trying to stay calm, but failing miserably.

"I don't like what we're doin' here," he continued. " I don't like the fact that I've gotten this amazing woman to fall in love with me, to agree to marry me, for God's sake, to trust me with helpin' her raise her daughter, who I love almost as much as I love her…and I can't even tell my best friend about it. I gotta lie to him. I gotta pretend like I'm head-over-heels for my pain-in-the-ass neighbor. I'm tryin' to figure out why I can't tell him the truth, why I can't tell him who I really love. So if you got any idea, could you…I dunno, help a guy out, here?" he implored.

Vera was trying, he really was, and Kat ached to be able to meet him there, to be as wonderful as he was being at the moment, but she just couldn't. Her walls were being threatened, and she lashed out to defend them before she could even think.

"I'm sorry you can't swap locker room stories with Valens," she snapped sarcastically.

"Oh, for God's sake!" Vera replied in exasperation, slapping the table with both hands. "This ain't about that! Don't you see? Valens doesn't _do _that anymore. He doesn't tell me what Lil's like in bed, and I sure as hell don't wanna know. You wanna know why? Because he_ loves_ her. He loves her more than I've ever seen him love anyone or anything, ever, and I respect that…because I understand it. I get where he is…'cause I'm there, too," he finished, his voice soft and plaintive. "It ain't about locker room talk. It's about love. About life. About me and Valens havin' somethin' in common."

He paused, remembering, then looked up at Kat again. "Do you have any idea why we kicked each other's asses last month during the Potter job?" he asked. "It was partly 'cause Scotty was misunderstandin' you, and me, and I knew that if I could just tell him you and I were together, if I could just remind him that you have a daughter, that I have a future stepdaughter, the same age as Annie, and how that was tearin' us apart inside, I knew he woulda stopped bein' such a bastard to you, but I couldn't do that…so I had to kick his ass."

"Dammit, Nick," Kat finally exploded. "This isn't about _you."_ She paused, gathering her courage. She had no choice. She had to reveal her real reasons. "It's about me…and my past…and…"

"Jarrod?" Vera ventured blankly, incredulous, yet somehow suspecting that he'd hit on the real truth. "This is about Jarrod?"

Again, Kat was silent, and the certainty slammed into him like a ton of bricks. It was about the mistakes she'd made, but her concern wasn't about her career, necessarily…it was about her…and her whatever the hell it had been…with Veronica's father.

"This is about _Jarrod?_" he asked again, his voice rising. "You're afraid to tell our friends, our co-workers, your partner, that you're with me, because eleven years ago, you knocked boots with a banger thug you were supposed to be throwin' in jail, and you got pregnant?"

"He left us," she shot back.

"_Left_ you?" Vera shouted in disbelief. "You didn't love him. You yourself said he was a one-night stand. How the hell can that possibly hurt so much you shut your heart down for over a decade?"

"That's not what this is," she replied, but Vera remained unconvinced.

"Coulda fooled me," he retorted, "'Cause the way I see it, you think Jarrod abandoned you and Veronica, when in reality, the reason V didn't have a dad is 'cause you had to, I dunno, do your job and throw his sorry ass in jail for ten to fifteen."

Normally, the fiery sparks that were shooting from Kat's eyes would have forced him to back off, but this time, for once, he didn't give a rat's ass.

"So here I am, an innocent bystander," he continued angrily, "who's not a banger thug, who's not someone your job dictates you stay the hell away from, and I'm helpin' you raise that banger thug's little girl…and you're comparin' me to him? You're afraid to go public with this 'cause of what happened with him eleven years ago? You're punishin' me for what you think he did to you?" he demanded, gesturing angrily.

"It's not because of him…it's because of what _I _did!" she exploded, all pretense completely gone. "I let him into my head, I let him into my heart, and I let him sweet-talk me into bed with him. I was undercover, and I was so wrapped up in bein'…that girl from the hood, that girl I swore I'd never be…that I became her anyway. I became what I spent my whole life fightin' not to be." She stopped for a moment to catch her breath, trying to regain her composure at least a little bit.

When she spoke again after a moment, it was barely above a whisper.

"I screwed up so many different ways that one night I can't even count 'em all, and V's payin' the price, and so are you. And I'm sorry for that, I really am, but I just can't…" she trailed off.

"You're tellin' me there's somethin' Kat Miller can't overcome?" Vera asked softly, with just the barest trace of a smile. "You made Homicide as a single, black, twenty-eight year-old mother. You overcame the rumors, the gossip, the shit we made up here that wasn't even true. You've stared down bangers and taken down dealers and gotten shot and done things I can't even begin to imagine…and you can't forgive yourself for a dumb mistake you made eleven years ago? A dumb mistake anyone coulda made?"

"I gotta be perfect now," she spat back. "I know it's stupid, I know it doesn't make sense, but to make up for what I did, I gotta be perfect. I gotta protect myself. I can't take risks. I can't let there be any doubt, any question…anything."

"You screwed up," he acknowledged. "No way around it. You screwed up big. You fell for a guy you were supposed to be arrestin', and you let him knock you up. But...for God's sake, Kat, look at your daughter. She's amazing. I know how much you love her. Anyone with eyes can see that. So…if you could go back and do it all over again, knowin' that you wouldn't screw up, but you wouldn't have Veronica…would you do it different?" he asked, knowing the answer before she even spoke.

Kat paused for a moment, her eyes filling with tears, and finally, she slowly shook her head.

"Look," Vera said gently, taking her hand and lifting her chin so their eyes met. "You had a life with her, and it worked. You walled yourself off from everyone because you had to. I get that. But then, for some reason I can't even begin to figure out, you took a chance on me. And…I think it's worked out pretty good. I'm happier than I've ever been before in my life, and I know you are, too. But when you're so damn stubborn, and you won't even tell your partner, won't tell our best friends, the people who'd take a bullet for us in a heartbeat, the ones who've got our back…when you're makin' me lie about who I'm really in love with..." he trailed off, wondering if he should say what he really felt, then deciding he owed her nothing less. "…it kinda makes me wonder what we're doin' here."

He saw a flash of fear in her eyes, and swore inwardly. He hadn't meant to scare her. Well…okay…maybe a little.

"I'm not givin' you an ultimatum," he reassured her. "And I'm not threatenin' to leave you, 'cause I couldn't. No way. But...you gotta forgive yourself. You gotta look past your own crap for one second. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops. You don't have to tell anyone tomorrow. But…can you at least think about maybe tellin' 'em somethin'?" he pleaded softly.

Kat sighed shakily, then glanced down at her watch. "Nick…it's almost seven…I gotta…I gotta go…it's ballet class…"

Without another word, she was gone, and Vera stood in the interview room wondering what the hell had just happened. He'd thought they made progress, thought they'd communicated like adults, shared on a level he'd never shared with anyone before…and then she just up and left. What the hell did that even mean?

_Figure it out later, _he told himself. _You got Man Candy's paperwork to do._

* * *

**A/N: So what does this have to do with Scotty's proposal? You'll find out. Trust me.**


	41. I Do But I Don't

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. But Scotty SO owns that black leather jacket.**

* * *

**Chapter Forty-One: I Do, But I Don't**

_I do, but I don't  
I want to, but I won't  
I am, but I ain't  
I could, but I just can't_

The next morning dawned with snow and sleet spitting from a leaden sky, and a cold wind flinging the tiny crystals of ice against the apartment windows. Scotty wasn't sure whether that was what had awakened him, or whether it was the soft moan he heard from Lilly as she stirred in her sleep, burrowed into the covers, and nestled herself more deeply into his arms. Either way, he suddenly found himself wide awake for at least the fifth time since they'd fallen into bed the previous evening.

Scotty pulled Lilly closer to him and sighed. He'd been holding her like that for most of the night, at least, the part of the night he'd actually been in bed and not pacing the floor of his living room, trying to figure out why the hell he still couldn't ask her to marry him. There wasn't any good reason not to…not anymore. They were recovered from the emotional upheaval of the situation with Ellen, they were together, they were happy, and Lilly was looking at him with a depth of love he'd never seen from her before. What was more, they'd had a great evening, an evening filled with Chinese takeout and snarking a bad movie on TV. Nothing had been particularly special…and that had made the whole evening special. The laughter, the gentle teasing, the easy contentment that came from just being together…that, Scotty realized, was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life. Just being himself with Lilly. Laughing, joking, sneaking bites of her General Tso's when she wasn't looking, and then later, in bed…he wanted that. All of that. Forever. And the ring was there, in his dresser, not six feet away from him. All he had to do was ask. At least four separate times, the words had been on the tip of his tongue, but they'd died there before he could utter them. Each time, Lilly had looked at him quizzically, but he'd always shrugged, grinned, and distracted her with a kiss.

With another sigh, he realized that the fitful sleep that had claimed him somewhere in the dead of night was long-gone, and there was no need for his alarm. Gently, he reached across Lilly to silence it and then wrapped his arms around her once more, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and inhaling deeply of that intoxicating floral scent.

_God, what I wouldn't give to wake up like this every morning for the next fifty years, _he groaned inwardly, all the frustrations from his middle-of-the-night pacing rapidly resurfacing.

All he had to do was ask. That was all he'd had to do since the day the ring arrived. It had seemed so easy that day. Just pop the ring out and ask. Nothin' to it. Easy as pie. And that night, that night he'd almost proposed before they'd gotten called in on the Potter job, he hadn't been scared at all. Okay, maybe a little bit…but nothing compared to how terrified he was now.

Scotty realized, upon reflecting on their cozy evening, that what they already had together was fantastic. Wonderful. Better than he could have ever hoped for, and far more than he ever thought he deserved. So what the hell was his problem that he couldn't just be with Lilly without wanting to slap a label on it, without needing to make it official, without needing the church and the priest and the flowers and all that other crap?

He didn't know. Hadn't the faintest idea…but he wanted it just the same. Wanted it so badly he could taste it.

And yet something was stopping him from asking her for it, something was holding him back. Some nameless fear, something that, if he could just identify it, wrestle it to the ground and look at it, maybe, maybe there'd be a chance in hell he could deal with it. Right now, though…right now he had no clue what he was afraid of. He was terrified she'd say no, sure, terrified that her damage and her issues would prevent her from being able to believe in forever, to hope for forever, to say yes, especially now that he knew just how deep those wounds truly ran. But there was also something bigger, something deeper, something much, much darker that he'd only begun to be dimly aware of somewhere in the neighborhood of three in the morning. Something, he realized, that was probably the real reason he was utterly paralyzed ever time he thought of asking that fateful question.

_Bigger than Lil sayin' no? _he'd asked himself, the sickening chills of dread and panic washing through him. If it was bigger than that, if it was worse than that…he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

But if he never knew…then he could never fight it off, could never overcome it…could never have what he wanted more than anything in the world.

_What the hell kinda man are you, Valens? All you gotta do is ask_.

If only it were that easy.

* * *

Lilly stirred again a few minutes later and awakened slowly, filled with that sense of blissful contentment she always had when she woke up in Scotty's arms. His embrace was so strong…so safe…so warm. For the first time in her life, she felt loved, and cared for, and protected, and for the first time in her life, she was able to trust those feelings. Scotty was looking out for her. He had her back. As he always had, from the moment they met.

"Morning," she said, snuggling closer to him and pressing a kiss to the muscled curve of his shoulder.

"Mornin', Lil," he replied softly, answering her kiss with one of his own, but something in his voice gave her pause. He wasn't quite all right today, for whatever reason. She glanced around, taking in the gloomy weather she could see peeking in from his bedroom window, the heavy, brooding clouds, the swirling snow…maybe that was the reason he was a bit off today.

"You okay?" she asked him, searching his eyes. They were hollow and ringed with dark circles, the fine lines on his face etched more deeply than normal. He obviously hadn't slept well. Was that why he seemed different? And why hadn't he slept?

_Crap, _Scotty muttered inwardly. Lil was doing that detective thing again. She'd figure him out if he wasn't careful. Dammit. He loved her with all his heart, but sometimes, he fervently wished his girlfriend wasn't one of Philly's sharpest murder cops.

"Just didn't sleep all that good," he replied casually. "Dunno why. I'm fine," he lied, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Lilly acquiesced to his embrace, enjoying the warmth of being pressed up against his bare chest, the reassurance of his strong, steady heartbeat, the comfort of that familiar spicy scent that never failed to fill her heart with love…but she far from convinced by his claim to be fine. Fine? Please. That was _her _line.

"Scotty," she began with a teasing grin, pulling away from him so she could look into his eyes. "Fine? Really? You're gonna go with fine?"

"Okay, not fine. Great," he replied. "Fantastic. Never better." He smiled gamely, but that was even less convincing than his earlier claims of "fine."

"Uh-huh," she responded. "Any chance you wanna talk about whatever's bothering you?" she asked, trailing the back of her hand over his cheek, though she was fairly certain of the answer before he even spoke.

"Nope," Scotty replied cheerfully, punctuating his answer by capturing her hand and pressing a kiss to her fingertips. "'Cause I'm fine."

With a sigh, Lilly searched his eyes again. He definitely hadn't slept well, that much was true, and she knew there was a good deal more that he wasn't telling her…but she also knew that, whatever was eating him, he wasn't quite ready to talk about it yet. She knew that look well, having seen it on the faces of hundreds of people throughout her years as a detective. With some witnesses, especially those who were well on their way to becoming suspects, she used the look as a launching pad to press them until they cracked…but other witnesses, especially the traumatized friends and family members of victims, needed to be handled with care, tact, and an enormous amount of patience. And right now…Scotty was in that place. She had no idea quite what was bothering him, but she knew, from experience both with him and with others, not to mention how she herself felt when she wasn't quite ready to talk about her problems, that pressing him on it would be pointless.

"Okay," she agreed, trailing kisses over the center of his chest and up the side of his neck. "Then…I'm gonna go hop in the shower…wanna join me?" she purred with a suggestive glance.

Scotty groaned. He wanted to, God, did he want to…but with that damn splint on his hand, there was no way in hell he could do the things he usually did when he and Lil showered together. And that knowledge, combined with his already frustrated, almost emasculated mood…that was just too much.

"Think I'll pass today," he said, holding up his splinted right hand. "Gotta get a pain pill in me before I do anything else."

Lilly nodded, kissed him again, and climbed from bed, wrapping his shirt around her. Maybe the cold was making his hand even more painful than usual. Maybe that was what had kept him up, and shadowed his eyes with that hollow look she'd come to dread. Maybe all he needed was his meds, and he'd be back to his old self.

"Okay, Scotty…" she agreed slowly, bending down to kiss him once more. "See you in a few."

* * *

A few minutes later, Lilly was dressed, her makeup was done, and she was blow-drying her hair in Scotty's kitchen while he had his turn in the shower, the bathroom being far too small for both of them to be in there at the same time. This was one of the reasons she didn't like staying at Scotty's apartment, and she wondered, for at least the sixteenth time, why he'd insisted on staying there the previous night instead of at her place, like they usually did.

_Seventeenth_, she corrected irately, as the cord from the blow-dryer caught on her coffee mug and knocked it over, causing the hot liquid to spill lavishly all over the counter and the floor, but mercifully missing her clothes.

"Dammit," she burst out, hastily pulling the blow-dryer cord from the wall, yanking several paper towels from the roll, and mopping up the spill.

"You can say that again," Scotty griped as he came in from the bedroom, wearing only a towel, his face even stormier than it had been earlier. Ignoring the spill, he brushed past Lilly and grabbed a mug from the cabinet, which he hurriedly filled with the rest of the coffee from the pot and began guzzling as though his life depended on it.

"You're welcome," Lilly replied sarcastically, pointedly stepping around him with her wad of coffee-soaked paper towels to continue cleaning up.

"Sorry," he apologized, setting the coffee mug on the counter and briskly rubbing his arms with his hands, trying to coax some life back into them. "I'm just freezin' my ass off."

"Freezing?" Lilly asked incredulously, taking in his chattering teeth and the goosebumps mottling his skin. "Didn't you just get out of the shower?"

"Yeah," he replied, shooting her a slight glare as he reached for his mug, "but _someone_ used up all the hot water."

Lilly's mouth opened in shock. "Are you sayin' that's _my_ fault?" she demanded.

"Well, you did go first," he pointed out casually, taking another sip of coffee.

"Hey," Lilly protested, tossing the paper towels on the counter and whirling to face him. "I was in there _maybe _ten minutes. And I offered to share. And if we'd stayed at my place last night instead of here, we'd have had plenty of hot water. Not to mention room to dry my hair," she added, gesturing defiantly at the blow-dryer that adorned Scotty's kitchen counter.

"I knew it," he burst out unexpectedly, and Lilly jumped slightly. "I _knew _you hated my apartment. Y'know, if you'd just say it insteada makin' me read your---"

"Scotty," Lilly pointed out calmly. "_You _hate your apartment. And why the hell did we even stay here last night, anyway? You said you had your reasons, but you never did tell me what they were."

Scotty sighed angrily. Yeah. He had his reasons. His reasons involved being in close proximity to the ring, so, if the moment seemed right, he could just go in, grab it, ask her, and be done with it. But, whether the moment had been right or not, he hadn't been able to seize it, and he was beginning to seriously question whether _any _moment would seem right, if he would, in fact, be able to recognize the perfect moment if it bit him in the ass, or whether he'd just live the rest of his life as the man who was too chickenshit to propose to his girlfriend.

Lilly watched the emotions flickering across his face as thoughts were obviously tumbling through his head, but he didn't share any of them with her. He looked annoyed, he looked frustrated, but he still wasn't talking…and suddenly, she'd had it up to here with him and his moods and his tiny, crappy apartment. Angrily, she pulled her still-damp hair back into a ponytail, grabbed her purse, and turned to leave.

"Whatever, Scotty," she tossed over her shoulder, yanking the door open. "I'm goin' to work."

_Great_, Scotty thought as the door slammed shut behind her. _Forget askin' her to marry you…now you just gotta get her speakin' to you again. Y'know what, Valens? You give new meaning to the word 'impotent.'"_

He couldn't figure out quite what had gone wrong, couldn't decide whether to chase after her, laws of decency be damned, or whether he just needed to let them have some time to cool off and let things get back to normal on their own. Probably the latter, he decided. This wasn't a fight, this was just…bickering. At least, he was pretty sure that was all it was. In his foggy, frustrated, half-frozen state, though, he didn't know for sure.

He did know one thing, though, he realized with a rueful grin as he retreated into the bedroom with his coffee to get ready for work. That? Had definitely not been the perfect moment.

* * *

By the time Scotty arrived at work, Lilly had already gone out on an interview with Jeffries, and Stillman promptly sent him out with Miller for another. She didn't seem to be in a great mood, either, as evidenced by the fact that the two barely spoke on their way out to the parking lot, deciding who would drive, as usual, via a rousing game of Rock Paper Scissors, but devoid of the snark and gloating that such a game usually entailed. Scotty won, but he was so enveloped in the dark, gloomy cloud of his indescribably foul mood that he didn't even react, just slid the keys into the ignition and drove sullenly to their destination.

At least, in the general direction of their destination.

"What the hell, Valens?" Kat suddenly demanded, her voice almost shrill. "That exit back there, you plan on takin' it, or d'you think you know some kinda shortcut?"

"What exit?" Scotty asked blankly, consulting the rear-view mirror. "Shit," he muttered when he realized that he had, in fact, shot past the needed exit at 80 mph and now had not much of a clue how to get where they were going.

"Shoulda let me drive," Kat griped, sinking lower in her seat and folding her arms across her chest.

"Then you shoulda known that paper covers rock," he sniped back, merging across two lanes simultaneously, in order to take the nearest exit and double back, to the consternation of at least three other drivers.

"Didn't think you'd be dumb enough to go with paper," she shot back, her voice filled with a sense of anger that managed to poke through the bubble of Scotty's bad mood and make him realize that, although she was a grouch on the best of days, she was far more irate about a simple game of Rock Paper Scissors than she should have been, and this finally gave him pause.

"What the hell's eatin' you?" he demanded, tossing a glare at his partner.

"I could ask you the same thing," Kat retorted. "You're actin' like you got PMS, 'cept I'm pretty sure you don't get that. Course, if you do, it'd sure explain a lot," she added with a shrug.

Scotty cast a withering glance in her direction. "See, you got a ready-made excuse," he shot back. "Anytime you're a bitch on wheels, you can blame it on hormones."

"That all you men think about?" she demanded, her voice quivering with a fury that, quite frankly, frightened Scotty. He had no idea what she was mad about, and he was both afraid, and curious, to find out what it was. "You're all just a buncha Neanderthals, blamin' women for all your problems, and then blamin' all _those _problems on hormones. Damn buncha chauvinist pigs," she griped.

"You got somethin' you wanna talk about, Miller?" Scotty asked sharply. "'Cause I ain't exactly in the mood to be lumped in with whoever the hell it is you're mad at."

"Talk?" she scoffed. "To _you_? Oh, hell, no."

"Fine," Scotty agreed, feeling somewhat more confident now that he had a vague idea of where he was going, both on the road and with this conversation. "Then you got a choice. You either tell me what your problem is…or you gotta listen to me talk about Lil," he declared proudly. The plan was foolproof. She never wanted to hear him talk about Lilly. Ever.

He grew increasingly uncomfortable, however, when, to his surprise, Kat thought for a long moment, far longer than he would have liked.

"Fine," she finally snapped. "Tell me your latest drama with Lil."

Scotty was dumbfounded. He hadn't counted on her calling his bluff. He wasn't prepared to discuss this…with anyone. Least of all not with an exceptionally bitchy Kat Miller.

"You're bluffin'," he declared.

"Try me," she challenged. "'Cause I ain't tellin' you what's buggin' me, and I figure if you tell me what's buggin' you, then maybe I'll cheer up."

Scotty laughed humorlessly. "Now that, I'd like to see. Me talkin' about Lil cheerin' you up."

"You got nothin' to lose, Valens," she shot back, and Scotty realized, to his chagrin, that she was right.

_What the hell? _he asked himself._ Nothin' else your sorry ass has tried has worked._

"Fine," he agreed, then sighed heavily, the exhalation taking with it a good deal of his anger and leaving him instead with that infuriating sense of helpless impotence he'd had since the night before. "I still haven't asked Lil to marry me," he admitted softly.

Kat was about to sling an insult at him, but a glance over at his face stopped him. The anger was suddenly gone, and he was in genuine pain, she realized. Quickly, she shoved her anger to the side. After all, her problem was not with Scotty…and his definitely wasn't with her.

"Do you_ wanna_ marry her?" she asked coolly.

"Yeah," Scotty replied. "More than anything."

"So what's the problem? How come you haven't asked her?" she pressed.

Scotty sighed. "I…I can't," he admitted. _There it is. You just handed her the knife. Course, she won't be able to cut your balls off, 'cause they're already long gone._

Kat chuckled gently. "You're tellin' me you can't? _You?_ Superman? There's somethin' you can't do?" she asked incredulously, her tone snarky, but gentle, and Scotty was immensely grateful. It was the perfect blend of their usual sarcasm and just a hint of compassion. Not sympathy, he noticed, and for that he could have hugged her. He hated sympathy. Couldn't stand it, and he could read it from a mile away. But compassion…compassion, he didn't mind…and right now, he realized, it was sorely needed.

"I was goin' to," he told her. "Honest. Couple days after I got the ring, I had it in my pocket, we'd had a great night, and I was gettin' ready to ask her…but then Boss called us in on the Potter job, and I just couldn't ask then. I was so damn glad she was still speakin' to me after that mess that I didn't wanna push it."

"You were smart to wait," Kat agreed. "You don't go makin' big important decisions durin' somethin' like that."

"Thanks," Scotty replied simply. Her vote of confidence, her reassuring him that not proposing while Lilly was reliving her worst nightmares…that helped enormously. He'd done the right thing after all.

"And then there was that thing with her mom…" he continued, not wanting, or needing, to go into details.

"Uh-huh…" Kat replied, in that leading tone she always used with suspects. That tone that told Scotty that she knew something he didn't, and he realized just how infuriating it must be to be on the receiving end of a Kat Miller interrogation.

"What?" he demanded sharply.

"So what's stoppin' you now?" she asked, her voice quiet, her look direct.

Scotty froze. That was the real question. What _was _stopping him now?

The words poured forth in a flood, all efforts to preserve what little remained of his dignity falling by the wayside in his desperation to get this mess out in the open and look at it, to see if maybe he could figure things out.

"I dunno, Kat," he replied helplessly. "I honestly don't. And I think if I did, maybe I could get up the guts to ask her, but I was up half the night thinkin' about it, and got nowhere, and it's so damn frustratin'," he admitted. "I'm just---" he began, then trailed off.

"You're just what?" she prompted.

"I ain't goin' there. Not with you," he suddenly declared with a shake of his head, and Kat could tell that, as quickly as he'd lowered his defenses, they were back up again.

"What? Why the hell not?" she asked.

"You're gonna laugh your ass off," he said. "And I can't take that right now. I just…can't." He glanced at her, and she was startled to see the earnest, almost helpless pleading in the coffee-colored depths of his eyes. He wasn't kidding. He was as close to begging as she'd ever seen him. He really couldn't take it.

"Okay," Kat replied evenly, her own bad mood all but melting away as she sighed with gratitude at the opportunity to continue dealing with whatever was going on with Scotty. It took the spotlight off of her, and anything that did that was welcome. "I won't laugh, or snark, or anything else."

"Promise?" he asked, the look in his eyes suddenly almost childlike.

"Promise," she agreed, and her honest expression reassured him.

_This is it, Valens. Soul-barin' time. _

Scotty sighed. "I'm scared, Kat," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "Scared completely shitless. And that by itself, that'd be bad enough, but the hell of it is, I don't know _why_. I dunno what the hell I'm so afraid of."

"Well, were you always scared to ask her?" Kat inquired softly. "Like, that night you first thought about askin'…were you scared then?"

"No," Scotty answered thoughtfully. "I mean, a little nervous, yeah, but…not complete chickenshit like I am now."

"So what changed?" Kat asked. "When did you get scared?"

"I think…I think it was when I found out how bad it was for her growin' up," he answered, after a moment's reflection. "'Cause the last few weeks, she's had to relive every hellish thing that ever happened to her, and all I can do is just stand there and watch her suffer, and I'm thinkin', what right do I got to ask her for forever when I can't even do a damn thing to help her right now?"

"Aha," Kat exclaimed, and Scotty jumped slightly.

"What?" he asked, his voice heavy with sorrow and self-loathing.

"That sounds like a nice, solid reason to me," she confirmed.

"What, me bein' scared 'cause I don't think I can help Lil?" he asked blankly, a frown creasing his features.

"Well, think about it, Valens," Kat replied with a smile. "That's who you are. You're Superman. You wanna save the world. And you wanna save Lil from all her crap. But the problem is, you had it so good growin' up that you had no idea how bad it can get…and now that you do, you're scared you can't handle it. You're scared of what else you're gonna uncover. You're afraid you're gonna fail Lil just like you _think _you failed Elisa."

_I don't _think _I failed Elisa, I _know_ I did,_ he argued.

"My track record's terrible," he informed his partner, his voice suddenly, to his chagrin, trembling slightly. "Elisa's problems got too much for me to handle…her giants got too big…so I left her. I _left _her. And I'm thinkin'…what's gonna stop me from leavin' Lil when the goin' gets tough?"

At this, Scotty froze, realizing from the sudden poignant emptiness in his soul that he'd finally gotten to the root of his problem, that it was finally out in the open, floating there in the air between him and Kat, his deepest, darkest fear suddenly exposed to broad daylight.

"That's really it, isn't it?" she asked softly, her eyes fixed on some unseen something between them, almost as if she could see his fear hovering in the air.

Scotty swallowed around the growing lump in his throat. "Yeah," he admitted huskily. "That's it."

"It ain't that you're afraid Lil's gonna leave you…you're afraid you're gonna leave her. You don't trust yourself with her," she concluded.

"Would you?" he demanded roughly as they pulled up to a stoplight, his eyes suddenly bright with unshed tears.

"Yes," Kat responded firmly as she watched him avoid her gaze, stare intently at the steering wheel, and clench and unclench his jaw. "Because you've already been through so much with her…and 'cause you ain't in this alone," she added.

Scotty couldn't respond. He couldn't have found words to answer her if his life depended on it, though he was pretty sure his efforts to keep his emotions in check weren't helping his thinking abilities.

"I may be talkin' outta my ass," she warned him, not sure how to best broach the subject of which she admittedly knew very little, but was pretty sure she knew enough. "But it doesn't sound like you got a lot of help with Elisa. Least of all from Elisa herself."

Scotty shook his head slowly. "She _couldn't _help, Miller," he protested, still leaping to her defense even after all these years. "She was sick. Hell, half the time, she didn't even know where she was."

"_Exactly,"_ Kat replied. "But Lil…her problems are different. She's strong enough to help you fight 'em. It ain't just you versus Lil's baggage, Scotty, and you can't take that on yourself. You'll break into a million pieces if you do."

Scotty nodded slowly. He'd been there…done that.

"But Lil's on board with you," Kat continued. "I've seen how she's changed since you two got together. She's stronger, she's happier, she's actually _dealin' _with her crap now insteada just buryin' it and hopin' it won't come back to bite her in the ass. It ain't your job to fix her, Scotty. It's your job to help her fix herself. And that? You're doin' that…and you're doin' it better than just about anyone I've ever seen."

Scotty sat in stunned silence, mulling over his partner's words. Saving the world, especially the people he loved…that had been something he'd always taken on his shoulders, and, he realized, he'd done so in part because no one had ever told him he didn't need to. It hadn't really occurred to him that Lilly was helping him fight her own mess, but as he looked back over the last year, and particularly, the last few weeks, he was able to see an appreciable difference in her. She was happier, she was in love with him, her mother was in rehab, she'd dealt with her childhood attack…good God, he _had _helped her…he'd helped her help herself. Kat was absolutely right. It wasn't his job to save Lilly. It was his job to help her. And that, he realized, as his fears crumbled to dust and the struggle to fight back his tears became an epic battle, he'd been doing all along. He really could handle this. She'd never be too much for him. And he'd always be enough for her.

"That help?" Kat asked lightly.

"Yeah," he responded thickly, hastily brushing away the tears before she could see them.

The light turned green, then, and they drove in silence a few moments, Scotty reveling in his newfound freedom…then realizing, almost with a chuckle, that he still had one thing he was worried about.

"Guess the only thing I'm afraid of now's somethin' pretty normal," he declared, his voice, and mood, suddenly lighter than it had been in weeks.

"You mean you got somethin' else you're scared of?" Kat asked, arching a brow. "Jeez, Valens, you're worse than Chicken Little."

"Hey," Scotty chided her. "Told you not to laugh."

"I ain't gonna laugh," Kat replied. "But I never promised I wouldn't make fun of you for bein' an idiot."

"Fair enough," Scotty agreed.

"So what's your latest worry?" Kat asked.

"I'm…kinda afraid she'll say no," he answered, almost sheepishly.

"No?" Kat repeated. "No? She's been moonin' over your sorry ass for over a year, and you think she'll say _no?"_

"It ain't that exactly," Scotty replied with a grin. "I mean, I know she loves me, and I know she loves me enough to say yes, and if she didn't have that baggage of hers, I wouldn't be scared at all, but she does…so I am."

Kat grew suddenly uncomfortable as she realized, a split second before Scotty did, exactly where he was going with this. If her hunch was correct, and it usually was…things were about to get personal.

Sure enough, Scotty turned toward her. "I mean…you got the same kinda baggage Lil does," he ventured. "It ain't exactly the same, but it's…the same kinda stuff…I mean…kinda…" he trailed off, suddenly aware that he was digging himself a very deep hole.

"You got somethin' you wanna ask, Man Candy?" she demanded, more sharply than she intended. Scotty blinked, but didn't back down.

"What would you say?" he asked softly.

"To you?" she responded, grinning at him, though he detected something in her eyes, something he couldn't quite place, but something that definitely didn't match her mischievous grin. "I'd say no," she informed him.

Scotty sighed and rolled his eyes, but he couldn't stop himself from chuckling. "That ain't even close to what I'm askin' you, and you know it," he retorted.

_Dammit_. She wasn't going to be able to deter him.

Scotty glanced over at his partner when she didn't respond. "Look, just forget me for a second," he urged her.

"Wish I could," she shot back, folding her arms across her chest.

"Hey," Scotty griped, glaring at her briefly. "I'm tryin' to make a serious point here."

"I know," she agreed contritely. "Sorry. Reflex."

Scotty grinned, then launched into his question, and Kat knew, with a sinking heart, that there was no escape.

"What if," he began, "and I know this is a big what if, totally hypothetical, so don't flip out on me, okay? But what if this guy you're seein'…what if you were in that place…what if he asked you? What would you say?"

Kat swallowed hard and stared out the window. There it was. The question was staring her in the face. The chance to repair things with Vera had been handed to her on a silver platter. All she had to do was tell Scotty. But, she realized, as much as she'd mocked him for being afraid to ask Lilly to marry him…she was every bit as terrified to tell him that she'd already said yes to Vera.

But she _had _to tell Scotty. For herself, for him…and for Nick. The panic began to rise in her chest until she felt it would choke the life out of her. The silence between them seemed like it was taking weeks…months…_years. _She had to say something. She _had _to. But she couldn't. The words just wouldn't form.

Suddenly, Vera's words from the night before sliced through the layers of panic. She didn't have to tell them everything, he'd said. She didn't have to shout it from the rooftops. All he'd asked from her was that she tell someone _something. _He knew she wasn't ready to tell everything, but he needed something. A gesture. A step forward on her part. And that, she decided, was something she'd force herself to do. No matter how difficult it was.

Scotty stole a glance at his partner, the question still hanging unanswered in the air between them. He wondered briefly if she'd even heard him, but the pensive look on her face told him she had, she was just thinking it over. Idly, he wondered what the hell was taking so much thought.

"Scotty…" Kat said suddenly. "Stop the car."

"What?" he asked in alarm, stealing another glance in her direction. Was she sick? She hadn't seemed sick…

"Stop the car," she ordered, her voice even more urgent than before.

"Why?" he asked, still studying her. "What's goin' on?"

"Just…trust me," she sputtered in frustration, her eyes shooting sparks. "You're gonna need to stop the car."

Scotty sighed and rolled his eyes, but acquiesced to his partner's demands. He had no idea why, but if she needed him to stop the car, he'd damn well stop the car. He pulled over to the curb, threw the car into Park, and turned to face her.

"Okay," he said. "I stopped. Now what the hell did I have to do that for?"

Kat hesitated briefly, then, quickly, before she could change her mind, she pulled the chain out from beneath her shirt, and before Scotty could see what she was doing, she hastily undid the clasp and dropped the ring into the palm of her hand. She felt her partner's amazed eyes on her as she slowly slid the diamond onto her finger.

"What the---?" Scotty began, then stopped. He was completely and totally unable to form words, or even coherent thoughts.

There was a ring. A _diamond_ ring. On _Miller's finger._

"I said yes," she told him quietly.

"You…said yes…" he repeated blankly, trying to absorb what she was telling him. This wasn't a shot-in-the-dark, totally hypothetical situation…this was a very real situation…and one that had _already happened. _How? _When??_

"To _who?"_ Scotty demanded, his protective instincts suddenly flaring up.

"That's not important right now, Man Candy," she chided him gently, unable to hide the sparkle in her eyes. "The important thing is…I said yes. Me. With my issues and my walls and all my crap, my crap that's every bit as bad as Lil's. I…said...yes," she finished slowly, her eyes suddenly no longer on Scotty, but locked instead on the sparkling diamond on her finger. "I said yes."

"You said yes," Scotty repeated, his mind still whirling with the effort to comprehend what she was telling him.

"I said yes," she repeated, still staring at the ring, the enormous implications of her decision sinking in past her walls and into the deepest layers of her heart. She'd said yes. To Nick Vera. To letting him into her life, into her heart. And now part of the truth was out. She couldn't reveal the whole thing, she just…_couldn't_, not yet, and she hoped Vera would forgive her, but she had a sneaking suspicion that he might.

"So there's hope for me yet," Scotty concluded.

"Well, not if you don't get your ass in gear and ask her," Kat retorted with a smile.

Scotty grinned, suddenly more lighthearted than he'd felt in weeks. Kat said yes. And if Kat said yes...there was at least a half-decent chance Lilly would. And if she didn't…if she said no…if he lost everything…he could go down swinging. He wasn't sure what comfort that would be, but he refused to allow his mind to dwell on it. _Kat said yes._

"You said yes," he repeated.

"I said yes," she confirmed with a smile.

Scotty sighed happily, then shifted the car back into Drive and continued on his way. "So…who's the lucky guy?" he asked, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

"That," Kat replied with a no-nonsense stare, "is none of your business."

"Aw, that's okay," an undeterred Scotty replied. "I bet I can guess."

"I'd like to see you try," Kat challenged.

"Okay," Scotty mused. "Well…he's gotta be pretty damn smart, 'cause no way in hell would you put up with a dumb guy."

"I put up with _you_," she shot back, but Scotty merely quirked an eyebrow at her. Insults just meant he was making progress.

"And he's gotta love your daughter..." he continued. "That's prob'ly the most important thing right there. He doesn't treat Veronica right, he doesn't love her almost as much as you do, he's outta there. So I'm thinkin' he and V have had some bondin' time, am I right?" he asked, casting a knowing glance in her direction.

An increasingly uncomfortable Kat looked out the window. Did he really know her that well, despite her best efforts to keep her truest self walled off? Was he really that good a detective? Surely not…

"You know me well," she conceded lightly, and Scotty was amazed that she'd admit to it. He fought back the urge to gloat. Now wasn't the time. Not when he was so close.

"And as far as looks go…" he mused aloud.

"Yeah?" Kat replied, trying to disguise her nerves.

"I bet he's tall…built…basketball player type…the kinda guy who could prob'ly kick my ass…but he's smart as hell, so…I bet he wears those Malcolm X glasses," he finished triumphantly.

He was close…so very, very close…but also off by a mile. Kat breathed a sigh of relief and fought the urge to laugh at the image of Vera in Malcolm X glasses. Scotty knew her well…but he didn't know her _that _well. She wondered how the hell he'd react if he did.

"Hit the nail on the head, Man Candy," she lied smoothly.

"Course I did," he bragged. "Can't hide a damn thing from me."

Kat just smiled. All things in due time.

* * *

**A/N: When will he propose? After Christmas. That's all I can tell you. **

**I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season, filled with all the things that bring you joy! **


	42. Back to Life

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I do own a lot of nice Christmas gifts, thanks to my wonderful friends and family!**

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Two: Back To Life**

_Back to life, back to the day we have  
Let´s end this foolish game_

The interview that followed was largely lost on Scotty. He knew he was there, physically, anyway, remembered sitting on the soft leather sofa and nodding along with Miller as she took the lead with the questions. He must have participated in the interview, must have asked a few questions of his own…but he'd be damned if he could remember a single one of them. He was only capable of devoting a small percentage of his brain to their witness, because the rest, the vast majority, in fact, was still trying frantically to wrap itself the mind-boggling truth he'd just learned about his partner. As she asked the questions, as her hand darted across the pages of her notebook, scribbling down clues and theories and all the things he should have been doing right along with her, he kept staring at her left hand, kept being mesmerized by the way the diamond split the sunlight that filtered in from the living room window into a delirious explosion of brilliant colors. Kat glanced up and caught him staring, smiled secretively, then arched a brow, telling him silently, yet in no uncertain terms, that he needed to get his ass in gear and pull his weight. With a grin, he took over, forcing his mind onto the case, but his eyes, and his newly-hopeful heart, kept wandering to her diamond ring.

Kat had said yes. To someone. Scotty had no idea who the guy was, and, for the moment, he didn't care. Whoever he was, he'd asked her…and she'd said yes.

And if Kat had said yes…with all her baggage and issues and long-stored pain…then Lilly might as well. Hell, for all he knew, the next time he went out on an interview, Lilly's ring could be the one he couldn't tear his eyes away from; her eyes could be the ones sparkling with hope and love and excitement for the future, her secretive smile could be the one that made his heart soar.

When it came time to return to Headquarters, Scotty cheerfully tossed the car keys to Miller without a word, and they spent the drive back to Center City in a companionable silence, Scotty looking out the window and basking in the sunshine that had chased away the early-morning sleet storm, bathed his face in its brilliance, and provided the perfect counterpart to the newfound lightness he felt in his soul. The fears that had clung stubbornly to him for weeks, wrapping their tentacles around his heart and mind, were, for the most part, gone, and all that was left was the typical nervousness that he was positive enveloped every guy who was about to lay it all on the line. Granted, he'd never felt that nervousness with Elisa, but Scotty knew that was because he'd known her forever, that it had always just been assumed, by everyone, that they'd end up together…and also because charging impulsively into the jewelry store, buying the first ring he saw, and proposing to her mere minutes later hadn't been enough time for that typical apprehension to develop. After he proposed…well, that was a different story, but the night he asked her, all he cared about was winning that damn argument, proving that he was man enough to stick by her side, no matter what. That was the advantage of acting on youthful impulse, he realized with a rueful grin. No time to be scared.

But, he reminded himself, Lilly deserved far more than an impulsive proposal, and there was no argument to win, no point to prove…nothing except an aching desire to spend the rest of his days by her side. He spent the rest of the car trip mulling over ideas and pondering plans, wondering how and when and where to ask her, and by the time they reached Headquarters, a strategy had formed in his mind. Perhaps not the most creative plan in the history of proposals…in fact, he was sure it wasn't. He was almost positive that the vast majority of men out there proposed exactly like he'd decided to. And, sure, Scotty had heard tales of elaborate proposals that no doubt took several weeks, hundreds of dollars, and dozens of friends to pull off…but he didn't have time for that. He just wanted to marry her.

His plan, although anything but creative, was still enough to cause a smug grin to play at the corners of his mouth as he and Miller strolled back into the squad room close to lunchtime. A quick glance around told him that Lilly and Jeffries were apparently still out on their interview, as evidenced by the fact that he saw neither of their coats anywhere, and as soon as they arrived in the office, Kat disappeared into the kitchen, muttering something about being famished and needing lunch. Vera was in there as well, and Scotty figured that their usual snarky bickering would make their meal last at least long enough for him to make a couple of quick phone calls.

Grabbing the phone book, he thumbed through the worn pages, picked up the phone, and started dialing. The first call Scotty made was to the flower shop from which he'd purchased the rose that had adorned Lilly's desk the morning after their first date, and as he hung up the phone, he chuckled with the memory of the shocked expression on her face when she'd come into the office that morning and seen the rose, the puzzled glances and gentle teasing from their co-workers, and the smug pride that had coursed through his veins at how easily and adorably flustered Lilly had been.

In keeping with that theme, he made one more call, to the cozy little Italian place where they'd had dinner the night of their first date. He knew he should remember things, knew that the first date with the woman he hoped to make his wife should have at least a dozen moments indelibly seared onto his mind and heart, but, to his amusement, the only truly coherent memory he had of that night was just staring at Lilly in that red dress throughout the course of the meal. He was sure they'd talked, although he couldn't for the life of him remember any of their conversation…all he could recall was just staring at the contrast between her creamy, porcelain skin and the brilliant crimson hue of her dress, caressing her gentle curves with his gaze, admiring the way those earrings made her eyes sparkle, being utterly captivated by her musical laughter, the warmth of her smile, and the intoxicating scent of her skin…and wondering just how long it would be before he could rip her out of that damn dress and have his way with her.

Emboldened by the joy those memories brought him, he made reservations for eight o'clock the following evening. It was a Friday night, and he figured, with any luck at all, they could have Saturday to themselves, to bask in their newfound joy, for Lilly to admire that ring, for them to spend the day in bed celebrating, whatever. He didn't know, hadn't quite gotten that far…but he knew that, whatever their day held, he wanted to spend it with her. Alone. No distractions. So Friday night it was.

_What if she says no?_ his brain asked, almost mockingly, but he shoved the worry away before it had a chance to fully develop and strangle him again.

Miller, after all, had said yes.

* * *

While an almost obnoxiously cheerful Scotty had made a beeline for his desk, Kat paused at the entrance to the kitchen, suddenly and desperately unsure of how to proceed. Her aim, when they'd entered the squad room, had indeed been to rummage through the refrigerator, dig through the Tupperware and find the leftover mac and cheese she'd brought with her for lunch. She was starving, it was past noon, she hadn't had much in the way of breakfast…

…but she'd pulled up short when she got to the kitchen.

Vera was already sitting at the table, inescapably between the door and the fridge.

Kat sighed inwardly, still hesitating at the doorway and studying Vera carefully. She hadn't seen him, or spoken to him, since their argument the night before, and though the ring now adorned her finger instead of her neck, she was suddenly apprehensive. What if it was too little, too late?

_Relax, Miller_, she ordered herself. _It was just a fight. Just an argument. He told you himself that he wasn't threatening to leave. He just asked you…begged you, really…for a step. One step. Not everything. Just…something. You're wearin' the ring on your finger, for God's sake. That definitely fits in the category of 'something'._

Her confidence mostly restored, she took a deep breath and passed Vera on her way to the fridge.

Vera, meanwhile, hadn't even noticed anyone was at the doorway until he heard a familiar pair of footsteps entering the kitchen, which caused him to glance up with a great deal of surprise. He hadn't seen Kat all day, though not through any outstanding efforts on his part. She and Valens had been out on an interview the whole morning, so he could easily have brushed her absence off as work-related, but he knew her better than that. He knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she was avoiding him. Hell, how could she not be? After the fight they'd had the night before? After the way she'd just taken off after he'd bared his soul in the interview room? He figured, after what he'd asked of her, that she'd be avoiding him for at least a week.

And, Vera knew there was an easy way to put a stop to this. A sure-fire way to end her silent treatment, to nip the awkward, icy silence in the bud, and go back to the way things were. If he wanted to get on her good side in the blink of an eye, all he had to do was apologize. Beg. Grovel. Say he didn't know what he was thinking, say he was just in a bad mood…say that, in the long run, it really didn't matter.

But…dammit…it _did _matter. It mattered a helluva lot, he realized, and in a moment of defiance, Vera decided that he didn't care how long she gave him the silent treatment, didn't give a rat's ass how long she froze him out. He wasn't backing down. He needed something from her, and he'd dig in his heels until she was willing to give it.

As Kat bustled around the kitchen, the only sounds Vera heard were the opening and closing of the refrigerator door, the pop of a Tupperware container, and the whir of the microwave as it reheated whatever Kat was eating for lunch. He sniffed the air and determined quickly that it was some of her mom's famous mac and cheese, but he didn't comment, didn't say anything, didn't even look up. He kept his eyes buried on the interview notes he was reading through as he worked his way through a cheesesteak, not even bothering to glance up when she sat down on his right, though that particular move surprised the daylights out of him. He'd fully expected her to grab whatever she needed out of the fridge and storm out without saying a word. If she was freezing him out…if she really and truly was giving him the silent treatment…then what in the hell was she doing sitting next to him?

When she sat down, Kat sensed Vera's puzzled hesitation, saw him stop chewing for a moment, and knew that the wheels in his head were turning rapidly, trying to figure out what the hell she was doing there, why she wasn't already halfway to the other side of the squad room. It stung, briefly, to know that he was expecting that from her, and that made her all the more eager to make her move. She'd been so hungry upon entering the office that she hadn't even taken off her coat and gloves yet, so she coolly, casually shrugged out of her coat, draping it over the back of a neighboring chair. Then, feeling Vera's eyes on her, she pulled her gloves off with a nonchalance that would have even fooled her, were it not for the fact that she could feel her heart hammering almost violently against the wall of her chest. Once her left glove was fully removed, she placed it on the table beside her, then calmly slid her left hand toward the salt shaker.

Vera froze, mid-bite, when he saw her small hand reaching across the table for the salt. He blinked once. Twice. Nope. He wasn't dreaming. He wasn't making it up. She was wearing the ring. She was _wearing _the _ring_. On her left hand. Not on a chain around her neck. On her _hand_. Where it was supposed to be.

His head snapped up in amazement, searching her eyes, making sure she wasn't just pulling his leg, though he had no idea why she would be…and reflected in their coffee-colored depths, he saw a love he'd never seen before, coupled with the shimmering twinkle of barely repressed laughter.

"You okay, Nick?" she asked him, a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

He tried to form words, honest he did…but he couldn't. Not for a long time. She just watched him for a few seconds, then giggled softly, and he was amazed. He couldn't recall having ever heard Kat Miller giggle before. Laugh, sure. Giggle? Not so much.

"You're…you're wearin' it," he blurted out in utter astonishment, pointing at the ring.

"I am," she agreed calmly, meeting his eyes, hoping beyond hope that it would be enough, and they sat there looking each other for a long, silent moment, their gazes speaking volumes.

"Okay, then," Vera finally said, the lightness in his heart reflected in his broad grin.

"Nick," Kat began, his obvious happiness making her uncertainty suddenly return. She didn't want him to jump to conclusions, to assume she'd spilled the beans entirely…she had to be honest. She hated the prospect of making that endearing , heartwarming grin disappear…but he needed to know the truth.

His smile faded just slightly at her hesitation, and she hated herself for that, but plunged ahead. "I didn't tell Scotty that---" she began, then faltered, looking at the table. "I couldn't---"

"Listen," Vera reassured her quickly. "It's okay. Whatever you told him…it was enough."

"All I could tell him was that…I said yes," she admitted softly, glancing down at her ring. "I didn't tell him it was you."

"Hey," he said quietly, seeking her eyes. "All I asked for was a step. And you took a huge one. We won't take the next one 'till you're ready."

Kat smiled softly, then lifted her eyes to glance around the squad room. Valens had his nose buried in the phone book, a cocky grin plastered across his face as he leafed through the pages, and she knew he was too deeply involved in whatever cockeyed thing he was doing to pay any attention to her. Satisfied that they would remain unnoticed, she clasped Vera's right hand in her left, the ring sparkling brilliantly even under the fluorescent lights of the kitchen.

"I said yes," she told him with a broad smile. "And I meant it."

* * *

A few moments later, Lilly and Jeffries returned to the squad room, still discussing the latest interview as they shrugged out of their coats. Jeffries, admittedly, was doing most of the talking, and Lilly was trying to pay attention, but, to her chagrin, she simply couldn't. She'd managed to bury herself in the case as long as they were out of the office…but once they got back, and her eyes fell on Scotty, all thoughts of the case flew out the window.

She must have actually trailed off, mid-sentence, because she felt her partner's curious eyes on her, and then she saw him look from her to Scotty. With that, she knew Jeffries understood, and he just smiled gently and headed into Stillman's office, while Lilly hung her coat on the rack with even more chagrin. Normally, she'd have been all over this...their interview was productive, leading to two new suspects for them to chat with, and any other day, she'd have been jumping at the chance to go in there with Jeffries and Stillman to make some headway…but normally, she hadn't started her day by storming out of Scotty's place after an admittedly ridiculous argument.

She hated the way they'd left things that morning, fighting over showers and apartments and God alone knew what else. She wished she hadn't stormed out, but he'd been so childish, so absurd, so…_unreasonable_…that she didn't feel she had a choice. She knew there was something bothering him, and it was irritating her to no end that he wouldn't tell her what it was.

_Not like you don't do the exact same thing, Rush_, her conscience reminded her, and she realized, to her chagrin, that her conscience was right. She _did _do exactly the same thing, although not as much lately. She was getting better, she decided. At least…she hoped she was. Besides, after the things she and Scotty had dealt with in recent weeks, Lilly honestly couldn't think of anything that she couldn't tell Scotty about. He already knew her deepest, darkest secrets…so after sharing those, after pouring out her heart to him about her childhood, anything else would feel like a piece of cake.

But Scotty wasn't like that. Oh, he was definitely an open book, especially when something was bothering him. That man couldn't hide his feelings if his life depended on it. She'd been able to read him easily, practically since the day they met, although he was generally reluctant to reveal the reasons behind those feelings, at least, with everyone but her. Even when they were just partners, he was fairly forthcoming with her, and now that they were together and in love, he was even more so. So for him not to be…that made her wonder. Because whatever was going on with him, whatever was wrong…it definitely wasn't just about the hot water in his apartment. She was almost insulted that he thought he could pull that over on her.

So it was with a curious mixture of emotions that Lilly approached their cluster of desks, where Scotty was just filing the phone book away. He glanced up when he saw her, and what she saw shining in his chocolaty eyes made her pull up short. She'd expected anger, worry, distraction, or even that cold, hard glare he got sometimes, the one that turned her blood to ice…but instead, his eyes were warm and golden and shining with joy and pure adoration. The smile he turned in her direction was nothing short of dazzling, the difference between now and this morning like night and day. Lilly was elated, and more than a little relieved, but also puzzled. What the hell had happened?

With an almost blissful sigh, Scotty rose from his desk to wrap her in his arms and greet her with a kiss, a bit more lascivious of a kiss than she'd have usually allowed in the office, with their co-workers sitting in the kitchen, but she was so relieved, and caught off-guard, by the change in his demeanor, that when he felt the soft pressure of his tongue against her lips, she moaned in delight, cupped the back of his neck in her hands and gratefully returned the kiss with equal measure.

After capturing her bottom lip gently between his teeth and teasing her, just for a second, Scotty slowly pulled away from her, caressing her cheek with his thumb and looking deeply into her eyes, and Lilly's brow furrowed in confusion.

"You okay?" she asked him, still reeling from his kiss. "What the---?"

"I'm great," he reassured her quickly. "Listen, Lil…about this mornin'…I…"

"We were bickering, Scotty," she replied. That could have been all it was, she supposed. Couples bickered from time to time, she was told, although she'd never really experienced anything that typical. "Bickering" in her world had usually involved screamed insults and shattered dishes. But fighting about spilled coffee and who used up the last of the hot water…that seemed typical enough. Whether that was all it was or not, though, Scotty was certainly in a good mood now, and she decided to let it go, at least for the time being. If he kept being moody, if he kept picking fights with her, then she'd throw him in the box and interrogate him about it, but for now…things were fine.

"Yeah," Scotty agreed. "And I'm sorry."

"Me too," she replied, leaning forward for another kiss, a bit quicker than the first, but no less passionate.

"So," he began, with another contented sigh, though Lilly detected just a hint of something else, a flicker of something in his eyes, something she couldn't quite name, "I thought I'd take you out to dinner tomorrow night."

Lilly frowned again. "We have dinner every night," she reminded him.

"I know," Scotty replied with a shrug. "But tomorrow night, I wanna take you out. Someplace nice. Like, with menus. And real plates. I got reservations and everything."

"Reservations, huh?" Lilly responded, her smile widening. "What's the occasion?"

Scotty shrugged again. "We've just…been through a lot lately, and I wanna celebrate us gettin' through it." He gazed into her eyes, his expression earnest, sincere, and…maybe even a bit relieved. He was right, she realized. They _had _been through a lot lately, and they were not only still together, but more so than ever. It was amazing. And definitely cause for celebration.

Lilly pressed another kiss to his cheek. "That's so sweet," she told him, feeling a wave of love wash over her.

_You got no idea, Lil, _he said silently, tightening his arms around her just a bit.

"So what time are the reservations?" she asked, her blue eyes sparkling as she toyed with the collar of his shirt.

"Eight-thirty," he replied with a grin. "Figured it'd give us time to get outta here and get dressed up and all that," he said.

"Dressed up?" Lilly repeated incredulously. "Must be some celebration you've got planned."

Scotty's grin just widened as he winked, and shrugged into his coat. "Yep," he replied cryptically, then headed out of the office, notes in hand, without a backward glance, leaving a mystified Lilly standing beside her desk. She smiled as he left, then shook her head and went into Stillman's office to refocus her attention on the case.

* * *

Late that afternoon, they finally had tracked down an address for their second key witness, and they all figured it would be prudent to interview him now, Lilly most of all. She'd begun to suspect this guy during her morning interview with Jeffries, and she was itching to talk to him, but she could tell from the way her colleagues were scattering into the night that she was the only one.

"Will?" Lilly asked her partner. "Didn't you get that vibe this morning?"

"I did," he agreed, smiling broadly. "But I'm gettin' a different vibe now." His eyes twinkled as he rose from his desk.

"What kinda vibe?" Vera asked suspiciously, studying his former partner for a moment, then realization dawning on his face in a devilish smirk.

"Yeah. That kinda vibe," Jeffries replied.

"Bow chicka wow-wow," Vera chortled.

"Shut up, Nick," Jeffries ordered him jovially as he strode out of the office.

Lilly grinned as she watched Jeffries head out, then turned toward Vera. "How 'bout you, Vera? You in?" she asked.

Vera glanced up, and if Lilly wasn't mistaken, she could sense almost a hint of apprehension in his eyes. "Nah," he replied. "I, uh…got somethin' tonight."

Scotty and Lilly exchanged a glance.

"What is it, casserole night again?" Scotty asked jokingly. Vera glared at him, and a startled Scotty instantly dropped the grin.

"It's personal," he replied matter-of-factly, then grabbed his coat from the back of his chair and headed out.

Lilly looked over at Scotty again. "Where'd Miller go? Did she take off already?"

"Yeah," Scotty replied. "She took off early; said somethin' about Veronica havin' a ballet recital."

Lilly sighed as Vera hurried down the hallway, then turned to Scotty. "Guess I'm stuck with you," she joked.

Scotty grinned at her teasingly, his eyes sparkling with mirth. "Well, I was gonna go home and give this hot blonde the ride of her life," he replied, "but I can always blow her off to go out on an interview with you."

Lilly rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help the smile that lifted the corners of her mouth. "Well, okay, then," she replied, tossing him the keys.

* * *

After their interview, Scotty and Lilly headed down the street, still discussing the case. After a lull in the conversation, Scotty glanced at her, mischief twinkling in his eyes. "So…we off the clock?" he asked lightly.

"That we are," she answered with a smile.

"Thank God," he said with relief, "'cause now I can do this." Lilly yelped in surprise as Scotty grabbed her and dipped her backwards, then kissed her thoroughly. At first, she tried to protest, tried to get back to her feet, tried to tell him that they were in public, for God's sake, and even though they weren't on the clock anymore, that didn't mean…but then her mind was rendered completely blank of all thought except for how absolutely wonderful kissing Scotty felt.

Scotty, for his part, could feel her relax into the kiss, and felt twin surges of love and pride in his heart. Love for Lilly, of course, but pride that he could still make her melt in a heartbeat with a carefully timed and well-executed kiss. After all the times he'd seen the Ice Queen look, he was still slightly relieved every time he could render the great Lilly Rush incapable of coherent thought.

When he sensed her at the point of complete surrender, he pulled back from her, smiled tenderly, and enjoyed the utter bewilderment in her blue eyes, the pink flush of her cheeks, and her rapid breathing.

"All this bein' professional crap is pretty damn hard when you come to work lookin' like that," he told her softly, then raised her to her feet.

"Like what?" she asked in disbelief. "I look like I always do."

"Exactly," Scotty replied matter-of-factly.

Lilly looked at him incredulously. "I didn't even finish blow-drying my hair this morning," she protested.

Scotty just shrugged, grinned, and kissed her again.

Lilly frowned in confusion, even as she smiled. "What's with you today, Valens?" she asked.

Scotty shrugged again and brushed off her question. "Just happy," he answered lightly, then deftly changed the subject. "You hungry?"

"Starved," she admitted honestly. "You?"

He smiled sheepishly. "I was actually thinkin' about eatin' a couple pages outta my notebook back there, just to kinda tide me over."

Lilly giggled. "Well, what sounds good?" she asked him, and he lapsed into a thoughtful silence. Scotty always had fairly specific cravings, and she usually wasn't that particular. Any night she went to bed with something other than Cheerios and Spam in her belly, even after all these years, was a good night to her, so she was perfectly content to let Scotty decide on dinner.

"Burgers…and a big ol' plate of cheese fries," he replied suddenly.

Lilly made a face. "I can hear your arteries screaming from here," she remarked witheringly.

"Nah," Scotty answered lightly. "I'll work it off later." He tossed her a lascivious glance, telling her with his eyes exactly how he planned to do that, and she felt herself starting to blush, felt her heart starting to race, and she knew, from the twinkle in Scotty's eyes, that he was thoroughly enjoying every second of her reaction.

_Later, Rush, _she promised herself, and cleared her throat. "So…cheese fries?" she asked brightly. "Who does good cheese fries?"

Scotty chuckled. "There's a little place that ain't too far from here," he said, guiding her around the corner. "Just a couple blocks up."

"Sounds great," she replied with a bright smile, and they headed for the restaurant. Scotty's lighthearted mood was contagious, and they joked and bantered their way down the street, so much so that they were practically doubled over in gales of helpless laughter when they entered the diner. There was a bit of a line, thanks to a crowd of teenagers ordering takeout, so they stood there, glancing mischievously at one another, almost daring the other to burst into laughter once more.

Suddenly, Lilly spied a familiar, bulky figure ahead of them in line, and elbowed Scotty to get his attention. "Isn't that Vera?" she asked in surprise.

Scotty frowned as he studied the man in front of them. "Sure is," he answered slowly. "Wonder what's up with that. I thought he said he had somethin' personal tonight."

"Maybe 'personal' means chowin' down on greasy diner food," Lilly joked.

"If he's eatin' like this, I'm kickin' his ass on the court Saturday," Scotty bragged.

Lilly arched a brow. "You're gonna kick his ass after eating a whole plate of cheese fries?" she asked skeptically. "With a splint?" she added, her gaze traveling down to his still-injured right hand.

Scotty's grin broadened. "I'm gettin' the splint off tomorrow," he told her.

"That one of the things were celebrating?" she asked with a wide smile.

"Yep," he answered matter-of-factly, grinning slightly as their colleague turned around with a tray full of food. Good God…the man had three burgers, three orders of fries, and three drinks.

"Eatin' light tonight, Nicky?" Scotty asked jovially, and Vera seemed to jump a bit, then turned around.

"Hey, kids," he greeted them, trying to sound like his usual self, but Lilly couldn't help but notice that he sounded almost…apprehensive, for some reason.

"You just extra hungry tonight or what?" Scotty pressed, eyeing Vera's full tray with utter mystification. He knew Vera was all about the munchies, but he knew the man usually stopped shy of true gluttony.

Vera glared at Scotty and tugged the tray away almost defensively. "These burgers are…tiny, man," he said slowly. "Ever noticed how tiny they are?"

Scotty eyed the burgers carefully. They certainly weren't huge, by any means, but they sure as hell weren't White Castles, either.

"I didn't know better, I'd think you were eatin' for two…maybe even three," Scotty commented, grinning wickedly. "You pregnant or somethin', Nicky?"

Vera opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly, a familiar voice piped up next to him. "Come _on_, Nick," a child's voice urged him. "Mom says to hurry up; the fries are gettin' cold."

Scotty and Lilly glanced down to see a young African-American girl in a pink tutu, tugging on the hem of Vera's coat. They both stopped, stared incredulously, then met each other's eyes in utter amazement.

The girl was Veronica Miller.


	43. Love Pollution

**A/N:** Okay, guys, here's the deal. As some of you may know, I'm expecting! Like…"my due date is later this month" expecting. I'm reasonably certain I'll be able to get this story finished by then, but if my son decides to show up early, all bets are off. If I disappear for a while, rest assured that a) it's for a very good reason, and b) I'll be back as soon as I can.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters. They're on my baby registry, though, so maybe someone will get them for me as a shower gift.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Three: Love Pollution**

_Crossing bridges over water  
A new reflection creeping in  
Got your head so full of traffic  
The love pollution's setting in_

"Nick," Veronica urged again, a bit more impatiently this time. "Come _on_."

Lilly and Scotty both glanced at Vera then, seeing an almost-embarrassed flush beginning to tint his cheeks. Lilly's eyes widened in shock, while a myriad of expressions flickered across Scotty's face. He opened his mouth to say something, shut it, then opened it again, then shut it once more.

"Hey, Detective Scotty," Veronica greeted him cheerfully, as though she'd just noticed he was there, and Scotty saw his opening.

"Hey there," he replied, crouching down slightly. "Looks like you mighta had a dance recital tonight."

"Sure did," she announced proudly. "Wanna see me pirouette?"

"Hey, Twinkle Toes, why don't you pirouette on back to your mom, and I'll catch up with you in a minute?" Vera suggested. Veronica sighed, then hurried back around the corner.

Scotty and Lilly turned their stunned gazes from the scampering Veronica to the sheepish-looking Vera. _Twinkle Toes? Vera? And Miller? When? Why? And for the love of God, how?_

"Don't say a word," Vera ordered them, his eyes narrowed and furtively flitting back and forth between the two . "She'll _kill _me."

Before Scotty or Lilly could either one form any kind of coherent sentence, Vera was gone, disappearing with his overloaded tray around the corner of the diner. Stunned absolutely speechless, all Lilly could do was cast horrified glances at Scotty, knowing from the expression on his face that he was feeling exactly the same way. Silently, they shuffled forward in line, both trying to absorb the implications of what they'd just seen.

Scotty finally broke the silence.

"Okay…did that just happen, or am I havin' some sorta _really_ weird-ass dream?" he asked, his expression utterly mystified.

"That…just happened," Lilly confirmed, her voice quiet as her mind hastily backtracked over the last few weeks, suddenly seeing certain events in a whole new light.

"'Cause…what it looked like to me…is that…Vera…is here with Kat. That what it looks like to you?" he asked Lilly.

"That is what it looks like," Lilly agreed, sneaking another glance at Scotty.

"But…but…" he sputtered. "He's with _Toni._ And Kat---she's gettin' married!"

Lilly was even more stunned, both by the bombshell Scotty had just dropped…and by the fact that he was missing the obvious conclusion by a mile.

"Whoa," she replied, staring at her boyfriend in disbelief. "Miller's gettin' married?"

"Yeah," Scotty answered. "To that tall guy! With the Malcolm X glasses!"

"Malcolm X?" Lilly repeated blankly, studying Scotty, wondering if, in fact, he'd lost it completely. He was at least close, she decided.

"So…what the hell's she doin' with _Vera_?" he burst out.

"Scotty," Lilly began, staring at him, willing the wheels in his mind to turn just a little bit faster.

"I can't believe she's cheatin' on him with…and I can't believe he's---" he began, looking around wildly.

"Scotty," she repeated patiently. "Did Miller ever tell you who she's marrying?"

"No…" Scotty replied slowly.

"And have we ever actually _seen_ Vera with Toni?" she continued, tilting her head to the side and continuing to look at him pointedly.

"No…" Scotty answered.

"And can you imagine Kat letting Veronica hang out with Vera if they _weren't _together?" she concluded, arching a brow. She watched the wheels turn in his head and the expressions flit across his face, ranging from stunned denial to a curious blend of shock and disgust.

"Son of a _bitch_," he exclaimed as realization dawned, drawing curious glances from the teenagers in front of them in the line. He shot them a glare, and they turned back to their twittering conversation.

"I know," Lilly replied.

"Vera…" Scotty began.

"…and Miller…" Lilly finished slowly.

"You realize what this means don't you?" Scotty asked.

Lilly just glanced over at him quizzically. Quite frankly, she was afraid to know.

"It means no way in hell are we lettin' this lie," he declared defiantly, his shock replaced, for the moment, by a passionate detective's desire for the truth. "We gotta get to the bottom of this."

Lilly nodded, the two exchanging a look of grim defiance as they reached the front of the line. They placed their orders, paid, and picked up their trays, then Scotty turned to Lilly with a determined, yet still disbelieving, gleam in his eyes.

"Ready to go find out just what the hell's goin' on?" he asked her.

"Oh, yeah," Lilly replied. They nodded in solidarity, then Scotty led them around the very corner Vera had retreated behind a few moments earlier.

They paused momentarily, their eyes scanning the room, and then they spotted the table containing their two colleagues and the little girl in the tiara and the tutu. Miller sat with her back to the doorway, and Vera was momentarily distracted by the fact that Veronica, having finished her fries, was digging into his own.

"Hey," Vera exclaimed in mock protest, though his eyes were twinkling more merrily than Lilly had ever seen them. "Get your own."

"I already _ate _mine," Veronica protested, with an impatient roll of her eyes that suggested she'd already wasted far too much of her busy young life explaining the obvious to grownups. "And I'm still hungry."

"Maybe your mom'll give you some of hers," Vera suggested pointedly, but they could see Kat's curls bouncing as she shook her head.

"You _know _Mom doesn't share food," Veronica reminded him, and Vera glanced over at Miller, a twinkle in his eye.

"Sure she does," he argued, a grin beginning to tug at the corners of his mouth.

"Not tonight," Kat declared. "V needs 'em more than you do."

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Sure didn't see you dancin' up there," she replied, and they could hear the teasing smile in her voice. Vera sighed in defeat, rolled his eyes, and pushed his fries toward Veronica, muttering something under his breath, but they could tell from the smile that this was all a big game to him, and he was clearly loving every single minute of it.

Scotty and Lilly exchanged a glance, and all the color drained from Scotty's face. It was true. It really was true. Kat's mystery man was none other than Nick Vera…and the woman he'd been bragging about for months, the one he'd admitted to being in love with…was Kat Miller. _How in the hell had---_

"Focus, Valens," Lilly hissed, sensing her boyfriend losing his determination. "I'm just as traumatized by this as you are, but they have it coming. Do you remember how much crap they gave us when _we _first got together? Remember that? The confessions? The betting pool? _Remember?"_

Scotty thought for a second, then hardened his expression, and with a determined nod, stepped forward with his tray once more.

Vera glanced up then and saw them coming. His eyes widened for a brief instant, then narrowed into the fiercest glare Lilly had ever seen from him. A peek at Scotty told her that his eyes, too, had narrowed, and a twisted smile played at the corners of his mouth.

Vera looked over at Lilly, but quickly averted his eyes when he saw a similar expression on her face. They saw him mutter something that looked suspiciously like, "Oh, _shit_," before burying his face in his hands, looking for all the world like someone who desperately wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

It was true. It was all true…and at that realization, Scotty's shock was swallowed almost completely by a sense of unassailable triumph. His partner, his closed-off, carefully-guarded, pain-in-the-ass partner…was about to have her biggest secret revealed. By _him_. In front of _everyone._ It was almost too good for words, and, buoyed by this, he seized on a plan.

"Well, look who it is!" he remarked loudly as he approached his partner from behind, a disturbing sort of peppy enthusiasm Lilly had never heard before coloring his every syllable.

Kat froze momentarily, then raised her head to look at Vera. Lilly couldn't see the expression on Miller's face, but it must have scared the life out of Vera, because he widened his eyes in a protest of his innocence and started to shake his head.

After a few seconds, Kat turned toward them and fixed Scotty with a murderous glare, and in that glare, Lilly received all the confirmation she'd ever need that, yes, indeed, what they'd seen earlier had really, really happened.

Scotty chuckled to himself as he saw his partner glaring at him, knowing that he was completely safe from her wrath. He saw her lips tighten, as though she was aching to pour forth a torrent of profanities, but he knew she never would. Not in front of her child. Oh, there'd be hell to pay later, Scotty knew, but this moment…this blissfully perfect moment…nothing Kat Miller could do to him would take this away. Absolutely nothing.

Kat swallowed her rage then, arranged her features into an expressionless mask, and nodded her greeting. "Lil…Scotty," she said. "You all remember Veronica."

"Hi, Detectives Scotty and Lilly!" Veronica waved cheerfully, the twinkle in her eyes every bit as mischievous as the one Lilly had seen in Miller's eyes from time to time.

"Hi again…Twinkle Toes," Scotty couldn't resist adding, earning him twin glares from both Vera and Kat. He grinned cockily, ignoring the fierce stare from his partner urging him to wipe that grin off his face. That just made him grin all the more.

"It's pretty crowded in here," Lilly observed, noticing, to her utter delight, that all the tables in the back room were full. "Mind if we join you?" Without waiting for a reply, they set their trays down on the table, Scotty slipping in beside Kat and Lilly squeezing on the side of the table with Vera and Veronica.

"Mom, can I go play video games?" Veronica asked, observing the full trays of the grownups who had just joined them and surmising that it might be a while.

"Sure," Kat agreed, digging in her purse for some quarters. "This is all you're gettin'," she said sternly, handing Veronica a few quarters. The girl flashed a gap-toothed grin, then slipped under the table and wormed her way among the grownups' legs until she popped out on the other side, then scampered off, her tutu bouncing with every step.

"Cute kid you got there, Miller," Lilly said conversationally as she grabbed one of Scotty's cheese fries.

"Ain't she somethin'?" Vera added proudly.

"You ain't helpin', Nick," Kat hissed.

"Aw, c'mon, now," Scotty protested, around a mouthful of burger. "The game's up and you know it."

"You," Lilly said, looking at Kat, "and you," she finished, turning her gaze toward Vera, then shaking her head.

"You gotta tell us how…_this_…got started," Scotty informed his colleagues, gesturing between the two of them with a fry, which he then popped into his mouth.

Kat and Vera exchanged a glance. "No way in hell," she insisted with a shake of her head. "You know. That's all we're tellin' you."

"C'mon," Scotty insisted. "After all the crap you gave us, you _owe _us."

"We only gave you crap 'cause you were so damn obvious about it," Vera groused. "Prancin' around all like, _oooooh, I got laid in Nashville,"_ he continued mockingly.

Scotty and Lilly exchanged an amused glance, then Scotty's eyes narrowed again as he hit on the perfect threat.

"You tell us how this got started," he threatened, glancing over at Kat, "or I will tell you…in elaborate detail…about the time Lil and I---"

"Stop it!" Lilly and Kat both commanded, and Scotty winced in pain as he felt the twin pangs of two female feet colliding with his shins.

"Owww," he protested with a grimace.

"We might as well," Vera said, turning to Kat. She glared at him, but he didn't back down, and finally, they heard her defeated sigh.

"Fine," she said, folding her arms across her chest defiantly. "But you're tellin' the story. They ain't hearin' it from me."

"Fine," Vera agreed grouchily. "It's pretty boring, really. Miller got caught in an interview one day and couldn't pick Veronica up from school, and her mom was sick, and I was back here in the squad room, so she called me and told me to go get V."

"I kinda remember that day," Scotty commented, taking a sip of his Coke. "'Cause me and you and Lil were all headin' out to the parkin' lot, and you were gripin' about it, sayin' you didn't know why she called you, why you had to do this, and why the hell were you suddenly everybody's big pushover."

Lilly froze then, and her eyes widened in shock as she remembered what had happened earlier that day…why they were all heading out to the parking lot together…

She glanced urgently at her boyfriend, and, from across the table, Miller could tell by the shocked expression in Lilly's eyes that she'd figured out exactly when the relationship had started, and by the look on Scotty's face that he hadn't. Despite her embarrassment, despite her indignation that their secret was out…she was forced to smile slightly.

Vera glanced at Kat, saw the expression in her eyes, and realized that he still had one last chance to traumatize Scotty.

"Remember what you said after that?" he prodded, amusement twinkling in his eyes.

"Well, yeah," Scotty replied confidently around another mouthful of burger. "I said you ain't everybody's big pushover, 'cause I was the one who had to go home and pack my…" he trailed off then, his voice barely above a whisper. "Son of a bitch…" he breathed in recognition. "That was…"

He glanced over at Lilly for confirmation, and found her blue eyes wide with the shock he knew was showing in his own.

"That was the day I lost the damn drawin' and got told to go home and pack my boots! God_dammit,"_ he exclaimed. "Since…since we were in Nashville? The whole time?" Scotty's expression changed from one of amusement to one of sheer horror as he replayed moments from the past year in a new, and very disturbing light. "The _whole time?"_ he repeated.

"Well, why _else _do you think we were all so obsessed with findin' out what happened between the two of you down there?" Kat demanded. "You think we actually care that much about you and your…love life?" she asked, disgust coloring her tone. "Don't flatter yourself, Man Candy. It had nothin' to do with you."

"So…you picked Veronica up at school…and somehow that led to you and Kat hookin' up?" Lilly asked, munching on her burger as she turned the conversation back to the matter at hand.

"Oh, don't make it sound crude," Vera insisted.

"_You're _involved, man," Scotty argued. "How the hell can it be anything but?"

Vera shot his colleague a glare. "Hey. You wanna know how this happened, or not?"

Without waiting for a reply, he continued. "Miller's interview ran really late, so me and Veronica ended up hangin' out at their apartment for a while. She insisted on watchin' this…horse movie she's obsessed with…"

"The one with the really hot cowboy?" Lilly asked, and Scotty shot her a surprised glance.

"Of course," Kat replied. "That's the only reason I'll watch that damn thing."

"It's a pretty good reason," Lilly grinned.

"Mm-_hmm_," Kat agreed.

"Fifty-two minutes in," Lilly continued, her eyes gleaming lasciviously.

"_Totally_," Kat confirmed, with feeling. "That man is three kinds of delicious topped with yummy and sprinkled with daaaayum."

Lilly chuckled. "Couldn't have said it better my---"

"Okay, that's enough," Vera exploded, and Kat grinned at him, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Oh, I'm sorry…do go on," she instructed Vera, her voice dripping with sarcastic smoothness.

"So…Kat comes home and finds me and Veronica, and…guess the rest is history," he said.

"Huh-uh," Lilly said, hoping that the flush would fade from her cheeks and Scotty would refocus his attention on the disturbing matter at hand and not be studying her curiously, wondering about her interest in that damn movie cowboy, which was what he was currently doing. "Not good enough."

Kat glared at her. "Fine. You wanna know what happened after that? What happened is that I came home, saw that it was past eight, and discovered that Vera…Nick Vera, the Neanderthal of homicide, had made my daughter her favorite dinner, and the two of 'em were sittin' at the kitchen table chattin' like old friends. It was…heartwarming," she admitted reluctantly, the last word colored with disgust.

"Aw, you know you love it," Vera said with a toothy grin, and she shot him a glare, but one that was overlaid with affection, and Lilly couldn't suppress her smile.

"So then Veronica went to bed, and Nick stayed until…" she trailed off.

"Late," he said, with a wink and a smile, and Scotty arched a surprised eyebrow.

"Late?" he repeated with a mischievous grin. "How late?"

"We were _talkin'_," Kat insisted. "Just talkin'. That's _all _we were doin'," she insisted.

"Uh-huh," Scotty remarked sarcastically. "That's all me and Lil were doin' in Nashville, too…owww!" he said again, as Lilly's foot connected once more with his shin.

"Y'know, not every couple bases everything on sex," Vera said wisely, and this caused Scotty to nearly choke on his drink. "Some of us are capable of adult relationships."

Lilly ignored him, and turned her attention to Kat. "So…this pretty much makes the two of you the biggest hypocrites on the planet," she remarked.

"How do you figure?" Miller challenged, arching a brow.

"You've been havin' a secret relationship since the day Scotty and I left for Nashville," she replied.

"Oh, it ain't a secret to anybody anymore," Vera chimed in. Scotty and Lilly shot him mystified glances.

"We filled out those damn forms right before you guys did," Miller informed them triumphantly. "Boss said since we ain't partners, it didn't matter, so we decided to release the information on a need-to-know basis."

"And you two didn't need to know," Vera agreed.

"Does Will know?" Lilly asked.

"He figured it out," Miller admitted. "Helluva lot smarter than you two, that's for sure."

Scotty was too stunned to respond to her insult; all he could do was stare in disbelief. "You…and you," he finished, with a shake of his head.

"Yep," Vera replied proudly, reaching across the table for Kat's hand, which she gave him after only the slightest hesitation. It really didn't matter. Not anymore. The secret was out…and having it be common knowledge wasn't as horrifying as she thought it might be.

"Man…revenge tastes almost as good as these cheese fries," Scotty remarked, using his last fry to scrape up the remnants of the molten cheese that now stuck to his plate.

"Revenge?" Kat asked, arching a brow. "What part of this qualifies as revenge to you?"

"You found out about us," he explained, "and now we found out about you."

Vera chuckled. "Oh, don't worry…there's more comin' to you."

"Yeah?" Lilly asked warily.

"Oh, yeah," Kat replied with a grin, meeting Vera's eyes across the table. "Trust us. You'll see."

* * *

"So…" Scotty began, as he and Lilly left the diner an hour later. "Cowboy movie, huh?"

Lilly shot him a withering glance. "It was a very boring Sunday afternoon, okay? A very, very boring Sunday afternoon."

"Obviously before me," Scotty replied.

Lilly rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I was channel-surfing, and this movie was on, and…" she trailed off, blushing.

"Well, if Veronica watches it, it ain't that kinda movie," Scotty argued.

"Just…trust me, okay?" she retorted uncomfortably. "The cowboy's hot."

"So…you got a thing for cowboys, do ya, Rush?" Scotty persisted, thoroughly enjoying the embarrassed crimson flush in Lilly's cheeks.

She shot him a grin. "Shut up, Valens," she replied.

"Well…" Scotty began, leveling her with a lascivious gaze. "…yee-haw."

By the time they reached Lilly's apartment, Scotty was fairly certain he'd be able to get the disturbing images out of his mind. Not the ones of the cowboy, though, he was sure those would be disturbing enough, but the idea of Miller and Vera, together…that was enough to make him shudder. But, after her initial shock, Lilly didn't seem to be disturbed by it, not even a little bit, so he realized it was just him, just his own personal issues with the man he'd come to think of as a brother being, apparently, madly in love with his partner, who was almost as much of a sister to him as Rosalia at this point. Miller. And Vera. Together. No wonder he found it squicky.

So he'd settled upon the one thing he knew would be an effective distraction, the one thing he could count on to burn his brain completely clean of everything except love and lust and Lilly, and the minute they reached her bedroom, he gazed into her eyes, took her in his arms, and kissed her, the sort of kiss he always liked to start with, one that was tender and reverent and loving, but also contained a promise, and a warning, of what was to come. She responded in kind, as she always did, and issued a soft, delighted moan, one that told him she knew exactly where he was going with this, and was as eager to get there as he was, but also willing to take her time, enjoying the scenery on the way.

Lilly had seen that look in Scotty's eyes from the moment they left the diner, and she knew he was going to make good on his promise to work off those artery-clogging cheese fries, and she was more than happy to assist him in those efforts. The moment his lips touched hers, she was lost in the love and desire that always filled her heart when Scotty kissed her, the peace and the contentment of being with him combined with the joy that they'd actually managed to make it work for this long, the hope for the future, the nearly delirious ecstasy that she could actually _think _about the future…

…and the sudden, unbidden mental image of Nick Vera kissing Kat Miller.

_Oh, for the love of God, Rush, _her brain scolded her. _You have Scotty kissing you, and you're thinking about _Vera_? What the hell is _wrong _with you?_

Lilly sensed Scotty hesitating, and she knew he was wondering why she'd suddenly stopped kissing him when there was absolutely no reason for her to do so, and indeed there wasn't. It definitely wasn't Scotty's fault. His kiss was as delicious as ever, so there was absolutely no reason, no reason at all, why she should be thinking about Nick Vera, for God's sake. None. So she ran her fingers through Scotty's hair and, almost forcefully, invaded his mouth with her tongue.

Scotty nearly jumped with surprise when he felt Lilly's tongue wrapping itself around his, and he released a soft moan of gratitude for the distraction. He'd been kissing Lilly, and kissing her well, giving her all his best stuff…when suddenly, sickeningly, all he could think about was the possibility…no, make that probability…that Nick Vera was doing that very same thing to Miller right at that exact moment. The mental image was almost too much for him, and he'd missed a beat. He knew Lilly noticed, and so he was grateful for her taking over the lead for a little bit, just a few seconds, just until he could get his bearings back.

He forced himself to concentrate on her, on the way her slender, delicate fingers were weaving a path through his hair and over the back of his neck, on the delighted purrs that were escaping from her lips as she devoured him…but he suddenly found himself unable to escape the image of Miller running her fingers through Vera's hair and purring in delight, and…

No. Hell, no. He wouldn't think about that. He would _not _think about that. Damn Nick Vera and his damn disturbing relationship with his damn pain-in-the ass partner. He would _not _let that ruin what could, and for all intents and purposes, should, be a fabulous evening with Lilly. His fear was gone, the plans for his proposal were set for the following night…hell, this should be the greatest night of his life. At least, until tomorrow. With an irritated, frustrated growl, he tore his lips from Lilly's and tugged on her hair, pulling her head back and exposing her long, ivory neck, which he then attacked with fervent, desperate kisses.

Lilly gasped in surprise when Scotty moved from her lips to her neck, completely startled by his sudden aggression…and by the fact that, although it usually fanned the flames of lust and drove every single thought from her mind except Scotty, and what he was about to do to her, and what she was about to do to him, tonight, it was doing exactly the opposite. Every move he made, every sound he uttered…Lilly, to her horror, and humiliation, was completely unable to think of anything except Vera doing exactly the same thing to Miller.

_Goddammit, Rush_, she griped inwardly, the frustration mounting. Scotty was into this. Really into this. Really, _really _into this, she amended, as he felt his teeth nipping gently at the side of her neck. So why the hell wasn't she? What the hell was wrong with her that all she could think about was Kat and Vera?

In a fit of irritation, she quickly undid the buttons of Scotty's shirt and shoved it, almost roughly, from his shoulders, then stripped off his T-shirt, threw it in a corner, and raked her eyes over his newly bared torso, willing herself to concentrate on his broad shoulders, his toned chest, his sculpted midsection…_that's more like it, _she thought, as she ran her fingers almost feverishly over his skin.

Scotty nearly choked on the guilt that was rising up within, as well as the anger that was quick to join it. His plan, it seemed, had backfired. Lilly was more into it than ever, as evidenced by the way she'd practically torn his clothes from the upper half of his body, and he should be, too. He should be, because he was here, with the woman he loved, the woman who, by this time tomorrow night, could very well be wearing that diamond ring he still had in his dresser, the woman who was now blazing a trail of kisses from the hollow at the base of his throat down the center of his chest, and dammit, he couldn't think about her. His mind was suddenly crowded with two extra people. Two people he never expected to be thinking about in this situation, and two people he would give anything, anything at all, _not _to be thinking about. Especially now, when, to his horror, he felt his own body beginning to betray him.

So he did the only thing he could think of, which was to grip Lilly's shoulders almost fiercely and strip the shirt from her body so fast and so furiously that he didn't even know where it landed. She looked up, almost startled by his aggression, and he ogled her for a moment, taking in that deliciously smooth porcelain skin and the way it contrasted with the blue satin bra she was wearing, before gazing into her eyes, hoping he'd find something there that would make the goddamned disturbing images of Kat and Vera please, please, for the love of God, _stop._

_Oh, no, not the shirt, _she thought as she felt it being ripped from her body. If he was going for the shirt, that meant the bra would be next, and once that was gone, he'd be doing those things to her that normally made her dig her nails into his shoulders and yell so loud she scared the cats. Hell, maybe she should let him. Maybe if she just relaxed and let him do his thing, she'd get over her little mental hang-ups and catch the wave of lust that was sure to wash over her the minute his lips touched her skin.

She caught him gazing into her eyes then, and she was suddenly terrified. If he was looking into her eyes, he'd _see _that she wasn't into it, he'd _know _there was something wrong, and the fragile happiness they'd had since early that afternoon in the squad room would be gone in a flash, swept away by an innocent misunderstanding and the disturbing truth that their co-workers were sleeping together. And Lilly couldn't let that happen. She just couldn't. So she drew her lips closer to his…closer and closer…trying to think of Scotty, and how much she loved him, and how wonderful it would feel to let him have his way with her…

…but the microsecond before their lips touched, the image of Miller kissing Vera shattered through her fragile protective bubble and caused her to burst into gales of helpless laughter. She couldn't do this. Not tonight. Not now. Not when she was picturing Miller kissing Vera. _Miller. _Kissing _Vera._ Oh, dear God. It was the most disturbing, and yet the most hilarious, thing she'd ever thought of, and she couldn't have sex with Scotty until she got that out of her system. She just couldn't. She collapsed against his shoulder, giggling almost hysterically, wanting desperately to explain things to him, to apologize…but words would have to wait. Right now, she'd settle for being able to breathe.

Scotty was just about to capture her lips in another fierce kiss, proving, once and for all, that Kat and Vera would _not _ruin this for them, when Lilly burst into a giggle fit, and he couldn't for the life of him think why. Surely she hadn't noticed that he was…had she? If she had, would she be laughing like that? No, surely not. Then what the hell was---?

"I'm sorry," Lilly managed to gasp between giggles, as her face flushed a brilliant pink. "I just---can't---" she trailed off, unable to continue.

Wait…_she _couldn't?

"You can't…what, Lil?" he asked, frowning in confusion.

"I can't do this…" she managed, wiping a tear of laughter from beneath her left eye. "I just can't. Not when I keep seeing….Miller….and Vera…" she collapsed into giggles again. "I'm sorry."

_She _was seeing Kat and Vera, too? Scotty never, in a million years, thought he'd be relieved to hear this, but…he was.

"Oh, thank God," he groaned, collapsing on the bed and dragging a still-laughing Lilly with him. "'Cause I couldn't see a damn thing but those two the whole time."

Lilly froze, mid-giggle. "You were seein' em, too?" she asked in amazement. "But I thought you were---" she trailed off into helpless laughter again. "When you---and then you---and then my _shirt_…you were thinkin' about _them?"_

She had to stop. She had to stop piecing it together, or she'd be even less able to breathe than she already was. She didn't know if it was possible to die laughing, but if she didn't stop, she might learn the hard way.

"Yeah," Scotty retorted, a bit defensively. "So? You were, too."

"I know," Lilly gasped. "I can't believe they're together. I can't believe it's…_them!"_ she managed.

"Y'know," Scotty began, "you ain't makin' it any easier to stop thinkin' about 'em."

"I think it's a lost cause, Scotty," she managed, and that sobered her a bit. She supposed she should be irritated, but she just couldn't be. The whole thing, the whole damn situation, was just so funny that she had to fight to keep from dissolving into laughter again.

Scotty looked at Lilly, her eyes bright with the tears of laughter and sparkling with mirth, her cheeks flushed, her smile dazzling…and he supposed, given the situation, that it was funny. Sort of. Her laughter was contagious, and he soon found herself chuckling right along with her. And then outright laughing. And then his sides started to ache, and he found himself wiping away tears of his own.

"You're right, Lil," he chuckled, as he got up, slipped out of his pants, draped them across the corner of the bed, then started pulling the bed covers back. "It's a lost cause."

"Damn them both," she replied as she rose from bed, though her grin belied the severity of her words. She grabbed Scotty's T-shirt from the floor, slipped into it, and unhooked her bra from underneath, then slid under the covers, where she pillowed her head on Scotty's shoulder and wrapped her arm around his midsection.

"D'you think that's what they were talkin' about when they said we got more comin' to us?" Scotty asked.

"Absolutely," Lilly replied with certainty.

"So…when they were…they were picturin' us?" Scotty asked in amazement.

"Probably," Lilly answered, feeling somewhat better about the whole thing. At least she had a fairly good idea that her two mischievous colleagues had been similarly traumatized.

"Miller and Vera," Scotty said, with a shake of his head, and Lilly felt a few more giggles escape.

"G'night, Scotty," she answered, feathering a kiss to the center of his chest.

"'Night," he replied, still shaking his head.


	44. Maybe This Time

**A/N: Baby is still perfectly content with his current living arrangements…so here's an update!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, that cringe-worthy scene with Frankie in "Lotto Fever?" Totally wouldn't have happened. Seriously.**

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Four: Maybe This Time**

_All the odds are in my favor  
Something's bound to begin  
It's got to happen, happen sometime  
Maybe this time I'll win_

"Well, look who it is," Vera exclaimed, a bit too cheerfully, as Scotty strode into the office the next morning.

With a sigh, Scotty rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, pausing a bit before gathering his courage and approaching his desk. After having his evening with Lilly ruined by mental images of Vera and Miller doing…well, things it made him shudder just to think about…Nick Vera was about the last person in the world that he wanted to see. So of course, the day that was shaping up to be either the best or the worst of his life would start with a sadistically enthusiastic greeting from Vera. Scotty sipped his coffee, trying to decide whether this was a good omen or a bad one.

"Mornin', Nick," he replied, trying to keep the crankiness out of his voice. He was on edge already, having had to wake up earlier than usual to have time to stop by his apartment on the way to work in order to grab the ring and a change of clothes. With the complicated nature of the case they were working, and with the trip to the doctor to get his splint removed late that afternoon, he wasn't sure whether or not he'd have time to go home between all that and dinner with Lilly, and even if he did, he wasn't sure he'd take advantage of it. Going home, back to his apartment, being alone with his thoughts…that'd probably just make him even more edgy and apprehensive than he already was. He'd awakened with his stomach in knots, wanting to hope for the best, but refusing to allow himself that luxury, all the while trying desperately to act as light and casual as humanly possible so Lilly wouldn't suspect anything. It was frustrating, it was exhausting…and it wasn't even nine o'clock yet. And the fact that he hadn't been able to relieve his stress the night before…that wasn't helping. Not in the slightest. And it was Vera's fault. _All_ Vera's fault. Damn Vera.

"You and Lil have a pleasant evening last night?" Vera asked with elaborate nonchalance, though he didn't even try to hide the mischievous gleam in his eyes as he smirked up at Scotty briefly before returning his attention to the old interview notes he was digging through.

"Yeah," Scotty lied. "It was great. Never better."

Avoiding Vera's teasing gaze, Scotty settled into his desk, grabbed a file and began to pore through it. Although their current case, the 1977 murder of pharmacist Francine Raymond, was a complicated one, this morning, he'd take it. Anything to distract him. Anything to keep his mind off the evening ahead. Anything to keep him from glancing up at the clock every five seconds and calculating how many hours he had until he popped the question, trying not to think about the fact that his relationship with Lilly could be ticking down to its final moments…

Vera chuckled and took a bite of his donut. "You're such a miserable liar, Valens," he replied.

Scotty shot his colleague a glare, one that he hoped conveyed nothing more than a simple disagreement with Vera's assessment.

"You two didn't do crap last night, did you?" Vera surmised, the teasing light in his eyes growing brighter by the second.

"Oh, we did plenty," Scotty answered.

Vera laughed again. "Yeah, well, not enough, apparently."

Scotty glared at Vera once more. "You got a point, Nick, or are you just givin' me crap 'cause you can't think of anything else to talk about?"

"Oh, I got plenty to talk about," Vera replied. "'Cause unlike you, I got laid last ni---" he started to brag, but was cut off by Kat walking behind him and delivering a solid smack to the back of his head.

"_Ow_," Vera protested, turning around to meet his fiancee's disapproving glare as Scotty sipped his coffee again, suddenly feeling somewhat better watching the disturbing, yet amusing scene unfold before him.

"What was that for?" Vera demanded, rubbing the back of his head.

Kat shot him one of her best withering glares. "Just 'cause our secret's out doesn't mean you and Man Candy get to treat this place like a damn high school locker room," she snapped, then stormed into the kitchen.

"Least Lil let me keep my balls," Scotty snarked with a cynical grin, turning a page in his file and taking another sip of coffee. "So I got that goin' for me."

"Hey," Vera snapped back. "Least I had 'em in the first place."

Scotty laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, so workin' out and givin' up porn and hangin' out with a ten-year-old ballerina insteada bar-hoppin' was all _your_ idea? Please," he scoffed.

"You got a problem with me and Kat?" Vera asked, all teasing suddenly gone from his eyes.

Scotty sighed. "Not…really," he admitted. "You and Miller…it's great and all…just…takes some gettin' used to." He shuddered at the memory of the images that had invaded his mind the night before.

"Okay, so what the hell's wrong with you?" Vera demanded. "You PMSin' or somethin'?"

Scotty sighed in exasperation. That was twice in two days someone had asked him that question. For a brief moment, he envied the female persuasion. They at least had a biological excuse for intermittent bitchiness. He, admittedly, had absolutely none.

"Sorry," he apologized without looking up.

Vera frowned at his colleague. Oh, he'd expected a certain amount of surliness from Scotty, knowing that the revelation of his relationship with Kat had to disturb his friend to a certain extent, and, in fact, he had a fairly good idea just _how _it had disturbed Scotty, and that amused him to no end…but this was far more than mere sexually frustrated crankiness. No, there was something else going on. Something, Vera realized, that had nothing to do with him. Or Miller.

"Scotty," he began again, his tone suddenly compassionate, and Scotty glanced up in surprise. Compassion? After the borderline argument they'd just had? He sure wasn't expecting that.

Vera didn't say anything else, just searched his eyes, and Scotty finally sighed in defeat. Source of his irritation or not, Vera really was one of his best friends. He really should be straight with him. He owed him that much.

"Kat said yes," he began slowly, still trying to absorb the stunning truth.

"Yeah," Vera said, unable to suppress his proud grin. "She did."

"To you," Scotty continued.

"Yep," Vera replied.

Scotty glanced up at Vera, and Vera was startled to see a bit of fear and, if he wasn't mistaken, helplessness, reflected in his friend's dark eyes.

"How'd you do it, man?" Scotty finally asked, after a long silence. "How'd you get her to say yes?"

Vera shrugged, torn between his desire to gloat like he'd never gloated before in his life…and be compassionate and tell Scotty what he needed to hear. Because, jackass or not, Scotty was on edge like Vera had never seen him. And he knew what it was about…because he'd been in that same place a few weeks ago himself. So, grudgingly, with an inward sigh of reluctance, Vera decided to do the mature thing and take pity on his friend.

"Just ask her, Valens," he replied casually around another bite of donut. "Ain't rocket science."

Just ask her? _Just ask her? _Scotty felt the frustration building within his chest until he thought he might explode. Just ask her? Please. If it were that simple, really, wouldn't he have done it by now?

"That easy, huh?" he replied, sipping his coffee and trying his damnedest to keep his temper in check. It wasn't Vera's fault. None of this was Vera's fault. Well, okay, the fact that he hadn't gotten any the night before…_that _was Vera's fault. But this? This had nothing to do with Vera.

"Pretty much," Vera answered.

"But Kat…she's got…" Scotty trailed off, not sure how to approach the subject of his partner's childhood traumas with his friend, her fiancé.

"Baggage?" Vera supplied, and Scotty nodded gratefully. "Yeah. She's got baggage," Vera continued. "She's got more issues than I can count. But for whatever reason, she fell in love with me, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes."

Well, that made Scotty feel a little better. It was clear, beyond clear, that Lilly loved him. He'd never felt more secure in her love…so she might say yes. Maybe. If he did it right.

"So…" Scotty began with a grin, his tone a bit lighter. "How'd you do it? The 'just ask her' part. Fancy skywritin' or somethin'?"

Vera chuckled. This…this he wasn't going to tell Scotty. There was a limit to how compassionate he was going to be, and he'd damn near reached it.

"Yeah, sure," he agreed nonchalantly. "Fancy skywritin'. Horse-drawn carriage in Fairmount Park. On the scoreboard at a Sixers game. Whatever."

"Dammit, Nick," Scotty exploded in a fit of irritation. "How'd you do it? For real?"

"You mean you got no idea at all how you're gonna ask Lil?" he asked, utterly incredulous. "Even after all this time?"

"Hey," Scotty replied, somewhat defensively. "I got an idea. I got a plan."

"Good," Vera answered. "Then stick with it. Go with your gut. 'Cause when the moment's right…you'll know. And…if she's gonna say yes…then the most lame-ass, cliché proposal in the world will seem absolutely perfect to her. And if she's not…well…then all the diamonds in the world won't sway her. Whenever you ask…and however you ask…that ain't what she's sayin' yes to. She's sayin' yes to _you_, man."

Scotty was silent for a moment as he pondered his friend's words. It simultaneously made him feel better…and yet not. Because whether or not his proposal was a grand romantic gesture that would sweep Lilly off her feet…that wasn't his concern. Not really. Oh, sure, a part of him wanted to outdo any and every guy who'd ever proposed in the history of the known universe…but most of him just wanted Lilly to marry him. To say yes to _him._ And whether or not she would…that was the big mystery.

"I'm happy for you," he finally told Vera. "You and Miller."

"Yeah?" Vera asked.

"Yeah," Scotty echoed, with a smile that, although small, was nonetheless sincere. "I mean…it's a little weird, you and her…never woulda pictured that, not in a million years, but…it seems like you make each other happy."

"Thanks, man," Vera replied. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Vera gave Scotty his trademark grin.

"And, hey…if you chicken out and don't ask Lil…I'm gonna shove a pretzel up your nose," he threatened.

"And then I'll kick your ass," Kat echoed, giving Vera's shoulder an affectionate pat as she came back in with a donut. Scotty saw Vera glance at the donut, then smile up at her, and she smiled back, almost secretively. He didn't know what the hell that was about, but, he suddenly realized, he really, _really_ didn't want to know. Not after last night. He had to fight to repress another involuntary shudder.

"Thanks, guys," he replied with a grin, then picked up the file. "You ready to go round up some doer ass, Miller?" he asked.

"You know it," she rejoined, grabbing her coat, and the two headed out.

* * *

The day was a busy one, and Scotty barely saw Lilly at all. In his current state, he decided that was probably a good thing. They were spinning their wheels on the case, which provided few suspects and even fewer motives. Normally, this would have frustrated him to no end, but right now, he was eternally grateful. He was in the zone, his mind was fully occupied with work, and he glanced at his watch only occasionally, with just the briefest thoughts of the task that lay ahead of him. The case was so complicated that he didn't have time to flip out. Not now. Not today. Thank God.

Meanwhile, Lilly had been puzzled, but not surprised, that she'd hardly seen Scotty. He'd gotten up before she did, made the coffee, put a cup on her bedside table, and then taken off, mumbling something about going home to grab a change of clothes. In her half-asleep state, she'd reminded him that he kept some clothes in her closet, but he was already two-thirds of the way down the stairs by the time she'd thought to mention it.

She'd forgotten the exchange entirely by the time she got to work and found Scotty and Miller already gone, and she and Jeffries plunged into a series of interviews that kept them happily occupied until well past lunchtime. They got a brief breather to grab a hot dog and regroup in the office, and Lilly was hastily reviewing some old documents, wondering what the hell she was missing, wondering where that last piece of the puzzle was, when she suddenly sensed Scotty behind her.

"Hola, _querida_," he greeted her, with a soft kiss on her cheek and a brief rub of her shoulders.

"Hey," she replied without looking up. _Something's still not quite adding up here…this was too choreographed, too specific, to be a random act of violence…what are we not seeing?_

Inwardly, Scotty sighed with contentment as his swirling thoughts suddenly crystallized and a fragile sense of peace washed over him. He'd been a mess all day, but now, being in Lilly's presence, however briefly, calmed him somewhat…which was a good thing.

"Tonight at eight, right?" he asked her as he planted another kiss on her cheek, trying his damnedest to keep his voice casual.

"Yeah, sure," Lilly agreed, flipping a page. _Wait….what's this….? _

"Great," he said, with another happy sigh. "Oh, and I'll meet you there. Gotta leave work a little early to get this damn thing off," he added, indicating the splint that still encased his right hand.

"Sounds great," Lilly said again. She knew Scotty was talking, and she was even dimly aware of what he was saying, but she could only devote about two percent of her brain to him…because she'd just uncovered something in her notes.

_Petition for legal separation; Francine Raymond and Malcolm Raymond…holy crap…_

"Hey, Scotty, check this out," she said excitedly. "Did you know Francine Raymond was married?" She turned around to share her enthusiasm…but Scotty had disappeared. Lilly glanced around, mystified, then shrugged, got up, and headed into Stillman's office to explain her findings to him.

* * *

"Take a look at this, Boss," Lilly enthused as she entered the lieutenant's office and handed him what she'd just found. "Francine Raymond was actually married."

"Married…" Stillman mused, taking a peek at the file. "Seems like that shoulda come up."

"Apparently she got married young, things didn't work out…and look at this," Lilly urged him, then paused, pointing out the date of the separation. "That boyfriend of hers? She was still legally married while she was sleeping with him."

"That explains why she was livin' in a hotel," Stillman remarked, flipping a page in the file. "Any idea of the husband's whereabouts?" he asked.

"Vera's trackin' him down," she replied. "Will talked to the boyfriend this morning, no mention of her bein' married."

"Probably didn't know," Stillman surmised.

"Yeah, but…she was living in a hotel," Lilly pointed out. "Surely that woulda raised a red flag."

Stillman raised his eyebrows and grinned slightly as he handed the file back to Lilly. "Power of a pretty girl, Lil," he remarked. "You think you got a chance, you don't ask questions."

"Sounds like you've got some experience with that, Boss," Lilly replied with a teasing smile.

"More than I'd like to admit," he agreed, grinning wryly.

"Found the husband, Boss," Vera announced proudly as he came into the office bearing a scrap of paper with an address scribbled on it.

"Well, bring him in," Stillman instructed. "Sounds like he's got a story worth hearing."

* * *

That afternoon, Scotty and Kat went out for a chat with Francine's sister, who, when pressed, admitted that she knew about the marriage. It was a secret marriage, since Malcolm and Francine were so young, and their parents disapproved, but Scotty and Kat sensed that they weren't getting the whole story from her, and upon further questioning, she confessed that she hadn't told police back then because she was actually sleeping with her former brother-in-law and didn't want him to get into trouble. At this revelation, Scotty nearly felt sick to his stomach. The callousness with which these people treated their sacred vows irked him to no end, and didn't do a hell of a lot for his pre-proposal state of mind. By the time they'd gotten back into the car to return to Headquarters, he was in a thoroughly foul mood, even worse than he'd been before.

"Married," Kat remarked, still shaking her head as Scotty started the car. "Can't believe that girl was even old enough. Sister insists she was eighteen when she got married, but she didn't look a day over twelve."

"Mmm," Scotty replied noncommittally, and Kat continued to prattle on about the marriage.

"Eighteen," she scoffed. "_Please_. Didn't know who I even was at eighteen. Hell, that's only eight years older than Veronica is now! How in the world can anyone be ready to make a lifetime commitment at that age?"

"I was," Scotty pointed out, mostly just to be argumentative. He hadn't been. Not really. Back then, marriage was the furthest thing from his mind. But picking a fight with Miller, immature though it was, was suddenly an attractive option.

"You," Kat scoffed. "Yeah, right. This from the man who has said, on record, that he didn't want kids 'till he was forty. This from the man who's carried around an engagement ring for how long?"

Well, crap. That plan backfired. But instead of launching a return volley of his own, as part of him longed to do, Scotty just shrugged, suddenly not wanting to discuss Elisa, or Lilly, or anything else with his partner, so he glared straight ahead, completely tuning out Kat's diatribe and focusing on some irksomely catchy pop song that was playing on the radio. The song was over a decade old, and he'd hated it back then, hated it just as much, if not more so, now, but its memorable, if a bit nonsensical, chorus was still preferable to discussing the ins and outs of marriage with Kat Miller. Especially now that he knew that the fantastic guy she'd fallen head over heels for and actually agreed to marry was none other than Nick Vera. Scotty shuddered again, though whether it was from the song or the lingering shock from finding out about the Vera/Miller…_thing_…he wasn't sure.

Somewhere along the line, Kat stopped talking, and although Scotty had no idea when that had happened, he suddenly became aware of a silence from the passenger seat. It had seemed that she'd used her ace detective skills to figure out that he wasn't in a chatty mood, and he was eternally grateful, both for that and the fact that the damn song had stopped playing. Even better, Scotty was startled to realize that somehow, they'd arrived at Headquarters, and he sighed with relief as they pulled up out front. The sooner he could get this whole damn day over with, the better.

"Doorside service," Kat remarked with a smile and a glance in Scotty's direction as she unfastened her seat belt. "What's the occasion? Just feel like bein' less of a jackass than usual?"

Scotty smiled, but it was only a brief flicker of a grin, not the usual full-fledged smile she'd grown accustomed to. "Nah," he shrugged.

"So you're still bein' a jackass," she replied, arching a brow at him.

"You could say that," he agreed lightly.

Kat sighed. "Okay, what the hell's with you?" she demanded. "Just cranky 'cause you didn't get laid last night?"

Scotty flashed her a brief glare. "Suppose you heard all about that from Nicky," he griped petulantly.

Kat chuckled. "Didn't need to. I could see it written all over your face. And don't think for a minute I feel the least bit sorry for you, either," she continued. "Took Nick and me a week and a half to get the idea of the two of you outta our systems before we could even begin to---"

"Don't," Scotty snapped. "Okay? Just…_don't_. I got enough on my plate today."

Kat blinked in surprise at his sudden vehemence. Was Valens really this traumatized by the idea of her and Vera together?

"The hell's eatin' you?" she demanded, a bit defensively.

Scotty sighed. "Just…gotta leave early, get this damn splint off, then…I'm takin' Lil out to dinner."

"Dinner, huh?" Kat asked. "Sounds like that should be cause for celebration, not you actin' like a----oh…" she trailed off, her eyes widening with sudden realization.

"Yeah," Scotty agreed, seeing on her face that she'd guessed the reason for his less-than-chipper mood.

"_Oh_," she said again, searching his eyes.

"Yeah," he echoed.

"Wow," Kat replied, a smile spreading slowly across her face. "Tonight, huh? For real?"

"Yeah," Scotty repeated, finding that his partner's broad smile was contagious as he felt his own lips beginning to respond in a grin. "Just…Lil doesn't know, okay? So don't tell her."

"Lips are sealed," she agreed.

"In fact…don't tell anyone…not even Vera," he implored.

"C'mon, Man Candy," Kat replied with a mischievous grin. "You know me. I can keep secrets." She brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face then, her diamond ring readily apparent even under the leaden, late-afternoon sky, and she flaunted it a bit, glancing at Scotty in hopes that he'd catch the unspoken significance.

"That you can," Scotty agreed, flashing her a bigger grin than he'd previously been able to manage.

They paused, looking at one another for a moment, Kat still smiling out of sheer joy for her partner, and Scotty drawing on the hope that radiated from her face, before she got out of the car, then turned back, looking deep into his eyes and offering one last bit of encouragement.

"Just remember…I said yes," she reminded him with a smile.

"Yeah," Scotty agreed, then his eyes began to twinkle with just a hint of mischief. "To Nick Vera."

"To Nick Vera," she echoed.

Scotty stared at her, still trying to absorb the stunning truth, then smiled ruefully, shook his head, and took off.

* * *

Kat said yes.

That, Scotty decided, would be his mantra. His center of gravity. The thing he'd focus on to get him through the next few hours, to give him hope that he wasn't about to utterly destroy life as he knew it with a diamond ring and a simple, four-word question.

Kat said yes.

Kat Miller, with her issues, and her baggage, and her God alone knew what else, had said yes.

To Nick Vera. _Nick Vera,_ of all people. Sure, Vera was one of Scotty's best friends, one of the best people he knew…but Scotty couldn't for the life of him, fathom what Miller saw in the guy. He'd have to interrogate her about it someday, he decided with a grin. But not now. Not today. He had bigger fish to fry.

Kat said yes.

That was all he allowed himself to think about as he drove to the clinic to get the splint off, then, having more time than he'd thought, decided to go home for a while, the idea of having time alone with his thoughts suddenly not as intimidating as it had been that morning. He showered and shaved, greatly relieved that the removal of the splint made both tasks far easier than they had been in previous days, and then headed out to his bedroom to get dressed and, with a start, realized that the clothes he'd planned on wearing that night, the clothes he'd brought with him to the office so he wouldn't have to change at home… were, in fact, still at the office.

Grinning ruefully and chuckling to himself, Scotty pawed through his closet, searching for something to wear. It took him far longer than he would have liked, and, ten minutes later, he was still standing there, shivering in his towel.

_Jeez, Valens, you a woman all of a sudden? Just pick something, _his annoyed brain urged him_._

With an exasperated sigh, he finally settled on a black suit, black shirt, and white tie. Maybe it made him look like Regis Philbin. Who knew? He didn't care. He just knew that Rosalia, who had always told him that he looked good in black, had given him the shirt and tie for Christmas, and it was different enough from his standard everyday work wear that, he hoped, Lilly would be impressed. Taking a glance in the mirror as he straightened his tie, however, he realized that Rosalia was right, he did look good in black, and, knowing Lilly, she _would _be impressed, dammit. Hell, maybe she'd be so impressed that she'd decide they should skip dinner, go back to her place, and…

No. He wasn't going to let sex with Lilly distract him. Not again. Not tonight. He was going to ask her, dammit. No more delays. No more procrastination. _Fish or cut bait, Valens_.

It was time.

Strengthened anew by his resolve, Scotty took one last glance in the mirror, then grabbed his keys and started out the door, doubling back with a sense of wry amusement when he realized that he'd left the ring in the pair of pants he'd worn to work that day.

_If Lil says no, that's it, _he promised himself as he fished the ring out of the discarded pants and slipped it into his coat pocket. _I'll just be a single guy for the rest of my life. 'Cause no way in hell can I go through this again._

He'd never been this anxious before, not about something like this. He was Scotty Valens, for God's sake. Women didn't scare him. Women didn't intimidate him. Well, okay, Miller did sometimes, but for completely different reasons. He wasn't like this. He was suave…cool…confident…

Besides, Kat said yes to Vera. Kat said yes. _Kat said yes, dammit._

He continued to fixate on that thought as he drove to the restaurant, headed into the warm, cozy interior, took a deep breath, and looked around the dining room.

There it was. Their table. Right by the window, third one back from the entrance. Probably not the best table in the place, but Scotty didn't care. It was _their_ table. The table where they'd had their first date. The table where he'd been completely mesmerized by how beautiful Lilly was that night, how he hadn't been able to absorb a word she'd said, so captivated was he by how breathtaking she looked in that red dress. The table where he'd looked into her sparkling blue eyes and felt the first hint of that gloriously sweet ache in his heart that, by Monday morning, had bloomed into full-fledged love. That was their table, he thought with a smile as the hostess escorted him towards it.

Lilly wasn't there yet. He wasn't surprised. He was ten minutes early…and if he knew Lil, she was probably at home with at least two dresses, if not three, scattered on the bed, the cats twining themselves around her ankles while she stood in front of the mirror, glancing at the clock and muttering to herself while fussing with her hair. She'd probably wear it up, he decided with a smile. She usually did that when they went out someplace nice…either up, or maybe down, with curls. The curls drove him to distraction, and she knew that…but, since it was a workday, and since she'd have no doubt stayed at the office later than she'd intended…up it would be. Which was fine with him. Just gave him more of her porcelain skin to gaze at, more of her long neck just begging for the touch of his fingers…his lips…

_Stop it, Valens. You gotta ask her first._

She probably wouldn't have bought a new dress, he decided…which was also fine with him. She had a couple of gorgeous dresses, that red one she'd worn on their first date, and the black one she'd brought with her on their trip to New York. Either one…didn't matter. Whichever one she'd have on, he knew he'd have a hell of a time keeping his eyes, and his hands, off her.

He pictured Lilly staring into the mirror, slipping in a pair of earrings, tucking a couple stray wisps of blonde hair behind her ears, sighing in irritation, then shrugging, realizing she'd done the best she could, before heading into the bedroom and grabbing whichever cat, probably Tripod, he decided, had chosen to take a nap on top of whichever dress Lil had invariably decided to wear. With a smile, he pictured her glaring at her pet in mock indignation as she picked her up, brushed white fur off the garment and sighed in defeat. His heart warmed at how clearly he could picture the scene unfolding before him, how well he knew Lilly, how much he loved her, and with that realization, he felt his nerves beginning to calm.

Scotty smiled as he took a sip of the water that had mysteriously appeared in front of him, then gazed out the window, reflecting on how one night in Nashville, one stupid, inebriated, lust-filled night in Nashville, could have led to…_this. _All of this. All the love and happiness and anger and tears and laughter and desire and everything else the last year had brought them. He thanked God he'd had that extra shot of scotch that night in Tennessee, that one last ounce or two of booze that had finally pushed him over the edge and made him agree to dance with Lilly, made him okay with letting her see just how unfathomably lousy he was at country…and made him seek out her lips when the song ended.

He took the ring out of his coat pocket, popped open the box, and stared at it, gazing at the diamond in the center and those two sapphires that were the exact same shade as Lilly's eyes. This was it. Tonight was the night.

Kat said yes.

Scotty sighed happily as he put the ring back in the box, slipped it back into his coat pocket, and glanced at his watch.

7:57.

Any minute now, she'd be coming right through that door…and their lives would change forever.

Scotty took a deep breath and another sip of water, then glanced out the window, watching for a glimpse of blonde hair or the flash of a familiar smile.

7:58.

It was almost time.


	45. Writing On The Wall

**A/N: I'm pretty sure there'll only be one more chapter after this. Figured I should warn you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, but after what the show's insisting on doing to Scotty, I'm redoubling my efforts to buy him, at least. **

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Five: Writing On The Wall**

Scotty sighed, took another sip of water, and drummed his fingertips, a tad impatiently, against the white linen tablecloth. She really wasn't _that_ late. It was only 8:10. And besides, there were plenty of logical reasons why she wasn't there yet. She could've gotten stuck in traffic. Could've taken longer than usual to decide what to wear. Could've left the house, gotten halfway to her car, and realized she'd forgotten to feed the cats. And it wasn't like Lilly was the queen of punctuality, anyway. Oh, at work, she was, but off the clock, she could be counted on to be at least five minutes late for whatever it was they were doing. He'd learned to live with that. Lilly Standard Time, he called it. And while normally, her being ten minutes late wouldn't have bothered him, he had to admit that this wasn't a normal situation. He was on edge already. This wasn't helping.

Clenching and unclenching his jaw, he resisted the urge, for the umpteenth time, to look at his watch, or out the window, and under no circumstances would he allow himself to call her. All of those were signs of desperation, he decided, he so he amused himself instead by scrolling through his cell phone contacts and deleting the name of anyone he hadn't spoken to in the last two years. That should take a while, he figured, and by the time he was done, Lilly would be breezing through that door, smiling apologetically, and all this would be forgotten.

Unfortunately, there weren't as many contacts to delete as he might have hoped, so, at 8:12, with a sigh of frustration and defeat, he finally gave in and called Lilly.

She didn't pick up.

In a fit of irritation, he called her house, but got no response there, either.

_Jeez, Valens, would you relax? _His brain chided him. _Lil never answers the phone when she's in the car, and if she ain't pickin' up at home, that means she's on her way. She's gonna be here any minute. Just play it cool, okay? You got enough to worry about._

That worked…for about two minutes, and then, he found himself beginning to worry again. He forced himself not to call Lilly, even going so far as to put his phone back in his pocket, and decided to reorganize the contents of his wallet. To his embarrassment, Scotty realized that the photos he carried of his niece and nephew were hopelessly outdated. Emilio's picture was at least two years old, and the photo of Eva was the one Allie had sent him in the birth announcement.

_I gotta get better pictures, _he told himself, grateful for the momentary distraction.

At 8:17, he called Lilly again.

Still no answer.

_Chill, Valens, _his brain urged him, though Scotty was a bit unnerved when even the voice of his conscience didn't sound as convinced as it had five minutes before. _Olivia probably threw up on the bed again. _That had happened more than once in recent days, and Scotty couldn't help but notice that she always chose the same spot, near the foot of the bed on the side he always slept on. Maybe the cat was trying to tell Lilly something, he mused. _Nah. Get real, Valens. You're just bein' paranoid._

She still didn't answer at 8:22.

The snooty maître d' chose that moment to come up to Scotty's table. "Would you care for something from the bar while you wait, sir?" he asked, with exaggerated smoothness and just a hint of disdain.

_Yeah, _Scotty wanted to say. _Bring me a whole freakin' bottle of scotch. The best you got. And charge it to Lil's credit card. _

That's what he wanted to say. Instead, he gave the man a tight smile and a slight shake of his head, and the maître d' withdrew.

By 8:26, after one more call to Lilly's cell phone, it occurred to him that she was nearly a half-hour late, with no call to explain, no message to the restaurant itself, no text message, nothing. No contact from her at all. Over the next few minutes, his irritation gradually began to fade into genuine worry. This wasn't like her. She was known to be late, sure, but she usually called if something came up. So for her to not call…

The icy chill of dread washed through his veins as he picked up the phone to dial her number again.

* * *

Lilly sighed with relief, leaned against the cool cement wall of Headquarters, and fanned herself with her notes after the uniformed officers took both Francine's husband and boyfriend away. She and Vera been in that interview room with Malcolm Raymond for hours, finally getting him to confess to conspiring to murder his estranged wife with her betrayed boyfriend, and she hadn't realized quite how much it would take out of her. She was exhausted, emotionally drained, and, she realized, absolutely starving.

"I could kill for some Chinese food," she remarked to Vera as he finished stashing his gun in his locker and the two proceeded toward the office.

"I could kill for anything at this point," Vera agreed.

"Miller still here?" Lilly asked. "We could split something while we finish up the paperwork."

"Sounds good," Vera answered. "Least Valens can help with it now."

"Yeah?" Lilly asked, her face brightening. "Think he'll still be here?"

Vera grinned. "He was gettin' his splint off this afternoon," he replied. "So if that jackass sticks me with his paperwork again, we're gonna have to have a serious talk."

Lilly chuckled as they rounded the corner into the office. "Don't blame you a bit, Nick," she remarked.

When they got there, however, they found the squad room mostly deserted. Only Miller and Jeffries remained, and, though Stillman's office was empty, the light was still on…but Scotty was nowhere to be seen.

"Valens ain't back from the doctor yet?" Vera asked incredulously.

"Ain't comin' back," Kat replied without looking up as she settled into her desk to start on paperwork. "Said he had some big plans for this evening."

"I'll just bet he did," Vera griped. "The man gets his splint off, so he can actually write somethin' for the first time in, like, a week, and he's got big plans?"

"Big plans?" Lilly repeated, a sense of odd panic running through her veins.

"Said somethin' about dinner," Kat replied, then finally looked up from her paperwork. "With _you_," she added, casting a surprised glance in Lilly's direction.

"Oh, my God," Lilly exclaimed, slapping her forehead with the palm of her hand. "What time is it?" She glanced up at the clock.

8:58.

_Oh, no._

"Oh, shit," Vera exclaimed.

"I know!" Lilly wailed. "Our reservations were an hour ago!"

And then her eyes followed Vera's to her desk, which was adorned with a dozen red roses.

"Oh, shit!" Vera exclaimed again, as Lilly quickly crossed the room to read the card.

_Quiero estar contigo para siempre._ She wasn't quite sure what that meant, but it sounded serious. Scotty apparently really had intended for this night to be a celebration…and she'd gotten so caught up in the interview that she'd completely lost track of time.

Hastily shoving the card back into the envelope and tossing it to the desk, Lilly whipped her phone out of her pocket to call Scotty and attempt to apologize, but froze stock-still when she saw the little screen.

Eight missed calls.

All from Scotty.

"Oh, no," she whispered.

"What?" Vera asked intensely.

"Eight missed calls," she remarked as she dialed Scotty's number. "Don't get what the big deal about tonight is…"

"Son of a _bitch_," Vera exclaimed, and something in his voice, and the way he suddenly slapped his desk with an open palm, made Lilly hang up, lower the phone, and whirl to face him.

"What?" she demanded.

Vera looked startled, then tried to cover whatever reaction he'd just had with a shrug. "Nothin'," he replied. But Lilly knew better.

"This isn't nothing, Nick," she said, narrowing her eyes and taking a step toward him. "You know something. What's goin' on?"

Vera peered into Lilly's eyes as she approached. Holy crap, she didn't have a clue.

"You…really don't know, do you?" he asked, more of a statement than a question.

"Know _what_?" she demanded, casting a helpless glance at her colleagues, who suddenly seemed intensely interested in finishing up their paperwork. "Would someone tell me what's going on?"

Vera sighed. "Scotty's just…he's gonna…look, tonight's important, okay?" he finished, his voice clipped with frustration as he peered into her eyes, willing her to understand.

"All he said was that we were celebrating," Lilly replied with a frown. "Did he…tell you what it was about?"

Vera glanced around. "Dinner reservations? Flowers? _Celebrating_? C'mon, Rush…"

"_What?"_ Lilly asked in exasperation. "What's going on? What am I missing?"

Vera sighed. "Scotty…bought something a while back," he said, with a significant, leading expression in his eyes, and Lilly was immensely frustrated that she still wasn't following his train of thought.

"Nick…" Jeffries warned softly from his desk.

"What?" Vera exploded, turning toward his former partner. "She needs to know."

"Know _what_?" Lilly almost shrieked.

Her three co-workers glanced at each other, then turned their knowing eyes in her direction. She looked at them…looked at the flowers…looked down at her cell phone…

…and a wild, almost ridiculous idea began to churn around in her mind.

_Celebrating…bought something…eight missed calls…"tonight's important…"_

No…surely not…not _that_…not yet…

"What did he buy?" she asked quietly. When no one answered, Lilly looked up again, and the expressions on her co-workers' faces confirmed her sudden suspicion.

"Oh, my God…" she croaked weakly, the room starting to spin. "He didn't…" her brow creased in confusion as she looked back at Vera.

"_When?_" she demanded.

"He's been carryin' it around for, like, weeks, Lil," Vera answered quietly.

_Weeks? Oh, dear God…_Lilly's eyes widened, and she felt all the color drain from her face as the spinning room began to pick up its pace.

"You had no idea?" Vera asked.

"No," Lilly whispered.

"Scotty didn't tell you?" he pressed.

"No, "she whispered again, with a stunned shake of her head.

"You haven't talked about it at _all_?" he asked incredulously.

"_No_," Lilly replied in frustration. "I mean, we've talked about being in this or whatever, we've talked about maybe someday, but I didn't think he meant…" she trailed off, her mind whirling.

Vera sighed and rolled his eyes. How stupid was Scotty, anyway? Springing a proposal on Lilly without so much as a whisper about marriage during the year they'd been together? No discussion? Not even a hint as to what he was planning? Was he trying to sabotage this on purpose?

He glanced at Lilly, seeing the panic swimming in her blue eyes, and his heart sank to his shoes.

"You're…you're not gonna go to dinner, are you," he realized slowly.

"How can I?" she replied, her voice shrill with fright. "He's gonna ask me to marry him!"

"And what's so wrong with that?" Vera asked, gently grasping her shoulders.

"Nick, I---I---" she began, but she was so shocked, and possibly terrified, that she couldn't get the words out.

"Look," Vera began calmly. "You love him, don't you?"

"Of course," Lilly replied, a fragile peace trying to break through the whirling chaos.

"And anyone with eyes can see he's nuts about you," Vera continued. "He loves you more than I've ever seen him love anyone. And you love him more than I've ever seen you love anyone. You two are freakin' perfect for each other in your own weird, semi-dysfunctional little way. You make each other happier than I've ever seen either one of you. So…what the hell's wrong with wantin' that for the rest of your life?"

"The rest of my…" she began, her voice barely above a whisper as her eyes widened even further.

"Oh, for God's sake," Vera exclaimed, just a touch exasperated. "Look. You know Scotty better than any of us. And we all know that, underneath that 'I'm such a player' crap he tries to pull over on everyone…that he wants forever. He wants to get married. To you. No way in hell did you not know that. Would it have been smarter for him to talk to you about it first? Probably. But, Lil…you know him. You know who he is. And you know what he wants."

Lilly felt tears beginning to sting her eyes as Vera continued his pep talk.

"Now…I know you ain't had the best go of things, and I don't really blame you for freakin' out. You wouldn't be you if you didn't." He stopped then, grinning slightly, then continued. "But if you let your past get in the way of somethin' that could be really, really great…you're sellin' yourself short. Him, too. Now, you can either say no and break both your hearts…or you can take a leap. Marriage ain't a guarantee, Lil, I know that as well as anyone. But I'm takin' the leap again, 'cause I found someone I wanna take it with." He glanced over at Kat, who tossed him a warm smile, both of love and encouragement.

Bolstered by that brief glance, he turned back to Lilly. "So…if you can look me in the eyes and say you don't wanna at least try with him…fine. Call it off. Tell him you ain't showin' up. Whatever. But if you can't do that…then you gotta go to dinner," he declared.

Lilly opened her mouth to speak…but she couldn't. She simply couldn't. All she could do was stare helplessly at Vera.

"You can't do it, can you?" Vera realized, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Lilly couldn't even form the word to say no. She stood still for a moment, then slowly shook her head.

Vera sighed with relief. "So…go. Have dinner with him. Take the leap."

"Nick, I…" Lilly began. "I…" _I can't go. Not yet. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to face him. I can't…_

"You have to go, Lil," he repeated, seeking her eyes, but they were darting wildly from side to side, and he knew, with a sinking heart, that she was contemplating her escape.

"I need a minute," she replied, starting for the interview room.

"Lil," Vera protested, turning around as she swept past. "You're already almost an hour late. He's gonna think---"

"Dammit, I need a minute," she exclaimed, then, without another word, she charged into the interview room and slammed the door.

* * *

By 8:47, Scotty was in a full-fledged state of panic. Lilly was forty-five minutes late, with no sign of her anywhere. _Has she been in an accident? Kidnapped? _He'd called her phone at least seven times, maybe eight, he'd lost count by this point. He'd called her house, her desk at work, even the front desk in the lobby of Headquarters, all to no avail, and he was now frantically dialing everyone else he could think of.

Vera cell…Vera desk…Vera home.

Miller cell…Miller desk…Miller home.

Jeffries cell…

By the time he'd finished calling even Stillman's cell phone and gotten no answer, Scotty was assuming the worst. His brain, normally a somewhat snarky voice of reason, capable of talking him down off all but the highest of ledges, now seemed to be shrugging its shoulders and looking at him blankly. _Hell if I know, _it was saying.

At that, a thought that had pricked the back of his mind somewhere along the line about twenty minutes ago, a thought that had almost made him laugh with the sheer ridiculousness of it, wormed its way through the rest of his suddenly defenseless brain and burst through in its full, melodramatically preposterous glory.

The office had been taken hostage, and Lilly had been shot.

Oh, sure, the idea had seemed far-fetched when it first occurred to him a few minutes back, but now, now that he couldn't reach anyone in the office, on their cell, or at home, it didn't seem quite so insane. His rational mind had absolutely no rebuttal, and, Scotty realized, he was in such a panic that he doubted he would have been capable of listening to the voice of reason even if it had been there in the first place. What remained of his cop's brain raced through all the possible ways such a scenario could take place. The building had good security, sure, but it definitely wasn't foolproof, especially after hours. Someone could easily smuggle a weapon in with something innocuous like a stroller, or a wheelchair, or something else that the security guards would never think to search. And who knew what sort of psychopath they were dealing with on this job? They never knew. At any moment, anything could happen, any one of them could be held at gunpoint, and there might not be any way to call for help. It was part of the job, part of the risk. They all knew that, and, in principle, they accepted it.

But, Scotty realized, it was a whole new ball game when that seemingly far-fetched scenario was suddenly looming as a very real possibility. What other reason could there be for no one answering their phones?

His hands trembling and a cold sweat beading all over his body, he dialed Lilly's number one more time.

* * *

Vera sighed and buried his face in his hands as Lilly disappeared from view and the door to the interview room slammed shut. He'd spent his entire life trying to avoid getting in the middle of people's drama, and yet, here he was, right smack in the middle of it. Again. He'd just spilled the beans about Scotty's plans to propose, and, true to form, Rush had turned even paler than usual and gotten that damn deer-in-the-headlights expression she got whenever anyone tried to talk to her about anything more personal than a case. He'd had no idea it was supposed to be a surprise, and it had never even occurred to him that it would be the kind of news to Lil that it apparently was. For God's sake, even if Valens had been stupid enough not to breathe a word to her about his intentions, how the hell could she not know? She was a detective, for God's sake. And Scotty's girlfriend. She loved him. She knew him better than any of them did. And yet she didn't know?

Suddenly, Vera was glad he'd told her. For Scotty's sake, anyway. He shuddered to think what would have happened if Valens had, in fact, been stupid enough to surprise Lil with a proposal. She probably would've flipped out, much like she was doing now, said no, and broken his heart. Both of their hearts, actually. And then Vera would have been called on to go to Scotty's apartment, with its dim lighting, displaced furniture, and loud country music to console its drunken, devastated occupant yet again, only this time, he wasn't sure there would be any consolation. He knew how much it would have hurt if Kat had said no…that would've been a blow from which he wasn't sure he'd have been able to recover. And for Scotty to hear no from Lilly, and to hear it like this, after all the rest of the crap he'd been through…the man would be toast. Vera was sure.

And the squad would never be the same. After their first breakup, Vera had heard rumors that Rush was planning to go back out on the line, back to the fresh jobs, and Valens was planning to transfer altogether, to give up his job in Homicide and go back to Narcotics at West. _Who the hell in their right mind would give up this job? _Vera wondered…but, again, if Kat had said no, he realized, with a wry grin, that his transfer papers would have been on Stillman's desk that instant, if not sooner. No way would he have been able to work so closely with the woman he'd loved and lost, so he didn't blame either one of them for planning to leave.

But…the squad. They were so much more than just co-workers, and everyone knew it. They were a team. They were a family. To lose one of them was unimaginable. Perhaps it was a bit selfish, Vera knew, but one of his biggest fears was that something exactly like this would happen, and the squad would be torn asunder forever. That was, he realized, why he'd hated the idea of Rush and Valens together as a couple at the beginning. Oh, sure, he and Miller were doing the exact same thing…but he and Miller were adults. Mature. Capable of handling such a risky situation with the decorum it required. Rush and Valens? Those two were an apocalyptic cataclysm, a horror show waiting to happen. He'd come around, of course, once he saw how much the two loved each other, but he'd always had that fear, that niggling worry in the back of his mind that Valens' bull-in-a-china-shop tendencies would collide head-on with Rush's boatload of issues, and now, it looked like that very thing had happened.

Vera's thoughts were interrupted by a jarring vibration on a desk a few feet from his, and he glanced up, startled, to realize that it was Lilly's phone. Apparently she'd been so caught off-guard that she hadn't bothered to take it with her into the interview room.

He planned to ignore it, not wanting to get any more involved than he already was, but Kat shot him a Look.

"What?" he nearly exploded as the phone buzzed again.

"You gonna get that?" she asked him, arching a brow.

"No," he replied. "Ain't my phone. So it ain't for me."

"Well, who the hell do you suppose is callin' Rush at this time of night on a Friday when we've just closed a case and she's an hour late for dinner?" Kat demanded, and she ignored Vera's glare as she looked pointedly from him to the phone and back again.

"No way," Vera declared, shaking his head emphatically. "I ain't gettin' in the middle of this."

"You're already in the middle of it, Nick," Kat reminded him, "and if you don't answer it, I will."

For a second, Vera considered taking her up on her threat, but at the sparks that shot from his fiancee's eyes, he realized that, like it or not, he'd better take this call.

"Rush's phone," he answered, without even glancing at the caller ID. Didn't need to. He knew who it was.

"Nicky?" Scotty's anxious voice replied. "What the hell?"

Vera opened his mouth to answer, but before he could get a word in edgewise, Scotty poured forth a torrent of panicked questions. "Where's Lil? Is she okay? Is everyone else okay? Anyone been shot? Where the hell is---?"

Vera couldn't help but laugh despite the gravity of the situation. Valens was actually half-convinced someone had been shot?

"Relax," Vera urged Scotty, trying unsuccessfully to stifle his chuckling. "Lil's fine."

"Then where the hell is she?" Scotty demanded.

"We got caught in an interview, and she---" Vera started, but Scotty interrupted.

"So she's okay?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yeah, Scotty, she's fine," Vera repeated.

"So…she's on her way, then," Scotty assumed, the relief evident in his voice.

Vera paused. Crap. This was the one question he had no idea how to answer.

"Nicky?" Scotty demanded, his voice instantly taking on the hard-edged tone he used with suspects.

"Look, Scotty…about that…" Vera began helplessly, trying to come up with a way to explain what had happened, but he could hear his friend's heart sinking over the phone before he even said a word.

"She's still there, isn't she," Scotty replied. It wasn't a question. It was an assumption, spoken in a tone of almost utter defeat. The panic and anxiety were gone, as was the relief, and what was left was a dull, melancholy emptiness.

Vera paused, and he knew that his silence was all the answer Scotty needed.

"So…guess she ain't comin' then," Scotty concluded bitterly.

"Look, Scotty, she's---" Vera began, trying to be comforting, but he was completely caught off-guard by the sudden explosion of rage he heard on the other end.

"Oh, no way," Scotty snapped. "No way in hell is she doin' this. Here I was, thinkin' she was lyin' on the floor bleedin' somewhere, and she's still at work?"

"Scotty---" Vera began again.

"Those flowers came, right?" Scotty barked.

"Yeah," Vera answered.

"And she knew about dinner," Scotty continued, his voice growing angrier by the minute.

"Yeah, but she---" Vera tried to explain.

Scotty sighed. "I can't believe she's doin' this. A simple no, that woulda been bad enough, but for her to not even—"

"_Scotty_—"Vera began again, but Valens wasn't listening.

"No way," he almost shouted. "No fuckin' way. It ain't endin' like this. She wants to end this, she wants to say no, she's gonna have to say it to my face. I ain't lettin' this go that easy. She can at least have the decency to call it off like a damn grownup insteada makin' me wait here for a goddamn hour thinkin' the worst. No fuckin' way."

"Scotty, would you just---?" Vera begged, but once more, Scotty cut him off.

"Don't let her go anywhere," he ordered, a cold, hard, bitterness in his voice that Vera had never heard before. "I'm comin' down there."

"Scotty, listen, man, you don't wanna---" Vera began, but the sudden silence on the other end told him all he needed to know.

_Shit_. This was going from bad to worse.

* * *

Her eyes wide with panic, Lilly closed the door behind her and leaned against the back of it, focused, for the moment, on breathing. That was all she could deal with right now. Just breathing. Because if she thought about the reason she was in the interview room by herself…the reason she wasn't at dinner with Scotty right now…she'd lose it. She'd totally flip out. She was sure.

She stayed that way for a few seconds, but once her breathing slowed and her heart rate returned to normal, her brain insisted on reminding her why she was in there, and she had no choice but to try and absorb the truth.

Scotty was going to ask her to marry him. He was going to ask her for forever.

Marriage. Forever. With Scotty.

She'd been asked for forever twice before. Once on the back of Ray's bike in Knoxville, and she'd said yes, not knowing that he was serious until they were parked in front of the courthouse. And then once, a few years later, after a particularly satisfying romp in bed, Patrick had popped open a can of beer and appeared deep in thought for a few moments.

"What're you thinkin' , baby?" she'd asked dreamily.

"I'm thinkin' I oughta make an honest woman outta you," he'd replied with a smirk, then pulled a black velvet box out from underneath his pillow. She'd been so caught off-guard by what he was asking her that she couldn't say a word. He took her silence as a no at first, hastily covering his bases with a nonchalant, "Hey, it don't work out, we can always get a divorce, right?"

That, for some ridiculous reason, had mollified her, and she'd happily accepted, with tears in her eyes, and worn that sparkling diamond for two years before they got around to making any wedding plans…and then…

Lilly closed the door firmly on those memories. They were in the past. She'd been just a kid then. Well, okay, maybe not a kid, but still…she realized, suddenly, that both of those proposals had been…almost whimsical. Spur-of-the-moment, perhaps. She didn't know how long Patrick had had that ring under his pillow, but she knew him well enough to know that it hadn't been long. He wasn't one to sit on things and mull them over. When he wanted something, he went out and got it. Sometimes that was a good thing, sometimes it was…

…but Scotty wasn't like that, she reminded herself. She and Scotty had been together for over a year, which, although not long, felt like a lifetime. After all they'd been through, all they'd shared and experienced together, it felt like there had never been a time in her life when she hadn't been in love with him. The years before were now merely vague memories of a distant past when all they were was co-workers, partners, friends…

A smile tugged at her lips despite the panic as she realized that it was in this very interview room where she'd first laid eyes on the man she loved. He'd been perched on the table, the same table around which she now paced, contemplating forever…talking to a cheap, skanky-looking blonde with a bad dye job, promising her a steak dinner if she got him what he needed. Lilly couldn't believe it. That young, cocky Latino whose overpowering cologne she could smell from outside…_that _was her new partner? _That _was Lassing's replacement? _That _was the guy she was supposed to trust to take a bullet for her if she ever needed him to…and the guy for whom she was expected to do the same? _Him? _No way.

But, over the next few months, she'd realized that her first impressions of Scotty Valens had been vastly mistaken, and she was willing to admit, though perhaps not to him, that she'd underestimated him. Instead of the player he led her to believe he was, instead of the guy with a hundred girls on speed-dial and a date with a different one every night of the week…beneath that cocky, overeager exterior was one of the most loving, caring, beautiful souls she'd ever seen. Instead of fast living with cheap floozies, as everyone thought, Scotty was struggling mightily against forces far beyond his control, trying with every ounce of his strength to keep the world he knew from crumbling around him. By day, he was doing one of the most stressful jobs there was…but that was nothing compared to what awaited him off the clock. _Complicated social life, _she'd once said, and she didn't know the half of it.

Yet, through it all, she never heard him complain. She saw the pain and the weariness in his eyes, knew the toll the situation with his girlfriend was taking on him, but he never acted like Elisa was a burden. Even when she heard they'd called things off, she knew how much that had cost him, knew how heartbreaking it was for him to visit her in the hospital, yet she also knew that he just couldn't stay away.

_How long are you gonna keep underestimating him, Rush? _Her brain suddenly asked, and that thought ground her pacing to a halt as things began to crystallize before her.

She'd been underestimating Scotty since the get-go. She'd been expecting him, almost daring him, to leave her, just like everyone else. Oh, sure, she'd been reluctant to let him in to see her worst nightmares, the horrors that lay in her past…but, in a moment of alarming clarity, she was forced to realize that part of her had told him almost as a dare. As a challenge to him. Exit signs from the highway. Excuses for him to leave her without blame, so what she'd always believed about herself, that she wasn't worthy of anyone's love, would be proven true…

…but he hadn't left. He'd never left. He'd remained steadfast and never wavered in his commitment to her. Of course, he hadn't been perfect…but that wasn't what she expected from him. He'd been real instead. What had happened to her as a child, what she'd been through with her mother, had affected him deeply, and he'd let her see just how deeply. He hadn't run away, he hadn't pushed the Eject button and parachuted to safety…he'd stayed and loved her like she'd never been loved in her entire life. And he wanted to do that…forever.

She expected that thought to absolutely terrify her. Any minute now, the walls would start to close in, the room would start to spin, her heart would start racing, and she'd want nothing more than to flee, to run somewhere with wide open spaces where she wouldn't feel so trapped…

…but she waited. And waited.

And waited.

And that feeling never came.

After a few moments, Lilly opened her eyes and looked around. The interview room was completely empty, the panic was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she felt more settled, more at peace, than she'd ever felt in her life. The turmoil of her past, it seemed, was suddenly stilled, and she was left with nothing but a small glimmer of something in her heart, a glimmer that, as she focused on it, burst through all the layers of hurt and betrayal and abandonment and everything else she carried with her to loom large and shimmering before her.

It was that dream she'd had as a little girl…the dream of a white dress and a flowery church, with a guy standing at the front of it, ready to promise her forever. Except now the guy had a face. A face she knew and loved…a face that she was certain that, had she had any artistic talent at all, she could draw flawlessly from memory. A face with warm chocolate eyes that could shine bright with love or turn black with anger or sorrow; a strong forehead whose lines were just beginning to show how much worry and anxiety he'd carried with him through his life; sculpted cheekbones, a strong jawline…and those lips. Those lips that could flash a brilliant smile, a cocky grin, those lips that had traveled over every inch of her body more times than she could count…

That face was waiting for her at the front of the church, and she was walking down the aisle toward it, a joy like she'd never known bubbling in her heart.

Holy crap, she wanted this, she realized, with a force that took her breath away. She wanted to marry Scotty. Like she'd never wanted anything in her life.

When had this happened? She didn't know.

How had this happened? She had no idea.

But the one thing she did know, with a certainty she'd never experienced, was that that was what she wanted. She wanted to spend the rest of her days as Scotty's wife. To wake up next to him every morning and go to sleep next to him every night. To feel his arms around her when she was falling apart…and to hold him up when he couldn't stand on his own. To share the joys and sorrows and struggles and triumphs of life with him. To spend those crazy hours at the office and those quiet Sunday afternoons with him. To spend entire days in bed with him exploring all the ways they could drive each other insane with desire and over the edge into ecstasy. To eventually have children with him. To grow old with him. To see the lines on his face deepen and his hair turn gray and know exactly what had brought about each wrinkle, each gray hair, and to be that elderly couple in the park shuffling along hand-in-hand. She wanted that. All of that. With Scotty.

Her mind made up and a dazzling smile on her face, Lilly crossed the room and started to open the door, filled with certainty and hope and confidence. Forever beckoned, and she was ready. She was willing. She was able. She was eager.

She was going to dinner.


	46. You Found Me

**A/N: So I lied. It's not the last chapter. Next one is.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I do own a bunch of baby gear.**

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Six: You Found Me**

_Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you? Where were you?  
Just a little late.  
You found me, you found me_.

Scotty barged through the glass doors of Headquarters in a blind rage. He literally had no memory of the drive from the restaurant to the office, none at all, just a red haze of fury. After an hour spent coming up with every conceivable excuse for Lilly to have not shown up for dinner, from the innocent misunderstanding to the borderline-ridiculous tragedy…the simplest explanation, the one he'd tried his damnedest not to think about, was, in fact, the truth. She'd stood him up. He didn't know why, exactly, but he had a pretty good idea. Somehow, some way, Lil must have figured out what he was up to that night, figured out the question he'd ask that she'd need to answer…and she was too damn chickenshit to face him herself. She'd just let her absence speak for her.

But he wasn't going to take that crap. No way. No way in hell. Like he'd told Vera on the phone, if she was saying no, then she was going to have to say it to his face. If he'd had the guts to gear up, get the ring and the reservations and all the rest and actually prepare to propose, then she would have to have the decency to tell him, to his face, that she wasn't interested in marriage. Where they'd go from there, he didn't know. That wasn't even on his radar at the moment…right now, he was just livid.

He banged into the squad room, his eyes flashing fire, noting, with satisfaction, the way all his colleagues jumped.

"Where the hell is she?" he demanded gruffly, his eyes wildly scanning the room for any sign of Lilly.

Silently, Jeffries inclined his head toward the interview room, but Kat shot Scotty a warning glance. "Wouldn't go in there if I were you," she told him.

"Back off, Miller," Scotty growled . "Ain't your business."

He started to head in the direction of the interview room, but was surprised…no, make that shocked…when Vera stepped defiantly between him and the door.

"No way, man," he declared, his voice soft but firm. "You ain't goin' in there. Not like that."

"Get the hell outta my way, Nicky," Scotty snarled. "Ain't your business, either."

"It _is_ my business," Vera insisted heatedly, meeting Scotty's fierce glare with one of his own. "It became my business the second those flowers showed up and your girlfriend got that damn deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes."

"You told her?" Scotty roared in disbelief. "You told her I was gonna ask her? That why she's in there?" he demanded, gesturing angrily toward the interview room. "That why she didn't show up? 'Cause you _told _her?"

"Goddammit, Valens, _someone _had to," Vera exploded, and the sudden, vehement outburst from his colleague startled Scotty enough that, for the moment, anyway, the rage subsided, and he stepped back, blinking in surprise.

Vera breathed an inward sigh of relief and paused for a moment, grateful that he seemed to have taken the edge off of Scotty's anger. Thank God. The man was gonna give himself a coronary one of these days if he didn't stop flipping out like that.

"Look, Scotty," he began, his voice calm, but laced with an undercurrent of urgency that cut through the swirling layers of Scotty's emotions. "You asked me how I asked Miller?" He glanced at Kat, seeking wordless permission to share, and she nodded with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes.

"I put the ring in a donut, man," he informed his colleague.

"A donut?" Scotty repeated blankly, then tossed an incredulous glance at his partner. "A donut? You said yes to a _donut_?"

"Didn't say yes to a donut, Scotty," Kat replied evenly. "I said yes to Nick."

"Then what the hell's Lil's problem?" Scotty demanded. "You said yes to a donut, and she's in there flippin' out 'cause of the restaurant thing?"

Vera sighed again. It was clear Valens was completely missing the point.

"Jeez, Scotty…" he began. "My point is that I didn't have to have a big fancy proposal. I could propose with a donut 'cause that wasn't the first time we'd talked about it." He sighed and met Scotty's eyes, willing him to understand. "Women like Lil…you can't surprise 'em with this. You gotta talk to 'em about it first." Gesturing toward the interview room, Vera continued, his voice rising. "She ain't in there flippin' out 'cause of the idea of marriage, or the idea of marryin' you…she's flippin' out 'cause this is the first she's heard of it. She's flippin' out 'cause you screwed up! You can't spring somethin' like this on Rush. Are you outta your mind?"

"But we _have _talked about it," Scotty protested. "Months ago. She said she was in this, wherever it led."

"Two sides of the same coin," Vera explained. "It's one thing to have 'forever' as this thing out there somewhere, off in the distance…it's another to have it starin' you in the face. And right now, it's starin' her in the face. It's never been real to her before, but it is now. So no wonder she's flippin' out." He trailed off and sighed. "If I had any idea you hadn't even talked about it with her, no way would I have said you should ask her yet." Vera fixed Scotty with a penetrating look, one that sent a shiver down his spine. "In fact," he continued, "kinda makes me wonder if you're tryin' to sabotage this thing on purpose."

Scotty's eyes flew open in shock. "On purpose?" he repeated. "What the hell would I do that for?"

"Damned if I know," Vera replied, "but you're gonna spring a proposal on a chick with issues without even warnin' her that it's comin'? What the hell did you expect her to say?"

Scotty couldn't answer that. Not out loud. He couldn't admit to Vera that the man was absolutely right. It was a mess. This whole thing had turned out to be a giant mess. He'd been agonizing over the proposal for weeks, obsessing over finding the perfect moment, yet he hadn't done a damn thing to turn the tide in his favor, to perhaps increase his odds that Lilly would say yes. They'd talked about forever, they'd talked about kids, and he knew she loved him…but marriage had never been on the table. She knew he wanted it, the wife and the house and the kids and the dog…well, and cats, too, he amended…but they'd never had a discussion about marriage specifically. And Scotty couldn't, for the life of him, think why.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Vera asked, his voice penetrating through the maelstrom of Scotty's chaotic thoughts for the moment, then sending them spinning anew.

Was he? Was he ready for this? He hadn't been when he asked Elisa. He'd just asked her to win an argument. But Lilly…there was no argument with her. There was no point to prove. The point that he'd always be there for her, that he'd never leave her…that had already been made, countless times, and he could tell from the way she looked at him now, her eyes shining with love like he'd never seen before, that, deep inside, she knew that. She was finally convinced that he'd never leave her. She didn't need a ring. She just knew.

But he, on the other hand…he didn't know, in his heart of hearts, that she'd always be there. Hell, that was probably why he'd never mentioned anything to her, why he'd been so afraid of scaring her off…yet why this proposal was so damn important to him. She might not need the official commitment…the dress and the flowers and the priest and all the rest…but he did. He needed that, because, to his chagrin, he realized that he still wasn't sure she'd always be there for him. He wished he was as convinced as she was. He wished he knew they'd always be together.

And that was what was truly important, Scotty suddenly realized. Being together. Yeah, he wanted to make her his wife, he wanted that flowery church and her in a white dress promising to be there for him forever…he needed that for himself, he realized…but if Lilly needed more time, if she needed a few years to get there…who was he to begrudge her that? If time was all she needed, well…he could give it to her. But if she didn't believe in marriage at all, if she'd never get there…would he be okay with that?

He didn't know. He didn't know whether just being with her would be enough for him. He had no idea how he'd feel five years down the road if she was still balking, if she was still afraid to take the plunge. But one thing he did know was that he couldn't face the end with Lilly. Not yet. And if proposing to her now would truly sabotage things, like Vera seemed to think it would…well, he wasn't about to do that.

"I think so," he finally replied. "I mean…I know that's what I want with her. But if she ain't ready…it can wait," he continued. "And if it never happens, well…" he trailed off, then looked up at Vera, all pretense gone. "I just need her," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"So go tell her that," Vera instructed quietly. "I wasn't gonna let you go in there all pissed off, but if all you wanna do is talk to her…I can let you do that." He stepped aside and shot Scotty a mischievous grin, which Scotty returned with a wan smile of his own.

His hand on the doorknob of the interview room, Scotty paused and turned back toward Vera. "Thanks," he said with feeling. "Dunno what I'd do without you around to keep me from makin' a giant jackass outta myself."

"Prob'ly screw up a helluva lot more than you already do," Vera replied with a smirk.

* * *

Lilly was only inches away from the door to the interview room when the knob turned on its own and someone started to enter. She jumped back in surprise, startled by the intrusion, and was briefly tempted to snap at Vera that she'd said she needed a minute…but it wasn't Vera at the door.

It was Scotty…his eyes clouded with pain, regret, perhaps a hint of leftover anger, and a maelstrom of other things that made her realize that…holy crap, it was true. He _had_ been going to propose at that restaurant. That really was what all that celebration was about.

As he stepped inside and quietly closed the door behind him, Lilly took another step back, almost physically struck by his demeanor, and she knew the first thing she needed to do was apologize. Even though she'd missed dinner for a perfectly legitimate reason, even though she knew he'd understand if she just explained it…the hurt she saw in his eyes, the dark shadows that were cast over his face…they were like a knife to her heart. The question he hadn't asked was suddenly staring her in the face, hanging in the air as clearly as if the words had already left his lips.

At that, Lilly quickly found herself wavering in her newfound confidence. It was one thing to have reached conclusions about marriage when it was in the abstract, and, although knowing that Scotty planned to propose made it far, far less abstract than it had been…seeing him in the flesh brought it to a whole new level of reality. Seeing the truth in his eyes, seeing the pain and disappointment etched all over his face made her realize that everything Vera had said was absolutely true. Scotty really had been carrying that ring around for weeks. Maybe more. He really had been making plans.

Suddenly, things from the last few weeks began to make perfect sense. No wonder he'd been acting so strangely. No wonder he'd occasionally disappear within himself for days at a time, no wonder he'd been looking at her, off and on, like she was a case he couldn't solve. He was trying to figure out how to ask her to marry him. He was so terrified of her and her issues and the possibility of her saying no that he'd stalled and procrastinated, and now…now that he'd finally decided, for whatever reason, to ask her…she'd unwittingly trampled all over it.

So she had to say something. Had to apologize. Had to do something to get that hurt look out of his eyes. She had to say something before he got a chance.

"Hey," she said quietly. Perhaps not the best thing she could think of to say, but at least it was something.

Scotty finally raised his eyes to look into hers. Hey? _Hey?? _He'd been through hell and back in the last hour and a half, crashing from cloud nine to the depths of the earth as sharply as if he'd leapt from a skyscraper, spending his time waiting at the restaurant waffling between hope and despair, finally concluding that something horrible had happened to her, only to get to the squad room to realize that, not only had she stood him up, but it was his own damn fault to begin with, that he'd sabotaged his proposal beyond all possible repair, and all she could think of to say, all she had in her defense, was "hey?"

"Hey," he replied. _Brilliant, Valens._

_Well, that made a lot of progress_, Lilly congratulated herself sarcastically. They'd broken the silence, but the awkward tension that hung in the air was as thick as ever.

"Scotty," she began helplessly, gazing into his eyes and willing him to understand. "I'm sorry…I had no idea."

Scotty shrugged. "Yeah, well…" he trailed off, trying, but failing, to disguise the pain in his voice. "Now you do."

"I…I knew you wanted forever," Lilly said slowly, choosing her words carefully. "I just didn't know you wanted forever to start…now."

_Well, why the hell wouldn't I? _Scotty wanted to snap back at her. _What more do I gotta do? What more do you want me to prove? _The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them back. Vera was right. He couldn't insist on this…not today…not now…not with Lilly. She knew it was on his agenda, knew he had the ring, knew what he'd been planning to do that night…and she was at least still in the room. _Prob'ly 'cause your ass is between her and the door,_ he realized cynically, but, he figured, had she really wanted to make a break for it, she wouldn't have let him stop her.

And, he realized, chillingly, he might not have stood in her way. If fleeing was what she wanted to do, if "yes" was an answer he'd never hear from her, then he could take a hint. He could read the writing on the wall. But she hadn't done that…at least not yet.

"Look, it's not a big deal," he heard himself saying, despite the fact that everything he had in him was shrieking exactly the opposite. "I got carried away, okay? Got…caught up. I kinda forgot that marriage scares the hell outta you…and you got every right to be scared. I ain't gonna lie, I'm kinda scared, too," he admitted.

Lilly opened her mouth to reply, but Scotty kept going, and she couldn't get a word in edgewise.

"So…just forget it," he said, looking everywhere but at her. "Don't worry about it, okay? It ain't the right time. It's too soon. You're not ready, and that's fine. Hell, I dunno if I'm ready, either. So let's just forget about it for a while." He crossed the room and tentatively took her hands in his. "What we already got…it's enough, Lil. Always has been. I shouldn't be tryin' to push the envelope all the time, shouldn't be rockin' the boat. You love me, and I love you, and we're together, and we're happy…so that's enough."

Lilly met Scotty's gaze and saw that he was trying to mean what he said, trying and trying hard, but he didn't. He _couldn't._ That wasn't who he was. He wasn't content to just be with her, he wanted to promise her forever, officially, formally, in front of everyone they loved. And, she realized, he wanted the same from her. That was what this was about, really, she realized with a certainty that stunned her. It wasn't necessarily about him proving that he'd always be there for her. It was Scotty needing to know that she'd always be there for him. So, though he was trying his best to convince her, and himself, that their relationship as it was enough for him…she knew it wasn't. Not now, not ever. And, to her surprise, and relief, that thought didn't scare her at all. Instead, it thrilled her. Scotty wanted forever. With her.

"No, it's not," she replied softly, her eyes shining as she tried to suppress her smile. He looked up at her, simultaneously surprised, and a bit embarrassed, that she'd guessed the truth, yet chagrined that he still couldn't fool her. _Not that you were ever able to before, _his brain reminded him.

He tried to respond to what she'd just said, but he couldn't. The best he could do was a blank, clueless stare.

"It's not enough, Scotty," Lilly repeated. "What we have right now isn't enough, or you wouldn't have carried around a diamond ring in your pocket for over a month."

Scotty sighed in defeat. If he had any doubt as to how transparent he was, how well Lilly knew him by now, it had just been shattered into a million pieces. The game was up. The truth was out there, it was on the table, and apparently, she wanted to deal with it tonight. The fact that he was willing to wait for however long it took for her to be ready for this apparently wasn't enough for her. That ring in his pocket…that ring that represented everything he'd hoped for and dreamed about with Lilly for almost a year…that was out there, and it was going to come between them.

Well, if he was going down, he'd go down swinging, he decided, and, a surge of irritation rising within his chest, he wrenched his hands out of Lilly's gentle grasp and took a couple steps away from her, running a frustrated hand through his hair as he began to pace back and forth.

"Fine!" he exploded, and Lilly nearly jumped. What the hell had happened in the last twelve seconds to set him off like that?

She tried to respond, but he held up a hand to stop her. "Yeah, okay? You're right. It's not enough. What we got right now, the best relationship I ever been in, all the love and the happiness and the laughin' and everything else…but for some reason I can't even begin to figure out, that ain't enough for me. I dunno why, Lil, and I wish it were." He paused to catch his breath, and his voice was suddenly soft and tremulous. "You got no idea how bad I wish that," he said quietly, looking deep into her eyes. "'Cause I love you more than I ever thought I could ever love anyone, I'm happy with you like I got no right to be, and it should be enough," he continued, his voice rising again. "It _should _be, dammit. I want it to be, so bad you got no idea. But…it ain't, okay? I dunno why. And I'm sorry, Lil. I really am."

He finally stopped and looked up at her, and Lilly stared at him in shock for a few seconds before responding quietly, her voice trembling with both nerves and joy.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe right now isn't enough for me, either?" she asked.

No, actually, it hadn't. Scotty abruptly stopped his pacing and looked up at her. Surely she didn't mean what he was beginning to wildly hope that she meant. No…not possible, and he moved to squash the hope as quickly as it had arisen. This was Lilly Rush. She didn't mean that. She couldn't.

"I know, Lil," he replied. "I know it ain't enough, and that's why I've done everything I possibly can to convince you that I'm never gonna leave you…but I know you don't believe in marriage. I know you ain't---"

"What?" Lilly asked, and the sheer surprise, and vehemence, he suddenly heard from his girlfriend made Scotty freeze and simply stare at her.

"I don't believe in marriage?" she asked, her icy blue eyes suddenly flashing with anger. "When the hell did I ever tell you that?"

"Goddammit, Lil, you didn't have to!" Scotty replied helplessly. "I know what you been through, and I don't blame you at all. I didn't know how bad you had it when I bought the ring, okay? I didn't know how bad you got hurt when you were a kid. So now, now that I know, I don't blame you a bit for not believin' in it. I didn't grow up like you did. I believe in it, but you don't, and it's okay," he insisted, trying hard to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Lilly.

"But did I ever, once, tell you that I didn't believe in marriage?" she pressed, her voice suddenly icy and taking on the edge she used most of the time she was in this room…only this time, Scotty realized, with a sudden flash of panic, he was the suspect.

"It's obvious, Lil," he argued.

"_When_ did I tell you?" she asked him again. "And what the hell did I say to make you think that?"

Scotty was silent for the moment, thank God, and she kept going. "Y'know, if I had said something like, oh, I dunno, 'Gettin' married may not be in the cards for us.' Or…'every good cop I know is a lone wolf.' I could see that making you think I didn't believe in it…but, oh, wait a second…that wasn't me, was it?" she asked rhetorically, her eyes shooting sparks. "No, Scotty, that was _you._ And if I'd known you then like I know you now, if I'd had the guts to tell you back then on that plane to Nashville, I'd have said that that broke my heart. Because I've always hoped that someone would come along who could tear down my walls and make me fall in love with him and make me want forever with him and actually not have that hope be just a damn pipe dream like it always has been. And, yeah, I had a crappy childhood. Growing up, I never once saw a marriage, or even a long-term relationship, that worked. So, no, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Yeah, the idea of marriage scares the crap outta me. And no, I didn't think there was any way in the world I could do it…but I never, _ever _said I didn't believe in it."

Scotty was completely dumbfounded by her outburst and could only stare in disbelief, trying to process what he'd just heard, and what he was pretty sure she meant, while Lilly nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, turned her back on him, and stared, wide-eyed, at the floor, her breathing shallow and rapid, suddenly terrified by how much of herself she'd just let Scotty see. Her soul felt like it had been stripped naked for the third time in recent weeks…but this time, it didn't terrify her. She felt relieved…unburdened…and vindicated.

"I'm sorry, Lil," he finally said helplessly. "I didn't know…"

"Of course not," Lilly almost snapped as she whirled around and raised her eyes to glare at him. "How the hell would you when you never bothered to ask?"

Scotty smiled ruefully, despite the tension between them. "Yeah, Vera said as much," he told her. "Said there's no way someone with your kinda issues can even think about marriage without a lotta talkin' about it first."

Lilly sighed in exasperation and turned away from Scotty again. Vera meant well, doubtless he did, she knew he had their best interests at heart…but, dammit, she was tired of being defined by her issues. Oh, sure, she'd let her issues define her for most of her life, so the vast majority was, she admitted, her fault, but for Scotty to let them get in the way of what he'd planned to do just Nick Vera had reminded him they were there? Besides, she wasn't the same person she was when she and Scotty had gone to Nashville. She'd worked, and worked hard, over the year they'd been together, to face her issues and deal with them so they _wouldn't _get in the way. Scotty's love had given her the strength to deal with her baggage, and…and now that very baggage was the reason he hadn't proposed to her?

"So…" she began frostily, turning back around to face him, and Scotty nearly tore his hair out when he saw that damned Ice Queen look in her blue eyes once more. "You bought a ring."

"Yeah," he admitted.

"And you were gonna ask me tonight," she continued.

"Yeah," he repeated with a shrug.

"But now you're not going to, because Nick Vera told you not to because I have _issues_?" she asked, her voice starting to rise.

"Lil, it's okay," Scotty attempted to reassure her.

"Not really," she snapped back. "What I see is you giving up on what you want…and what I want…because of some issues you think I have!"

"I don't _think _you got issues, Lil," he retorted. "I _know_ you do."

Oh, for God's sake, was he even paying attention? Had he even heard what she'd just said? How the hell had he missed her telling him that she wanted to marry him?

"Hell, I know I do, too," she agreed. "But what do you think I've been doin' for the last year?" She paused, forcing him to meet her eyes. "What I have with you is so wonderful, so special, that I don't want my issues to screw it up." He blinked in surprise then, and she smiled slightly despite her irritation.

"Why the hell do you think I went with you to that ridiculous rave you called your grandmother's birthday party?" she asked, her voice rising. "Why do you think I spent an entire afternoon crying on your mother's shoulder because I didn't think I could give you what you want? Why do you think I told you what happened to me when I was a kid?" He still didn't answer, and she kept going.

"For God's sake, Scotty, I've been bustin' my ass tryin' to overcome my issues so you wouldn't think I was damaged goods, and now you're gonna give up just like that?" she demanded.

"Dammit, Lil," Scotty burst out. "I told you a year ago I can't take another broken heart. And I had no idea you wanted the same things I want, no idea that you were even close to bein' on the same page---"

"But you never bothered to ask, did you?" she snapped, then laughed mirthlessly. "Vera's right. You don't spring somethin' like this on me without talkin' about it first."

"Which is why I ain't gonna ask you tonight," he exploded, smacking the table with his hand for emphasis. "Jesus, Lil, I'm tryin' like hell not to screw this up, and you're makin' it damn near impossible for me not to."

"Then I'll make it easy," she fired back. "Vera said we needed to talk about it. He's right. We're talking about it right now. What we've got isn't enough for you, and it's not enough for me, either. And now you're not gonna ask me because you think I'll say no, when you never even bothered to find out?" Her anger suddenly fading as she saw the utter confusion swirling in his eyes, she stopped for a moment, gathered her courage, and crossed the room to take his hands in hers.

"Scotty…" she began simply, "just ask me."

Scotty froze and searched her eyes for any sign of artifice, any indication that she was pulling his leg…but he saw only love shining there. Well, okay, love, with just a touch of irritation, overlaid with a hint of amusement.

Shaking his head, he chuckled in disbelief. "Just ask you," he repeated. "I can't just ask you. Not now. Not like this. I had this evening all planned out, had the flowers, had the dinner---"

"Scotty," she said sharply, meeting his gaze. "Just _ask _me."

He froze again, his heart suddenly racing. Holy mother of God, she wasn't kidding. She really, really wasn't kidding. She wanted him to ask her to marry him. Right now. Right here, in the damn interview room, with him all dressed up and her in her work clothes, no flowers, no wine, no candles, no romance…just him…just her…

…and suddenly, he couldn't think of a more perfect moment than this one.

They gazed at one another for a minute, and then Lilly's eyes widened as Scotty shrugged, grinned slightly, quirked a brow at her, and slowly lowered himself to kneel in front of her. Time suddenly ground to a halt as she stared at him in disbelief.

Holy crap.

She'd definitely called his bluff, she realized…but now, he was calling hers. He was down on one knee, reaching for her hand…she couldn't move, or blink, or breathe…

_Don't panic, Rush_, her brain ordered her.

Scotty looked up into Lilly's eyes to see a slight trace of fear in their sapphire depths, and for a second, he was afraid he'd lose all his newfound confidence. She was scared. She'd been telling him how ready she was for fifteen minutes…but now she was scared.

_Of course she's scared, Valens, _he reminded himself. _Not like you ain't. Besides, scared doesn't mean anything. Just means she knows how serious this is._

He took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly, grinning almost self-consciously, before clearing his throat, opening his mouth…and realizing that every last word of the speech he wanted to give Lilly had suddenly flown from his brain, never to return.

_Dammit._

He had to say something. Had to come up with _something._ Perfect speech or not, he had to say something. Had to just get the words out and ask her. Because everyone else was right; it had nothing to do with what he said or how he said it, because that wasn't what she'd be saying yes to. She'd be saying yes…to him.

"Lil," he began nervously. "I…I had this speech. This big, flowery speech I was gonna give you tonight. I was gonna look into your eyes, and I was gonna take your hand, and I was gonna give you this speech…but damned if I can't remember a word of it."

Lilly giggled, albeit a bit nervously, and bolstered by the amusement he saw sparkling in her blue eyes, he continued.

"It was somethin' about how much I love you…and how unbelievably happy you make me…and how I can't imagine a second of my life without you…and I think there was somethin' in there about how you make me happier than I ever imagined I could be, how you make every day brighter than the day before it…and if I can make you a tenth as happy as you make me, I'll be doin' a helluva job," he said haltingly.

Lilly felt tears pricking her eyes at the simple honesty in what he was telling her, the warm, earnest expression on his face, the love that flooded her heart, and the overwhelming fragile beauty of the moment.

"And I was gonna say somethin' about back when we were partners, and all the crap we went through, and if we got through all that without even bein' in love, then there's nothin' we can't tackle now that we are…" he continued, then smiled, his heart in his throat and the blood roaring in his ears. "But I don't got a flowery speech, Lil…I just got me."

Forcefully, Lilly blinked away her tears, wanting to remember for the rest of her life what he said next, wanting to be able to see the look in his eyes without blurred vision or trembling hands or anything else…

"So…will you marry me, Lil?" he asked with a hopeful, lopsided grin, his voice almost light and casual, an attempt to conceal just how nervous he actually was.

Lilly burst into a smile brighter and more dazzling than he'd ever seen. "Wow," she said softly, her voice tremulous. "That wasn't your big flowery speech?"

A slight frown creased his features. "No," he replied slowly.

"Well…" she continued, "if that wasn't your speech…I'd love to hear it sometime."

Scotty's frown deepened. He was down on one knee, holding her hand, asking her to marry him, which was what she'd been insisting that he do, and now that he had, all she cared about was the damn speech? Was it really that important how he asked her? Vera had gotten a yes from Miller with a _donut_, for God's sake. And he'd reconstructed his speech as best he could, remembered far more of it than he ever thought he would, but now she was insisting on the whole damn thing, and he couldn't for the life of him remember what else he'd intended to say, and, he realized, as his stomach started to churn wildly, his heart hammered even more frantically than it already had been, and a trickle of sweat meandered down his back, that there was no way in hell he could go through with this a second time.

Lilly blinked again as she watched Scotty's expression change from hopeful and earnest to confused, then to suddenly panicked, and a tiny bit irritated, and she suddenly realized that he'd asked her to marry him…and she hadn't answered. She was so touched by what he'd said, so dumbfounded by a real proposal, flowery speech or no, that she had no clue how to even handle it. Her brain was shrieking at her to just say yes, but she was so bowled over by the fact that this moment she'd dreamed of was actually happening that her voice, she discovered with chagrin, suddenly didn't work.

Scotty gazed up at her, completely mystified, still holding her cold, delicate hand rather awkwardly in his suddenly clammy ones. "I guess," he began. "I mean, if that speech is really that important to you, I could---"

Lilly's voice chose that moment to resurrect itself. "Yes," she blurted out, then sighed with relief. It was over. He'd asked, she'd answered.

Instead of the broad smile she'd expected, however, she saw him looking at her with utter mystification, like she'd suddenly grown an extra head.

"Okay," he agreed slowly, "guess I, uh…didn't realize it was that important to you. I'll, uh…I'll think of it again, and I'll come back, and we'll---"

"_Yes_, Scotty," she repeated, her voice quiet, but confident, her eyes shining with love and unshed tears.

It suddenly occurred to Scotty that perhaps he'd miscalculated her intentions.

"Wait," he began slowly, a wild hope surging through his veins. "Are you sayin' yes to the speech…or yes to the…"

Lilly's smile was even more dazzling than before, her face aglow with joy. "Scotty," she said, kneeling so she could look him in the eyes, trailing a hand affectionately through his hair as she fought her happy tears. "I'm saying yes."


	47. The Best Thing

**A/N: I made it!**

**Disclaimer: Sigh. Six months, forty-seven chapters, and I still don't own these characters. There's always hope, though!**

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Seven: The Best Thing**

_This is the best thing  
The best thing that could be happening  
And I think you would agree  
The best thing is that it's  
Happening to you and me _

Scotty had no idea how long he knelt there, staring at Lilly in disbelief, but it must have been quite some time, because he finally heard her giggle softly.

"Scotty?" she finally asked, her voice suddenly amused. "I…I said yes."

She said yes. Lilly said yes. After all the weeks of worrying and planning and agonizing and wondering what the hell he'd do if she said no…Lilly had said yes.

"You said yes," he repeated, slowly, trying to absorb what she'd just said.

"I said yes," she confirmed with a broad smile, her eyes shining with joy and love. A single tear spilled over, and Scotty found himself suddenly mesmerized by that; by the single, crystalline drop that was slowly traveling down her cheek, and by her brilliant smile, by the fact that she was laughing and crying at the same time…and he realized that he was still in complete shock. He'd hoped she'd say yes, but he'd never actually expected it, especially not after everything Vera had said a few minutes earlier.

"You…said yes," he echoed, still trying to wrap his mind around the truth.

Lilly gently extricated her hand from his and trailed it up his arm to gently cup the back of his neck, then pulled him close for a tender kiss. He didn't respond at first; he couldn't respond. Her lips were on his, but he simply couldn't move. She said yes. _Lilly_…said yes. And Scotty was more shell-shocked than he'd ever been in his life.

Lilly was patient, though, and eventually, the love he felt from her lips convinced him of the truth. She'd said yes. She really, truly, had said yes. To him. To the future. To forever.

Holy crap, they were getting married.

Lilly smiled against Scotty's lips as she finally, finally felt him respond to her gentle attentions. He was more stunned than she'd ever seen him, and she couldn't help the giggles that suddenly escaped from her, the joy welling up inside like a bubble and then bursting in an explosion of gentle, helpless laughter.

"What?" Scotty asked, pulling back from her kisses.

"You," she giggled. "I've never seen you this shell-shocked before."

"Nothin' like this has ever happened to me before," he retorted, and she was pleased to see that stunned, clueless look fading from his eyes, gradually being replaced by the purest joy she'd ever seen as he rose to his feet and helped her up.

"Me neither," she admitted, not letting go of his hands, and they gazed into one another's eyes for a few moments, Scotty's face suddenly splitting into a radiant, beaming smile, one that Lilly had never seen before. And she was the cause of it. She was suddenly giddy.

"You said yes," he repeated ecstatically.

"I did," she confirmed, the joy nearly uncontainable. "I'm gonna marry you, Scotty."

He still couldn't believe it. Lilly Rush was going to marry him.

"Guess maybe I should give you that ring, then," he said with a broad grin, and Lilly blinked in surprise. The ring. Of course. Scotty, apparently, had been carrying a diamond ring around in his pocket for over a month. That was one of the first things Vera had told her, and in the chaos of all that had happened in the previous few minutes, she'd completely forgotten about it.

Her eyes widened as Scotty reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a small, heart-shaped, black velvet box, and widened even further when he beamed at her and popped it open…and then, as the light hit the sparkling diamond within…it was her turn to be speechless. All she could do was stare.

It was the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen, more beautiful than any she'd ever even imagined.

"I…I didn't know what you wanted," he began tentatively, somewhat nervous that she hadn't said anything, "didn't know what kinda ring you'd like…so I just kinda guessed…Will had a guy…"

"It's perfect…" she managed, still staring at it. It really, truly was. She couldn't even figure out which part of it was the most beautiful, the most perfect…her eyes traveled from the gorgeous filigree of the band to the blue sapphires on the sides to the single diamond in the center, and she was simply dumbfounded. It was breathtaking without being ostentatious, simple, yet stunning…she'd have been perfectly content with no ring at all, or with a simple one…but this…this was just the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen in her life, and she managed to tear her gaze away from it to look up at Scotty, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Wow," she breathed.

"Glad you like it," Scotty grinned, his eyes sparkling with joy and amusement, his heart melting at the way his girlfriend--check that, fiancée--was suddenly reduced to speechless amazement. _You did good, Valens_, he congratulated himself.

"I love it," she confirmed, returning her amazed stare to the sparkling ring that still glittered in the dim lights of the interview room.

"Ain't you gonna put it on?" Scotty asked, his voice tender, yet teasing.

Put it on. Yes. Yes, Lilly realized. She should put it on.

"Okay," she agreed shakily, but she didn't move. Couldn't move.

Chuckling softly, Scotty took the ring out of the box and slipped the box back into his pocket, then gently took Lilly's left hand in his and slid the ring onto her long, delicate finger.

"Wow," she breathed again.

"You said yes, Lil," Scotty remarked, gazing lovingly into her surprised blue eyes and brushing a stray tendril of hair behind her ear. "It comes with jewelry."

Lilly was absolutely mesmerized by the ring. She kept looking from it to Scotty, back to it, back to Scotty…she'd said yes. He'd asked, she'd said yes…she was doing this. Really and truly doing this. She was signing up for forever, with Scotty. It was happening…for her.

Suddenly, she sprang to life and captured his lips in a fiery kiss, which he returned with equal measure.

"I love you," she managed, between fervent kisses.

"Oh, Lil," he murmured in reply, trailing his lips away from hers and down the side of her neck. "I love you…so damn much it's ridiculous…"

She was suddenly aware of a hard, cold surface hitting her back and she realized, on the edges of her consciousness, that Scotty had backed her into the wall of the interview room, pinning her between its coolness and the heat of his body, and his fingers were nimbly unbuttoning her blouse, his lips rapidly following.

"Scotty," she protested breathlessly, but his only response was a low growl as he kept going.

"Scotty," she said again. "You know that mirror's not really a mirror."

"So?" he panted against her skin.

"So we might have an audience," she pointed out reluctantly, punctuating her declaration with a delighted gasp as he reached the hollow at the base of her throat..

"So?" he said again, trailing his tongue along her collarbone. "We just got engaged. We're gettin' married. You said yes. To hell with all of them."

As his kisses became more and more impassioned, Lilly slipped the jacket from his shoulders, suddenly finding herself nearly powerless to argue.

* * *

Out in the squad room, Vera stopped pretending to pay attention to his paperwork and glanced at the clock for what seemed like the seventeenth time since he'd allowed Scotty go to into the interview room.

"They've been in there quite a while," he remarked, as casually as he could, though he knew that no one who remained in the squad room was buying his act.

"They have," Jeffries agreed coolly, sliding a form into the file and placing it back in Francine's evidence box.

A momentary silence descended on the office, and then Vera spoke up again.

"Wonder what they're doin' in there," he mused aloud, glancing toward the interview room.

"Oh, don't even think about it," Kat replied, her eyes twinkling with affectionate amusement.

"But—" Vera protested.

"_No_," Kat insisted. "Whatever they're doin' in there is their business. You don't need to go watch."

"Could be somethin' nasty," Vera supplied, and Kat was suddenly startled. She hadn't thought of that.

"No way," she replied, shaking her head. "After he came in here lookin' like that? And that deer-in-the-headlights look she got? They're probably havin' a fight."

"If they were havin' a fight, we'd hear it," Vera argued.

"Not if they did it quietly," Kat disagreed.

"You think those two would fight quietly?" Jeffries asked, his eyes sparkling with mirth.

Kat shrugged, wordlessly conceding the point. "Okay, fine, maybe they ain't fightin'."

"So…maybe they're doin' somethin' nasty," Vera repeated, a mischievous grin on his face.

"Can't imagine 'em doin' that quietly, either," Jeffries supplied, his grin broadening as Kat shot him a murderous glare, then turned her attention toward Vera.

"So why do you think they're doin' somethin' nasty in there?" she asked, suddenly afraid to know the answer.

Vera sighed, the laughter instantly disappearing from his eyes. "'Cause that beats the alternative," he replied.

Something in his voice caught Kat's attention, and she glanced up. "You worried about 'em breakin' up?" she asked softly.

Vera shrugged, words suddenly unnecessary, and Kat was forced to smile sympathetically. She was truly touched by her fiance's concern for their friends.

"Nick, I don't think—" she began, but Vera cut her off.

"He's an idiot," Vera retorted, gesturing toward the interview room. "And Lil---she's got more issues than you can shake a stick at. What do you think their odds are?"

Jeffries was suddenly struck with inspiration. He knew how to take his former partner's mind off the drama that might or might not be unfolding in the small room a few feet away from them.

"You might be surprised, Nick," he replied, reaching into his wallet and placing a twenty-dollar bill on his colleague's desk. "They're not breakin' up. They're talkin' it over like adults. Twenty bucks. Who's in?"

Kat paused, studied Jeffries for a minute, then slowly withdrew a bill from her own wallet and added it to the stack. "They're not breakin' up…but they are havin' a fight. An…uncharacteristically quiet fight."

Vera grinned slowly as he realized what his colleagues were doing. "And twenty says they're doin' the nasty," he concluded, tossing a twenty on the pile with a defiant flick of his wrist.

Stillman came in just then and chuckled softly as he saw the pile of money on Vera's desk. It was always something with this group.

"What's with the pool this time?" he asked.

"Scotty and Lil," Jeffries replied, indicating the interview room with a nod. "He was gonna propose at dinner tonight, she figured it out and didn't show up."

"Hmmm," Stillman mused, rubbing a hand over the top of his head. "Gettin' that confession have anything to do with her not makin' it to dinner?"

Jeffries nodded. "She and Nick were in there for hours."

"Took forever," Vera agreed with a roll of his eyes.

"So…she didn't stand him up because she flipped out," Stillman concluded.

"Well, she flipped out when she figured out what he was up to," Vera replied, "and I had to talk her down off the ledge. And then he showed up breathin' fire, and I had to calm him down, too."

"But they're in there now," Stillman said, glancing toward the interview room.

"Yeah," Vera confirmed.

"And they've been in there a while," he continued.

"Yeah," Vera repeated.

A slow grin spread across the lieutenant's face, and he removed a twenty from his own wallet and topped off the stack. "Then they're gonna come outta there and Lil's gonna have a ring on her finger," he declared confidently.

"Think so, John?" Jeffries asked with a smile.

Stillman nodded. "He's been draggin' that ring around for over a month. Besides, it's Scotty. If he was gonna do it tonight, he's still gonna do it tonight."

"You don't think she'll say no?" Vera asked.

Stillman grinned and shook his head. "Nope."

* * *

"Scotty," Lilly protested breathlessly, as her boyfriend…no, wait, her fiance…gently suckled the tender flesh of her earlobe while his hands boldly stroked her hips.

"Mmmm?" he purred in her ear.

"We really shouldn't…not in here…" she managed weakly.

"You sure about that?" he asked , a teasing, knowing tone in his voice.

"No," she practically whined, gripping his shoulders as he found that deliciously sensitive spot just behind her jawbone.

"Gotta say," he murmured between the kisses he trailed down the side of her neck, "I always did kinda wanna do it in here."

"They've already caught us once," she reminded him, forcing her conscience to be heard over the oceans of desire that was washing over her as Scotty undid another button on her blouse.

That pierced through the haze of lust, and Scotty forced himself to tear his lips away from her neck. "You're right…" he said slowly, remembering the day when Kat, Vera, and Jeffries had caught them in the evidence warehouse, even more deeply in the act than they currently were. And that damn interview room, wonderful though it was…that one-way glass was troubling. No question about it.

Lilly took advantage of the fact that Scotty had stopped to catch her breath and grin up at him. "Besides," she reminded him. "Do you really want the first time we have sex as an engaged couple to be on a cold, hard table at work with all our nosy co-workers watching?"

Scotty grinned ruefully. She did have a point.

"You're right," he agreed. "'Course, even the idea of doin' it in here's gonna make it hard for you to take the next interrogation we do seriously," he joked, and Lilly glared at him and playfully swatted his arm, causing him to laugh out loud.

"You're disgusting," she informed him, and he didn't deny the charge.

"Engaged couple…" he remarked as Lilly buttoned up her blouse. "I like the sound of that."

"Me, too," she replied, smoothing her hair and straightening Scotty's tie.

"We prob'ly better go out there," he told her, retrieving his jacket from where it had fallen on the floor. "Face the music and all that."

"Fine by me," Lilly replied with a broad smile as she admired the sparkling gems on her left hand. "I got a ring to show off."

* * *

As the door to the interview room creaked open, four heads instantly swiveled in its direction, and they were greeted by Scotty and Lilly walking out hand in hand.

"Aha," Vera said, the relief obvious in his voice. "You two are smilin'. So you didn't break up."

"Nope," Scotty confirmed with a happy glance in Lilly's direction. "No breakup."

"Thank God," Vera said with a smile.

"So…what did happen in there?" Jeffries asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Well," Lilly replied slyly, "you all are detectives. Figure it out."

"You had a fight, didn't you?" Kat asked, and the slightly guilty look her colleagues shot one another told her all she needed to know.

"Yes," she said in celebration, grabbing for the pile of money on Vera's desk. "I mean…not good that you fought, but…the eighty bucks is mine," she amended, her eyes lighting up with glee. "Besides…Mama could use a new pair of shoes."

"Not so fast, Miller," Jeffries argued, rising from his desk and coming over to where they sat. "They clearly made up. So there had to have been some rational discussion take place."

"Well, there was some of that, too," Lilly confirmed.

"Then looks like I'm gettin' a new pair of shoes," Jeffries said, gently wrestling the pile away from Kat.

"Hey," Vera protested. "She's right. They fought. So she oughta get to keep her share."

Jeffries sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine," he agreed, handing Kat back her twenty.

"Besides," Vera added, "we haven't let everyone guess yet. And my money says you two did it in there."

Lilly blushed slightly, giving her hair a self-conscious pat, and Scotty glanced over, noticing her discomfort. He was planning to deny the charge, honest he was…but as he glanced up and saw the look of utterly horrified revulsion on his partner's face, he just couldn't stop himself. Tormenting Kat was simply too much fun.

"Could be," he replied teasingly, nudging Lilly slightly in a silent plea for her to go along with him. "We coulda done it right there on that table…that table we get confessions on every day…that table you like to perch on when we're talkin' to someone…"

Kat's face turned even paler, and she attempted to muster one of her standard murderous glares, but she was so horrified that she couldn't, and Scotty shot her a triumphant smirk. _Serves 'em right, _he mused. _Maybe now they won't be able to do it without picturin' us._

"You didn't…" Vera said slowly, but at the sparkle in Scotty's eyes, he suddenly wasn't sure. "Wait…_did_ you?" he demanded.

Scotty merely shrugged. "I ain't gonna kiss and tell."

"You ain't denyin' it," Vera replied, still studying Scotty's face carefully, "so unless you do, I'm gettin' my twenty bucks back."

Scotty grinned silently, and Vera removed his twenty from the pile, while Kat snorted in disgust. "Remind me to set that damn table on fire before we leave," she groused.

Scotty chuckled, and then turned to see Stillman standing there, and quickly disguised his laughter as a cough. "Boss," he sputtered. "Didn't see you there," he muttered, and Kat burst out laughing.

Lilly glanced over in horror to see the lieutenant eyeing them with both amusement and kindness.

"Well," he began slowly, "I'm still waitin' to see if I get my twenty back."

"What'd you bet on?" Scotty asked with a grin, but at the twinkle in his boss's eyes, he suddenly knew. He nodded silently, and Stillman's face split into a wide grin.

"Show 'em, Lil," Scotty instructed, and Lilly beamed as she slipped her left hand from Scotty's grasp and held it up so they could all see the sparkling diamond ring that now adorned it.

The squad room fell so silent Lilly was sure she could have heard a pin drop. Kat's jaw dropped almost the floor, while Vera simply looked shell-shocked, and Jeffries and Stillman both grinned proudly.

"You asked her?" Kat finally blurted out. "You really asked her?"

"And she said yes?" Vera added in disbelief.

"She said yes," Scotty confirmed, planting a kiss on Lilly's cheek and pulling her close.

The squad sprang into action then, with hugs and handshakes and congratulations all around. It was all a blur for Lilly, a blur of happiness and joy and peace and belonging like she'd never felt before.

After a few minutes, after the hubbub died down, Stillman piped up. "Who's up for Jones'?" he asked. "This calls for a celebration…first round's on me."

Lilly glanced at Scotty. "Think you might be able to postpone engagement sex a while longer?" she murmured teasingly in his ear.

"Maybe," he replied with a happy grin.

* * *

An excited murmur swept through the group of detectives as they gathered at the bar, and Stillman looked on proudly. He'd never, in a million years, have guessed that four of his detectives would wind up paired off with one another, but he discovered that he couldn't have been happier for them. He watched as Scotty draped an arm around Lilly's shoulders and pulled her close for a kiss, and she reached up to caress his hand, her new diamond ring sparkling just as much as her eyes. It was so good to see the two of them happy, after all they'd been through…he felt like a proud father.

And Vera and Miller…they hadn't been quite as open with their affection over the last few months, but their love had been just as obvious in quieter ways. The way the normally laid-back Vera was so fiercely protective of Kat…and the way the tough-as-nails Kat actually let him protect her. The shine in her eyes and the way she smiled at him told Stillman that she'd learned to let her guard down just a bit, and the gentle, yet confident way the two of them stood together at the bar, the looks on their faces speaking volumes, touched his heart. Yes, his detectives, it seemed, had finally found happiness.

He sidled up to the bar and spoke quietly to the bartender, telling him that they were celebrating and ordering a bottle of their best champagne.

"Champagne?" Scotty asked with surprise as he heard the boss place his order.

Stillman smiled. "Like I said, first round's on me. Besides, it's a celebration."

"We got a lot to celebrate," Scotty confirmed, glancing around at his colleagues, and Stillman responded with a proud smile. Everything he needed to say to Valens had already been said, and Scotty returned his smile with a grateful grin of his own.

The champagne arrived then, and Stillman lifted his glass. "To Miller and Vera," he began, "who are creating a beautiful family together."

Kat and Vera glanced at each other, Vera grinning proudly while Kat's eyes sparkled with happiness, and everyone echoed the sentiment and clinked their glasses together.

"And to Scotty and Lil," he continued, "who make each other so happy it's ridiculous."

Everyone chuckled in agreement as Lilly flushed slightly and Scotty beamed and pulled her close, then they clinked glasses and sipped their champagne again.

"To Boss," Scotty suggested. "For puttin' up with all of us."

"Hear hear," everyone agreed.

"And to the squad," Jeffries concluded. "We're more of a family than ever before."

The joy was palpable as everyone clinked their glasses a final time and sipped the rest of their champagne.

* * *

A few minutes later, as Stillman and Jeffries wandered toward the dart boards, Vera leaned against the bar and ordered a beer.

"Put that one on mine," Scotty piped up from beside him. The bartender nodded, and Vera glanced over in surprise.

"Thanks, man," he replied with gratitude.

"Least I could do," Scotty shrugged. "Listen, you saved my ass tonight."

Vera attempted to brush off the compliment, but Scotty was insistent. "I'm serious. You'da let me go in there mad, who the hell knows what woulda happened. But…I listened to you. And now…" he trailed off and looked over at Lilly, who sat several feet away, deep in conversation with Kat, her blonde hair draped over her shoulders, her cheeks flushed, her smile bright, and her eyes sparkling nearly as much as that ring. He was still completely stunned by what had happened earlier. "…now…she's gonna be my wife," he finished in amazement.

Vera chortled as the bartender slid the beer in front of him and he took a sip. "Yeah, well, there's no accountin' for taste."

Scotty shot Vera a friendly glare and sipped his own drink. "Kinda hard to believe…" he mused.

"Believe what?" Vera asked. "Believe some chick's actually gonna marry you?"

"Look who's talkin'," Scotty retorted with a grin, and Vera chuckled.

"Nah," he began, suddenly sobering. " I was thinkin' about this case right before me and Lil went to Nashville. Some bridal shop or somethin'; me and you went in there, and this chick said they didn't do tuxes."

Vera laughed. "I remember that," he agreed. "We said we didn't, either."

Scotty laughed slightly, his mind wandering back to that case. "That was the same day you told me you were gettin' an apartment," he realized.

"Only a certain type of girl you can bring back to a motel room," Vera confirmed with a grin.

Scotty stared at him in amazement. "You have designs on Miller even back then, Nicky?" he asked incredulously.

Vera just smiled and shrugged as he took a sip of his beer. "All I know is what I said that mornin'. I'm no good on my own."

Scotty remembered how quickly he'd agreed with his friend that day as they'd approached the bridal shop, how he'd begun to realize, over the years since Elisa's death, that he was no good on his own, either. He'd spent many an hour that night brooding out the window over a glass of scotch, and, over the next two weeks, he'd developed his lone wolf cop theory, the theory he'd so eagerly shared with Lilly on the plane to Nashville…the theory that, he realized, had very nearly cost him everything…

"Me neither," he agreed.

"We suck on our own," Vera confirmed.

"Thank God we don't have to be anymore," Scotty said with relief. _Lone wolf cop my ass, _he told himself.

"I hear that," Vera agreed, and they clinked glasses.

Scotty chuckled and sipped his scotch. "Me and you…single guys on the prowl…seems like a long time ago."

"Yeah," Vera said softly, his mind beginning to wander back to the beginning of his own relationship, back to that night he picked Veronica up from school, having absolutely no idea he was forging a relationship with his precocious future stepdaughter.

"Listen," Scotty began, after taking another sip of his scotch. "You willin' to put on a tux twice?"

Vera glanced over at him, wide-eyed. "'Cause if you are…" Scotty continued slowly, "I want you standin' up there with me."

"No kiddin'?" Vera asked in surprise. Scotty grinned and shook his head. "Hey, man…that's tops. Thanks," he said, giving Scotty a friendly pat on the back.

"Couldn'ta done it without you," he replied, then spied the jukebox in the corner. A sudden inspiration struck him, and he excused himself and headed over, digging around in his pocket in hopes of finding a quarter.

* * *

"So…" Kat began conversationally as she glanced over at Lilly. "You and Man Candy…"

Lilly took a sip of her drink and grinned. "You and Vera," she said in reply. "_That's _still hard to believe."

Kat held out her left hand to admire her simple diamond solitaire again, the colors reflecting brightly even in the dim light of Jones'. "Believe it, Rush," she said with a grin.

"You guys set a date?" Lilly asked.

"Not yet," Kat answered with a shrug. "We'll do it when it seems right."

"Fair enough," Lilly replied, then took another sip of her drink. "Listen," she began tentatively. "I know you had something to do with this. I don't know what you said to him, and I don't need to know…but whatever it was…thanks."

Kat smiled and took a sip of her own drink. "You're welcome," she answered simply. "That boy needs all the help he can get."

Lilly chuckled. "Hey, we haven't talked about this…and I don't have any idea how to ask this…and if you don't want to, you don't have to…"

"Out with it, Rush," Kat ordered with a smile.

Lilly took a deep breath. "I know we're a little old for this…but…I know it'd mean a lot to Scotty and me if you were my Maid of Honor. Or matron. Depending…" she shrugged.

Kat flushed slightly under the compliment and couldn't hide her smile. "No pink," she said firmly, "and no giant bow on the ass…and I'll do it."

Lilly raised her glass, and the two clinked them together. "Deal," she agreed. She took a sip, then a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Just so you know…" she began slyly, a grin spreading across her face. "We didn't…not in the interview room."

"Oh, thank God," Kat replied, unable to hide her relief. "Means I can take that room seriously again."

Lilly smiled. "It's safe. We're not that bad."

"Good thing," Kat answered with a grin.

"Hey, Miller," Lilly heard from behind her, and she turned to see Scotty standing next to her, a broad grin on his face.

"You look like a damn Jack-O'Lantern," Kat retorted, though her own smile belied the snark.

"With good reason," he replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna borrow my fiancée for a second."

Kat nodded, and Lilly turned with an amazed smile on her face. Fiancee. She was Scotty's fiancée. Not his partner, not his friend, not his girlfriend…his fiancée. Soon to be his wife. She was almost delirious with joy as he took her hand and led her to a corner over by the jukebox.

"What's this all about?" she asked him, curiosity sparking in her blue eyes as he wrapped his arms around her and started to sway.

"Dancin'," he replied teasingly, and suddenly, Lilly recognized the song playing on the jukebox. It wasn't Jones' usual laid-back fare…nope, this was country. Twang and steel guitar country. More than that…it was the song they'd danced to in Nashville. The song that had made her realize that there was something intoxicating about being that close to Scotty, something magnetic about him…something that would make it impossible for her to live without him, no matter how hard she tried.

"Didn't think you liked country, Valens," she teased with a smile.

"I don't," Scotty confirmed. "But…gotta say, I got a soft spot for this song." He looked into her eyes then, overwhelmed with love and memories of that night in Nashville, when he'd had one shot of scotch too many and he'd let his partner's beguiling smile and sparkling eyes draw him like a moth to flame, when he'd ignored all the red tape and rules and reasons they shouldn't and decided, just for a second, to see what kissing Lilly Rush might be like.

"Me, too," she confirmed, her gaze wandering from his eyes to his lips, much like it had that night, and he responded with a tender, yet eager kiss.

They kissed for far longer than Lilly intended, and when she finally pulled apart from him, they were both breathless.

"Y'know," Scotty said, quirking his eyebrow flirtatiously while fixing her with that lopsided grin that had won her heart all those months ago. "This bar does have a back room."

"No," Lilly replied as firmly as she could.

"Bathroom?" he asked hopefully.

"No," she repeated, a bit more emphatically.

"Back alley?" Scotty suggested.

"No," she replied through a fit of giggles, swatting him playfully with her newly bejeweled left hand.

"All right," Scotty agreed reluctantly. "We'll do it your way. We'll wait until we get back to your place…and I'll build a fire…and you can put on somethin' sexy…and then I could lay you down in front of the fire…and tell you how beautiful you are…and how much I love you…" he suggested, his eyes suddenly dark with desire and twinkling with mischief.

Crap. He knew exactly how to push her buttons, Lilly realized, as she felt the heat of lust spreading throughout her body.

"…or we could explore that back room," she replied with a grin.

Scotty laughed aloud and pulled her close. "I know what makes you tick," he bragged.

"Well, that's a shame," Lilly said, her voice low with desire. "'Cause what's gonna keep you intrigued for the next fifty years?"

"Life," Scotty answered. "Gettin' married…havin' kids…watchin' 'em grow up…gettin' old…and doin' all that with you."

Lilly beamed, and Scotty pulled her close for another kiss.

"I love you," he whispered against her lips. "And I can't wait to make you my wife."

"I love you, too," she replied. "And I can't wait…for forever to start."

* * *

**A/N: As always, it's with extremely mixed feelings that I wrap this story up. It's been a big part of my life for the last six months (!!) and I've really, really enjoyed getting to know all of you. I've had a blast writing this, and from what you all have said, you've had a blast reading it. Your comments have made my day, and really encouraged me as a writer! I hope you'll keep in touch, and I will let you know when the little one makes his appearance!**

**Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys are awesome.**


	48. Birth Announcement!

I'm a mommy!!!!

My son, Caleb Matthew, arrived at 10:33 PM on Friday, January 30, 2009. He weighed a whopping 9 pounds, 12 ounces (4.35 kg), and is 22 inches long. Due to his size, I ended up having a C-section, which wasn't part of my "birth plan," but did achieve my ultimate goal of a healthy baby and a healthy mommy. He's absolutely beautiful, and we love him to pieces. I'm sore, but otherwise doing very well. Thanks for all your good wishes throughout my pregnancy! Just thought you all would like to know the good news. I love you all, and I look forward to the adventure of writing during naptimes. :)

OUCellogal


End file.
